tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post3738833978238822195..comments2023-12-26T17:10:25.915-06:00Comments on Muddling through Mayhem: Teen Privilege Dilemnamarythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-19467810190825835252013-02-03T10:42:18.645-06:002013-02-03T10:42:18.645-06:00I agree with what everyone has said on here. I too...I agree with what everyone has said on here. I too hate these gadgets, but they are part of the world today and their peers have them and the schools are teaching kids how to use them as they are becoming incorporated in almost every job out there. <br />I loved how Lisa says "Show me" not "Earn the right to have" I struggle with this not coming out of my mouth automatically in these types of things, but we know that it implies that they are not good enough right now to have it and it's taken as a judgement. But I've also learned that deep down, these kids feel like "why even try" because they are how they are and they will not get better. My niece would sabotage her end result to show everyone that she can't. It's that perceived helplessness. They won't try because they lack the self esteem to do it. I have a hard time separating the strength behind their dedication to be in control and the strength they can use to work hard at making the right choices. They just have to see it over and over again.. and again, to get that they can get stronger and do things that they felt they couldn't before. I feel, barring other issues, that it's a decision they have to make, to give a little hope, a little light, over to you to show them the way. What I've done is come up with goals that you will feel demonstrate enough responsibility to have her IPod back, even if it's just on weekends, which I think is a great idea as a shorter term goal. Then separate the goals from yourself by being on her "team" and helping her achieve them. Let her know that you are there to help her and cheer her on and congratulate her when she is making those good decisions that will help her reach her goal. I believe that the journey is just as important or sometimes more important then the reaching the end goal. I also believe that sometimes we have to take a step backwards to take two steps forward. She has created an opportunity to grow. I just wish she was younger and had more years to grow under you roof. RADMomINohiohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16479673428163793816noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-11985141266822052412013-02-02T14:00:48.646-06:002013-02-02T14:00:48.646-06:00Hi, We have the same issues with our 15 yo dd, mi...Hi, We have the same issues with our 15 yo dd, minus the texting friends part (as she has no friends.) We finally came up with a solution that works for us: The ipod is completely locked and in our possession during the school week. On weekends it is unlocked and given to her for limited time periods during the day, but it goes away at bedtime because that's when the "inappropriate video watching" tends to occur. My dd also knows we can and will review what she is watching/doing.<br /><br />I've gotten where I really hate all these electronic gadgets. They've caused us a lot of grief!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-48212960129097887452013-02-02T10:22:18.329-06:002013-02-02T10:22:18.329-06:00Lisa - Wow, you said EXACTLY what I'm feeling,...Lisa - Wow, you said EXACTLY what I'm feeling, except for one thing. Asking her to show me she can be responsible is something she CAN'T actually accomplish; therefore I'm torturing us both, dangling a privilege over her head for responsibilities that I know she's can't handle (she's still working on basic stuff and probably always will be). <br /><br />In the past I've "put it in her lap" and truthfully I've done that this time too because I keep wanting to give her "typical teen stuff," but the more I think about it the more I realize that's unfair to her. By leaving it up in the air, she continues to feel tortured and like I'm being unfair. It's damaging our relationship. She lives in a black and white, short-term world. <br /><br />I left this up in the air for several weeks while I thought about it. During these weeks, I gave her some things to do to help repair the relationships and show me she's capable of handling this and she's done... nothing. She says she has written a restitution letter to Grandma and a letter to me about why she should get her iPod back, but she didn't give it to anyone and now she's lost them. Of course she believes it's the thought that counts.<br /><br />We've had several talks about the "issues" including why I felt the boy and her behavior were inappropriate, and she can't/won't see my concerns. Another reason I know she's not ready.<br /><br />I've offered her the iPod with the internet feature disabled, and she doesn't want it.<br /><br />Thanks for your response. I try not to need all this validation, but it really does help to know that someone else "gets it."<br /><br />Marymarythemomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-39811612385106869162013-02-02T09:07:23.739-06:002013-02-02T09:07:23.739-06:00Don't give it back for now. Set up three or f...Don't give it back for now. Set up three or four reasonable goals for her to meet to revisit the issue, but don't expect her to actually get it back anytime soon. Put it completely in her lap by saying, "I know you would like this privilege and I will be happy to give it back as soon as YOU show me that you can be responsible." Responsible can mean working in therapy, doing chores, whatever it is that she is threatening to quit on since her immediate sense of entitlement cannot be quenched RIGHT NOW!! When teens act like that - threatening to stop trying, or the barely veiled threats of some type of retribution, they are trying to blackmail us into doing their bidding. They put us in the position of being the bad guy even though their direct defiance of our terms and conditions for even having the device to begin with is blatant. The fact that she does not see the error of her ways is problem number one. That is immaturity at its finest and the number one reason for her not to have this privilege. I sound like such a hard-a$$ don't I? I have lived and learned. I so desperately wanted my kids to be normal and fit in that I "tried" too many things to see how they would handle them, when in truth, I could clearly see how immature they were for their ages. I wanted to be fair, I wanted them all to have the same opportunities for social growth as their neurotypical siblings had. If they had diabetes I wouldn't worry so much about everyone having the same size piece of cake, and yet I was consumed with treating every one in (chronological) age appropriate ways and it bit me in the butt big time. Now I may seem very rigid and unforgiving, but in reality I am just sick of always having to defend my decisions (so I don't). So much of what our kids do is "typical teen stuff" but with the added twist of mental illness and all the other crap thrown on top which may make risky behaviors downright DANGEROUS. I just keep looking at every single thing I do or do not allow in terms of safety. Could she have an IPod with only preapproved music and all other features disabled? That would be the only thing I would let her do at this point. Her stability is very important to her well being and how can she maintain that when she keeps inviting instability into her life?Lisahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14612523674452864077noreply@blogger.com