tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38524223972720681362024-03-17T22:00:17.707-05:00Muddling through MayhemTherapeutic parenting of teenagers adopted from foster care with RAD and other serious issues, plus younger biochildren - without going too insane.marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.comBlogger1109125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-41094068895480393322023-12-21T23:53:00.000-06:002023-12-21T23:53:06.684-06:00Introducing Bunny and Pixie<h2 style="text-align: center;"><b> Introducing Bunny and Pixie!</b></h2>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://64.media.tumblr.com/851ee9eff6a9f45b58d2b52f5d9dfd34/75464aeb47822d50-62/s1280x1920/e45096678d2ba11cd07166427485a1ec8de04b0e.gifv" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="278" data-original-width="498" height="278" src="https://64.media.tumblr.com/851ee9eff6a9f45b58d2b52f5d9dfd34/75464aeb47822d50-62/s1280x1920/e45096678d2ba11cd07166427485a1ec8de04b0e.gifv" width="498" /></a></div><br /><p>We have adopted 2 adorable humans. Bunny, age 6 (emotional age 2-3), and Pixie, age 9, are sisters who had been in foster care for over 3 years. This was a kinship adoption so we know a little more about their history (and genetics! lol) than we did with Kitty and Bear (who are now 28 and 30!).</p><p>Yes, I now have children ages 6, 9, 24, 27, 28, and 30! When I'm waiting with other parents to pick the girls up from elementary school, I feel very old! It is kind of fun watching people's faces when I tell them I have 6 kids ranging from 6 to 30. </p><p>The girls have some new "issues" that I haven't addressed on this blog before and some oldies too (dealing with potty issues again. *sigh*). So you'll be seeing some new posts and I've updated many of the old ones. </p><p>Here we go again!</p>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-41501704685921401562023-04-18T17:52:00.008-05:002023-04-26T11:26:53.970-05:00SSI How Does The Money Part Work?<p><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyPzdHXaDHvNBMakL6lIknlwx3eJkSeYn_dcZ_I2LnD6QyuNQsaSpbdjTIy5E6gnA80XdCDjFpqMV0_N7SjKwncw2lB0YUtsPd9dWZZmO2BUTy0wl0MKnDvU0_Htx3U9HTOkPW3N1lVYdSolBlZ2y6njsbBEGR9dJlJtgk5UIAzYkYpbbps5EG8CY1ng/s480/ssa.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyPzdHXaDHvNBMakL6lIknlwx3eJkSeYn_dcZ_I2LnD6QyuNQsaSpbdjTIy5E6gnA80XdCDjFpqMV0_N7SjKwncw2lB0YUtsPd9dWZZmO2BUTy0wl0MKnDvU0_Htx3U9HTOkPW3N1lVYdSolBlZ2y6njsbBEGR9dJlJtgk5UIAzYkYpbbps5EG8CY1ng/s320/ssa.png" width="320" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><p></p><p><b style="text-align: center;"><u><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">SSI - How Does the Money Part Work?</span></u></b></p><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="color: red;"><b><i><blockquote><blockquote><span style="font-size: large;">The SSA's focus is on how the person's disability impacts their ability to work and support themself. </span></blockquote></blockquote></i></b></span></span></div><h3><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>Needs-Based</b></span></h3><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">There are two components to qualifying for SSI/SSDI benefits. One is having a disability that impairs/prevents the person's ability to work. The other is how the disability affects the person's ability to support themself. To qualify for SSI/SSDI benefits you must show that you need the financial support.</span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">If someone is providing all or most of the individual's living expenses, then they will not qualify for SSI/SSDI. </span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Ex. I</span></span><span style="font-family: arial;">f living with parents the SSA might assume the parents are providing 50% or more of support. </span><span style="font-family: arial;">This is one reason it is very difficult to get SSI/SSDI if you are married. {</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2018/12/marriage-and-ssi-benefits.html" target="_blank"><b>Marriage and SSI Benefits</b></a><span style="font-family: arial;">} </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>It is essential that you show that your child is expected to pay his/her own way </b>(paying rent and bills - see more below). </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Disqualifications for SSI subsidy: </span></span></div><div><ul><li><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">able to work enough for income to exceed $1400 per month (as of 2018); </span></span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">receiving an adoption subsidy/ trust fund/ annuity that is more than the subsidy amount (in 2023, $914/ mo); - one way around this is to have these monies go into a Special Needs Trust or something similar, these trusts are specifically designed to allow the person to receive SSI/SSDI benefits.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">receiving SSDI that is more than the subsidy amount; </span></span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">supported by someone providing all living expenses, including institutions like prison;</span></span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">if have more than $2000 in assets (although there are ways around this)...</span></span></li></ul></div>SSI disability benefit amount provided by the federal government is the same in all states. However, in most states, SSI recipients receive an additional supplementary payment from their state, giving them a monthly benefit amount that's higher than the federal amount ($914 in 2023).</span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><div><b><u><span style="font-size: large;">How is the monthly benefit amount determined?</span></u></b></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b>There are different ways it is determined how much is received:</span><br /></span><ul><li><span style="font-family: arial;">If the applicant is a minor then the amount received depends on the parent's income. Unless the parent is well below the poverty level, then SSI for a minor is usually denied.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">If an adult has worked more than a certain length of time, then they would receive SSDI which is based on a percentage of their income when they worked.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">If an applicant is eligible for SSI and one of the applicant's parents receives (or later starts to receive) SSDI (ex. retires or develops a disability) then the adult child gets a percentage of what the parent makes or the SSI amount - whichever is larger.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">If the applicant or receiver of SSI lives in the household of someone else (including with his/ her parents), then if that person is providing support, the base SSI payment is reduced by one-third. Support is any food or shelter that is given to someone or paid for by someone else. In 2018, this amount is $500/mo. </span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">If the applicant or receiver is being supported completely by someone else (for example in jail for longer than a full calendar month) then they will no longer receive SSI - and will have to reapply if circumstances change.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">If an adult has never worked or hasn't worked long enough to qualify for SSDI, then they would receive SSI. The actual benefit amount fluctuates a little from year to year, but in 2023, the amount was $914/month. </span></li></ul><div style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 1.3; margin-top: 0.75em; padding: 0px; text-indent: 1em; vertical-align: baseline;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b style="text-indent: 0px;"><span style="color: red; font-family: arial; font-size: large;">The maximum benefit amount is only $914.00 (in 2023).</span></b></span></div></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"></span></span><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="color: red; font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><b><i>That's an annual income of only $10,968.00. The 2023 poverty guidelines for a single person household is </i></b></span><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><b><i>$14,580</i></b></span><b style="color: red; font-size: x-large;"><i>.00. </i></b></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>If a Parent Receives SSDI (due to disability or retirement)</b></span></span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">When a parent retires or becomes disabled and receives SSDI, the benefits for a child who receives SSI is 1/2 of the parent's benefit. If the parent dies the child receives 3/4 of the benefits. </span></span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">If the child's SSI benefit amount is larger than 1/2 of the parent's amount, then the child would receive whichever is higher. This is an "either/ or" situation - the child would not receive both benefit amounts.<br /><br />Ex. If the parent receives $1700.00 in SSDI then the child would receive the regular SSI benefits ($914) instead of 1/2 of the parent's benefits ($850.00). However, if the parent passes away, the child would receive 3/4 of the parent's monthly SSI benefit ($1,275.00).</span></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><br /></div></span></span></span></div><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Representative Payee</b></span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">If you are appointed the Representative Payee, you will have to open a special Rep Payee account using the SSI benefit check. This account is technically in both your and your child's name, but your child will not have access to it. You will use this account to pay for your child's expenses like rent, food, and living expenses. </span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Records</b></span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">For me, it helped a lot to use an Excel spreadsheet to track the money coming in, where this money goes, bank fees, etc. (Don't let this account accrue more than $2K!). I put each year on a new page. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">I also use these records to keep track of things like how much of the benefits go toward living expenses. This will be needed for the annual Rep Payee report. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">Keeping accurate records is especially important if the person receiving benefits works. I have the formula filled in on this spreadsheet so I don't have to do the math. SSA is 2 months behind. So if you earn X amount in February, you won't see the change in your benefit amount until April. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>Document<br /></b>I've had to contact SSA multiple times due to mistakes on their parts (and mine!). I've learned to note when I contacted SSA to report wages and how much it was for each month so I could keep track of whether or not the amount was correct.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">I also keep my notes on the spreadsheets -- contacts with SSA, changes in job history (start/end dates/reason for leaving, company address, phone #), address changes... </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>Don't forget to report all of these changes to SSA!!</b>.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"> That way, I can go back and look if I can't remember a date or whatever. <br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Backpay</b>. <br />Benefits start from the first of the month following the submission of the application. Kitty applied in mid-April and was not awarded SSI until early October; that means Kitty will have about 5 months of "back pay." How we're handling that is a post for another day, (basically she will use most of it to "pay back" her living expenses while she waited).</span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Getting the actual monthly check can apparently take quite a while. We got the "backpay" pretty quickly. She was awarded SSI at the beginning of October. We still haven't received the monthly check. It's supposed to be by direct deposit, but we can't figure out to whom we need to give the bank information. The last person we spoke to has not returned my calls - possibly because the call needs to be generated by my child.</span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><i></i></b><blockquote><b><i>Update:</i></b> I finally got time to actually go in and talk to someone at the Social Security office. It turns out that because I hadn't signed up for direct deposit the money went on a<b> Direct Express card</b> which works like a debit card. This card can be used to pay for things directly, or the money can be transferred into the rep payee account. For some reason, we never received her Direct Express card in the mail (nor did we know to look for it), so she has 5 months of deposits on the card. I ordered a new card and it will take 7 to 10 business days.</blockquote></span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Direct Deposit. </b>I got the direct deposit form at the SSA office and took it straight to the bank. It is now in place, but it took a week so the most recent benefit payment also went on her card. Unfortunately, this means that because she didn't (couldn't!) spend the money on her Direct Express card when it finally comes in she will have a little more than $2000 in her account. The guy at the SSA office thinks this may not be a problem since we can prove she didn't have access to the account so she couldn't have spent it, but... </span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Anyway, I'll be pulling out $2000 immediately to pay back her living expenses, so hopefully, that will be an ignorable blip. What's left will go toward her spending money and bank fees.</span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><i>Update: </i></b>No one gave us any problem about there briefly being more than $2K in the account.</span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b><u><br /></u></b></span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b><u>What if my child can't handle money?</u></b></span></span><br /></span><h3><span style="font-family: arial;"><span><b><span style="font-size: large;">Representative Payee</span></b> - <br /></span></span><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: small; font-weight: normal;">A person recognized and established by the Federal Government to assist a person with a disability with managing their money to pay for their living expenses. No guardianship is needed for this, but it can be an alternative to financial guardianship under federal law.</span></span></div></h3><h3><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>Rep Payee Account</b><span> - <br /></span><span style="font-size: small; font-weight: normal;">Once appointed as Rep Payee, you need to open a Rep Payee account. Do this with the first SSI check, which will be mailed to you (our "backpay" check got here first). The account will be in the child's name. You will only be a "financial agent" on the account. <span><i>Don't worry, the banks know how to do this. </i></span></span></span></h3><span style="font-family: arial;">After you open the account, report the deposit info to the SSA to set up direct deposit. </span><span style="font-family: arial;">Social Security will make automatic deposits into the account once you report the banking information to them. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>The <u>only</u> money that can go into this account is Social Security benefits</b><span>. </span><span>Never make any deposits into it that are not from the US Treasury Department.</span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">SSI payments are automatically deposited into the Rep Payee account on or before the 1st of the month.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></div><h3><span style="font-family: arial;">Rep Payee Reporting</span></h3><div><span style="font-family: arial;">A Rep Payee is required to fill out an annual report. This is a very simple form and can be completed online. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">Living expenses need to be reported as a lump sum. </span><span style="font-family: arial;">("Living expenses" are food and housing, and or other expenses like clothing, etc) </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">The report does not request or require receipts for reporting</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span><div><div><b style="font-size: x-large;">Getting Benefits for a Child Living At Home</b></div></div><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><b><u><br /></u></b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Kitty lives at home so her rent and living expenses are generally paid directly to us. Each month, I transfer the money for her living expenses into our account. </span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">When she lives elsewhere, it will most likely be easier to pay these expenses directly from the Rep Payee account to the place it's owed (rent, utilities...).</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><i><br /></i><b><i>Weekly Allotment:</i> </b>Kitty has extreme difficulty handling money. For now, Kitty will receive $15 each week, until she shows she's ready to handle larger amounts at once. One way for her to demonstrate that she's ready will be to show that she can save up her weekly money for something, or at least not spend it all within 24 hours!</span></span></div><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><i><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">{Kitty's SSI payment is automatically deposited into the Rep Payee account and then I have a direct deposit draft of $15/week as her "Weekly Allotment" into her regular checking account to which she and I both have access.}</span></i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><i><br /></i><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><i><br /></i><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b>FAIR SHARE</b></span></span></div><div><br /></div></span></span>SSI benefits are needs-based. One thing that affects the amount of benefits received is how much support the person receives from other sources. If a person or institution is providing all of the person's living expenses (ex. prison), then the person is not eligible for SSI benefits. If a person or institution is providing some of the person's living expenses, then the amount of the benefit is reduced by that amount. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">Many people who live at home will find their benefit is reduced by approximately 1/3. This is because their "fair share" of the household living expenses is greater than their benefit amount. SSA assumes that the difference is being provided by the family. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">We recently got our daughter’s SSI benefit upped from $500/mo to the full amount of $750/mo. The amount the person receives has nothing to do with how much rent he/she pays (I‘ve never charged her more than $300, plus a little over $100 in living expenses), instead, it has to do with the person's “fair share” of the (household living expenses). When we moved to a smaller, less expensive home, our daughter could (in theory) pay her "fair share" of the household expenses.<br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Fair Share</b></span></span><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><u><br /></u></b></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><u>Fair Share Worksheet </u></b></span></span></div><ol><li><span style="font-family: arial;">Rent or mortgage payment (including any amount for insurance that is part of the mortgage payment and required by the mortgager) $________ </span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">Property taxes (if not already included in the mortgage) $________ </span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">Electricity (monthly average) $________ </span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">Gas (monthly average) $________ </span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">Any other heating fuel (monthly average for coal, oil, propane, wood, etc.) $________ </span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">Water (monthly average) $________ </span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">Sewer cost (if any and if not included in water bill) $________ </span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">Garbage removal cost (if any) $________ </span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">Food (do not include soap, paper products, personal/hygiene articles, etc.) $________</span></li></ol><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Monthly Total $________ </span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Divide monthly total $_________ by # of people in the household </span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"> = $ _________ your “fair share” amount. </span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Basically, they add up your mortgage or rent (if you have one), property taxes (if you have them), utilities (electric, gas, water, sewage, trash collection – but NOT phone, even if the phone is a landline, and/or part of the cable package), and groceries (not consumables like paper towels and not fast or restaurant food) --- then they divide that amount by the number of people living in the home (which includes dependent children – even if they are off at college – as long as they still use your home as their permanent address). </span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>If their "Fair Share" is more than the $750 (2018, monthly benefit amount), then you are considered to be supporting them for the rest (whether you are or not). SSA automatically reduces the benefit amount by 1/3 (which is where they get the $500). </b></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Ex. Our old house was much bigger so our mortgage and utilities were higher. It didn’t matter what we were charging her in rent. The Fair Share amount was all they looked at. When we moved and were no longer paying a mortgage, her “Fair Share” came to well below $750. We only had to note that we were charging her rent, but they didn’t even care about the rental agreement (I brought it with me anyway). </span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></span><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><span style="color: red; font-family: arial; font-size: large;">Report changes immediately (preferably by going into your local SSA office!). We told SSA about our new address, but they did not increase monthly benefits until we specifically asked for it!</span></b></span></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b></span></span><br /></span><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><b style="font-size: x-large;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Other Benefits</span></b><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Because a person receiving SSI/ SSDI benefits is considered to be at (or below) poverty level they are usually eligible for other benefits like WIC/ Food Stamps. </span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><b style="font-size: x-large;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></b><b style="font-size: x-large;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">What if My Child is Still In School?</span></b></span></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Can your child apply for SSI while still in school? </b>Yes, but be sure to put this fact on the application and bring it up at the interview. This applies to applicants between the ages of 18 and 22 who are regularly attending school.</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><b><span style="font-size: large;">How can I save more than $2000 for my child's present and future and keep him eligible for Medicaid-based services?</span></b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><a href="https://www.thearc.org/what-we-do/programs-and-services/special-needs-trusts" target="_blank">Independent and Pooled Special Needs Trust</a> </b>Through ARC it only takes $600 to establish a master pool trust which is <u>established</u> to work with Medicaid (other trusts may not work with Medicaid).</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Special Needs Trust </b>Ask an estate planning professional or attorney about setting up a Special Needs Trust, which enables you to save more than $2000 but not in your child's name. </span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><a href="http://time.com/money/4618317/529-able-savings-account-states/" target="_blank">Able Act</a> </b></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">The 529A ABLE Act establishes a way to save more money in a person's name while remaining eligible for public funding. </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">The federal ABLE Act, passed in 2014, made way for new state programs—modeled after 529 savings plans—that let those with disabilities, and their families, put aside up to $14,000 a year to be used for a wide variety of disability-related costs, including living expenses. </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Any individual who is blind or diagnosed with a disability before age 26 and getting benefits through the Social Security disability program is automatically eligible.</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">Reporting Changes</span></b></span><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><b style="color: red;"><i><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">**Tip** </span></i></b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><span style="color: red;">Heads up. You can call in, but the hold time is usually much more than 1 hour, and it <u>does</u></span><span style="color: red;"><u> </u></span><i style="color: red;"><u>NO GOOD at all</u></i><span style="color: red;">. That info is not technically relayed to the SSA office (they have a record that you called in, but the changes probably won't actually be implemented). You have to</span><span style="color: red;"> </span><u><i>go into the SSA office</i></u><span style="color: red;">. Make an appointment or just go in, but</span><span style="color: red;"> </span><u><i>don’t bother calling</i></u><span style="color: red;">. Ask me how I know this.</span></b></span></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"></span><b><u><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">What Situation Changes Do I Need to Report?</span></u></b></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Contact your local Social Security office to report (this can be done online, but you might want to go into the local office anyway to confirm it):</span><br /></span><ul><li><span style="font-family: arial;">You start or stop work, and/or your wages increase or decrease.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">Your bank account balance goes over $2,000. {<i>You cannot accrue more than $2,000 in assets or you will lose SSI/ Medicaid. Therefore, if something happens to Hubby and me (we're planning on setting up a special needs trust to prevent this), someone names her as a beneficiary in their will, she wins the lottery, she's given something of value, she has savings of any kind (except for some very specific exceptions)... she will lose her SSI/ Medicaid. At this point, her medications alone cost about $2,000/ mo. She NEEDS Medicaid!!</i>}</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">You move;</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">Anyone else moves into or out of your household;</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">Someone in your household dies;</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">You marry, separate, or divorce;</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">Income or resources change for you or members of your household;</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">Your medical condition improves;</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">You stop or start attending school regularly;</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">You leave the US and plan to be gone for 30 days;</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">You are in a hospital, jail, or other institution for a full calendar month {<i>This is why Bear is not eligible for SSI at this time - he is being fully "supported" by an institution (prison). We will start the application process for him when we have a release date and hopefully, it will start soon after his release</i>};</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">A felony warrant for flight or escape or a warrant for violating a condition of parole or probation is issued for your arrest.</span></li></ul><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"></span><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><u><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">How does Medicaid work?</span></u></b></span></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Medicaid is health insurance. Normally it is needs-based, usually meaning you have to be at or below poverty level to receive it. However, Medicaid comes automatically with SSI. <a href="http://www.medicaid.gov/" target="_blank">http://www.medicaid.gov/ </a></span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Different Types of Medicaid</b></span></span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">There are different types of Medicaid, including traditional and managed care options (STAR+PLUS). Every state has its own Medicaid system so if you move out of state, you have to transfer your Medicaid to the new state. Even if you move from one county to another, you will have to let Medicaid know so they can transfer you. </span></span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">In recent years, Texas Medicaid (and maybe other states?) have been privatized, so our daughter technically has Amerigroup health insurance. Like United Healthcare (another option), Aetna, Humana... benefits are usually available nationwide (for example, if you're visiting family in another state and get an ear infection, then you can go to a nearby medical provider that will most likely be in-network); however, we learned the hard way that no matter what the private insurance's policies are for other members - they will only pay benefits as though you still had the state's Medicaid (meaning if you get that ear infection, you're paying out of pocket, because state Medicaid is only accessible within your state!!). </span></span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Adult Medicaid is different from child Medicaid. For example, it doesn't cover dental after the age of 21.</span></span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Getting Medicaid</b></span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><i><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">We applied for Medicaid for Kitty the minute she turned 19 so she would have continuous health insurance while we waited to find out if she would get SSI. She was turned down. They don't ask all the questions to determine disability that SSI does, so I can only assume they determined she was ineligible based on... I have no idea. Maybe her lack of proven disability? Luckily, we still had Kitty on our private insurance so we only had to pay the co-pays for her medications while we waited for her to be awarded SSI (unfortunately co-pays were about $200/mo).</span></i></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Medicaid starts the instant your child is awarded SSI. You can then contact Medicaid directly and get information about your case. Just dial 211. For Texas, you can also go online at <a href="https://www.yourtexasbenefits.com/">https://www.yourtexasbenefits.com</a>.</span></span><br /><i><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Warning: We've had a really tough time with this website and they don't do any tech support for it (when I mentioned a problem we were having accessing it to the lady at 211, she said that the website was for people who "understood computers". I am very tech capable. There is a glitch in the system that has nothing to do with my technical capability! <-- a="" i="" little="" me="" obviously="" off="" this="" ticked=""><!------><!------><!------><!------><!------><!------><!------></--></span></i><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Medicaid ID Card</b></span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I assumed they would mail my child a card for Medicaid, but I discovered that once you have a Medicaid number it is yours for life (like your Social Security #). A</span></span></span><span style="font-family: arial;">s a former foster child, she had Medicaid for as long as we received adoption subsidies. S</span><span style="font-family: arial;">o we could have started using her old card the minute her SSI was awarded - and therefore would not have had to pay co-pays on her last month's prescriptions. In fact, they will not mail us a new card, so I better go find the old one!</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b>Changes in SSI Status</b></span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Because you receive your Medicaid through SSI - you don't need to renew it annually like you would with private health insurance; however, <b><u>if you lose SSI, you lose your Medicaid</u></b>, and you will have to reapply.</span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span></span><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><b>Let me say that again. If you lose your SSI, you lose your Medicaid! </b></span></span></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">When our daughter moved, SSI got all confused and kept sending us letters saying she would no longer get SSI benefits after such and such date. We fixed that with the SSA, but the information did not automatically get reported to Medicaid! We usually had to verify the information with them as well. </span></span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"></span><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">Getting Medicaid Started</span></b></div></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Administered by Social Security</span> </span></b></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: arial;">Most states automatically grant Medicaid when you get approved for SSI based on disability. The Social Security Administration handles Medicaid enrollment for SSI recipients when they are approved for SSI. </span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Delaware, </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">District of Columbia, </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Mississippi, Montana, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Vermont, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming.</span></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>Administered by the State</b></span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: arial;">A few states use the same income, resource, and disability criteria that Social Security uses for the SSI program, but require you to file a separate Medicaid application.</span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: arial;">Alaska, Idaho, Kansas, Nebraska, Nevada, Oregon, Utah, and the Northern Mariana Islands.</span></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>States With Their Own Medicaid Eligibility Criteria</b></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"></span></span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: arial;">Some states use more restrictive eligibility criteria for Medicaid than SSI's. In most of those states. The federal government does limit how restrictive the states can be when screening SSI recipients for Medicaid eligibility.</span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Social Security calls these the “209(b) states.” Section 209(b) of the Social Security Amendments of 1972 gave states the option to use their own criteria for Medicaid. (Indiana ceased being a 209(b) state in 2014).</span> </span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: arial;">Connecticut, Hawaii, Illinois, Minnesota, Missouri, New Hampshire, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, and Virginia. </span></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><br /></b></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"></span>Moving from SSI to SSDI</b></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">There are ways to keep Medicaid if you move from SSI to SSDI but you must fall into a certain category. (and a new Medicaid application is usually required). After 24 months, you will most likely need to switch to Medicare. I won't even pretend to know how all that works, so I highly recommend doing your own research.</span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><br /></b><b><u><span style="font-size: large;">What is HIPP?</span></u></b></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b><a href="http://www.gethipptexas.com/">HIPP</a> is the Texas Health Insurance Premium Payment (HIPP) program. <u>HIPP helps pay your whole family's health insurance payments </u>as long as it is cheaper for them to pay your insurance premiums than to be responsible for your child's entire medical bills. </span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><i><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Ex. Without insurance, Kitty's medications alone cost about $2000/ mo. Our private insurance ends up covering about $1800 of that. If we didn't have private insurance, Medicaid would be paying all $2000. If our monthly premium for health insurance for the entire family is $750, then Medicaid is saving at least $1050 by paying our premium. </span><br /></i><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><i><br /></i></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><i>We have always had Kitty covered under both our private insurance and Medicaid because there are a lot of things Texas Medicaid doesn't cover (residential treatment, dental, testing and evaluations, certain types of therapies...). </i> </span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">So, in my "spare time," I'll be applying for this using this <a href="http://www.gethipptexas.com/HIPP_Application_English.pdf">form</a>. Every month, we'll have to submit Hubby's paycheck showing that he paid the monthly insurance premium. </span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><span style="font-size: large;">What If My Child Has Private Insurance?</span></b></span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Private insurance is always listed as Primary and Medicaid is listed as Secondary. This means that our private insurance covers the bills, except for the deductible and co-pays - which are picked up by Medicaid. From the private insurance's point of view, WE were paying the co-pays, which went toward our deductible. Toward the end of the year, (sometimes faster if Kitty was in and out of psych hospitals a lot) our family deductible would be paid and the whole family would benefit. We could also afford to get Kitty some extra services that Medicaid didn't cover.</span></span><br /><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><span style="font-size: large;">What If My Child Works?</span></b></span></span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><a href="http://www.chooseworkttw.net/about/index.html">Ticket to Work</a> supports career development for Social Security beneficiaries aged 18 through 64 who want to work. The Ticket program is free and voluntary. The Ticket program and Work Incentives allow you to keep your benefits while you explore employment, receive vocational rehabilitation services and gain work experience. Your cash benefits and Medicaid or Medicare often continue throughout your transition to work, and there are protections in place to help you return to benefits if you find you are unable to continue working due to your disability.</span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">If you use an employment network or State vocational rehabilitation agency to get a job through this program, then you will need to report your earnings/ wages to it AND to Social Security,</span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>How Does the Money Work?</b><br />If you work, even part-time, then the SSI benefit amount would be reduced by a percentage of your earned income. For more details go</span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"> </span><a href="http://www.disabilitysecrets.com/resources/social-security-disability/supplemental-security-income-ssi/income-limits.htm" target="_blank">here</a><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">. </span></span><br /></span><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Obviously, if you earn "too much" money (about $1400/mo) then you lose your benefits entirely, but they prefer that you work, so there are some incentives. Including, they don't count some work expenses (such as uniforms, special equipment that helps you work, and transportation to and from work).</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="color: red; font-family: arial;"><b>SSA uses only gross wages (hours worked x hourly wage) - the actual amount on the paycheck does not matter to them.</b><i> </i></span></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /><b style="text-align: center;">2 Month Delay</b><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="text-align: center;">You need to report your wages every month (by the 6th day of the following month).</span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="text-align: center;"> The work i</span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="text-align: center;">ncome you received <u>2 months prior</u> affects your payment amounts. If you stop working or start earning less, you need to tell the Social Security Office ASAP so they can increase your SSI payments (or start SSI and Medicaid again if they have stopped).</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><i><br /></i><b>Ex. </b></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><i>Kitty worked part-time at a minimum-wage job in the evenings and on weekends. She applied for SSI benefits in April and was awarded it in May. She increased her hours a little when she graduated in June, but then quit when she briefly moved to Nebraska at the beginning of July. </i></span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><i><br /></i></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><i>For the months of May and June, she made about $700/mo at her job - this is a Gross amount (vs Net) so it is the number of hours worked multiplied by the amount paid (in her case, minimum wage). </i></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">In May 2014, </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Kitty earned $707.91 at her job. (~98 hours at $7.25)</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">$707.91</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><u>- 20.00</u> (by law $20 of wages is not counted)</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">$687.91</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><u>- 65.00</u> (by law $65 of wages is not counted)</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">$622.91</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><u>-311.46</u> (by law they don't count 1/2 this amount - 1/2 of $622.91= $311.46)</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">$311.45</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><u>+ 237.93</u> (value of food and shelter - SSA reduces Kitty's Maximum Benefit by 1/3 because they assume we supplement Kitty's living expenses)</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>$549.38</b> <b>Total Income counted.</b></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><br /></b><b>$721.00 Maximum Benefit Amount</b></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><u style="font-weight: bold;">-<b>549.38</b> </u> Total income counted</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">$171.62 <b>Total Monthly SSI Payment </b></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">In May and June, Kitty will receive her usual $483. Even though Kitty didn't work in July - her </span><b><i>SSI payment for that month was based on the income she received in </i>MAY</b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">.</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Even though Kitty didn't work in August - her <b><i>SSI payment was bas</i>ed <i>on the income she received in </i>JUNE.</b></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">In September, her benefits will go back to $483.</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><br /></b></span></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b>Reporting Wages</b></span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Report monthly wages during the first 6 days of the following month. To report earnings you have 3 choices. I highly recommend the app (even though I'm not normally an app person).</span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">1. <a href="http://www.ssa.gov/ssi/spotlights/spot-telephone-wage.htm" target="_blank"><b>Telephone Wage Reporting</b></a> You can call it in (866) 772-0953 or use the app. We called it in and were told that we also needed to mail in the pay stubs. This may be because she only held the jobs for less than a week each so there was no point in setting up the app. They recommend you call by the 6th of the month, but you can call at any time after the end of the month you are reporting.</span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">2. </span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Download an app (SSI Mobile Wage Reporting Smartphone App)</b>. You report the monthly number of hours times the rate they’re paid. For example, my daughter worked 100 hrs at the rate of $6.50/hr so I would report her income as $650. I don’t know if you have to be your child’s Rep Payee (I am), but I do know you enter your own SSI number and info and then tell it you're reporting the wage info for someone else (and give his/ her SSN# at that point). I guess if you’re not your child’s Rep Payee, then your child could technically report his own wages. </span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">3.<b> Report by mail</b>. The other option is mailing in a copy of the paystubs for every month by the 6th of the following month to your local Social Security office. Include the wage earner's social security number.</span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">4. <b>Report Online. </b>You have the option to report wages online, but only if the child has SSDI (not SSI).</span></span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>WHAT YOU NEED BEFORE YOU REPORT WAGES BY TELEPHONE OR MOBILE DEVICE</b></span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><br /></span><ul><li><span style="font-family: arial;">The Social Security number of the person who is making the wage report (YOU if you're the Rep Payee);</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">The Social Security number of the wage earner;</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">The TOTAL monthly amount of gross wages for the wage earner. Gross wages are the amount of pay before taxes and other deductions (hours worked x hourly wage);</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">The caller’s or mobile device user’s name as it appears on their Social Security card.</span></li></ul><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><br /><b><i><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">What specific earnings information do I have to report?</span></i></b><br /></span><ul><li><span style="font-family: arial;">monthly gross wages (that is the amount before taxes or other deductions are subtracted);</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">if you start or stop working;</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">increases or decreases in your wages or self–employment income;</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">if you start or stop a second or third job;</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">work expenses related to your disability; and</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">if you are blind, any work expenses.</span></li></ul><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><b><i><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">What earnings information does Social Security need to see?</span></i></b></span><br /></span><ul><li><span style="font-family: arial;">every pay stub, including pay stubs for overtime, vacations, and bonuses;</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">if self–employed, copies of your Federal Income Tax Forms Schedule SE, Schedule C, Schedule C–EZ, or Schedule F;</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">receipts for work expenses related to your disability;</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">if you are blind, receipts for any work expenses; and</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;">receipts for expenses paid to reach your Plan to Achieve Self–Support(PASS) employment goal.</span></li></ul><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Additional Posts about SSI</span></span><br /><h2 style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/10/applying-for-ssi-for-your-adult-child.html" target="_blank">Getting SSI For Your Adult Child</a></h2><h2 style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2018/12/marriage-and-ssi-benefits.html" target="_blank"><b>Marriage and SSI Benefits</b></a></h2><div><br /></div><div><div style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>Disclaimer</b></span></div><div style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: arial;">This post was written in 2017, much of the information has been updated, but may no longer be current, correct, and/or applicable in your situation. The information provided here is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for a consultation with a</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: arial;">professional licensed or knowledgeable in this area.</span></div><div style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: arial;">I am an individual contributor and not authorized in any way to give legal, financial, or medical advice.</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: arial;">While I have made strong efforts to ensure that the information in this blog is as correct, complete, and up-to-date as possible, much of what you will find here is based on my personal opinion and experience. I assume no responsibility or liability for any errors or omissions in the content of this site. </span></div><div style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: arial;">The information contained in this site is provided on an "as is" basis with no guarantees of completeness, accuracy, usefulness, timeliness, or of the results obtained from the use of this information..." Please research and verify any and all information you find here. Use at your own risk.</span></div><div style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></div></div></span></div>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-87355224965651398322022-10-02T22:45:00.002-05:002022-10-02T22:53:40.244-05:00Nonsense Questions and Chatter<p><span style="font-family: arial;"><b> </b></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCaLmAudDETymAyQ2hL7LAuIyOPIfT3coYsGzsoOtMMAhVBgvDA5eMRNptKcTNTO7r1tnHAKz0I8GXR762n4TKmCcLbxwZdQadyLky_YE3B8iIxsPvnZtyUesBHqbMsEvFRMelukJi9-O4xzDkP7uKIuLnK-7Z0KOqOU-bf2hdCIbq8xiqr9VNiqZWww/s306/Nonsense%20questions.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="305" data-original-width="306" height="305" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCaLmAudDETymAyQ2hL7LAuIyOPIfT3coYsGzsoOtMMAhVBgvDA5eMRNptKcTNTO7r1tnHAKz0I8GXR762n4TKmCcLbxwZdQadyLky_YE3B8iIxsPvnZtyUesBHqbMsEvFRMelukJi9-O4xzDkP7uKIuLnK-7Z0KOqOU-bf2hdCIbq8xiqr9VNiqZWww/s1600/Nonsense%20questions.jpg" width="306" /></a></b></span></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><br /></b></span><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></p><h2 style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;"><b>Nonsense Chatter</b></span></h2><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">I really can’t stop talking cos you might forget I’m here</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">It keeps your focus on me as I bend your weary ear</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">Lots and lots of nonsense questions</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">I just switch off from your objections</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">What’s the purple ist purple that you have ever seen</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">What are we having for dinner and why is the grass green</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">I’m scared I’ll be invisible if I cease to babble on</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">I need to keep your interest to feel like I belong</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">I cannot sit here quietly cos of wobbles in my belly</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">So I make lots of noise and I interrupt the telly</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">What if you don’t feed me or make me go away</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">You’ll always know I’m here if I’ve got lots to say</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">It’s all about survival and making sure you’re near</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">The nonsense in my questions stem from all my fear</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">I know this drives you crazy and can make you feel insane</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">It all comes from my trauma and underdeveloped brain</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">I need your reassurance that you’ve not forgotten me</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">Let me know you’ll listen when you’ve finished cooking tea</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">Try to be more playful and say your ears are full</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">But they’ll be far more empty when I get home from school</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">If my questions are ridiculous, relay them back to me</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">It’ll interrupt my trauma and might be quite funny</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">Gently touch my shoulder and remind me that you’re there</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">Let me know you understand the need behind my fear</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">And lastly but not least, please do not forget</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">Developmentally I’m younger and my brain’s not caught up yet!</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 5pt; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blog/post/edit/3852422397272068136/2465067890083913455"><span style="color: blue;">Sarah Dillon - National Association of Therapeutic Parents</span></a></span><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>Attention Seeking?</b> </span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">At first, my daughter's nonsense questions and babbling about TV shows or the latest drama at school (things and people I know nothing and care nothing about), felt like she was trying to keep all the focus on her and/or to drive me crazy. I found myself starting to avoid her. Then I noticed a pattern. When she was feeling anxious and overwhelmed, she started doing what my mom called "pressured speech." </span></p><p><span style="line-height: 19.26px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">When I realized this behavior was caused by my daughter's anxiety, it made it easier to provide <a href="https://www.blogger.com/blog/post/edit/3852422397272068136/2465067890083913455"><b><span style="color: blue;">Calming Techniques</span></b><span style="color: blue;"> </span></a>and fight to make her world smaller and less overwhelming (by providing <a href="https://www.blogger.com/blog/post/edit/3852422397272068136/2465067890083913455"><b><span style="color: blue;">Structure and Caring Support</span></b></a>). I also look at what may be causing this anxiety and stress <b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/09/kittys-coming-home.html" target="_blank">Chores, Responsibilities, and Other Things My Kids Can't Handle</a></b>. </span></span></p><p><span style="line-height: 19.26px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span></p><h3 style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 18px; line-height: 107%;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif"><b><a href="http://reactiveattachmentdisorderlife.blogspot.com/2008/03/persistent-nonsense-questions-chatter.html" target="_blank">Persistent Nonsense Questions & Chatter</a></b></span></span></h3><p class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;"></span></p><blockquote><p class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">It generally starts with nonsense chatter. "Look at
that car. I have a green shirt. I'm taller than this kid in my class. His name
is Eric or Tom or something. I'm going to play outside when I get home. I don't
like green beans." <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">This is all said very quickly and with no space or thought
in between. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">If I ignore it, then they move into the questions.
"What color do you think that is? What are we having for supper? Why was
Hitler mean? What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?"
<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">Also said quickly with no thought in between. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">There are several reasons for this kind of talking. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><u><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">Control</span></u></b><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;"> - If they dominate and
control the conversation it makes them feel in charge. {<b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/if-you-find-out-im-not-perfect-youll.html" target="_blank">If You Find Out I’m Not Perfect, You’ll Leave</a></b>}<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><u><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">Anxiety</span></u></b><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;"> - The hyper vigilance
causes them to be nervous and this produces nonstop talking. We've all had this
feeling now and then. Just not every day. Several times a day. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><u><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">Lack of Empathy</span></u></b><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;"> - Then
you throw in the lack of empathy or caring about another's feelings, and you
have this self-centered, self-absorbed thought process.*</span></p></blockquote><p class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">*Note: Kids with trauma and attachment issues
generally operate at a younger emotional/social developmental age. </span></i></b><b><i><span face="Helvetica, sans-serif" style="background: white; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">Studies show that around
3 years of age, children start to show genuine empathy, understanding how other
people feel even when they don't feel the same way themselves. "Cognitive
empathy," or the mental ability to take others' perspective, begins rising
steadily in girls at age 13, but boys don't begin until age 15 to show gains in
perspective-taking, which helps in problem-solving and avoiding conflict. {<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" target="_blank">TherapeuticParenting Based on Emotional/Social Developmental Age</a>}</span></i></b><b><i><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">Ways to Handle Nonsense Chatter and Questions</span></b><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">:</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;"></span></b></p><blockquote><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">Nonsense Chatter Yourself</span></b><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">: Sometimes,
I start doing it back. "Hey! Did you know I have absolutely nothing to say
but I am so nervous and anxious I just can't stop talking. So, I go on and on
and on forever and ever. I might not ever stop." Said exactly the way they
do it. They usually start laughing and run away. I follow and then we are all
laughing. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">Reminding</span></b><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">: I have explained to
them what nonsense chatter is and why they do it. Sometimes I just say,
"Nonsense Chatter." And they know and stop. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">Limits For Nonsense Questions</span></b><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">: I
have limited them to 8 questions a day. They start off blowing the whole 8 in
the first 5 minutes of the day. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">After they’ve reached their limit, the answer to every
question is the opposite of whatever they want it to be. It doesn't take long
before they say "Wait. I am not wasting a question on that." So, when
they say "What color is that car?" I say " I think it is a shade
of green. That is 1 question." "What are we having for supper?"
"Spaghetti. That is 2 questions." And so on.</span></p></blockquote><p><b><i><span style="font-family: arial;">[Limits for Nonsense questions and chatter. A fellow trauma mama gave her child a certain amount of time each day (about 5 minutes) to chatter and speak nonsense. When the child wandered up to the mama and started talking, the mama would say something like, "I really want to hear what you have to say, but I can't give you my full attention right now. I will have time to listen to every important thing you want to tell me." Every time the child came up to her, the mom would say, "I can't wait to hear all about that when we get together later." </span></i></b></p><p><b><i><span style="font-family: arial;">Then when she had a few minutes, especially if the child was busy, then she would seek out the child and plop down and say, "You have my full attention. Tell me what you wanted to say to me this morning (or whatever inconvenient time the child had chosen." Then my friend would give the child her undivided attention, for about 5 minutes.] </span></i></b></p><blockquote><p class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">Absurd Answers</span></b><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">: Another
way to handle it is to give an absurd answer especially if it is an absurd
question. They may see dad walk by and go into the basement and then say,
"Is dad at work?" So, I reply, "Yes". They laugh and say
"No he went into the basement. " "Oh". This is one of those
behaviors that you really can turn into laughter if you lighten up and don't
take it too seriously. Have fun with it.</span></p></blockquote><p class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><h2 style="text-align: center;"><b><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: large; line-height: 107%;">Another Resource: <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2017/10/why-wont-my-child-just-behave.html" target="_blank">Why Won't My Child Just Behave?!</a></span></b></h2><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p>
</p><p class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">We all love having at least one person who really gets us.
Who sits and listens. Be that person for your child... It is so hard raising
our kids. heartbreaking, exhausting....there is hope.<o:p></o:p></span></p><div><br /></div>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-34591188037233682372022-08-18T17:12:00.326-05:002022-08-27T10:11:16.726-05:00Hot Temperatures Equal Hot Tempers?<p><br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgA0clzLsimIn6kjXxLhkYGmHjbl_hiREqbGb8rqex6BOHyjRrVkzf9wWMbFF1J5BkGdPbn1YR8g916L0F5J4iT_sC4DOaSCUjt8tQIvJOVQavDc0YsAx_hr2N9kwAZ2iKpkI0Bsa70RVzo/s225/HighTemps.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="225" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgA0clzLsimIn6kjXxLhkYGmHjbl_hiREqbGb8rqex6BOHyjRrVkzf9wWMbFF1J5BkGdPbn1YR8g916L0F5J4iT_sC4DOaSCUjt8tQIvJOVQavDc0YsAx_hr2N9kwAZ2iKpkI0Bsa70RVzo/s0/HighTemps.jpg" width="225" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>Recently, a fellow trauma mama made a connection for me between the temperature outside and my child's behaviors. With more research, I realized that internal temperatures and emotional temperatures (did you know anxiety and anger can raise the body's internal temperature?) can have just as strong an affect on people's behaviors. <p></p><p>I live in the South where outside temperatures can be over 100 degrees for months. I knew that certain medications can cause heat intolerance which can ruin a day of fun in the sun and have dangerous physical side effects (like heat exhaustion or heat strokes). </p><h2 style="text-align: center;"><b>What I did not realize was that higher temperatures can affect behaviors. Elevated behaviors like</b> feeling irritable, depressed/aggressive (in children, depression often shows as anger), and miserable.<b> </b></h2><p><b><br /></b></p><p><b><span style="font-size: large;">Heat and Mental Health Issues</span></b></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhVeMDBEY19ik14HZKh3h0SNk_z60gKn_KarAuZ-TcyJpwpToqst9MW6vu3WmZFlexJ4j9Rge4siUFrFTBmFCVRao6UEMqmWZ-JANZKOVveV3CcBYMem58-kVqMMw1Pti1hjmSnQpp8QbahzK3cXEYyri4WUCvB2V2Jyc9EQ_e3-VUlic0OPOpk0jTfg/s228/hot%20under%20the%20collar.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="228" data-original-width="221" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhVeMDBEY19ik14HZKh3h0SNk_z60gKn_KarAuZ-TcyJpwpToqst9MW6vu3WmZFlexJ4j9Rge4siUFrFTBmFCVRao6UEMqmWZ-JANZKOVveV3CcBYMem58-kVqMMw1Pti1hjmSnQpp8QbahzK3cXEYyri4WUCvB2V2Jyc9EQ_e3-VUlic0OPOpk0jTfg/s1600/hot%20under%20the%20collar.jpg" width="221" /></a></div>There's a reason we say we are "hot under the collar," "steamed," "boiling mad," when we are extremely angry and "don't sweat it" when we're trying to stay <u>cool</u>, calm, and collected. Temperature affects our feelings and behaviors, and even how we sleep.<p></p><p></p><blockquote><p>"Extreme heat has significant impacts on mental health alongside serious physical health impacts. Some groups, including people with pre-existing mental health conditions, are especially vulnerable.</p><p>Extreme heat has been associated with a range of mental health impacts in research over many years, including <u><b>increases in irritability and symptoms of depression and with an increase in suicide</b></u>. It can also affect behavior, contributing to<b> <u>increased aggression, incidence of domestic violence, and increased use of alcohol or other substances</u></b> to cope with stress.</p><p>Research has also linked high temperatures to<b><u> problems with memory, attention and reaction time</u></b>. <b><u>Sleep difficulties</u></b> associated with extreme heat can contribute to and further exacerbate mental health symptoms."</p><p>Several factors contribute to people with mental illness being especially vulnerable. People with schizophrenia can experience difficulties with body temperature regulation and <b><u>changes in temperature can change symptoms of mood disorders</u></b>. Some psychiatric medications, including some antidepressants and antipsychotics, can affect the way the body regulates temperature."</p><p style="text-align: right;"><a href="https://psychiatry.org/news-room/news-releases/extreme-heat-contributes-to-worsening-mental-healt">https://psychiatry.org/news-room/news-releases/extreme-heat-contributes-to-worsening-mental-healt</a></p></blockquote><p></p><blockquote><br /></blockquote><p></p><p><b><span style="font-size: large;">Heat and Stress/Anxiety</span></b> <b><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"> </span></b></p><p></p><p></p><p>Higher temperatures add to the existing stresses of daily life. This can increase the likelihood of risky behaviors, resulting in the increased rates of emergency room visits. <br /></p><p><span style="color: red; font-size: x-large; font-weight: 700;"></span></p><blockquote><b>“Increased temperatures can trigger anxiety and cause higher cortisol levels and palpitations, nausea, and fatigue. </b></blockquote><blockquote><b>These symptoms can feel similar to a panic attack, which can make us more anxious when we notice them. Humidity can also cause symptoms of dizziness and dehydration..”</b></blockquote><p></p><p>One study found that temperatures above 70 degrees Fahrenheit (21 degrees Celsius), decreased reports of positive emotions like joy or happiness, and increased reports of negative ones like stress or anger, when compared to average daily temperatures of 50 to 60 degrees Fahrenheit (10 to 16 degrees Celsius). </p><p><br /></p><p><b><span style="font-size: large;">Heat and Sleep</span></b></p><p>Heat also impacts our sleep. Researchers have found that increased nighttime temperature was associated with increased occurrences of self-reported insufficient sleep (insomnia). Extreme heat can affect your ability to fall asleep, stay asleep, and feel refreshed from sleep. </p><p></p><blockquote>Sleep deprivation can easily result in worsened mental health. The two have a bidirectional relationship that anyone can experience. Specifically, a lack of sleep can trigger the onset of certain conditions—and conversely, mental health conditions can worsen sleep problems. </blockquote><p></p><div><div style="text-align: left;"><blockquote>“A lack of sleep can impact our physical, mental, and emotional health,” says Sarah Bitar, marriage and family therapist. “With the disturbances of sleep come disturbances of all other connected systems of operation in the human body.” <a href="https://www.saatva.com/blog/sleep-and-mental-health/" style="text-align: right;" target="_blank"> This Is How Sleep Affects Your Mental Health</a></blockquote><p style="text-align: right;"><br /></p></div><h2 style="text-align: left;"><b>Seasonal Affective Disorder in Summer (i.e., Summer Anxiety)</b>: </h2><div></div><blockquote><div>After long winters, most of us look forward to warmer days, more sunshine, and lots of opportunities to have fun. However, social gatherings, vacations, changes in routine, and physical responses to heat can make any pre-existing anxiety or depression worse. </div><div><br /></div><div>We’re used to hearing that Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) happens in winter months as a result of shorter days and less sunlight. About 4-6% of the U.S. population struggles with SAD. Of this group, about 10% experience summer anxiety and depression. </div><div><br /></div><div>Summer Anxiety is a form of Seasonal Affective Disorder that happens during the summer. Experts believe that summer SAD may be due to too much sunlight. This throws off our circadian rhythm, our body’s natural sleep-wake cycle. As a result, people with summer SAD, struggle to sleep as much as they need to. There’s also evidence that struggling with higher temperatures and humidity contributes to summer anxiety. ~<a href="https://www.buckscountyanxietycenter.com/how-to-handle-summertime-anxiety" target="_blank">Summertime Anxiety</a></div></blockquote><div><a href="https://www.buckscountyanxietycenter.com/how-to-handle-summertime-anxiety" target="_blank"></a></div><div style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></div></div><div><b><br /></b></div><h2 style="text-align: left;"><b>Medications That Make People Vulnerable to Heat</b></h2><p>A lot of the medications our kids take can affect the body's ability to regulate temperature, making the person more vulnerable to heat.</p><p>Many kids with trauma and mental illness issues take meds for anxiety, depression, insomnia, ADHD, bipolar disorder... It's common for these meds to be off-label prescriptions (this is a common practice for physicians, currently about 1 in 5 prescriptions are off-label) -- meds that were originally designed for things like high blood pressure, anti-seizure meds... meds that can cause heat intolerances:</p><p></p><ol style="text-align: left;"><li> Blood pressure medications (Ex . Clonidine, which is often prescribed for anxiety)</li><li>Thiazide diuretics </li><li>Beta-blockers (off-label prescribed for anxiety, migraines, reducing tremors)</li><li> Antihistamines (off-label prescribed to treat anxiety on a short-term basis)</li><li>Decongestants</li><li>Overactive bladder treatments</li><li>Stimulant medications for ADHD (such as Adderall (amphetamine/dextroamphetamine) and Ritalin (methylphenidate). </li><li>Psychiatric medications (Ex. Tricyclic antidepressants such as Elavil (amitriptyline) and Pamelor (nortriptyline), Antipsychotics such as Haldol (haloperidol) or Thorazine (chlorpromazine) Dopaminergics such as Sinemet (carbidopa/levodopa) </li></ol><p style="text-align: right;"><a href="https://www.singlecare.com/blog/medications-that-cause-heat-intolerance">https://www.singlecare.com/blog/medications-that-cause-heat-intolerance</a></p><p><b><br /></b></p><h2 style="text-align: left;"><b>High Body Temperatures (Psychogenic Fever/ </b>Functional Hyperthermia<b>)</b></h2><p>Some patients develop extremely high core body temperature [fever] when they are exposed to emotional events, whereas others show persistent low-grade [fever] during situations of chronic stress. In addition to the emotional events that provoke negative affect such as anxiety, anger, or fear, other psychological stressors that induce remarkable hyperthermia [high body temperature] include separation from nurturing persons (emotional deprivation) and suppression of negative emotion. Stress interviews, i.e., recalling and talking about stressful life events, also increases [high body temperature].</p><p>Although some patients have no complaints except for the high [body temperature], others complain of numerous symptoms. These symptoms include insomnia, fatigue, headache, nausea, and/or abdominal pain. Some patients are neurotic and have high anxiety. Psychogenic fever is also observed in patients who have traumatic experiences in their early lives and with psychiatric disorders such as anxiety (panic and post-traumatic stress) disorders, mood (depressive and bipolar) disorders, somatoform (conversion) disorders, catatonia, and borderline personality disorders. For these reasons, they worry about their high [body temperature] and may consult their physicians asking for treatment.</p><p>This type of fever typically doesn’t respond to regular fever reducers. Instead, anxiety medications may offer relief. <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4843908/" style="text-align: right;">https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4843908/</a></p><p><br /></p><p style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Tips to Stay Cool!</span></b></p><p style="text-align: left;"></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Taking deep, slow breaths whenever you feel your anxiety rise can help slow down your heart rate and calm your body and mind. See more <b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/02/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" target="_blank">Relaxation and Calming Techniques</a>.</b></li><li>If you must go outside, stay in the shade and wear light-colored, loose fitting clothing. Avoid going outside during the hottest part of the day (between 11am and 3pm).</li><li>Stay hydrated. Drinking lots of water can help ease symptoms of anxiety as well as physical symptoms of dehydration.</li><li>Keep your extremities (hands, feet, and head) cool - “Our hands and feet are equipped with vessels known as AVAs [arterio-venous anastomoses] that are especially effective at heat removal. Keep your hands and feet bare, and submerged in cold water. Tap water is sufficient, as that usually comes out around 68 degrees, but cooler temperatures are better. Just don’t make the water too icy; if extremities are too cold, blood vessels shrink to reduce blood flow, and that makes it actually makes it harder for your body to cool." ~<a href="https://www.texasmonthly.com/news-politics/texas-heat-tips/" target="_blank"> https://www.texasmonthly.com/news-politics/texas-heat-tips/</a> <br />Soak your feet in cold water for 10 minutes before going to bed, as heat is lost more quickly through your extremities (feet and head). Wetting your hair is another alternative. Wet your face and arms with a washcloth or towel, or use a water filled spray bottle, then stand in front of a fan. Apply wristbands soaked in cold water, as this will have the similar effect.</li><li>Apply cool wet cloths, cold water or ice packs (armpits and groin for short periods) to the skin, as these areas are where your blood flows closest to the surface of your skin. This will help cool you down. Have a cool or lukewarm shower or bath just before going to bed. This cools the body directly and can help reduce the temperature of your skin.</li><li>For people dealing with anxiety, it can be helpful to remind ourselves that our body isn’t necessarily in danger when we experience uncomfortable symptoms from the heat. Knowing that the heat amplifies symptoms of anxiety can help us to recognize and monitor symptoms that occur in hot weather. We can aim to recognize uncomfortable symptoms such as sweating or palpitations as our body’s natural reaction to the heat, rather than believing we are experiencing anxiety or a panic attack. It can also be helpful to find ways distract yourself from overthinking about these changes.</li><li>Exploring the root cause of your anxiety can better help you manage its symptoms. A therapist can support you in this process. Finding a therapist who has experience treating anxiety can help you develop coping skills that may offer temporary and long-term relief.</li><li>Set your thermostat to 65 degrees: Many experts agree that 65 degrees Fahrenheit (18.3 degrees Celsius) is the best temperature for sleep. While it might sound relatively cool, this thermostat setting helps your body maintain its natural core temperature for sleeping.</li></ul><h2 style="text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></h2><h2 style="text-align: left;"><b>SUMMARY</b></h2><p>If your body temperature can rise when it's hot outside, when you take certain medications, and/or when you are stressed (and our kids with trauma and mental illnesses are often stressed). How likely is it that this could be a large contributor to a child feeling irritable, aggressive (in children, depression often shows as anger), and miserable?</p><p>It's definitely something to consider.</p><p>**************</p><p><b><i>Kitty keeps her home's thermostat set at 66 degrees and drops it to 62 at night (because the only way she can sleep at night is snuggled up in her blankets with her pets. She says that when she gets too hot most extreme, sweat dripping on her face, her skin becomes itchy, and has violent screaming outbursts. Mildest is slight irritability. The longer she's uncomfortable the more intense it becomes, from mild impatience to screaming, "Get out of my f-ing face!" it's any higher she feels irritable and I will admit that until I started researching this, I dismissed her explanations as being thoughtless, entitled, exaggerated, and wasteful she was being childish, ridiculous, and annoying. </i></b></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-12564768853955382192022-02-14T01:49:00.001-06:002022-02-14T02:00:02.744-06:00Questions to Ask When You're Considering Placement of a Child<h2 style="text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhHhYHr2PMJZh77tU7MCMiS6phaaT9kpmA2AofCNQALUTjk-uQ28H5AhJrd59NTEHN5joqpwbLW01z66yJA4lLTEK_NN3IBNWArR70NSJprjHSndJcZY8LMUFZkR4iC2wgK-y-RpQyRuasMlqQdjK87St-wo4HVkDEktFyzZ-BQUgifjXy0dPIGaIgXkQ" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="614" data-original-width="960" height="205" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhHhYHr2PMJZh77tU7MCMiS6phaaT9kpmA2AofCNQALUTjk-uQ28H5AhJrd59NTEHN5joqpwbLW01z66yJA4lLTEK_NN3IBNWArR70NSJprjHSndJcZY8LMUFZkR4iC2wgK-y-RpQyRuasMlqQdjK87St-wo4HVkDEktFyzZ-BQUgifjXy0dPIGaIgXkQ" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br /></h2><h2 style="text-align: left;"><a href="https://chlss.org/blog/23-crucial-questions-to-ask-at-foster-care-placement-meetings/" target="_blank"><b>23 Crucial Questions to Ask at Foster Care Placement Meetings</b>:</a></h2>
<ol type="1"><li>Ask to speak with current caregivers to understand the child’s current schedule and routines.</li>
<li>Get a list of previous placements, how long they lasted, and why they disrupted.</li>
<li>What prompted the termination of parental rights? Did either parent voluntarily surrender, and why? Try to get the psychiatric history of the birth parents.</li>
<li>What circumstances put the child in foster care. Is any of the child's history known, in particular any traumatic events? </li>
<li>If adopting, why didn’t past foster parents adopt this child/children?</li>
<li>Was the child exposed to alcohol or drugs during pregnancy? A clear answer is often not available unless the child is young, and hospital records from birth are available. Still, you can get information on the birth mother’s lifestyle and habits to understand the possibilities better. Also, ask if the child’s siblings have shown evidence of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD) or prenatal drug exposure. Keep in mind that prenatal alcohol and drug exposure is prevalent for children in foster care.</li>
<li>Does the child have siblings, and where are they now (adoption, relatives, residential care, etc.)? Why are they not being placed together?</li>
<li>Where are the biological parents now? Are these relatives or extended family in the area near you? What is the expectation for ongoing contact with birth parents, siblings, or extended family?</li>
<li>What type of relationship did this child have with birth parents?</li>
<li>Does the child have an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) for school? Is the child struggling in school? What is his/her attitude toward school? What school did the child attend previously?</li>
<li>Does the child make and maintain age-appropriate friends?</li>
<li>Ask for a list of diagnoses, and what behavior may have led to the diagnosis.</li>
<li>Who made the diagnosis? Foster parent? Pediatrician? School? Medical Specialist? Ask for the documentation.</li>
<li>What kind of medication is the child on now, if any, and what medications has the child taken previously?</li>
<li>Are there any current health or behavioral concerns or need for ongoing therapy?</li>
<li>If the child has been in therapy, how long? What types of models of treatment have been used?</li>
<li>Has or has this child ever had a diagnosis of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) or any other type of attachment disorder? What has been done for this child to deal with this? (Therapy, holdings, play therapy, etc.)</li>
<li>Has the child acted out sexually now or in the past? What type of behaviors, and when was the last time?</li>
<li>Are there safety concerns with pets? Younger children?</li>
<li>What kinds of hospitalization (including trips to the Emergency Room) has this child had? What tests were done? Ask for the documentation.</li>
<li>How does this child perceive herself? Does the child understand adoption, and does she want to be adopted?</li>
<li>If the child is not a member of your race/ethnicity, how does he feel about being a member of a family of a different race/ethnicity?</li>
<li>Ask to see the child’s entire file, not just a summary. Arrange for a time that you can read through the file uninterrupted.</li>
<li>Ask yourself: if this child were to get no better after placement in your home, could you handle his/her behaviors just as they are now?</li></ol>
<br />
<h2 style="text-align: left;"><b>More Questions To Ask</b></h2><div><div><b>Questions to ask Parents/Family members</b></div><div>1. Tell me about the child</div><div>2. Activities enjoyed</div><div>3. How often do you speak to/visit with the child?</div><div>4. What is your plan or goal for your child? Desire for reunification?</div><div>5. What help do you need from me, DSS to achieve that goal?</div><div>6. Other family for visitation/placement/support resources</div><div><br /></div><div><b>Questions to ask Child</b></div><div>1. What are your interests?</div><div>2. How do you feel about school? What do you like about school?</div><div>3. Have you visited/spoken to relatives? How often? How did it go?</div><div>4. Do you like the foster/group home?</div><div>5. Any problems? Who did you tell? Outcome?</div><div>6. Where would you like to live? What do you want for your future?</div><div><br /></div><div><b>Questions to ask DSS Social Worker</b></div><div>1. Confirm placement and contact information</div><div>2. Do you have contact information for the child’s Therapist, Psychiatrist, Foster Parents, Family</div><div>Members, etc.?</div><div>3. Request updated information (placement, etc.)</div><div>4. Date of last facilitation meeting? Request results from it. Request copy of current case plan.</div><div>5. Has the child been assigned a parent (educational ) surrogate (only if necessary)?</div><div>6. Have you visited with the family? How often? How did the visits go?</div><div>7. What services/programs is the child part of? (ECI, public school pre-K, CASA)</div><div><br /></div><div><b>Questions to ask Foster Parents</b></div><div>1. How are things going? How is his/her behavior?</div><div>2. Does he/she get along with the family? Are there other kids in the home? Are they foster kids</div><div>or biological kids? </div><div>3. How does the child do in School? Homework?</div><div>4. What is the child’s regular schedule? Routines? Activities? How does the child handle changes in routines or activities?</div><div>5. Concerns (get details about any incidents)?</div><div>6. Does he/she talk to/family members? How often? Behavior after?</div><div>7. Is the child in therapy? Is he/she on medication? Does he/she take it?</div><div>8. Appointment up to date? (medical, dental, vision)</div><div>9. Does he visit family members? Who? Where? How often? Who provides the transportation</div><div>10. Does the child participate in any after-school/recreational/ activities?</div><div><br /></div><div><b>Questions to ask Group Home Manager</b></div><div>1. How does the child get along with the staff? Other residents?</div><div>2. Has he/she integrated himself into group home life?</div><div>3. How is his/her behavior in general? Any specific incidents? Request incident reports</div><div>4. Is he/she receiving therapy</div><div>5. Is he/she taking his medication?</div><div>6. What are his/her strengths?</div><div>7. What area does he/she need more support in?</div><div>8. Does he/she participate in group home events? What activities does the group home offer?</div><div>9. Does he/she follow the rules? Does he/she obey the curfew?</div><div>10. May I have a copy of his/her treatment plan? When is the next treatment planning meeting?</div><div>11. Does he/she talk to /see family members? How often? (specifically those named in case file)</div><div>12. Does he/she visit family members? Who? Where? How often? Who transports?</div><div><br /></div><div><b>Questions to ask Therapist</b></div><div>1. How often is the child seen? Does he keep his appointments? If not, why?</div><div>2. Is he/she open to therapy? Is he/she engaged?</div><div>3. May I have copies of any assessments, reports, and visit notes?</div><div>4. Recommendations? (Anger management, structured activities, mentor, family therapy, etc.)</div><div>5. Is there any other type of therapy that would be beneficial that he/she is not receiving?</div><div>(family,group,play)</div><div><br /></div><div><b>Questions to ask Foster Care Agency Worker</b></div><div>1. Activities</div><div>2. Concerns</div><div>3. Visits w/family</div><div>4. Therapy/medication</div><div>5. Appointments</div><div>6. Notes from most recent treatment team meeting/next scheduled team meeting?</div><div><br /></div><div><b>Questions to ask Mental Health Professional</b></div><div>1. What has he/she been diagnosed with?</div><div>2. Has he/she been prescribed medication? Which ones? Dosages? How often evaluated?</div><div>3. How often is the child seen?</div><div>4. Can you fax me a copy of your most recent Psychiatric evaluation?</div><div><br /></div><div><b>Questions to ask School Guidance Counselor</b></div><div>1. May I have a printout of his/her attendance records?</div><div>2. Who is contacted when he/she is absent? How are they contacted?</div><div>3. May I have a copy of his/her most recent report card/progress report?</div><div>4. Has he/she completed his community service hours? (High school students)</div><div>5. Has he/she taken the HSAs? What were the results? ( High School Students)</div><div>6. Does he/she have a record of misbehaving? Request incident reports (suspensions, expulsions)</div><div>7. Has an IEP been requested? When? By whom? Status? Can I get a copy of it?</div><div>8. What resources are available at the school? (tutoring, test prep, online assignments /grades)</div><div>9. What classes are required to graduate? Is the child on track to graduate on time?</div><div>10. What extracurricular activities are offered?</div><div>11. Parent/educational contact information</div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>Questions to ask </b><b>Childcare</b></div><div>1. Does he/she attend class regularly?</div><div>2. How is his/her behavior?</div><div>3. In your opinion, is the child on track with other children developmentally?</div><div>4. What is the child’s regular schedule? Routines? Activities? How does the child handle changes in routines or activities?</div><div>5. What activities are available for the child? Does he/she participate?</div><div>6. Does he/she follow the rules? </div><div>7. Does he/she ask for help when he does not understand something?</div><div>8. What can I do to help him/her be more successful?</div><div>9. What are the child’s strengths?</div><div><br /></div></div><div><b>Questions to ask </b><b>Teachers</b></div><div>1. What class do you teach? ( Information is online)</div><div>2. What time does he/she attend your class? (Information is on schedule)</div><div>3. Does he/she attend your class regularly? (See attendance records)</div><div>4. When he/she attends class, is he on time? (tardies are shown on attendance records)</div><div>5. Is he/she prepared (homework, books, paper, and pen)?</div><div>6. How is his/her behavior?</div><div>7. How many homework assignments have been given? What were his/her grades on each?</div><div>8. How many tests has he been given? What were his/her grades on them?</div><div>9. Are extra credits offered?</div><div>10. Does he/she actively participate in class?</div><div>11. Does he/she ask for help when he does not understand the lesson?</div><div>12. In your opinion, is he/she able to do the work?</div><div>13. Do you offer tutoring?</div><div>14. What can I do to help him/her be more successful in school?</div><div>15. What are the child’s strengths?</div><div>16. Request a copy of the syllabus/classroom expectations</div><div><br /></div><div><b>Questions to ask Probation Officer</b></div><div>1. What are the terms of his probation?</div><div>2. Is he complying with the terms of his probation?</div><div>3. How often does he have to visit you?</div><div><br /></div><div>Note: This list of basic questions is only a quide. All of the questions may not be appropriate for each</div><div>case. You may need to ask different people the same questions to make sure that everyone is on the</div><div>same page. Also, ask everyone that you speak to when is the best time to contact them.</div></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Keep track of everyone's answers! <b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/03/document-document-document.html" target="_blank">DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT!!</a></b></div><div>Not only to help you remember everything, but this can help you get services for your child and can help protect you and your family from false allegations.</div>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-37067706197211990442020-08-10T15:09:00.001-05:002020-08-10T15:09:53.081-05:00Acronym Alphabet Soup!<p><span style="font-family: inherit;"> There are sooo many acronyms in our life that it's hard to keep track. Plus there are a lot of acronyms that have more than one meaning! Here's a brief overview of the ones used frequently in the adoption/trauma world. Please add any you know in the comments!</span></p><p></p><h2 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></h2><h2 style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Diagnoses:</span></b></h2><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>AD</b> - Attachment Disordered</span></div><div><b style="background-color: white; color: #0000ee;"><u><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></u></b></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/04/katharine-leslie-seminar-adhd.html" style="background-color: white;"><b>ADD/ADHD</b></a> </span>- Attention Deficit Disorder - Attention Deficit Disorder with Hyperactivity</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2017/05/attachment-disorders-vs-autism-spectrum.html" style="background-color: white;"><b><span style="color: #2b00fe;">ASD</span></b></a> - Autism Spectrum Disorders</span></div><div><b><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/books-and-methods-review-borderline.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;"><b>BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder</b></a><b> - </b></span><span style="background-color: white;">Officially this cannot be diagnosed until the person is 18 but prior to that the child can be diagnosed with BPD Traits. Many medical health professionals are reluctant to use this diagnosis because insurance often will not cover it as it is not "curable" with medications and most types of therapy. Many therapists refuse to treat people with BPD because they are very difficult to work with and the symptoms are very difficult to treat. EMDR and CBT are often recommended treatments.</span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2019/03/continuous-traumatic-stress-cts.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;"><b>Continuous Traumatic Stress (CTS)</b></a> - Especially common among parents actively living with kids with trauma issues. Also known as Caregiver/Compassion Fatigue, PTSD (that is not "post" yet), Secondary PTSD, burnout...</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #5dc2c0;"><b style="background-color: white; text-align: center;"><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/02/ptsd-in-older-child-adoption.html" target="_blank">C-PTSD/ DTD/ </a></i></b><b style="background-color: white; text-align: center;"><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/02/ptsd-in-older-child-adoption.html" target="_blank">PTSD</a></i></b></span><span style="background-color: white; text-align: center;"><i style="color: blue; font-weight: bold;"> </i><span style="color: blue;">- </span>Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Developmental Trauma Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder</span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div><div><b style="background-color: white; color: #0000ee;"><u><span style="font-family: inherit;">DSED - Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder</span></u></b></div><div><b style="background-color: white; color: #0000ee;"><u><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></u></b></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2017/10/fetal-alcohol-spectrum-disorders-fasd.html" style="color: #0b5394;"><b>FASD - Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders</b></a><b> / </b></span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Alcohol-Related Neurodevelopmental Disorder (ARND)</b></span></div><div><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">IDD </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">(formerly known as MR/ mentally retarded) - </span><span style="color: #222222;">Intellectual development disorder (IDD) is a neuro-developmental disorder characterized by deficits in general intellectual functioning such as reasoning, planning, judgment, abstract thinking, academic learning, and experiential learning.</span></span></div><div><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/12/odd-vs-rad.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;"><b>ODD/CD</b></a> - Oppositional Defiant Disorder vs Conduct Disorder. Both involve defiant and disobedient behavior toward authority figures, but Conduct Disorder is used when it is believed that the behavior is under the child's control and the child is willfully being defiant and disobedient.<br /><br /><b>PDD</b> - Pervasive Developmental Disorder</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #5dc2c0;"><b style="background-color: white; text-align: center;"><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/02/ptsd-in-older-child-adoption.html" target="_blank">PTSD</a></i></b></span><span style="background-color: white; text-align: center;"><i style="color: blue; font-weight: bold;"> </i><span style="color: blue;">-</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder</span></span></div><div><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/05/books-and-methods-review-trauma-and.html" target="_blank"><b>RAD - Reactive Attachment Disorder</b></a> - a severe type of attachment disorder found in children who may have been abused or neglected and do not form a healthy emotional attachment with their primary caregivers — usually their mothers — before age 3,. The DSM V has changed the diagnosis of RAD - while Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) still exists, it is now used to describe "Inhibited RAD." What used to be called "Disinhibited RAD" is now called Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder (DSED). </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>SMI </b>- Severe Mental Illness - often used by health insurance. A mental, behavioral, or emotional disorder resulting in serious functional impairment, which substantially interferes with or limits one or more major life activities.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;">For more information about Diagnoses in children with trauma and attachment issues - <br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2019/01/overlapping-diagnoses-in-children.html" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><u>OVERLAPPING DIAGNOSES IN CHILDREN</u></a><span style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0);"><span>**</span></span><span style="color: #0d0e00;"><br /></span></b></span><span style="background-color: white;"><b><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/12/overlapping-behavior-characteristics.html">Overlapping Behavioral Characteristics Chart</a></span></b></span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><b><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b></span></div><div><h2><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Foster Care/Adoption Terms:</span></b></h2><div><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>CPS</b> – Child Protective Services – a governmental agency in many US states responsible for investigating reports of abuse and neglect of children</span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>DFPS - </b>Department of Family and Child Protective Services</span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: inherit;"><b>DSS</b> – Department of Social Services – State agency in charge of social programs, including those for children in foster care.</span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>FCW</b> - Family and Child Welfare</span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b>ICPC </b>-</span><span style="color: #222222;"> Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children – a legal agreement between 2 states made before a foster child can be placed out of state,</span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #222222;"><b>ICWA</b> - Indian Child Welfare Act - Federal law regarding custody and placement of Native American children. Preference is to be given to the child's extended family or a member of the child's tribe over a non-Native American adoptive parent.<br /><b>LOC </b>- Level of Care<br /><b>TFC/TFH </b>- Therapeutic Foster Care/Home<br /></span><b style="color: #222222;">TPR –</b><span style="color: #222222;"> </span><span style="color: #222222;">Termination of Parental Rights – court-ordered legal removal of a parent’s rights to their child(ren),</span></span></div><h2><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Medical Terms:</span></b></h2><p><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>DSM V </b>- Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–5) - The latest version of the manual used by psychiatrists and other medical professionals treating mental health disorders</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Pdoc</b> - Psychiatrist<br /><b>Phosp</b> - Psychiatric Hospital<br /><b>Tdoc</b> - Therapist - usually refers to a psychologist <br /><b>ER</b> - Emergency Room</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Tx</b> - Treatment. Can also mean Texas.<br /><b>Rx</b> - a medical prescription<br /><b>Bx</b> - behavior<br /><b>Sx </b>- symptom</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2018/12/rtc-rtf-residential-psychiatric-care.html" target="_blank"><b>RTC/RTF</b> </a>- Residential psychiatric Treatment Center/Facility</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><h2><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">People:</span></b></h2><p><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">These are often used with a number for age. Ex. AD16</span></i></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit;">AD - adopted daughter <br />AS - adopted son</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit;">FD - foster daughter<br />FS - foster son</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit;">SD - stepdaughter<br />SS - stepson</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit;">BioDD/BioDS - your biological child<br />Biosib, Biomom, Biofather... your adopted child's biological family</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit;">BM - birth mom or biomom<br />BD - birth dad or biodad</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit;">BF - usually boyfriend <br />BFF - best friend forever<br />SO - significant other</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit;">I see these less often in the adoption/trauma world, but I still see them in certain forums:<br />DD - dear daughter<br />DS - dear son<br />DH - dear husband<br />YDD - youngest daughter<br />ODD - oldest daughter (this one always makes me laugh when I type it).<br />YDS - youngest son<br />ODS - oldest son</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit;">SAHD<span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Stay-at-Home Dad<br />SAHM<span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Stay-at-Home Mom<br />WAHM<span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Work-at-Home Mom</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit;">CASA – Court Appointed Special Advocate – a person appointed by the court to advocate for abused or neglected children. <br />CM - Case Manager<br />CW - Caseworker<br />CWSW - Child Welfare Social Worker<br />FAW - Foster Adoptive Worker<br />GAL – Guardian Ad Litem – a person appointed by the court to represent the “best interest of the child”<br />SLP - Speech/Language Pathologist<br />SW - Social Worker</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p></div><h2 style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white;"><b><span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/books-and-methods-review-school.html" target="_blank">School</a>:</span></b></span></h2><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;"><b>ARD</b> - </span>Admission, Review, and Dismissal. <span style="background-color: white;">This appears to a term specific to Texas. </span>An ARD meeting is a meeting of a group of people who help to determine whether or not a student is eligible for special education and develops the Individual Education Program (IEP) for eligible students.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">ED -</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> Emotionally Disturbed. This is not a diagnosis. Created by Federal law, it is used in schools to label kids with severe emotional problems (like bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, conduct disorder, C-PTSD...) </span><span style="color: #222222;">that adversely affect their ability to learn in an educational setting.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> The label allows them to receive services and accommodations such as special ed. </span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>IDEA – </b>Individuals with Disabilities Education Act – US Federal law that requires schools to provide students with a disability an education that is tailored to their individual special needs.</span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><b><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;"><b>IEP </b>- </span>Individual Education Program - a written document that's developed for each public school child who is eligible for special education. It addresses their individual learning needs, accommodations needed, and educational goals.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>OHI</b> – Other Health Impairment – a chronic condition (such as ADD, ADHD, epilepsy, Tourette syndrome...) that causes the child to struggle in the classroom, </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>SED</b> - Special Education</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><h2 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Slang:</b> </span></h2><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>BRB</b> - Be Right Back</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>BTDT</b> - Been There. Done That.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>BTW</b> - By The Way</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>DM</b> - Direct Message. Used mainly in social media-based conversation (Twitter or Instagram). A message between 2 people sent privately outside of the social media group or chat. <br /><b>FB</b> - Facebook. This has other inappropriate meanings so be sure to use it in context!</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>FML</b> - F*ck My Life</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>FWIW</b> - For What It's Worth</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>FYI</b> - For Your Information</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>HTH</b> - Hope This/That Helps</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>OMG</b> - Oh my God/Goodness/Gosh</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>IMHO</b> - In My Humble Opinion</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>IRL</b> - In Real Life</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>OTOH</b> - On The Other Hand</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>PM</b> - Private Message. Used mainly in computer-based conversation (instant messaging, email, text messaging, etc.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>SMH</b> - Shaking My Head<br /><b>SSDD</b> - Same S#it. Different Day.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>TTYL</b> - Talk To You Later</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>YOLO</b> - You Only Live Once</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><h2 style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Treatment:</span></b></h2><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b> <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods-brain.html" style="color: #0b5394;">BIT - Brain Integration Technique/ Crossinology</a></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> A </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">stress management process said to permanently improves the flow of information in the brain in less than ten hours, with no drugs or surgery.</span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><u><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods_1792.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;">CBT</a>- <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods_1792.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;">Cognitive Behavioral Therapy</a></u></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> - talk</span><span style="color: #222222;"> therapy that combines behavior therapy and cognitive therapy to address dysfunctional emotions, behaviors, and cognitions.</span></span></div><div><span style="color: #222222; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><u><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods_50.html" style="color: #0b5394;">DBT</a> - </u></b><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods_50.html" style="color: #0b5394;">Dialectical Behavior Therapy</a>-<span style="font-weight: normal;"> talk therapy used to</span></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">treat people with borderline personality disorder (BPD). DBT combines standard cognitive-behavioral techniques for emotion regulation and reality-testing with concepts of distress tolerance, acceptance, and mindful awareness</span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><u><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods-emdr.html" style="color: #0b5394;">EMDR</a> </b></u></span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">- </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. This is a great therapy for people with PTSD</span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods_1158.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;">EFT</a> - "<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods_1158.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;">Tapping"</a> </span><span style="color: #222222;">Emotional Freedom Techniques - </span><span style="color: #222222;">"Tapping" on the meridian points of the body while saying certain statements.W</span><span style="color: #222222;">orks well for children of trauma (and their parents too).</span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/11/family-values-rrhaftball.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;">RRHAFTBALL</a> - Respectful, Responsible, Honest, Fun To Be Around, Loving, and Learning.</span></div><div><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic_8637.html" target="_blank">TBRI - Trust-Based Relational Intervention </a></b>by Karyn Purvis - </span><span style="color: #222222;">an attachment-based, trauma-informed intervention focused primarily on Connection</span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div><h2 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Other</b><b style="color: #222222; font-size: 16px;">: </b></span></h2><div><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>SSA</b> - Social Security Administration</span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b>SSI/SSDI</b> - Social Security Income/Social Security Disability Income {</span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/10/applying-for-ssi-for-your-adult-child.html" style="color: #5dc2c0;">Getting SSI for an Adult Child</a>}</b></span></div><div><span style="color: #222222; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;"><b>NAMI-CAN - </b>National Alliance for the Mentally Ill Children and Adolescents Network</span></span></div><div><table style="background-color: white; border-collapse: collapse; border-spacing: 0px; color: #333333; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><tbody style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><tr style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><td style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Title IV</span></span></td><td style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Child Welfare Act Section of the Social Security Act</span></span></td></tr><tr style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><td style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Title IV-A</span></span></td><td style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Aid to Families with Dependent Children (Section of the Social Security Act)</span></span></td></tr><tr style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><td style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Title IV-B</span></span></td><td style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Child Welfare Services Program (Section of the Social Security Act</span></span></td></tr><tr style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><td style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Title IV-D</span></span></td><td style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Child Support Enforcement Program (Section of the Social Security Act)</span></span></td></tr><tr style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><td style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Title IV-E</span></span></td><td style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Foster Care and Adoption Assistance Programs (Section of the Social Security Act)</span></span></td></tr><tr style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><td style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Title V</span></span></td><td style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Maternal and Child Health (Section of the Social Security Act)</span></span></td></tr><tr style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><td style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Title X</span></span></td><td style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Federal Family Planning Program (Section of the Social Security Act)</span></span></td></tr><tr style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><td style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Title XIX</span></span></td><td style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Medicaid (Section of the Social Security Act)</span></span></td></tr><tr style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><td style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Title XVIII</span></span></td><td style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Medicare (Section of the Social Security Act)</span></span></td></tr><tr style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><td style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Title XX/SSBG</span></span></td><td style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Social Security Block Grant (Section of the Social Security Act)</span></span></td></tr></tbody></table></div><h2 style="text-align: left;"><br /></h2>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-35867467981536357692020-05-17T16:14:00.001-05:002020-05-17T16:14:44.467-05:00Self-Harming/ Cutting<div class="separator" style="clear: both; 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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRmxNfdExjFSl1u3_xCNoy-mMVzvpX4igOnAZeFl18TaRwc2t-nqMdyHieiVQWj-j1MVsqWWBqLFpS7Or4LiY-AjTpK5aixtXo9DA-FjG66gPUSK4egvbwN-qJNbmFKPJ7xzEfk8lE3jTT/s1600/cutting.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0Gk9zY-FgeAEyStc8PIFlAODt8E8ji_1L1iAHN0QQzspYFxTBj1XPAed_YajCvUMcyFYUWgweJgcpOE2d82O9OyQhhikP5PYwpVyDIPuZPN1LPQo6xK9zumk9bgBm94BoH8R7X7Pdssjb/s1600/precursor+to+self+injury.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1299" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0Gk9zY-FgeAEyStc8PIFlAODt8E8ji_1L1iAHN0QQzspYFxTBj1XPAed_YajCvUMcyFYUWgweJgcpOE2d82O9OyQhhikP5PYwpVyDIPuZPN1LPQo6xK9zumk9bgBm94BoH8R7X7Pdssjb/s320/precursor+to+self+injury.png" width="259" /></a></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Marythemom Disclaimer:</span></i></b><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I have not personally dealt with a lot of self-harm with my children. I have one child that self-harmed but for only a short time because she was very afraid of pain. For her, the self-harm was triggered by being put on an anti-depressant (she is bipolar so this triggered severe mood swings) but continued even after the anti-depressants were out of her system. </span></i></b><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></b><b><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"Luckily," the types of self-harm she chose were digging her fingernails into her arms and erasing (rubbing skin with an eraser to the point that it rubs off the epidermis leaving it raw). Neither action left a mark longer than a couple of days. </span></i></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/cutting-self-harm-signs-treatment#1" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">Cutting and Self-Harm: Warning Signs and Treatment</a><b> </b>By Jeanie Lerche Davis</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Cutting. It's a practice that is foreign, frightening, to parents. It is not a suicide attempt, though it may look and seem that way. Cutting is a form of self-injury -- the person is literally making small cuts on his or her body, usually the arms and legs. It's difficult for many people to understand. But for kids, cutting helps them control their emotional pain, psychologists say.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This practice has long existed in secrecy. Cuts can be easily hidden under long sleeves. But in recent years, movies and TV shows have drawn attention to it -- prompting greater numbers of teens and tweens (ages 9 to 14) to try it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Karen Conterio, author of the book, Bodily Harm. Twenty years ago, Conterio founded a treatment program for self-injurers called SAFE (Self Abuse Finally Ends) Alternatives at Linden Oak Hospital in Naperville, Ill., outside of Chicago.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Her patients are getting younger and younger, Conterio tells WebMD. "Self-harm typically starts at about age 14. But in recent years we've been seeing kids as young as 11 or 12. As more and more kids become aware of it, more kids are trying it." She's also treated plenty of 30-year-olds, Conterio adds. "People keep doing it for years and years, and don't really know how to quit."</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRmxNfdExjFSl1u3_xCNoy-mMVzvpX4igOnAZeFl18TaRwc2t-nqMdyHieiVQWj-j1MVsqWWBqLFpS7Or4LiY-AjTpK5aixtXo9DA-FjG66gPUSK4egvbwN-qJNbmFKPJ7xzEfk8lE3jTT/s1600/cutting.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="920" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRmxNfdExjFSl1u3_xCNoy-mMVzvpX4igOnAZeFl18TaRwc2t-nqMdyHieiVQWj-j1MVsqWWBqLFpS7Or4LiY-AjTpK5aixtXo9DA-FjG66gPUSK4egvbwN-qJNbmFKPJ7xzEfk8lE3jTT/s320/cutting.jpg" width="222" /></a><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"The problem is particularly common among girls. But boys do it, too. It is an accepted part of the 'Goth' culture," says Wendy Lader, Ph.D., clinical director for SAFE Alternatives. "</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Self-injury is definitely a coping strategy for unhappy kids."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Very often, kids who self-harm have an eating disorder. "They may have a history of sexual, physical, or verbal abuse," Lader adds. "Many are sensitive, perfectionists, overachievers. The self-injury begins as a defense against what's going on in their family, in their lives. They have failed in one area of their lives, so this is a way to get control."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Self-injury can also be a symptom for psychiatric problems like <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/books-and-methods-review-borderline.html" target="_blank">borderline personality disorder</a>, anxiety disorder, <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/books-and-methods-review-bipolar.html" target="_blank">bipolar disorder</a>, schizophrenia, she says.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Yet many kids who self-injure are simply "regular kids" going through the adolescent struggle for self-identity, Lader adds. They're experimenting. "I hate to call it a phase, because I don't want to minimize it. It's kind of like kids who start using drugs, doing dangerous things."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"Yet self-harm is different from taking drugs," Conterio explains. "Anybody can take drugs and feel good. With self-injury, if it works for you, that's an indication that an underlying issue needs be dealt with -- possibly significant psychiatric issues. If you're a healthy person, you might try it, but you won't continue."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Self-harm may start with the breakup of a relationship, as an impulsive reaction. It may start simply out of curiosity. For many kids, it's the result of a repressive home environment, where negative emotions are swept under the carpet, where feelings aren't discussed. "A lot of families give the message that you don't express sadness," says Conterio.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It's a myth that this behavior is simply an attention-getter, adds Lader. "There's a [painkiller] effect that these kids get from self-harm. When they are in emotional pain, they literally won't feel that pain as much when they do this to themselves."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">About 8-10% of all people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) commit suicide. This does not include those who engage in risky behavior that results in death. </span></b></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Suicide (and other impulsive, dysfunctional behaviors) are seen as solutions to overwhelming, uncontrollable emotional pain. Self-injury is a coping mechanism that may release chemicals that lead to a general feeling of well-being. There are many reasons for self-injury, and it may be done intentionally or unconsciously (unaware and in a haze). An intellectual understanding of why they do it doesn't make it any easier to stop. There is a misperception that all people with BPD harm themselves or are suicidal. Many high functioning people with BPD do not, but those that do, however, may seek professional help more often than those who don't. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-weight: normal;"> ~</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/02/books-and-methods-review-stop-walking.html" target="_blank">Stop Walking on Eggshells</a></span></b></span></blockquote>
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<b><i><br /></i></b>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-66791069373085131302020-04-21T03:03:00.004-05:002023-02-06T14:18:43.764-06:00Child to Parent Violence<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Child-to-Parent Violence</b></span></span></span><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi_vk7nbKCYmT_TCQuwFEI9sRSluBI159vQN8Mq5azILXYekGDk76VpLyzbxqiKQ_WjKl75-dlexBnv83oKOVqO_yGpBhUD-v3AtXBXiiSSmSyBVo5HC0ohx8EmcGDnVDPPd3549zFazq6l5xrv5-Esf2gPlEmOwuwE0UJ5dWebVzzFo_U7W4ihFYnF0A" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="923" data-original-width="656" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi_vk7nbKCYmT_TCQuwFEI9sRSluBI159vQN8Mq5azILXYekGDk76VpLyzbxqiKQ_WjKl75-dlexBnv83oKOVqO_yGpBhUD-v3AtXBXiiSSmSyBVo5HC0ohx8EmcGDnVDPPd3549zFazq6l5xrv5-Esf2gPlEmOwuwE0UJ5dWebVzzFo_U7W4ihFYnF0A" width="171" /></a></div><br /><br /></b>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">Abuse of parents by their children, also known as child-to-parent violence (CPV), is a form of domestic violence and is one of the most under-reported and under-researched subject areas in the field of psychology. Parents are quite often subject to levels of childhood aggression in excess of normal childhood aggressive outbursts, typically in the form of verbal or physical abuse. Parents feel a sense of shame and humiliation to have that problem, so they rarely seek help.</span></blockquote>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">‘Parent abuse’ has been defined by Cottrell (2001, p. 3) as ‘any harmful act of a teenage child intended to gain power and control over a parent. The abuse can be physical, {</span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><i>verbal abuse (for example, swearing at or threatening a parent)</i></b>}, </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">psychological/emotional <b><i>{such as intimidation, threats, gaslighting...}</i></b>, or financial.’ </span></span></blockquote>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I</span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">t may be a one-time incident or it may escalate in frequency, even to the point of a daily occurrence. </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">And although parental abuse is often associated with explosive anger and rage, the abusive behavior may occur with no emotion: a quiet, deliberate act of harm used by a teen to maintain power over a parent. </span></span></blockquote>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">Though this type of abuse often takes place during the teen years (often from 12 to 17), it can happen earlier than that. There's been some reports of children younger than 10 years old. </span></blockquote>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Effect on Parents</span></b>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">The effects of experiencing abuse from one's child can be profound. In the short term, ongoing parent abuse has been found to impact on a parent's and other family members’ physical and psychological health, with specific negative emotions such as fear, shame, guilt, and despair commonly reported (Cottrell & Monk, 2004) Parental abuse can leave a person feeling embarrassed, ashamed, angry, terrified, and unsure of what to do. These are feelings that we call “parent paralyzers,” feelings so intense that they overtake logic and reason and leave us questioning ourselves and trapped in uncertainty about what direction to take. </span></span></blockquote>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Causes of CPV</b></span>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">The causes are yet to be properly studied, as there's still very little research on that, but three main variables have been suggested as possible contributors to child to parent abuse: the presence of a mental health condition, <b><i>{special needs, ASD, FASD, brain injuries, impulse control issues...]</i></b>, attachment difficulties (which might or might not be related to a mental health issue), <b><i>{substance abuse}</i></b> and/or previous experiences of abuse {<b><i>this can include witnessing acts of domestic violence}</i></b>. </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><i>[Or as is often the case with children of trauma, some combination of all of the above.]</i></b> </span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Children within these risk groups may have “several overlapping issues”, says social worker and CPV campaigner Helen Bonnick.</span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"> </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Early trauma, such as neglect or living with domestic violence, may have affected the way they react to stress – or had a modeling effect. Children who are abusing substances may lash out while intoxicated or demand money for drugs. They may be living with such high levels of anxiety that it takes very little to tip them into fight, flight or freeze. </span></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">~from the article </span><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parental_abuse_by_children" target="_blank">Parental abuse by children</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Tip of the Iceberg</b><br />In the US, recent estimates of the prevalence of child-on-parent violence range from 5% to 22% of families, which means several million U.S. families could be affected.</span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">A 2008 study by the U.S. Justice Department found that while most domestic assault offenders are adults, about 1 in 12 who come to the attention of law enforcement are minors. In half of those cases, the victim was a parent, most often the mother. </span></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><a href="https://khn.org/news/when-teens-abuse-parents-shame-and-secrecy-make-it-hard-to-seek-help/" target="_blank">~ When Teens Abuse Parents, Shame And Secrecy Make It Hard To Seek Help</a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">In the UK, Met Police figures show that reports of child-to-parent violence (CPV) increased 95% from 920 in 2012 to 1,801 in 2016. However, it is difficult to know whether this is because the issue is more widespread or is reported more often.</span></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">“My feeling is that it is more widespread,” says social worker and CPV campaigner Helen Bonnick. “I am seeing lots of links with CPV and children and young people’s mental health – so if, as we are told, that is worsening you would expect there to be a knock-on effect.” <b><i>[For those of us who only speak "American," - "Knock-on effect" appears to mean "causes other things to happen." - In other words, the increase in mental health issues will most likely mean an increase in Child to Parent Violence (CPV).]</i></b></span></blockquote>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">What is clear, is that the problem is much wider than reported – “for very understandable reasons”, says Suzanne Jacob, chief executive of domestic abuse charity SafeLives. “Those who experience intimate partner violence only call the police at a rate of one in five. We can all see the reasons why you would be even less likely to call the police about your child – and not just the police – there is so much attached in terms of any stigma people feel, and in terms of worries about consequences for themselves and the child.”</span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Shame and fear can prevent parents from seeking the help they need – as can a lack of understanding from family, friends, and agencies. “The kind of dismissiveness people in previous times applied to intimate partner violence is still applied to CPV,” says Jacob. “People end up minimizing what is actually an incredibly serious issue in somebody’s home.”</span></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">The insidious nature of domestic abuse also plays its part. “It can build up gradually,” says Bonnick, who runs the campaigning and resource website Holes in the Wall. “It takes a while to acknowledge that you are being abused … because it’s become so normal,” she says.</span></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Lack of services</b></span></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">“I think often people do ask for help and get knocked back – passed from one agency to another,” says Bonnick. “It can be very difficult to find where to go in the first place, and then even if you do approach an agency, what sort of help do you get?”</span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">It’s a good question. The reality is that there is no national blueprint for dealing with CPV and the quality of help families receive is patchy. “What you get is pockets of good practice,” says Condry, “but a lot of areas where there is practically nothing.”</span></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">~<a href="https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/dec/09/what-happens-when-your-child-becomes-violent-with-you" target="_blank">What Happens When Your Child Becomes Violent … With You</a></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">The United States currently protects abused children using Courts, Child Protective Services, and other agencies. The US also has Adult Protective Services which is provided to abused, neglected, or exploited older adults and adults with significant disabilities.</span>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>There are no agencies or programs that protect parents from abusive children, adolescents or teenagers other than giving up their Parental Rights to the state they live in.</b></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">~from the article <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parental_abuse_by_children" target="_blank">Parental abuse by children</a></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">Responding to Parental Abuse </span></b><br />
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By <a href="https://www.empoweringparents.com/blog/author/kimabraham/" rel="author" style="background-color: transparent; box-sizing: inherit; color: #00a3e0; text-decoration-line: none; touch-action: manipulation;" title="Posts by Kim Abraham, LMSW">Kim Abraham, LMSW</a> and <a href="https://www.empoweringparents.com/blog/author/marney/" rel="author" style="background-color: transparent; box-sizing: inherit; color: #00a3e0; text-decoration-line: none; touch-action: manipulation;" title="Posts by Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW">Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW</a></span></h3>
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">Aggressive and abusive behavior is <em style="box-sizing: inherit; font-size: 16px;">not</em> a part of typical childhood or adolescence. It’s not a stage that your teen will “grow out of” if you ignore it. If you’re dealing with parental abuse in your home, your child is violating the rights of others. It doesn’t matter that it’s his parent’s rights; that doesn’t make it any less serious or illegal. Your home is the place where your child will learn how to interact in the world. He is learning what’s acceptable — and what’s not. He’s learning about consequences for behavior and accountability.</span></blockquote>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">One of the hardest tasks a parent can be faced with is responding to their own child’s aggression or abuse. It’s natural to feel torn. On one hand, it’s instinctual to protect your child. On the other hand, nothing can push a parent’s buttons of anger, disappointment, and hurt like a child’s abusive behavior. Some days you may feel emotionally stronger than others. Only you can decide what you’re able to follow through with at any given time. Here are some suggestions:</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">1. Clearly Communicate Boundaries</span></b><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Make sure your child understands your physical and emotional boundaries. You may need to clearly state:</span></span></blockquote>
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<em style="box-sizing: inherit; font-size: 16px;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">“It’s not okay to yell or push or hit me.”</span></em></blockquote>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">If you’ve said this to your child in the past, but allowed her to cross those boundaries in the past without consequence, she’s gotten mixed messages. Your words have told her one set of boundaries but your actions (by accepting being yelled at or hit) have communicated another set of boundaries.</span></blockquote>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">Make sure your non-verbal communication (what you do) matches your verbal communication (what you say).</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">2. Clearly Communicate Consequences For Abusive Behavior</span></b><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Tell your teen:</span></span></blockquote>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><em style="box-sizing: inherit; font-size: 16px;">“If you hit me, throw something at me, or otherwise hurt me physically, that’s called domestic violence and assault. Even though I love you, I will call the police and you will be held accountable for your behavior.”</em> </span></blockquote>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">Then – again – make sure your actions match your words. If you don’t think you can follow through with contacting the police – don’t say you will. This will only reinforce to your child that you make “threats” that won’t be carried out.</span></blockquote>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">You may choose to provide other consequences, other than legal, that you enforce. If a friend physically assaulted you, would you let her borrow your car or give her spending money the next day? Probably not.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">3. Contact the Authorities</span></b><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">We don’t say this lightly or without understanding how difficult this can be for a parent. Some parents are outraged at a teen’s abusive behavior and react: “I’ve got no problem calling the cops on my kid if he ever raises a hand to me!” Other parents struggle, worrying about the long term consequences of contacting the police or unable to handle the thought of their child facing charges.</span></span></blockquote>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span style="color: red;"><b>Remember, if your teen is behaving violently toward you now, there is the risk that this will generalize to his future relationships with a spouse, his own children, or other members of society. You are not doing him a favor by allowing him to engage in this behavior without consequence.<br />Related content: </b></span><a href="https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/is-it-time-to-call-the-police-on-your-child-assaultive-behavior-verbal-or-physical-abuse-drugs-and-crime/" style="background-color: transparent; box-sizing: inherit; font-size: 16px; touch-action: manipulation;"><span style="color: red;"><b>When to Call the Police on Your Child</b></span></a><span style="color: #484848;"></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #484848;"><b>4. Get Support</b></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #484848;">Parental abuse is a form of domestic violence. It’s a serious issue and needs immediate attention and intervention. Domestic violence has traditionally been characterized by silence. As hard as it is, break that silence. Get support from family or friends – anyone you think will be supportive.</span></span></blockquote>
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<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=3852422397272068136" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span style="color: #484848;">If your natural supports tend to judge you and you’re afraid it will only make the situation worse, contact a local domestic violence hotline, counselor, or support group. For support and resources in your community, you can also call 2-1-1 or visit </span><a href="http://www.211.org/" rel="noopener" style="background-color: transparent; box-sizing: inherit; color: #00a3e0; font-size: 16px; text-decoration-line: none; touch-action: manipulation;" target="_blank">211.org</a><span style="color: #484848;">, a free and confidential service through the United Way.</span></span></b></blockquote>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #484848; font-family: arial;">The road to a healthier relationship with your child will very likely take time. There’s no shortcut or quick fix. It starts with an acknowledgment of the issue and accountability. If you’re facing this issue in your family, we wish you strength and empowerment. </span></blockquote>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b>So What Do You Do About It?!</b></span></span><br />
<b style="font-size: large;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Some ideas (in no particular order):</span></b><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/01/my-child-is-raging.html" target="_blank">Handling Rages</a></b></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" target="_blank"><b>Handling Dysregulation and Meltdowns</b></a>- helping them learn to regulate their own behavior independently. <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/02/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" target="_blank"><b>Calming and Relaxation Techniques</b></a> </span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/giving-cpr-faith.html" style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-weight: bold;">You Have not Failed!!</a> </span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I had to reread this post (<i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/giving-cpr-faith.html" style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-weight: bold;">You Have not Failed!!</a>)</i> often after my son moved out and got into serious trouble. Part of me believed that I could have/ should have done more and that this was all my fault. One of the hardest (and most important) things I've done was to accept that I did the best I could and that was enough. </span><br />
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<b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/06/five-stars-my-top-10-things-i-couldnt.html" target="_blank"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">My Top 10ish Things I Couldn't Do This Without</span></a></b><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/03/document-document-document.html" target="_blank">Document, Document, Document!</a></b> - this helps you get services for your child and can help protect you and your family from false allegations.</span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Call the Authorities</b><br />I know it's scary, but often it's best to get the authorities involved when your child is violent. In addition to protecting you and your family, this provides documentation, and can often give you access to services you might not normally be able to access.<br />Some authorities that might help:<br />Police, Mental Health Authority, Child Welfare Agency (Child Protective Services, Post Adoption Services, Adoption Agency...)</span></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>National Domestic Violence Hotline</b> - 1-800-799-7233 | </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">1-800-787-3224 (TTY) | </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><a href="http://espanol.thehotline.org/" target="_blank">En Español</a> | If you’re unable to speak safely, you can log onto <a href="http://thehotline.org/">thehotline.org</a> or text LOVEIS to 22522.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Safety Plan</b> - It's easier to make that call to the police ( or mental health authority, adult protective services, child protective services...) if you already resolved to make it and under what circumstances. You can research in advance who to call (ex. our area has a "Mental Health Police department" but a regular police officer has to come out and determine that it's needed). This gives you time to have contact information gathered. You can also contact them in advance and make sure they understand the situation they might be walking into. This is a good time to establish a relationship with them without a screaming, raging child present or a triangulating child who is doing his/her best to make it appear that <i>you</i> are the one who is abusive/ raging/ out of control... </span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Understanding The Child's Behavior</b></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b style="color: #0b5394;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2017/10/why-wont-my-child-just-behave.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Why Won't My Child Just Behave?</a> </b></span></span></span></span><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><u><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/if-you-find-out-im-not-perfect-youll.html" target="_blank">Why Do They Do That?</a> </b></u><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><u><b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/if-you-find-out-im-not-perfect-youll.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">If You Find Out I'm Not Perfect You'll Leave</a></span></b></u></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><u><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?</a></span></b></u></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #222222;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/04/kitty-meltdown.html" target="_blank">Recognizing Triggers</a></b></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Pre</span></b><b>vention/ Setting Up A Successful Environment For The Child</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/11/structure-and-caring-support.html" target="_blank"><b>Structure and Caring Support</b></a></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" target="_blank">Therapeutic Parenting Based on Emotional/ Developmental Age</a></b></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/09/kittys-coming-home.html" target="_blank">Chores, Responsibilities, and Other Things My Kids Can't Handle</a></b></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Setting Boundaries</b></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Boundaries are essential for the safety of the child and the family but when dealing with an aggressive/ out-of-control child, especially when your life hasn't been set up that way from the beginning... it can feel impossible. This post has a lot of information about how we handled it - </span></span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/11/structure-and-caring-support.html" target="_blank">Structure and Caring Support.</a></b></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="color: #222222;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><u><span style="background-color: white;"><b><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: red;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/books-and-methods-review-borderline.html" style="color: #0b5394;">Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back</a> </span><span style="color: blue;">When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder</span></span><span style="color: red;"> </span></b></span></u></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">by Paul Mason MS, Randi Kreger - </span></span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I found this book to be helpful for anyone dealing with a child with an attachment disorder, not necessarily borderline personality disorder. It helped me better understand why they acted this way, which helped me be more empathetic. It also helped me with setting boundaries when my kids were teenagers, all of them, not just the adopted ones. </span><br />
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<span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif" style="color: #222222;"><b>Get Support!</b> </span><br />
<span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif" style="color: #222222;">Find people who "get it." Real-life, online... just find them, and share!! Remember, "You are not alone!" There are people out there who have been and/or are in similar situations. Reach out and ask for help and support - and accept it! </span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif" style="color: #222222;">You need help. You deserve help. Ask for it. Accept it. Please!</span><br />
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<b>Diagnoses/Labels for Services</b><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I found it helped to get full neuropsych evaluations to access services but all medical professionals, psychologists therapists. and even school evaluations can provide useful information. Trauma and other issues can cause results like IQ and mental health diagnoses can change dramatically. Try getting multiple assessments and then cherry-pick the results you need to get the services you want. </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">[</span><b><u><i><span style="color: blue;"><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/09/when-is-label-good-thing.html" style="background-color: white;">When Is a Label a Good Thing?</a><span style="background-color: white;">]</span></span></i></u></b></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br />[I carry a one-page document [<b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/09/current-med-and-diagnoses-page.html" target="_blank">Current Meds and Diagnoses Document</a></i></b>] that has a summary of my child's information including diagnoses and medications. I'm the one that wrote it, so it is easily changeable. I could, and did, include (and/or leave out) whatever test results we needed to get what my child needed. To be clear, I did not falsify the information! I just carefully chose which to present and emphasize. [<b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2018/08/how-to-get-your-document-read.html" target="_blank">Persuasive Writing - How To Get Your Document Read</a></i></b>]. </span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Psych hospitalizations</b> - Psych hospitals are designed for short-term crisis care only, but often just the fact that the child has been in a psych hospital is enough to open doors to services. Our insurance required that "all other interventions be tried" before it would pay for residential treatment so while multiple psych hospitalizations rarely changed/improved my child's current situation, they were helpful in getting our child into an RTC. </span></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Most importantly, psych hospitalization allowed both our family and the child to get a little respite from each other in a way that ensured the child was safe - I quickly learned to stop feeling guilty about enjoying the break and using the time to recharge my batteries and spend time with the family. </span></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Unfortunately, the psych hospitals often sent the child home before any changes had been made (<b><i>even my child stating to the discharge nurse that </i></b></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><i>she was actively suicidal </i></b></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><i>didn't stop her from being sent home after the standard 4 days that was all our state Medicaid covered</i></b>). </span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">We did use a "revolving door" technique. The moment the child was suicidal/ aggressive again, we went right back to the ER/ psych hospital. I know one family that pretty much just circled the block (during which, the child was aggressive and threatening) and walked back in the front door to apply for admission. </span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Residential Treatment <span style="font-style: italic;">[</span></b><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2018/12/rtc-rtf-residential-psychiatric-care.html" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">Finding and Funding Residential Treatment</a><b style="font-style: italic;"> (RTC/RTF)] - </b>I know some parents worry that RTC will damage the parent-child attachment relationship but we didn't find that to be the case. Possibly because we stayed in touch with the child and took the child home again when they were released (something that didn't always happen before the child came to live with us).</span><br />
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<span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif"><b>PINS / CHINS Petition </b></span><b>/ YIC </b><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">- </span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">Sometimes a teen's misconduct is so extreme or has been an ongoing problem for so long that his or her parents can no longer manage and feel they have no recourse but to remove the child from the home.</span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif"> His or her parents would have to go to their state's family court to file what is called a PINS (Persons in Need of Supervision) petition. In some states, it may be known as a CHINS (Children in Need of Supervision) petition or a YIC (Youth in Crisis) Law [<a href="https://www.cga.ct.gov/2009/rpt/2009-R-0187.htm" target="_blank">Parental Options For Out-Of-Control 16-Year-Olds b</a></span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif"><a href="https://www.cga.ct.gov/2009/rpt/2009-R-0187.htm" target="_blank">y Susan Price, Principal Legislative Analyst</a>]</span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">. </span><br />
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<span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">The process may vary somewhat from one state to another. Typically, before filing, the parents and child must meet with a representative of a government social-service agency, who attempts to resolve the family crisis and keep the case out of court. This step, called diversion, can last ninety days. If reconciliation proves unsuccessful, the parents may then file the petition asking the court to order supervision or treatment for the child. (Legal guardians, school districts, or social-service agencies charged with looking after a child may also file a PINS petition.)</span><br />
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<span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">The court will appoint an attorney for the young person and for the parents as well if they cannot afford one. While the case is under consideration, the teen will continue to live with his or her parents, unless the court decides that is an unwise arrangement. In that event, the teen may be released to the temporary care of a relative, foster care, or possibly a group home. A hearing is then held. The family may place the teen in either a treatment facility or in foster care. ~<a href="https://www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/conditions/emotional-problems/Pages/When-a-Teenager-is-Out-of-Control.aspx" target="_blank">Out-of-Control Teens: PINS Petitions & the Juvenile Justice System</a></span><br />
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<span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif"><b>Juvenile Justice System - </b></span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">If a person commits a crime while still a dependent minor, then it is considered not a criminal act but a delinquent act. Accordingly, the case is heard in family court or juvenile court rather than in criminal court. Exceptions may be made, however, for minors who have perpetrated particularly serious or violent crimes, called <u>designated felonies</u>. They may be treated as juvenile offenders in a criminal court, although the criminal court may return the case to family court.</span><br />
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<span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">An initial hearing is held to determine whether or not the teenager should be released to his or her parent's custody and allowed to go home. With minor or first-time offenses, that's usually what happens. But if the teen is felt to be a danger to the community or unlikely to return to court, he or she can be detained in a locked or unlocked facility until his or her day in court.</span><br />
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<span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">A minor found guilty of a delinquent act may be sent to a detention center, a shelter, or even a boot camp. But the growing trend is to place teenagers in the least restrictive environment possible, such as a non-secure group home. Ideally, the teen can eventually come back home and return to school. The goal of the court is not to punish, it's to rehabilitate and create a productive adult capable of functioning in society. A delinquent act does not become part of a minor's criminal record; a designated felony, however, does. </span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">~</span><a href="https://www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/conditions/emotional-problems/Pages/When-a-Teenager-is-Out-of-Control.aspx" target="_blank">Out-of-Control Teens: PINS Petitions & the Juvenile Justice System</a><br />
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<b>Legal Guardianship/ "Rehoming"</b><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif"> - whether with a relative, friend, or someone else, one option might be to temporarily (or permanently) place the child with another family. Be aware that there can be many legal and other repercussions from this and it is strongly advised that you do a LOT of research and discuss it with a family law attorney.</span><br />
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<span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif"><b>Emancipation</b> - </span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">A teen who wishes to live on his or her own legally, without running away from home, can appeal to the family court for a declaration of emancipation. Emancipation grants many rights of adulthood to teens who are approved by the court.</span><br />
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<span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">The criteria for emancipation vary according to jurisdiction. In some states, children as young as age fourteen may seek legal independence. </span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">It helps if the child can prove that being emancipated from the parent(s) is in his/her best interest and can</span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif"> prove that he/she can financially support him/herself financially and are capable of making decisions independently. </span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">Other criteria frequently include marriage, parenthood, or enlistment in the armed forces. Emancipation is also sometimes granted if the parents give their permission. Parents can remain involved with emancipated teens pending court approval. ~</span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif"><a href="https://www.thebalance.com/what-to-know-to-become-an-emancipated-minor-4174011" target="_blank">What You Need to Know to Become an Emancipated Minor</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Joint/Shared Custody with the State</b> - This can be the equivalent of voluntarily placing the child in foster care with the parent retaining a limited amount of control over the child's care/ placement. Unfortunately, parental rights might be involuntarily terminated if a child is placed in foster care. However, this is up to a judge and the likelihood of this occurring varies from state to state. Also, some states may require the parent(s) to pay child support to the state.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif"><a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B007QTO1XU" target="_blank">Second Time Foster Child: One Family's Fight for Their Son's Mental Healthcare and Preservation of Their Family</a> </span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">by Toni Hoy</span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">As an infant, Daniel entered the foster care system as a result of severe neglect, which manifested in violence and aggression later in his childhood after he was adopted by Jim and Toni Hoy. Denied the opportunity to get him into a residential treatment center and keep their other children safe, Jim and Toni were given two options by the state of Illinois: "If you bring him home, we're going to charge you with child endangerment for failure to protect your other kids.And if you leave him at the hospital, we'll charge you with neglect." </span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">"If any of our other kids got hurt, once we brought him home, they would take the other kids," Jim says. "They put our backs against the wall, and they didn't give us any options."</span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif"> </span> </span></blockquote>
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">The Hoys were investigated by DCFS and charged with neglect. They appealed in court and the charge was later amended to a "no-fault dependency," meaning the child entered state custody at no fault of the parents. </span></blockquote>
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<span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">Mental health professionals recommended abandoning Daniel at the hospital after the state denied all viable sources of funding for his treatment. So Daniel re-entered the foster care system for no other reason than he was mentally ill.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">A year later, Daniel’s mother discovered that his treatment was covered by a funding source that he was awarded as part of his special needs adoption. For two years they fought the state government to re-gain custody of their son and get the services he needed. Their fight eventually led to the Illinois </span><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Custody Relinquishment Prevention Act, which became law in 2015, orders six state agencies that interact with children and families to intervene when a family is considering giving up custody to get access to services. </span></span></blockquote>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><a href="https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/groundtermin.pdf" target="_blank">Terminating Parental Rights</a> </b>- To get the child access to mental health services that the family can't afford and/or access, to ensure the child's safety (from him/herself and/or others), and/or to protect family members from a violent, dangerous child, some families have felt their only option is to legally terminate their parental rights. </span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Voluntary Termination of Parental Rights -</b> Courts will not grant voluntary termination of parental rights unless parents can objectively prove this is in the best interest of the child. (This is where all that documentation comes in [<b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/03/document-document-document.html" target="_blank">Document! Document!! Document!!!</a>]</i></b>). Judges are generally hesitant to terminate parental rights, even if they're being given up voluntarily. Consult a family law attorney to figure out how to best argue for the termination of parental rights. He or she can help you draft a strong statement illustrating why giving up your parental rights is in the child's best interest. </span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">This may mean admitting to fault on your part - which, unfortunately, can lead to criminal charges for "child abuse" (child "abandonment" can be considered abuse) and even lead to the loss of custody of other children in the home. Parents who work in helping fields (teachers, medical professionals, police officers...) risk losing their careers if they are convicted of child abuse. </span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Involuntary termination of parental rights</b> - Legally t</span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">erminating parental rights through the courts can occur when "the parent has failed to correct the conditions and/or parental behaviors that led to State intervention and is unable to provide a safe home for the child, despite reasonable efforts by the State agency to provide services to prevent out-of-home placement or to achieve family reunification after out-of-home placement."</span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif"> </span><br />
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<span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif"><u>“Psychiatric lockout”</u> - </span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">When the child goes into a hospital for psychiatric care, the parent has to refuse to pick the child up. The hospital may call and call and call, but the parent repeats, ‘I’m not coming.’ </span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">It may sound cruel, but there’s a goal: once the parent refuses to pick up the child, DCFS takes custody of that child. That means, legally, the state has to give the child the mental health services he/she requires. This can include a residential program --one of the services many states don't fund and that families often can’t afford on their own. ~</span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif"><a href="https://www.wbez.org/stories/_/f95bf45f-f284-4909-adb9-812ae2ef73a9?fbclid=IwAR1fAbBSgzANzjCi56F5_a415kKQ-1WSZ9wwtksRTSX3fPOUlxDWNfhFfr0&utm_campaign" target="_blank">Excruciating Choice: Trading Parental Custody For Mental Health Care</a></span><br />
<span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">By Shannon Heffernan</span><br />
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<span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">Because legally this can be called "Child Abandonment" the parent(s) will most likely lose parental rights. </span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><b>Obviously, terminating parental rights is considered a last resort. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red; font-size: large;"><b>DON'T MAKE THE MISTAKE OF SACRIFICING EVERYTHING FOR ONE CHILD!! </b></span><br />
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<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/09/advocating-for-yourself-your-family-and.html" style="background-color: white; color: blue;"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Prioritizing Yourself, Your Marriage, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order</span></b></a><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Protect yourself and the rest of your family<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"> </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">and prioritize the needs of the family as a whole! </span></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b style="background-color: white;"><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2019/03/continuous-traumatic-stress-cts.html" style="color: blue;">Continuous Traumatic Stress(CTS) - When Your PTSD is Not Post/Past Yet</a></b> What to do when you are burnt out, empty, drained physically/mentally/emotionally, have 'Caregiver Fatigue'...</span></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Prioritizing Yourself </b></span></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I know it probably sounds impossible but you <b><i>HAVE TO</i></b> put yourself first. It's not selfish. It doesn't make you a bad parent. Like they say on an airplane, you have to put the mask on yourself first before attending to the needs of others. If you are completely drained, there is nothing left for ANYONE. I know many Trauma Mamas who after years of damage caused by stress and trauma (and lack of sleep!) have permanently damaged their health and immune system. </span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">O</span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">ne of my biggest regrets is that my "squeaky wheel" kids drained all my time and energy leaving nothing for my family. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" target="_blank">Self-Care: Caring For The Caregiver</a></i></b>
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/04/but-my-child-needs-me.html" target="_blank">Giving Until There's Nothing Left (But My Child NEEDS Me!</a></b>
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<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" style="background-color: white;" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;"><b>Finding The Joy</b></span></a>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/planning-trauma-mama-retreat.html" target="_blank">Getting Respite</a></i></b></span></span></span></blockquote>
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<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/09/how-we-keep-our-marriage-strong.html" style="background-color: white; color: blue;"><b>Marriage - Keeping it together</b></a></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">My marriage suffered (many trauma mamas I know are now divorced). Since the kids will (hopefully) be out of the house eventually and Hubby is the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with. I've learned that next to myself, my marriage</span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/11/parenting-biokids-and-adopted-kids.html" target="_blank">Parenting Biokids And Adopted Kids Together </a></b><br />Especially now that my kids are adults, I realize that having scary, severely mentally ill siblings was not the biggest problem for my biokids. </span></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">In addition to missing the happy memories, fun, family stuff like vacations, baking cookies together, and hanging out at the neighborhood pool, we missed a lot of the important-to-kids stuff like attending sporting events or seeing Bob's art displays on Parent's Night at school because we talked to Kitty's teachers instead. </span></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Also, there were also a lot of issues that I didn't catch. I didn't discover until his junior year in high school that </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Ponito had severe ADD causing him to almost flunk out of high school despite having an extremely high IQ. </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">It wasn't until they were in their 20s that one of my children finally confided to me that they'd been sexually molested as a teen. </span></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Looking back, it breaks my heart that I spent most of my children's childhoods being so busy and overwhelmed that I missed out on so much of the important stuff. </span></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I wish someone had told me that it was OK not to focus everything on trying to heal one or two kids. That even if my efforts were 100% successful (which did not happen and was never going to be possible) it was not worth the sacrifice.</span></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"> I'm not saying we shouldn't have adopted (although that might be true). I'm saying that I should have prioritized maintaining a balance. </span></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><b style="background-color: white; color: red; font-size: large;">There is no right way to parent, and even if you could do everything "right" that does not ensure the outcome you want, or that it will happen <em>when</em> you want it to.</b></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Resource Posts:</span></b><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><b><span style="font-weight: normal;">**</span></b><span style="font-weight: bold;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/06/five-stars-my-top-10-things-i-couldnt.html" style="color: blue; text-decoration-line: underline;">MY TOP 10 THINGS I COULDN'T DO THIS WITHOUT</a>**</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>**</b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" style="text-decoration-line: underline;" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">SELF-CARE! Caring For The Caregiver</span></a><b>**</b></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">**<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;"><b>Finding The Joy</b></span></a>**</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">**</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/09/advocating-for-yourself-your-family-and.html" style="color: blue;">Prioritizing Yourself, Your Marriage, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order</a><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">**</span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">**<b><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2019/03/continuous-traumatic-stress-cts.html" style="color: blue; text-decoration-line: underline;">Handling Continuous Traumatic Stress(CTS) - When Your PTSD is Not Post/Past Yet</a>*</b>*</span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">**<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/09/how-we-keep-our-marriage-strong.html" style="color: blue; text-decoration-line: underline;">Marriage - Keeping it together</a>**</span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">**<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/giving-cpr-faith.html" style="color: blue; font-weight: bold; text-decoration-line: underline;">You Haven't Failed!!</a>**</span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">**<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/04/but-my-child-needs-me.html" style="color: blue; text-decoration-line: underline;">Giving Until There's Nothing Left (But My Child NEEDS Me!</a><span style="color: blue;">)</span>**</span></div>
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</div></div>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-87572199229388969362019-05-31T22:24:00.007-05:002023-10-25T17:47:37.864-05:00Jail and Prison - Foster Care and Mental Illness Statistics.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTgpGQn-NH0f6f_g6gECeyrGLwIpbrG-h1qxvuOJ2XHAmQBJbxTetOcskC79a14tDosoCVj6TxbxHpZMwC1TBCwPegtKan_D44e9uURxLpiaQR_Sfb4hWSP6R3renEI4v0kHIqKEfLZl0b/s1600/bear+in+jail.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="798" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTgpGQn-NH0f6f_g6gECeyrGLwIpbrG-h1qxvuOJ2XHAmQBJbxTetOcskC79a14tDosoCVj6TxbxHpZMwC1TBCwPegtKan_D44e9uURxLpiaQR_Sfb4hWSP6R3renEI4v0kHIqKEfLZl0b/s320/bear+in+jail.jpg" width="249" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b>My Child Has Committed A Crime - Now What?</b></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">First, you have to decide, when does it stop? How many hours do you take away from everything else to devote to keeping this child out of jail, safe, and/or with a place to sleep? What if this isn't the first (or the 50th!) time you've had to find her a new place, paid for groceries, or he's asked you for bail money?<a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/03/at-what-point-do-you-let-go.html" target="_blank">[<b>At What Point Do You Let Go?</b></a><b> <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2018/03/detachment-parenting-including.html" target="_blank">Detachment Parenting An Adult Child</a></b>]</span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Only you can decide what you're willing to do (and it's OK to make changes to that in the future!)</span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/09/advocating-for-yourself-your-family-and.html" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">Prioritizing Yourself, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order!</a><br /><br /><b><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Prevention</span></b></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Structure</b></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">If your child is like mine, he/she needs a LOT of structure. <b><i>{<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/02/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" target="_blank">Structure and Caring Support</a>}</i></b> There are only so many places our kids can get that structure once that child legally becomes an adult. </span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">We looked at a couple of options but unfortunately, my son didn't qualify for either:</span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>1. Military</b></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">People with current mood disorders or a history of serious mental illness cannot serve. Recruiters have allegedly lied to my son and said he was eligible (to meet their enrollment quotas?) but it is more likely that he lied to them about his diagnoses.</span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 16px;">How do you know whether your child may have a disqualifying condition? The U.S. Department of Defense has a directive called the Criteria and Procedure Requirements for </span><a data-component="link" data-ordinal="1" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="externalLink" href="http://www.esd.whs.mil/Portals/54/Documents/DD/issuances/dodi/613003p.pdf" rel="nofollow noopener" style="background: 0px 0px rgb(255, 255, 255); box-sizing: inherit; color: #0188b5; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; transition: color 0.15s ease-out 0s; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">Physical Standards for Appointment, Enlistment, or Induction in the Armed Forces</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 16px;"> which provides a detailed list of what mental health conditions prevent a person from being in the armed services.</span></span><br />
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<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial;">current diagnosis or a history of a mental disorder with psychotic features, such as schizophrenia or a delusional disorder</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">bipolar disorder or affective psychoses</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">depressive disorders (for example, major depressive disorder), disqualification from the service will occur if a person had outpatient care that lasted for more than 24 months or any inpatient care. A person with a depressive disorder must be "stable" without treatment for a continuous 36 months to be eligible.</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">anxiety disorders (for example, panic disorder), a person cannot enter the armed services if he or she needs any inpatient care or outpatient care for more than 12 months cumulatively. A person must not have needed any treatment for their anxiety disorder in the past 36 months.</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">history of obsessive-compulsive disorder or post-traumatic stress disorder</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">history of or current dissociative, conversion, or factitious disorder, depersonalization, hypochondriasis, somatoform disorders, or pain disorder related to psychological factors or a somatoform disorder</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">history of an adjustment disorder within the last three months or recurrent episodes of adjustment disorder</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">history of or current psychosexual condition like voyeurism or exhibitionism</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">history of or current alcohol or drug abuse or dependence</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">history of attempted suicide or suicidal behavior</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">disturbances of conduct, impulse control disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, or other personality or behavior disorders characterized by frequent encounters with law enforcement agencies, and antisocial attitudes or behavior are other mental health problems that warrant disqualification from the service</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">personality, conduct, or behavior disorder that is believed to serve as a serious interference to adjusting to the military</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">other causes for disqualification include (but not limited to) a history of anorexia or bulimia, a history of encopresis (soiling your underwear) after the age of 13, or a history of an expressive or receptive language delay<br />[<a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/mental-illnesses-serve-us-military-3973352" style="font-size: 16px;" target="_blank">Can Those With Mental Illness Serve In The US Military?</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 16px;">}</span></span></li>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /><b>2. <a href="https://www.jobcorps.gov/" target="_blank">Job Corps</a></b></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Job Corps is a program administered by the United States Department of Labor that offers free-of-charge education and vocational training to young men and women ages 16 to 24.</span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Unfortunately, Job Corps has a strict student conduct policy. Violence and drug and alcohol use are strictly prohibited. This may rule out many kids with trauma issues, mental illnesses, aggression, criminal history...</span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">You may NOT be eligible for Job Corps if you:</span><br />
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<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">Use drugs illegally under federal law</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">Exhibit behavioral problems that could prevent you or others from success in Job Corps</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">Have certain criminal convictions or require court supervision</span></li>
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<b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red;">Helping Your Child Support Him/Herself?</span></b><br />
<b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Supplemental Security Income (SSI)</span></b><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Many people with a serious mental illness live on Supplemental Security Income (SSI), which averages just 18% of the median income but can allow your child to live more independently. It includes Medicaid, which can get your child most, if not all, of the health services and medications that he/she needs. <b><i>{<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/10/applying-for-ssi-for-your-adult-child.html" target="_blank">Getting SSI For Your Adult Child</a>}</i></b></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Living Outside of the Home</b></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">You love your child but having him/ her live with you may not be an option.</span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">So what do you do?</span><br />
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<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">do you try to find a group home or assisted-living place that takes people with your child's disability?</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">do you pay out of pocket?</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">do you take your child to a shelter? </span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">do you give her a bus ticket to wherever she thinks her life will be better (and pray she doesn't get pregnant)? </span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">do you pay for an apartment for him? (not that that's financially an option for us). </span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">do you hand him a tent and a sleeping bag? </span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">do you pay for a hotel room just until...? </span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">do you help them find roommates and a place they can afford?</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">do you bring them groceries?</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">do you co-sign something?</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red;">Finding A Place to Live</span></b><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Your child may run into housing issues after being discharged from an inpatient care unit or jail. Finding him/ her a place to live can be difficult.</span><br />
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<b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Section 8 Housing </span></b><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">This program provides vouchers for people with low incomes to obtain housing in the community. In general, a Section 8 recipient has to pay approximately one-third of her monthly income towards her rent, and the voucher pays for the rest. Many people with special needs who receive Supplemental Security Income (SSI) or Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI) benefits as their sole source of income will likely qualify for Section 8 as well. </span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Section 8 vouchers can allow people with mild or moderate special needs and low incomes to live on their own in the community. However, they're cutting this program back more and more and it usually takes 5 to 10 <u>years</u> to obtain a Section 8 voucher and, once acquired, there may not be any available Section 8 units for rent in the individual's community. Section 8 housing is also not appropriate for people with more complicated special needs who can't live on their own.</span><br />
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<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><b>Section 811 Housing</b><b><br /></b>Through the Section 811 Supportive Housing for Persons with Disabilities program, HUD provides funding to develop and subsidize rental housing with the availability of supportive services for very low- and extremely low-income adults with disabilities.</span></li>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Group Homes</b></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">This type of housing provides the most support for its residents. Trained staff members are present 24/7 to provide care and assistance with things like medication, daily living skills, meals, paying bills, transportation, and treatment management. These group homes provide their residents with their own bed, dresser, and closet space, and shared bathrooms and common areas. This is the best type of housing for people experiencing a serious mental illness which may affect their ability to perform their daily tasks.</span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Residents of group homes usually have a disability, such as autism, intellectual disability, chronic or long-term mental/psychiatric disorder, or physical or even multiple disabilities because those are the non-profit and state-regional organizations that began and operated the homes.</span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">How much does it cost to live in a group home? On average, residential care homes are about half the cost of skilled nursing facilities and less expensive than many assisted living communities. The cost can range from $1500 to $4,500 a month. It will depend on the level of care needed, the quality of the home, the location, and if the room is single or shared.</span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Partially Supervised Group Housing</b></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Some support is provided for the residents, but the staff isn’t there 24 hours a day. The residents can be left alone for several hours and are able to call for help if needed. People who choose to stay in these group homes can perform their daily living tasks independently or semi-independently, help with cooking and cleaning, and may even hold a part-time job or participate in a day program.</span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Supported Housing</b></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Supportive housing provides very limited assistance. The residents of these homes live almost independently and are visited by staff members infrequently. However, they do have someone to call and resources available to them if a problem does arise.</span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Finding a place that takes Medicaid, Medicare, and/or some sort of government program that doesn't require years on a waiting list... </span><br />
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<b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></b></span></div><div><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></b></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Your Child Has Been Incarcerated, Now What?</span></span></b><br />
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</span><blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>"Well, expect to be asked to bail her out. Don’t. </b><i>{Our kids know from day one that we would never bail them out.}</i><br /> </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Expect to be asked for commissary money. Don’t. </b><i>{We decided to give our child commissary money but it was a very minimal amount. You can find out what is already provided by the state (like toiletries). Bear lied because he wanted more than basic quality items and stuff to use for trading.}</i><br /> </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Expect to be asked to pay for a lawyer. Don’t. </b><i>{Warning: If you start down the path of paying for things like lawyers and mental health evaluations, your child can lose his status as indigent/ requiring a public defender and you will be on the hook for everything}.</i><br /> </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Expect to be asked to be a character witness and write a letter to the judge. Don’t.<br /> </b></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Oh, and don’t accept collect phone calls. I learned the hard way it was $2.99 a minute. </b><i>{We did accept collect phone calls (and later started putting money on his phone account) but we set concrete limits on them. Ex. Wednesday nights at 9pm only. Otherwise, he would literally call us 9-10 times a day because he was bored.}</i></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Go to court if you want. For me, it was the only way to find out how you will hear what is actually going on. </b>{I know Bear will not/ cannot tell me the truth.}<b> It’s never our kids' fault.</b><br /> </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>I liked it when my kids were in jail. They were safe, fed, and not homeless.<br /> </b></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Their choices, their consequences! Take care of you!"<br /> </b></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>--A Fellow Trauma Mama.</b></span></span></blockquote>
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<b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><u>Finding Out What's Going On- </u></span></b><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Try Googling/ Internet Searching:</b><br />"{Your state} offender search" - it should bring up your state's Department of Correction website rather than one of those "free" report things that will spam you forever.</span><br />
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<b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><a href="https://www1.odcr.com/" target="_blank">On Demand Court Records</a> (</span></b><a href="https://www1.odcr.com/">https://www1.odcr.com/</a>)<br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">This has a lot of information about why your child was arrested, charges filed, court dates, whether your child appeared in court, if there's a warrant out for your child's arrest, whether or not he/she is currently incarcerated, court costs, judge and attorney's name... I believe this site crosses state boundaries.</span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><u>What Do You Tell The Court?</u></b><br />Obviously, this is up to you and your child. I will warn you that most public defenders/ pro bono attorneys don't want to spend a lot of time on each case. It was almost impossible for us to get info to my son's attorney.<br /><br /><b>Mental Health Court</b><br />As long as your child did not commit a violent crime, he/ she may be eligible for Mental Health Court. I don't know a lot about this because it wasn't something we were able to get our son into. </span></span></div><div>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/03/at-what-point-do-you-let-go.html" target="_blank">At What Point Do You Let Go?</a></span></b><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Many of my friends are struggling with children who are chronologically on the cusp of adulthood, but do not have the skills needed to be successful... in fact, most of their kids are determinedly on a rapid, self-destructive path.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaf4c3ZXig5Krv-LdNtguh1o_GcnnFK1Dgx0kFPBSB2aUyPPZ1ZUdgYKtuqwSNpbPktQ_h6Q-Groib-HUsDW5KjnQ3TEdPDOfwccobD_faAshcRVKF-dSDbQ97uN3EMJv_P1deQh_0GrBU/s1600/bear+drowning+image.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><img border="0" data-original-height="235" data-original-width="215" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaf4c3ZXig5Krv-LdNtguh1o_GcnnFK1Dgx0kFPBSB2aUyPPZ1ZUdgYKtuqwSNpbPktQ_h6Q-Groib-HUsDW5KjnQ3TEdPDOfwccobD_faAshcRVKF-dSDbQ97uN3EMJv_P1deQh_0GrBU/s1600/bear+drowning+image.jpg" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">It sometimes felt like I was in the middle of the ocean holding my son like a lifeguard. We did everything we could to teach my son to "swim," and he just couldn't learn. For as long as I held him up, he hated me, was actively fighting me, and was absolutely convinced he could do it all on his own. </span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I knew his struggles could drown me and they almost did many times.</span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I knew that the minute I let go, he would flounder for a little while, but inevitably, he would sink to the bottom of the ocean. </span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">How do you let go, knowing your child will most likely drown? At the same time, I knew I could not hold him forever. At what point do I let go?</span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I got some excellent advice from a fellow trauma mama: </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><i>The fact of the matter is this - Bear is going to drown no matter how much you do for him. The only difference is that you are going to drown right along with him if you continue doing the things you're doing. He is very clear that he doesn't want your help. He is even making things worse in his zeal to get you off his back. As long as you are giving help and advice, he is convincing himself that he knows better, is smarter and can handle it all himself - and hating you for it. What's wrong with letting him know that you are going to step back and let him handle things, but that if he needs your assistance with meds (or whatever you decide the boundaries to be) that you are willing to help in any way you know how - but only if he asks. Maybe after a few months, he will concede that things aren't going as smoothly as he thinks.</i></b></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><i>His perception of how he's taken care of himself all this time on his own is only a small indicator of his distorted thinking. The one thing I've learned (the hard way over and over) is that their reality doesn't really have to be based on the facts, and when it isn't, there is no reasoning with them. I know it is so painful to watch, but this is real life and unless you have guardianship (and lots of times even when you do), he is legally able to make his own decisions - which he's been doing. YOU are doing all the work on improving his life and he's fighting you every step of the way. Let your husband field the phone calls and advocate for him - I think he will find out quickly that helping Bear isn't as easy as it may seem.</i></b></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2018/03/detachment-parenting-including.html" target="_blank">Detachment Parenting</a></span></b></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">When I first heard of detachment parenting, it sounded like heaven to my burned-out, PTSD-suffering, guilt-ridden self. I'd been trying to parent my attachment-challenged children the way society told me I should, the same way I parented my neuro-typical, totally attached bio-kids - nurturing, child-focused, self-sacrificing... and it was killing me! <b>{</b></span></span><b style="color: #222222; font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2018/03/detachment-parenting-including.html" target="_blank">Detachment Parenting</a>, </span></b><b style="color: #222222; font-family: arial;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/04/but-my-child-needs-me.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Giving Until There's Nothing Left - But My Child NEEDS Me!</a>}</b></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #222222;">I see D</span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #222222;">etachment Parenting as a small step beyond all of that. A step I desperately needed. A way to validate not feeling guilty for not prioritizing my child's needs over everything else - even though I knew my child would most likely fail without my constant intervention (and remember that my child would most likely fall whether I was there or not). </span><b style="color: #222222;"><i>{<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/giving-cpr-faith.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">You Have Not Failed</a>}</i></b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> </span></span></div>
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<b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><i><span style="font-family: arial;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/09/advocating-for-yourself-your-family-and.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Prioritizing Yourself, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order</a>! </span></i></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I had to prioritize my life differently in an effort to function again - to </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">get a thicker skin about ignoring other's expectations and "shoulds", and stop being reactive or even proactive about my child. </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I needed to parent my attachment-challenged child calmly and with perspective about the needs of my family and myself.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I realized I needed to focus on myself (especially healing my PTSD and building my reserves up so I had enough to give again.), my husband, my family as a whole, focus on the other kids (not just the squeakiest wheels), and only then on the child that I couldn't heal. </span><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"></span></b></span></div>
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<b style="font-size: x-large;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">I know it sounds impossible, but <span style="color: red;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;">SELF-CARE</span> </a></span>has to be your first priority!</span></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiua4Yw4KmW4tHmjX-xIpr2dTOXeZGyzi4rDDq8gJq03NWzmMZCr_vRCSZgXMawqV4kh0VfqPRGej2cGv2DOhXSGeY0rO94UaVDaRwrynIXrK3djOVHT9Rw37gtTX1BimvQH-ugyA5qFXFT/s1600/empty+cup.jpg" style="color: #0b5394; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><img border="0" data-original-height="538" data-original-width="720" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiua4Yw4KmW4tHmjX-xIpr2dTOXeZGyzi4rDDq8gJq03NWzmMZCr_vRCSZgXMawqV4kh0VfqPRGej2cGv2DOhXSGeY0rO94UaVDaRwrynIXrK3djOVHT9Rw37gtTX1BimvQH-ugyA5qFXFT/s320/empty+cup.jpg" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 1px solid rgb(238, 238, 238); box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.1) 1px 1px 5px; padding: 5px; position: relative;" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span><b style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/04/but-my-child-needs-me.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: medium;">But My Child NEEDS Me!</span></a><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></b></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">When my kids first got here, I was empathetic, calm and patient with them- maybe TOO patient. I stuffed things down, let it roll off my back, and GAVE and GAVE and GAVE... until there was nothing left. Nothing left for my child, for my family and most of all, for my self. I was so burned out and overwhelmed that we were all miserable.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br />You can't help anyone if you're so emotionally drained that there's nothing left. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I once heard a house parent in a residential treatment center for emotionally disturbed girls tell a teen that she was a "bottomless pit of need." At the time, I thought he was a horrible person. Now I get it. If we drain our emotional reserves trying to fill a child who can't be filled, then we're empty. You can't fill from an empty cup. Our kids need a different type of parenting and society's "shoulds" can suck it! {</span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><i><u><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Finding The Joy</a>} </u></i></b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></span><br />
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<b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">Boundaries</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">One thing that really helped me with setting boundaries with </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">all</i><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> of my teens (even my neurotypical biokids), was one of my favorite books,</span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/02/books-and-methods-review-stop-walking.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank"><b>Stop Walking on Eggshells</b></a><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">. I still reread it often. It helped me with </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">setting boundaries for my children and for myself too.</span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;"></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #222222; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/giving-cpr-faith.html" target="_blank">You Have Not Failed</a></b></span></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Not only did I need to grieve that my children didn't have the life I'd hoped for them, but I had to acknowledge it was not my fault. I did everything I reasonably could. Often more than I should.</span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br />Yet one of my children did not heal.<br /><br />Deep down, I felt guilty about this. Especially because I knew I had never really emotionally bonded to this child. In fact, I don't like to be around him. As a mother, especially as an adoptive parent, I was supposed to feel nurturing and loving toward this child, right? What kind of mother am I?</span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I had to acknowledge that not feeling nurturing and loving toward my abuser (and yes, that is what he was) is perfectly understandable. Yes, he was a child who did not always have control over his actions. That does not change the fact that it hurt and scared me when he lashed out at me and my family. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNxOiLqtmp2C5eGdX3gdFISebTN8tP8zK8mnciJjrUN7AqJw0bbMTQ-VpqhoMimabGhID260DQ5XCEdVEGhua6k99hyphenhyphenQbjwk0nCdC5BoIj1L19AGTwYbFE3upTpKLP_lGGs2iPS5CrlX-f/s1600/LeavingAbuser.jpg" style="color: #0b5394; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><img border="0" data-original-height="755" data-original-width="550" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNxOiLqtmp2C5eGdX3gdFISebTN8tP8zK8mnciJjrUN7AqJw0bbMTQ-VpqhoMimabGhID260DQ5XCEdVEGhua6k99hyphenhyphenQbjwk0nCdC5BoIj1L19AGTwYbFE3upTpKLP_lGGs2iPS5CrlX-f/s320/LeavingAbuser.jpg" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 1px solid rgb(238, 238, 238); box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.1) 1px 1px 5px; padding: 5px; position: relative;" width="233" /></span></a></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><b>If my spouse had treated me the way my son did, everyone would criticize me for not leaving my husband. Because my abuser was my child, everyone told me I could <i>not </i>leave and, in fact, I was <u>shamed</u> for not being more loving and nurturing. </b></span></blockquote>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Here are some of the posts that helped me through this - </span></span></div>
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<b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/giving-cpr-faith.html" style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: arial;">You Have Not Failed</span></a></b></div>
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<b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/09/advocating-for-yourself-your-family-and.html" target="_blank"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">Prioritizing Yourself, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order!</span></a></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2018/03/detachment-parenting-including.html" style="color: #0b5394;">Detachment Parenting An Adult Child</a></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" style="color: #5dc2c0; font-size: 12pt;"><b><span style="color: blue; font-family: arial;">Self-Care - Caring For The Caregiver</span></b></a></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/03/at-what-point-do-you-let-go.html" style="color: #0b5394;">At What Point Do You Let Go?</a></span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/therapeutically-parenting-adult-child.html" style="color: #0b5394;">Therape</a></b><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/therapeutically-parenting-adult-child.html" style="color: #0b5394;">utically Parenting the "Adult" Child</a></b></span></div>
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<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/10/seeing-forest-for-trees.html" style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: arial;">18 Is Not The Finish Line</span></a></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: black; font-family: arial;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" target="_blank">Finding the Joy</a><br /><br /></b></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u><b>LIVING AT HOME</b><br /><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/boarder-agreement.html" style="color: #0b5394;">Boarder Agreement</a></b></u></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2018/04/when-adult-child-moves-out.html" style="color: #0b5394;">When an Adult Child Moves Out</a></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/01/adult-boarder-vs-family-girl.html" style="color: #0b5394;"><b>Adult" Boarder vs Family Girl</b></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/simple-rules-for-adult-children-living.html" style="color: #0b5394;">Simple Rules For Adult Children Living At Home</a><br /></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><b>Our Son's Incarceration</b></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/bear-behind-bars.html" target="_blank">Bear Behind Bars</a><br /><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/is-that-legal.html" target="_blank">Is That Legal?</a><br /><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/we-heard-from-bear-onthursday.html" target="_blank">Getting Bear Services</a></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/bear-is-still-struggling.html" target="_blank">Bear is Still Struggling</a><br /><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/02/bear-update.html" target="_blank">Bear and Biodad</a><br /><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/07/update.html" target="_blank">Biodad's Death</a></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/09/bears-trial-prayer-request.html" target="_blank">Bear's Trial - Prayer Request</a><br /><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/09/bears-trial-part-1-and-ssi-question.html" target="_blank">Bear's Trial - Part 1 and SSI Question</a></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/03/late-bear-update.html" target="_blank">Latest Bear Update</a><br /><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/11/lsi-invoice.html" target="_blank">Mental Health Assessment Invoice</a></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/07/the-prodigal-son-returning.html" target="_blank">The Prodigal Son Returning?</a><br /><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/01/bear-update.html" target="_blank">Update - Bear In Prison</a><br /><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/why-does-he-do-this.html" target="_blank">Communication with the Outside</a><br /><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/12/letter-to-bear-in-prison.html" target="_blank">Letter to Bear in Prison</a><br /><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/02/bears-not-getting-out-soon.html" target="_blank">Bear's Not Getting Out Soon</a></span></div>
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<div><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b></span></div><div>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">THE SAD STATISTICS</span></b><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red; font-family: arial; font-size: large;">Almost 80% of inmates incarcerated in our prisons have spent time in foster care.</span></b></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><b><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"> </span></b><b><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">45% to 75% of inmates are mentally ill.</span></b> </span></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Foster Care Statistics</b></span> - <a href="http://www.fostercare2.org/ask-the-pros-2" target="_blank">Unacceptable Facts and Stories</a> </span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">40-50% of former foster youth become homeless within 18 months after leaving care.</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">60% of youth earn incomes below the poverty line.</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">65% of children in foster care experience seven or more school changes from elementary to high school.</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Only 1-3% graduate from college.</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">25% of foster youth will be in prison within two years of emancipation. </span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red; font-family: arial; font-size: large;">Four of five (80 percent) young women become pregnant too soon.</span></b></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Kids who've been in foster care are diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) at <u>six times</u> the general population and double the rate of veterans returning from war.</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Eight of ten (81 percent) males have been arrested </b>compared to 17 percent of their peers who were not in foster care.</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/evidence-and-research/learn-more-about/3695" target="_blank">Serious Mental Illness Prevalence in Jails and Prisons</a></span></b><br /><b><br /></b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>In state prisons, 73 percent of women and 55 of men have at least one mental health problem </b><b>In federal prisons, 61 percent of women and 44 percent of men </b><b>In local jails, 75 percent of women and 63 percent of men</b></span><br /></span><div><b><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></b></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><b>Serious mental illness has become so prevalent that jails and prisons are now commonly called “the new asylums.”</b></span> </span></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">In point of fact, the Los Angeles County Jail, Chicago’s Cook County Jail, or New York’s Riker’s Island Jail each hold more mentally ill inmates than any remaining psychiatric hospital in the United States. Overall,<b> </b></span><br /><b><br /></b><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red; font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><b>Approximately 20% of inmates in jails and 15% of inmates in state prisons are now estimated to have a serious mental illness</b>. </span></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Based on the total inmate population, this means approximately 383,000 individuals with severe psychiatric disease were behind bars in the United States in 2014 or nearly 10 times the number of patients remaining in the nation’s state hospitals. <b>The number of severely mentally ill individuals behind bars is <u>10 times</u> the number of patients in state hospitals. </b></span><br /><b><br /></b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><b>Mentally ill inmates remain in jail longer than other inmates. </b><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">In Florida’s Orange County Jail, the average stay for all inmates is 26 days; for mentally ill inmates, it is 51 days. In New York’s Riker’s Island, the average stay for all inmates is 42 days; for mentally ill inmates, it is 215 days (over 5 times longer!)</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red; font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><b>The average stay for mentally ill prison inmates is 5 times longer than other inmates.</b></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">The main reason mentally ill inmates are incarcerated longer than other prisoners is that <u>many find it difficult to understand and follow jail and prison rules</u>. In one study, jail inmates were twice as likely (19% versus 9%) to be charged with facility rule violations. In another study, in Washington state prisons, mentally ill inmates accounted for 41% of infractions even though they constituted only 19% of the prison population. </span><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Mentally ill inmates are incarcerated longer because they find it difficult to understand and follow the rules.</span></b></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Additionally, pretrial inmates with serious mental illness experience longer incarcerations than other inmates in many states if they require an evaluation or restoration of competency to stand trial. A survey of state hospital officials in 2015 found that 78% of the 40 responding states were wait-listing pretrial inmates for hospital services. The waits were “in the 30-day range” in most states, but three states reported forensic bed waits of six months to one year. Mentally ill inmates in some states are reported to spend more time waiting for competency restoration so they can be tried than they would spend behind bars convicted of the offense for which they have been charged.</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red; font-family: arial; font-size: large;">Pretrial inmates with a serious mental illness might have to wait for one month up to one year for hospital services; many wait longer to be evaluated than they would spend behind bars convicted of the offense for which they have been charged.</span></b></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><b>Mentally ill inmates create behavioral management problems that result in their isolation. </b><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Because of their impaired thinking, many inmates with serious mental illnesses present behavioral management problems. This is a contributing factor to their heavy over-representation in the subset of prisoners in solitary confinement. In Wisconsin, for example, a 2010 audit of three state prisons reported that</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red; font-family: arial; font-size: large;"> “<u>between 55% and 76% of inmates in segregation [isolation] are mentally ill</u>."</span></b></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><br /></b></span></div>Solitary Confinement (Isolation)</b><br /><b><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/almost-addicted/201801/solitary-confinement-torture-pure-and-simple" target="_blank"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Solitary Confinement: Torture, Pure and Simple</span></a></b><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">The practice of placing incarcerated individuals in solitary confinement dates back to the 1820s in America when it was thought that isolating individuals in prison would help with their rehabilitation. Yet, over the past two centuries, it has become clear that locking people away for 22 to 24 hours a day is anything but rehabilitative. </span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red; font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><b>Solitary confinement is so egregious a punishment that in 2011, the U.N. Special Rapporteur on Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment condemned its use, except in exceptional circumstances and for as short a time as possible, and banned the practice completely for people with mental illnesses and for juveniles.</b></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Despite its barbarity, the United States continues to place thousands of people, including individuals with mental illnesses and children, in solitary confinement, <u>sometimes for decades</u>. </span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">There are more than 80,000 men, women, and children in solitary confinement in prisons across the United States, according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics.</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Note that that figure is at least a decade old and doesn’t include people in jails, juvenile facilities, and immigrant detention centers. Nearly every state uses some form of solitary confinement, but there’s no federal reporting system that tracks how many people are isolated at any given time.</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Prisoners are often confined for months or even years, with some spending more than 25 years in segregated prison settings. As with the overall prison population, people of color are disproportionately represented in isolation units. [<a href="https://www.afsc.org/resource/solitary-confinement-facts" target="_blank">Solitary Confinement Facts</a>]</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red; font-family: arial; font-size: large;">Solitary confinement often exacerbates existing psychiatric conditions and not infrequently leads to suicide. </span></b></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">In Texas, for example, suicide rates for those in solitary confinement are five times higher than that of the general prison community.</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><b>Mentally ill inmates are more likely to commit suicide. </b><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Suicide is the leading cause of death in correctional facilities, and multiple studies indicate as many as half of all inmate suicides are committed by the estimated 15 % to 20% of inmates with serious mental illness. A 2002 study in the state of Washington found that “the prevalence of mental illness among inmates who attempted suicide was 77%, compared with 15% [among inmates] in the general jail population.” In California in 2002, the Los Angeles Times headlined: “Jail Suicides Reach Record Pace in State,” and added: “Some experts blame the recent surge on forcing more of the mentally ill behind bars.”</span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><b><a href="https://www.pbs.org/newshour/health/numbers-mental-illness-behind-bars" target="_blank"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">By the Numbers: Mental Illness Behind Bars</span></a></b><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b><span style="font-family: arial;">“We’ve, frankly, criminalized the mentally ill, and used local jails as de facto mental health institutions,” said Alex Briscoe, the health director for Alameda County in northern California.</span></b></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><b>Mentally Ill Women in the System</b><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">The statistics paint a stark picture, with mental illness affecting a greater percentage of jailed women than men:</span><br /><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><b>In state prisons, 73 percent of women and 55 of men have at least one mental health problem</b><b>In federal prisons, 61 percent of women and 44 percent of men</b><b>In local jails, 75 percent of women and 63 percent of men</b></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><br /></b></span></div>Jailhouse Fights</b><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"> Inmates with mental illness are much more likely to be injured in prison fights. The Department of Justice reported that 20 percent of inmates with mental illness were injured in jailhouse fights compared to 10 percent of inmates without mental illness. In local jails, inmates with mental illness are three times as likely to be injured.</span><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red; font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><b>Jail and prison are particularly bad places to be mentally ill. Men and women with behavioral disorders and mental illness end up in stressful prison environments — many are put in seclusion for long stretches of time — that further exacerbate their conditions, researchers say. </b></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b>Homelessness</b></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">It is estimated that 20–25% of homeless people, compared with 6% of the non-homeless, have severe mental illness. Others estimate that up to one-third of the homeless suffer from mental illness. </span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Studies have also found that there is a correlation between homelessness and incarceration. Those with mental illness or substance abuse problems were found to be incarcerated at a higher frequency than the general population. </span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Fischer and Breakey have identified the chronically mentally ill as one of the four main subtypes of homeless persons; the others being the street people, chronic alcoholics, and the situationally distressed.</span><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
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marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-41589157822008347462019-03-09T22:12:00.002-06:002019-06-24T01:55:06.201-05:00Continuous Traumatic Stress (CTS)<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img alt="Image result for abused parent" height="320" src="https://media.defense.gov/2013/Oct/23/2000902170/-1/-1/0/131017-F-HK400-001.JPG" width="400" /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We call ourselves Trauma Mamas (and Trauma Papas). We live with our abusers and care for them on a daily basis. Unlike other battered women, we are not encouraged to leave. Instead, we are told we have to stay. We're told that we *should* devote all of our time and energy to this child. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>{Fighting the *shoulds* - <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/09/advocating-for-yourself-your-family-and.html" target="_blank">Prioritizing Yourself, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order!</a>}</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Our house often feels like a war zone. The stress feels like it never ends and even becomes our<b> new normal</b>. It affects our bodies, our minds, our relationships.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i>{Not coincidentally, our kids with <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/02/ptsd-in-older-child-adoption.html" target="_blank">Chronic Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)</a> often perceive chaos as normal and their bodies can become "addicted" to the stress hormones, to such an extent that they attempt to recreate the chaos in their everyday life with us. <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?</a>}</i></b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Continuous Traumatic Stress</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><b>It's not<i> Post-</i>Traumatic Stress Disorder if you're still living it.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Back in the 1980s, mental health professionals dealing with victims of political repression in South Africa found that the usual treatment for PTSD provided little help for people living in fear that the victimization could happen again at any time. </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">CTS - Not a Disorder</span></b></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">People experiencing continuous stressful environments might be formally diagnosed with C-PTSD* or DTD**. </span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Although many people experiencing these kinds of repeated traumas will have enough resilience to avoid developing full-blown trauma symptoms, coping with CTS often depends on how or where the trauma takes place. This includes war zones where the threat of physical attack remains very real and a state of “permanent emergency” exists. </span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/media-spotlight/201305/when-the-trauma-doesnt-end"><span style="color: blue;">When the Trauma Doesn't End</span><span style="color: blue;"> </span></a></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">How can people learn to live with chronic traumatic stress? by Romeo Vitelli Ph.D. Posted May 29, 2013</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span> </span></blockquote>
<i style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I think we can safely include parents of children with severe trauma, aggression, violent tendencies, and other disorders among those dealing with CTS on a daily basis.</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>CTS in Parents/ Caregivers</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The following article refers to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, <span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white;">but I believe you'll agree that the more accurate term is Continuous Traumatic Stress. "Post" implies that the traumatic event(s) are over.</span></span></span></span><br />
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<a href="http://www.come-over.to/FAS/RADparentsPSTD.htm" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">PTSD in Parents of Kids with RAD</span></b></a><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVgc60BGP9UZEb2fOvXPHRSLELxKz_xDKzq3IgRiJVtYi2hIrKyRX3bhs1SVuJGYMDa4CPWilKjW1g8gY0WgbIrgctJtvcgkMJtNfNHZ3SK9EjjsL6js0a7lDDCGbkgd8kAS77wF9_PWxB/s1600/cat+stress+scared.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="269" data-original-width="145" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVgc60BGP9UZEb2fOvXPHRSLELxKz_xDKzq3IgRiJVtYi2hIrKyRX3bhs1SVuJGYMDa4CPWilKjW1g8gY0WgbIrgctJtvcgkMJtNfNHZ3SK9EjjsL6js0a7lDDCGbkgd8kAS77wF9_PWxB/s1600/cat+stress+scared.jpg" /></a></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Many foster and adoptive families of Reactive Attachment Disordered children live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles were expected, after all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems.</span></blockquote>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTiY_1_z_l7tPakP38VnOMpb9oPy8x-0vjW_OmirLn8DJzafgDzKqOOe1SM-qW9Zg6jtlGKmNDjsi_pw5CYZI9wtLUUqlO-Nt_KsDWui22D6LX0qN8QrNkAskvK3CojmaQfy2wr6MrndJn/s1600/dramatickid_stayathomer_com.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="183" data-original-width="276" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTiY_1_z_l7tPakP38VnOMpb9oPy8x-0vjW_OmirLn8DJzafgDzKqOOe1SM-qW9Zg6jtlGKmNDjsi_pw5CYZI9wtLUUqlO-Nt_KsDWui22D6LX0qN8QrNkAskvK3CojmaQfy2wr6MrndJn/s320/dramatickid_stayathomer_com.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life. An emotionally unhealthy way of life. We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us? <b><i>{<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/01/my-child-is-raging.html" target="_blank">Handling Rages</a>}</i></b></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In war, the battle lines are drawn; an antagonism exists between two enemies. In our homes, we are not drawing battle lines; we are not prepared for war. We are prepared for parenting. Consequently, the ongoing stress can result in disastrous affects on our well-being literally causing our emotional and physical health to deteriorate.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>The primary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder include:</b></span><br />
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Avoidance </b>-- refusing to recognize the thoughts and feelings associated with the trauma, this further includes avoiding activities, individuals, and places associated with the trauma.</span></li>
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Intense distress </b>-- when certain cues or "triggers" set off memories of the traumatic event. You may have trouble concentrating, along with feelings of irritability, and frustration over trivial events that never bothered you in the past.</span></li>
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Nightmares and flashbacks</b> -- insomnia or oversleeping may occur. You may exhibit symptoms such as heightened alertness and startle easily.</span></li>
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>A loss of interest in your life</b> -- detaching yourself from loved ones. Losing all hope for the future and a lack of loving feelings.</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Secondary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can include:</span><br />
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>The realization that you are no longer the person you once were</b>. Relationships have changed by alienating yourself from loved ones. Loneliness and a feeling of helplessness prevail in your daily life.</span></li>
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Depression</b>, which can lead to a negative self-image, lowered self-esteem, along with feeling out of control of your life and environment. You may become a workaholic and physical problems may develop.</span></li>
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>You become overly cautious and insecure</b>. Angry outbursts may occur putting stress on significant relationships.</span></li>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Stress</span> - Fight-or-Flight </span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Your body perceives stress like an attack (think of our ancestors being attacked by a tiger) and reacts with an instinctual fight or flight response. This feeling prompts your adrenal glands to release a surge of hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">To fight the "tiger," adrenaline increases your heart rate, elevates your blood pressure, and boosts energy supplies. Cortisol, the primary stress hormone, increases sugars (glucose) in the bloodstream, enhances your brain's use of glucose and increases the availability of substances that repair tissues.</span></span><br />
<a href="https://rebuildingwellness.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/Stress-Tiger-e1426537407320.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img alt="Image result for stress tiger" border="0" src="https://rebuildingwellness.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/Stress-Tiger-e1426537407320.jpg" /></span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Cortisol also curbs functions that would be nonessential or detrimental in a fight-or-flight situation. It alters immune system responses and suppresses the digestive system, the reproductive system, and growth processes. This complex natural alarm system also communicates with regions of your brain that control mood, motivation, and fear.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">When the natural stress response goes haywire</span></b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The body's stress-response system is usually self-limiting. Once a perceived threat has passed, hormone levels return to normal. As adrenaline and cortisol levels drop, your heart rate and blood pressure return to baseline levels and other systems resume their regular activities.<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But when stressors are always present and you constantly feel under attack, that fight-or-flight reaction stays turned on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The long-term activation of the stress-response system — and the subsequent overexposure to cortisol and other stress hormones — can disrupt almost all your body's processes. <b style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><a href="https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress/art-20046037" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">Stress Management - Mayo Clinic </span></a></b></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"[C]hronic stress can be debilitating and overwhelming. It can affect both our physical and psychological well-being by causing a variety of problems including anxiety, insomnia, muscle pain, high blood pressure, and a weakened immune system. </span></span></b></blockquote>
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<b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Research shows that stress can contribute to the development of major illnesses, such as heart disease, depression, and obesity. The consequences of chronic stress are serious." <a href="http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/chronic-stress.aspx" target="_blank">Chronic Stress- American Psychological Association</a></span></span></b></blockquote>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLEoycs80psEjT2MTfFXtiShIHlz1dwmWsmPZo2GB0vCrIrMSVSBIKifKQGbIosEU9gADPrlWsmqzpG6DO3xv2vVkvinZWcMUX7vwchCzUs1LTdpey3dYHb_Xn6-am2h_1aeDYzqcgG5s1/s1600/brain+on+c_ptsd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="634" data-original-width="535" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLEoycs80psEjT2MTfFXtiShIHlz1dwmWsmPZo2GB0vCrIrMSVSBIKifKQGbIosEU9gADPrlWsmqzpG6DO3xv2vVkvinZWcMUX7vwchCzUs1LTdpey3dYHb_Xn6-am2h_1aeDYzqcgG5s1/s320/brain+on+c_ptsd.jpg" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 1px solid rgb(238, 238, 238); box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.1) 1px 1px 5px; padding: 5px; position: relative;" width="270" /></span></a></div>
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<b style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">*Complex PTSD (C-PTSD)</span></b></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Though CTS is not considered a disorder in itself, a new diagnosis has been suggested to take continuous traumatic stress into account: Complex PTSD (C-PTSD). </span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Judith Herman, author of Trauma and Recovery (1992), suggested people dealing with child physical abuse, intimate partner violence, women trapped in sexual slavery and other people experiencing long-term stress often showed symptoms very different from people experiencing single-event traumas. As a result, they can often become passive and withdrawn (due to learned helplessness), or develop highly unstable personalities. This could lead to dangerous repetitive behaviours such as becoming involved with violent partners, repeated self-harm attempts, or chronic substance abuse. </span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"></span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Though not part of the new DSM-5, suggested C-PTSD symptoms in adults include:</span></span><br />
<ul><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><b>Difficulties regulating emotions</b>, including symptoms such as persistent sadness, suicidal thoughts, explosive anger, or covert anger</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><b>Variations in consciousness</b>, such as forgetting traumatic events (i.e., psychogenic amnesia), reliving traumatic events, or having episodes of dissociation (during which one feels detached from one's mental processes or body).</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><b>Changes in self-perception</b>, such as a chronic and pervasive sense of helplessness, shame, guilt, stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> <b> </b></span></span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><b>Varied changes in their perception of the perpetrator</b>, such as attributing total power to the perpetrator or becoming preoccupied with their relationship to the perpetrator, including a preoccupation with revenge.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><b>Alterations in relations with others</b>, including isolation, distrust, or a repeated search for a rescuer.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> <b> </b></span></span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><b>Loss of, or changes in, one's system of meanings</b>, which may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.</span></span></li>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>**Developmental Trauma Disorder (DTD)</i></span></b></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Since C-PTSD does not adequately reflect the kind of developmental impact seen in children, clinicians have suggested an alternative diagnosis, Developmental Trauma Disorder (DTD).</span></i></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Symptoms for children are similar but also include:</i></span></span></blockquote>
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<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">behavioural</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"> problems,</span></i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><i>poor impulse control,</i></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><i>pathological self-soothing (through dysfunctional coping mechanism such as self-cutting), and</i></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><i>sleep problems.</i></span> </span><span><i><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span></i></span></span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/media-spotlight/201305/when-the-trauma-doesnt-end"><span style="color: blue;">When the Trauma Doesn't End</span><span style="color: blue;"> </span></a></b>How can people learn to live with chronic traumatic stress? by Romeo Vitelli Ph.D. Posted May 29, 2013</span></blockquote>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> More about </span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/02/ptsd-in-older-child-adoption.html" target="_blank">PTSD/ C-PTSD/ DTD in Children</a></span></span></span></span></i></b></div>
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<b style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Treatment of CTS</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img alt="Image result for hypervigilance" height="320" src="https://www.ptsduk.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/It-takes-a-great-deal-of-energy-to-remain-300x300@2x.jpg" width="320" /></span></div>
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Living with CTS</span> </span></b></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">So what do classic PTSD symptoms such as flashbacks, nightmares, hypervigilance and the startle response mean for people who are afraid of being re-victimized? People experiencing CTS are usually more preoccupied with the possibility of future traumatic events than by what happened to them in the past. </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">For them, staying vigilant is a healthy way of responding to what they must face although they need to learn to tell the difference between realistic vs. imagined threats to their safety.</span> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/media-spotlight/201305/when-the-trauma-doesnt-end"><span style="color: blue;">When the Trauma Doesn't End</span><span style="color: blue;"> </span></a></b>How can people learn to live with chronic traumatic stress? by Romeo Vitelli Ph.D. Posted May 29, 2013</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Caregiver Fatigue/ Compassion Fatigue</span></h3>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The demands of caregiving can be overwhelming, especially if you feel you have little control over the situation or you’re in over your head. If the stress of caregiving is left unchecked, it can take a toll on your health, relationships, and state of mind—eventually leading to burnout.</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>When you’re burned out, it’s tough to do anything, let alone look after someone else. That’s why taking care of yourself isn’t a luxury—it’s a necessity.</b></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIRF8q5UYOa4MFZGzZLiylMGOpiML8EN2jMuTPlONjwbrGruSFzxmeNkITCTdHy_ZVdu3Eaq-FoSCmecfM30lzNVVvL234VDreNwkB5rw7w9pO4k6maSJcrwHIj-mnLuSYbRNsV_Bv08uv/s320/it+is+okay.jpg" /></span></blockquote>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><b>Caregiver stress and burnout: What you need to know</b><br />Caring for a loved one can be very rewarding, but it also involves many stressors. Caregiver stress can be particularly damaging since it is typically a chronic, long-term challenge.<br /><br />If you don’t get the physical and emotional support you need, the stress of caregiving leaves you vulnerable to a wide range of problems, including depression, anxiety, and burnout. And when you get to that point, both you and the people you’re caring for suffer. That’s why managing the stress levels in your life is just as important as making sure your family member gets to his doctor’s appointment or takes her medication on time.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Common signs and symptoms of caregiver burnout</b></span><br />
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You have much less energy than you once had</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It seems like you catch every cold or flu that’s going around</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You’re constantly exhausted, even after sleeping or taking a break</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You neglect your own needs, either because you’re too busy or you don’t care anymore</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Your life revolves around caregiving, but it gives you little satisfaction</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You have trouble relaxing, even when help is available</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You’re increasingly impatient and irritable with the person you’re caring for</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You feel helpless and hopeless</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Helping Ourselves - Recovering from CTS and Burnout </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif;">There will always be times when we feel defeated. Like we just can't take one more step. We want to run away. We want to drop kick this kid. I have heard so many people say, "I am DONE! I can't take anymore!" </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif;">I have soooo felt this way myself. First of all, remember that </span><b style="color: #222222;">YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!</b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRqasNu2K8smmSY2KdkMXoqo3GvQ2BlfZpEl6271vCLTY_R4bvy1EGUt1wJE863b_Lg34MvnjhDzpWkKf-VFDeMXtAxnI9IqorN6_3HO_xLp7fRM0VFlxbgyQ2jQOa_c2hMzDRFX2VP8yW/s1600/mothers+as+cars.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="500" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRqasNu2K8smmSY2KdkMXoqo3GvQ2BlfZpEl6271vCLTY_R4bvy1EGUt1wJE863b_Lg34MvnjhDzpWkKf-VFDeMXtAxnI9IqorN6_3HO_xLp7fRM0VFlxbgyQ2jQOa_c2hMzDRFX2VP8yW/s320/mothers+as+cars.jpg" width="320" /></span></a><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/04/but-my-child-needs-me.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But My Child Needs Me! Giving Until There's Nothing Left</span></a></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">By the time most women reach out, I think we have hit rock bottom. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Like most moms, especially moms of special-needs children, I gave and gave and gave until there was nothing left. No reserves. Nothing. I was completely empty. That's hard to come back from.</span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiua4Yw4KmW4tHmjX-xIpr2dTOXeZGyzi4rDDq8gJq03NWzmMZCr_vRCSZgXMawqV4kh0VfqPRGej2cGv2DOhXSGeY0rO94UaVDaRwrynIXrK3djOVHT9Rw37gtTX1BimvQH-ugyA5qFXFT/s1600/empty+cup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></a></div>
<i style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A woman on one of my support groups was talking about feeling overwhelmed to the point that she found herself having no patience for her child and yelling at him all the time. She was no longer able to be a therapeutic parent like she used to be. In my response to her, I realized that things really have changed for me over the years, and I don't think it's just because Bear is out of the house and Kitty is stable. I really am in a better place emotionally.</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I totally get it. When my kids first got here, I was empathetic, calm and patient with them- maybe TOO patient. I stuffed things down, let it roll off my back, and GAVE and GAVE and GAVE... until there was nothing left. I was so burned out and overwhelmed that we were all miserable. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Here are some thin</span><span style="font-size: 18px;">gs I did to get ME back:</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> <b style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Self-Care - Caring for the Caregiver</a></b><br /><b style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><br /></a></b></span><br />
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<b style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibDKFiArNUHhfEGOU3bCihhY8m3zZq3J5nGArBeveyrYo2g2_D_s4yJqezbp7A739mwMN8_OS8_gwEluKE-uNMgYG8kD728srHaTeGmNmdiGXcdYY1ztHiJRayVs8vf94UNMaqGyDMdl7s/s1600/not+selfish.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; color: #0b5394; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="504" height="317" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibDKFiArNUHhfEGOU3bCihhY8m3zZq3J5nGArBeveyrYo2g2_D_s4yJqezbp7A739mwMN8_OS8_gwEluKE-uNMgYG8kD728srHaTeGmNmdiGXcdYY1ztHiJRayVs8vf94UNMaqGyDMdl7s/s320/not+selfish.jpg" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 1px solid rgb(238, 238, 238); box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.1) 1px 1px 5px; padding: 5px; position: relative;" width="320" /></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know it sounds stupid, but I needed "permission," encouragement, and constant reminders to take care of myself.<br /><br />Parenting a child with attachment issues is incredibly draining and we need extra support to deal with that. But it felt so wrong to prioritize my self over the needs of everyone else.<br /><br />Society tells us that as women, we <i>should</i> be nurturing and prioritize our family. We <i>should</i> always put ourself and our needs last.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">People who work with our child tell us we <i>should</i> prioritize that child. That we <i>should</i> do more for the child. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>They are all WRONG!</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">What you <i><b>HAVE TO</b></i> do is prioritize <u><i>yourself</i></u> over the needs of the family! </span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif;">All those </span><b style="color: #222222;">well-meaning people</b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif;"> who say you SHOULD (or should not) be doing something have no idea what living 24/7 with a child with an attachment disorder is like. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif;">Even those who have experience working with special needs children don't know YOUR child and how your child is with YOU - plus they work at most an 8-hour shift with your child, then they get to go home! Also, none of them take into account your other children or your marriage, let alone your needs as the caregiver of your family. Their priority is the one child, not your family as a whole.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/09/advocating-for-yourself-your-family-and.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">PRIORITIZING YOURSELF, YOUR MARRIAGE, YOUR FAMILY AS A WHOLE, AND YOUR CHILD - IN THAT ORDER!</a></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I also needed "permission to prioritize myself and the rest of the family over the needs of one child. Yes, my job as a parent is to help this child, but not at the expense of my marriage and the other children. </span><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/09/advocating-for-yourself-your-family-and.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Prioritizing Yourself, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order!</a></b></span></div>
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<b style="color: #222222; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">P</a>utting Yourself First</span></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix98Jj8Gjlz-RuJsQV6jTDR9jxLfbKW1ekXDNrDKcuR7OXLHyLTzcd2AXZlm-7w6k4KNq4BFuGfL3o6rtgCLD9N7Zrx_06MqnQD25rfewWBnu2v5R8dTN-G29SOlyt2ofMq49v09UQoTeZ/s1600/oxygen+mask+mom+first.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="787" data-original-width="736" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix98Jj8Gjlz-RuJsQV6jTDR9jxLfbKW1ekXDNrDKcuR7OXLHyLTzcd2AXZlm-7w6k4KNq4BFuGfL3o6rtgCLD9N7Zrx_06MqnQD25rfewWBnu2v5R8dTN-G29SOlyt2ofMq49v09UQoTeZ/s200/oxygen+mask+mom+first.jpeg" width="186" /></span></a><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Remember what they say when you're on an airplane that is in trouble -- put the oxygen mask on YOURSELF first. If you are not taking care of yourself, then you can't help anyone else. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You have to find what works for you.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is definitely easier if you have support, but you have to prioritize your needs, even if it's just something little, like keeping the best piece of whatever you're serving for dinner for yourself. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you give and give and give without getting much, if anything, back, then there is nothing left for anyone!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I knew I could not help anyone on empty. I had to find ways to refill my cup before I could even think about the rest of my family. It sounded impossible. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><i>Self-care? Who has time for that?</i></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The answer: Without it, you're out of time (and emotional reserves). It's the<i> only </i>thing you have time for until your tank is no longer empty.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfD6P63tqEIxeKp8fBFpcHGhLu1Xe1VnLgZQ2IrqnXRlv5zulInWrFPNDnWMLu0DbZGB1gwXArQjx5gAXhFP_GiaYOw1vFhVsDZ4Yg5ms2Wvzki1VfN_lDe-RdUyXDAZGkh_9FaWFvEG0r/s1600/empty+cup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="538" data-original-width="720" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfD6P63tqEIxeKp8fBFpcHGhLu1Xe1VnLgZQ2IrqnXRlv5zulInWrFPNDnWMLu0DbZGB1gwXArQjx5gAXhFP_GiaYOw1vFhVsDZ4Yg5ms2Wvzki1VfN_lDe-RdUyXDAZGkh_9FaWFvEG0r/s320/empty+cup.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<b style="background-color: transparent;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BE "SELFISH"</span></b></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 18px;">Go out of your way to do things just for you. Things that remind you of who you are outside of being a parent. I don't mean go to the gym once a week. This is not a New Year's Resolution kind of thing. I mean put the kids to bed early every night (we called it "room time") and have some adult time. Plop the kids in front of a video with a PB&J on a paper plate and do something that fills you up. <b><i>{</i></b></span></span><b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/planning-trauma-mama-retreat.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; text-align: right;">Getting Respite, Planning a Retreat</a> }</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b> <b>REFILL YOUR TANK</b></span><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRq3Np-RLTrg-oXLRFSmrZ4URJ_o54oXl_1UEFV13SO5-oVgr0QNvIbmWPzUWEWWeNu5IZVaOFwNgZtezhOe0DAk2hmD1_Pn1diVvM3qLlB861VWSU8AdexRV_QkWUDvSjyAP35EVR4eq6/s1600/take+a+break.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEganJ4vcYleWS0bFj4t-d0djuLoeTK-iNYHuyXhlLajVuhRgUw6DKKd8xQZN6_Us7U8hnlpimk3P2MQHt2cD7_H2cVrIQkOtqhBP15l-45B5Xr1kV2c0SdzgpKSHBUAydhy6yHCIcr_80vO/s1600/5lovelanguages.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="127" data-original-width="84" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEganJ4vcYleWS0bFj4t-d0djuLoeTK-iNYHuyXhlLajVuhRgUw6DKKd8xQZN6_Us7U8hnlpimk3P2MQHt2cD7_H2cVrIQkOtqhBP15l-45B5Xr1kV2c0SdzgpKSHBUAydhy6yHCIcr_80vO/s1600/5lovelanguages.jpg" /></span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For me, that meant getting my Love Language needs met. I'm a "Words of Affirmation" girl. I found ways to get people to praise my work. I blogged. I mentored. I hung out with people who "got it" and were encouraging me. I tried not to expect that affirmation from my husband and children. I knew they were too overwhelmed and drained to fill my love tank. <b><i>{<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/04/the-5-love-languages.html" target="_blank">Five Love Languages</a>}</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know you're going to ignore this, but <b>GET SOME SLEEP! DRINK LOTS OF WATER! Eat Right! Exercise!</b> All 4 are important, but they are in order of priority. Please do everything you can to take care of yourself. No one else can.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">FYI, exercise does not have to be joining a gym or running 2 miles a day. It can be blasting your favorite tunes and dance like no one's watching, break out the hula hoop, take the dog for a walk... kids can join in if they want to.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 18px;"><b>GET SUPPORT!!</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Find people who "get it." Real life, online... just find them, and share!! Remember, "YOU ARE NOT ALONE!"</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">ASK FOR HELP!!! and ACCEPT it!!</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When someone has a baby or has been hospitalized, people come over and help out. They bring food for several days or even weeks. They clean, go shopping, mow the yard, take care of the kids... just because we haven't been to a hospital, doesn't mean that we aren't living like survivors of some catastrophic illness or major life event. When people say, "Can I help?" Say YES! You need help. You deserve help. Ask for it. Accept it. Please!</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><b><br /></b></span></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><b>SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO "GET IT" </b></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Not only avoiding toxic people as much as possible but actively surrounding myself with people who "get it." This is why I admin the group </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/147916451954056" target="_blank">Parenting Attachment Challenged Children</a><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">. It is a safe, positive place</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><b>THERAPY</b></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Therapy - for ME! I needed to talk to someone whose primary goal was helping ME deal with my life. I found a therapist who specialized in trauma.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>MEDICATION</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is not shameful, and it doesn't have to be forever, but a LOT of therapeutic parents I know (including myself) take medication to help with the anxiety and depression that come from parenting kids with trauma/ attachment issues.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>FORGIVE YOURSELF</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Forgive yourself for not being the "perfect parent" (which doesn't exist!) that could heal/fix your child. Give yourself time to grieve the child that you wanted (one who could love you back, heal with your help, be RRHAFTBALL... </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><b>FIND TIME TO LAUGH!</b></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Do silly, fun stuff with the kids. Do silly, fun stuff just to entertain yourself! Here're some ideas</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/01/books-and-methods-review-99-ways-to.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank"> 99 Ways to Drive Your Child Sane</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> and </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/09/brighten-up-boring-day.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Brighten Up a Boring Day!</a><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></b><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">TREAT YOURSELF!</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Even if it's for the most minute of successes. Have you seen that </span><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAY_wDP8rdI" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;">Wendy's commercial</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> about a little girl who lost her baseball game, but they celebrate because she didn't get hit by a ball?! </span></span><br />
<ul style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRq3Np-RLTrg-oXLRFSmrZ4URJ_o54oXl_1UEFV13SO5-oVgr0QNvIbmWPzUWEWWeNu5IZVaOFwNgZtezhOe0DAk2hmD1_Pn1diVvM3qLlB861VWSU8AdexRV_QkWUDvSjyAP35EVR4eq6/s1600/take+a+break.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="682" data-original-width="554" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRq3Np-RLTrg-oXLRFSmrZ4URJ_o54oXl_1UEFV13SO5-oVgr0QNvIbmWPzUWEWWeNu5IZVaOFwNgZtezhOe0DAk2hmD1_Pn1diVvM3qLlB861VWSU8AdexRV_QkWUDvSjyAP35EVR4eq6/s320/take+a+break.jpg" width="259" /></span></a>
<li style="color: #222222; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I didn't smack my child when she screamed in my face for the millionth time (Get a mani/pedi - even if you do it yourself). </span></li>
<li style="color: #222222; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My kids ate dinner, fast food in front of the TV counts! (Go on an ice cream "date" with one of my healthy children).</span></li>
<li style="color: #222222; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No blood was spilled in the last hour! (Take a hot bath with a trashy novel and a glass of wine after the kids go to bed).</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Behavior Bingo - </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Behavior Bingo is something I heard about from somewhere on the web. As a way to cope with her children's behaviors, this mom started pretending that whenever her child did something annoying (like pitch a fit, or paint with poo, or call her a $%#*... she would sometimes act really excited like she'd gotten to put a marker on her imaginary bingo board. She didn't tell her kids what she was doing or why. Every now and then she would yell out, "Bingo!" She usually thanked the child for the behavior (again without telling the child why), and rewarded herself in some way (got an ice cream or a margarita or whatever). She said it made her feel better and confused the heck out of the child(ren). lol<br /><img alt="Image result for adulting award" height="240" src="https://i.pinimg.com/originals/da/aa/32/daaa328194130827e696e9440a75949f.jpg" width="320" /> </span></span></li>
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<b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/02/books-and-methods-review-methods.html"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">CALMING/ RELAXATION TECHNIQUES</span></a></b><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/03/how-to-have-good-dreams.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;">How to Have Good Dreams </a></b></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="font-size: 13.2px;">Deep breathing</b><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"> - slow, deep, even breaths from the diaphragm, rather than short, shallow breaths from the chest. Can try counting - especially if trying to go to </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/03/how-to-have-good-dreams.html" style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.2px;">sleep</a><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">. </span></span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Get comfortable and relax muscles.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Inhale deeply and hold it.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Exhale and repeat.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Try adding stretching.</span></span></blockquote>
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<li style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><a href="https://www.medicaldaily.com/life-hack-sleep-4-7-8-breathing-exercise-will-supposedly-put-you-sleep-just-60-332122" target="_blank">4-7-8 Breath</a>.</b> I use this quick and simple breathing every night. It works!<br /><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/YRPh_GaiL8s" width="480"></iframe></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods_1158.html" style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.2px;">EFT Emotional Freedom Techniques</a><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"> (aka Tapping). This can be a full tapping routine or just something simple like a side hand chop.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="font-size: 13.2px;">Mantra</b><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"> (can be used with tapping) - Choose a positive, calming word or phrase. Repeat it over and over to yourself silently to prevent distracting thoughts from entering and calm yourself.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"><b>E</b>xercises that cross the mid-brain (like <b style="font-size: 13.2px;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/books-and-methods-review-methods-brain.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;">Brain Gym</a>)</b>. </span>Sometimes I use a tapping-type technique - like patting my left knee and then the right, over and over. I've also crossed my arms over my chest and alternately tapped <span style="font-size: 13.2px;">the backs of my upper arms in a subtle way that others probably won't even notice</span>.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods-emdr.html" style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.2px;">EMDR</a><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"> is a therapy that works in similar ways (crossing the mid-brain). </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="font-size: 13.2px;">Exercise </b><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">- Going for a walk or run, yoga, jumping on a trampoline to clear the mind and reduce stress.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="font-size: 13.2px;">Distraction/ Redirection </b><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">- Find a different activity or something to focus on that distracts from an event that is causing stress. Lots of ideas in this post about the </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/06/attachment-challenge.html" style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.2px;">Attachment Challenge</a><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">.</span></span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Read a book or magazine.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Listen to relaxing music or watch a video.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Do a crossword puzzle, or play an electronic game.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Make cookies.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Play with playdoh</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Try lying down and taking a nap.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Go somewhere in your imagination.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Cocooning (create a cozy, womb-like area with books and soft toys).</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></span></blockquote>
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<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/02/books-and-methods-review-methods-tre.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;">TRE Tension & Trauma Releasing Exercises </a> - this intrigues me, but I haven't tried it.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="font-size: 13.2px;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods_31.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;">Biofeedback/ Neurofeedback</a></b><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"> – training in how to calm the body and brain. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="font-size: 13.2px;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mindfulness_(psychology)" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;">Mindfulness</a></b><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"> - staying focused and in the present moment.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="font-size: 13.2px;">Meditation</b><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"> </span><a href="http://www.wikihow.com/Sample/Meditation-Techniques" style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.2px;">http://www.wikihow.com/Sample/Meditation-Techniques</a></span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b> <b>PRIORITIZE YOUR FAMILY</b></span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Prioritize Your Relationship with Your Significant Other</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With any luck, this person will be around long after your kids are out of the home. Respite, date night, at least 5 minutes a day of time together where you DON'T talk about your kids. I also found it helped to have 10 minutes a day to talk about the kids, and schedules and how your day went...</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Prioritize Your Relationship with Your Other Kids</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Spend extra time with your other kids. Go on "dates" with them. Find times to chat. Treat them to a little extra mommy time. The squeaky wheel gets the oil and that means often the other kids can get shoved to the side. Plus it helps you by getting some time with your child(ren) that is capable of having a relationship with you.</span><br />
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<span style="clear: right; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1H-iQL6iQ3moalh0oe_QkpVH-OWfXnvsbFPjAc2G3e2TwnCB-8gl06TUT4VwFCSPm4sJyzfOLNzG25gzMzEd0rCdSXReggtZLP6UptnhDJA9iCcDuUgemNMUECQsukUDXmy3oFTiPTduL/s1600/okay+to+take+care+of+you.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="667" data-original-width="500" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1H-iQL6iQ3moalh0oe_QkpVH-OWfXnvsbFPjAc2G3e2TwnCB-8gl06TUT4VwFCSPm4sJyzfOLNzG25gzMzEd0rCdSXReggtZLP6UptnhDJA9iCcDuUgemNMUECQsukUDXmy3oFTiPTduL/s320/okay+to+take+care+of+you.jpg" width="239" /></a></span></div>
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<b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="color: #5dc2c0; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/06/five-stars-my-top-10-things-i-couldnt.html" target="_blank">My Top 10ish Things I Couldn't Do This Without</a></span></b><br />
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<b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/02/books-and-methods-review-stop-walking.html" target="_blank">Stop Walking on Eggshells</a> - </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">A book that really helped me set boundaries for li</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">ving with RAD/ Borderline Personality Disorder/ Older Teens</span></span><br />
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<b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="color: #5dc2c0; font-size: large;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" style="color: #5dc2c0;">Finding the Joy</a></span> </b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is one of the hardest things I've ever done and one of the most important. I wasn't ready for it until my "love tank" was a little more full. I highly recommend this post to you when you're ready!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-size: large;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/giving-cpr-faith.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">You Have Not Failed</a></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I did have to accept the fact that one of my children was not able to heal. While I was recovering from the PTSD caused by him living with us, I would often start feeling guilty about my failure to "fix" him. I have reread this post a thousand times to help me combat this feeling. It works for me.</span><br />
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marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-47441015901520460732019-01-24T00:50:00.000-06:002019-11-05T18:49:13.799-06:00Overlapping Diagnoses in Children<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWB2ArDBzI7uQi9gx6MUyJhNnN2EL6oTOntGVM6wGchl_FW4zqftXUeqZY9Dz_xEwdVj80vXES6VmJhlDNlZjjeZHswRS3EL6QhMqbe1-8JYezvWSug5o5R22p34n7FhiqH4-qKdTwjvVz/s1600/Overlapping_Characteristics%255B1%255D.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1236" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWB2ArDBzI7uQi9gx6MUyJhNnN2EL6oTOntGVM6wGchl_FW4zqftXUeqZY9Dz_xEwdVj80vXES6VmJhlDNlZjjeZHswRS3EL6QhMqbe1-8JYezvWSug5o5R22p34n7FhiqH4-qKdTwjvVz/s640/Overlapping_Characteristics%255B1%255D.jpg" width="494" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Here's the<a href="http://come-over.to/FAS/PDF/OverlappingCharacteristics.pdf" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.2px; text-align: start; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;"> link</span></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;"> to the original document</span></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Overlapping Behavioral Characteristics Chart</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I thought this was a very interesting chart of the overlapping characteristics of the different diagnoses. We see a lot of <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/12/overlapping-behavior-characteristics.html">overlap in behavioral characteristics</a> in our children who have multiple diagnoses. </span><br />
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">{This chart was designed by a group with an FASD background, which is fine, and I agree that kids with FASD usually have all of those characteristics. I just disagree with the fact that they don't also have RAD checked off on most of the characteristics. I realize that how RAD affects children is different and that they may not check things off if the child only acts that way with certain adults (meaning family), but NONE of these were checked for RAD?!!! }</span></i></b><br />
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<b style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Comorbidity</span></b><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Children with trauma issues usually have more going on than just one issue - attachment disorders, physical and sexual abuse, PTSD, RAD bipolar disorder, ADHD, FAS/FAE... caseworkers will not or cannot tell you all of what caused these issues, and often symptoms overlap and appear to be other things. For example, I don't think I've ever heard of a child with RAD that didn't also have PTSD. </span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>The simultaneous presence of two (or more) chronic illnesses or conditions in a patient.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"Comorbidity does not mean the simple addition of two illnesses that independently follow their usual trajectories. The simultaneous presence of two or more diseases will worsen the prognosis of all the diseases that are present, lead to an increasing number (and severity) of complications, and make the treatment of all of them more difficult and, possibly, less efficacious.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 15.9991px;">What is worse is that one of the comorbid illnesses is often overlooked. This is particularly true for mental illnesses which are frequently comorbid with physical illnesses. Non-psychiatric specialists and general practitioners are usually focused on the illness about which they know a great deal and which they wish to treat, often missing or underestimating the importance of mental disorders that might also be present."</span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 15.9991px;"> </span> </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 15.9991px;">~</span><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4054544/" style="font-size: 15.9991px;" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 15.9991px;"> Com</span><span style="font-size: small;">orbidity of mental and physical diseases: a main challenge for medicine of the 21st century</span></a></span></blockquote>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; text-decoration-line: none;"><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Multiple Diagnoses in Children</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Multiple diagnoses in children frequently lead to overwhelming frustration and lack of services/ accommodations. The child's "Care Team" - medical and mental health providers, education professionals, therapists, case managers, parents' supports... tend to focus on the area(s) where they have experience and training -frequently not understanding the child's other diagnoses and, more importantly, how those diagnoses interreact with each other. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Each diagnosis not only has its own associated behaviors and behaviors that may overlap with the child's other diagnoses, but the behaviors and symptoms frequently interreact and intensify minor or more serious issues exponentially.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjorPaMl8qVMC2YvkyONZSyDA8NLW6TYFV-jQqbSxTHRRQqu4mW-2s2P5tYeKqbLr3Y8mqRr-GwtArx84hNPxX093EXpJRwDU8-XwKl2cHN7w2GUoZWHUT6gmEtVRNVmoBgA_5iTfxBue7w/s1600/tangled+strings.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="512" data-original-width="768" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjorPaMl8qVMC2YvkyONZSyDA8NLW6TYFV-jQqbSxTHRRQqu4mW-2s2P5tYeKqbLr3Y8mqRr-GwtArx84hNPxX093EXpJRwDU8-XwKl2cHN7w2GUoZWHUT6gmEtVRNVmoBgA_5iTfxBue7w/s320/tangled+strings.png" width="320" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For example, Kitty has many diagnoses - ADHD, C-PTSD, Cerebral Dysrhythmia (brain injury/ damage), well below average IQ (<span style="font-size: 15.9991px;">low average verbal IQ,</span><span style="font-size: 15.9991px;"> well below average memory, lower extreme range processing speed), bipolar disorder, GAD, FASD, BPD, emotional/ developmental age approximately 10 years below her physical age... </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 15.9991px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Most people on her "care team" recognize and/or have experience with only 2 or 3 of these diagnoses/ behaviors/ symptoms. They have no understanding of how her different diagnoses interreact with each other or how that interaction can change on a minute-by-minute basis based on what all is going on <b><i>{<a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-spoon-theory.html" target="_blank">Spoon Theory</a>}</i></b>. They see my friendly child who "presents well" and make assumptions as to what she needs and is capable of. (They also tend to assume I am an overemotional, overbearing parent with Munchausen by proxy).</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i>{Unfortunately, many people in a child's life believe that telling a child the truth about his or her abilities and skills will damage his/her self-esteem. Personally, I believe that if you tell a child that he/she can do and/or be anything he wants to be and then the child fails, then the child assumes that the failure is his or her fault. {<a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/09/dreamkiller.html" target="_blank">Dream Killer</a>} </i></b></span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I think children need encouragement to find the things that they enjoy but be gently directed away from unrealistic goals. A blind child who wants to be an artist might be guided away from watercolors and instead encouraged to become an amazing Sculptor or discover an interest in becoming an engineer.]</span></i></b></div>
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<b style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/12/like-attracts-like.html" style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Like Attracts Like</a></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">One theory that explains why so many children have multiple diagnoses. People with mental illnesses are usually attracted to those who "get" them (meaning they understand and sympathize with the mentally ill person's issues - usually because they have personally experienced it. <a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/11/kleenex-girls.html" target="_blank">Kleenex Girls</a>). </span></div>
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<b style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">People with issues are attracted to people with issues - creating babies with issues.</span></b></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">People with "issues" don't always make the best choices - which can lead to abused/ neglected children with genetic predispositions toward mental illnesses, who may have been "pickled in toxic soup" in utero (alcohol/ drugs/ adrenaline and anxiety hormones...). The combination of genetics and environment often leads to these children ending up in foster care.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">People feel most comfortable with situations and people we know. My kids spend an inordinate amount of time trying to recreate the chaos they grew up with because those are the conditions they understand and know how to operate under. They know what to expect (even though that's usually abuse and more chaos)</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white;"><b>DIAGNOSES</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>RAD and Trauma</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I don’t believe the<a href="http://come-over.to/FAS/PDF/OverlappingCharacteristics.pdf" target="_blank"> Overlapping Behavioral Characteristics Chart </a>is entirely accurate (for example, it doesn’t include “Difficulty seeing cause & effect “ as a symptom of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) when it most definitely is a very common one (Infants learn cause and effect from their primary caregiver. RAD is caused by the absence of the primary caregiver – whether emotionally or physically. Therefore most texts list this as a common symptom of RAD). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I suppose it does depend on at what age the child developed RAD. For example, if the child was as an infant and the primary caregiver did not react consistently when the child cried (such as sometimes feeding the child or changing the child's diaper, sometimes ignoring the child, and sometimes beating him or her), then the child might not have learned "cause and effect." Whereas if the trauma began later then hopefully that stage would already be successfully completed. (<b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/katharine-leslie-seminar-object.html" target="_blank">Katharine Leslie Seminar - Infant Development</a></b>)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Reactive Attachment Disorder Behavior Characteristics</span><br />
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">acts cute or charms others to get others to do what my child wants.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">often does not make eye contact when adults want to make eye contact with my child.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">overly friendly with strangers.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> pushes me away or becomes stiff when I try to hug- unless my child wants something from me.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">argues for long periods of time <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">about ev.ry.thing.</span>, often about ridiculous things.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">has a tremendous need to have control over everything, becoming very upset if things don't go my child's way.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">acts amazingly innocent or pretends that things aren't that bad when caught doing something wrong.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">does very dangerous things, ignoring that my child may be hurt.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">deliberately breaks or ruins things.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">doesn't seem to feel age-appropriate guilt when my child does something wrong.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">teases, hurts, or is cruel to other children.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">seems unable to stop from doing things on impulse.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">steals or shows up with things that belong to others with unusual or suspicious reasons for how my child got these things.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">demands things, instead of asking for them.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">doesn't seem to learn from mistakes and misbehavior (no matter what the consequence, the child continues the behavior).</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">tries to get sympathy from others by telling them that I abuse, don't feed, or don't provide the basic life necessities.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"shakes off" pain when hurt, refusing to let anyone provide comfort.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">likes to sneak things without permission, even though my child could have had these things if my child had asked.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">lies, often about obvious or ridiculous things, or when it would have been easier to tell the truth.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">very bossy with other children and adults.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">hoards or sneaks food, or has other unusual eating habits (eats paper, raw flour, baker's chocolate, etc. )</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">can't keep friends for more than a week or so.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">throws temper tantrums that last for hours.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">chatters non-stop, repeatedly asks questions over and over about things that make no sense, mutters, or is hard to understand when talking.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">accident-prone (gets hurt a lot), or complains a lot about every little ache and pain (needs constant bandaids). (Even though he/she may not complain about serious injuries or illnesses) <b><i>{<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/08/psychosomatic-its-all-in-their-head.html" target="_blank">Psychosomatic "Illnesses"</a>}</i></b></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">teases, hurts, or is cruel to animals.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">doesn't do as well in school as my child could with even a little more effort.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">sets fires or is preoccupied with fire.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">prefers to watch violent cartoons and/or TV shows or horror movies </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">was abused/neglected during the first two years of life or had several changes of the primary caretaker during the first several years of life. (This can include multiple or extended hospitalizations)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">was in an orphanage. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">was adopted (It is possible to have RAD even if the child was adopted at birth - if the child was "pickled" in utero with drugs, alcohol, and/or stress hormones...).</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Triggered Behavior Characteristics</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A child whose past trauma is triggered will likely exhibit several behavior characteristics/ symptoms/ signs at one time, and they may be even more exaggerated than usual. Kids can be triggered by sights (violent TV shows, for example), smells (fried potatoes), sounds (a full laundry basket falling to the ground, a siren, a fire alarm at school, or a loud/sharp yell), and sensory feelings (a certain touch, a particular fabric, cold weather). They can also be triggered by "traumaversaries" - anniversaries of significant events (like entering foster care), birthdays, and holidays. {<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/12/holiday-aka-traumaversaries-trauma-tips.html" target="_blank">Holidays, Birthdays, and Other Traumaversaries</a>}</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/04/katharine-leslie-seminar-adhd.html" target="_blank">ADHD</a></b></span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ADD/ ADHD Behavior Characteristics</span></b><br />
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Easily distracted by extraneous stimuli </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Often does not follow through on instructions</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Often interrupts/intrudes </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Often engages in activities without considering possible consequences </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Often has difficulty organizing tasks & activities </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">No impulse controls</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Might act hyperactive (constantly active and sometimes disruptive behavior )</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Emotionally volatile, often exhibit wide mood swings</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Depression/ anxiety develops, often in teen years</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Over/under-responsive to stimuli </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Difficulty initiating, following through</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Manage time poorly/lack of comprehension of time </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Often blames others for his or her mistakes </span></li>
</ul>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Stimulant Medications and the "ADHD Brain"</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I've always wondered why giving a kid with ADHD the equivalent of speed seems to calm them down when it makes everyone else so hyper. Katharine explains it in terms I think I understand.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ADHD increases a person's impulsivity and causes them to hyperfocus on everything. Our frontal lobe normally is supposed to be saying, "Stop that!" It controls our actions. When we take speed it speeds up the frontal lobe so that it catches up to the "ADHD brain" and can think before it acts! </span><br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Meds aren't slowing kids with ADHD down.</b></span></blockquote>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>They're speeding up the rest of the brain.</b></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Stimulant ADHD Medication vs Non-Stimulants </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Unfortunately, my children can't take stimulant medications because they cause major side-effects. Both my children have bipolar disorder and stimulant medications can trigger mania. My personal opinion is that non-stimulant ADHD meds don't work as well but they're better than nothing. </span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/02/ptsd-in-older-child-adoption.html" target="_blank">PTSD</a> or ADHD or Both?</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b>We saw a lot of <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/12/overlapping-behavior-characteristics.html">overlap in behavioral characteristics</a> especially between ADD/ADHD and <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/02/ptsd-in-older-child-adoption.html">PTSD</a>. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When Kitty first came to us (at age 11), she showed signs of extreme ADHD (she was diagnosed at age 4). She couldn't sit still for more than a few minutes. Meals were torture for all of us if we insisted that she stay through the whole meal. We assumed it was because her ADHD was unmedicated, and quickly had her put on medication. Her academic skills improved greatly (went from a 2nd-grade level work to testing at a 4th-grade level almost immediately). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Kitty's behavior at other times (especially dinner time) didn't improve much, but we blamed that on other things (meds wore off by evening, ADHD meds tend to kill the appetite, she wasn't used to sitting at the table and having conversations...).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">PTSD often causes issues with hypervigilance (very similar to the hyperfocus you see in ADD/ ADHD) and when you're feeling like you're living in a "war zone," you have a lot of trouble focusing and using other executive functions. In other words, most of the symptoms of ADD/ADHD. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Both my children had <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quantitative_electroencephalography">QEEG </a>testing which determined that they do have ADD (Bear) and ADHD (Kitty), but they also both have <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/02/ptsd-in-older-child-adoption.html" target="_blank">Complex PTSD</a> and it wasn't until there was some improvement with their trauma and attachment issues that we began to see more of the "ADHD" symptoms lessening.</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">3 Main Symptoms of PTSD</span></b><br />
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<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Re-experiencing the trauma through intrusive distressing recollections of the event, flashbacks, and nightmares.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Avoidance of places, people, and activities that are reminders of the trauma, and emotional numbness.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Increased arousal such as difficulty sleeping and concentrating, feeling jumpy, and being easily irritated and angered.</span></li>
</ol>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Some examples of PTSD symptoms in Children</b></span><br />
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">irritable, angry, or aggressive behavior, including extreme temper tantrums</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">hypervigilance</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">exaggerated startle response</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">problems with concentration</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">difficulty falling or staying asleep or restless sleep</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/books-and-methods-review-bipolar.html" target="_blank">Bipolar Disorder in Children</a></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When children develop bipolar disorder, it is usually called early-onset bipolar disorder (or Mood Disorder NOS because many medical professionals won't diagnose bipolar disorder in young children). Trauma has been known to trigger early-onset bipolar disorder in children that have a genetic predisposition to it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Early-onset bipolar can be more severe than bipolar disorder in older teens and adults. Young people with bipolar disorder may exhibit symptoms more often and switch moods more frequently than adults with the illness. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Bipolar mania, hypomania, and depression are symptoms of bipolar disorder. The dramatic mood changes of bipolar disorder do not follow a set pattern -- depression does not always follow mania. A person may experience the same mood state several times -- for weeks, months, even years at a time -- before suddenly having the opposite mood. Moods can rapid cycle too - minutes, hours. Also, the severity of mood phases can differ from person to person.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=education_screeningcenter_childmania" style="color: #5dc2c0;" target="_blank">Child Mania Rating Scale</a> - </b></span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">periods of feeling super happy for hours or days at a <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">time, extremely wound up and excited, such as feeling </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">"on top of the world"</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">feel irritable, cranky, or mad for hours or days at a time</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">think that he or she can be anything or do anything <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> (e.g., leader, best basketball player, rap singer, </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">millionaire, princess) beyond what is usual for that age</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">believe that he or she has unrealistic abilities or <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">powers that are unusual, and may try to act upon them, </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">which causes trouble</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">needs less sleep than usual; yet does not feel tired <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">the next day</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">have periods of too much energy</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">have periods when she or he talks too much or too <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">loud or talks a mile-a-minute</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">have periods of racing thoughts that his or her mind <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">cannot slow down, and it seems that your child’s mouth </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">cannot keep up with his or her mind</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">talk so fast that he or she jumps from topic to topic</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">rush around doing things nonstop</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">have trouble staying on track and is easily drawn <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">to what is happening around him or her</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">do many more things than usual, or is unusually <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">productive or highly creative</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">behave in a sexually inappropriate way <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">(e.g., talks dirty, exposing, playing with private parts, </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">masturbating, making sex phone calls, humping on </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">dogs, playing sex games, touches others sexually)</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">go and talk to strangers inappropriately, is more <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">socially outgoing than usual </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">do things that are unusual for him or her that are <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> foolish or risky (e.g., jumping off heights, ordering </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">CDs with your credit cards, giving things away)</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">have rage attacks, intense and prolonged temper tantrums</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">crack jokes or pun more than usual, laugh loud,<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> or act silly in a way that is out of the ordinary</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">experience rapid mood swings</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">have any suspicious or strange thoughts</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">hear voices that nobody else can hear</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">see things that nobody else can see</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/11/books-and-methods-review-traumatic.html" target="_blank">Brain Injuries/ Brain Damage</a></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Both my children have brain injuries (called Cerebral Dysrhythmia - the cause and time of injury is unknown - could be birth defects, could be from abuse). The temporal lobe is definitely damaged in both children, Bear also has damage in the parietal lobe. I always thought it explained a lot, and I believe more than a few of "our kids" have these issues. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I always include their brain injuries when mentioning their issues to people who need to know, because I think it helps them understand that this is PERMANENT not something that therapy or medication is going to "fix." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We are often told that brain damage can be "fixed," and honestly, I believe that to a certain extent that is true, but at some point we have to acknowledge that some of it isn't going to get better or we'll be blaming ourselves (or allowing others to blame us) for our child not healing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;"><b style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2017/10/fetal-alcohol-spectrum-disorders-fasd.html" target="_blank">Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD)</a></b></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /><b>Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD)</b> is an umbrella term describing the range of effects that can occur in an individual who is prenatally exposed to alcohol. These effects may include physical, mental, behavioral, and/or learning disabilities with possible lifelong implications. The term FASD is not intended for use as a clinical diagnosis.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">FASD Behavior Characteristics</span></span><br />
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">difficulty with memory</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">slow information processing</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">impaired executive functioning</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">problems generalizing</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">problems connecting cause and effect</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">poor repetitive language skills</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">perseveration</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">confabulation</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">difficulty setting/ reaching goals</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">trouble understanding abstract concepts</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">problems with social skills</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">trouble reading social cues</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">mood swings</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">lack of inhibitions</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">reacting poorly to changes</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">poor understanding of ownership</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">unrealistic expectations</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">poor expression of emotions</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">easily overwhelmed</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">interpersonal struggles</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">impulsive actions</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">inflexibility</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">repeated mistakes</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">vulnerable to peer pressure</span></li>
</ul>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Puberty</span></b><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Puberty sucks. Those hormones rushing around adds a whole new layer of fun. The good news is that while ages 13 and 14 were horrible for my kids (biokids and adopted kids), things got better after that. More info in this post - <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/09/ages-14-to-15-years.html" target="_blank">The Teen Years</a></span></span><br />
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">TREATMENT</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Does It Matter What's Causing the Behavior?</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The answer is, sometimes. Treatment can be different for different diagnoses. Some issues are biologically based, like the chemical imbalance leading to bipolar disorder. Treating bipolar disorder with therapy alone would be fairly ineffectual.</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Neuropsychological Evaluations</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The first step is a thorough neuropsychological assessment. This will give you a good picture of your child's physical, mental, and family history. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> Assessments are critical because a thorough evaluation can provide recommendations used to create an individualized plan of care. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Do remember that no one knows your child better than you do. The more information you can provide the neuropsychologist, the more accurate your child's evaluation will be.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Most important to understand is the necessity that comorbid disorders be treated concurrently. Mental illness and comorbid addiction disorders are intimately connected. Healing both means healing both as opposed to one or the other.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2017/10/why-wont-my-child-just-behave.html" target="_blank">Why Won't My Child Just Behave?</a></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We don't always know why children (especially children of trauma) act the way they do. It’s possible that they just want to watch adults get all agitated, maybe they want adults to fight to distract them from the child (and thus avoid conflict), or maybe they're trying to recreate the chaos that their brains are used to and therefore it feels comfortable and familiar - often they were "pickled" in adrenaline (or alcohol</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">) </span>in<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> </span>utero<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">....</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-2.html" target="_blank">Discipline vs Behavior Problems</a></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Discipline problems</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> (noncompliance, misbehavior) occur when the caregivers have not structured the child's environment for success or when parents are inconsistent (expectations or consequences), non-responsive, or inaccessible. When adults adjust their behaviors and attitudes, often children with discipline problems can be brought under control in as few as 3 to 7 days.</span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Behavior problems</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> on the other hand lie within the child. These are persistent behaviors that do not disappear even with the best parenting (although good parenting can help to control the behaviors). These can include impulsivity, inattentiveness, and other behaviors like ADHD, FASD and immature behaviors associated with missing capacities in object relations.</span></span></span></blockquote>
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">YOU CANNOT EXPECT PUNISHMENT OR DISCIPLINE</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">TO "FIX" BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS!</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Having behavior problems is like being born with poor eyesight. No amount of punishing or controlling is going to fix this problem. Glasses will help. However, the parent will be responsible for taking the child for regular eye check-ups, teaching him how to care for his glasses, and restricting activities where glasses might break. The goal is that by the time the child is 18, he will be ready and able to take full responsibility for the care of his own eyes and glasses.</span></span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/01/more-on-medication.html" target="_blank">Medication</a></span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Many of our children's major issues cannot be "fixed" by medication (C-PTSD, RAD...), and are trauma-based, not biologically-based. So why give them medication?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Alleviating Symptoms</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I know a lot of times there is huge resistance to giving children meds, and while I agree that there are times some children are over-medicated (particularly those in foster care), I believe that it often means kids with trauma issues are struggling more than most. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For kids with trauma-based issues, I believe meds are not healing or correcting the child's brain, but they can calm down all the outside/extra input, so that the brain can focus on building those new pathways. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Children can't heal if they feel they are living in a war zone or they are struggling with basic coping skills, unable to function.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In my opinion, you can't work on healing trauma if you can't sleep, focus, sit still, react normally to external stimuli (like someone saying, "you dropped jelly on the counter," which, in my opinion, should not trigger a screaming rage but has)... <b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" target="_blank">Handling Dysregulation/ Meltdowns</a></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There's a reason doctors prescribe pain medications after major injuries - it's because people heal faster when they are not in pain.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">T</span></b></span><b style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">herapy</span></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">On the other hand, you can't just treat with meds. Meds control the symptoms, but it takes a lot of work to retrain your brain to function in a new way. This is where therapy and therapeutic parenting come in. To help our kids you must have both.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Get a good therapist who understands and has experience working with adopted/foster kids with trauma. We love our <b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods-emdr.html" target="_blank">EMDR therapist</a></b> for our daughter but still use a good <b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" target="_blank">attachment therapist</a></b> too. Don't be afraid to "fire" the therapist if it's not a good personality match.</span></span><br />
<b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/questions-to-ask-attachment-therapist.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Questions to Ask a Potential Therapist</span></a></b><br />
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<b style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-management-outline.html" target="_blank">Therapeutic Parenting</a></span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Therapeutic Parenting is the term used to describe the type of high structure/high nurture intentional parenting that fosters the feelings of safety and connectedness so that a traumatized child can begin to heal and attach. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/02/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" target="_blank">Structure and Caring Support</a></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When I realized this behavior was caused by anxiety, it made it easier to provide <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/02/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" target="_blank">Calming Techniques </a>and fight to make her world smaller and less overwhelming (by providing <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/02/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" target="_blank">Structure and Caring Support</a>). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" target="_blank">Age-Appropriate Parenting</a></span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 16px;">Trauma can cause significant delays in development (emotionally, socially, intellectually...). Frequent moves and other traumatic life events can also cause delays or even get them stuck at the age the trauma occurred. Emotionally "triggering" events can cause a child to regress to a much younger age. Most kids with PTSD (and brain damage from RAD) have a tough time with processing, memory, object permanence, emotional regulation... </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 16px;"> </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Expecting a child to "act his/her age," can cause frustration and anger for both of you.</span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods-emdr.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">EMDR therapy</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> is the most recommended therapy for people with PTSD. It is most often used by soldiers and victims of trauma (like rape or being in a natural disaster), and usually only requires 2-3 sessions. Obviously, people who have suffered from long-term trauma (Complex PTSD), such as child abuse, would most likely require more sessions. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There are no <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/01/more-on-medication.html" target="_blank">medications</a> specifically for treating PTSD, but with good therapy and meds that help with the symptoms, the child can recognize the effects of the trauma, learn to cope, and move on to dealing with the cause of the trauma.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Helpful Documents</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/09/current-med-and-diagnoses-page.html" target="_blank">Current Meds and Diagnoses</a> </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/07/new-school-year-letters.html" target="_blank">New School Year Letter</a></b></span><br />
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<br />marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-33850726665915827482018-12-18T00:16:00.000-06:002019-10-17T23:12:49.292-05:00Marriage and SSI Benefits<div class="main-content" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #272727; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; width: 944px;">
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i>Kitty's boyfriend recently asked us for Kitty's hand in marriage (sweet, right?). We said yes, but immediately afterward, I started worrying about what this means for Kitty's SSI benefits. </i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i>Without her SSI, she won't have Medicaid. Without Medicaid, she won't be able to afford medications and doctor appointments (even with great insurance, co-pays are ~$100-150/mo). Historically, she has never been able to maintain a full-time job long enough to be eligible for benefits for herself and in fact is currently unemployed. Her boyfriend cannot afford their apartment without her SSI benefits paying half the rent and his job doesn't provide health insurance. </i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i>They can't afford to get married.</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i>Talking to her about this was awkward. As far as I know, he hasn't asked her yet (I'm guessing it will be at Christmas) but I wanted her to be thinking about it before getting caught up in the excitement of a wedding. Ugh! I have to be "dream killer" once again.</i></b></span><br />
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<a href="https://www.disabilitysecrets.com/counting-marital-income.html" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;" target="_blank">Do My Disability Benefits Remain Intact If I Get Married?</a></h1>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #8f8f8f; font-size: 16px;">By</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #8f8f8f; font-size: 16px;"> </span><a class="author" href="https://www.nolo.com/law-authors/bethany-laurence.html" rel="author" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #2093d2; font-size: 16px; text-decoration-line: none;" title="Bethany K. Laurence, Attorney">Bethany K. Laurence</a><span style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #8f8f8f; font-size: 16px;">, Attorney</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For SSI (disability benefits for low-income disabled people who did not pay enough into the Social Security system for SSDI), eligibility for benefits is never terminated simply by marriage. SSI benefits are available to unmarried and married disabled people alike. SSI eligibility is dependent on meeting the definition of disability and <u>financial income and resource limits</u>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When a disabled person gets married (and lives with his or her new spouse), the problem is that the SSA will count some of the new husband or wife’s income as available to the disabled spouse. This is called “<u>deeming income</u>,” and the nondisabled spouse’s income that counts as available to the disabled spouse is called “deemed income.” </span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If the nondisabled spouse makes a good or even fair income, the disabled spouse will likely lose his or her SSI benefits.</span></b></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Deemed Income</span></b> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If the nondisabled spouse earns more than $375 per month in "countable income" (in 2018), the nondisabled spouse’s income will be deemed. The SSA has a very complicated formula for deeming spousal income. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: red;">In a nutshell, if the spouses’ combined countable income (after certain sizeable deductions) is more than $1,125 per month (in 2018), the disabled spouse will be ineligible for SSI. </span></b></span></blockquote>
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<span style="color: red;"><b><i>{<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Doing the math: </span></i></b></span><b style="color: red;"><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In 2018, if the nondisabled spouse works full-time making</span> <u style="font-size: x-large;">more than $9/hr</u><span style="font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">then the disabled person will be <u><span style="font-size: large;">ineligible for SSI!</span></u></span></i></b> </blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Determining Deemed Income</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">To estimate how much of your husband or wife’s income will be deemed to you, you can follow these guidelines.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i>{Be aware that "earned income" refers to "<u>gross</u> income" which is the amount earned<u> before</u> taxes and deductions and such, not the actual paycheck amount.}</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">First, deduct living expenses of $375 for each child from your spouse’s income. <b><i>{Yay! N/A ...so far.}</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Then add your spouse’s income to any income you have. Do not include income from a spouse's IRA or company pension.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Then you are allowed to take certain deductions to give you your countable income for SSI, just as you would if you weren't married. Generally, for earned income, you are allowed to subtract $85 and then cut the remainder in half to come up with your countable earned income. You then add that to any unearned income.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">What’s left after you've made these deductions is the spousal income that is deemed to you. You then subtract this amount from the SSI income limit for a couple (as if you were both disabled), not for an individual. The income limit (and monthly benefit rate) for a couple is $1,125 in 2018.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">What remains, if anything, will be your monthly benefit. If the remainder is zero or less, you aren’t eligible for SSI.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If the remainder is more than the maximum federal SSI rate for an individual, $750, then you will receive only $750. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <b style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Examples of Spousal Income Deeming</b><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Here are a few examples to give you an idea of whether your husband or wife's income might make you ineligible for SSI.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><u>Spouse’s salary $15,600 per year, no children</u></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Your husband makes $1,300 per month by working and has no other income, and you have no other income and no children. About $607 per month of your husband’s income will be deemed to you [$1,300-$85]/2). You would be eligible for SSI, but you would only get about $518 per month, less than the federal maximum benefit of $750.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><u>Spouse’s salary $30,000 per year, no children</u></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Say your wife makes $2,500 per month at her job and has no other income, and you have no other income and no children. You have been approved for SSI. About $1,208 per month of your wife’s income will be deemed to you ([$2,500-$85]/2). Subtracting that amount from the couple’s SSI rate of $1,125 leaves you with nothing. You would not be eligible for SSI because of your wife’s income.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><u>Spouse’s salary $30,000 per year, two children</u></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Your wife makes $2,500 per month at her job and has no other income. You have no other income but you have two children (without an income of their own). About $833 of your wife's income will be deemed to you ([$2,500-$375-$375-$85]/2). Subtracting this amount from the couple’s maximum SSI payment of $1,125 would give you about $292 in SSI benefits.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><u>Spouse’s salary $15,600 per year, two children</u></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Your husband makes $1,300 per month through work, and you have two minor children living with you. You don't have any income of your own. Only about $233 of your husband’s income will be deemed to you. Subtracting this amount from the couple’s maximum SSI payment of $1,125 would give you about $892 in SSI, in theory. However, you can never get more than the $750 federal maximum for SSI (unless there is a state supplement), so your monthly payment would be $750. You can see here that because of your children, your husband’s income isn’t actually deemed to you at all.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Note that these are rough calculations for the purpose of illustration; the SSA's formula can get a bit more complicated, particularly if you also have earned income or you or your spouse also has unearned income, or any impairment-related work expenses. In addition, the calculations change in states that add on a supplementary payment to SSI. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Both you and spouse receiving SSI</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If both you and your fiancé (or fiancée) are receiving SSI benefits, the amount you receive will be reduced after marriage to match the couple's SSI monthly benefit amount – that is, assuming you and your spouse are still eligible for benefits. When both spouses are disabled, they must both meet the financial eligibility requirements for a couple. Their income is counted together, without using the deeming formula. If they make under the required amount, they would get the couples rate for SSI ($1,125 in 2018).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Call the SSA at (800) 772-1213 for help determining whether your fiancé or fianceé's deemed income is likely to make you ineligible for SSI.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Parent's SSDI and Marriage</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Adults Disabled Before Age 22</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">An adult disabled before age 22 may be eligible for "child's benefits" if a parent is deceased or starts receiving retirement or disability benefits. We consider this a "child's" benefit because it is paid on a parent's Social Security earnings record.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The "adult child"—including an adopted child, or, in some cases, a stepchild, grandchild, or stepgrandchild—must be <u>unmarried</u>, age 18 or older, and have a disability that started before age 22.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Children who became disabled prior to the age of twenty-two are eligible to continue to draw SSDI benefits based on their parent’s earnings record. This is usually a higher amount than SSI (your child will only receive whichever is higher). So if either parent is retired or on SSDI look into this!</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If you receive SSDI benefits under an eligible parent's record, <b>getting married will cause your benefits to be terminated.</b> </span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This also applies to individuals who receive SSDI on the record of a deceased ex-spouse who remarry before age 50 if disabled, and before age 60 if not disabled</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>How We Handled It -</b></span> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Kitty was more focused on the fun part of planning a wedding than the marriage, so </span>I convinced her to have a <u>commitment ceremony</u> instead of a legal marriage. She could still wear a wedding dress and have her fantasy Alice in Wonderland wedding- on a budget of course<br />
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Our state allows common-law marriages so I'll have to remind her to be very careful in how she presents herself.<br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>More on SSI:</b><br /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/10/applying-for-ssi-for-your-adult-child.html" target="_blank">Getting SSI for Your Adult Child </a></span><br />
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<br />marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-9592564888405454392018-12-08T14:11:00.005-06:002021-10-27T01:26:07.926-05:00Finding and Funding RTC/ RTF Residential Psychiatric Care<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><em style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><strong style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">What is Psychiatric residential treatment?</strong></em></span><br />
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;">When an individual’s mental health treatment needs exceed the type of treatment that is available in inpatient care (such as psychiatric hospitalization), then residential treatment might be the recommended "next step up." </span></span><br />
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;">RTC - Residential Treatment Center</span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;">RTF - Residential Treatment Facility</span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;">PRTF - Private Residential Treatment Facility</span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="background-color: white;">...</span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="background-color: white;">Whatever you call it, they all mean the same thing. </span><br />
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="background-color: white;"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">What is the difference between RTC and inpatient treatment?</span></i></b></span><br />
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><i>Inpatient treatment</i></b> in a hospital unit is an extremely intensive treatment that offers strict 24-hour care and round-the-clock medical monitoring for individuals who may not be safe to be left alone. The goal of inpatient treatment is to stabilize acute symptoms, develop a treatment plan, and (hopefully) get the individual into a long-term program. For instance, inpatient treatment programs and psychiatric wards are more likely to handle issues with acute suicidality than residential treatment programs. Once it is believed that the individual’s issues with potential suicidal ideation have been resolved, they can be transferred to a different environment, such as residential treatment.</span><br />
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><i>Residential treatment programs</i></b> are typically not located in the psychiatric wings of hospitals but in more homelike settings. The level of supervision is a step down from inpatient treatment in a psychiatric unit. </span><br />
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<ul>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><u>Short-term residential treatment programs</u></b> - Short-term residential treatment programs provide very intensive but brief interventions. Often, these programs last several days to six weeks, depending on the intervention and the client's needs.</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><u>Long-term residential treatment programs</u> - </b>Long-term residential treatment programs may last 6-12 months. Individuals in these programs often have very severe issues, including significant psychological/psychiatric issues, substance abuse issues, and tendencies toward self-harm or harming others, etc. <br /><br />Treatment is highly structured, depending on the needs of the individual and the particular type of issues the program specializes in treating. For instance, some of these programs cater to individuals involved in the criminal justice system; some cater to individuals with psychotic disorders; some cater to those with personality disorders, etc.<br /><br />Comprehensive interventions are delivered in these environments that can include the use of medications and therapy as well as support services aimed at job training, tutoring, speech therapy, etc. By their very nature, these programs must have modifications to treat individuals who have special needs. In some cases, clients may stay extremely long periods of time, or their stay may be permanent, depending on their level of disability.<br /><br /><u>Therapeutic communities: </u>Therapeutic communities are long-term residential treatment programs where clients and treatment providers live within the residence. These programs typically focus on re-socializing individuals as the major form of intervention and are designed to help clients develop attitudes, self-concepts, and behaviors that are constructive, allowing them to accept responsibility for themselves and lead productive lives. </span></li>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lagunatreatment.com/residential-treatment/different-types/" target="_blank">What Are The Different Types of Residential Treatment Programs</a>?</div>
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b><i>What do they do in an RTC?</i></b></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Residential treatment programs provide a variety of different services, including medical management (medications from a physician and treatments from other medical professionals like nurses), group therapy, individual therapy, social support group participation, and other types of specific treatment interventions. For children, RTCs often have onsite school programs although some bus their clients to local public schools.</span><br />
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Residential treatment programs may specialize in the </span><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;">type of treatment they provide. Some facilities are basically "holding pens," some focus on diagnostics and medication, others are focused on DBT therapy or other types of therapy, job training... </span><br />
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white;">Most residential treatment facilities are not just for mental health treatment. Some also treat </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">chemical dependency, substance abuse, and co-occurring mental health conditions. There are some that focus exclusively on neuropsychiatric treatment and a few specialize in children with reactive attachment disorder or other trauma issues. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Most facilities either work with either children or adults, not both, some focus exclusively on adolescents.</span></span><br />
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<b><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><a href="http://confessionsofanadoptiveparent.com/am-i-a-failure-for-placing-my-child-in-residential-treatment/" target="_blank">Am I A Failure For Placing My Child in Residential Treatment?</a> </span></b><br />
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<i><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">"We once told a person, who questioned our decision to place our son in residential treatment, that if he had a terrible illness or disease and we were told the only cure for him was to drain our savings account, fly to Australia, and see a specialist who could give us a cure, we would. In a heartbeat, no questions asked!</span></i></blockquote>
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<i><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Why? Because we love our son. Our heart to help him heal, leads us to fight tooth and nail for him. We envision a day where he leads others, helps others, and gives back to the world in some amazing way. In order to help him get to that place tomorrow, we must fight today.</span></i></blockquote>
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<i><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">I’ve seen it in the eyes of a thousand parents I’ve talked to over the past few years- passion for their child. A belief that their current choices are not the end of their story. We’ve read it in the millions of words some of you have written in the comments on our blog or on our Facebook Page- a hopeless, empty, even terrified feeling over your child’s extreme behavior. But a willingness to fight. A belief in tomorrow. An “I’m not quitting” mentality.</span></i></blockquote>
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><i>Was the choice to take our son to residential treatment difficult? Absolutely! Did his choices lead him there? You bet! </i><b style="font-style: italic;">Does it mean we are failures for making that choice? Not in a million years! ~ </b>Mike Berry</span></blockquote>
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><br /></span><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><br /></b><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Is Residential Psychiatric Treatment (RTC) what your child needs?</b> </span></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><em><b>This is a great post about what RTC can't do (I don't necessarily agree with all of it. I do believe RTC can provide some solutions, but in general it is NOT going to solve all your child's problems).</b></em> <a href="http://fletcherclan.blogspot.com/2012/03/myths-about-residential-treatment.html">http://fletcherclan.blogspot.com/2012/03/myths-about-residential-treatment.html</a></span><br />
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><br /></b><b><span style="font-size: large;">How Do I Find Residential Treatment?</span></b></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">We've had quite a bit of experience with RTCs due to our severely mentally ill, lots of trauma issues, adopted children. The main thing to remember is that you have the right to "shop around." for a provider and you have the right to work closely with them. Here's what we do:</span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><br /></span><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>Prequel:</b> Before you start the RTC process, you need to have documentation showing that your child NEEDS this level of care. For us, this meant repeated psych hospitalization, psychiatrist recommendations, therapist recommendations... The best thing you can do is <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/03/document-document-document.html" target="_blank"><b>Document! Document! Document!</b></a> and keep it<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/02/organize-how-do-you-keep-school-stuff.html" target="_blank"> <b>Organized </b></a>and easy to access.</span></span><br />
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<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>Check with your insurance to see what they'll cover and their requirements.</b> Our kids were on state Medicaid and our state doesn't cover RTC, but we were able to get funding from the state we adopted through (because a friend had warned me to have it written into our adoption subsidies). We had private insurance at one point and they had a bunch of hoops to jump through first (getting our child declared to have an SMI - serious mental illness; repeated psych hospitalizations and other outpatient stuff first... they would only pay for 4 days of RTC for my son because we didn't do all of their steps.</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>RECOMMENDATIONS!</b> Ask your therapists, psych hospital social worker, psychiatrist, post on places like this... every RTC is different in what they provide and what they're good at, and of course your child's needs are individual too. Insurance companies will sometimes give you a list, but be sure to check it out yourself.</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>Check the REVIEWS Check the State Licensing Board.</b> In our state, it's called the Department of Family, Protective, and Regulatory Services (or something like that). They have an ONLINE evaluation of ALL places they regulate (I use it for childcare facilities too). They record ALL deficiencies (this can be injury or even death of a child, cleanliness of the facility, record keeping...). I also enter the name of the facility online with the word review. I've found some things that way that didn't make it to the licensing reports.</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>Have a written list of questions to ask of each facility.</b><br />Some of our questions:</span></li>
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<ul>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Do you take our insurance?</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">What age children do you take?</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">What is the average length of stay?</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">What does the typical client there look like (aggressive, mostly male, most of the kids are there for substance abuse, kids with primarily behavior problems....)?</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">What type of therapy do you provide?</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">How familiar are the therapists/ psychiatrists/ staff with trauma issues (PTSD, RAD/ attachment issues, Borderline Personality Disorder...) Will they try to facilitate attachment to the family, or to themselves?</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">My child has unusual or special modifications/ accommodations _________ (blind, uses a wheelchair, sexually reactive, afraid of the dark, intellectually disabled, needs to be in small groups...), how would you handle these?</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">What are the education/ experience/ training requirements for staff? What is the staff turnover rate?</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">What happens if my child becomes violent or non-compliant?</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">How will you protect my child from other children's behaviors?</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">What happens if my child's behavior, health, or other issues change or escalate?</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Do the kids attend the local public school or is there a charter school on campus?</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">How receptive are the therapist, staff, and psychiatrist to communicating with me?</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">How do you keep us (family) informed about what's going on with my child?</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">What type of communication and visitation policy do you have? What does that look like?</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">In what areas are the family expected to be involved (family therapy, as part of the treatment team, staffings... ?) In what areas are parents <i>allowed</i> to be involved? </span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">What kind of testing/evaluations do you do?</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">What types of health care professionals do you have on staff? (psychiatrists, therapists, nurses, doctors...) </span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Is the psychiatrist conservative or progressive with medications?</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Can you accommodate my child's food/seasonal allergies or other health issues?</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">What happens if my child gets sick or injured? Where do they go if they need medical care not provided by the facility?</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Can you get me a copy of the manual about how things work there (usually has info on visitation, dress code, level systems...) before we commit?</span></li>
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">5) <b>Check out the facility yourself.</b> </span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">I went to a facility that during the interview process actually asked me the following questions! </span><br />
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"></span></b></span><blockquote><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">First question: </span></b> </span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Random caseworker - "Our facility has a large minority population. Are you OK with that?"</span> <span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Me - "Yes, my son prefers this."</span> </span><br />
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>SECOND question (<i>I kid you not!</i>)</b>: </span> <br /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">CW: "Your son will be on a ward for aggressive boys (<i>Bear was very aggressive due to his undiagnosed bipolar disorder among other severe issues</i>). <b><span style="font-size: large;">are you OK with him getting beaten up every day?</span></b> </span> <span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">My answer was <i>NO!! </i>by the way, and we did NOT take him to this facility, which has since closed its doors.</span> </span></blockquote><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><br /></span></span><br />
<b><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">Finding a Residential Treatment Center (RTC)</span></b><br /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Two free resources to match RTC's with funding options and children's needs. I have not used their services but they came from a good source </span><div><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><a href="http://www.kidlinktreatmentservices.com/">http://www.kidlinktreatmentservices.com/</a></span><div><a href="https://childresidentialtreatment.com/reactive-attachment-disorder-treatment-centers/">https://childresidentialtreatment.com/reactive-attachment-disorder-treatment-centers/</a></div><div><br /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>Some Ideas:</b></span></div><div><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><u>Texas-based</u> - <br />Youth for Tomorrow</b> <a href="http://www.yft.org/">http://www.yft.org/</a> A not-for-profit behavioral health care company in Texas service locator for public agency children in need of residential services. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Barlow; font-size: 15px;">Children who may be emotionally disturbed, mentally retarded, chemically dependent, medically fragile or developmentally delayed, or involved in the juvenile justice system. Texas Medicaid does not cover residential treatment so this agency can help those needing sliding-scale fees. </span></div><div><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>Texas Provider Locator </b>- <a href="https://www.yft.org/tncinfo2/tncinfo3.htm" target="_blank">https://www.yft.org/tncinfo2/tncinfo3.htm</a><br /><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><u>Trauma-Informed</u></b></span></div><div><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>CALO - </b></span><a href="https://caloprograms.com/">https://caloprograms.com/</a> Treats students (9 to 18yo) and families impacted by traumatic experiences which occurred in the developmental period</div><div><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>Chaddock</b> - <a href="https://www.chaddock.org/">https://www.chaddock.org/</a> Treatment of children suffering from the psychological, emotional, and spiritual effects of significant abuse, neglect, and trauma. </span></div><div><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><u>Neurobehavioral</u><br />Meridell Achievement Center</b> <a href="https://meridell.com/" target="_blank">https://meridell.com/ </a> - specializes in neuropsychiatric and neurobehavioral treatment for patients ages 11 to 17.</span></div><div><br /></div><div><u><b>Sexual Behavior Problems</b></u></div><div>Contact the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers (ATSA) <a href="https://www.atsa.com/">https://www.atsa.com/</a> for referrals.</div><div><a href="https://www.pineyridge.net/" target="_blank"><b>Piney Ridge Treatment Center</b></a> RTC and Group Home - includes help for children with sexual behavior problems.</div><div><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><br /></span><a href="http://www.magellanhealth.com/media/876271/childrens_residential_white_paper_2008.pdf"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>Info about what makes an RTC a good place.</b></span></a></span><br />
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<b><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">Getting Funding for RTC</span></b><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><br /></b><b>Where is your child adopted from?</b> (International, Private Adoption, Domestic Foster Care, Out of State Foster Care...). This can affect your options/ resources.</span><br />
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<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>Be prepared for a fight.</b> </span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>Your child's School District may help</b>. If a child is in a residential program, the school system must pay the cost to educate them, but this is expensive, so getting them to admit your child needs care they cannot provide is often a battle that requires a <u>special education advocate/ attorney</u>. </span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>Private health insurance</b> generally covers residential treatment, as long as you meet their requirements. For this, I highly recommend you <b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/03/document-document-document.html" target="_blank">Document! Document!! Document!!!</a> </b>Generally, your child must have a diagnosed Severe Mental Illness (SMI), and have stepped up through repeated psychiatric hospitalizations, intensive outpatient (IOP) aka partial day hospitalization(PDH), and of course have an RTC recommendation from a psychiatrist. Don't be surprised if insurance will only pay for a short period of hospitalization<br /><b style="font-style: italic;">{We had a child hospitalized 6 times in a 3 month period, did 2 months in an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program/ Partial Day Hospitalization), and had 2 psychiatrists recommend RTC, but was only covered for </b><b><u>8 days</u></b><b style="font-style: italic;"><u> </u>of RTC - even though she was still suicidal and the extensive neuropsychiatric testing (which this RTC specialized in) took </b><b><u>2 weeks!</u></b><b style="font-style: italic;"><br />Luckily, in our case, the RTC actually covered the remaining week it took to get the testing finished. I know the RTC hoped to win an appeal to the insurance to be reimbursed, but they lost. Luckily for us (although unluckily for them), we were not required to reimburse them.}</b> </span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>Medicaid</b>. If your child has Medicaid, some state's Medicaid covers RTC - many do not. In Texas, RTC is covered for children in foster care, but not for children who have been adopted from foster care, even if they are still on Medicaid. This is why many families are forced to do Joint Conservatorship.</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>Joint Conservatorship</b>. Putting a child into foster care so the state will pay for mental health services. <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-related-books.html" target="_blank">Second Time Foster Child by Toni Hoy</a> gives a little more info on this. - It is not an easy road, but a lot of states are working on improving the legislation that makes it legal. (Ex. currently, many states might pursue you for child abandonment if you refuse to pick up an unsafe child from the hospital). You may be responsible for paying for the child to be in foster care (ex. if you receive an adoption subsidy from that state, this may be suspended while the child is receiving support outside your home).</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>Other Programs</b>. Every state is different. Ask around. Start making phone calls. Get online. Talk to your school district, adoption support groups, <a href="https://www.nami.org/" target="_blank">National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), </a>your government representatives, psychiatric hospitals, community support programs... </span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>State Representatives</b>. Try contacting your state representative for help.</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>Private pay. </b>Unfortunately, sometimes this is the only option. If you work directly with the RTC, they may be willing to work with you on discounted rates and/or financing for out-of-pocket treatment.</span></li>
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<b><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Foster Care Adoption:</span></b><br />
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<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b> Adoption Agreement</b>. When drafting an adoption agreement, you can request adding a clause to cover RTC if you are unable to find alternate funding. <b><i>{We adopted children from another state's foster care and went this route.}</i></b></span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b> Post Adoption Services. </b>Contact your adoption caseworker and keep calling up the chain until you get someone who can help you. Sometimes saying you have no choice but to relinquish (even if untrue) might help get someone to listen.</span></li>
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b>What happens if you don't pick up your child from RTC?</b></span></div>
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Sometimes our child is unsafe, to himself or others. Bringing the child home could endanger you and/or other members of the household but your funding is running out and they or the courts or some professional is telling you that you must take your child home or be charged with child abandonment.</span></div>
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<b><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Child Abandonment Laws</span></b></div>
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Laws regarding child safety and welfare, abandonment, and abuse vary from state to state, though in most states child abuse and child abandonment laws go hand-in-hand. In many states, child abandonment is considered a felony, even if the child has not been physically harmed by the abandonment. Other states classify child abandonment as a misdemeanor unless specifics of the crime suggest it should be raised to the level of a felony.</span></div>
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Criminal child abandonment is often defined as physically leaving a child somewhere, though it may also include failing to provide for the child’s basic needs, such as shelter, food, clothing, and medical care. </span></div>
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>Some things to think about if you're thinking about refusing to pick up your child from the hospital/ residential treatment facility (RTC/ RTF)</b>:</span></div>
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<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">If insurance or other funding will only pay for a certain number of days and then their plan is to send the child home ready or not. I'd take what I could get and hope that the child showed his/ her "true colors" during the time he or she is there (you can also "poke the bear" - aka deliberately trigger the child while the child is in care so that others see what's going on at home where the child is no longer "honeymooning"). <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/if-you-find-out-im-not-perfect-youll.html" target="_blank"><b><i>Acting Differently with Others</i></b></a></span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">This also provides important documentation from an outside source that might help confirm that the child is unsafe to be back in the home. <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/03/document-document-document.html" target="_blank"><b><i>Document, Document, Document!</i></b></a></span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Can you refuse to take the child home until they have a working crisis plan/ viable option for how to keep everyone safe?</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"> Will he/ she be all sweetness and light and deny everything at an intake or when it comes time to discharge from the facility?<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/03/document-document-document.html" target="_blank"> <b>Documentation</b> </a>might be able to counteract some of this. </span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Do you have other children who will be in danger of being removed if you take the abandonment charges? </span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Do you have careers that will be damaged if you take abandonment charges? (social worker, childcare provider, police officer, or other helping services)</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Pick the child up and go straight to an acute care facility. This could potentially buy you 4-10 days - more time to find an alternate solution.</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Are there other possible living alternatives? Group home, boarding school, with a friend or family member, staying with one parent while the other parent is with the other children (not ideal at all, but it works for some families)... try thinking outside the box.</span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Is therapeutic foster care an option? </span></li><li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Look into Voluntary Placement Agreement or </span><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Joint Managing Conservatorship with the state? This is a little like placing your child into state foster care so your child will have access to mental health services but unlike foster care, you have a lot more say in your child's life - like being able to work together with the state to find a facility that will work for the child. </span><a href="https://www.dfps.state.tx.us/handbooks/cps/files/CPS_pg_6800.asp" target="_blank">https://www.dfps.state.tx.us/handbooks/cps/files/CPS_pg_6800.asp </a></li><li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">What about facilities like Methodist Children's Home? <a href="https://www.mch.org/">https://www.mch.org/</a> </span></li>
<li><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Look for places that can help you find and access community resources. Unfortunately, finding programs can be difficult now that they're more decentralized.<br /><b>MHMR (Mental Health Mental Retardation)</b> There used to be MHMRs in every state and most counties, but to be more politically correct or something, each one chose a new name. The advantage of the internet is that if you enter "MHMR and your county and state name" you will usually get the new name of your local MHMR. These programs offer sliding-scale mental health services including case management, therapists, psychiatrists.<br />Many times national programs will have state and local branches.<br /><b>Parent to Parent</b> (<a href="https://fndusa.org/contact-us/programs/parent-to-parent/">https://fndusa.org/contact-us/programs/parent-to-parent/</a>) Provides emotional & informational support for families of children who have special needs.<br /><b>NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness</b> - <a href="https://www.nami.org/">https://www.nami.org/</a> An association of hundreds of local affiliates, state organizations, and volunteers who work in communities to raise awareness and provide support and education that was not previously available to those in need.</span></li>
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">If you have any suggestions, resources, and/or clarifications for funding sources - please comment and I'll add them to the list!</span><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><br /></span></span></div></div>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-82495793203978973882018-09-20T14:20:00.000-05:002018-10-06T15:28:07.068-05:00Advocating - Some Notes<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">ADVOCATING</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3sUstlM3qVFAt8bs8t99nWxAnp263oT36INo2fnh55tf1dZrlNrzDaKAWiqtueVh2KgGS83WI1Y4iDQPTjoYsoUV18HH93FHhGWPEZFyYDDlIBIsICuvn33w30exeK8Jln6lVdJlwPXuc/s1600/wonderwomanIEP.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="641" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3sUstlM3qVFAt8bs8t99nWxAnp263oT36INo2fnh55tf1dZrlNrzDaKAWiqtueVh2KgGS83WI1Y4iDQPTjoYsoUV18HH93FHhGWPEZFyYDDlIBIsICuvn33w30exeK8Jln6lVdJlwPXuc/s320/wonderwomanIEP.jpg" width="319" /></a></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Presentation means a LOT. How you present yourself strongly affects how others respond to what you have to say.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i style="color: #222222;">"People decide in seconds whether or not to take you seriously,</i><span style="color: #222222;">” says Margaret A. Neale, Ph.D. So the next time you are faced with a pushy doctor or a IEP “team,” </span><b><span style="color: red;">sit tall with your chest open and your shoulders back</span></b><span style="color: #222222;">. Research shows it’ll give you confidence and may even alter your body’s chemistry in a way that helps you feel less stressed and more powerful. ~ REDBOOK August 2015.</span></span></blockquote>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzTtm0acu34V6JyIiSUU3UT3ZpNn3gA9P47L5pY0KOupGENP2G_tuj9X70OX9_ZuIbKEhtF5R7WWNoZTZxK47hgrzzkzqGuyM5dGyxrAJXcOxWdjkylPkeePZtJhoU2o7w4zm5KdrKxAaj/s1600/kick+ass.jpg" style="background-color: white; clear: right; color: #0b5394; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzTtm0acu34V6JyIiSUU3UT3ZpNn3gA9P47L5pY0KOupGENP2G_tuj9X70OX9_ZuIbKEhtF5R7WWNoZTZxK47hgrzzkzqGuyM5dGyxrAJXcOxWdjkylPkeePZtJhoU2o7w4zm5KdrKxAaj/s320/kick+ass.jpg" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 1px solid rgb(238, 238, 238); box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.1) 1px 1px 5px; padding: 5px; position: relative;" width="320" /></span></a><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-size: large;">Physical appearance</span> </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">– Good impressions are important. I always dress fairly professionally. Not necessarily in a business suit, but usually a blazer (most of the time in hot pink or red!) over dark jeans or slacks. Something that makes me feel confident and attractive. I always wear makeup and do my hair.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-size: large;">Attitude</span> </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">– Stay calm and carry a big stick. I try to always stay calm, pleasant/friendly, professional, respectful, and show empathy for the stress the other person is dealing with (acknowledging that they have to balance the needs of many children and yes, this IEP meeting </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">is</i><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> running long). I also love to take my husband or a pushy advocate so they can get angry and demanding where needed (not that I can do it!) and I don’t have to lose my credibility as a competent, confident, rational professional – (unfortunately, that’s very easy to lose).</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-size: large;">Helpful</span></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- I want teachers to know that I’m an involved parent (especially because my children tend to be prone to telling stories about how we abuse them and other reasons why they aren't able to do what's asked of them - ex. Bear told his teachers he was on a bender for all of Spring Break with his girlfriend in a city hours away. In addition to sending out the </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/07/new-school-year-letters.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-decoration-line: none;">New School Year Letters</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> at the beginning of the year, I also try to find time to do some volunteer work and get to know the teachers better.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Persuasive</span></b> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">- </span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We need people on our (and our child's side). If we want them to do something for us we need to be persuasive</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Know exactly what you want</b>, and keep meetings/ discussions on topic and focused on that goal. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Leave out everything else </b>(KISS - Keep It Short and Simple)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Think about it from your audience's perspective. </b></span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">What are their goals and motivations? (Getting home on time, keeping students safe, liability/ protecting the school, protecting their image of themself<span style="color: #222222;"> as a good person...</span></span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222;">Say it in a way that will speak to your readers. </span></span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="color: #222222;">Look for ways to m</b><b style="color: #222222;">ake them want to do what you want them to do.</b></span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Make it clear and easy to do what you want them to do.</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Use words that inspire enthusiasm or make them feel better about themselves. </span></li>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>Instead of: </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>"Forgive me for being blunt, but at the end of Bear's junior year in high school as I look at Bear’s declining grades and spotty attendance over the last semester, send yet another e-mail, leave yet another unreturned message with the Associate Principal and [BEHAVIOR PROGRAM] office, talk to yet another counselor or [BEHAVIOR PROGRAM] Aide, talk to yet another teacher about major projects Bear hasn’t even worked on… knowing that none of my repeated requests for assistance with Bear’s steadily declining behavior are being addressed, especially now that there’s little more than a week of school left… I’m feeling a little FRUSTRATED, to say the least. I am therefore officially requesting an immediate IEP meeting."</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Try This:</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"I am concerned that Bear is a danger to himself and others. I am officially requesting an IEP meeting."</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span> <span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>Instead of:</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>"Kitty was sick a lot during the last 6 weeks. She's missing assignments and not prepared for the test tomorrow. You need to simplify or drop the missing assignments. Obviously, she can't take the test tomorrow. What are you going to do to fix this?"</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Try This:</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"I'm hoping you can help Kitty. She's missed a lot of classes due to serious illnesses. She's working hard to catch-up in your class (and all others) but unfortunately will not be ready for the test tomorrow. She plans to attend your scheduled tutorial hours after school. Do you have any additional ideas/ suggestions on how we can handle this?</span><br />
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<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2018/08/how-to-get-your-document-read.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">How to Get Your Document Read - Persuasive Writing</span></a></h3>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As parents of special needs kids, we write all the time. Quick emails, formal documentation, requests/ demands for services or resources... how many times do you feel like they just stuck your document in the round file?<br /></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqgcIHRm5L8gjVcxZQEGbfFIU7V45zqjnRZOY7I-KtBfl2tV4AAXkeRlez6El_iEF30yz_wFVaISUMQXoYzUbKfYbhAb1xSznQ7DSPZwY1FZS30z21skvtyntBjMSDKKRB0TH72EQLwXdK/s1600/trashcan.jpg" style="color: #0b5394; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="768" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqgcIHRm5L8gjVcxZQEGbfFIU7V45zqjnRZOY7I-KtBfl2tV4AAXkeRlez6El_iEF30yz_wFVaISUMQXoYzUbKfYbhAb1xSznQ7DSPZwY1FZS30z21skvtyntBjMSDKKRB0TH72EQLwXdK/s320/trashcan.jpg" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 1px solid rgb(238, 238, 238); box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.1) 1px 1px 5px; padding: 5px; position: relative;" width="240" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br />This post has a lot of info on how to get your document read - </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small; text-decoration-line: none;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2018/08/how-to-get-your-document-read.html" style="text-decoration-line: none;">How to Get Your Document Read - Persuasive Writing</a></span></h3>
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<b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/03/document-document-document.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;">Document! Document!! Document!!!</a></span></span></b><br />
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<b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Documenting can help protect you from false allegations, get services for your child, and make sure chronic issues get addressed. </span></span></b></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">One thing I HIGHLY recommend to any parent dealing with children of trauma is to </span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/03/document-document-document.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;">DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT! </a></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">You've heard me say it before... I'll say it again, and again. It helps protect us, get services for our children, and refresh memories of past issues so you can see progress and make sure chronic issues get addressed correctly.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Ex. At an IEP meeting in November, the IEP team said Bear was doing so well that they wanted to move him full time from his structured, supportive special school to his home school (he'd been splitting his time between the two). It felt so wrong in every way, but I couldn't think of a single reason why not! </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Luckily, I took a minute to glance at my notes, and realized that only a couple of months before, Bear threatened a special ed student in the middle of class in front of everyone, took the girl's car keys, loaded her car with his friends and drove to a local fast food place, where he accidentally ran into their landscaping and wrecked the car (consequences for skipping class, driving without a license or permit, threatening a student, disrupting class, stealing and wrecking a car... none). The crazy thing was we ALL had forgotten this major incident!! (I think I was repressing it.)</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white;"><u>Put It In Writing! </u></b></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white;">When dealing with police, CPS, getting your child services and treatment, trying to get people to understand and believe you... </b></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white;">it's amazing what they'll believe when it's in writing, versus hearing it from the parent</b></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white;">- even if you're totally calm, logical, and professional when you speak </b></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white;">- even if they know you wrote it</b></span></span></blockquote>
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<b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Written Communication</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> –</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://www.wrightslaw.com/advoc/articles/Letter_to_Stranger.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;">Letter to a Stranger</a></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> - "When you write letters/emails, these letters will usually be read by strangers. Many important decisions about your child are made by strangers. What impression will your letter make on a stranger? Will the stranger see you as an angry, negative complainer? Or will the stranger see you as a rational, thoughtful parent who is expressing valid concerns? When you write letters, keep this "stranger" in your mind’s eye."</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Document Conversations:</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Especially when dealing with bureaucracy (like insurance or school!), try to keep as much communication as possible in writing (e-mails, notes, letters...). If the person insists on phone calls and face to face meetings, take detailed notes and IMMEDIATELY type up a transcript afterward with as MUCH detail as possible. One of the main things to remember about documentation is to do it as SOON as possible after an incident. Adrenaline and time really alter memories quickly. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Include names, titles, agencies and affiliations, DATES and TIMES! When you need documentation you can use these transcripts and they are MUCH more admissible then saying, "Well Ms. So and So said he was doing this a few weeks ago." Once again, people believe what they see in writing, and it gives more credibility and authority to your statement.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Instead of:</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> “I talked to someone about this a few days ago and she said… (something vague in support of what you want).</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Notes:</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> “21st of March at 2:15pm, I spoke on the phone to Ms. Smith, the head of the ARD Committee. We discussed Johnnie’s behavior during transitions times. Specifically, pushing Susie in the hall when she bumped in to him (3/19 at 1pm on the way to Music – observed by Mr. X), when lining up to go to recess running away from the teacher and found 20 minutes under Mr. E’s desk (3/17 from 2:20-2:40 – reported to Mom with a note in his homework folder on 3/18). Ms. Smith suggested that an option was to transfer Johnnie to Ms. Jones’ classroom 5 minutes before the bell rings so to reduce Johnnie’s stress during transfer times. Since many of these incidents were later in the afternoon, we discussed sending a high protein snack for Johnnie that could be given in the nurse’s office). We agreed that we would brainstorm other options and discuss this at the next ARD. Ms. Smith will make requests to Johnnie’s homeroom teacher, Mr. X the behavior aide and the assistant principal to bring options to the next ARD, which is on April 1st.”</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Confirmation in Writing:</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> Then I would email a summary to Ms. Smith (and copy everyone else that needs to know). “Dear Ms. Smith, I just wanted to confirm our discussion on 3/21/15 regarding Johnnie’s behavior during transitions. As agreed, you will contact Johnnie’s homeroom teacher, behavior aide and the AP regarding options that will help Johnnie access the least restrictive environment that meets his needs to successfully access his education. I look forward to receiving these options for my review before our next ARD scheduled on April 4th, so that we can discuss them and choose the best solutions for helping Johnnie be successful…”</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Incident Report:</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> Documentation protects you because many of our children will make false allegations and people (even ourselves!) forget or misplace information about incidents. This information may be needed to get the services our child needs.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">To protect all involved, I recommend writing an "Incident Report" and keeping it in a log, sending it in an e-mail to the child's therapist or whoever might keep track of the info, and/ or add it to the child's timeline:</span></span><br />
<ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;">
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Antecedent -</b> what was going on before the behavior or possible/probable triggers.</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>De-escalation -</b> what we said/ did to try to prevent the event (if we had time) - calming techniques</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Behavior/ Event -</b> with as much detail as possible</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Intervention -</b> what we did during and immediately after the event - how we tried to calm the child, confrontation, redirection, distraction, sitting with them, time-ins, holding, rocking.., </span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Follow-up -</b> how you processed what happened with the child. Injuries, damage, repairs needed/ made (emotionally and physically)... What consequences were given (if any)? Agencies contacted. Reports filed.</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b>Documentation Goes Both Ways! </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Use<i> their </i>documentation to hold them accountable and get services. I often took psych reports with recommendations to places like my child's school and demand that they put these accommodations into place or our insurance company and demand they pay for programs/ therapy that met these goals (such as Hippotherapy or an expensive RTC that specialized in DBT therapy). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I know that most of the psych eval recommendations were "cut and paste" crap, but I could still use them to my advantage.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> Example: </span></blockquote>
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<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A two-prong treatment approach that includes both individual and family therapy/ parent training is strongly recommended. Treatment will be best geared to concrete, face-valid, short term goals establishing control and adaptive coping behaviors. At this time, it is important that therapeutic work address establishing a solid </span><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">emotional vocabulary to help him directly express his feelings in an appropriate manner, developing emotional awareness...</span></span>... <span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">blah, blah, blah</span>...</li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I might use this recommendation to get:<br /><ul>
<li><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods_50.html" target="_blank">DBT therapy</a> versus whatever random talk therapy intern assigned to my child, because it specifically works on developing emotional awareness and vocabulary.</li>
<li>Forcing the school, adoption agency, or insurance company to find and fund an alternate placement for my child that can better help my child get the help he/ she needs such as finding an Alternate Placement (<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/12/crisis-plan-and-alternative-placement.html" target="_blank">Alternate Placement and Crisis Plans</a>) or an RTC (<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/03/where-to-begin-rtc-search.html" target="_blank">Finding and Funding an RTC</a>). </li>
<li>Even though this recommendation is talking more about therapeutic goals, I would probably use it to get IEP accommodations in the classroom that are focused on concrete, short-term (chunking) goals. Meaning, my child won't be handed a long-term project at the beginning of the year and expected to be able to complete it themselves. Instead, the assignment would be broken into steps and each step would have its own accountability.</li>
<li>I would also use it to get my child more emotional accommodations at school. Such as a quantifiable way for my daughter to let the school know she is experiencing anxiety or is feeling suicidal or like she wants to self-harm. <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/anxiety-scale.html" target="_blank">Anxiety Scale</a>. <a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/11/disagree.html" target="_blank">Crisis Plan</a>.</li>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Get ORGANIZED and keep EVERYTHING!</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> E-mails, school behavior reports, transcripts, psych evals, documents. Get letters from his doctors, caregivers, therapists... Get these Organized and keep them updated (you'd be amazed how many times the school will say, "Well we don't have access to, or record of, that, let's wait until it can be found..." When you open up your 3 ring binder and pull out a copy of your child's behavior reports, that medical report (that you had them put in to their records at his last IEP meeting), your list of topics you want to be discussed at the meeting (I usually send out a copy of this via email before the meeting and ask them to make a copy for everyone!)... it keeps them from slowing down the process.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/02/organize-how-do-you-keep-school-stuff.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;">3" 3 Ring Binder</a> </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">- I take this everywhere - school IEP meetings, doctor/psychiatrist appointments, anytime I'm going to have to fill out a ton of paperwork requesting my child’s history, dates, and dosages. I tend to keep these binders in my car in their own tote (more than 1 is too heavy!).</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Primarily I use a 3" 3 ring binder with front and back pockets and a clear covering that I can drop things into. It's divided into sections with tabs. I add to the sections by putting the most recent information in the front of each section.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">SPINE</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">- Label with the child's name - since I've got 2 kids), but I also made sure they were different colors so I could recognize a child's quickly.</span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">FRONT</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> Drop in business cards so they don't get lost.</span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">BACK</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> Add a photo of the child. I've found some people in the IEP meeting forget we're talking about MY child, so even though my child is usually present I find this important. I have a beautiful crayon sketch done by my mom of my daughter. For my son I have a photo of him.</span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">INSIDE</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> (I generally try to keep things in chronological order - most recent items in front - unless it's a summary or needs to be in the front because we use it a lot)</span></span><br />
<ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;">
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Front Pocket</b> - I keep a copy of the current IEP here since it's too big to fit in the binder sections.</span></li>
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>In Front.</b> <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/09/current-med-and-diagnoses-page.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;"><b>Current Meds and Diagnoses page</b></a>. I keep this one-page document updated and with me at all times. I also keep a copy in my purse. This summary has the child’s name, age, grade and where they go to school, IQ (if significant), current meds and dosages, current providers’ names and contact info (doc, therapist, pdoc…) and a list of diagnoses (with DSM V codes if possible) including, if needed, a brief summary as to how that looks in my child (ex. <b>294.9 Cognitive Disorder NOS </b>(deficits in processing speed, working memory, executive functioning, and visual memory) - <b>Cerebral Dysrhythmia (TBI) </b>– right temporal lobe. - which controls memory, hearing, understanding language (receptive language), organization, and sequencing.</span></li>
</ul>
<ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;">
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">NOTE: It's especially useful to have the Meds and Diagnoses page on hand when I need to fill out a health form for school, admittance forms for a psych hospital or residential treatment center, new therapist or medical practitioner forms, to give to police officers and to child protective service workers (when we're reported for child abuse by a child who makes false allegations).</span></li>
</ul>
<ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;">
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Blank ruled paper for notes.</span></li>
</ul>
<ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;">
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>TAB 1. Medical - </b>(this includes copies of discharge paperwork from psychiatric hospitalizations), a current med list, a med list with all the meds they've ever been on (including when they took it and why it was stopped - if I know), immunizations, hearing and vision, and reports in chronological order of any significant medical issues (surgeries, test results and reports...), most recent well check summary…</span></li>
</ul>
<ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;">
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>TAB 2. Psych evals -</b> (this includes the school version of a psych eval - called an FIE at our school). I like to use big paperclips to keep each report together rather than staples so they can be copied easily and so I can flip through quickly.</span></li>
</ul>
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>TAB 3. School - </b>this has copies of important e-mails, IEP meeting invitations, printed out attendance, behavior reports, grades... I keep the most recent IEP in a pocket in the front of the binder because it's WAAAYYYY too big to fit in the binder. I only have room to keep a "summary" of important stuff in there (she's had 6 IEP meetings this year), so older stuff from past school years usually gets filed away unless it's really significant. A copy of the Procedural Safeguards (just so they don’t have an excuse to try to give me yet another one).</span></li>
</ul>
<ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;">
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>TAB 4. Legal -</b> this is different per child. For my daughter we filed due process against the school (kind of like a lawsuit) so I keep this information here. Including recommendations of her therapists and psychiatrists regarding her school placement. For my son, it's more about his involvement in the judicial system. This would also be where we put Power of Attorneys, SSI paperwork, pretty much anything legal.</span></li>
</ul>
<ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;">
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>TAB 5. Adoption -</b> just some legal documents needed sometimes because our kids were teens when we finalized, their names are different on documents from before their adoption (my daughter's first AND last name changed from her birth name).</span></li>
</ul>
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>TAB 5. Work - </b>Now that my children have started working, we’ve replaced the adoption stuff and now have job search info, resumes, DARS information, pay stubs, Write Ups…</span></li>
</ul>
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Back Pocket - </b>odds and ends.</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">IN THE TOTE</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> - A separate file folder for "current stuff” - Stuff I haven't had time to hole punch, stuff that doesn't actually belong in the binders, info on programs we're considering, a calendar, "to do" stuff... whatever. A pencil bag with – pens, fidgets (for the kids), random stuff. A cheap hole punch. A photo “brag book.” A book for me to read (since I don’t have a smart phone!).</span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"></span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"></span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">ADVOCATING FOR <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/books-and-methods-review-school.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;">YOUR CHILD AT SCHOOL</a></b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">The most important thing I've learned is that my children need relationships and emotional healing WAAAYYYY more than they need an education. Think about it, do you really want to raise a well-educated psychopath?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">What Happens in School Stays in School. </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I'm a firm believer that what happens in school stays in school. We have enough problems with relationships at our house; I don't need to fight the school's battles as well. Advocate to make sure they get what they needed, but leave the rest to the school. Family relationships are way more important, and you're not able to work on that if you're fighting about school.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Homework is not YOUR problem</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">. If I force my kids to do their homework then in their mind it becomes MY problem (meaning no longer theirs!). Also, the school doesn't get an accurate picture of my child's issues (Like most kids of trauma, my children have severe executive functioning and memory issues, which means they canNOT get/stay organized. A lot of times my child understands the assignment at school but has forgotten it by the time they get home, or they can do something laid out very concretely, but in the homework, they are supposed to apply the knowledge they learned - which process to use - which they just can't do!). My son would act out to hide the fact that he couldn't, or didn't think he could, do his homework.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> I need the school to grasp and acknowledge my child's academic issues, and they won't get that if I walk my child through the homework. I do give my child adequate time to do homework and offer support and help (if they ask for it and remain respectful), but I will tell my child to put it down and walk away if it's obviously triggering him/her. Maybe I encourage them to come back later. Maybe not. It depends on what's best for the emotional health of the family as a whole.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Key Phrases to Help Your Child:</b></span><br />
<ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;">
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"My child has a right to a <b>Free and Appropriate Public Education (FAPE),</b> this (issue) is preventing him from being able to<b> access his/her education</b>." </span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"These behaviors are caused by my child's<b> Disability</b>. In accordance with the <b>Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA)</b>, My child cannot be <b>discriminated against/ punished/ reprimanded/ denied access to his FAPE</b> <b>for symptoms related to his Disability</b>."</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"My child has a right to be in the <b>Least Restrictive Environment (LRE).</b> The LRE for MY child to be able to learn and receive an education is in a smaller classroom with more <b>INDIVIDUAL</b> (one on one) attention. My child cannot learn in a large, chaotic environment like a general ed classroom therefore that is a MORE restrictive environment for my child and as such not <b>APPROPRIATE</b>." </span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://www.wrightslaw.com/" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;">Wrightslaw</a> </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">- go immediately to <a href="http://www.wrightslaw.com/">http://www.wrightslaw.com/</a> and become familiar with your child's rights!!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/07/new-school-year-letters.html"><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">New School Year Letters </span></b></a><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I write New School Year Letters at the beginning of the school year to alert the teachers and other people who deal with my children to the fact that I'm a concerned, loving, involved parent so if my children are doing something that seems "off" or inappropriate then it's probably related to their issues and not my parenting. ;)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">These </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">are</span> ONE-PAGE<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> letters </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">that I send out every school year to teachers and people who will be working with my child. This is a brief summary of my</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> </span>child <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">since most teachers don't have time to read a child's whole file. It gives tips on what works and what doesn't with my child, diagnoses and what they mean. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span> <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Most importantly, the letter gives them my contact information and lets them know that I am an involved parent. Hopefully it will keep the teacher from making assumptions about our family, believing the crazy lies my child tells (hopefully they’ll be more likely to verify with me before they call CPS), and be thoughtful about the assignments they give (asking us to send baby pictures, talk to an older family member about your life history, family tree… write a eulogy for Tweetie - for my child who just got out of the psych hospital for suicidal ideation, memorize a monologue called Men are Slime - for my child with men issues, read the Outsiders and watch the movie - so many triggers I can’t mention them all!)….</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">New School Year/ Changing Schools</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I've gone through this a couple of times. My best suggestion is to lay the cards on the table at the beginning (with as much in writing as possible because people believe what they read over what they hear). Be as clinical and matter-of-fact as possible. Tons of documentation to back you up but presented as briefly as possible. More of an outline so they can assimilate it quickly (they won't read more than a page at most) but making it obvious that there is documentation to back you up.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">You want them to see you as a professional and an ally. You need them to come to you if something seems off rather than believe the children's stories.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If your children don't already have IEPs and you think they qualify then I would get the ball rolling on getting the school's testing done immediately. That helps too because if they understand your children aren't the average neurotypical students then they're less likely to believe any tall tales.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Above all, keep up the documentation on your end because with our kids it's usually not a matter of "if" it's a matter of "when" you'll be reported to DCFS. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/03/document-document-document.html">Document! Document!! Document!!! </a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></b></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></b></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">ADVOCATING FOR YOUR "ADULT" CHILD</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"></span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Finding Services - </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Many high schools and other organizations offer Transition Services/Trainings, including things like Transition Fairs to parents of special education students and children with special needs. Check with your school's special education department (many have an organization for parents), check with other local and government organizations, google it... It's different for every state.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><a href="http://www.txp2p.org/docs/transition_inventory.pdf" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;">Transition Inventory</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> - This is specifically for the state of Texas, but some of the resources are national.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/10/applying-for-ssi-for-your-adult-child.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;">Getting SSI/ Medicaid for Your Adult Child </a></b></span><br />
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marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-88371345432989309202018-08-21T14:55:00.003-05:002018-11-05T09:31:19.734-06:00How to Get Your Document Read - Persuasive Writing<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As parents of special needs kids, we write all the time. Quick emails, formal documentation, requests/ demands for services or resources... how many times do you feel like they just stuck your document in the round file?</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqgcIHRm5L8gjVcxZQEGbfFIU7V45zqjnRZOY7I-KtBfl2tV4AAXkeRlez6El_iEF30yz_wFVaISUMQXoYzUbKfYbhAb1xSznQ7DSPZwY1FZS30z21skvtyntBjMSDKKRB0TH72EQLwXdK/s1600/trashcan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="768" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqgcIHRm5L8gjVcxZQEGbfFIU7V45zqjnRZOY7I-KtBfl2tV4AAXkeRlez6El_iEF30yz_wFVaISUMQXoYzUbKfYbhAb1xSznQ7DSPZwY1FZS30z21skvtyntBjMSDKKRB0TH72EQLwXdK/s320/trashcan.jpg" width="240" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Here's how to get your documents read:</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">First, what is the purpose of your document? </span></b></span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Persuasive/ Call to Action</span> (<i>You want someone to do something)</i></b><br />* Know exactly what you want, and write to that goal. <br />* Leave out <i><b>everything</b></i> else (KISS)<br />* Think about it from your audience's perspective. <br />_____What are <i>their</i> goals and motivations? <span style="color: red;">_____Say it in a way that will speak to your readers. Make them <i>want</i> to do what you want them to do.</span>_____Make it clear and easy to do what you want them to do.<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><br />_____Use words that inspire enthusiasm or make them feel better about themselves. </span><br /><br /><br />Instead of:<br /> “<i style="font-weight: bold;">Look at the school's policy on bullying,” </i><br />Try This: "Y<i style="font-weight: bold;">ou can help stop bullying in your school.</i>” <br /><br /><br />Instead of:</span> </span><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="font-weight: bold; text-align: left;">
"<i>Forgive me for being blunt, but at the end of Bear's junior year in high school as I look at Bear’s declining grades and spotty attendance over the last semester, send yet another e-mail, leave yet another unreturned message with the Associate Principal and </i><i>[<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">BEHAVIOR PROGRAM</span><span style="background-color: white;">] office, talk to yet another counselor or [</span><span style="background-color: white;">BEHAVIOR PROGRAM</span><span style="background-color: white;">] Aide, talk to yet another teacher about major projects Bear hasn’t even worked on… knowing that none of my repeated requests for assistance with Bear’s steadily declining behavior are being addressed, especially now that there’s little more than a week of school left… I’m feeling a little </span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: red;">FRUSTRATED</span></span><span style="background-color: white;"> to say the least.</span><b style="background-color: white;"> </b></i><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><i>I am therefore officially requesting an immediate IEP meeting.</i>"</b></blockquote>
<b> Try This:</b><br /><b>"</b><i style="font-weight: bold;">I am concerned that Bear is a danger to himself and others. I am officially requesting an IEP meeting.</i><b>"</b><br />Instead of:<br />"Kitty was sick a lot during the last 6 weeks. She's missing assignments and not prepared for the test tomorrow. We need you to simplify or drop the missing assignments. Obviously, she can't take the test tomorrow."<br /><br />Try This:<br />"Kitty needs your help! She's missed a lot of classes due to serious illnesses. She's working hard to catch-up in your class (and all others) but unfortunately will not be ready for the test tomorrow. She plans to attend your tutorial hours after school<br /><br /><b> </b><span style="font-size: large; font-weight: bold;"> <span style="color: red;">To learn more about the right way (and wrong way) to handle this in an IEP meeting,</span> <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/05/i-finally-hit-send.html" target="_blank">CLICK HERE</a>.</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Informative</span> - </b>Something you want to be read, but doesn't require immediate action on the part of the reader. <br /><b><span style="color: red;">*<span style="color: red;"> Keep this short and relevant if you want it to be read! </span><br />* One page at most.</span></b><br />Don't hand a teacher a book or a long article about RAD and expect him/ her to read it.<b> </b></span>Instead, give the teacher a short summary applicable to his/her needs. Include information about the book or article so the teacher can do more research if he/ she wishes. This also lets the teacher know this is not just your opinion.<br />Examples:</span> <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/09/current-med-and-diagnoses-page.html" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" target="_blank">One Page Summary of Your Child's Diagnoses and Issues</a><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">. </span> <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/07/new-school-year-letters.html" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" target="_blank">New School Year Letter</a><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> - to make sure everyone is on the same page.<br /><br /><br /><b style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman"; text-align: center;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It's always amazing to me what people will believe when it's in writing (vs hearing a parent say it) - no matter how super calm and logical you are)!</span></b></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Documenting</span></b> - Generally a CYA (Cover Your A$$) or to hold others accountable.<br />This will most likely just be stuck in your child's file, but it lets you say, "You were informed on such and such dates about each of these incidents." <br />Ex. Incident Reports</span><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; margin: 0px; position: relative;">
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">One of the main things to remember about documentation is to do it as <i>SOON </i>as possible after an incident. Adrenaline and time alter memories quickly. </span></b></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /><b>To document conversations and phone calls-</b><br />Send the people involved an email or letter (keep a copy) that puts what was said in writing.<br /><br />You can email a confirmation letter to the person you had the discussion with, and copy everyone that needs to know (which helps hold everyone accountable). <br /><br />Include bullet points about what each of us agreed to (especially if the other person is supposed to be doing something).</span><div style="text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Documenting can help protect you from false allegations, get services for your child, and make sure chronic issues get addressed. - <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/03/document-document-document.html" target="_blank">Document! Document! Document!)</a> </span></b></blockquote>
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<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Formal Request</span></b> - <b><i>Always</i></b> put requests <b>in writing, </b>especially when dealing with your child's <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/books-and-methods-review-school.html" target="_blank">School </a> (for assessments, for an IEP meeting or parent/ teacher conference, for a review of your child's file...) This is usually a requirement by the school, and it is needed to start the countdown. <br />Ex. Typically schools have 30 days to respond to a written request for an assessment.<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><b>Always Put It in Writing!</b></span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Venting</span> - </b>go crazy with this. Write as much as you want. Be emotional. YELL! Bitch. Whine. Complain. Tell them how they messed up and how it hurt you, your child, your family... Share it with your friends. Share it with your therapist. Use it as a basis for a persuasive letter, but most importantly. <br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><i>DO </i>NOT<i> SEND IT!!</i></span></b></div>
<b style="font-style: italic;">Ex. of a letter I should</b><b> not<i> </i></b><i style="font-weight: bold;">have sent - </i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/05/i-finally-hit-send.html" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">What My Child Learned From Not Getting Consequences in School.</a></span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">********</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">10 Key Points to Persuasive Writing </span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b><b>1. KISS (Keep it Short and Simple!)</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">What points do you NEED to make? Keep these simple and few.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If there are more than a couple of points than you can explain quickly and concisely think about separating them into more than one letter/ document.</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">2. People might read one page; they won't read a novel.</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">No rambling. No novels. No background information, unless it vital to what you want, and totally relevant. <b><i>{Yes, this is a case of do as I say, not as I do!}</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b><b>3. Lots of White Space and Headings</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">People skim. If a document looks like a War and Peace novel, they probably won't even read more than a sentence or two.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Break the information up into lots of little paragraphs rather than one or two long ones. This is not an English essay or a research paper! 2-3 sentences max.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">4. Know Your Audience</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Don't forget. Just because you're writing to your friendly caseworker, doesn't mean someone higher up isn't going to see this. You don't have to be formal, but skip the small talk and the backstory. You can do that on the phone (or not at all).</span><br />
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<a href="http://www.wrightslaw.com/advoc/articles/Letter_to_Stranger.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><b>"Letter to the Stranger"</b></span></a></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When you write letters to a school, these letters will often be read by strangers. Many important decisions about your child's education are made by strangers. What impression will your letter make on a stranger? Will the stranger see you as an angry, negative complainer? Or will the Stranger see you as a rational, thoughtful parent who is expressing valid concerns?</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When you write letters, keep this "stranger" in your mind’s eye. Who is the "stranger"? What does he look like? How does he think?</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Judges are strangers. Most judges aren’t knowledgeable about special education or children with disabilities. When you write letters, you are trying to educate and inform the "stranger."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- See more at:</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span><a href="http://www.wrightslaw.com/advoc/articles/Letter_to_Stranger.html#sthash.75iaZY63.dpuf" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">http://www.wrightslaw.com/advoc/articles/Letter_to_Stranger.html#sthash.75iaZY63.dpuf</a></blockquote>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Remember, when you CC: or BCC: people but start the email with "Dear Ms. So and So," the average person will ignore the email because they assume it wasn't written for them. </span></span></b></blockquote>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">(This is fine if you are just Documenting and only want it on record that they were informed).</span></span></b></blockquote>
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><br /></span>5. TMI - Anything You Say, Can and Will Be Held Against You</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This is not the place to vent or ask for emotional support. Always remember that if you show signs that you are struggling and/or failing, then that can be held against you. Rather than receive help, I've often felt judged and people unfairly use this information as an excuse to blame me for my children's issues and/ or blow me off as overemotional and overreacting. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Generally, people are looking for excuses not to help you. They'd rather say, you can't handle this child so we're moving him, or making you take parenting classes, or ignoring you... rather than spend time and money supporting you. I won't say that a lot of their decisions are made based on short-term goals and money, but it certainly feels that way, more often than not.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i>Do not share personal information! </i></b>I think we (especially women) tend to talk about our personal lives too often and to the wrong people and at the wrong time. A lot of times, we have to share intimate details of our lives with so many people (ex. home studies) that the lines have become blurred.</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>To be an effective advocate for ourselves and our children, we need to maintain professionalism at all times. This is true both in writing and in person.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #383838; font-family: "libre baskerville" , "georgia" , "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Social media has made it the norm to tell everybody everything. The problem is that people are forgetting where they are (not among friends) and whom they’re talking to (bosses, case managers, colleagues and the public, not their buddies). And even if they know it’s inappropriate to share certain personal information in a professional setting, they do it anyway because everyone else does. So they think it must be O.K. (it’s not), and they think that their boss, colleagues, members of their child's "team"... are really interested (they’re not).</span></span></blockquote>
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Paraphrased from <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/19/jobs/sharing-too-much-information-in-the-workplace.html" target="_blank">Thank You For Sharing. But Why at the Office?</a> </div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">6. How To Ask for Help</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If what you're asking for is support or help. Be very concrete and clear about your needs. <br /><u><br />Don't use emotionally-charged wording</u> (<i>"I want," "falling apart," "failing," "struggling," "please help"</i>...).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Instead, </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><u>Focus on what you want them to provide</u> (weekly in-home therapy, respite, residential treatment...). Talk about the immediate benefits to the child and the risks if you or your child don't receive these treatments. Be specific.</span></span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">7. Headlines</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Let's face it, headlines are important (Titles/ Email Subject Lines/ Document Headings). It doesn’t matter what you’ve written if people read the first sentence or two and then mosey on to something else because the words just didn’t catch their attention or they don't think it applies to them. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Obviously, what’s written after the headline matters too. Your headline should actually reflect what's in the document. <a href="http://www.beyondyourblog.com/quick-read-4-ways-to-hook-readers-and-editors-with-headlines/" target="_blank"> 4 Ways To Hook Readers With Headlines</a>. I often go back and write the headline/ title/ after I've written the whole document.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">8. Lists/ Bullet Points.</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A person is more likely to read a document if they can scan it quickly and know the:</span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Action Points</b> - allows the reader to quickly see what they need to do</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Succinct Summary</b> - quickly summarizes and organizes your reading points, </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Relevance</b> - allows the reader to decide whether or not the information is relevant to him/ her, </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Is it Worth Reading More?</b> - helps the reader decide if he/she should give you more than a few seconds of his/ her time. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Reminder </b>- so you can tell at a glance what tasks or info you need</span></li>
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The easier the document is to read, the more likely someone will do so!</span></b></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">9. Check for Spelling and Grammar mistakes</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Not only are they distracting to the reader, but they make you sound uneducated and therefore damage your credibility.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>10. </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> </span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Refine. Tweak. Tweak some more. Have someone else read it. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Done.</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">{An example of how NOT to write a letter. </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/05/i-finally-hit-send.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">I Finally Hit Send</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">. </span></i></b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Better, but still not effective. </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/05/revised-letter.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Revised Letter.</a></i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i>Actually sent version. <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/05/what-bear-has-learned-this-year.html" target="_blank">What Bear Has Learned This Year</a>}</i></b></span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">When you're requesting services, accommodations, and changes -</span></b></div>
<ul style="color: #222222; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;">
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><u>Put it in writing!</u></b> </span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><u>Stay calm and unemotional</u></b> - this is not the place to editorialize. </span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><u>Stick to the basic facts</u></b>. - Explanations and "backstory" can be discussed later. This is more like a police report - just the facts and nothing but the facts.</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><u>Know your child's rights and what they're entitled to </u></b>(Get familiar with Wright's Law and IDEA).</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><u>State your expectations <b><u>simply and plainly</u></b></u></b>.</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><u>Give deadlines and consequences.</u></b> </span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Be Aware - Example</b></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A school agreed to give a child an assessment to see if he qualified for additional services. The parent did not like one of the tools they were using to assess her child (an IQ test), because she felt it would not be accurate (the child had refused to participate in this type of testing before which skewed his score significantly). The parent informed the school she did not wish for them to use that particular assessment and revoked permission for that one test. The school documented this as the parent revoking permission for the entire assessment! Definitely not what the parent wanted! </span></blockquote>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Things to know about IEPs</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">You can <u>always </u>refuse to sign/ give permission. </span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>You can also <u>revoke</u> permissions previously granted.</b> </span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">You have the right to demand FAPE services for your child.</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If the school can't or won't provide a service (assessment, a one on one assistant, having a less/ more restrictive environment...), then you have a right to demand they pay for the service to be provided by an independent professional of your choosing. Unfortunately, you might need a Special Education or Attorney to back you up on this (it's often difficult to get money out of school districts!).</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">To learn more about how you can get your child services in School </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/books-and-methods-review-school.html" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" target="_blank">CLICK HERE</a><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">!</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><u>Ten Timeless Persuasive Writing Techniques </u></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Persuasion is generally an exercise in creating a win-win situation. You present a case that others find beneficial to agree with. You make them an offer they can’t refuse, but not in the manipulative Godfather sense.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It’s simply a good deal or a position that makes sense to that particular person.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But there are techniques that can make your job easier and your case more compelling. While this list is in no way comprehensive, these 10 strategies are used quite a bit because they work.</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i>Repetition</i></b><br />Talk to anyone well versed in learning psychology, and they’ll tell you repetition is crucial. It’s also critical in persuasive writing, since a person can’t agree with you if they don’t truly get what you’re saying. Of course, there’s good repetition and bad. To stay on the good side, make your point in several different ways, such as directly, using an example, in a story, via a quote from a famous person, and once more in your summary.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i>Reasons Why</i></b><br />Remember the power of the word because. Psychological studies have shown that people are more likely to comply with a request if you simply give them a reason why… even if that reason makes no sense. The strategy itself does make sense if you think about it. We don’t like to be told things or asked to take action without a reasonable explanation. When you need people to be receptive to your line of thinking, always give reasons why.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i>Consistency</i></b><br />It’s been called the “hobgoblin of little minds,” but consistency in our thoughts and actions is a valued social trait. We don’t want to appear inconsistent, since, whether fair or not, that characteristic is associated with instability and flightiness, while consistency is associated with integrity and rational behavior. Use this in your writing by getting the reader to agree with something up front that most people would have a hard time disagreeing with. Then rigorously make your case, with plenty of supporting evidence, all while relating your ultimate point back to the opening scenario that’s already been accepted.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i>Social Proof</i></b><br />Looking for guidance from others as to what to do and what to accept is one of the most powerful psychological forces in our lives. It can determine whether we deliver aid to a person in need, and it can determine whether we muster the courage to kill ourselves. Obvious examples of social proof can be found in testimonials and outside referrals, and it’s the driving force behind social media. But you can also casually integrate elements of social proof in your writing, ranging from skillful alignment with outside authorities to blatant name dropping.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i>Comparisons</i></b><br />Metaphors, similes and analogies are the persuasive writer’s best friends. When you can relate your scenario to something that the reader already accepts as true, you’re well on your way to convincing someone to see things your way. But comparisons work in other ways too. Sometimes you can be more persuasive by comparing apples to oranges (to use a tired but effective metaphor). Don’t compare the price of your home study course to the price of a similar course—compare it to the price of a live seminar or your hourly consulting rate.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i>Agitate and Solve</i></b><br />This is a persuasion theme that works as an overall approach to making your case. First, you identify the problem and qualify your audience. Then you agitate the reader’s pain before offering your solution as the answer that will make it all better. The agitation phase is not about being sadistic; it’s about empathy. You want the reader to know unequivocally that you understand his problem because you’ve dealt with it and/or are experienced at eliminating it. The credibility of your solution goes way up if you demonstrate that you truly feel the prospect’s pain.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i>Prognosticate</i></b><br />Another persuasion theme involves providing your readers with a glimpse into the future. If you can convincingly present an extrapolation of current events into likely future outcomes, you may as well have a license to print money. This entire strategy is built on credibility. If you have no idea what you’re talking about, you’ll end up looking foolish. But if you can back up your claims with your credentials or your obvious grasp of the subject matter, this is an extremely persuasive technique.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i>Go Tribal</i></b><br />Despite our attempts to be sophisticated, evolved beings, we humans are exclusionary by nature. Give someone a chance to be a part of a group that they want to be in—whether that be wealthy, or hip, or green, or even contrarian—and they’ll hop on board whatever train you’re driving. This is the technique used in the greatest sales letter ever written. Find out what group people want to be in, and offer them an invitation to join while seemingly excluding others.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i>Address Objections</i></b><br />If you present your case and someone is left thinking “yeah, but…”, well, you’ve lost. This is why direct marketers use long copy—it’s not that they want you to read it all, it’s that they want you to read enough until you buy. Addressing all the potential objections of at least the majority of your readers can be tough, but if you really know your subject the arguments against you should be fairly obvious. If you think there are no reasonable objections to your position, you’re in for a shock if you have comments enabled.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i>Storytelling</i></b><br />Storytelling is really a catch-all technique—you can and should use it in combination with any and all of the previous nine strategies. But the reason why storytelling works so well lies at the heart of what persuasion really is. Stories allow people to persuade themselves, and that’s what it’s really all about. You might say that we never convince anyone of anything—we simply help others independently decide that we’re right. Do everything you can to tell better stories, and you’ll find that you are a terribly persuasive person.</span></li>
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<b><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2018/09/advocating-some-notes.html" target="_blank">Advocating, Some Notes (Tips on Advocating for Your Child)</a></span></b><br />
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<br />marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-3747440953278796342018-04-26T22:12:00.000-05:002019-02-04T15:39:46.365-06:00When an Adult Child Moves Out<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Kitty has decided to move in with her boyfriend. I know it will not last (her relationship with him is already volatile) and she already feels guilty about moving in with a boy (emotionally she is still only 12, despite being in a 23 yo body). I believe this will end in the same way as when she runs to biofamily {<i style="font-weight: bold;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/running-again.html" target="_blank">Running to Birth Family</a>} </i>-- the second she moves out, the grass will be greener on our side of the fence. At most, she's made it 4 months with biofamily. I'm suspecting this will last at most 6 months, probably less.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In addition to providing us with some much-needed respite, my current thought is that this may actually help. She has been fighting to get off her medications so that she no longer needs Medicaid because she wants off SSI <b><i>{<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/10/applying-for-ssi-for-your-adult-child.html" target="_blank">Getting SSI for an Adult Child</a>}.</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She feels like I am controlling her (which I am because she is legally a disabled person who is unable to handle more than the most basic care for herself). I've made it very clear that she needs to stay on SSI to keep Medicaid so she can afford doctor appointments and her medications (without insurance the meds alone would cost over $1K a month).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She desperately wants to be "normal," and to her, that means being able to spend her money how she wants to and do whatever she wants to do. The main problem is, she has no concept of money, budgeting, saving...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She is not able to fill out even the most basic forms (insurance being a big one). She does not have the ability to hold more than a part-time job. (She currently works 15-20 hours a week at $8.50 an hour). She cannot drive</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When I try to explain budgeting and the costs of living independently, especially if she no longer receives any income from SSI, she just says she'll get a full-time job or 3 part-time jobs. It's like having an argument with a 2-year-old. Reality does not compute.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I decided I would tell her that a condition of her moving in with him is that we all sit down and discuss her circumstances. under the guise of discussing her budget. Since she's actually fairly compliant and I control her SSI money, I can do that.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I decided to create a list of points I feel need to be discussed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A mom from a Facebook group for parenting young adults with FASD, made some awesome suggestions about how to handle this discussion, and these are some of the takeaway points I got from them:</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Maintain a positive focus about how great it is that they're going to be working so hard at this relationship.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> Emphasize how impressive it is that he loves her enough to be willing to take on a relationship with a disabled person and is willing to take over her caregiving.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Let them know that we plan to be supportive and will help with this transition because we want them to have a successful relationship. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Let them know that we will be there for Kitty if things don't go as planned.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Pull him aside and subtly put the fear of God in him that we will report him if he takes advantage of her physically or financially. With a reminder that legally she is considered a disabled person and as such there could be additional criminal charges if she is not protected.</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">These are my planned talking points. I do intend to hand them a list/ agenda, but the following has notes I don't intend to share with them. I'd love it if you would note any additional suggestions in the comments:</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>This is a Trial Period</b> (just like it was with biofamily). It will be 3 to 6 months before I will transfer Medicaid, SSI, whatever, to her new address.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Contracts. During the trial period, she CAN <u>NOT</u> sign any contracts </b>that will obligate her to pay money (lease, new phone, non pre-paid credit cards...).</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Caregiver Duties. </b>If they stay together, at some point, he will be expected to step in as her caregiver.<b> </b>I don't plan to emphasize the access to her money part of this and I don’t really think they will make it long enough for it to happen, I just want to use it as an excuse to explain her medical and mental health issues, as well as her budget and why I maintain tight control over her finances. I will tell him that he needs to be aware, that this is a <u>legal position</u>. Taking advantage of a disabled person financially has serious legal consequences.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>She has a Brain Injury </b>(Learning disabilities, ADHD, cerebral dysrhythmia, FASD...), This is a serious, permanent condition. Among other things, it means she cannot handle her own money. She is not able to budget. While I will continue to handle her actual finances at first, he will be expected to help her manage her money, including making sure she has enough money for groceries and bills; she doesn't spend the money she gets from her job until the money for SSI has been taken out; she will need help keep track of receipts for things like her rent.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>She has Bipolar Disorder.</b> Severe enough that she can never go off mood stabilizers and can't use "herbal supplements" or a special diet, or whatever hooey might work for someone on the mild end of the continuum.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/09/current-med-and-diagnoses-page.html" target="_blank">Current Meds and Diagnoses page</a>. </b>I plan to show him this one-page document we give to therapists, medical professionals, and people "on her team" (like teachers and administrators when she was in school). It details things like her IQ and her mental health diagnoses (BPD, FASD/cerebral dysrhythmia/ brain injury). I will be explaining what each of these means and will strongly encourage him to read <b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/02/books-and-methods-review-stop-walking.html" target="_blank">Stop Walking on Eggshells</a></b> (which explains more about living with Borderline Personality Disorder from the family's point of view). <br /><br /><b><i>{This may seem like oversharing or even an invasion of privacy to some, but I think he needs to understand how severe her issues really are if he's going to be living with her.}</i></b></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Rent and Utilities.</b> While she will definitely pay rent (as much as she can afford, which will probably be less than 1/2 if you include utilities), if she moves out, her rent money goes with her. Period. Her name cannot be on the lease or utility bills. If this doesn't work out, then she can't afford to be financially obligated.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Receipts</b>. As part of my Rep Payee duties, I need to document where her money goes. Any money she pays, like rent, will go directly to who it's owed to (like the leasing company, or the gas company) rather than her boyfriend. I'm still debating whether or not I'll do this during the trial period. It's going to add some complications since we won't be reporting the address change yet.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Teaching Her to Drive.</b> If he helps her get a driver's license, which we strongly discourage due to her issues that affect her ability to drive {<b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/11/co-conspirator-dreamkiller.html" target="_blank">Co-conspirator Dreamkiller</a></i></b>} They need to understand she will not be going on our car insurance. She'll need to go on his insurance rather than paying her own because she's on a fixed income (and even then, she can't do that for at least 6 months of them being together).</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Full-Time Job.</b> She cannot *<b><i>plan</i></b>* to get a better paying full-time job and get off SSI. She has to <b><i>*HAVE* </i></b>a full-time job for at least 3 months because historically she has not been able to handle a full-time job (despite what she thinks). She currently works only 15 hours a week.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Budget/ SSI. </b>We will look at her budget based on her income from her job and SSI (which will show him she doesn't make enough to pay her half of the bills and food). <br /><br />Her take-home last month was $375. The month before that was $325. Currently, about 1/2 of that has to be saved to make up the difference in her SSI amount (they reduce her check by 1/2 of her <u>gross</u> pay so she won't have enough money to pay her bills if she blows her whole paycheck).<br /><br />I plan to show BF how more than half of the money from her job has to be saved (“paid”) into a separate account because her income doesn’t affect her SSI money until 2 months after she’s earned it. I will also show him the careful financial record-keeping and monitoring I do to ensure that her SSI money is reported correctly and comes in on time -- so she doesn’t lose it and Medicaid. We will also look at how much her medications and doctor appointments would cost without Medicaid.<br /><br />I will continue to have control over her finances and SSI, until such point as I decide he can handle taking over (probably never!), which means I will be kept in the loop.<br /><br />Part of her SSI money will continue to go to us to pay for things like her phone, private insurance, and bank fees, things that don't stop just because she doesn't live here.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Getting to Work</b>. Currently, she's planning on having him drop her off at our house when he goes to work. Since she usually doesn't have to be at work until 10:30am at the earliest and sometimes not until 4:30pm, that means she'd be sitting around our house for hours. When I asked what she'd do if he couldn't bring her over here (it's a 25-minute drive from his new apartment to here), her plan was to take an Uber.<br /><br /><b><i>{After reminding her several times to look into the cost, we finally looked up the cost together. A round trip uber from her apartment to work is about $30 - not including tip. Working a 4-hour shift at $8.50/hr means she only makes $25.50! She's very excited about a recent promotion, which means she'll sometimes make $9/hr. She can't grasp that this means she's still only making $27 a shift.} </i></b>Despite my best efforts, she does not understand that even if she only takes the Uber one way (she would get a ride home from BF). that still means an uber would not be cost-effective.<br /><br />I reminded her that our town is now on a bus route that connects to the city that the apartment is in and suggested she should confirm the bus route goes to her new apartment (it is within walking distance on this end). She needs to see where the bus route goes and how much it costs to get a commuter pass. She refuses to do this because she doesn't want to ride the bus.<br /><br />She also needs to <b><i>*ASK*</i></b> me if it's OK to stay here (she's planning on having BF drop her off on his way to work and have her spend hours here before and after her shift).</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Doctor Appointments/ Medication. </b>She needs to know how she will get to her doctor appointments which are here in our small town and not near BF's apartment. She cannot change to a new doctor during the trial period. I will continue to attend her psychiatrist appointments. She needs to confirm with me that her appointments work with my schedule. She needs to figure out how she'll pick up her medications.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Pregnancy.</b> If she gets pregnant, he <b><i>*WILL*</i></b> be paying child support. He needs to be sure she is on birth control. If she goes off Medicaid, he will be responsible for paying medical bills.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Moving Out.</b> She will be taking ALL her stuff. Nothing left behind at all. We're not a storage unit for her crap. She will also be putting the room back to "move out" condition, just like she would if she were living in an apartment.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Moving Home. </b>If it doesn't work out, she is welcome to move back in with us, but in the meantime, I will be moving my fabric stash into the "Hobbit Hole" (a small study she has been using as a bedroom) as originally intended before she had a mental health break down and had to unexpectedly leave the fantastic residential 18 - 24 months long vocational school the state was paying for. So she will have even less room until her "Apartmenette" is done (maybe next year).<br /><br />As a condition of returning, she will be expected to sign the <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/boarder-agreement.html" target="_blank">Boarder Agreement</a> again.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Physical Abuse/ Taking Advantage of a Disabled Person</b> - If he lays a hand on her, we <b><i>*WILL*</i></b> be calling the police. We will report him if he takes advantage of her physically or financially. With a reminder that legally she is considered a disabled person and as such there could be additional criminal charges if she is not protected.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Chauffeur Services.</b> She will be expected to find a way to get to me if we need to go to the SSI office or her psychiatrist. I won't be driving her anywhere unless she's already at my house, and she verifies it is convenient for me <b><i>*before* </i></b>she makes an appointment.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Family Events.</b> They are invited to attend Friday night family dinners, but if the place is expensive, they may be expected to pay their own way.</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">What Actually Happened</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Aaannnndddd.... none of this worked.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Apparently, the boyfriend has no idea she's on SSI and she doesn't want him to know. He has no clue how severe her mental illnesses are. He thinks she's paying us rent and supporting herself with her paycheck and he has no idea how few hours she actually works. We thought it was him pressuring her to get off her meds and SSI, but it was actually her choice because she doesn't want him to find out (and also because she thinks it's keeping her from being an adult).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She saw no need for me to talk to him because she's "going off SSI anyway so he doesn't need to know about it." She refused to let me meet with him and speak to him about any of this.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She's supposed to move in in 3 weeks when his new apartment is ready. Her current "plan" is to go off all her meds (we're talking 2 major mood stabilizers and an antipsychotic) so she can get off Medicaid and SSI. She also plans to get a full-time job (By the way, this month she made all of $375, last month it was only $325).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Of course, all of this is totally unrealistic and unfeasible, but she's 23 years old and she wants to be treated like an "adult" (of course, this is just what she <i>thinks</i> being an adult is like). *sigh* It's like arguing with a 2-year-old.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I told her if she's going off her meds to start now (because I don't trust her not to try to sabotage her SSI as soon she's out of the house). Right now, she's still stable on her meds and so thinks she doesn't need them.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If she manages to get off SSI, it would take months to get her back on, and if she has a psychotic break and/or gets pregnant... someone is going to have to pay all those medical bills.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I told her she can't sign any contracts, including the lease. I also told her I would be paying the leasing agent directly. She asked me a legitimate question - if she's not on the lease, how will she pay rent? I'll have to figure that out because I don't want to hand the money over to the boyfriend. She will need receipts of payments for SSI.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">*****</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The next day, after dropping her off at work, the boyfriend stopped by to pick up her phone that she'd forgotten. He doesn't talk much, but he asked if we were OK with Kitty moving in with him.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We told him that it was her choice, but if he hurt her... I didn't actually finish this sentence, I just told him to "fill in the concerned parent threats here." We all laughed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I mentioned that I didn't want her name put on the lease or any other contract until we knew for sure this would work out. He said he understood and at most would be listing her as a roommate.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I told him that I planned to send in her payments directly to the apartment complex, but I wasn't sure how that work if she wasn't on the lease. I told him that we'd have to have a receipt for the government, and we talked about whether or not a receipt written by him would satisfy the government. I told him I'd look into it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Even though he started it, during this brief chat, he couldn't get away fast enough. I can only wonder what Kitty has told him about us.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">*****</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Flash forward to this afternoon.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Via text, Kitty accuses me of telling the boyfriend all about SSI and stuff. (I hadn't exactly, although I did hint at it).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She then starts in on how it's against the law for me to not pay her rent for 3 months and I could get arrested.</span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> Say WHAT?!</span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">{I'm going to paraphrase our conversation and change things up a little, because Kitty has difficulty writing what she actually means to say due to spelling, grammar and cognitive issues, and sometimes we're responding to a text while the other one is typing)</span></i></b></blockquote>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Me: I never said I wouldn't pay your rent with BF. In fact, you and I talked about me paying it directly to the leasing agency rather than giving the money to BF. Although your comment about not being on the lease possibly making that difficult was valid, and that's why I mentioned to BF that you'd need a receipt and I would look into whether or not it would be OK for him to write a receipt. </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I did say that this would be like when you went to live with Biofamily, in that this would be a "trial period," but I also told you that I was referring to not telling SSI that we were changing your address for 3 to 6 months in case things didn't work out, because your moving causes a ton of issues when dealing with SSI, so we need to wait until the trial period is over.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This is why I wanted to sit down together. So we'd have numbers in front of us and I could put stuff in writing so you didn't forget or misremember half of what we talked about because you were triggered.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">Kitty:</span> <span style="color: red;">But I want to get off</span><span style="color: red; font-style: italic;"> </span><i>{SSI} </i><span style="color: red;">anyways. So why does it matter? I'm not going to be at your house</span></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Me: Wanting to get off SSI and being ready to get off are two different things. You are not ready to get off for at least 6 months. That's how long it takes for your meds to get out of your system. You need to stay on it until you're sure how your body is going to react.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Me: Did I mention that I think it's a bad idea to try to keep these major issues from BF? If you trust him that little, then you should rethink living with him.</span></b></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Kitty: I trust him a lot.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Me: Obviously not. From what you said, he doesn't know anything about your medications, disabilities, income, living situation... no wonder he thinks I'm a controlling bitch. He has no idea why I handle your finances.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">Kitty:</span><i> {Responding to my comment, "Wanting to get off SSI and being ready to get off are two different things."} </i><b></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: red;">Then let me have more control let me pay him and let me give you the receipt but you haven't given me a chance to like be an adult.</span></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> <b> </b></span></div>
<div style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i></i></span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Me: Obviously you don't remember what happened over the years when your meds weren't right; otherwise, you wouldn't even consider going off of them completely.</span></div>
<div style="font-weight: bold;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: bold;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Me:<span style="font-style: italic;"> {Responding to her comment, <span style="color: red;">"</span></span></span><b style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: italic;"><i><b><i><span style="color: red;">Then let me have more control let me pay him and let me give you the receipt"</span>}</i></b></i></b><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> <span style="font-style: italic;"><b><i><b><i> </i></b></i></b></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b></b></span><br />
<div>
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We can talk about that. You haven't mentioned it before now. You've just stomped your foot and acted like a 2-year-old saying, "All by me!!"</span></b></div>
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></b><br />
<div>
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></b><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: right;">
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>{I admit I got frustrated and said some triggering, non-therapeutic things during this part of the conversation} </i></span></b></div>
</blockquote>
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></b><br />
<div>
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Me: I'm ready to have rational, adult conversations. Instead, most of the time, you're demanding things that you have repeatedly shown you can't handle, and talking about things like getting a full-time job as though you could walk in to any place tomorrow and be handed one, and going off your meds as though your doctor was an unprofessional idiot and giving you prescription medications, because she thought it would be funny.</span></b></div>
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></b><br />
<div style="font-style: italic;">
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> <div>
Just because you want things to be a certain way, does not mean they are. No matter how badly you want them. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
You are physically an adult. Legally, you are an adult too, but there are limitations set on that by the government that say that you need extra help and have a right to it. It doesn't have to be me providing it, but someone has to, and so far no one else is willing to step up and be there for you.</div>
<div style="font-style: italic;">
<br /></div>
<div>
<span style="color: red;">Kitty: </span><i>{Flipping the switch!} </i><span style="color: red;">And I love that you have helped me over the whole time I've lived with you, but I feel stuck cause of the meds and SSI. I'm tired of. Being stuck.</span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Me: I totally get how frustrating it is to be stuck. I truly wish that it weren't the situation you've had forced on you by your past and your genetics. </div>
<div style="font-style: italic;">
<br /></div>
<div>
I feel like you're blaming me for your diagnoses, trauma, and issues instead of acknowledging that it is what it is and working with me to help you find ways to work with it and around it and get what you want. </div>
<div style="font-style: italic;">
<br /></div>
<div>
I think you will not find happiness until you find acceptance for the things you cannot change (your diagnoses ) and courage to take the steps needed to change the things you can.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I hope you know that I will always be here for you to help you figure out what your dreams are, and how to work to achieve those dreams despite, or sometimes because of, your limitations/ disabilities.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I know that you can achieve great happiness. I just wish you would work on it instead of jumping off a cliff and assuming you'll be able to fly just because you want it so badly.</div>
<div>
Does that make sense?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<span style="color: red;">Kitty: Yes. But that's how life is. Birds push the babies out and let them learn on their own. And most parents do the same.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
Me: When they're ready. Shoving a baby bird out of the nest too soon or if it has a broken wing is evil.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Me: Have you seen this video? You remind me of Karamel the squirrel. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</span></b></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen="true" allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" height="476" scrolling="no" src="https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Flittlebutfiercedodo%2Fvideos%2F2148632535153238%2F&show_text=0&width=476" style="border: none; overflow: hidden;" width="476"></iframe><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She was badly injured through no fault of her own, but she was a fighter, and her adopted family wanted her to be able to run and play. They helped her deal with her disabilities and found ways around them. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She's a happy squirrel who can run and play. She can't climb trees though. Does that make her any less of a squirrel? Do you think she's miserable because of what she can't do? </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b></b><br /></span>
<br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She worked hard to learn how to use what she was given and taught, and now she's in a loving family, being a squirrel that can run and play.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: right;">
<b><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">{I wish that was where the conversation stopped, but there was a lot more lather, rinse, repeat...}</span></i></b></div>
</div>
<div>
<b><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></b></div>
<div>
<b style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It boiled down to:</span></b><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Kitty doesn't want BF to find out she has "issues" because she is afraid he will leave her. Which means he can't find out she was on medications and that someone has to handle her money for her.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She wants to be an "adult." She wants to be "normal." She desperately wants to believe that if she gets away from me, and gets off SSI, then that will magically happen. That she actually will be normal, because she <i>wants</i> to be - she<i> needs</i> to be. That I am all that's keeping her from being normal.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If she gets off SSI, then she loses her Medicaid. She has to have Medicaid to pay for her medications; therefore, she will get off her medications so she can get off Medicaid. Her magical thinking kicks in and she convinces herself that she doesn't actually need her meds.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She feels "controlled" because I handle her finances and where she lives (in that I can fuss at her if she leaves a mess).</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A lot of my "control" over her is actually her controlling herself because subconsciously she doesn't want to make Mommy upset because then Mommy will leave her (again). <i><b>{<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/if-you-find-out-im-not-perfect-youll.html" target="_blank">If You Find out I'm Not Perfect, You'll Leave</a>}</b></i> Half the time it's not even something I'd be upset about.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She projects her own fears and guilt on me. She feels guilty about moving in with her boyfriend because she thinks it is wrong and terrified that he'll leave her, so she accuses <i>me</i> of trying to break her and BF up because I want to "control" her. I point out that while I do tell her when I think she's making a mistake, especially if it's a major mistake, that's all I do. I give her my opinion. She projects her own feelings of fear, guilt, and/or shame, and "hears" ultimatums and threats.<br /><br />As an example, I pointed out to her that while I did tell her that I don't think moving in with BF (or Biomom or Biofamily) is a good idea, <b>I didn't stop her</b>. I didn't disown her. When she was ready to come home, I allowed her to come home and didn't say, "I told you so."</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I admit that I have "threatened" her with ultimatums and tried to force her to not make certain choices, but those choices are either life-threatening or severely affect her future or both. When she wanted to move in with biomom with less than 2 weeks notice, that meant she would be without medications and not under a doctor's care. At a vulnerable time, she would not have any supports.<br /><br />I've seen what happens when she is not on her meds. It is life-threatening. She becomes suicidal, she rages, she hallucinates.<br /><br />Pregnancy is equally life-threatening - If she's on her meds, then in addition to her genetic toxic soup, the poor baby is being "pickled" in major psychotropic medications. If she's off her meds, she will become psychotic or suicidal, and the baby is being "pickled" in stress and anxiety hormones. When the baby is born, if she is allowed to keep it, then the child is being raised by a seriously mentally ill mother. Either scenario is dangerous for both mother and child.<br /><br />I've tried and tried, but nothing less than an ultimatum works {<i><b>usually the threat of us getting legal guardianship}</b> </i>and even that rarely works, and of course it triggers her even more. {<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/running-again.html" target="_blank">Running Again</a>}</span></li>
</ul>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">*****</span></div>
</div>
<div>
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div>
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div>
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In the end, we agreed that: </span></b></div>
<div>
<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I would put the money in her account so she could pay her rent on her own. She's supposed to contact the social security office to see if they will accept a handwritten receipt from BF. Hopefully, she won't tell them that she's moving, but she might try to sabotage her SSI that way.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I told her that she can't just call and tell SSI that she doesn't want SSI anymore (I hope I'm right and/or I hope she never tries).</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">At some point, we will have to talk about budget again with numbers she will get from BF. In general, if she asks me for money, then I will give it to her, as long as it is in her budget.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We kept getting stuck on the fact that I won't just hand over the SSI money or let her cancel SSI. I finally hit on the fact that if she wanted to get rid of it, all she had to do was make more than $1400 a month (the max you're allowed to make and keep SSI). </span></li>
</ol>
</div>
<div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">UPDATES</span></div>
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">One month later:</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> When I finally got all the numbers, I realized that Kitty's monthly SSI money covered her share of the rent and utilities and about $60 for groceries. Rather than me having to tell her that she can't afford things, I can just transfer the full amount at the first of the month. When it's gone, it's gone. There was no extra, so there was nothing to argue about. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She's still taking a half dose of one of her mood stabilizers (and possibly more) because deep down she knows she needs her meds. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She's also decided to stay on SSI/ Medicaid for now. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Biomom shared the link for this post with Kitty (I do not block anyone from reading this blog because I think transparency helps other parents, which is the whole point of my blog), but generally, my kids don't bother to read it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I thought it was interesting that the only thing that upset Kitty about this whole post was that I mentioned we would push for BF to pay child support if Kitty got pregnant?!! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Oh, and that we won't automatically pay for her and BF's dinner if she joins us for family dinner. That one doesn't surprise me though, it's about food.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Eight months later:</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'm happy to report that I was wrong. While not perfect, Kitty's life seems to be going fairly smoothly. Much better than I'd expected. </span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She's dropped down to a much lower dose of her meds and seems fairly stable. (We'll know more after she hits her next depressive cycle). </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She has quit/lost 3? jobs and is currently unemployed but seems to be capable of living within her means (SSI). </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She has taken over managing most of her SSI benefits (although I still do all of the actual dealings with SSI). She claims she is saving the money from her paychecks that she needs in order to ensure that she has enough when her SSI benefits are reduced by the amount earned from 2 paychecks before (for more info about SSI benefits and working, see this post - <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/10/applying-for-ssi-for-your-adult-child.html" target="_blank"><b>Getting SSI for Your Adult Child</b></a>).</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She is not pregnant and seems happy with her cat as her "fur baby."</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She got engaged at Christmas and is ecstatically planning her wedding (which is almost 2 years away - I think because she wants to lose some weight first?).</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I have informed her that getting married means she loses her SSI and Medicaid benefits - </span><b style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2018/12/marriage-and-ssi-benefits.html" target="_blank">Marriage and SSI Benefits</a> </b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">and suggested that she have a "commitment ceremony or something, </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">but she chooses to believe that she will find and keep a full-time job that provides full benefits. *sigh*</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I don't think she realizes that she'll also lose the backup of our private insurance when she gets married. I need to let her know that.</span></li>
</ul>
</div>
marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-63063010238626238602018-04-05T17:32:00.001-05:002018-04-05T17:45:57.015-05:00FAIR Club Writing Assignment: Trust and Lies Article<br />
<h2>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">10 Things You Need to Know
About Lies & Lying<o:p></o:p></span></h2>
<ol start="1" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Lying is the number one reason that people
lose trust. <o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The most common reason that people lie is
to avoid confrontation. Getting in trouble is never fun but lying to avoid
it is always a "band-aid" solution. When the truth comes out the
confrontation is guaranteed to be even more unpleasant than it would have
been without the lie. A lie compounds the problem, it doesn't solve it. <o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Another common reason people lie is to
make themselves seem "better" or more interesting. This sort of
lying can be a sign of low self esteem, problems at home, or depression. <o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Lies are like dominos - one lie can knock
out whole relationships, destroy entire aspects of your life or even limit
your future in unforeseeable ways. <o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Lies are a gamble. Every time you lie you
gamble with being caught. <o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Lies have a way of getting out and coming
back to haunt you. <o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The worst lies are the ones you tell
yourself. When you lie to others you are also lying to yourself. <o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Chronic lying can signal a psychiatric or
social disorder. If you find yourself "lying for no reason" or
to cover up behavior that you know is harmful consider seeking
professional help. <o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Lies can damage your self image and cause
inner conflicts (like dissonance) that drastically change the way you
view, and act upon, the world and other people. <o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"Little white lies" are lies
that are told about superficial things and are told when the truth would
only serve to hurt another person. They ARE NOT told to avoid
confrontation or cover up the harmful actions of another person. For
example: telling another friend that a haircut looks good when you don't
really like it is a "little white lie", telling your parents
that you are spending the night at a friend's house so that you can stay
out past curfew is NOT. <o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
</ol>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">
<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<h1>
<span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The Real
Reasons Parents Ask So Many Questions<o:p></o:p></span></span></h1>
<h2>
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">(No, it isn't
just to drive you crazy!)<o:p></o:p></span></span></h2>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Parents
ask a lot of questions and it drives teens crazy. Despite what teen culture
says parents don’t make inquiries in order to invade your privacy or control
what you do. Parents ask questions because they care, because they’ve been a
teen and want to spare you some of the more unpleasant experiences that seem to
be common during adolescence, and because they want to keep you safe. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It is not a
verbally inquisitive invasion of privacy that prompts your parents to ask,
where you’re going, what will you be doing, when you expect to be home, and who
you’ll be with, no, parents ask these things for one simple reason – they want
to protect you. So it is a sad reality that many teens lie to their parents
when they are asked questions about their plans. If you lie to your parents it
could be yourself that you are harming the most.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Why? Not only
does lying to your parents damage their trust but it has the potential to put
you in real danger. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Let’s
look at the four most common questions parents ask that teens lie about and
examine how being anything but truthful could harm you in the end.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Common
Question 1:<br />
"<i>Where are you going?</i>"</span></b><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 11pt;">The reason
teens think parents ask this question.</span></b><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br />
The three most common reasons teens think parents ask this question are; to be
nosey, to stop them from going, or to know where to go to check up or spy on
them. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 11pt;">The real
reason parents ask this question.</span></b><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br />
Parents really ask this question so that they can be sure that where you are
going is safe, suitable for somebody your age and properly supervised. While it
is possible that your parents would stop you from going somewhere unsafe,
unsuitable or poorly supervised their motive for asking is not to ruin your fun
but to make sure that you won’t be put in harms way. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 11pt;">The danger
to YOU if you answer this question with a lie.</span></b><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br />
Teens who believe that their parents wouldn’t allow them to go where they want
to go will often lie when asked this question, but lying could have some dire
consequences. If you feel you have to lie about where you are going you should
take a moment to reflect about why you are lying, do you know that where you
want to go could pose a danger, even a remote one, and is this why you are
covering up? If you lie to your parents about where you will be you put
yourself at risk of not being able to get help if you need it, of your parents
not being able to locate you if there is an emergency, of them being unable to
give accurate information to law enforcement if something happens to you, and
you will be more likely to engage in further risky behavior in order to keep
your lie from coming to light. One example, if you lie about going to an
un-chaperoned house party and find that your ride home is too drunk to drive
you may be more likely get in their car because calling your parents for a safe
ride home would expose the lie. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Common
Question 2:<br />
"<i>What will you be doing?</i>"</span></b><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 11pt;">The reason
teens think parents ask this question.</span></b><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br />
Again, the most common reasons that teens think parents ask this question is to
invade their privacy or to exercise control over what they will be doing. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 11pt;">The real
reason parents ask this question.</span></b><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br />
The reasons that parents ask this question are very similar to the reasons they
ask where you are going; namely, they want to be sure you will not be taking
unnecessary risks and that you will be safely supervised. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 11pt;">The danger
to YOU if you answer this question with a lie.</span></b><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br />
When you lie to your parents about what you will be doing you may think it is
harmless, after all if you are truthful about <i>where</i> you will be what
does it matter <i>what</i> you plan to do while your there? But there are
several things that can go wrong when you lie about what you will be doing. You
may be afraid to tell your parents if something bad happens, you may be afraid
to ask for their help during a crisis or unforeseen event because of your lie,
and you may make it impossible for your parents to help you if you’re hurt
since they won’t have an accurate picture about what led up to your injury.
Also, if you lie about what you are doing chances are good that you shouldn’t
be doing it and regardless of whether your parents ask you for details or not
this should be enough to give you pause about your plans. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Common
Question 3:<br />
"<i>When will you be home?</i>"</span></b><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 11pt;">The reason
teens think parents ask this question.</span></b><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br />
As usual teens think parents ask this question to exercise control over their
lives. More than lie about this teens are likely to say something like, “I
don’t know,” “Before curfew,” or “I’ll call and let you know.” <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 11pt;">The real
reason parents ask this question.</span></b><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br />
Parents ask this question because they want to know when they can expect you
home (duh!) but not so they can send out a search party if you are 20 minutes
late. In fact the real reason parents ask this question may be a little bit
selfish on their part. Of course your safety is important to your parents and
knowing when to expect you home makes it easier for them to know when you may
need help but there is another reason parents ask you this question. Parents
ask this question because they never really rest until they know you are safe
and knowing when to expect you home gives them peace of mind. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 11pt;">The danger
to YOU if you answer this question with a lie.</span></b><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br />
The danger of lying when asked this question is pretty obvious; if you don’t
tell your parents when you expect to be home they won’t know if you’re missing.
If you get hurt your parents will know to sound the alarm sooner rather than
later if they have a time to expect you home or a time when you will check in.
Lie about this and you could end up losing precious time if you land in harms
way. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Common
Question 4:<br />
"<i>Who will you be with?</i>"</span></b><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 11pt;">The reason
teens think parents ask this question.</span></b><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br />
The parents v. friends conflict is as old as time. While most parents like the
people their teen is friends with there are times when friends and parents
don’t really mesh. Sometimes the reasons behind the feud are valid and other
times they are not but regardless if your parents don’t like one or more of
your friends you should ask yourself why before continuing the friendship. The
most common reason teens think parents want to know who they’ll be with is to
stop them from being around friends they do not approve of. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 11pt;">The real
reason parents ask this question.</span></b><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br />
Yes, there is some truth behind the idea that parents ask this question to make
sure you aren’t spending time with people they do not like but the more
pressing reason behind this question is much less ominous. The most common reason
parents ask who you will be with is to know where to start looking if you are
late or missing. Parents may also want to know who you’ll be with so they can
touch base with other parents about where you’ll be, what you’ll be doing and
when you’ll be back. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<b><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The danger
to YOU if you answer this question with a lie.</span></span></b><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">
When parents don’t like your friend or friends 9 times out of 10 it is with
good reason. If you have fallen in with a bad crowd or are engaging in risky
peer activities your parents will be unable to help you if you lie about who
you are with. And again, because you told one lie you may continue to tell lies
to cover it up and you may be less likely to ask for help when you really need
it or when you know something is wrong out of fear of having to come clean
about the initial lie. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Remember flat
lying about your plans or who you’ll be with can do some real harm but leaving
out important details, lying by omission, can do harm as well. Lies of omission
are the kissing cousins of outright lying and the negative results are often
one in the same. Honesty is always the best policy when your parents ask
questions no matter why you think they may be asking. Giving away a little of
your privacy is a small price to pay for building trust between you and your
parents and for keeping you safe. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><br clear="all" style="page-break-before: always;" />
</span>
</span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Recently you
have lost many privileges because you have lost trust with the people who give
you these privileges. Answer the following questions as honestly and
completely as you can.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">1.</b> <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">You are unable to go to the skating
rink for 6 months</b>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Who decided that you could no longer go to the rink?
______________ What was his/her stated reason?
__________________________________________________________________________________<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There were other incidents that happened before this one
that led to this person losing trust with you and making this
decision. List 3 choices you have made that led this person losing
trust with you and making this decision. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">a.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">b.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">c.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>List 2 possible
dangers (different from the stated reasons and choices you made leading to
people's distrust of you) that the skating rink personnel might be trying to
avoid by suspending kids they can't trust.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">a. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">b. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">2. You are not
allowed to use the internet</b>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">List at least 2 stated reasons that your parents gave for
making this decision.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">a.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">b.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">List 3 choices you have made that led to your parents
losing trust with you and making this decision. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">a. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">b.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">c.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">List 3 possible dangers (different from the stated
reasons and choices you made leading to people's distrust of you) that your
parents can't trust not to happen if you use the internet. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">a. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">b.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">c.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">3. You</b> <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">must be supervised at all times when you
leave the house</b>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">List at least 2 stated reasons that your parents gave for
making this decision. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">a.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">b.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">List 3 choices you have made that led to your parents
losing trust with you and making this decision. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">a.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">b.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">c.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">List 5 possible dangers (different from the stated
reasons and choices you made leading to people's distrust of you) your
parents might worry about if a child they cannot trust lies about being
supervised or sneaks around. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">a. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">b.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">c.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">d.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">e.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">4. You cannot
use your cell phone or talk on a cordless phone.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">List at least 3 stated reasons that your parents gave
for making this decision. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">a.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">b.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">c.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">List 3 choices you have made that led to your parents
losing trust with you and making this decision. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">a.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">b.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">c.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">List 4 possible dangers (different from the
stated reasons and choices you made leading to people's distrust of you) your
parents might worry about if a child they cannot trust uses the phone. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">a.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">b.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">c.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">d.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">5. Your parents
must do random searches of your stuff.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">List at least 3 reasons that Arrow and child
protective services gave for making this decision. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">a.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">b.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">c.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">List 4 choices you made that led to these people losing
trust with you and making this decision. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">a. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">b. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">c.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">d.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">List 4 possible dangers (different from the stated
reasons and choices you made leading to people's distrust of you) that these
people might be worried about. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">a.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">b.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">c.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">d.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">6. You must be
supervised when you are around money.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">List at least 2 stated reasons that your parents gave for
making this decision. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">a.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">b.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">List 3 choices you made that led to your parents losing
trust with you and making this decision. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">a. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">b.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">c.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">List 2 possible dangers (different from the stated reasons
and choices you made leading to people's distrust of you) that your parents
might worry about if a child they cannot trust is around money.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">a.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<br />marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-8174358814110436442018-03-06T12:17:00.022-06:002023-03-15T08:30:07.239-05:00Detachment Parenting an Older Child with Special Needs<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwYDIk4KvzK-pYh9xcA3kSLlu_wEQHcVkv-DGmh12xgiAfRlUMVzNXuDdxIzHuvRbY8C2ezL_b-0NZW5V-9EPRlc5ljSm16SCZ8WYkVh6Y6aq1HzOX104vkc-tgq9QTIHt08CKbcuG7Vzl/s1600/detaching+with+love.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwYDIk4KvzK-pYh9xcA3kSLlu_wEQHcVkv-DGmh12xgiAfRlUMVzNXuDdxIzHuvRbY8C2ezL_b-0NZW5V-9EPRlc5ljSm16SCZ8WYkVh6Y6aq1HzOX104vkc-tgq9QTIHt08CKbcuG7Vzl/s320/detaching+with+love.jpg" width="213" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b> There's a new trend in parenting called Detachment Parenting. When I first heard of it, it sounded like heaven to my burned-out, PTSD-suffering, guilt-ridden self. I'd been trying to parent my attachment-challenged children the way society told me I should. The same way I parented my (mostly) neuro-typical, totally attached bio-kids - nurturing, child-focused, self-sacrificing... and it was killing me! <b>{<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/04/but-my-child-needs-me.html" target="_blank"><i>Giving Until There's Nothing Left - But My Child NEEDS Me!</i></a>}</b><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b></span></span><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">Attachment Parenting</span></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">There are 2 types of "Attachment Parenting." One is mostly about "crunchy moms," breastfeeding, wearing your infant (sling), cosleeping... which is all great, but <i>not</i> the point of this blog. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">The other type of attachment parenting is more about children with "attachment challenges," kids whose attachment has been damaged by trauma. This type of Attachment Parenting aka <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-management-outline.html" target="_blank"><b>Therapeutic Parenting</b></a> or <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic_8637.html" target="_blank"><b>Connected Parenting</b></a> <i>is</i> the focus of this blog. </span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">Well, it used to be. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />
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<div><span style="font-family: arial;">Nowadays, it's about <b>DE</b>tachment Parenting. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">What detachment parenting isn’t</span></b><br /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Being a detached parent doesn’t mean you ignore your child when he's upset or needs you. It just means that you have chosen to use a more structured and less-reactive type of parenting style.</span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">Detachment Parenting</span></b></span><br /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I see D</span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">etachment Parenting as a way to validate not feeling guilty about not prioritizing my child's needs over everything else - even though I knew my child would most likely fail without my constant intervention. (I also try to remember that my child might fail whether I was there or not). </span><b><i>{<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/giving-cpr-faith.html" target="_blank">You Have Not Failed</a>!}</i></b></span><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span></span></div>In a lot of ways, I was already doing detachment parenting. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/09/advocating-for-yourself-your-family-and.html" target="_blank">Prioritizing Yourself, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order</a> </i></b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I started prioritizing my life differently in an effort to function again - to </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">get a thicker skin about ignoring other's expectations and "shoulds", and stop being reactive or even proactive about my child. </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I needed to parent my attachment-challenged child calmly and with perspective about the needs of my family and myself. </span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/02/books-and-methods-review-stop-walking.html" style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Stop Walking on Eggshells</a> </b></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">One thing that really helped me with becoming a Detached Parent with <i>all</i> of my teens (even my neurotypical biokids), was one of my favorite books,</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/02/books-and-methods-review-stop-walking.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b>Stop Walking on Eggshells</b></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">. I still reread it often. </span></span><span>I found the practical suggestions for setting boundaries helped me with staying calm and detached with all of my teens and young adult children, not just the ones with attachment issues. </span><span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> </span></span><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/02/books-and-methods-review-stop-walking.html" target="_blank">Stop Walking on Eggshells</a></b></span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><i><u><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" target="_blank">Finding The Joy</a> </u></i></b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I once heard a house parent in a residential treatment center for emotionally disturbed girls tell a teen that she was a "bottomless pit of need." At the time, I thought he was a horrible person. Now I get it. If we drain our emotional reserves trying to fill a child who can't be filled, then we're empty. You can't fill from an empty cup. Our kids need a different type of parenting and society's "shoulds" can suck it! </span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://www.justmommies.com/toddlers/parenting-toddlers/detachment-parenting-new-trend-in-parenting" target="_blank">Detachment Parenting: A New Trend in Parenting</a></span></b> by JustMommies staff</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;">A “detached parent” is not an uncaring or uninvolved parent.According to Heidi Smith Luedtke, Ph.D., author of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Detachment-Parenting-Ways-Keep-Your-ebook/dp/B00A3B4LZ6" target="_blank"><b>Detachment Parenting: 33 Ways to Keep Your Cool When Kids Melt Down</b></a>, </span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span>“</span><i><b>Rest assured, detachment parenting is not the opposite of attachment parenting. It doesn’t require you to deny your feelings, keep kids at arms’ length or let them cry it out when they’re distressed.</b></i><span>” She says, “</span><i><b>Detachment parenting does not prescribe choices about how you feed, cuddle or care for your kids.</b>"</i><span> </span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>What is detachment parenting?</b> </span> </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;">Detachment parenting has less to do with the lifestyle decisions you make for your family, and more to do with how you as a parent respond to your child’s emotions, as well as your own.</span></blockquote>
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<b><u><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">The main premise of detachment parenting is that you become more “detached” from the emotional scenarios that, as a parent, you encounter, and not allow your kids’ or your own high emotions affect how you parent.</span> </span></u></b></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;">It’s very easy to react to parenting scenarios with your emotions, rather than taking the time to calm down or think things through before you respond to your child.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><b>“Break out of fight-or-flight mode.”</b> Instead of reacting to situations emotionally, Luedtke shows parents ways to tune into their bodies’ “natural relaxation response”. <u><b>Once a parent is calm, she is naturally better able to respond to her child’s needs.</b></u></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>"Staying Calm."</b> Some of the methods of detachment parenting are common sense. When you or your kids get angry, you need to take steps to stay calm. You can use simple things to help you get your mind in a calmer place, such as counting to 100, taking a time out of your own, or deep breathing. </span><b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/02/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" target="_blank">(Calming/ Relaxation Techniques}</a></i></b></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><b><i>"<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/11/structure-and-caring-support.html" target="_blank">Structure and Caring Support</a>." </i></b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Other ways to keep your family running more smoothly include having structure and rules. Routines and rules help children know what to expect and removes a lot of the emotional components of parenting on the fly, leading to fewer feelings of judgment and shame. Rules keep things more predictable, and there is less likelihood of tension or friction when kids have structure. </span><i><b>{<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chapter-3.html" target="_blank">Structure, Support, Routines, and Boundaries</a>}</b></i></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><b>"Prioritizing Self-Care."</b> Detached parents tend to want their children to be independent and are not completely absorbed in their children’s lives. Of course, they love their kids and spend time with their kids, but they also make time for themselves. They try to make time for “me time” so that they are happier, more relaxed, and better able to deal with the situations that come up with their kids. <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" target="_blank"><b><i>{Self-Care! Caring for the Caregiver}</i></b></a></span></blockquote><p style="background-color: white; letter-spacing: 1.08px; overflow-wrap: break-word; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="color: red;"><strong style="background-color: transparent; letter-spacing: 1.08px; overflow-wrap: break-word;">You're not obligated to a life of thankless servitude just because you are a parent.</strong><em style="background-color: transparent; letter-spacing: 1.08px; overflow-wrap: break-word;"> </em><span style="letter-spacing: 1.08px;">You have the right to see your efforts appreciated. </span>Show your family that you're worth more than that. Value yourself and you’ll immediately feel bette</span>r. {</span><span style="color: #3333ff;"><b><span style="font-family: arial;"><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2019/03/continuous-traumatic-stress-cts.html" style="color: #0b5394;">Handling Continuous Traumatic Stress(CTS) - When Your PTSD is Not Post/Past Yet</a>}</span></b></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white; letter-spacing: 1.08px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b></b></span></span></p><blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white; letter-spacing: 1.08px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>"Value Yourself and Your Time" </b></span><span style="letter-spacing: 1.08px; white-space: pre-wrap;">By disengaging, your child will have to ask you for help. You're no longer volunteering your time and energy. By disengaging, you stop martyring yourself. You will no longer put yourself in the position offering to take on extra tasks, only to end up criticized, unappreciated, accused of overbearing parenting, taken for granted, and fuming in resentment. <b>
<span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><blockquote>Your child has no right to expect more involvement from you than they are willing to do themselves.</blockquote></span></b></span></span></blockquote><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><b></b></span></p><blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>"Stop Trying To Fix Other People" </b></span><span style="font-family: arial; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit;">Detaching is the opposite of enabling because it allows people to experience the consequences of their choices and it provides you with needed emotional and physical space so that you can care for yourself and feel at peace.</span></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit;"></span><p></p><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 20px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-style: inherit;"></span></span></blockquote><blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 20px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-style: inherit;">Codependents </span><b><i>{in our case, therapeutic parents with adult children} </i></b><span style="font-style: inherit;">often find themselves in dysfunctional relationships where they spend an inordinate amount of time worrying and trying to control or fix other people. This is done with a loving heart, but it can become all-consuming. The problem is, sometimes your loved one doesn’t want the help you’re offering; they want to do things their own way. This creates a maddening push and pull where no one’s happy and you’re both trying to control and force. This can feel like an upside down roller coaster ride that never ends!</span></span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 20px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span><span style="font-style: inherit;">Because of their caring nature, codependents can become obsessed with other people’s problems. They have good intentions and a real desire to help, but this fixation on problems they can’t actually solve (like your Mom’s alcoholism or your adult son’s unemployment) isn’t helpful to anyone. It’s a distraction from taking care of yourself and solving your own problems. It also prevents your loved one from taking full responsibility for their life and learning to solve their own problems. </span><i>{</i></span><span><i><span>Excerpts from</span><span> <a href="https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2017/04/codependency-and-the-art-of-detaching-from-dysfunctional-family-members/#.W0zOV0KUErk.facebook" target="_blank">Codependency and the Art of Detaching From Dysfunctional Family Members</a></span><span class="author vcard" style="border: 0px; color: #446677; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 0.4em; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 15px 0px 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="fn" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 2px 10px 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">By <a href="https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/author/smartin/" rel="author" style="border: 0px; color: #222222; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; transition: all 0.25s ease-in-out 0s; vertical-align: baseline;">Sharon Martin, LCSW</a>} </span></span></i></span><span style="font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit;"> </span></span></blockquote></blockquote><blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white; letter-spacing: 1.08px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>"Letting go"</b> Heck, you're already the bad guy. </span><strong style="letter-spacing: 1.08px; overflow-wrap: break-word; white-space: pre-wrap;">You've got nothing to lose at this point.</strong><span style="background-color: white; letter-spacing: 1.08px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> We talk about the importance of letting go, a process that's much easier said than done. But you have to try. Because letting go can mean the choice between continuing to sludge through misery every single day—or finally doing something about it.</span> </span></blockquote><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-style: inherit;"></span><blockquote><span style="font-style: inherit;"><b>"Detaching is a process"</b> </span><span style="font-weight: normal;">Detaching is something you do over and over again in relationships. Like setting boundaries, it’s not something you do once and then forget about! </span></blockquote><span style="font-weight: normal;"></span></span></div><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p><p><b><span style="overflow-wrap: break-word;"><em style="letter-spacing: 1.08px; overflow-wrap: break-word; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"></span></em></span></b></p><blockquote><b><em style="letter-spacing: 1.08px; overflow-wrap: break-word; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">One of the hardest challenges we face as a parent is giving up our need to change our kids into our idea of what we think they should or could be.</span></em></b></blockquote><p></p>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-style: inherit;"><b><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">What is detaching?</span></b></span><br /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><a href="http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/" rel="nofollow" style="border: 0px; color: #4c88c5; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; transition: all 0.25s ease-in-out 0s; vertical-align: baseline;" target="newwin">Al-Anon</a><span style="font-style: inherit;"> (a 12-Step group for people affected by someone else’s alcoholism) describes detachment with this acronym:</span></span><br /><b><span style="font-style: inherit;"><u>D</u>on’t</span><br /><span style="font-style: inherit;"><u>E</u>ven</span><br /><span style="font-style: inherit;"><u>T</u>hink</span><br /><span style="font-style: inherit;"><u>A</u>bout</span><br /><span style="font-style: inherit;"><u>C</u>hanging</span><br /><span style="font-style: inherit;"><u>H</u>im/<u>H</u>er</span></b> </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-style: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-style: inherit;"></span><blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-style: inherit;">A popular Al-Anon reading advises: “</span><i>I must detach myself from his [the alcoholic’s] shortcoming, neither making up for them nor criticizing them. Let me learn to play my own role, and leave his to him. If he fails in it, the failure is not mine, no matter what others may think or say about it</i><span style="font-style: inherit;">” (One Day At a Time in Al-Anon, 1987, page 29).</span></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: arial; font-style: inherit;"></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-style: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="color: red; font-size: large;"><b><i>Detaching means you stop trying to force the outcome that you want/wish/hope for your child.</i></b></span><br /><br /></span><h3 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-style: inherit;"><b></b></span><blockquote><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-style: inherit;"><b>"Detaching with love" </b></span><span style="font-weight: normal;">We use the term “detach with love” to remind us that detaching is a loving action. Detaching doesn’t mean pushing people away or not caring about them. Detaching isn’t angry or withholding love. It’s letting go of controlling and worrying and puts responsibility back on the individual. It's redefining success for your child. </span><span style="font-style: inherit; font-weight: 400;">Detaching is similar to setting </span><a href="https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2016/05/what-are-healthy-boundaries-why-do-i-need-boundaries/" rel="nofollow" style="border: 0px; color: #4c88c5; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; transition: all 0.25s ease-in-out 0s; vertical-align: baseline;" target="newwin">boundaries</a><span style="font-style: inherit; font-weight: 400;">. It puts healthy emotional or physical space between you and your loved one in order to give you both the freedom to make your own choices and have your own feelings.<u> </u></span><u><b><i>{</i></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #3333ff; font-size: small;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" style="color: #5dc2c0;"><i>Finding The Joy</i></a></span><b><i>}</i></b></u></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 20px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><div style="text-align: center;"><b style="font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit;"><span style="color: red; font-family: arial;">You can’t solve other people’s problems</span></b></div></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 20px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-style: inherit;">According to codependency expert Melody Beattie, “</span><i>Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can’t solve problems that aren’t ours to solve, and that worrying doesn’t help.</i><span style="font-style: inherit;">” (Codependent No More, 1992, page 60)</span></span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 20px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-weight: 400;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-style: inherit;">Detaching is a way off of the “relationship rollercoaster”. Detaching allows you to take care of yourself, honor your own feelings and needs, and let go of the guilt and shame that result from taking responsibility for other people’s bad choices. </span><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><i>{</i></span></span><i><span><a href="https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2017/04/codependency-and-the-art-of-detaching-from-dysfunctional-family-members/#.W0zOV0KUErk.facebook" target="_blank">Codependency and the Art of Detaching From Dysfunctional Family Members</a></span><span class="author vcard" style="border: 0px; color: #446677; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: 400; line-height: 0.4em; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 15px 0px 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="fn" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 2px 10px 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">by <a href="https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/author/smartin/" rel="author" style="border: 0px; color: #222222; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; transition: all 0.25s ease-in-out 0s; vertical-align: baseline;">Sharon Martin, LCSW</a>}</span></span></i></blockquote><p> </p></span></h3><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-style: inherit;"><b></b></span></span><blockquote><span style="font-family: arial;"><span><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-style: inherit;"><b>"Ending the role of parent"</b> Detaching usually isn’t cutting ties or ending a relationship but, at times, that can be the healthiest choice. Detaching can help you redefine the relationship and change it to one that works for both of you..</span>
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="font-style: inherit;">I think of detaching as untangling your life from someone else’s – so that your feelings, beliefs, and actions aren’t driven as a response to what someone else is doing.</span></span></span><b><i>{<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/giving-cpr-faith.html" target="_blank">You Have Not Failed</a>!}</i></b></span></blockquote><p><b><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Role Options </span></b></p><b><span style="font-family: arial;"><i></i></span></b><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 20px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><b>Coach </b>- A caring individual whose role is teaching skills and even giving advice (if asked) but there are boundaries. A coach is not involved in the emotional side of the person's life.</li></ul><p></p></span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 20px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit;"><b>Relative</b> - Your adult child is a niece/nephew/cousin - a family member but not immediate family. Someone whose life you're interested in and you care about them but don't usually see on a regular basis.</span></li></ul></span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 20px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit;"><b>Host/Landlord</b> - Treat the child as a guest in your home or possibly a roommate - interactions are friendly but with boundaries. Your expectation is that everyone is respectful and friendly.</span></li></ul><p></p></span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 20px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit;"><b>Representative/Advocate </b>- This has less to do with your interactions with your child and more to do with acting in their best interest. It's usually easier it it's a well-definied structured role. if it's a legal thing (like Rep Payee for their SSI account) or an advocate in specific areas -like handling school, insurance, or other complex issues. For this, it helps to have a POA (Power of Attorney) and the child's verbal or written permission to advocate on his/her behalf. {</span><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/03/legal-guardianship-vs-power-of-attorney.html" style="color: #0b5394; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit;">Legal Guardianship vs Power of Attorney - Notes</a><span face="Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif" style="color: #222222; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit;">}</span></li></ul><p></p></span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 20px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit;"><b>Good Samaritan</b>. Sometimes it's just better for everyone if you treat the child as a stranger instead of someone you have a history with. If you choose you can help him or her with gifts but only what you can afford (emotionally as well as financially). If the child becomes disrespectful, hurtful, and/or abusive treat them as you would any one else behaving this way ( ex. hang up, shut the door, call the police, walk away, confront the behavior...). It can hurt emotionally to set these boundaries but you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.</span></li></ul></span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 20px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li> <b>Survivor. </b>Depending on your relationship (or lack thereof) you child may be your abuser and you need to remove yourself from the toxic relationship. Severing ties is never easy but sometimes it is the only way for you and your family to heal. There are support groups out there for people in this situation. If you want to be connected to one feel free to leave me your contact information in a comment here (I won't post it!). </li></ul></span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 20px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><p><b>It's time to retire as the ringleader of this circus. These are not your monkeys any more.</b></p></span></blockquote><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpm6p09HNqoIBXROQMGDkH3KFYir4XfBY1AngEaE-bKr-xhKIJcPLMadt5zOPkz9ZlQ-9U844IrC6uU_0H2Gq9tpaTFTbqQmsS8-5TMFiAeIkZ-hCtPSEtVxEGKePSNyCmL9jU7lrpiD6_/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><img alt="" data-original-height="413" data-original-width="500" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpm6p09HNqoIBXROQMGDkH3KFYir4XfBY1AngEaE-bKr-xhKIJcPLMadt5zOPkz9ZlQ-9U844IrC6uU_0H2Gq9tpaTFTbqQmsS8-5TMFiAeIkZ-hCtPSEtVxEGKePSNyCmL9jU7lrpiD6_/" width="291" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /> </span><p></p><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 20px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><h2><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">SUMMARY</span></span></h2></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 20px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><h2></h2><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span>Emotional or psychological detachment:</span></span></h4><ul style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; list-style: square; margin: 0px 0px 30px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 20px; vertical-align: baseline;"><li style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: arial; font-size: small;"><b>Focus on what you can control.</b><span style="font-weight: inherit;"> Differentiate what’s in your control and what isn’t.</span></span></li><li style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: arial; font-size: small;"><b>Respond don’t react. </b><span style="font-weight: inherit;">Take time to figure out what you want to say and say it when you’re calm rather than being quick to react in the moment.</span></span></li><li style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: arial; font-size: small;"><b>Respond in a new way.</b><span style="font-weight: inherit;"> For example, instead of taking it personally or yelling, shrug off a rude comment or make a joke of it. This changes the dynamics of the interaction.</span></span></li><li style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: arial; font-size: small;"><b>Allow people to make their own (good or bad) decisions</b><span style="font-weight: inherit;">.</span></span></li><li style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: arial; font-size: small;">Don’t give advice or tell people what they should do.</span></b></li><li style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: arial; font-size: small;"><b>Don’t obsess about other people’s problems</b><span style="font-weight: inherit;">.</span></span></li><li style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: arial; font-size: small;"><b>Set emotional boundaries by letting others know how to treat you</b><span style="font-weight: inherit;">.</span></span></li><li style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: arial; font-size: small;"><b>Give your expectations a reality check</b><span style="font-weight: inherit;">. Unrealistic expectations are often the source of frustration and resentment.</span></span></li><li style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: arial; font-size: small;"><b style="font-style: inherit;">Do something for yourself.</b><span style="font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit;"> Notice what you need right now and try to give it to yourself. </span><b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" target="_blank">{Self-Care!! Caring for the Caregiver}</a></i></b></span></li><li style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: arial; font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">“</span><b><i>Stay on your side of the street</i></b><span style="font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">” (based on a 12-Step slogan). A reminder to deal with your own problems and not interfere with other people’s choices. Aka "Not my circus. Not my monkeys."</span></span></li></ul><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-style: inherit;"><b>Physical detachment:</b></span><br /></span><ul style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; list-style: square; margin: 0px 0px 30px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 20px; vertical-align: baseline;"><li style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: arial;">Take some space from an unproductive argument.</span></b></li><li style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: arial;">Choose not to visit your dysfunctional child (or meet in a neutral location and arrive late and leave early).</span></b></li><li style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: arial;">Leave (potentially) dangerous situations.</span></b></li></ul><h2><span style="font-family: arial; font-style: inherit;">It gets easier!</span></h2><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-style: inherit;">As mentioned earlier, detaching is something that you will need to practice. It goes counter to a </span><b><i>{parent's}</i></b><span style="font-style: inherit;"> nature, but it’s possible when you work at it. You’re stronger and more capable than you may think. Detaching is a way out of the chaos, worry, and emotional pain you’re experiencing. Detaching isn’t something that you must do “all or nothing”. Begin where you are, practice and learn, and in time you’ll see that detaching is not only possible, but freeing.</span></span></blockquote><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">*******************************</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: red; font-family: arial; font-size: large;"> OUR STORY</span></b></p><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">How We Handled Detachment Parenting When They Were Children</span></b></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">I wanted/ needed to be a Detached Parent, but the pressure to prioritize my children's needs was immense. Every time I tried to step back, there was someone there guilting me, shaming me, to do more. (I will admit that often that person was myself - like most women, I'd been taught practically from birth that it was my job to be the nurturer). What kind of horrible parent doesn't do everything possible for their child?! <i>(Hint: the answer is: a healthy one!)</i></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" target="_blank">Finding the Jo</a>y </b>When I decided to choose joy, I was finally able to step back and became more of a detached parent. I gave myself permission to change my priorities. To put me first, then my marriage, then the family as a whole, and <i>then</i> my child. </span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span>
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/09/advocating-for-yourself-your-family-and.html" target="_blank">Prioritizing Yourself, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order</a> </span></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">The rest of my children were suffering from my inability to do it all. There weren't enough hours in the day for everyone. I had to stop prioritizing based on the "squeaky wheel" principle. It was benefiting no one. Not even the squeaky wheel. </span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span> <span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/06/books-and-methods-review-love-and-logic.html" target="_blank">Parenting with Love and Logic</a> </b></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">This book gives lots of practical advice that is great for helping me stay calm, and stop rescuing and controlling my kids. It also gave me ideas </span>of<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> consequences and realistic expectations, and I used it to help me devise logical consequences for the </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods-fair.html" style="background-color: white;" target="_blank"><b>FAIR Club</b></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> (</span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Teens-Updated-Expanded-Publisher/dp/B004TEJURC/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1372518922&sr=1-1&keywords=teens+love+and+logic" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;"><b>Parenting Teens with Love and Logic</b></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> is good too!). </span></span><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span> <i><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b></b></span><blockquote><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b>HOWEVER! </b> You have to keep in mind that these books are written for kids who are attached and capable of feeling guilt (and therefore want to please their parents and care if Mom and Dad are upset with them) and are cognitively able to understand consequences.</span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> {<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/why-i-use-fair-club.html" target="_blank">Using the FAIR Club with Kids of Trauma</a>}</b></blockquote><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"></b></i></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span> <span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span> <span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b>Detachment Parenting with Teens</b></span></span><br /><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/03/at-what-point-do-you-let-go.html" target="_blank">At What Point Do You Let Go?</a></b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">It took me quite a while to understand and accept the fact that my son was going to need </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/11/structure-and-caring-support.html" target="_blank"><b>Structure and Support</b></a><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"> for the rest of his life and for me to feel it was OK to fight the system for him to get that structure. </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">For many years, I had a ton of angst about how to handle my son turning 18. <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" xmlns="">There is a LOT of pressure to "<b><i>lighten up</i></b>" and give our kids the <b>"<i>freedom</i>"</b> to make mistakes, because <b><i>"he's going to have to deal with the real world soon." </i></b></span> <b><i>{<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/10/seeing-forest-for-trees.html" target="_blank">18 Is Not The Finish Line</a>} </i></b></span></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span> <span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">While he was a teen, we provided that structure, and let him know that while he lived under our roof, this was the type of parenting he would receive. We were all relieved when he moved out (which was inevitable because he didn't think he needed this level of structure), even as we worried about what would happen to him. </span></span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>{<i>His almost immediate incarceration proved, to me at least, that he subconsciously knew he needed structure and found a way to get it.</i>}</b></span></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span> <span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Maintaining the level of structure our son needed is exhausting, even when you're as detached as possible. Once again, I had to focus on <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" target="_blank"><b>Self-Care</b></a> to heal from <b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/09/secondary-traumatization-sts-and.html" target="_blank">Caregiver/ Compassion Fatigue</a> </b>and <b><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2019/03/continuous-traumatic-stress-cts.html" target="_blank">Continuous Traumatic Stress (CTS)</a></b>.</span></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span> <span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">Detachment Parenting Children in Adult Bodies</span></b></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b style="color: red; font-size: x-large;">Detaching from the Detached Child</b></span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/giving-cpr-faith.html" target="_blank">You Have Not Failed</a></b></span></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">With my son (13.5 when he came to us), it was easier to detach once I accepted that I hadn't failed. I didn't/ couldn't have a loving relationship with my son - it's not possible to have a relationship with someone incapable of having a relationship (especially when you meet that child as a raging, mentally ill teen).<i style="font-weight: bold;"> {<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/10/what-i-got-from-act-conference.html" target="_blank">Relationships</a>, <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/04/katharine-leslie-seminar-relationships.html" target="_blank">Relationships (Cont.)</a>} </i>Of course, I didn't just decide this and stop caring, but with a lot of support, I was finally able to stop stressing about that which I could not change and start healing. </span></span><b><i>{<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/giving-cpr-faith.html" target="_blank">You Have Not Failed</a>} </i></b><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Outside Structure</b></span></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">There are only a couple of ways to get the type of structure that children like ours need, and our son wasn't eligible for the military. I admit it was validating when our son was quickly incarcerated after leaving our home. He finally got the structure that I'd been saying all along that he desperately needed. He will most likely be in and out of prison for the rest of his life. {<i>He was arrested almost immediately after graduating high school and has only managed to stay out of jail/prison for a few months at a time in the 8 years since then.} </i></span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><i><br /></i></span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><i>Now, he calls my husband instead of me because he knows my husband is more likely to give him money. He only calls when he wants money. I no longer feel guilty about the fact that I don't answer his calls. I try to stay out of all of his drama.</i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"> <span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span> <span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red; font-size: large;"><b>Detaching From the Insecurely Attached Child</b></span></span></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">For me, it's harder to practice detachment parenting with my daughter (11 when she came to us). She IS attached (anxiously attached, but attached). Emotionally she's only about 12-14 years old, but in the eyes of the world (and the law), she's 25. </span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span> <span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Stepping Back from Therapeutic Parenting</b></span></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">The world says she's an adult, but she is not. Emotionally/ Developmentally she is much younger. How do I detach from a "young" child in an adult body? </span><span><i style="font-weight: bold;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/04/but-my-child-needs-me.html" target="_blank">{Giving Until There's Nothing Left - But My Child NEEDS Me!}</a> </i><br /><br />I found it was much easier to step back with my son than with my vulnerable daughter <b><i>{because she's female? because she tends to have "victim" written all over her? because she can get pregnant?... all of the above? I'm not sure.}</i></b></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><br /></b> <span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">9 years of intense <b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" target="_blank">Attachment Therapy</a> </b>with<b> </b>her needing me to provide most of her emotional regulation (and being her frontal lobe), accommodating the world for her, being her case manager and Rep Payee... and now I'm having to redefine what our relationship should look like.</span></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span> <span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/therapeutically-parenting-adult-child.html" target="_blank">Therapeutically Parenting the Adult Child</a> </b></span></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">I tried to continue to be a therapeutic parent after my daughter turned 18 and it worked somewhat while she was in high school <b style="font-style: italic;">{she graduated a couple of months after turning 19}, </b>but she was very resentful of it (especially because she was receiving a lot of validation from her friends, biofamily, and teachers). This damaged our relationship. </span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span> <span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">After graduation, she still desperately needed the structure and support of therapeutic parenting, but society was telling her she was an adult and therefore not only had a right to but deserved all the adult privileges (driving, living in her own place, being able to come and go without telling anyone, getting a pet, handling her own money, going to college, </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">drinking, sex...) even though she could handle none of the responsibilities (paying bills, dealing with insurance, budgeting, housing, health, hygiene...</span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">).<br /><br /></span></span></span><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I</span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">'ve struggled for years with where to draw the line. </span></span></b></div>
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</span><ul>
<li><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/01/adult-boarder-vs-family-girl.html" target="_blank">Adult Boarder vs "Family Girl</a>" </b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">When I try to step back, it triggers her feelings of abandonment. She feels rejected and lashes out, usually by doing things she knows I wouldn't approve of (unprotected sex, drinking, running to biofamily...).</span></span></li>
<li><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2017/04/how-to-get-treated-like-adult.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: arial;">How To Get Treated Like An Adult</span></a></b></li>
<li><b><span style="font-family: arial;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/boarder-agreement.html" target="_blank">Boarder Agreement</a> </span></b></li>
<li><b><span style="font-family: arial;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2018/04/when-adult-child-moves-out.html" target="_blank">When an Adult Child Moves Out</a></span></b></li>
<li><b><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/10/seeing-forest-for-trees.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: arial;">18 Is Not The Finish Line</span></a></b></b></li>
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</div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="clear: right; float: right; font-family: arial; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1522" data-original-width="1404" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUeATb1kxuuzqa6z5K0RIo87Fu-S250v6ZThydNFJs1uBVT0pnQW6m7AsAOPnN94AcJRjwGUSItL4IW3ccvTv9v_FqIMQT5FAKoOhL0f2_gSdJRfh-1__G_UMaHYq4T4zqll96u1c2LGD2/s320/little+red+hen.jpg" width="295" /></span></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">The Little Red Hen</span></b><br /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I finally decided that for everyone's sake, I needed to back off - To be a Detached Parent. I was exhausted and being the Little Red Hen was slowly killing me. I hated being resentful and angry all the time.</span></span><br /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I'll admit that backing off is frustrating as hell because deep down, I know it's not really in her best interest and I'm making more work for myself in the future. {when she gets pregnant, when I have to deal with yet another marathon session of helping her through an emotional breakdown, when she possibly burns down the house, </span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: arial;">when she asks for more money for food and/or medicine,</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> when we get overrun by bugs and rodents because she keeps food and who knows what all in her room...).</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I worked hard to change my role to "life coach" and "case manager/ representative"</span></span><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"> and I'm slowly getting better at letting go<br /></span></span><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I still listen when she vents about her boyfriend, friends, and co-workers, and give her my advice when asked, but just as often, I cut her off and let her know I'm busy.</span></span><br /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /><h3 style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: red;">I tried not to let my resentment color our relationship. It did get easier over time.</span></b></h3></span></span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b>What Our Lives Look Like Now</b></span></span><br /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I still struggle with setting boundaries and remaining detached. I slip a lot, especially when it is something that is unsafe or could have life-changing consequences (like pregnancy or losing her SSI). </span></span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Kitty decided to move in with her boyfriend. While we doubted seriously that it would end well, we finally decided not to intervene. The respite was greatly appreciated and at the time, that alone was probably worth the fallout when/if it fell apart. Of course, I did do everything I could think of to ensure she did not get pregnant.<i> {</i></span></span><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2018/04/when-adult-child-moves-out.html" target="_blank">When an Adult Child Moves Out</a>}</i></b></span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">She's happy being what she thinks of as a normal adult. Of course, she still has a lot of the support she needs (I handle her finances, her boyfriend handles a lot of the daily living stuff like paying rent and other bills, he and I both provide her with the emotional regulation she needs...). It's not ideal but for now, it's working. <span style="font-family: arial;"><b><i><br /></i></b><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>Maturity</b><br />I have to admit she has surprised me. While she still has major issues (and always will), she has grown and matured a lot more than I thought she would ever be capable of. In the last 5 years, her emotional/developmental age has grown from about age 12 to what I would guess is 15/16 <b><i>{She's 25}</i></b>. She has managed to live semi-independently, finds, and occasionally keeps for a few months, a part-time job. Her panic attacks are still fairly frequent but she can usually handle the fallout with the help of myself and/or her boyfriend. </span></span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/10/applying-for-ssi-for-your-adult-child.html" target="_blank">SSI (Social Security Income for people with Disabilities)</a></b></span></span></span><br /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">I have worked hard to get and keep my daughter on SSI. It requires almost constant case management. I am her Rep Payee, which means I am legally obligated to handle her finances including managing her living expenses (rent, food, utilities, miscellaneous). How this looks has varied over the years. <b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/10/applying-for-ssi-for-your-adult-child.html" target="_blank">{Getting SSI For Your Adult Child</a>}</i></b></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Unfortunately, she and her boyfriend have decided to get married. You're probably thinking, "What's the difference?" The difference is that marriage combines their incomes, which means that she'll no longer qualify for SSI, which is needs-based. {</span></span><b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/10/applying-for-ssi-for-your-adult-child.html" target="_blank">Marriage and SSI Benefits}</a></i></b><br /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">She cannot hold a job and is not really able to handle full-time work for very long, so most of her jobs have been part-time because as soon as she gets to full-time, she ends up leaving because she can't handle the stress, or being let go. Without SSI, she will lose her only steady income and Medicaid. She needs Medicaid to pay for her frequent doctor visits, therapy, and medications.</span></span><br /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><div><b>Backing Off</b></div><div><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Unfortunately, she still wants to believe she's "normal." In her reality, she's able to work a full-time job (or two) and get medical benefits. Everything will work out... because she wants it to. It's so frustrating for me because it's impossible to have a discussion with logical reasons why this is not a good idea and won't work. Her reality is so distorted it's like arguing with a two-year-old (frustrating for both you and the child!)</span><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">. Accepting that I can't change this is incredibly difficult!</span></div><div><br />It's hard but I try to stay out of the drama, to give her my opinion only when asked, and then tell her, "It's your choice." If/when she brings it up again, especially if I think she really has forgotten what I said, I repeat "it's your choice" but most of the time, I just say, "You know how I feel about that" and move on (it usually helps to distract her with a subject change).</div><div><br /></div></span><span style="font-family: arial;"><div>Sometimes when she asks my opinion, especially if I feel that she's dumping a problem on me, accusing me of something, and/or won't listen to my opinion anyway, I turn it back onto her and say things like, </div><div><b><i><br /></i></b></div><h3 style="text-align: center;"><b><i> <span style="color: red;">"Wow, that sucks. How are you going to handle that?" </span></i></b></h3><div><br /></div><div>She made some REALLY horrible decisions but remaining detached has removed a lot of her defiance, improved our relationship, and made it possible for her to come back to me for advice and emotional support. </div><div><br /></div><div>And most importantly, my life doesn't suck anymore. </div></span></span></div></span><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 20px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br /></blockquote>
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</div>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-82324955139734229172018-03-06T09:50:00.001-06:002018-03-06T09:50:27.404-06:00Trying to Shed Lght on the Reality <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw-_GyNwX6gPCkfZwOjEixEEqwxBWtl50z6eW8B87iFrPB0TqFSXYRVoE6dXywxECfLHKK0NoHt7kvdsbi62Jov-HpYBcmf9sD5npveNCnKIQ9l7DkleyB-Da9McFGhRFgorkp52IBpQxK/s1600/Born+to+be+real.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="500" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw-_GyNwX6gPCkfZwOjEixEEqwxBWtl50z6eW8B87iFrPB0TqFSXYRVoE6dXywxECfLHKK0NoHt7kvdsbi62Jov-HpYBcmf9sD5npveNCnKIQ9l7DkleyB-Da9McFGhRFgorkp52IBpQxK/s320/Born+to+be+real.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Trying to shed light on the reality </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><i>a guest post by a fellow trauma mama (posted with permission)</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Dear friends and acquaintances, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #1d2129;">I'm hoping to share some of the things our Adopted families face when our kids have spent their first 1 to 8 years (in our case) in and out of the child welfare system. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There is no shortage of factual research and evidence of many of our family's extra challenges that are specific to the developmental process and specific needs we face everyday. The problem is in denying both the parent and the children avenues for coexisting within the same social structures that cause many of these injuries. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The abuse/neglect is due to both the actions of the biological families as well as the foster care system - so our families have these origins because we became a family through adoption. </span><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We did not cause the harm. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In our case, I was never given any case file or factual history, but we are the ones stepping up to be the other Mom or Dads who can do better by them and help them work through their grief and the troubles bestowed upon them pain & confusion, unaddressed and long mishandled. </span><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My children experienced things early in life that had and continue to affect them and in turn affect us - we are a family who faces extra challenges in our lives that most people do not understand. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We are fortunate that a long time ago we were brought together permanently as a family, We are able to work through things when others just let us do our thing and do not interfere. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The purpose of this post is this issue of intolerance. As their Mom, I dedicated myself long ago to work as hard as necessary to help reverse the effects of experiences that NO child should have to go through because of the careless abusive, neglect and absence of conscious, nurturing, comprehensive child care by the adults in charge at the time. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The harm and the damage from the maltreatment caused a few things to happen that changes things for us and you are not expected to fully understand these issues. They do affect you as you are a part of our society but not in the way that you think. We parents of children dealing with the affects of complex early childhood trauma do work on this additional aspect of development daily - for us its part of our norm. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>We are not a broken part of society or a part who is looking for your pity, we are an amazing and beautiful aspect of society that your ignorance is not seeing correctly and you are missing our blessings. </b></span></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We are the Adoptive Parents of a sibling group. We are real parents like you - but few people are willing or able to make the type of commitments we consciously accept along with our gifts (our children </span><span class="_5mfr _47e3" style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 0; margin: 0px 1px; vertical-align: middle;"><img alt="" class="img" height="16" role="presentation" src="https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/ff3/1.5/16/2764.png" style="border: 0px; vertical-align: -3px;" width="16" /><span class="_7oe" style="display: inline-block; width: 0px;">❤️ </span></span><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">). I), It is enormous and it is a lifelong commitment labor of love that not many biological parents are capable of seeing through to the end. I look to the way in which we are treated with a constant lack of care, constantly being criticized and misunderstood as the clear evidence.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The time is past due for the people in our communities to generally understand a few things and in our communities to become more informed. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We are acutely aware of the complex nature that early childhood trauma had on our children’s development. Please just take a step back and see our families as normal but different then yours, not better or worse just not the same. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It would be a huge help if others in our world did not judge us based on beliefs that are simply incorrect. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Basically just because you are a parent or have had classes in early childhood development it does not mean you know what you are looking at when you see our families acting up. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Please respect our families right to privacy and our right to have a fighting chance, and pray for us to keep the faith. Support us without judgement, the parents above all else, because we DO know our children. We believe in them and we are in the front lines with them fighting. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Secrets and lies breakdown their faith in us and most of the time we are protecting them from their dangerous behaviors. In the more complex cases, like ours, we are studying and learning and praying all day everyday for better tools and for the public to stop negatively impacting our fragile families. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Our kids often learned to lie, cheat, steal, manipulate and play people against one another from their abusers. We are trying to teach them that it's OK to trust a loving mother or father even though that concept has been hard - literally beaten out of them. The abuse was taught to them since birth ( often when the parent was under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol) and then again by them being continuously shuffled around like property. The layers of trauma are not easy to explain. </span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Outside chatter that interferes with our ability to reach them and keep them is very possibly permanently harming and re-injuring our children. </span></b></blockquote>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This “help” often reverses healing and reinforces the beliefs that all people are selfish and no one really does care. </span></b></blockquote>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Please realize that this applies to every single adult that comes into contact with our children (who usually appear healthy). Your attempts to "rescue" them and "help" is actually causing more harm.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Sadly these people do exist. As a parent, I'm often offended that its perfectly OK for everyone to cause more harm to my children day after day. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Many of our kids “need,” or think they need, to control every aspect of their lives because they had none when the hurt happened. It's usually the reason they manipulate all the so called experts and adults. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The adults all but encourage this too, with the loaded questions and the desire to be a hurt kid's hero. Taking responsibility for these controlling and manipulative behaviors is apparently near to impossible for both the outsider and our children. (We know about our kid's issue with this but the outsiders - not so much) </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I personally find it unbelievably careless for the adults that make up our society and the public at large to "wing it" with personal bias and false beliefs. As long as the truth stays suppressed, everyone can happily blame someone else and not face reality - all the while perfectly satisfied being the biggest part of the problem. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Adults are too lazy or jaded or whatever to take a few minutes to understand things better. Maybe someday you could give the adopted parents the benefit of doubt and just listen carefully to our requests. They are usually simple but very specific. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For us, comprehensive care is make or break and our system has across the board failed us in creating support that works. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We do know what our children need though and it's referenced in part above </span><span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">. </span><span class="_5mfr _47e3" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 0; margin: 0px 1px; vertical-align: middle;"><span style="border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-style: initial;"><img alt="" class="img" height="16" role="presentation" src="https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/ff3/1.5/16/2764.png" style="border: 0px; vertical-align: -3px;" width="16" /></span><span class="_7oe" style="display: inline-block; width: 0px;">❤ </span></span></div>
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<b>Some Additional Posts on this Subject:</b><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><a href="http://confessionsofanadoptiveparent.com/dont-save-my-child/" target="_blank">Don't Save My Child - by Confessions of an Adoptive Parent</a></b><br /><b style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/03/dear-friend-or-family-member.html" target="_blank">Dear Person Who Just Doesn't "Get It"</a></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/05/i-finally-hit-send.html" target="_blank">What My Child Learned From Not Getting Consequences From School</a><span id="goog_1316787521"></span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/"></a><span id="goog_1316787522"></span></span></div>
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<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/09/advocating-for-yourself-your-family-and.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Prioritizing Yourself, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order</span></a></div>
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<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/if-you-find-out-im-not-perfect-youll.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Why Do They Act Like That?</span></a></div>
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<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?</span></a></div>
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marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-30488799233996359162017-11-16T15:08:00.000-06:002017-11-16T15:08:33.382-06:00Trauma Mama Gift Swap 2017<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUgN7H4oJ-lJ-oyCStmyn71gCx8-NjHJZlW056IwNKac-zjQlWKPZoegRz8vb8Cs2NdChesliONcaijx96BD_ptplDYgsrxdKKzrVnTNQHRFlvJpsaGT3imgY8hGaIv-2R_O0GuIdvItJY/s1600/gift.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="183" data-original-width="275" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUgN7H4oJ-lJ-oyCStmyn71gCx8-NjHJZlW056IwNKac-zjQlWKPZoegRz8vb8Cs2NdChesliONcaijx96BD_ptplDYgsrxdKKzrVnTNQHRFlvJpsaGT3imgY8hGaIv-2R_O0GuIdvItJY/s1600/gift.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Several trauma mamas and I have decided to do a small Trauma Mama gift swap. If you are a trauma mama and interested in participating, please complete your registration form (there's a copy in the comments) and email it to marythemommy at gmail dot com. </b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="color: #38761d;">Please be 100% sure that you are able to participate, remember there is another trauma mama who may be hurt and disappointed i</span><span style="color: #38761d;">f you do not follow through.</span></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">One of my favorite things to do at Christmas time over the last few years is to participate in the Trauma Mama Holiday Gift Swap. Unfortunately over the years, the people sponsoring it found that doing this for large groups quickly became too much for any one person to organize. For one reason or another, many people did not honor their obligations (which I totally understand as we are all trauma mamas and Christmas time is HARD!) so many mamas did not receive gifts. Many others tried to step in and fill the gaps, but a lot of needy mamas were hurt and disappointed.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Over the years, I have participated in a small group exchanges, one on one swaps with another mom, and been an "angel" to a trauma mama who could not afford a gift for her child or herself. I'm so glad to be in a place in my life where I can do this.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">If anyone wants to organize their own gift swap or just exchange with a friend, here's a form I adapted from the From Survival to Serenity 2012 trauma mama holiday gift swap. I found it to be particularly helpful in finding just the right gifts. I hope this will inspire you to start your own group or just a one on one swap with another mom. Moms deserve special gifts under the tree too!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Trauma Mamas Holiday Gift Swap Registration</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Please complete at least the required questions marked with an asterisk. All other "Get to Know You" questions are optional, but please do keep in mind that the more questions you answer, the better the person who gets your name will be able to connect with you. It will also help us in creating matches based on similar situations, geographic areas, interests, etc.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">**Hint** If you would like to answer the "Getting to Know You" questions, but don't have time to complete the whole form all at once, write out your answers in a word processing program and then cut and paste them into the form boxes when you're ready to send it in. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Registration forms are due no later than <b>November 21.</b> All matches will be made on or before November 22. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Unless there are special circumstances that need to be considered, packages should be mailed to their recipients no later than <b>December 14</b>. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">International packages will need to be shipped no later than <b>December 1</b>. We learned from sad experience that if they're shipped any later than that, they don't arrive before Christmas, even when they're coming from or going to Canada.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: red;">* Required</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: red;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: red;"><b>Contact and Shipping Information</b>*</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: red;">Name (first and last):*</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: red;">Shipping Address:*</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: red;">E-mail:*</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Other Contact Information:</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Examples: Blog, Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Pinterest, etc. You are also welcome to include a phone number or whatever other contact information you wish and/or feel comfortable sharing.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Getting to Know You</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">These questions aren't required, but the more you share, the more the mama who gets your name will be able to get a feel for who YOU are outside of being a trauma mama. Finding a gift that will be enjoyed by the recipient is a big part of the fun.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Not only does this information help her be able to put together a special gift for you, but it will also help us in deciding who you ultimately get matched with.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">One of the most fun aspects of participating in an event like this is finding others to add to your circles of support and friendship. If matches can be made among people with similar interests or family situations or whatever, they will be. Unless otherwise noted, these answers (along with your contact information) will be shared with the person you are matched with.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Briefly describe yourself. </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Share whatever you want about what makes you you.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></span><br />
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Your personality</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">General age</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Your profession / how do you spend your time</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Any special talents</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Share a bit about your family.</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></span><br />
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How many kids you have and their ages</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Bio or adopted? If adopted, how old were they at adoption? Where were they adopted from?</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What special needs do they have?</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What type of activities do you enjoy participating in with your family?</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Are you married, in a relationship, single?</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">If you had spare time for hobbies or interests, what would they be?</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">What are your top 3 favorite movies?</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">...the ones you could watch over and over again and only love them more each time you see them.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">What are your favorite colors?</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">...both for decorating and for wearing?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">What is your decorating style?</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">funky, contemporary, eclectic, shabby-chic, country, traditional, minimalist…</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Do you collect anything in particular? </b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">(coins, figurines, butterflies, angels, snowmen, etc)</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">What are some of your favorite things?</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">These would be things you love and enjoy having in your life and in your space</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">What type of gifts would you most like? </b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">things to pamper yourself, accessories, crafts, soft cuddly items, inspirational items, food treats, things you collect…</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">What types of things do you dislike?</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">This would be things you smile sweetly at initially, but then they secretly end up in the trash bin later on.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Do you have any allergies? Gluten free? Caffeine free? </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Include food, chemical, metal, etc</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">What are your favorite foods and/or beverages? Do you drink alcohol?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Do you have any dietary restrictions and/or preferences?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">What are your 3 most favorite restaurants?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">What stores do you like to shop at when looking for a little something special for yourself?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Is there anything else you'd like to share? </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">ie: a particular religious affiliation, perhaps you celebrate a holiday other than Christmas, any unique life circumstances or situations, etc.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Commitments</span></b></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: red;"><b>I am 100% committed to participating in this event.</b> *(Yes/ No)</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">100% commitment means that I acknowledge and understand there is a very real mama with very real feelings on the other end of this swap. She's also a trauma mama who's been in or is still in the trenches just like I am. She's very likely put much of herself into preparing something special for another mama. I want her to receive something special this holiday season to remind her that she is loved, that the work she's doing is worth it, and that she's not alone. It would be very sad for her to be looking forward to receiving something special from a potential new friend, but not have it arrive. I will make sure that doesn't happen!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: red;"><b>What if I need to back out? </b><b>*</b>(Yes/ No)</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">If circumstances arise and I'm unable to keep my participation commitment, I will notify one of the organizers as quickly as possible so another match can be found for my assigned mama.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: red;"><b>Shipping Confirmation </b>*(Yes/ No)</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I promise to ship my package using a method that can be tracked, even if I have to pay a little bit extra in order to make that happen. I want to make sure my mama actually gets my package once I've sent it.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I can help with this event by...</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">If you have the time, sanity, and desire to help make sure this event continues to be a fun and fulfilling experience for everyone, please let us know.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I can help with event coordination and logistics if needed.</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Should the need arise, I can help with the coordination efforts and logistics of this event. I am willing to help out by working with the other event coordinators, sending emails to other participants as needed, or doing whatever else is needed to make sure the logistics of this event are manageable.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">• Yes/No</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I am willing and able to ship my package internationally if needed</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">• Yes/No</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I am willing and able to be an "Angel Mama" if needed.</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Should the need arise, I can help out by putting together a second package for a second mama. Feel free to contact me if you need some help in this area.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">• Yes/No</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">If you have a question or want a copy of the form emailed to you, please feel free to leave a comment on this post (Comments are moderated. I will not publish any comments with personal information like emails).</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"></span></span><br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There's a form in the comment section. </span></span></b></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To participate you must email this completed form to marythemommy at gmail dot com. </span></span></b></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Be sure to add this email to your safe senders list so you will receive updates.</span></span></b></div>
marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-24650678900839134552017-10-25T02:29:00.008-05:002023-05-07T14:13:23.914-05:00Why Won't My Child Just Behave?!<div class="separator tr_bq" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkt76RtOcaJtaRuEmx2mqTAhZ4JX9IgL-M_JZdW4m_dZq5kQKK7b02YdE0ADKomzKXPgAJrRDydqhFPOFpkbC2Ukmo8m3DHDQQtuFKgrnegK-SeBkA0YN4Iry9bhLB3aoG2SKMZqteWIdH/s1600/behaving+badly.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="655" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkt76RtOcaJtaRuEmx2mqTAhZ4JX9IgL-M_JZdW4m_dZq5kQKK7b02YdE0ADKomzKXPgAJrRDydqhFPOFpkbC2Ukmo8m3DHDQQtuFKgrnegK-SeBkA0YN4Iry9bhLB3aoG2SKMZqteWIdH/s320/behaving+badly.jpg" width="291" /></span></a></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial;"><b><i><span style="color: red;">Kids do well if they CAN. This has nothing to do with whether or not they want to</span></i></b><span style="color: #222222;">. </span></span></span></blockquote>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial;"><i><b>Our role is not to make him want to, he already does. Our role is to figure out what is getting in his way, and help him. Changing our focus to finding out what is challenging him, helps both the child and ourselves.</b></i> - <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/02/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic_9.html" target="_blank">Dr. Ross Greene</a></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" target="_blank">FINDING THE JOY</a></b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">I know that, for myself, understanding <i><b>why </b></i>my child is acting this way makes it feel a lot less like a personal attack. It's much easier to feel empathetic, and I'm less likely to be personally triggered by it. <b><i>HOWEVER,</i></b> just because I understand why my child is acting this way doesn't mean it doesn't drain my emotional reserves. To remain a calm, therapeutic parent (vs a raving lunatic) requires a ton of<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" target="_blank"><b> Self-Care</b></a>.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">(For help figuring out how to achieve this state, check out this post - <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b>Finding the Joy</b></a>)</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><b><span style="color: red; font-family: arial; font-size: x-large;">Identifying the Challenges </span></b></span></h2>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">We don't always know why children (especially children of trauma) act the way they do. It’s possible that they just want to watch adults get all agitated, maybe they want adults to fight to distract them from the child (and thus avoid conflict), or maybe they're trying to recreate the chaos that their brains are used to and therefore it feels comfortable and familiar - often they were "pickled" in adrenaline (or alcohol) in utero... </span></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" target="_blank">Age-Appropriate Parenting</a></span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b>Trauma can cause significant delays in development (emotionally, socially, intellectually...). Frequent moves and other traumatic life events can also cause delays or even get them stuck at the age the trauma occurred. Emotionally "triggering" events can cause a child to regress to a much younger age. Most kids with PTSD (and brain damage from RAD) have a tough time with processing, memory, object permanence, emotional regulation... </b></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: red; font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><b>Expecting a child to "act his/her age," can cause frustration and anger for both of you.</b></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><b><span style="font-size: large; line-height: 20.7px;"><a href="https://www.verywell.com/preoperational-stage-of-cognitive-development-2795461" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Preoperational Stage</a></span></b><span style="line-height: 18.4px;"><a href="https://www.verywell.com/preoperational-stage-of-cognitive-development-2795461" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></a><span style="font-size: 12pt;">- </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.4px;">From age 2-6, children are in the "Pre-operations" stage which means they create meaning through fantasy. They are very <u>visual</u> and must touch or feel everything. </span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.4px;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.4px;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/katharine-leslie-seminar-object.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b>Object Permanence</b></a></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.4px;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Kids with arrested development at the Preoperational stage (which is common for children of trauma) are not able to understand how we can infer things without seeing them. If you can't see it, Mom, it didn't happen. You <i>can't know</i>. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.4px;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Let me say that again! <b>If you didn't see it, you couldn't know! </b> (More posts on <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/katharine-leslie-seminar-object.html" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">Object Permanence</a><b> </b>and<b> <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/katharine-leslie-seminar-object_31.html" target="_blank">Object Permanence (cont)</a>.} </b>A child without a grasp of Object Permanence can feel that you are punishing them for no reason at all! </span></span></span></div>
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<li><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial;"><b>Toddlers (~2 - 3 years)</b><br style="font-size: 13.2px;" /><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Toddlers don't play with other children, but instead, do what we call parallel play. </span></span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;"><b style="color: #222222;">Pre-schoolers (~3 - 4 years)</b><br /><span style="color: #222222;">It's not until empathy develops at age 3 or 4 that they start to be aware of their playmates' needs and feelings. </span><br /><b><span style="color: red;">Having no Empathy means that prior to this age they don't understand that their actions (biting, hitting, yelling...) hurts others. </span></b><span style="color: #222222;">When they're toddlers this is not such a big deal. When they are teens...</span></span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><b style="color: #222222;">Early School Age (~5 - 6 years)</b><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>Magical Thinking/ Distorted Reality</b></span><b style="color: #222222;"> - </b></span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-size: 12pt;">Around age 5 or 6, children go through the "magical thinking" stage. They can want something so badly that they believe it, so it is true. I firmly believe that they could pass a lie detector on this. It becomes their reality and I don't believe they even remember that wasn't how it happened.<br /><b><i> </i></b></span><b><i><span style="color: #222222;">{</span>This post has more info on brain development, including why kids <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/lying.html" target="_blank">Lie and Stea<span style="color: #0b5394;">l</span></a><span style="color: #222222;">}</span></i></b></span></li>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b><span style="font-size: large; line-height: 27.6px;"><a href="https://www.verywell.com/concrete-operational-stage-of-cognitive-development-2795458" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Concrete Operational Stage</a></span></b></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">6-10 years</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b>Concrete/ Black and White Thinking </b></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">– Children under the age of 10 are concrete thinkers, and their brain is not yet wired to grasp abstract concepts at all. </span></span><br />
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I tend to try to teach using examples and analogies (especially when natural or logical consequences don’t work). My kids could NOT get it. <br />For example, if I used as an example how they handled or could have handled a previous issue, most of the time they were instantly triggered into “fight, flight or freeze mode” because they felt they were being punished for this past transgression. If I tried using an example or analogy, like the “Boy Who Cried Wolf, ” they just couldn’t generalize it to the current situation. They had no idea why I was bringing it up.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"></span><span style="background-color: white;"><blockquote><span style="color: red;"><b>Children with arrested development at the Concrete Operational Stage (</b>which is common for children with trauma issues<b>), </b></span></blockquote><blockquote><span style="color: red;"><b>Are not able to learn from:</b></span></blockquote><blockquote><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="color: red;"><b>peer or parent role modeling (watching others to see how they handle situations) </b></span></li></ul></blockquote><blockquote><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="color: red;"><b>natural or logical consequences</b></span></li></ul></blockquote><blockquote><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="color: red;"><b>examples or analogies</b></span> </li></ul></blockquote></span><b style="background-color: white; color: red;"><blockquote>because often, they can't generalize one situation to another. </blockquote></b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-size: large; line-height: 27.6px;"><a href="https://www.verywell.com/formal-operational-stage-of-cognitive-development-2795459" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Formal Operational Stage</a></span></b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">12 years - young adult</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Thinking becomes much more sophisticated and advanced. Kids can think about abstract and theoretical concepts and use logic to come up with creative solutions to problems. Skills such as logical thought, deductive reasoning, and systematic planning also emerge during this stage.</span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span></span></span><h2 style="text-align: left;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b><span style="font-family: arial;">How We Handled Age-Appropriate Parenting:</span></b></span></span></h2>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I try to parent based on the child's emotional age</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> </span></span><br /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" style="background-color: white; color: #5dc2c0;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Therapeutic Parenting Based on Developmental/Emotional Age</span></a><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2017/07/choosing-joy-explaining-age-appropriate.html" target="_blank">Explaining Age-Appropriate Parenting To Your Child</a></span></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/therapeutically-parenting-adult-child.html" target="_blank"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>Age-Appropriate Therapeutic Parenting for the Adult Child</b></span></a></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-2.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">Discipline Versus Behavior Problems</span></a></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Trauma, especially <b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/05/books-and-methods-review-trauma-and.html" target="_blank">Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)</a></b> can cause<u style="font-weight: bold;"> permanent brain damage</u></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> and the brain has to be taught how to work around it </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Discipline problems</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> (noncompliance, misbehavior) occur when the caregivers have not structured the child's environment for success or when parents are inconsistent (expectations or consequences), non-responsive, or inaccessible. When adults adjust their behaviors and attitudes, often children with discipline problems can be brought under control in as few as 3 to 7 days.</span></span></blockquote>
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Behavior problems</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> on the other hand lie within the child. These are persistent behaviors that do not disappear even with the best parenting (although therapeutic parenting can help to control the behaviors). These can include impulsivity, inattentiveness, immaturity, and other behaviors and issues caused by trauma and mental health disorders - C-PTSD, RAD, ADHD, FASD, anxiety, brain injuries and other behaviors associated with missing capacities like object relations and empathy.</span></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><b><i>{<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Chap. 2 </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-2.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;">Discipline vs. Behavior Problems</a>}</i></b><br />
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: arial;">YOU CAN NOT EXPECT PUNISHMENT OR DISCIPLINE</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><span style="color: red;">TO "FIX" BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS!</span></b><br /><b style="color: #222222;"><br /></b><span style="color: #222222;">Let me say that again.</span><br /><b style="color: #222222;"><br /></b></span><br />
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: arial; font-size: large;">YOU CAN NOT EXPECT PUNISHMENT OR DISCIPLINE</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: arial; font-size: large;">TO "FIX" BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS!</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Having behavior problems is like being born with poor eyesight. No amount of punishment or control is going to fix this problem. Glasses will help. However, the parent will be responsible for taking the child for regular eye check-ups, teaching him/her how to care for the glasses, and restricting activities where the glasses are likely to break. </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">The goal is that by the time the child is 18, he/she will be ready and able to take full responsibility for the care of his own eyes and glasses.</span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b>How We Handled Behavior Problems:</b></span></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I try to remind myself that my kids are SCARED, and punishment for something that was </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-2.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">out of their control </a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">is not just mean, it is pointless. </span></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><i><br /></i></b></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">As children emotionally heal, you will most likely start to see some improvement in behavior problems. </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-management-outline.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">Therapeutic parenting</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-weight: bold;">, </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">Therapy</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b>, </b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/02/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">Structure</a><b>, </b>and<b> </b></span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/01/more-on-medication.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">Medications</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> can help a child heal. In the meantime, we need to focus on taking care of ourselves so that we can help the child with healing. <b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" target="_blank">{Finding the Joy, </a></i></b><span style="color: #3333ff;"><a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2019/03/continuous-traumatic-stress-cts.html" style="color: #00818b; text-decoration-line: none;"><i><b>Handling Continuous Traumatic Stress(CTS) - When Your PTSD is Not Post/Past Yet</b></i></a></span><b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" target="_blank">}</a></i></b></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" target="_blank"> </a></i></b></span></span></span><br />
</span><blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: red;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>I can hear you thinking, "My kid's behavior was horrible today! He doesn't deserve to go on a fun outing. He'll think he's won.</b></span></span></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white;"><b>I get it, but he may not <i>deserve</i> it, but he <i>needs</i> it. We tried to balance this so it didn't feel like a reward and wasn't a "blank slate" (forget it ever happened). Plus, if we stayed home, or one parent stayed home, then the family couldn't go anywhere or do anything together.. because someone was </b></span></span><b><i>always </i></b><b>in trouble). </b></span></blockquote>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial;"><b><i>Our solution?</i> All the children were allowed to go on "family activities" (<i>or if the activity was overwhelming or triggering for a child, we found something else for that child to do with a trusted adult</i>). If the <u>whole family </u>was doing something together, like going to the park, or the movies, or out to eat... then the child could go. We wanted there to be obvious rewards to being part of our family.</b></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b style="background-color: white;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">Not Feeling Safe</a></span></b></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Children NEED to feel </span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">safe</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> to start to heal. This <a href="https://www.blogger.com/blog/post/edit/3852422397272068136/2465067890083913455#" target="_blank"><b>feeling of safety</b></a> is not about physical safety and often isn't based on reality – it is a perceived feeling of safety.</span></span></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial;"><b><i>A child who feels unsafe is a scared child. A scared child will act out (or act in) to try to feel safe again.</i></b></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Just like our kids keep using old defense mechanisms that are no longer needed, our kids with scary, traumatic early childhoods often get stuck in the feeling that they are not safe.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="font-size: large;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><span style="color: red;"><b><i>This is a <u>life-or-death</u> feeling!</i></b></span> </span></div>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Feeling unsafe is not rational. You can't explain to the child that they're safe now. Logic doesn't work. Feelings of being unsafe can pop up at the most unexpected times (just like PTSD flashbacks can). </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> </span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Generally, this feeling of being unsafe will fade as our child heals, but there will probably always be times when it comes up again. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">For a good explanation of why kids with trauma issues don't feel safe see: <b>The Frozen Lake Story</b> (at the bottom of this post) by </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic_1498.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;"><b>Nancy Thomas</b></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">“<b><i>Children who don't feel safe in infancy have trouble regulating their moods and emotional responses as they grow older. By Kindergarten, many disorganized infants are either aggressive or spaced out and disengaged, and they go on to develop a range of psychiatric problems. They also show more physiological stress, as expressed in heart rate, heart rage variability, stress hormone responses, and lowered immune factors. Does this kind of biological dysregulation automatically reset to normal as a child matures or is moved to a safe environment? So far as we know, it does not</i></b>.” ~ The Body Keeps the Score, <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/290396.Bessel_A_van_der_Kolk" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Beseel A van der Kolk, M.D</a>.</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">For a fantastic explanation of safety and why it is so important - plus what to do about it, I highly recommend the video </span><a href="https://www.createspace.com/331053" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b>Chaos to Healing - Therapeutic Parenting 101</b></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> which explains <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic_1625.html" target="_blank"><b>Daniel Hughes</b></a> P.A.C.E concept in an easy-to-understand and practical way. One of the presenters in this video is therapeutic parent and coach, </span><a href="http://parentinginspace.com/speakers/christine-moers/" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b>Christine Moers</b></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I HIGHLY recommend it.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b>War Zone</b></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Children of trauma are often easily triggered, extremely sensitive to emotions, unable to regulate their emotions... causing them to react as if they are in a warzone. You can't learn, attach, and heal if you don't feel safe and you're living in a war zone! </span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b>How We Handled Not Feeling Safe: </b></span></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br style="color: #222222;" /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Our kids need to feel safe and loved.<b><i> {<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?</a>}</i></b> </span></span></span></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">That meant I couldn’t punish them by taking away all fun stuff (even though I wanted to!!!) {</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">A post on </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/10/consequences-versus-privileges.html" target="_blank"><b>Consequences vs Privileges</b></a>}</span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Our kids NEED </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chapter-3.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b>Rules, Structure, Support, Routines, and Boundaries</b></a><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chapter-3.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"> </a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">to feel safe.</span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b>Additional Challenges:</b></span></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span></span></span><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 18pt;">Attention Seeking? </span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">At first, my daughter's nonsense questions and
babbling about TV shows or the latest drama at school (things and people I know
nothing and care nothing about), felt like she was trying to keep all the focus
on her and/or drive me crazy. I found myself starting to avoid her. Then I
noticed a pattern. When she was feeling anxious and overwhelmed, she started
doing what my mom called "pressured speech." <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-outline-level: 1; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; color: #059336; font-size: 27pt; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt; padding: 0in;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; color: #059336; font-size: 27pt; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt; padding: 0in;">Nonsense
chatter</span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">I really can’t stop talking cos you might forget I’m here </span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">It keeps your focus on me as I bend your weary ear</span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">Lots and lots of nonsense questions </span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">I just switch off from your objections </span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">What’s the purple-ist purple that you have ever seen</span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">What are we having for dinner and why is the grass green </span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">I’m scared I’ll be invisible if I cease to babble on</span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">I need to keep your interest to feel like I belong </span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">I cannot sit here quietly cos of wobbles in my belly </span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">So I make lots of noise and I interrupt the telly </span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">What if you don’t feed me or make me go away</span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">You’ll always know I’m here if I’ve got lots to say</span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">It’s all about survival and making sure you’re near </span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">The nonsense in my questions stem from all my fear </span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">I know this drives you crazy and can make you feel insane </span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">It all comes from my trauma and underdeveloped brain </span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">I need your reassurance that you’ve not forgotten me </span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">Let me know you’ll listen when you’ve finished cooking tea</span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">Try to be more playful and say your ears are full</span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">But they’ll be far more empty when I get home from school</span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">If my questions are ridiculous, relay them back to me </span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">It’ll interrupt my trauma and might be quite funny </span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">Gently touch my shoulder and remind me that you’re there</span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">Let me know you understand the need behind my fear </span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">And lastly but not least, please do not forget</span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;">Developmentally I’m younger and my brain’s not caught up yet!</span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 5pt; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0in;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blog/post/edit/3852422397272068136/2465067890083913455"><span style="color: blue;">Sarah Dillon - National Association of Therapeutic Parents</span></a>
</span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">How We Handled It</span></b><span face=""Arial",sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">When I realized this
behavior was caused by anxiety, it made it easier to provide <a href="https://www.blogger.com/blog/post/edit/3852422397272068136/2465067890083913455"><b><span style="color: blue;">Calming Techniques</span></b><span style="color: blue;"> </span></a>and
fight to make her world smaller and less overwhelming (by providing <a href="https://www.blogger.com/blog/post/edit/3852422397272068136/2465067890083913455"><b><span style="color: blue;">Structure and Caring Support</span></b></a>). <br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b>Empty Bucket</b></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">It makes me crazy that my kids can behave all day at school, and then come home and be whiny, requiring my constant attention. be demanding (especially to me), picking fights, picking on siblings, getting into arguments with everyone, refusing to do even the simplest chore or task... {For more information about why they act this way, check out the post - <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/if-you-find-out-im-not-perfect-youll.html" target="_blank"><b>If You Find Out I'm Not Perfect, You'll Leave</b></a>.}</span><br />
<b><br /></b><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">I believe that this is what happens with our children too. They work so hard behaving in front of other people, that when they get home, they have no emotional reserves (spoons) left. They trust us enough to let us see that they're not perfect </span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">{<b><i>And yes, I often wish my kids didn't trust me this much! That's why I do a LOT of <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" target="_blank">Self-Care</a>!}</i></b> </span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-spoon-theory.html" target="_blank">My Spoon Theory</a></span></b><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">The original <a href="http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/" target="_blank">Spoon Theory</a> is about a woman with Lupus explaining to a friend, that she gets a finite number of physical activities per day (represented by spoons) and that every task costs her one of her spoons. She often runs out of spoons before the end of the day. </span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I believe that a lot of children of trauma have a similar issue, and "run out of spoons" by the end of the day (or well before the end of the day because unlike an adult, a child is unable to estimate how many spoons they have and regulate what to use them on.</span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><br /></b></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b>But Things Were Going So Well!/ Regression</b></span></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">One step forward, two steps back. </span></span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">Our kids feel deep down that they are unworthy and unlovable. The child is terrified that </span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">if people found out what he/ she was "really like, " then they would leave him/ her. </span><b><i><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">{</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/if-you-find-out-im-not-perfect-youll.html" target="_blank">If You Find Out I'm Not Perfect, You'll Leave</a><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">.}</span></i></b></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif"><br /></span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif"><b><i>{When Kitty trusted me enough to admit this fear out loud, I think she was finally ready to start healing. I feel the best thing I did was reassure her that I already knew she wasn't "perfect" and I still loved her. That I wasn't going to leave because she didn't/ couldn't behave, and sometimes took joy in causing chaos.}</i></b></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif"><br /></span><span face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif">A kid who is doing well might suddenly seem to sabotage their success. Sometimes, I think when things are going too well, my kids get scared and pull back.</span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><br /></span><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">This could be due to:</span></span></span><br />
</span><ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;">
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">A <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/12/holiday-aka-traumaversaries-trauma-tips.html" target="_blank"><b>Traumaversary, Birthday, Trauma Trigger, Holiday, Change in Routine</b>...</a></span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">They "know" things are going to go wrong, so they self-sabotage things to take back control - by controlling </span><b><i>when</i></b><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"> it happens it makes them feel in control and </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">safe</a><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">. </span></span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">The need to protect themselves from what they consider your inevitable rejection by rejecting/ pushing you away. </span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">They feel they don't deserve good things to happen to them.</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">They expect the other shoe to drop. Historically if good things happen to the child, they are followed by bad things (usually involving great loss) - so our kids avoid the good things to make losing them hurt less. </span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">They're afraid that if they're doing well, then you'll raise the bar on your expectations and expect them to keep it up (which is a lot of pressure).</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">They "know" they're going to mess up, so they go ahead and get it over with.</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Good behavior often leads to higher expectations and more freedom and privileges. Privileges that the child may be afraid they can't handle (and actually may not be able to handle!).<br /></span>{<b><i>Bear NEEDED a high amount of structure and support to feel <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">safe</a> - he did very well in a structured, supportive environment and there was a lot of pressure put on us as parents to "reward" that success by putting him in less restrictive environments - where he inevitably failed. I personally believe that failure was often (sub-conscious?) self-sabotage to get put back in the more restrictive environment.}</i></b></span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b>Small Window of Tolerance/ Easily Overwhelmed</b></span></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Overreacting to things you or I might consider minor. </span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><br /></span>
</span><blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 700; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Window of tolerance </span><span style="color: #333333;">is a term used to describe the zone of arousal in which a person is able to function most effectively. When people are within this zone, they are typically able to readily receive, process, and integrate information and otherwise respond to the demands of everyday life without much difficulty. This optimal window was first named as such by</span><span style="color: #333333;"> </span><a href="https://www.goodtherapy.org/famous-psychologists/daniel-siegel.html" style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #007ab9; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><b>Dan Siegel</b></a><span style="color: #333333;">.</span></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: arial;">During times of extreme stress, people often experience periods of either hyper- or hypo-arousal.</span></blockquote>
<div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: none; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<ul style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 24px; list-style-position: inside; margin: 0px 0px 10px 40px; outline: none; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<li style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-weight: inherit;">Hyper-arousal, otherwise known as the </span><b>fight/flight</b><span style="font-weight: inherit;"> </span><b>response</b><span style="font-weight: inherit;">, is often characterized by hypervigilance, feelings of anxiety and/or panic, and racing thoughts.</span></span></li>
</ul>
<ul style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 24px; list-style-position: inside; margin: 0px 0px 10px 40px; outline: none; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<li style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-weight: inherit;">Hypo-arousal, or a </span><b>freeze response</b><span style="font-weight: inherit;">, may cause feelings of emotional numbness, </span><span style="border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-style: initial; box-sizing: border-box; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; outline-color: initial; outline-width: initial;">emptiness</span><span style="font-weight: inherit;">, or paralysis.</span></span></li>
</ul>
</blockquote>
</div>
<div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: none; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: arial;">People who have experienced a traumatic event may respond to stressors, even minor ones, with extreme hyper- or hypo-arousal. As a result of their experiences, they may come to believe the world is unsafe and may operate with a window of tolerance that has become more narrow or inflexible as a result. A narrowed window of tolerance may cause people to perceive danger more readily and react to real and imagined threats with either a fight/flight response or a freeze response.</span></span></blockquote>
<div style="font-size: 14px;">
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b>Dysregulation and Meltdowns</b></span></span><br />
</span><div style="font-size: 14px;">
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: small;">A child who is</span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" style="font-size: medium;" target="_blank"><b>Dysregulated</b></a><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">and/or in fight/ flight/ freeze mode is “thinking” with the reptilian part of the brain (survival!). In other words, they are not thinking at all.</span></span></div>
</div>
<div style="font-size: medium;">
<span style="font-family: arial;">Their behavior is a purely instinctual response to what the brain believes is a<b><span style="color: red;"> <span style="font-size: large;">life-or-death situation</span></span></b>.</span></div>
<div style="font-size: 14px;">
<span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><b>How We Handled Dysregulation: </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Helping my dysregulated child feel safe and calm was the best way to help them return to their window of tolerance. {See posts - <b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" target="_blank">Dysregulation and Meltdowns</a>; <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?</a>; <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/02/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" target="_blank">Calming/ Relaxation Techniques</a>}</b>. </span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I found that <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/11/structure-and-caring-support.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Structure and Caring Support</b> </span></a>was the most helpful long-term for helping them widen their window of tolerance. <span style="font-size: 14px;"> </span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/02/ptsd-in-older-child-adoption.html" target="_blank"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)</span></b> </a></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Be prepared for your child to blame you for their past (usually, the mom gets the brunt of this). My daughter recently admitted to seeing one of her past abuser's face everywhere - on walls, and particularly - over my husband's face. She hates "him," rages at him, tells him he is mean and evil, accuses him of yelling at her (even though Hubby isn't even raising his voice), and she dissociates.</span></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">When in a<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" target="_blank"> <b>meltdown</b></a>, Kitty mentally shuts down - we call it "freeze." She acts instinctively to protect herself. It's difficult not to hold her accountable when she rages during these times, but we've learned to wait until she's calm and then process what led up to the event so we can help her prevent re-occurrences. There are times when she doesn't remember the event at all.</span></span></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Kids in a PTSD flashback are overwhelmed and in fight/ flight or freeze. It’s difficult to learn math and spelling when you’re in the middle of a war zone! </span></span></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>How We Handled <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/02/ptsd-in-older-child-adoption.html" target="_blank">PTSD</a>:</b> </span></span></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Get a good therapist who understands and has experience working with adopted/foster kids with trauma. We love our EMDR therapist for our daughter but still use a good attachment therapist too. Don't be afraid to "fire" the therapist if it's not a good personality match.<b><i> {<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/02/ptsd-in-older-child-adoption.html" target="_blank">PTSD in Children</a>}</i></b></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods-emdr.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b>EMDR therapy</b></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> is the most recommended therapy for people with PTSD. It is most often used by soldiers and victims of trauma (like rape or being in a natural disaster), and usually only requires 2-3 sessions. Obviously, people who have suffered from long-term trauma (Complex PTSD), such as child abuse, would most likely require more sessions. </span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">There are no <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/01/more-on-medication.html" target="_blank"><b>Medications</b></a> specifically for treating PTSD, but with good therapy and meds that help with the child's </span></span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial;">symptoms, the child can recognize the effects of the trauma, learn to cope, and move on to dealing with the cause of the trauma.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: large;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/12/holiday-aka-traumaversaries-trauma-tips.html" target="_blank"><b>Holidays, Birthdays, School, and Other Traumaversaries</b></a></span></span></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">At our house, the acting out and meltdowns were always worse around <b>H</b></span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/12/holiday-aka-traumaversaries-trauma-tips.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b>olidays, Traumaversaries, Starting or Ending school, Birthdays</b></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">... When I wasn't so frustrated at them I could scream, I pulled them in. I reminded myself that they were terrified. This was life or death to them, and they couldn't really handle change or added stress (this has gotten better as they healed). Even my bio kids reacted this way, just not to this extreme. </span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">(Helpful post - <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" target="_blank"><b>Handling Meltdowns and Dysregulation</b></a>)</span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b><br /></b></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: large;"><b>Puberty</b></span></span></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #222222;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="background-color: white;">Puberty sucks. Those hormones rushing around adds a whole new layer of fun. The good news is that while ages 13 and 14 were horrible for my kids (both bio and adopted), things got better after that. </span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #222222;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="background-color: white;">More info in this post - <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/09/ages-14-to-15-years.html" target="_blank"><b>The Teen Years</b></a></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #222222;"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #222222;"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: large;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2019/01/overlapping-diagnoses-in-children.html" target="_blank">Co-Morbid Diagnoses</a></b></span></span></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Children with trauma issues usually have more going on than just one issue - attachment disorders, physical and sexual abuse, PTSD, RAD bipolar disorder, ADHD, FAS/FAE... caseworkers will not or cannot tell you all of what caused these issues, and often symptoms overlap and appear to be other things. For example, I don't think I've ever heard of a child with RAD that didn't also have PTSD. </span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">{<b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2019/01/overlapping-diagnoses-in-children.html" target="_blank">Overlapping Diagnoses in Children,</a></i></b> <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/12/overlapping-behavior-characteristics.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b>Chart for Overlapping Behavior Characteristics</b></a>.</span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">Some Things That Helped Us Handle Behavior Issues</span></b></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/09/advocating-for-yourself-your-family-and.html" style="color: #0b5394;"><b>PRIORITIZING YOURSELF, YOUR FAMILY, AND YOUR CHILD - IN THAT ORDER!</b></a></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/06/five-stars-my-top-10-things-i-couldnt.html" target="_blank"><b>MY TOP 10ISH THINGS I COULDN'T DO THIS WITHOUT</b></a></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">STRUCTURE AND CARING SUPPORT</b></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> Helping your child feel safe by providing the structure they need/ crave. </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Most of all, I gave my kids a LOT of structure and support. <b><i>{</i></b></span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/11/structure-and-caring-support.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b><i>Structure and Caring Support</i></b></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b><i>}</i></b> Our kids need so much more than other kids, especially when they are overwhelmed and </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Dysregulated</a>. <b><i>{<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" target="_blank">Handling Meltdowns and Dysregulation</a>}</i></b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">We went back to line-of-sight supervision, time-ins instead of timeouts, removed as many overwhelming events as possible (not just avoiding throngs of people in places like sporting events and the park, but also places like the grocery store and Sunday School). Yes, there were things I could do little about (school/ daycare), but I could talk to the teachers and minimize as much stress as possible.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">When stress was high, my kids’ life was like being in the </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods-fair.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b>FAIR Club</b></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> (our family discipline method), but </span><b style="background-color: white;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/dear-anonymous.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">without actually being in the FAIR Club</a><span style="color: #222222;"><i> {<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/why-i-use-fair-club.html" target="_blank">Using the FAIR Club with Children of Trauma</a>}</i></span></b><i><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></i><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">COCOONING</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I tried to find </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/09/trapped-in-house.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">calm, quiet, but still fun, things to do</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> <b><i>{</i></b></span><b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/09/trapped-in-house.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Trapped in The House: Activities for Kids</a><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/09/trapped-in-house.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">}</a></i></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> so they wouldn't feel punished (taking a walk, letter parties … ). This wasn't about being in trouble or loss, they'd had enough of that; this was about making their life smaller. So they would feel SAFE.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">SCHOOL</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I worked with the school to try to find ways to reduce my child's stress there. {</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/anxiety-scale.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b><i>Anxiety Scale</i></b></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">}</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">SIMPLIFY</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">At home, I did things like </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/03/decluttering.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">strip their room</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> {</span><b style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;"><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/03/decluttering.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Decluttering</a>}</i></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> because even with me helping them clean, it was overwhelming. So I did it when they weren't there, although I let them know ahead of time. I left nothing but a bed, a book/ quiet toy, and a stuffed animal, at one point I even had my daughter's dresser in my room, and she "checked out" her clothing by bringing me the dirty ones, THIS WAS NOT A PUNISHMENT. I tried to find ways to help them understand that. For example, cleaning their room would be a lot easier now! (</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2017/07/choosing-joy-explaining-age-appropriate.html" style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><b><i>Explaining Age-Appropriate Parenting to Your Child</i></b></span></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">), </span></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/02/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" style="color: #0b5394;">CALMING TECHNIQUES</a></b></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">E</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">ffective techniques for helping a child calm down or stay calm. </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I used</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/02/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"> </a><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/02/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b>Calming Techniques</b></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> a LOT.</span></span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>PLACE</b></span></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><blockquote><div><b><u>P</u>layfulness</b>: Don't take our kids or our life so seriously. When things are tense find a way to lighten the moment. (<b><i>NO SARCASM</i></b>)</div><div><b><u>L</u>ove</b>: Loving eyes, loving hands, loving voice. Never give up. Never quit.</div><div><b><u>A</u>ttunement</b>: talking through problems and allowing yourself to become in tune with what your child is saying....no matter how ridiculous, follow the conversation. Be accepting as you move through the problem. (if you are uncomfortable with this, ask yourself how much good has come from trying to get them to admit they have done something wrong)</div><div><b><u>C</u>urious</b> about this ridiculous story and about what might be, about what might be hard to say, about what has happened? (I'm wondering if I had broken the lamp if I might be afraid to say so)</div><div><b><u>E</u>mpathy:</b> I get how you feel. I feel what you feel. I see the sadness/fear in your eyes. I know it is hard to talk about big feelings.</div></blockquote><p>For more about PLACE, check out this post: <a href="https://hopecounselingcenter.net/articles/creating-place-parenting-to-create-a-sense-of-safety/" target="_blank">Creating PLACE: Parenting to Create a Sense of Safety by Daniel Hughes</a> </p><div></div><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" target="_blank">SELF-CARE!</a></b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">A lot of time I screwed up. I lost my cool.</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/giving-cpr-faith.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"> <b>I </b></a><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/giving-cpr-faith.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b>gave up</b></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">. Here's what I did to fill my empty bucket so I could handle my kids.</span></span></span><br />
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<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white;">I did a LOT of </span><b style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;">Self-Care - <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Caring for the Caregiver</a></b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"> </a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">because this is HARD WORK. </span></span></span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial;">I forgave myself for not wanting to even be around my kids sometimes, which was REALLY HARD because I was experiencing <a href="https://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2019/03/continuous-traumatic-stress-cts.html" target="_blank"><b>Continuous Traumatic Stress (CST)</b></a> which is like PTSD but without the "Post" part because I was still experiencing it every day.</span></span></span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Daily, I had to put on my big girl panties and work on </span><b style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Finding the Joy</a>.</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> I apologized to my child for not keeping them safe, and started over. <b><i>{<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?</a>}</i></b></span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: arial;">Then went back to doing <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-weight: bold;">ATTACHMENT THERAPY</a><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> and </b><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-management-outline.html" style="color: #0b5394;">THERAPEUTIC PARENTING</a> </b></span></li>
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<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">As the child heals and attaches to you, he/ she feels safer. </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Being a </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-management-outline.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b>Therapeutic Parent</b></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> SUCKS, but it does get better.</span></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/12/crisis-plan-and-alternative-placement.html" style="color: #0b5394;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">CRISIS PLANS</span></a></b></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Setting up a plan with the child's school, caregivers, treatment team... to determine </span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><i>ahead of time</i></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">, what to do if the child starts feeling unsafe and </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/01/my-child-is-raging.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;"><b>acting out</b></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> or<b> </b></span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/11/disagree.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;"><b>acting in</b></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">.</span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/anxiety-scale.html" style="color: #0b5394;">ANXIETY SCALE</a> </span></b></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">A </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">concrete method of determining how a child is feeling.</span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;" /></span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/10/consequences-versus-privileges.html" style="color: #0b5394;">CONSEQUENCE vs PRIVILEGES</a> </span></b></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Thinking outside the box (letting the kids help)</span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;" /></span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/09/kittys-coming-home.html" style="color: #0b5394;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">DEVELOPMENTAL AGE-APPROPRIATE LEVELS</span></a></b></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">A </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">concrete plan used to explain to the treatment team why the child is being given privileges and responsibilities more appropriate to a younger child (hint: because the child is dysregulated and doesn't feel safe!)</span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></b><b style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;"><u><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods-fair.html" style="color: #0b5394;">THE FAIR C</a>LUB</u></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> - At first, we used the FAIR Club for discipline, but then we discovered that it could be used as a starting point for the </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/why-i-use-fair-club.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;"><b>structured lifestyle our kids with trauma</b></a><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b> </b>issues needed<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">.</span></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>BUILDING <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/04/katharine-leslie-seminar-secure.html" target="_blank">SECURE ATTACHMENT</a></b></span></span></span></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Secure attachment requires the development of<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/katharine-leslie-seminar-object.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"> <b>object permanence</b></a> and constancy.<br /><br />There are three basic steps to this process:</span></span></span><br />
</span><ol style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="color: red;"><b>Building Safety</b></span>. <b><i>You cannot attach or love if you do not feel safe</i></b>. Safety for kids of trauma comes from routines and security (which can be things like physical holds and alarms on the door, but also regular meal and bedtime routines). Parents MUST provide for basic needs (food, shelter, warmth) routinely and predictably, BUT feeling safe takes time. It took many years for them to feel unsafe and not trust, You can't expect them to trust just because <i>you</i> know they're safe now. It takes time to unlearn those defense mechanisms that once were necessary for survival. {<b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?</a>}</i></b></span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="color: red;"><b>Falling in Love</b></span>. Dopamine is a brain chemical that makes everything seem more fun and interesting. We cannot fall in love without positive fun and interaction.<br /><br />Think about this. You would not walk up to someone and say, "<em>Hey, what's your name? Hi Larry, you're going to be my new husband. You will live in my house, take my last name, and do all the chores on this honey-do list. You are not allowed to talk about your other life. Your wife was mean and she does not love you like I do. You love me and I love you.... say it! Say you love me!</em>" ---------------<br /><br />---------- Of course, you wouldn't do this! You get to know each other. You date. You have fun, conversations, and play together.</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="color: red;"><b>Claiming and Belonging</b></span>. This <em><strong>cannot</strong></em> come first! You need the other steps to come first. You also must honor the child's choice to be a member of the family or not and shift roles accordingly. </span></li>
</ol>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Until a child is a member of the family they should receive <span style="color: red;"><b>"The Basic Package" </b></span>accommodations.</span></span></span><br />
</span><ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;">
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Provide a "structure and rehabilitation" environment (vs. "love and affection" environment). <b><i>{<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/11/structure-and-caring-support.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Structure and Caring Support</a>}</i></b></span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Meet the child's basic needs for food, shelter, and warmth.</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Provide affection in response to the child's demonstration of affection, but only if it's appropriate.</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Draw attention to the "giving and taking" that is part of every interaction. <b><i>{<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/04/katharine-leslie-seminar-reciprocity.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Reciprocity</a>}</i></b></span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Give and allow consequences that will evoke caring behaviors. <i>{<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-management-outline.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b>Therapeutic Parenting</b> </a>and <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods-fair.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b>The FAIR Club</b></a>}</i></span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Katharine suggests no chores or family expectations until your child is part of your family. Even the names "Mom" and "Dad" are nicknames that grow out of love and can wait until later to be used.<br /><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>"The Luxury Package"</b> </span>Accommodation<br />Basic package plus "family perks"</span></span></span><br />
</span><ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;">
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">All things that children don't need, but come out of the goodness of a parent's heart (ex. extra-curricular activities, chauffeur services, vacations, parties, dinners out).</span></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">To qualify for this package a child has to mutually satisfy parental needs in some ways, most of the time.</li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="color: red;"><b>Earning the Luxury Package</b></span><br />A child can "upgrade" by performing certain family-friendly behaviors.<br />How do you know whether or not your child has given enough to deserve an upgrade and is ready to be part of the family?</span></span></span><br />
</span><blockquote style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">
<b><i><span style="font-family: arial;">Close your eyes and picture a child. How do you feel when you look at this child? Do you feel happy and loving? Do you feel warmth?</span></i></b></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Any time you wonder if your child is ready, close your eyes and picture your child. Does the thought of your child make you feel warm and happy? A joy to your heart as opposed to sadness, emptiness, rejection, or fear?<i> {<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/04/katharine-leslie-seminar-positive.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b>Positive Behaviors</b></a>}</i><br /><br />Until the child makes you feel this way he or she is not ready to be part of the family. It cannot be earned or forced. It is a feeling.</span></span></span><br />
</span><blockquote style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: arial;">A <span style="color: red;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/04/katharine-leslie-seminar-relationships.html" target="_blank"><b>relationship</b></a></span><span style="color: #cc6600;"> </span>is defined as a MUTUAL satisfaction of needs.</span></blockquote>
<ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;">
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">There is no mutual well-being if a parent is providing luxury accommodations and the child is not earning the perks.</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">The child will be momentarily happy (as long as the perks keep coming), but the parent will not.</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">The ramifications to your child's development and the parent-child relationship go much deeper than happiness.</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">So here's what happens:</span></span></span><br />
</span><ol style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">The parent receives little or no positive response from the child and often the child is neglectful of and abusive to the parent. Without either one's needs being met, and unable to "exit" the relationship, there can be little to no feelings of attachment (leaving resentment and apathy).</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">The parent's natural frustrations, disappointments, feelings of being used up, resentments, and demands from the child... are viewed as weaknesses, even emotional disabilities (unresolved issues) that require therapeutic interventions. Therapists blame the parents for their bad feelings about the child or might switch to the more willing "client" ignoring the elephant in the room.... which causes a lack of faith in therapy for the parent.</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Everyone presumes that if the child's needs are met he or she will naturally begin to <a href="http://reciprocate./" style="color: #0b5394;"><b>reciprocate</b>.</a> Loving the child and satisfying his or her needs is not enough. The child MUST be <u>taught</u> how to be in a relationship. </span></li>
</ol>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial;"><b>ROLE MODELING DOES NOT WORK WITH OUR CHILDREN</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b>WHAT I'VE LEARNED:</b></span></span><br />
</span><ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;">
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">No matter how much healing my child does, if I've allowed myself to become completely drained, then I have no emotional reserves left. You can't fill from an empty cup.<i> {<b style="color: #0b5394;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Self-Care! Caring for the Caregiver!</a>}</b></i></span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">It took me a long time, but I finally realized I needed to change my priorities or I and my whole family would suffer. {<b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/09/advocating-for-yourself-your-family-and.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Prioritizing Yourself, Your Marriage, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order!</a>}<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/09/advocating-for-yourself-your-family-and.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"> </a></i></b></span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Understanding WHY my child is acting this way helps me be more empathetic and provide my child with the most effective support<b> <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2017/10/why-wont-my-child-just-behave.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">{</a><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/04/katharine-leslie-seminar-secure.html" target="_blank"><i>Secure Attachment</i></a><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2017/10/why-wont-my-child-just-behave.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">}</a></b></span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I'm working hard to remember that I didn't cause this and it most likely isn't "fixable," especially this late in his life. {<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/giving-cpr-faith.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b><i>You Haven't Failed</i></b></a> }</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Pouring everything I have into him doesn't work so I shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting to do it anymore. {<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/10/what-i-got-from-act-conference.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b><i>Relationships</i></b> </a>and <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/04/katharine-leslie-seminar-relationships.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b><i>Relationships (cont.)</i></b></a>}</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I have a right to grieve the child/relationship I thought I was getting. <i>{</i><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><i>Finding the Joy</i></a>}</b></span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">He doesn't "deserve" all the privileges of being part of this family... they're hurting him not helping him. I need to provide the structure he actually needs and the caring support that I hope will lead to attachment. {<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/11/structure-and-caring-support.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b><i>Structure and Caring Support</i></b></a>}</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I need to set up fun times with positive interactions so we have the opportunity to fall in love instead of focusing on punishment and chores.</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">This post has more information about how the {<b style="color: #0b5394;"><i style="color: #0b5394;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/boarder-agreement.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Basic Plan vs Luxury (Family) Plan</a>}</i> </b>looked as the kids moved into their late teens, and we decided to revisit it to remind them of the difference between living like a boarder vs the privileges that came with being part of the family. </span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></b><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">ADDITIONAL RESOURCES</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/if-you-find-out-im-not-perfect-youll.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">If You Find Out I'm Not Perfect You'll Leave</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?</a></b></span></span><br />
<span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><a href="http://parentinginspace.com/speakers/christine-moers/" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b>CHRISTINE MOERS</b></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">, therapeutic parent and coach. See her </span><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WU_HJY8md-0" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">YouTube videos</a><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WU_HJY8md-0" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"> </a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">and check out her </span><a href="http://www.welcometomybrain.net/" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">blog</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">, </span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="https://www.createspace.com/331053" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">C</a><a href="https://www.createspace.com/331053" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">HAOS TO HEALING - Therapeutic Parenting 101</a></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><u> </u>video which explains Daniel Hughes P.A.C.E concept in an easy-to-understand and practical way</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;">.</span></span><br />
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</span><blockquote style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: center;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><b>THE FROZEN LAKE STORY </b></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">by </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic_1498.html" style="color: #0b5394;">Nancy Thomas</a></span></blockquote>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: arial;"> <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">"In order to understand what an unattached child feels like, one must understand his perspective. Imagine that you are the young child who must cross a frozen lake in the autumn to reach your home. As you are walking across the lake alone, you fall suddenly and unexpectedly through the ice. Shocked and cold in the dark, you can't even cry for help. You struggle for your very life, you struggle to the surface. Locating the jagged opening, you drag yourself through the air and crawl back into the woods from where you started. You decide to live there and never, never to return onto the ice. As weeks go by you see others on the ice skating and crossing the ice. If you go onto it, you will die."</span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;">"Your family across the pond hears the sad news that the temperature will drop to sub-zero this night. So a brave and caring family member (that is you, the parent!) searches and finds you to bring you home to love and warmth. The family member attempts to help you cross the ice by supporting and encouraging, pulling and prodding. You, believing you will die, fight for your life by kicking, screaming, punching and yelling (even obscenities) to get the other person away from you. Every effort is spent in attempting to disengage from this family member. The family member fights for your life, knowing you must have the love and warmth of home for your very survival. They take the blows you dish out and continue to pull you across the ice to home, knowing it's your only chance."</span></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: arial;">"The ice represents the strength of the bond and your ability to trust. It was damaged by the break in your connection to someone you trusted. Some children have numerous bonding breaks throughout their young lives. This is like crashing them into the ice water each time they are moved, scarring and chilling their hearts against ever loving and bonding again." </span></blockquote>
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</div>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-81697625066883245702017-10-03T13:37:00.001-05:002020-03-05T11:17:28.104-06:00Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD)<center>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Behavioral: Acting Younger than Chronological Age</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="font-size: x-large;">Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD)</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><b>Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD)</b> is an umbrella term describing the range of effects that can occur in an individual who is prenatally exposed to alcohol. These effects may include physical, mental, behavioral, and/or learning disabilities with possible lifelong implications. The term FASD is not intended for use as a clinical diagnosis.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><b>Diagnoses under the FASD umbrella include:</b></span></span><br />
<ul>
<li><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)</span></b></li>
<li><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Partial Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (pFAS)</span></b></li>
<li><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alcohol-Related Neurodevelopmental Disorder (ARND)</span></b></li>
<li><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alcohol-Related Birth Defects (ARBD)</span></b></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Neurobehavioral Disorder Associated with Prenatal Alcohol Exposure (ND-PAE)</span></b>Source: National Organization on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome FASD Terminology Summit, 2004 </span></li>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Medical issues you might see in a person with FASD:</span></b></span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Eye/vision and ear/hearing involvement</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Palatal concerns</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Growth concerns</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Immune system concerns</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Spinal concerns</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Cardiac/renal abnormalities</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sleep problems</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Common <u>misconceptions</u> that many people believe about FASD.</b></span></span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The child will show physical features linked to FASD (<b><i>specific damage depends on what part of the brain is developing when the pregnant mother is drinking</i></b>)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">FASD means the child is mentally retarded.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Behavioral problems associated with FASD are all due to poor parenting and a bad living environment.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Children will just “grow out of it”</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mothers had an easy choice not to drink during pregnancy and were just careless. Source: <a href="http://www.psychiatry.emory.edu/PROGRAMS/GADrug/faqB.htm" target="_blank">Emory University, Georgia Department of Behavioral Health and Developmental Disabilities</a> (2011)</span></li>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><b><i>"Alcohol crosses the placenta. the fetus does not have the ability to metabolize it. It '</i>pickles<i>' the brain and it causes </i>brain damage<i>. Even with all the drugs that our birth mother did, it was the alcohol that left the legacy that Ellie has."<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jO-AKRR7Yuc" target="_blank"><br /></a></i></b></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jO-AKRR7Yuc" target="_blank"><b><i>Saving Ellie: Adoptive Parents Give Up Ill Daughter with FASD</i></b></a></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><b style="text-decoration-line: underline;">Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Defined and named in 1973, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) is a disorder resulting from prenatal exposure to alcohol. Confirmed maternal use of alcohol might or might not be documented.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The diagnosis of FAS follows a specific outline. Individuals with FAS are generally found to have:</span></span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Growth problems (e.g. unusually low birth weight and size, before and after birth)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Facial dysmorphia (e.g. small head, small eyes, underdevelopment of the upper lip, indistinct groove between lip and nose, flattened cheekbones)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">CNS abnormality (e.g. delayed brain development, intellectual impairment)</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is important to note that these criteria are for FAS and not Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD). FASD is an umbrella term that refers to the range of effects, including FAS, that can result from prenatal alcohol exposure. FASD is not a diagnostic term.</span></span><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sources: CDC’s Fetal Alcohol Syndrome: Guidelines for Referral and Diagnosis (2004)</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders: From Research to Policy” Alcohol Research and Health (2010)</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><b>Individuals exposed to alcohol prenatally who do not have identifiable deficits in all three domains required for an FAS diagnosis might be diagnosed with one of the other conditions under the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders continuum, such as Partial Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Alcohol Related Neurodevelopmental Disorder or Neurobehavioral Disorder Associated with Prenatal Alcohol Exposure. </b></span><i>Source: FASD Competency-Based Curriculum Development Guide (2008)</i></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><b><a href="https://www.nofas.org/faqs/what-is-alcohol-related-neurodevelopmental-disorder-arnd/" target="_blank">Alcohol-Related Neurodevelopmental Disorder (ARND)</a></b></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ARND is a condition under the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD) umbrella. ARND refers to a complex range of disabilities in neurodevelopment and behavior, adaptive skills, and self-regulation in the presence of confirmed prenatal alcohol exposure. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Specifically,<span style="color: red;"><b> individuals with ARND do not have the FAS facial abnormalities</b></span> but may have developmental disabilities including structural and/or functional central nervous system dysfunction (brain damage) with behavioral and learning problems. </span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Source: <a href="https://www.nofas.org/faqs/what-is-alcohol-related-neurodevelopmental-disorder-arnd/" target="_blank">Recognizing ARND in Primary Health Care of Children Consensus Statement, Interagency Coordinating Committee on FASD, 2011</a></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><u>Paternal Contributions to Alcohol-Related Birth Defects (ARBD)</u></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><b>Can developmental abnormalities be predetermined at fertilization?</b></span> Research proves so. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The authors of <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/19768354.2013.865675" target="_blank">this study</a> believe <b><u>alcohol consumption by the father affects genes in sperm which are responsible for normal fetal development</u></b>.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Until now fathers' lifestyle choices have not seen any repercussion on their unborn children. This ground-breaking research provides the first definitive evidence that fathers' drinking habits pre-conception can cause significant fetal abnormalities.<br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: 14px;">Taylor & Francis. "Fathers drinking: Also responsible for fetal disorders?." ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 14 February 2014. <<a href="http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/02/140214075405.htm">www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/02/140214075405.htm</a>>.</span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A study at Georgetown University Medical Centre claims a father’s alcohol intake, age, diet, and psychological state could all make a difference. Joanna Kitlinska [an Assistant Professor at the Department of Biochemistry and Molecular & Cellular Biology at Georgetown] claimed that <b><span style="color: red;">up to 75% of children with FASD have biological fathers who are alcoholics</span>.</b></span><br />
<a href="https://geneticliteracyproject.org/2017/09/13/alcohol-consumption-fathers-lead-fetal-alcohol-syndrome/"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">https://geneticliteracyproject.org/2017/09/13/alcohol-consumption-fathers-lead-fetal-alcohol-syndrome/</span></a><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><a href="https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/fetal-alcohol-syndrome/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20352907" target="_blank">Mayo Clinic's Recommended Treatment for Behavioral Problems)</a></b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As a parent of a child with fetal alcohol syndrome, you may find the following suggestions helpful in dealing with behavioral problems associated with the syndrome. Learning these skills (sometimes called parent training) can include:</span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Recognizing your child's strengths and limitations</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Implementing daily routines</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Creating and enforcing simple rules and limits</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Keeping things simple by using concrete, specific language</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Using repetition to reinforce learning</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Pointing out and using rewards to reinforce acceptable behavior</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Teaching skills for daily living and social interactions</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Guarding against your child being taken advantage of by others because many children with fetal alcohol syndrome are at risk of this</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Early intervention and a stable, nurturing home are important factors in protecting children with fetal alcohol syndrome from some of the secondary disabilities they're at risk of later in life.</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Discipline Problems vs Behavior Problems</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Discipline problems (noncompliance, misbehavior) occur when the caregivers have not structured the child's environment for success, or when parents are inconsistent (expectations or consequences), non-responsive, or inaccessible. When adults adjust their behaviors and attitudes, often children with discipline problems can be brought under control in as few as 3 to 7 days. This is the premise behind the show World's Strictest Parents.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Behavior problems, on the other hand, lie within the child. These are persistent behaviors that do not disappear even with the best parenting (although good parenting can help to control the behaviors). These can include impulsivity, inattentiveness, and other behaviors like ADHD, FAD and immature behaviors associated with missing capacities in object relations.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="color: red; font-size: x-large;">YOU CANNOT EXPECT PUNISHMENT OR DISCIPLINE TO "FIX" BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS!</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Having behavior problems is like being born with poor eyesight. No amount of punishing or controlling is going to fix this problem. Glasses might help. However, the parent will be responsible for taking the child for regular eye check-ups, teaching him how to care for his glasses, and restricting activities where glasses might break. The goal is that by the time the child is 18, he will be ready and able to take full responsibility for the care of his own eyes and glasses.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><b>How Do You Tell the Difference?</b></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So how do you know if your child has a discipline problem or a behavior problem? The best way is to change the home environment. If the behavior stops or improves it is most likely a discipline problem. If it remains unchanged but more in control, and the parent is acting consistently, it is likely a behavior problem.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">from <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-2.html" target="_blank"><b>Therapeutic Parenting: Chapter 2 Discipline vs Behavior Problems</b></a></span></span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">HOW WE HANDLED IT:</span></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'm not actually sure if my children have an FASD. I do know that they both have permanent brain damage and the resulting behaviors and issues are similar if not the same. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We did 3 things:</span></span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Changed Our Expectations. </b><br /><br style="font-weight: normal;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Really changed them. Redefined success for my children. <span style="color: black; font-size: small;"><span style="color: #222222;"><b style="color: black;"><span style="color: #222222; font-weight: normal;"> We lowered our expectations to what they could actually handle, not what their neurotypical peers could do or what their teachers and other professionals thought they "should" be able to do.. See this </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/09/kittys-coming-home.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Level Chart post</a><span style="font-weight: normal;"> </span></b><span style="color: black; font-size: small;">for some examples. </span></span></span><br /><br />Changing my expectations also helped ME immensely (<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b>Finding the Joy</b></a>). I'm less frustrated by their inability to do things that would be "normal" for a teen. I do have to constantly remind myself "She's only 6! She's only 6! She's only 6!"<br /></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Parented with LOTS of Structure and Caring Support.<br /><span style="font-weight: normal;"><br />It took me a long time to believe it, but my children actually </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-weight: normal;"><b>craved</b></i><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-weight: normal;"> caring structure. </span></b><span style="background-color: white;"><br /><span style="color: #222222;">When I began providing Caring Structure, I thought for sure they would rebel and make our lives miserable. They didn't always like it, but it seemed like their few complaints were based on what their peers thought about it, rather than something they were truly feeling. Unlike my neurotypical, biochildren who understandably would have protested the strict structure their adopted siblings required, most of the time, my adopted children just accepted it and moved on.</span></span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">Without this structure or when we "lightened up," my son would act out until he had to be returned to the stricter structure level. Somewhere deep down, subconsciously, his brain knew he </span></span><b style="background-color: white; color: red; font-size: large;"><i>needed</i></b><span style="background-color: white; color: red; font-size: medium;"> that structure to feel </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-size: large; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank"><b>Safe</b></a><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">.</span></span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><br /></span><span style="color: #222222;">My kids were easily overwhelmed and had a small window of tolerance. They were easily frustrated and were often dysregulated. We had to simplify their lives a LOT to</span></span><b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-weight: normal;"> lessen the feeling of “overwhelm.” </span></b><b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b style="color: black; font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #222222; font-weight: normal;"><br />We did this by making their world smaller. </span></b><span style="font-weight: normal;">This was often like childproofing – avoiding and removing things and events that can be triggers.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: normal;">See this post for how we did this - </span><b style="color: black;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/11/structure-and-caring-support.html" target="_blank">Structure and Caring Support</a></b><span style="font-weight: normal;">And this post for dealing with </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" target="_blank">Dysregulation and Meltdowns</a>.<br /></span></b></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b> Switched to </b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-management-outline.html" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">Therapeutic Parenting</a><b><br /></b><b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Found my children's developmental/ emotional age and began therapeutically parenting them based on that age - </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" target="_blank">Therapeutic Parenting Based on Emotional Developmental Age</a>.</span></b></span></li>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Guest blog: Our Story</span></b></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We adopted T. at age two from a Russian orphanage. Minimal information was given on her life before age two. There was a cute video of her interacting with a caregiver, and that was it, we loved her! We knew that she had some kind of sad past, probable neglect, and we were willing to do "attachment therapy", or whatever it would take to overcome her delays. We, meaning my husband and I, already had a bio daughter who was eight at the time and lovely, so we thought of ourselves as great and experienced parents. </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">T. was evaluated in Russia as having normal intelligence and "usual orphanage delays" so we were confident we could help her overcome her past. </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">From the beginning there were difficulties but we were ready! So we thought. T. could barely walk, very unsteady on her feet yet she would NOT hold our hand, she would rather fall it seemed. We had to force our hand holding for safely. Trying to bond was difficult, I would rock her with a bottle, trying to make eye contact, as was recommended by the social worker. </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In retrospect, I think we overwhelmed her with attention, sensory overload, etc.....It was a hate/love relationship from the beginning, she would push me away, but then if I left, she would cry for me. All very confusing, and we were in constant contact with the social worker. The social worker said it would take approximately two years for us to become a "family", to make up for the two years she had no one.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, we waited patiently until she was four. T. seemed quite smart, could dress herself, learned to read even. But stubborn!!!!! Loving arguments, wanting her own way ALL THE TIME. We fought her, becoming more strict, determined not to let her be the boss of us, which seemed her constant goal.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">School was a nightmare, she hated it, hated the other kids, hated being told what to do...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Many doctor appointments were going on through these early years since T. had Tuberculosis and other infectious things happening. At every appointment I would mention her behaviour but it was never too bad at the doctor appointments, she did her charm routines and fooled everyone. She was learning ok at school and labelled as "a bit hyper". </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The summer after grade two was a game changer. I was determined to do a little school work each day with T., and this is when I realized she could not remember much of what she'd done in grade two. Red flags were popping up more and more, regarding her learning and behaviour. On the internet, we found an adoption clinic near us and made an appointment. </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was there that Tanya was diagnosed with Alcohol Related Neurological Disorder at age 8, based on her smaller head circumference, and behaviour issues. The 4-digit diagnostic code was used for FASD diagnosis, photos and measurements were done. Attachment disorder was also diagnosed.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That same summer I had stumbled upon the book <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Damaged-Angels-Adoptive-Understand-Pregnancy/dp/0786715502" target="_blank">"Damaged Angels"</a> by Bonnie Buxton, which is the true story of Bonnie finding out about her daughter's FASD. So we were somewhat ready for the diagnosis. It gave an explanation for what was going on.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We were able to get T. into a multiple exceptionality class at school, after her diagnosis and some psycho-educational testing. Fast forward to the present. With all the help and encouragement T. has received over the years, she has still not been successful in getting her highschool diploma, or a job.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We did keep a binder of all medical and school reports through the years so she has been able to qualify for the Ontario Disability Support Program. <b><i>[<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/02/organize-how-do-you-keep-school-stuff.html" target="_blank">How Do You Keep Your School Stuff Organized?</a>]</i></b></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What will the future hold, so unknown? </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">T. wants all the things she sees her older sister having, a boyfriend, friends, a job, etc. But she's very unrealistic about her goals, doesn't take the first step to make a goal happen, wants to be "in charge" of people for a job but refuses to wipe tables, or take any kind of beginner job. She refuses to take advice from people who are smarter than she is, very frustrating.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We manage her day to day, letting a lot of our rules go by the wayside for the sake of peace and harmony in our home. For example, she eats whatever, whenever, and not usually with us. We "bond" by watching a tv show together, her request. She wants to "bond" on her terms but I have to get my way too. Our bonding tv time is between 9-10 am so she will be UP out of bed. Some kind of routine is necessary so she will be awake during the day, sleeping at night. At least.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We do try to say YES as much as possible, but will get her to do a chore BEFORE the yes, because promised chore will never happen if she gets the YES first. Such is the way of her attachment difficulties, she does not help me out of LOVE but only to get a YES about something she wants. </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I refuse to argue with her and I have changed my mindset to not stress about things. </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Somehow, through the years, acceptance has settled in and a realization that no matter WHAT we do, the FASD and attachment issues will NEVER go away. LIfe goes on.</span></blockquote>
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marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-21231171290829977612017-09-28T11:13:00.003-05:002018-04-23T14:42:01.042-05:00Clutter, Hoarding, and Cleaning Their Room<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Excerpts from <span style="font-size: large;"><b><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hope-relationships/201409/the-psychology-behind-hoarding" target="_blank">The Psychology Behind Hoarding</a> </b></span><b>When does cluttered turn to hoarding?</b>Posted Sep 05, 2014 Gregory L. Jantz, PhD </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hoarding is considered an offshoot of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), but recently this categorization is being reevaluated. It’s estimated that about one in four people with OCD also are compulsive hoarders. </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Without exception, hoarding is always accompanied by varying levels of anxiety and sometime develops alongside other mental illnesses such as dementia and schizophrenia.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Recent neuroimaging reveals peculiar commonalities among hoarders including severe emotional attachment to inanimate objects and extreme anxiety when making decisions.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hoarding both relieves anxiety and produces it. The more hoarders accumulate, the more insulated they feel from the world and its dangers. Of course, the more they accumulate, the more isolated they become from the world, including family and friends. Even the thought of discarding or cleaning out hoarded items produces extreme feelings of panic and discomfort.</span></blockquote>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Symptoms of hoarding (Mayo Clinic):</span></b></span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Cluttered living spaces</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Inability to discard items</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Keeping stacks of newspapers, magazines, or junk mail</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Moving items from one pile to another without discarding anything</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Acquiring unneeded or seemingly useless items, including trash</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Difficulty managing daily activities, procrastinating and trouble making decisions</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Difficulty organizing items</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Perfectionism</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Excessive attachment to possessions and discomfort letting others touch or borrow possessions</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Limited or no social interactions</span></li>
</ul>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Commonalities among hoarders (Mayo Clinic). </span></b></span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Age:</b> While severe hoarding is most common in middle-aged adults around the age of 50, their <u>hoarding tendencies began around ages 11 to 15.</u> During these early teenage years, they typically saved broken toys, outdated school papers, and pencil nubs.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Personality: </b>Oftentimes hoarders struggle with severe indecisiveness and anxiety.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Genetics:</b> Although hoarding is not an entirely genetic disorder, there is some genetic predisposition involved in the disorder.</span></li>
<li><u><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Trauma:</b> Many hoarders experienced a stressful or traumatic event that propels them to hoard has a coping mechanism.</span></u></li>
<li><u><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Social Isolation</b>: Hoarders are often socially withdrawn and isolated, causing them to hoard as a way to find comfort.</span></u></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Why Children with Attachment Issues Are More Likely to Have Issues with Clutter, Hoarding, Chores, and Cleaning Their Room</span></b></span><br />
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Chaos feels normal</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A child who grew up in chaos might act in ways to trigger that chaos, because that is the "norm" for their neurological system. Even a child who came straight from the hospital to your home, still might have been "pickled" in stress hormones in the womb. To them, chaos feels "normal," and they will act in ways to make their life feel normal and <b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">Safe</a></b> (<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 16px;">this is a "perceived safety" and has nothing to do with their current situation - where of course they are safe. </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-size: 16px; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?</a>)</span><br />
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<i>How we handled it:</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Children NEED <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/11/structure-and-caring-support.html" target="_blank">Structure and Caring Support </a>to feel safe and start to heal. This feeling of safety is not about physical safety and rarely based in reality – it is a perceived feeling of safety. It feels life or death to them! To help them feel safe, we </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">increased the level of structure we provided.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">By helping them get and stay regulated, we saw fewer meltdowns and other dysregulated behaviors (like hoarding and being unable to keep their room clean). The more structure and regulation we provided, the more it felt normal to them. Chaos finally started losing its appeal. </span></span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">Executive Functioning</span> - ex. <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/04/katharine-leslie-seminar-adhd.html" target="_blank">Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD/ADHD</a>),<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/02/ptsd-in-older-child-adoption.html" target="_blank"> PTSD</a>, and damage to the frontal lobe</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's common for kids with attachment disorders to have issues with executive functioning. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u>E</u></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u>xecutive functions</u> are a set of processes that all have to do with managing oneself and one's resources in order to achieve a goal.</span></span><br />
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<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Working Memory</b> - Being able to hold something in mind and then use it (like a list of tasks/ chores or how you told them to do something).</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Cognitive Flexibility</b> - the ability to think about things in more than one way to solve a problem.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Inhibitory Control </b>(self-control) - being able to regulate emotions, ignore distractions, and keep from acting impulsively.</span></li>
</ol>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sound familiar? All of course are required to be able to do chores and clean their room! See the post <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/09/kittys-coming-home.html" target="_blank">Chores, Responsibilities, and Other Things my Children Can't Handle</a>.</span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How we handled it:</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> This depended on what was causing the issues. For the ADD/ADHD - we mostly chose the medication route, but<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/04/katharine-leslie-seminar-adhd.html" target="_blank"> this post</a> has some additional ideas. For the PTSD and other trauma issues, it took time and therapy. <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/02/ptsd-in-older-child-adoption.html" target="_blank">This post </a>has some additional ideas. Unfortunately, for the brain injuries, like damage to the frontal lobe, we were able to help the children learn some "work around" techniques. <a href="http://chores%2C%20responsibilities%2C%20and%20other%20things%20my%20children%20can%27t%20handle/" target="_blank">This post</a> has some additional ideas.</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Too Many Steps </span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">An overwhelmed child will often freeze or even regress to more child-like behaviors. Kitty was not able to do things independently, like clean her room. Especially in the early days of her time with us. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>How we handled it.</i> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">First, I cut back on the chore expectations. I changed what I thought she "should" be able to handle, to more (emotional) age-appropriate tasks. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I would break down tasks into small steps and give them to her one at a time. Instead of saying, "Clean your room," which was overwhelming and just didn't happen. I would say, "Empty your trashcan." and when that was done, then I would say, "Put your dirty clothes in your laundry basket." When that was done, I would say, "Put your laundry basket next to the washing machine." Most of the time, I would have to do these things with her (not for her, but be present in the room, often helping clean near her). <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/09/kittys-coming-home.html" target="_blank">Chores, Responsibilities, and Other Things My Kids Can't Handle</a>.</span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNLQ7rkQULiHrYFIb55z4Ykg3oQEQkni6o3-h61HD8t2XwlQ9vvUkdsb0CHQ0B-JHvQYk_HT3xBh12uvQEGbOrkpY7lnaUXXauMGCvj6wLTyES5SSxcm2h35FdFFJpBvtFytjMswIf0LHh/s1600/2015+H+room+bed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="900" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNLQ7rkQULiHrYFIb55z4Ykg3oQEQkni6o3-h61HD8t2XwlQ9vvUkdsb0CHQ0B-JHvQYk_HT3xBh12uvQEGbOrkpY7lnaUXXauMGCvj6wLTyES5SSxcm2h35FdFFJpBvtFytjMswIf0LHh/s320/2015+H+room+bed.jpg" width="180" /></span></a></div>
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</span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi70t0uS9Lcu0ARjO-V6DZVZ6h-Osx508AI1dVKKDb4LTDjtGIi7W9rxD1Go_QTogP_4WXHViVx6ZBW2z9qsAFUGnoe1F8oHqLWnC2kCFry1oeRsJqJqBLfmXVyyRcla6azjhh8gKMnQqsy/s1600/H+room.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi70t0uS9Lcu0ARjO-V6DZVZ6h-Osx508AI1dVKKDb4LTDjtGIi7W9rxD1Go_QTogP_4WXHViVx6ZBW2z9qsAFUGnoe1F8oHqLWnC2kCFry1oeRsJqJqBLfmXVyyRcla6azjhh8gKMnQqsy/s320/H+room.jpg" width="320" /></span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Eventually, she got to where she could do a few tasks at a time, but the chaos in her head will always be reflected in the chaos of her room. I still help her keep it regulated. </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/therapeutically-parenting-adult-child.html" target="_blank">Therapeutically Parenting the Adult Child</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Why Do They Do That?</span></b></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br />Sexual Abuse</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A sexually abused child may try to make him/herself "unattractive" by being "dirty" or smelly. This can include his or her room.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>How we handled it:</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-6-abuse.html" target="_blank">Chapter 6: Abuse</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A related post about why my child's room (and person) reeked and how we handled it - <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/05/the-rad-stink.html" target="_blank">The RAD Stink.</a></span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Addictive Personality</span></b></span><br />
<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/01/the-addictive-brain.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Addictive Brain</span></a><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Finally an article that puts in to better words why my son has an "addictive brain." We've seen evidence of it for years, and knew it wasn't the drugs themselves, because the addiction shifted often and he could stop seemingly cold turkey (drugs, alcohol, tobacco, but also sugar/ junk food, sex, stealing, adrenaline, chaos...).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Professor Peter Cohen argues that human beings have a deep need to bond and form connections. It's how we get our satisfaction. If we can't connect with each other, we will connect with anything we can find -- the whirr of a roulette wheel or the prick of a syringe. He says we should stop talking about 'addiction' altogether, and instead call it 'bonding.' A heroin addict has bonded with heroin because she couldn't bond as fully with anything else."</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So my son remains "addicted." In part because his attachment issues - the (in)ability to make human connections - haven't really healed, but also because his Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder means he is stuck living in a "war zone" 24/7. He carries his old "cage" with him wherever he goes.</span></span><br />
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<i>How we handled it: </i></span><br />
<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/01/the-addictive-brain.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Addictive Brain</span></a><br />
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Food Hoarding</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This post has more information about why kids hoard food, which has some commonalities/ similarities to why they hoard trash and clutter.</span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How we handled it: </span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/books-and-methods-diet-food.html" target="_blank">Food/ Hoarding/ Diet</a></span><br />
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hypervigilance/ Living in a Warzone</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Kids of trauma are often easily triggered, extremely sensitive to emotions, unable to regulate their emotions... causing them to react as if they are in a warzone. You can't learn and attach if you don't feel safe and you're living in a war zone! Hypervigilance (obsessively monitoring their environment) is super common among kids with PTSD. It relaxes when they start to feel safe, but probably doesn’t ever really go away.</span><br />
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<i>How we handled it: </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?</a></span><br />
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Poop and Other Bodily Fluids</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> It's part of them. Some children develop an irrational fear of the potty or "losing" part of their body (poop). I have seen a child "hold it" all day to avoid having to use the restroom at daycare, waiting instead until she was put in a diaper at night - causing serious intestinal issues. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I've heard of kids hoarding/ hiding jars of pee, dirty pull-ups, used kotex... I can only assume at least part of this is related to whatever causes them to hoard. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>How we handled it: </i></span></span><br />
<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2017/08/whats-that-smell-potty-issues.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Potty Issues - What's That Smell?</span></a><br />
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Low Tolerance/ Overwhelm</span></b><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6Y3mFMK1MUu-QTsGH3nwr-QhBBRGU33KIXlHfBzn2-8OG0V1_KhU1qr2SO8WYGQ6QbSZM9F3N-WqrBJ8YkE_TKnVyKv7qu423oaCGTF6H9BRUppBX1wxmf79MOVJGITqtohja9QLF6kH6/s1600/Chore+chart+levels.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="310" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6Y3mFMK1MUu-QTsGH3nwr-QhBBRGU33KIXlHfBzn2-8OG0V1_KhU1qr2SO8WYGQ6QbSZM9F3N-WqrBJ8YkE_TKnVyKv7qu423oaCGTF6H9BRUppBX1wxmf79MOVJGITqtohja9QLF6kH6/s320/Chore+chart+levels.jpg" width="248" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our kids tend to have a low tolerance for stress and are easily overwhelmed. </span><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">How we handled it: </span></b></span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Simplify</i></span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is sometimes necessary to simplify a child’s life a LOT to lessen the feeling of “overwhelm.” This can be like childproofing – avoiding and removing things and events that can be triggers.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>Make Their World Smaller</i></b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This can be making their world smaller and lowering expectations. <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/09/kittys-coming-home.html" target="_blank">Level Chart post</a>.</span><br />
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<b><i>Strip The Room</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Following a therapist's advice, we stripped the child’s room to only a bed, one or two stuffed animals, a book, and not much else. In times of extreme stress, we moved our child's dresser to our room. The child had to bring dirty clothes to “check out” clean ones. This helped with hygiene issues, and lessened the amount of overwhelm. It made cleaning the room easier for the child to do him/herself (if they were able to do it alone at all). </span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Room and Belongings Searches </i></span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Bear frequently stole things and hoarded food and other items. Usually when searching his room, I gave it a good cleaning and removed all contraband and health hazards. While I usually did this randomly when he wasn't at home, Bear was aware that we did this for his safety, and rarely protested - even when I found contraband and gave him consequences.</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Age Appropriate Expectations </i>- </span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Expectations are reduced to the child's emotional age. Kitty may be 16, but when dysregulated, emotionally she'd drop to about 6yo. Her daily chores became super basic.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We had a long discussion with Kitty about being emotionally 6 (still ticks her off to hear that), and that it wasn't fair to expect her to be able to handle certain things, and we felt it was cruel to dangle higher level privileges she couldn't actually achieve over her head. So therefore, I was going to stop "punishing" her for not being able to do things she wasn't ready for yet. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" target="_blank">Age Appropriate Expectations<i style="font-weight: bold;"> </i></a></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>Chores</i></b>-</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We gave Kitty fewer chores and they are very simple and concrete. They were chores that would normally be given to a younger child (her <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" target="_blank">emotional age</a>). </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She did the same chores every day instead of rotating like the other kids. </span><span style="color: #0000ee; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-decoration-line: underline;">Chores</span></span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Put It in Writing</i></span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Lists cut down on the arguing. It always surprises me how much less the pushback is when I say, "Is your list done?" instead of, "Do {this} now." I think it's because there is less implied "criticism" from a list. Criticism is probably one of Kitty's biggest triggers, even if there was no criticism happening. It's not a reality based thing, it just feels like it to her.</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Changing Your Expectations</i></span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Changing my expectations has helped ME immensely (<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" target="_blank">Finding the Joy</a>). I'm less frustrated by her inability to do things that would be "normal" for a teen. I do have to constantly remind myself "She's only 6! She's only 6! She's only 6!"</span><br />
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<b><i>Declutter</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At home, I did things like declutter and clean the child's room myself (</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/03/decluttering.html" target="_blank">Decluttering</a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">), because even with me helping them clean, it was overwhelming. So I did it when they weren't there, although I let them know ahead of time. I left nothing but a bed, a book/ quiet toy, and a stuffed animal, at one point I even had my daughter's dresser in my room, and she "checked out" her clothing by bringing me the dirty ones, THIS WAS NOT A PUNISHMENT. I tried to find ways to help them understand that. I pointed out that now cleaning their room would be a lot easier! (</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2017/07/choosing-joy-explaining-age-appropriate.html" target="_blank">Explaining Age-Appropriate Parenting to Your Child</a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">)</span></span><br />
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<b>DE-CLUTTERING IDEAS:</b></span><br />
<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/03/decluttering.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Decluttering Post</span></a><br />
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<b>Kid school projects</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For all the cute school stuff the kids brought home, I'd put it in a folder marked with their name and age/school grade. A couple of years later, surrounded by the detritus of 2-4 kids' massive amounts of awards, report cards, stories, art projects I am able to go through it again and be fairly vicious. You can also take a picture of the item and trash the original.</span><br />
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<b>Moving Time</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Every time we move stuff around (like when I had to give up my sewing room to Bob for a bedroom), I try to go through it again with an eye to "what have I used recently... or never"?</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Santa is Coming</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Twice annually, I try to have the kids go through the house and de-clutter their own stuff. It works especially well to do it over the Thanksgiving holiday. I think I've blogged about this before. Basically I tell the children that Christmas is coming and they have too much stuff. Lots of kids would love the stuff that they no longer play with and the more they give away the more room they'll have for new toys from Santa!</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Numbers Game</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When going through items they had many of, I told them they could keep "X" number of items. I tried to make it sound like I hadn't just pulled the number out of the air. Sometimes it was based on their age, how many they needed (7 days in a week so 10 shirts), or how much room the toy took up (Ex. Ponito got to keep more match box cars than his age that year, but Bob could only have 10 stuffed animals). I didn't tell them my reasoning, just said, "You can keep 10 stuffed animals." This way the control issues were kept to a minimum and they didn't argue with me about what should be kept (it wasn't my decision it was theirs!). Helped them learn to prioritize what they like and wanted.</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Fashion Show</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don't know how the clothes manage to accumulate like bunnies (except for socks of course, which disappear singly). Rather than just having them try on clothes, we make it a little more fun with a "fashion show." Once we have clothes pared down to just what fits, then they have to pair it down to just what's needed (the rest can go in the Clothes Closet or Good Will bag), usually one for every day of the week, plus a couple of extras. They get to choose which clothes they want to keep.</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Clothes Closet</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Clothes are back to being a huge issue for me because the girls and I wear similar sizes and all of us fluctuate in weight so it's harder for me to get rid of the clothes (I want to hang on to them just in case). I tend toward classics so it's not as easy as throwing away all the acid wash jeans with zippers and the ripped up sweatshirts (am I showing my age)?</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Garage Sale Prices</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I paid the kids $1 a bag (large kitchen trash bags) for all the toys they got rid of - the theory was I would sell them at some future date in a garage sale and this way they got their share of the money now instead of waiting and hoping it would sell. We got rid of a lot of those McD*nald type toys that clutter up everyone's toy boxes! I also paid them $1 for full bags of trash (to try to avoid the kids putting trash in the sale bags to fill them up faster).</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sort Immediately</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u>Laundry</u> is my nemesis. I try to put the laundry basket near the drawers or closet where the majority of them go and put them away directly into the appropriate drawer, but I have to admit, we have a couch in our bedroom that is draped with sorted piles of clean clothes (my husband's shirt stack, my shirt stack, his undies, my undies, matched socks, folded towels...). Not sure why I have trouble doing that extra step of actually putting them away.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u>Paperwork i</u>s my other big clutter issue. Hubby keeps every bill we ever had - mostly not opened because he pays online - and that's a LOT! I have IEPs, psych evals, applications, reports... for both kids. I've gotten a little more organized about that, because otherwise the piles will eat me (I love my <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/02/organize-how-do-you-keep-school-stuff.html" target="_blank">3" 3-ring binders</a>). Now that I'm in two NAMI classes, trying to study for my social work license, and keep up on my reading, that adds up too. I try not to even go to the mailbox unless I'm ready to sort right then. Hubby's, Old Company, Mine, and Trash (recycling). Coupons and stuff go in my car - which I usually end up throwing away as they expire.</span></span><br />
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<b>Inspiration</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I read books about de-cluttering, watch lots of trash TV including things like Clean House and other decorating shows for inspiration. I signed up for Fly Lady at one point - which was really helpful. Of course the kids are old enough now to do lots of stuff for themselves (laundry, dishes, etc.) as evidenced by our chore chart.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">More posts on techniques for stripping/ decluttering the room:</span></span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/01/adult-boarder-vs-family-girl.html" target="_blank">Adult Boarder vs "Family Girl"</a></span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/therapeutically-parenting-adult-child.html" target="_blank">Therapeutically Parenting the Adult Child</a></span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>How To Strip a Room:</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7kMJIfRqsfv6aQcDHIeUHRNSwAzUibKiREgw76yJHNoj-v6ilXzFBd8LLfUJgT8zkc8_S257u2LsF3F74OUxAdOdes7sWggeC-QbC5PDvuD4JlyWGk8W5uOp4LyFDsAjR7MXcXStyLKmd/s1600/2015+H+room+bed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="900" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7kMJIfRqsfv6aQcDHIeUHRNSwAzUibKiREgw76yJHNoj-v6ilXzFBd8LLfUJgT8zkc8_S257u2LsF3F74OUxAdOdes7sWggeC-QbC5PDvuD4JlyWGk8W5uOp4LyFDsAjR7MXcXStyLKmd/s320/2015+H+room+bed.jpg" width="180" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHNSUbWXOdrld-FUtpXh9OrE08c_1mHfrrYgEafbZbOAUubVPANTGE9i21VyiAtYgurAw-59sjd167TtzpXZ-kTYO-b5nrVkxgMlmaejh8HstdLRN8Dtx9qwMQ5E1HY5FC1T5muRr6srZT/s1600/H+room.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHNSUbWXOdrld-FUtpXh9OrE08c_1mHfrrYgEafbZbOAUubVPANTGE9i21VyiAtYgurAw-59sjd167TtzpXZ-kTYO-b5nrVkxgMlmaejh8HstdLRN8Dtx9qwMQ5E1HY5FC1T5muRr6srZT/s320/H+room.jpg" width="320" /></a></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When Bear finally officially moved out. His room was way worse than this. And it wasn't the first time I had to do this. {Post:</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/02/eeeeewwwwww.html" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" target="_blank">Ewww!!!</a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">}</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here's what I did: </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. <b>Wore gloves</b>. My daughter, Bob, was helping me one time and picked up a used condom with her bare hands. She never helped me again, and I started wearing gloves!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. <b>Gathered up Containers and Supplies </b>- </span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Gloves!</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Box of white kitchen trash bags</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Black sharpie to label bags. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tied a trash bag to my belt loop. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Labeled a bag for Donate (I used white kitchen trash bags for these so I could write "Donate" on the bag and it wouldn't get mixed with trash).</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Box for things that belonged elsewhere in the house. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Bag for dishes and cups. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Several laundry baskets. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One Rubbermaid Tub for things he might want to keep (high school diploma, pictures of his birth family, school yearbook, winter coat...)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Cleaning supplies - for later, I emptied the room first.</span></li>
</ul>
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<div style="font-size: medium; font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>3. Started at the Doorway and worked my way in to the room</b>. Once the floor was clean enough to stand in the room, I'd pick something to start with (a dresser, a book shelf, the bed...). Once it was stripped, then I'd move to the next area.</span></div>
<div style="font-size: medium; font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><b>4. Threw it in the Hall.</b> When a bag, box, or basket got full, I'd throw them out into the hall. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>5. Take it Where It's Supposed to Go. </b>Whenever the hall got full, I'd take out the trash, line up the Donate bags by the front door to be loaded in to my car, drag the laundry baskets to the laundry room and dump them on the floor so I could take the baskets back upstairs (and start or switch over a load). Dump the dishes in the sink. Then I'd start again until the next time the hallway got too full.</span></div>
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<div style="font-size: medium; font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">On one of these cleanings, I pulled out 20 loads of laundry (clothes, towels, bedding, About 9 bags of trash. 1-2 bags of donate (most stuff was too trashed to donate). 1 large Rubbermaid tub of things he might want to keep. Only one bag of dishes! And a relatively small pile of things that weren't his (it hadn't been that long since I last searched his room for contraband). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>6. Sort.</b> When the laundry was clean, I had 3 kitchen trash bags of clothes labeled by size (his weight fluctuated - Med, Large, XL). I dispersed the remaining laundry and the box of stuff that wasn't supposed to be in his room (kitchen towels, bathroom towels that weren't his, stuff he'd stolen...) where they was supposed to go. Stuff stolen from non-family members went to the school so they could figure out who it belonged to. </span></div>
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<div style="font-size: medium;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>7. Clean! </b>Start at the top (ceiling fan) and work your way down. I used a lot of 409 type cleaners.</span></div>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdR7dED3Q96ywD4llXrThbBp-4skhXc7_UKw3G-cw9HFHRR3I4j74bYpchljgTPr6VW4wYGQlZDcTzUeElfhhYdFdAmTEuBzj6khn04c8WQv3LRcVfSGjw8x2H4SLkGIP7lPHLdcpbYQ0b/s1600/Dmuralwall.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdR7dED3Q96ywD4llXrThbBp-4skhXc7_UKw3G-cw9HFHRR3I4j74bYpchljgTPr6VW4wYGQlZDcTzUeElfhhYdFdAmTEuBzj6khn04c8WQv3LRcVfSGjw8x2H4SLkGIP7lPHLdcpbYQ0b/s320/Dmuralwall.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Those big white patches on the wall are where he punched his fist through the wall.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="font-size: medium; font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>8. Repair. </b>Patch holes in the walls (he often punched his fist through the walls), replace furniture and repair things like the ceiling fan and window curtains, repaint, and throw away carpet (as needed)<b>.</b> </span></div>
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<div style="font-size: medium; font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We had to throw away the carpet, because we discovered he was spitting in the house. The walls also had to be sanded down and repainted for the same reason. </span></div>
</div>
marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-33171489230917475932017-08-27T12:18:00.001-05:002017-08-27T12:18:42.158-05:009 Year Blog Anniversary<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAqmsv-iYnRCdNvdUsy5jEOJHZviOKXYI59xbLaQvfc0wWdCxXqXYN-pnM0mPu8DLF2GEB0kcFolVMLY13ktb-be2gyJjPLPPpC2pxOpE2luABfoFtQjd87yPLVa0YZGOim56W1Lv2FGNx/s1600/supermom.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="286" data-original-width="300" height="190" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAqmsv-iYnRCdNvdUsy5jEOJHZviOKXYI59xbLaQvfc0wWdCxXqXYN-pnM0mPu8DLF2GEB0kcFolVMLY13ktb-be2gyJjPLPPpC2pxOpE2luABfoFtQjd87yPLVa0YZGOim56W1Lv2FGNx/s200/supermom.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I can't believe it's been 9 years since I started this blog!<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1KIfj6AQtxo3tHee9ptwqdaz_MR_X2Zwk3xZ9-GzaeGUv_7aWeu0Y7_9hzsTcdNbiY_PveRvv3VCjQx_WootSIQoXt0IRSD4B-9ROjQeU87wvqS0S7z3pukSNYQpGTgQ2vjeYdZejYlVG/s1600/superwomanTiara.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="286" data-original-width="300" height="190" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1KIfj6AQtxo3tHee9ptwqdaz_MR_X2Zwk3xZ9-GzaeGUv_7aWeu0Y7_9hzsTcdNbiY_PveRvv3VCjQx_WootSIQoXt0IRSD4B-9ROjQeU87wvqS0S7z3pukSNYQpGTgQ2vjeYdZejYlVG/s200/superwomanTiara.jpg" width="200" /></a>This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of children adopted as teens who have RAD, trauma other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" biokids), is not easy, and there are often time when I say what I feel... <i>at that moment</i>. We're all human!<br />
<br />
<b>It started out as a way to vent</b><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2008/08/venting.html" target="_blank">My First Blog Pos</a>t<br />In our house, it's called the "<b>Three Vent Rule</b>." In my need to talk through my problems, I discovered I was not only burdening my friends and family with my problems, but I was also "ruminating" and actually making myself feel worse. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I eventually came up with the "<b>Three Vent Rule</b>" - which stated that I could only whine/ complain on any one subject to no more than 3 people. I try to spread the love around too so no one person bears the burden of all my whinging (except Hubby - poor baby always has to listen, but that's why I married him - because of his broad shoulders - designed to bear all the weight of my world, and then some). I also had an unwritten rule to try to make the story as entertaining as possible so no one would notice what a total whiner baby I really am.<br /><br />Another big source of venting for me was the long e-mail (Hubby calls them novels). I would write all about what my children were in to (or more likely up to) and the whole adoption team was FORCED to read them. Now that my children's adoptions are FINALLY final, I no longer have a captive audience. I'm hoping that this blog will allow me to vent without overwhelming my small support group.<br />So now I begin the journey into blogging.</blockquote>
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJB8Miu8wl5UH4_1R2IBQ-ge7SC_NR40N3RHaft_8xRoYTmnR1ECnEpdPdl6OUOt7EA8WengLwHCfN4_YnH2J7hJeYLiixAXOWZ9TxBEq6bGWUuKsMoR419ZkpmGts_vv2GQzbfzb5XYcl/s1600/superwomanOlder.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="286" data-original-width="300" height="190" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJB8Miu8wl5UH4_1R2IBQ-ge7SC_NR40N3RHaft_8xRoYTmnR1ECnEpdPdl6OUOt7EA8WengLwHCfN4_YnH2J7hJeYLiixAXOWZ9TxBEq6bGWUuKsMoR419ZkpmGts_vv2GQzbfzb5XYcl/s200/superwomanOlder.jpg" width="200" /></a><br />
<b>5 Years Ago - <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/05/where-did-your-blog-go.html" target="_blank">Where Did Your Blog Go?</a></b><br />
I had shut my blog down when I discovered the kids' biofamily were reading it. When I decided to put it back up, these were my reasons:<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"> </span><br />
<div class="yiv335939376msonormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;">
</div>
<ol style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;">
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 3pt;"><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">As a place to vent and get support from other moms who
"get it." When I first started blogging I didn't have
access to this amazing community, and the few people I knew who'd adopted,
even those who'd adopted RAD kids, had adopted younger children. <o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 3pt;"><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">To share and provide support and education for other
trauma mamas. Over the years I've had to acquire a crash course in
RAD and trauma and I didn't want others to have to go through what I did
and make the same mistakes I made.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 3pt;"><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">To provide information to those in my kids' lives that
needed it (like Grandma), without having to repeat myself or chance having
the kids over hear it.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 3pt;"><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">To maintain a record of events.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></li>
</ol>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I seriously considered
closing my blog permanently after these events. It had become harder and
harder to find the time to blog, and as I was becoming more despondent and
hopeless over the fact that Kitty was getting worse and worse and we had fewer
and fewer options. I was blogging from a more and more negative place, and that
felt awful. I chose not to stop because:<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 3pt;"><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">While I do have other places to vent, most of them
don't know the "back story," and therefore most of their support
is sending hugs and prayers (which are greatly appreciated!), but less
practical. This group has helped me be a better advocate and
therapeutic parent for my children - through support, advice, and even
helping me write documents. It also helps to get validation from
people who know I'm not a saint or evil personified. In the weeks
since I've closed down the blog I've realized how much I need and care
about all of you!<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 3pt;"><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I get a lot of positive feedback and personal satisfaction
out of my role as educator and advocate. It is extremely helpful to
be able to say, "Oh, I learned a lot about that at Katharine Leslie's
seminar or here's how we handle discipline at our house - here's a
link." I can't imagine just throwing all those resources away.
When you don't get a lot of positive feedback from your kids, it
helps to get it from somewhere!<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 3pt;"><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It helps me maintain my link to this community and its
resources.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
</ol>
</li>
</ol>
<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1KIfj6AQtxo3tHee9ptwqdaz_MR_X2Zwk3xZ9-GzaeGUv_7aWeu0Y7_9hzsTcdNbiY_PveRvv3VCjQx_WootSIQoXt0IRSD4B-9ROjQeU87wvqS0S7z3pukSNYQpGTgQ2vjeYdZejYlVG/s1600/superwomanTiara.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="286" data-original-width="300" height="190" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1KIfj6AQtxo3tHee9ptwqdaz_MR_X2Zwk3xZ9-GzaeGUv_7aWeu0Y7_9hzsTcdNbiY_PveRvv3VCjQx_WootSIQoXt0IRSD4B-9ROjQeU87wvqS0S7z3pukSNYQpGTgQ2vjeYdZejYlVG/s200/superwomanTiara.jpg" width="200" /></a><br />
<b>Present Day</b><br />
Now, I mostly blog for different reasons. <br /><br />I've become very active in the trauma/ attachment issues community, working with foster, adoptive, bio, step, blended... families dealing with children with attachment challenges. Among other Facebook groups, I moderate a large online support group called Parenting Attachment Challenged Children. In giving advice, suggestions, and resources it helped to have it all written in one place to refer to rather than having to rewrite the same information over and over.<br /><br />I still do the occasional update about my family, but now they are all legally adults and stable (mostly), it's more about supporting this community.<br />
<br />
I don't blog as much as I used to, mostly when someone asks me a question I don't already have a post about. I'm looking forward to the coming years!<br />
<br />marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-55808281856358319802017-08-24T12:03:00.004-05:002021-03-09T17:48:47.181-06:00What's That Smell? Potty Issues<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheY5qBSoEXlsIF_yKELYBsyAsEAGj9rVlrjRCL_nID80AXw_cGAYC0AVY64dholVKHGhgZIc2PX9dJNn8vVyrCUL3U_Vgw79k22kiTrnTFkBGcGclmAmaE5Kwwyxce9ZIBbChDDIHrwAl0/s1600/toiletnplunger.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><img border="0" data-original-height="120" data-original-width="80" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheY5qBSoEXlsIF_yKELYBsyAsEAGj9rVlrjRCL_nID80AXw_cGAYC0AVY64dholVKHGhgZIc2PX9dJNn8vVyrCUL3U_Vgw79k22kiTrnTFkBGcGclmAmaE5Kwwyxce9ZIBbChDDIHrwAl0/s320/toiletnplunger.jpg" width="212" /></span></a></div>
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span>There are many different causes for "potty issues" (aka "enuresis" - wetting and "encopresis" - pooping). </span><span>Often there is more than one cause. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">"Potty issues" can be bed wetting, refusal to poop, daytime wetting or pooping, pooping or wetting in inappropriate places or at inappropriate times, "painting" with poop...). </span><br />
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<span>Dysregulation, trauma triggers, a need for control... can cause issues and regression in this area. These can also cause the "<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/05/the-rad-stink.html" target="_blank"><b>RAD Stink</b></a>" which has little to do with potty issues and usually smells worse.</span></span><br />
</span><blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span><br /></span><span><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/05/the-rad-stink.html"><span style="color: #0b5394;">The RAD Stink</span></a></b> - You've heard of the "smell of fear"? This is the smell of dysregulation. It usually smells like a combination of poo and the worst body odor you can imagine. Yes, sometimes our kids' hygiene is not the best, but this stench doesn't go away, even with thorough washing and a change of clothes (although we have found that using a combination of antibiotic waterless hand soap under the armpits and a change of clothing can frequently keep the school from sending her home yet again!). </span></span></blockquote>
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span><br /></span><span><b>Developmental</b> - lack of readiness for potty training. </span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">This can include emotional development too! Your child could physically be 8 years old, but operating emotionally at the level of a toddler. <b>[<i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" target="_blank">Therapeutic Parenting Based on Social/Emotional Developmental Age</a>]</i></b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="color: #222222;">
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span><u><b>My Potty Training Philosophy</b></u> is that it is better for children to switch straight from diapers to underwear when they have <b><i>all</i></b><i> </i>of the signs of readiness (Showing an interest in the potty. Able to take own clothes on and off. Staying dry for over an hour or so</span><span>).<o:p></o:p></span></span></blockquote>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span><b>Physical causes</b></span><span> - Potty issues can be caused by:<br />
</span></span></div>
<ul style="color: #222222;">
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u>Lack of physical readiness</u> - <span>children who are not physically ready to potty train will </span><span>“dribble”</span><span> all the time, rather than be able to hold their urine;</span></span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u>Chronic constipation</u> (which can also cause Urinary Tract Infections), </span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u>Urinary/
bladder/ kidney infections;</u></span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u>Problems with the "plumbing"</u> (Kitty and
my sister had to have surgery to correct issues with their "plumbing"
- the "tubes" leading from the bladder being too small or the valves
from the kidneys not working correctly); </span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u>Allergies</u> can cause severe
gastrointestinal issues; </span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u>Medications and med changes</u> can cause gastrointestinal issues and other issues</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u>Sleep issues</u> - deep sleep (which can be caused by exhaustion, medications, or a biological/ genetic predisposition...) can mean the body may not "hear" the signals that the bladder or intestines are full;</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: arial;"><u>Hormones
</u><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">(trauma can trigger early onset of puberty meaning hormones can come into play
at a much younger age!);</span></span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u>Hernias</u> (my nephew had a hernia at age 8
that caused him to wet his bed at night),</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u>Scarring</u> means the body may not "hear" or recognize the signals...</span></li>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span><b>Emotional causes</b></span><span> - This subject will always make me think of </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/02/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><b>Christine Moer's</b></span></a><span> </span><span style="color: #0b5394;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYcMgFrHUT8" target="_blank"> "Pee Song."</a> (She used to have a better quality video of the song but unfortunately, this is the only one available now.) </span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/bYcMgFrHUT8/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/6wie3NkoM3o?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span><span style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><u> </u></span></span><span><u>It's part of them</u> - some children develop an <u>irrational fear </u>of the potty or "losing" part of their body (poop). I have witnessed a child "hold it" all day to avoid having to use the restroom at daycare, waiting instead until she was put in a diaper at night - causing serious intestinal issues;</span></span></div>
</li>
<li style="color: #222222; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;">
<span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span><span><u>Distracted, forgets, or has difficulty with transitions</u> - difficulties stopping what</span></span><span> he/she is doing to go potty;</span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li style="color: #222222; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="font-family: arial;"><u>Dissociating/ Hyperfocused</u> - they may be dissociating - not aware of the world around them, or the opposite- too focused (hyper-focused) on what they are doing to stop and use the restroom;</span></span></span></li>
<li style="color: #222222; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;">
<span><span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span><span><u>Doesn't want to draw attention to themselves</u> - </span></span><span> may be uncomfortable or afraid to ask or not want to interrupt someone to ask to go;</span></span></span></span></div>
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<li style="color: #222222; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;">
<span><span><span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span><span style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><u><span>Dissociation from physical self or lowered awareness of their body</span></u><span> - not knowing they need to go until it is too late - this can include not realizing or not caring that they have wet or messed their clothing; </span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<li style="color: #222222; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;">
<span><span><span><span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span><span style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><u><span>Sexual abuse</span></u><span> can cause a fear of bathrooms (might remind them of the place they were abused), unwillingness to be naked (for toileting, baths, or showers), and/or unwillingness to touch themselves in places they were abused (causing issues with wiping and hygiene as well). A sexually abused child may also be trying to make him/herself "unattractive" by being "dirty" or smelly (this defense mechanism may last long past the time the child was abused); </span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li style="color: #222222; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><u><span>Outdated defense mechanism</span></u><span> - defense mechanisms are an unconscious way to protect yourself emotionally. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="text-indent: 0in;">Oftentimes, old defense mechanisms outlive their usefulness, but the child can't consciously stop. Defense mechanisms can feel life or death and the child doesn't feel safe without them (this is a "perceived safety" and has nothing to do with their current situation - where they are safe [<b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?</a>);</i></b></span></div>
</li>
<li style="color: #222222; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;">
<span><span><span><span><span><span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u>Regression or delayed development</u>. - frequently children with trauma issues will remain stuck in earlier developmental stages or will regress to a younger age- especially when dysregulated or triggered. The child may not be ready for potty training yet (or any more). It might be a way for your child to tell you they need the support and attention you would give a younger child - they may start baby talking, "forget" how to do things they used to be able to do, want to be fed, changed, or cuddled by you [<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" target="_blank"><b>Dysregulation and Meltdowns</b></a>];</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
</li>
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<span><span><span><span><span><span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u><span>Way of expressing without words that they are unhappy or in emotional distress</span></u><span>. Sometimes potty issues are a way of saying, "I'm pissed," or "Poo on you!" It also could mean "This is a poopy situation!" or "I don't give a poo!";</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<li style="color: #222222; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;">
<span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span><span><u>Entertainment and attention</u>. - the child may e</span></span><span>njoy watching others jump around and get upset. Their potty issues may draw attention to them (negative attention is still attention!).<b>[<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2017/10/why-wont-my-child-just-behave.html" target="_blank">Why Won't My Child Just Behave?</a>];</b></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u><span>Feeling in control of their environment</span></u><span> - a lot of kids feel that they can't control what's going on in their lives, but they can control what goes in to and out of their bodies and what happens to it;</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
</li><li style="color: #222222; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;"><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span><u>Feeling overwhelmed</u> - sometimes kids can't admit with words that they can't handle something (ex. a sleepover, a school trip, going to a loud, noisy pool...) so they self-sabotage.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div></li>
<li style="color: #222222; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span><u>Hoarding</u>. An irrational fear that can be caused by a loss of everything when moved to a new situation (like foster care) or due to a mental health disorder </span>like </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD),
attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and/or depression;</span></span></div>
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<li style="color: #222222; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;">
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u><span style="line-height: 107%;">The smell feels
"normal," maybe even comforting</span></u><span style="line-height: 107%;">. A child who
experienced neglect at a young age may have consistently sat in wet/ dirty
diapers or surrounded by this smell. Just like a child who grew up in chaos
might act in ways to trigger that chaos, because that is the "norm"
for their neurological system;</span></span></div>
</li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial; line-height: 107%;"><u>Comforting.</u> Kids with attachment issues can wet the bed for comfort.... the smell of themselves comforts them subconsciously. <b><i>{Helpful Tip: Try finding something ELSE that is comforting (the smell of mom - give the child a shirt you've worn to sleep with, the smell of popcorn - put a bowl of popcorn by the bed... etc)}</i></b>; </span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #222222; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #222222; text-indent: 0in;"><span><u>Proof you love them.</u> Only parents handle pee and poop and still love you; </span></span></span></li>
<li style="color: #222222; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;">
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u><span>Pushing you away before you can reject them - </span></u><span>Many kids of trauma "know" they are unworthy or unlovable and believe that when you find out you will leave like everyone else - so to get control of that they find ways to push you away. <span style="color: #0b5394;"><b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/if-you-find-out-im-not-perfect-youll.html">If You Find Out I'm Not Perfect You'll Leave</a>;</i></b></span></span></span></div>
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<li style="color: #222222; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;">
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u style="text-indent: 0in;"><span>For reasons we/they don't understand! </span></u><span style="text-indent: 0in;"> I worked with a neurotypical, fully potty-trained child in a daycare situation who liked to change her clothes... frequently. When told she couldn't just change her clothes for no reason (the teacher didn't have time to stop everything and let her change her clothes multiple times a day) - the little girl "<i>made</i>" a reason! It took us a while to figure it out, and the first thing I tried (stopped allowing her to change into her pretty princess panties and cute outfits by providing her with gender-neutral clothes from the class lost and found) just caused her to step up her game - until eventually, it got to the point where she started finger-painting on the walls with poop. We had to back up and stop making it a control issue;</span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , sans-serif"><span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span><span style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><u><span>Some combination of the above</span></u><span> - Dysregulation, illness, hormones, med changes, trauma triggers... all can suddenly trigger or worsen issues. </span></span></span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><b>So What Do You Do About It?</b></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span style="text-indent: 0in;">This is why part
of our job as a therapeutic parent is to be a detective. Figuring out </span><i style="text-indent: 0in;">why</i><span style="text-indent: 0in;"> it's
happening can help us figure out how to stop it.</span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial; text-indent: 0in;"><b>Handling it -</b> </span></div>
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<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><u style="text-indent: 0in;"><span>Avoid
shaming and/or making it a control issue between the two of you;</span></u></span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><u style="text-indent: 0in;"><span>Remain
as calm and matter-of-fact as possible</span></u><span style="text-indent: 0in;">; </span></span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><u style="text-indent: 0in;"><span>Expect
the child to help clean up</span></u><span style="text-indent: 0in;">,
but try to keep within their developmental abilities. <b><i>{Remember an emotionally-delayed child should only be expected to do what is developmentally
appropriate for their emotional age. For example, you wouldn't expect a
2-year-old to mop up all the potty water from an overflowing toilet, disinfect
the room, put away cleaning supplies, and clean up his/herself safely. <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" target="_blank">Therapeutic Parenting Based on Emotional/Social Developmental Age}</a></i></b>;</span></span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><u style="text-indent: 0in;"><span>A
child in fight/ flight/ freeze </span></u><span style="text-indent: 0in;">is acting purely instinctually - the thinking part of the brain
is not "online" so it is best to address things when the child is regulated. [<b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" target="_blank">Handling Dysregulation and Meltdowns</a>];</i></b></span></span></li>
<li><span style="text-indent: 0in;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u>Social Skills. </u>Sometimes having outsiders comment on the child's smell/ hygiene will help, but it could also feel shaming. Plus, most people won't say anything about it. They'll politely suffer through the smell instead (and tell you about it later). Often, kids will just avoid your child. I have tried warning my children that their poor hygiene can cause social issues but my warnings rarely had an effect because they didn't appear to be true;</span></span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u style="text-indent: 0in;"><span>Keep
a change of clothes</span></u><span style="text-indent: 0in;"><u> (or 3) with the
child</u> (backpack, locker, cubby...) or in the nurse's office or somewhere the child can access it. Waterless, antibacterial handsoap can often help with
odors and cleaning;</span></span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u style="text-indent: 0in;"><span>Give
the child some socially acceptable words/ euphemisms</span></u><span style="text-indent: 0in;"> they can use to explain to others what
happened. My 16yo daughter called me from school once asking me to bring her a
change of clothes because she'd, "lost an argument with the water
fountain" (unfortunately for us, this was the nurse's suggestion and I didn't get it and made her tell me why I should drop everything and bring her a change of clothes};</span></span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u style="text-indent: 0in;"><span>Make
a schedule.</span></u><span style="text-indent: 0in;"> Does the child
need reminders to go potty? You can also provide assistance with helping a child get up in the middle of the night to
go to the bathroom;.</span></span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial; text-indent: 0in;"><u>Use a timer.</u> Some kids can't handle having you tell them what to do, and/or they get preoccupied with what they're doing and forget to go. Having a timer means the reminder is consistent and better yet, it's not coming from <i>you; </i>Your child is less likely to be defiant to a timer;</span></li>
<li><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u style="text-indent: 0in;"><span>Make
an appointment </span></u><span style="text-indent: 0in;">- have a doctor make
sure the cause isn't a medical issue;</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="text-indent: 0in;"><u style="text-indent: 0in;"><span>Keep hygiene lessons brief </span></u><span style="text-indent: 0in;">- but do give them. I let my kids know that not changing underwear/clothes/ sheets with pee or poo in it can burn the skin and lead to infections. I also gave lessons (with clothes on!) about how to wipe and clean. (Also in how to change out a toilet paper roll!). These do have to be repeated as needed. My kids took a long time learning this; </span></span><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/iL6p5W-Fvik" style="color: black; font-size: medium;" width="459"></iframe></span></li>
</ul>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEGazS19zxVeVda8HkZ6G6Aswq0nRJAQeq4Z79ka8TNFnak4Goz3i4GXQlLuowG5pEY1IDKBOTFBqCRUOmACGJ9fZlChadyeyTnQBvm5XnpOEG3ZHJCjApwDs9X5T2cngAhCzMDoLnFJO_/s1600/arm+and+hammer+cat+litter+deodorizer.jpg" style="clear: right; display: inline; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="300" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEGazS19zxVeVda8HkZ6G6Aswq0nRJAQeq4Z79ka8TNFnak4Goz3i4GXQlLuowG5pEY1IDKBOTFBqCRUOmACGJ9fZlChadyeyTnQBvm5XnpOEG3ZHJCjApwDs9X5T2cngAhCzMDoLnFJO_/s200/arm+and+hammer+cat+litter+deodorizer.jpg" width="200" /></span></a></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><span><u>Cleaning</u> - <br /><i><b>Wear
gloves!</b></i></span><span><b> </b>This is less
about worry about germs or the ick factor and more about the fact that the smell
of poo really adheres to your skin. When cleaning up yet another overflowing
potty, I always wear gloves! <br /><b>When cleaning bedding and clothes</b> - we generally add 1 cup of vinegar to the load to help with the smell.<br /><b>When cleaning carpet -</b> <br /><b><i>-- For poo</i></b> - I've used Arm&Hammer Cat Box Litter! I sprinkle it on the carpet, wait a while, and then vacuum it up.<br /><b><i>-- For pee </i></b>- using something absorbent, I try to dry up as much as possible (assuming it's still wet). Then I use <a href="https://www.walmart.com/ip/Odormute-15oz-Unscented/24881208?wmlspartner=wlpa&selectedSellerId=0&adid=22222222227017616090&wl0=&wl1=g&wl2=c&wl3=63777683591&wl4=pla-117308805671&wl5=9028268&wl6=&wl7=&wl8=&wl9=pla&wl10=8175035&wl11=online&wl12=24881208&wl13=&veh=sem" target="_blank">Odormute</a> (which you can get at pet stores, Wal-mart, wherever). You have to use enough to let it soak into wherever the pee touched (including the carpet pad). One box has lasted me a long time.</span><span style="text-indent: 0in;"> </span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u><span>Check
often</span></u><span>. My daughter slept in
a loft bed. I frequently had to give it a smell test. I also had to watch for
wet pull-ups, which for some reason, she liked to hide.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;"><u><span>A
trick for frequent bed wetters</span></u><span> - We had a
plastic mattress cover (of course) and made the bed as usual (fitted and flat
sheet). Then we covered that with a plastic layer of some sort (I liked shower
curtain liners - preferably ones that didn't make crinkly/ crunchy noises).
Made the bed again (fitted and flat sheet). Then repeated for several layers. We also kept some clean pjs (and pull-ups if used) by the bed in a little wooden
chest. </span></span></blockquote>
</blockquote>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">When the child woke up in the middle of the night with wet sheets, all
they needed to do was strip the top layer of sheets and protective plastic and their pjs and drop them in a nearby laundry basket (the plastic
sheeting generally kept the urine from getting everywhere), put on new pjs (kept
in a box/ drawer/ whatever right next to the bed), and then grab a new blanket if
needed (we kept folded up comforters/ blankets on a shelf at the bottom of the
bed). </span></blockquote>
</blockquote>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-family: arial;">Voila! Back in bed ready to sleep in minutes. This could be done multiple times
in one night if needed. In the morning, the child could put the whole mess in
the washer (with some hydrogen peroxide and/ or vinegar or whatever you like to
use).</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/02/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic_9.html" target="_blank"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;"><b>Low Tolerance/ Overwhelm</b></span></a><br /><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">It is sometimes necessary to simplify a child’s life a LOT to
lessen the feeling of “overwhelm,” which can lead to potty and other issues <br /><br />This can be like childproofing –
avoiding and removing things and events that can be triggers. This can also be
making their world smaller and lowering expectations. </span><br /><br /><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;"><b><u>Stripping the room</u></b> - One thing Kitty's therapist recommended was stripping her
room. Nothing but a bed, one book, and one stuffed animal. It was NOT a
punishment, and not something they could "earn" back (or actually not
earn back, because my kids are afraid to be emotionally attached to things as
it gives others power over them so they affect indifference to them. ).</span><br /><br /><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;"><b><u>Checking Out Clothing</u></b> - For a time, I even took my daughter's dresser out of her room
and had her check out her clothes. In the morning, she would bring me her PJs (and pull-ups) and trade them for whatever clothes she wanted to wear that day <b><i>(this cut way down on the wet
pull-ups and worse stuffed behind dressers and other places)</i>. </b>To avoid overwhelm, but still give her choices, she and I would put together a few complete outfits that she could choose from in the morning.</span><br /><br /><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;"><b><u>Small Tasks</u></b> - We also cut back on the chore expectations she
"should" be able to handle. I would break down tasks into small steps
and give them to her one at a time. Instead of saying, "Clean your
room," which was overwhelming and just didn't happen. I would say,
"Empty your trashcan." and when that was done, then I would say,
"Put your dirty clothes in your laundry basket." When that was done,
I would say, "Put your laundry basket next to the washing machine."
Most of the time, I would have to do these things with her (not for her, but be
present in the room, often helping clean near her). </span><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;"><b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/09/kittys-coming-home.html" target="_blank">Chores, Responsibilities, and Other Things My Kids
Can't Handle</a> </i></b></span></span></span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span></span></span>
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="color: #222222;">Eventually, my daughter got to where she could do a few tasks at a time, but the chaos in her head will always be reflected in the chaos of her room. I still help her keep it regulated. </span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/therapeutically-parenting-adult-child.html" target="_blank"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;"><b><i>Therapeutically Parenting the Adult Child</i></b></span></a><b><i><br /></i></b></span></span></span><b style="text-indent: 0in;"><br />Child Proof the Room </b><br />
</span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwsqkvpF9CpZvMt5tSLCCBIgbsE6lDmHMK5L0p-xIOEmb0AvKNqiBbP8JDBHWDtIMzRDe3ceSaUCOCgdy-5K7Mx0XBugoHcYy8v3jKOyTc-qDp1-Q5uemdEy6eMztWukVP_TJeVHH7wRXX/s1600/puzzle+floor+tile.jpg" style="clear: right; display: inline; float: right; font-weight: bold; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1000" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwsqkvpF9CpZvMt5tSLCCBIgbsE6lDmHMK5L0p-xIOEmb0AvKNqiBbP8JDBHWDtIMzRDe3ceSaUCOCgdy-5K7Mx0XBugoHcYy8v3jKOyTc-qDp1-Q5uemdEy6eMztWukVP_TJeVHH7wRXX/s200/puzzle+floor+tile.jpg" width="200" /></span></a><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="text-indent: 0in;">- remove from the room carpet/ clean laundry/ whatever the child tends to pee/poop on. We pulled out the carpet in one child's room and replaced it with puzzle-like rubber tile floor mats (these come in multiple primary or pastel colors or dark gray/black). Obviously, this may not be an option for everyone. It might be possible to lay down plastic sheeting underneath the mats to protect the carpeting/ flooring underneath. </span><br />
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<br /><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;"><b>Patience</b> - With time, therapeutic parenting, and lots of therapy. Many of my child's potty issues slowly faded out. In the meantime, I did LOTS of <b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" target="_blank">Self-Care</a></b>!!</span></span></span></div>
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