This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Phone call follow up

Well, we had the conversation with Bear about the letter, during our regular collect call.  Hubby was upset about a comment in one of the letters, which I hadn't even noticed (Bear made the comment that Hubby always told him he'd be going to jail like his biodad - which is not accurate), so he wanted to discuss the letter too.

I don't know why I bother confronting Bear on his lies.  He claimed not to remember having written about the baby in the first place, tapered off into a lie about his girlfriend really telling him she was pregnant, and we just dropped the subject.

We talked a little about the possible sentencing in his case (also mentioned in the letter), and he made all sorts of comments that he can't possibly KNOW.  Then he started talking about what he was going to do when he got out of jail (if the charges were dismissed, dropped to Second Degree, or just he'd served his time).  We talked a little about Gary Job Corp once he's stable (if the charges are dismissed and he came home in a couple of months).  He was mad at us for the confrontation about his lying, so of course he made it clear that he's not coming back to Texas.  He's flip flopped on this a lot, so I'm not assuming it's set in stone, but honestly I would be surprised if he came home, because he knows we have expectations.

I asked him what his plans were, and he said he was going East to Chicago or the state of Washington (gotta love his education!).  I reminded him again (we've discussed this in previous conversations) that he REALLY needs support, especially during the first couple of months when he's getting stable on his meds and needing help accessing services (like SSI), and that he should be near family (us or his grandparents in Nebraska), because no one who is not family would likely be willing to put up with his behavior while he's not stable (family isn't thrilled about it either!).  He denied needing any help, and that if he did, he'd get it from social services.

A little later in the conversation he talked about going to Nebraska to live with his grandparents and near his birthsisters who he hasn't seen in "too long."  I pointed out that he had seen them recently, and his behavior had gotten them kicked out of their trailer home, and Hubby mentioned he should probably avoid them while he was getting stable on his meds.

In other words, he doesn't know what he wants to do, and is saying whatever pops in his head at the moment.  He's mad at us, and probably nervous that some of his behavior during his last few months in this state will come back to haunt him.

Deep breaths. After this conversation, Hubby and I both feel that this is not the last time Bear will be in jail in his lifetime.  I don't think he's going to be capable of doing what he needs to to stay out of jail.  Who knows though.  Maybe in 6 years when he hits 25 and his brain is done maturing... if he's still alive and not in jail for the rest of his life.