The FAIR Club
Marythemom: This is the discipline method we use at our
house. It is a compilation of selections
of everything I’ve ever learned about parenting. It is ever changing to account for the fact
that our children and their needs are ever growing and developing. The premise is that life is not fair, nor do
we want it to be.
The FAIR Club is best used for children who are able to understand abstract concepts emotionally and intellectually. For children under the age of 7 and those emotionally younger (post about determining emotional age), I recommend therapeutic parenting (providing structure and support and setting the child up for success - more like child proofing than consequencing). We discovered that the structure and support of being in the FAIR Club really worked for our children who were physically older, but emotionally under the age of 7 or 8 so they lived in the FAIR Club - we just stopped calling it that. (Post about the Structure and Caring Support we use).
We expect our children to learn
to be Respectful, Responsible, Honest, and Fun To Be Around, Loving and Learning (RRHAFTBALL – pronounced “Raft ball”) in
order to enjoy the rights and responsibilities that go with being part of our
loving family.
We do NOT try to make
everything equal for everyone. We
respect that each of our children has a different personality, is a different
age, and has different wants, needs and abilities. Unlike the FAIR Club, being part of our
family means we sometimes cut the child some slack and sometimes we have higher
expectations for our children. We’re here to help the child live up to being
more than average or equal.
RRHAFTBALL
R – Respectful
– You are expected to be kind, courteous, and helpful in everything you say or
do. Think before you act and remember
words and actions can leave irreparable scars on your relationships.
R – Responsible – You are expected, and fully capable of, meeting your rights and
responsibilities as listed here. You are
also responsible for taking care of yourself, and taking care of the people
around you –especially the people that love you.
H – Honest
– Not only does this mean not lying, but includes being honest and true to
yourself. It also means being open and
honest about your feelings and needs to those who love you and are trying to
help you (like therapists and parents).
AFTBA – Attitude/ Fun To Be
Around – You are expected to be fun to be around all the time. This is not easy
to do, but you are capable of it. This does not mean that you must be happy at all times! It simply means that you are not to "inflict yourself" on others when you are not in a good mood. If you
are not feeling fun to be around, then you need to think about how to fix this
(you can ask for help with this), or how to protect others from your bad mood
or whatever is making you not fun to be around (this might mean staying away
from others while you work this through).
Think about others. How are they
feeling? If they are upset, is it
helping if you are talking about your latest accomplishment? Use a pleasant, calm voice. This does not mean you can’t get excited or
talk about things you are interested in, it just means others have rights too –
do they want to hear the “I hate Barney” song or anything else sung at the top
of your voice while they are stuck sitting next to you in the car?
Added after our children had been with us for awhile:
L – Loving
- Sharing and caring. We watch out for
(actively helping) the emotional and physical well being of all family members
including ourselves. This means having
give and take in our relationships with each other (not expecting others to do
all the work and caring). We work on
issues we might have with being loving.
Isolating yourself is not usually going to help you with this.
L – Learning-
We are always trying to improve ourselves and our lives. We educate ourselves both in school and about
being a better person. We want to be
productive, helpful citizens of the world.
We believe we should be the best person we can possibly be.
The FAIR Club - If a child is not being RRHAFTBALL or is complaining that life is not fair, then they go in the FAIR Club. The FAIR Club is designed to provide boundaries and additional support while the child practices and gains (or regains) the ability to be RRHAFTBALL. This involves removing a lot of the distractions and drains of life (like electronics, phone, friends, even where to sit) and adds ways of dealing with stress (earlier bedtime, spending time with parents who can role model, only going places as a family).
To demonstrate they are ready to get out of the FAIR Club, the child must be RRHAFTBALL and complete their writing assignment and extra chore. Assignments and consequences are based on the child’s developmental age, Logical Consequences and restitution. There is a minimum of 24 hours that a child can be in the FAIR Club, but no maximum.
If a child refuses to do the assignments or be RRHAFTBALL, that is their
choice. They will remain in the FAIR Club until they are ready.
This takes a LOT of pressure off
the parent. Unlike other techniques, you
don’t have to nag the child to do the assignment or let a child who is being
horrid off grounding just because their time is up. They will figure out pretty quickly that
“fair” is not fun!
Ex: My two girls were found playing with Bratz
dolls that had been confiscated and put in my closet. One of them took them out,
but neither ever admitted to it. Both
knew the dolls were confiscated. The 10
year old is is neurotypical and is not adopted.
The 11 year old was recently adopted, has learning disabilities, (at the time undiagnosed) RAD and bipolar disorder, and emotionally/developmentally about 4 years old –
although intellectually she was much closer to grade level.
Writing Assignment- Write down
your version of what happened (do NOT work on this with your sister). Because
you lied, did something you knew was wrong, and gave us attitude (and maybe
stole from us) we no longer feel we can trust you. List 5 things you can do to rebuild trust with
us. How would you feel if we lied, stole, and gave YOU attitude? Why? Why do
you think we don’t do this to you? Write
down at least 5 reasons you think we may not like Bratz dolls.
The very bright 10 year old was
told this should take at least 3 pages. She completed the assignment
independently. The 11 year old needed a
lot of emotional support throughout the process. A parent wrote down her answers to the
questions and she received a lot of assistance coming up with responses.
My 14 yr old teenage son with RAD
who had been caught lying repeatedly and trying to intimidate people into not
holding him accountable:
Extra Chore: You will find a
different person every night to help in some way. Once your writing assignment is complete you
need to use the last question to start trying to rebuild trust.
Writing Assignment: _ Read the
articles about trust and lies. Answer
all the questions that follow.
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