So why do our kids tend to lose it when they become teens?!
Some answers are here: Why Won't My Child Just Behave?!
Go ahead. Go read it. You know you want to. Don't worry, this post will still be here when you're done.
...Welcome Back!
Now, let's talk about
Why Our Kids Tend To Lose It When They Become Teens!
First, here's the craziness a "typical" teen is going through:
Adolescence Developmental StageAdolescence (Twelve to Eighteen Years) Adolescence is a time of diverse, confusing, even frightening changes due to significant physical, emotional, and cognitive growth, new situations, responsibilities, and people. Frequent mood swings, depression, and other psychological disorders are common. Though usually attributed to hormones, your child will react to the challenges and struggles; expect fluctuating or inconsistent behaviors that will even out with time and maturity. During adolescence, expect your teen to experience accelerated periods of growth (while they are eating you out of house and home). Height can increase up to 4 inches and weight 8-10 pounds per year, although for some “late bloomers” a huge increase in height and weight can happen within a year – especially with boys. Adolescence is an important period for cognitive development, marking a transition in ways of thinking and reasoning about problems and ideas. Your teen will gain the ability to solve more abstract and hypothetical problems, but it is also a significant step toward independence and emotional development. Adolescents often rely on their peers, rather than family, for direction and emotional support. ~The Stages of Child Development by
So let's break this down for OUR kids:
Emotional/Social Developmental Delays -
Trauma, attachment, physical and mental health issues, intellectual disabilities... can cause significant delays in development (emotionally, socially, intellectually...). Frequent moves and other traumatic life events can also cause delays or even get them stuck. Most kids with PTSD (and brain damage from RAD) have a tough time with processing, memory, object permanence, emotional regulation...
Our kids might be physically and intellectually on target with their peers but can get stuck at a younger emotional/social developmental stage. This can make dealing with "typical teen" situations even more complex.
Handling Emotional/Developmental Delays
This post talks about what issues/problems emotional/ developmental delays can cause for our kids and a lot of good ideas about how to deal with them. {Lying and Stealing}
Developmentally-Appropriate Parenting
This is where Therapeutic Parenting Based on Age-Appropriate Expectations comes in. Expectations are reduced to the child's emotional age. We need to parent our children based on where the child IS versus where they “should be.” When trying to determine your child’s emotional age, and therefore your expectations, it helps to be aware of the typical development stages (Age 6 to Young Adult Developmental Stages)
Parent your child where they ARE, even if that means treating a teen like a 6-year-old. Or a 6-year-old like a toddler.
Once your child physically becomes an older teen or young adult. This becomes a fine line to walk - think tightrope!
{TIP: Our kids often find normal kid stuff overwhelming - we had to keep our children's rooms stripped to the essentials, avoid overwhelming places like grocery stores and birthday parties, and avoid letting them get tired or hungry... }
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For example, physically Kitty was 16, but when dysregulated, emotionally she'd drop to about 6yo (or lower if she were in true fight/flight/freeze mode). To help her stay regulated with fewer meltdowns, we reduced as many of the overwhelming factors in her life as we could: we stripped her room down as much as possible, kept her daily chores super simple (age-appropriate for a 6-year-old), and basically gave her the life of a 6-year-old but with as many accommodations as possible.
We tried to give her as much of the life of a child her chronological age as she could handle and keep up appearances that she was a typical teen so she wouldn't feel ostracized/different. For instance, when invited to a big birthday party/sleepover that we knew would be too overwhelming for her to handle, we agreed that I would attend (for emotional support if/when she needed it) but I would hang out in the kitchen with the adults and she would not be attending the sleepover part. She got to have cake and open presents and hang out with her friends but when she got freaked out by the girls talking about there being ghosts in the house, she could slip away and check in with me. When she needed to leave, she could just blame having to leave on her mean, overprotective mom, rather than having to admit that she wasn't able to handle it. {Handling Dysregulation and Meltdowns, Explaining Therapeutic Parenting Based on Emotional/ Developmental Age}
Kids with trauma and attachment issues generally operate at a younger emotional/social developmental age.Studies show that around 3 years of age, children start to show genuine empathy, understanding how other people feel even when they don't feel the same way themselves. "Cognitive empathy," or the mental ability to take others' perspective, begins rising steadily in girls at age 13, but boys don't begin until age 15 to show gains in perspective-taking, which helps in problem-solving and avoiding conflict.
Unfortunately, because our children are often emotionally developmrmtally delayed empathy development and perspective-taking can take much longer to develop.
Puberty
Puberty sucks. Those hormones rushing around add a whole new layer of fun. {I personally think pre-pubescent female tweenagers with all those new hormones trapped inside their bodies without a monthly release make this age particularly tough.} Combining hormones with ANY other issue makes things so much more intense.
Puberty sucks. Those hormones rushing around add a whole new layer of fun. {I personally think pre-pubescent female tweenagers with all those new hormones trapped inside their bodies without a monthly release make this age particularly tough.} Combining hormones with ANY other issue makes things so much more intense.
Roughly half of all lifetime mental disorders start by the mid-teens and three-quarters by the mid-20s. Later onsets are mostly secondary conditions. Severe disorders are typically preceded by less severe disorders that are seldom brought to clinical attention.
In other words, many mental illnesses have adolescent onsets. Unfortunately, early trauma can trigger the early onset of mental illnesses (and puberty!) so to make life more "fun," you might have to fight with the medical community to get them to recognize/acknowledge symptoms and provide appropriate treatment/accommodations. For example, many medical professionals do not acknowledge symptoms of bipolar disorder in children and preteens. This means proper diagnosis and treatment cannot start for years.
Based on the "Like Attracts Like" principle, our kids are more likely to have a genetic predisposition to mental illnesses. Studies show that people with a psychiatric diagnosis "connecting" with someone with a psychiatric diagnosis was two to three times higher than for people without a psychiatric diagnosis. They also seemed to be more attracted to people with a similar diagnosis to themselves.
Statistically, children of the mentally ill have a higher chance of becoming mentally ill themselves.
People with severe mental illnesses are more likely to engage in risky behaviors such as unprotected sex and alcohol and drug abuse (Many abuse illegal drugs as a way of self-medicating).
Nature and Nurture;
Severe mental illnesses have a strong genetic factor. Add to that the stress and chaos of being raised by a severely mentally ill parent, or the child being passed around to foster parents or group homes, and it creates the perfect storm for developing any number of mood disorders, behavioral problems, and juvenile delinquency, let alone the increased possibility of the onset of neurological disorders such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.
Severe mental illnesses have a strong genetic factor. Add to that the stress and chaos of being raised by a severely mentally ill parent, or the child being passed around to foster parents or group homes, and it creates the perfect storm for developing any number of mood disorders, behavioral problems, and juvenile delinquency, let alone the increased possibility of the onset of neurological disorders such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.
In addition to alcohol and other substances, while inside the womb, children can be "pickled" in stress hormones. This level of stress, anxiety, and chaos becomes their body's norm. As children, they will seek out, and often create this chaos, that feels normal and comfortable to them.
"Professor Peter Cohen argues that human beings have a deep need to bond and form connections. It's how we get our satisfaction. If we can't connect with each other, we will connect with anything we can find -- the whirr of a roulette wheel or the prick of a syringe. He says we should stop talking about 'addiction' altogether, and instead call it 'bonding.' A heroin addict has bonded with heroin because she couldn't bond as fully with anything else.
So the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is human connection."
Our children are more likely to have an addictive brain, not so much because they were born addicted or witnessed/experienced substance abuse but because they have had disrupted attachments in their life. Bear struggles with addictions in large part because his severe attachment issues have left him unable to make human connections.
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Co-Morbid Diagnoses
Children with trauma issues usually have more going on than just one issue - attachment disorders, physical and sexual abuse, PTSD, RAD bipolar disorder, ADHD, FAS/FAE... caseworkers will not or cannot tell you all of what caused these issues, and often symptoms overlap and appear to be other things. For example, I don't think I've ever heard of a child with RAD that didn't also have PTSD. And in children, the symptoms of PTSD and ADHD are very similar. {Overlapping Diagnoses in Children, Chart for Overlapping Behavior Characteristics.
Children with trauma issues usually have more going on than just one issue - attachment disorders, physical and sexual abuse, PTSD, RAD bipolar disorder, ADHD, FAS/FAE... caseworkers will not or cannot tell you all of what caused these issues, and often symptoms overlap and appear to be other things. For example, I don't think I've ever heard of a child with RAD that didn't also have PTSD. And in children, the symptoms of PTSD and ADHD are very similar. {Overlapping Diagnoses in Children, Chart for Overlapping Behavior Characteristics.
Medications
I won't debate in this post whether or not to give our kids medications {for that you can go here: More On Medications} but one thing to keep in mind is that if your child is starting on or already taking meds then hormones, physical growth, and any adolescent-onset of mental illnesses will play havoc on finding the right combination of medications and dosages.
Triggers -
A lot of the time our kids react in ways that don't make sense because their brains are trying to interpret new things they don't recognize or, as their brains mature, they begin to look at things in a different way, and sometimes old defense mechanisms fight back. {Dysregulation and Meltdowns; Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?; Calming/ Relaxation Techniques}.
One day, my daughter was hungry (growing bodies will do that to you). This likely triggered an old subconscious fear about not having food to eat which led to feelings of anxiety. Her body's response to this anxiety was to become angry. Now she's angry but doesn't make the connection to her hunger, so she looks around, trying to figure out what is making her angry. As a teenager, the list of possible things she could be angry about is endless, so she picked one. That's how my hangry daughter decided that she was angry because I loved her sister more than her.
At age 16, my son was already thinking about having to leave home at age 17 (his friends convinced him he could leave home at 17- and in his mind, that meant he "should" - leave at 17). So he started pushing us away so it wouldn't hurt so much. It also triggered his abandonment issues (his mind said "you should leave," which led to "you have to leave," which led to, "you're losing your home again," which led to, "it must be someone's fault that you have to leave," which led to, "your parents are kicking you out." Obviously, this line of thinking doesn't make sense, but a lot of what they do doesn't make sense!
The "Real World"
There is a LOT of pressure on parents to "lighten up" and give our kids the "freedom" to make mistakes, because "he's going to have to deal with the real world soon."I believe that if we give children privileges and "freedoms" that they're not ready for that we are deliberately putting them in harm's way. I'm not saying keep children on so short a leash that they can't mess up. Just try to keep them on a short enough leash that they can't hang themselves.
Many people look at our children, especially if they are regulated with lots of structure and support, and don't/can't see the brain damage, dysfunction, and emotional immaturity. They don't understand the child's diagnosis or diagnoses, or only recognize a small part of the whole - usually only a part that they're familiar with. [Chores, Responsibilities, and Other Things My Children Can't Handle]
There is a lot of pressure when our kids are teens to believe that since they are practically an adult, then we need to let them discover that they can't act this way in the "real world."
People advocating giving the child the freedom and privileges that their peers have, generally assume that the Natural Consequences of messing up and making poor choices will teach the child to make better choices. They don't understand that our kids often don't/ can't make the connection that their choices have consequences or don't have the self-control needed to keep from making those choices.
More on Developmental Stages-
Yes, some of this really is just "typical teen behavior." My bio kids (Bob and Ponito), went through this stage too - one more obnoxious about it than the other (guess which one!). Figuring out what is "typical teen" behavior and what is not and what to do about it?!
... that's the hard part.
LEGAL ADULTHOOD
What helped ME the most during my kids' teen years:
First of all, You Haven't Failed.
- Prioritize Self-Care! - It sounds crazy but you HAVE to be your first priority. If you read this blog, you'll know I'm going to say it again and again (and again and again...). You can't help anyone if you're emotional reserves are completely drained. {Prioritizing Yourself, Your Marriage, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order
Prioritize yourself first, then your relationship with your significant other (hopefully he/she will be around long after your kids have moved out!), then the needs of the family as a whole, and only then your child - In that order! Giving Until There's Nothing Left (But My Child NEEDS Me!, Getting Respite, Marriage - Keeping it together, Finding the Joy - once I was in a better place emotionally (my bucket was closer to full) then finding joy became my priority. I couldn't have survived without it. } - Continuous Traumatic Stress(CTS) - When Your PTSD is Not Post/Past Yet - Realize your reactions are perfectly normal for someone living in a traumatic, abusive environment. You need to look for and ask for help and support. I took medication to help me through this time and I couldn't have made it through without my "tribe" of people who "get it."
Parent teens where they ARE instead of where they "SHOULD" BE!!
Therapeutic Parenting Based on Age-Appropriate Expectations.
Our kids often find normal kid stuff overwhelming - we had to keep our children's rooms stripped to the essentials, avoid overwhelming places like grocery stores and birthday parties, and avoid letting them get tired or hungry... }
Detachment Parenting - The main premise of detachment parenting is that you become more “detached” from the emotional scenarios that, as a parent, you encounter, and do not allow your kids’ or your own high emotions affect how you parent. Keeping calm, cool, and collected is not easy but it's a great goal. When things go dramatically wrong, as they often do. I try to offer empathy over the situation while keeping the ball in the child's court. I never suggest possible solutions, although I'll brainstorm with him/her if asked."That's tough. How are you going to handle that?"
"Oh man, it’s hard to be disappointed. I know you can get through this"
This gives the child control over what's going on, validates their feelings, and lets the child know that I'm here for them but I'm not going to rescue them (which they'll probably resent me for anyway). It also gives the child a chance to look at the situation with a more problem-solving attitude and finding their own solutions empowers them to handle future problems.- Reading (and Rereading) the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells. It REALLY helped me take a step back, depersonalize their behavior, and set oundaries with my teens.
- Dealing with Rages - Setting boundaries and putting a LOT of structure in place. {Child to Parent Violence, Structure and Caring Support
- Understand Why They Act The Way They Do - It helps me a lot to know that my child’s behavior is not personal or malicious and when I’m empathetic toward my child it’s easier to deal with even their more difficult behaviors. It helped to understand that my aggressive son is a scared little boy acting out of fear. A lot of times with my teenage daughter I repeat my mantra, "She's only 6. She's only 6. She's only 6!" The books, Beyond Consequences, Katharine Leslie's books and seminars, Can This Child Be Saved, The Explosive Child, and Stop Walking on Egg Shells, really helped with this and also had a lot of practical, problem-solving parenting advice..
- Change Expectations. REALLY change them. Quit waiting for _______ to happen before you allow _____________(something fun). Stop expecting them to grow up and change, or even be able to do all but the most basic of tasks. It’s easy to be mad at the child for not acting their age, and “punish” them by not letting them do the fun stuff, but if you’re constantly resentful and holding the child to some, at the moment, unattainable standard then both you and your child will miss out on some great memories and bonding moments. {Age-Appropriate Parenting / Structure and Caring Support / Chores, Responsibilities, and Other Things My Kids Can't Handle}
- Recognize The Child's Perceived Reality is Distorted - For my kids, getting them to acknowledge or accept reality was pretty much impossible. Especially when it comes to biofamily. Trying to make them do so just damaged our relationship. Asking why they did something or giving them logical, rational reasons for their behaviors and feelings doesn't get through to them. Throughout most of her childhood, Kitty would feel depressed and/or angry (usually caused by a chemical imbalance from her bipolar disorder - but could have just as easily been from a hormone surge) and mistakenly believe it to be caused by something currently happening to her. She would look around for a reason for her to feel mad/sad/anxious - usually deciding it was something I, her parent, had done to her or some perceived unfairness. (It didn't help that a lot about Kitty's life was hard and stressful). When things were relatively calm, I would try to help Kitty work through where her feelings of upset, stressed, angry, sad... were coming from.
- Realize that it is usually Fear Causing the Behavior - It's not personal (although it DEFINITELY feels that way). Understanding why they act the way they do (as much as possible) really helped me a lot.
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MORE ON DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES
TWELVE TO FIFTEEN
§ Twelve to Fifteen - Thrives on arguments and discussions. Increasingly able to memorize; to think logically about concepts; to engage in introspection and probing into own thinking; to plan realistically for the future. May read a great deal. Needs to feel important in the world and to believe in something
§Withdraws from parents, who are invariably called "old-fashioned." Boys usually resist any show of affection. Usually feels parents are too restrictive; rebels. Needs less family companionship and interaction. Has less intense friendships with those of the same sex; usually has a whole gang of friends. Girls show more interest in opposite sex than do boys. Annoyed by younger siblings.
§ Social and emotional development- Commonly sulks; directs verbal anger at authority figure. Worries about grades, appearance, and popularity; is withdrawn, introspective. §Knows right and wrong; tries to weigh alternatives and arrive at decisions alone. Is concerned about fair treatment of others; is usually reasonably thoughtful; is unlikely to lie.SIXTEEN TO NINETEEN
§ Sixteen to Nineteen - May lack information or self-assurance about personal skills and abilities. Seriously concerned about the future; beginning to integrate knowledge leading to decisions about future.
§ Social and emotional development- Relationships with parents range from friendly to hostile. Sometimes feels that parents are "too interested." Usually has many friends and few confidants; dates actively; varies greatly in level of maturity; may be uncomfortable, or enjoy activities, with opposite sex; may talk of marriage. May be strongly invested in a single, romantic relationship.
§ Worries about failure. May appear moody, angry, lonely, impulsive, self-centered, confused, and stubborn. Has conflicting feelings about dependence/independence.
§ Is confused and disappointed about discrepancies between stated values and actual behaviors of family and friends; experiences feelings of frustration, anger, sorrow, and isolation.
§ May be interested in sex as a response to physical-emotional urges and as a way to participate in the adult world (but not necessarily an expression of mature intimacy).EARLY ADULTHOOD TRANSITION
§ Seventeen to twenty-two - This transition stage is characterized by an overlap of both the pre-adulthood stage and the early adulthood stage, and typically occurs around age 17-22. At this point, physical growth and development are complete and independence is fairly well established.
§ Social and emotional development- Individualization is becoming more prominent because one is now better suited to make decisions in preparation for their future. An important concept relating to this era is the modification of relationships; by which a person increasingly distances themselves from their family in order to solidify their transition into adulthood. Upon termination of the transition stage, maturity is established and one is fully prepared to enter the adult world.
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