Adult Attachment Disorders: Dismissive

Children: Anxious Avoidant attachment.
Adults: Dismissive Attachment

As infants and young children, children with Anxious Avoidant attachment usually grew up in environments where their parents were not able to provide them with consistent and reliable emotional support, although their functional needs were met (ex. food, clothing, educational opportunities...). They grew up in an emotional void. They learned how to shut down their needs for care and comfort by focusing on play and exploration (ex. sports, school, music, working...) because it was too distressing to keep reaching out and not receive the love and support they needed. They were praised for their competence.

As adults they cope with distress by fending for themselves, focusing on achievement, shutting off dependency needs, and just carrying on. They tend to be loners, regarding relationships and emotions as being relatively unimportant. Their typical response to interpersonal conflict and stressful situations is to avoid them by distancing themselves (or organizing them). They have a difficult time letting people in; they do not trust that others will really be there for them when they need them. It is comforting/ soothing for them to be by themselves. Their lives are not balanced: they are inward and isolated, and emotionally removed from themselves and others.

They desire a high level of independence, which often appears as an attempt to avoid attachment altogether. They view themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to the feelings associated with being closely attached to others. They often deny needing close relationships and seek less intimacy. They deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the sources of rejection.

{Marythemom: This explains a lot about why I have serious difficulties in my relationship with my RAD kids who reject me constantly!}

People with a dismissive style of attachment disorder select relationships and lifestyles that prioritize work, achievement, and intellect over intimacy. Relationships with friends, parents, spouse, and children are important to them, but family and friends may complain they don't feel that important to dismissing individuals. This is because dismissing individuals value their individual strengths and abilities to solve problems over emotional connections in relationships. They are often highly successful because they can focus on problem-solving and disregard the emotional aspects of the situation.

On the whole, they seem to be strong, confident, capable people who have very little emotional distress. Negative emotions are considered private and sometimes seen as unimportant, unnecessary, and/or as interfering with the problem-solving process. As a result, these emotions are often pushed aside and the individual is no longer aware of them fully. This creates a dilemma about becoming more connected emotionally to themselves and other people: to do so, they may have to first deal with their own underlying feelings of insecurity, rejection, unworthiness, sadness, and anxiety before they can be available to themselves and others.

I received the diagnosis of Dismissive Attachment Disorder when I was tested during Bear's recent intense neuropsych eval. The diagnosis does not come from dealing with my children's issues (although that has aggravated it); it comes from my childhood. I believe this diagnosis probably describes my father as well, and while my mom is an amazing woman, her bipolar disorder was not diagnosed and treated until I was in high school. There were times when she was dealing with her own mental illness and was not able to be there for her children.

I always knew I had attachment issues. The Dismissive Attachment Disorder diagnosis surprised me though. I just assumed my attachment problem was more about trust issues, particularly with men.

When we were dating, Hubby put up with a lot from me, and just wouldn't go away no matter how hard I tried to push him away. (Turns out he has a combination of Dismissive and Secure Attachment.) I believe his staying with me no matter what helped me heal. I now have Earned Secure Attachment.

One reason I felt comfortable adopting teens, was that I assumed Hubby would be able to hang in there no matter what (like he did with me) and that I would be able to help the kids by emulating what Hubby had done to help me. While I care about my kids, I wasn't able to feel his level of empathy. Hubby is hanging in there with the kids too but I was surprised when he wasn't as devoted to them as he had been with me. (Looking back, it makes sense but at the time, it was not what I'd expected).

On a positive note, my attachment issue actually help me to approach discipline less emotionally. It is easier for me to stay calm. It is NOT helping me deal with Bear's attachment issues, however. Instead, I'm struggling to force myself to continue to try to connect with him. Most of the time, I just want to walk away from him.

In the letter written to me by the person that did Bear's neuropsych eval. She stated I was an excellent case manager for Bear, but I need to work on the emotional connection. We're still filling out a daily questionnaire, and one of the questions is, "How close to Bear did you feel today?" Every single day it feels wrong to answer, "Not at all" so sometimes I answer "Slightly" even though it's rarely true. I can't wait until we're done with this assessment.