At what point do you let go?

Many of my friends are struggling with children who are chronologically on the cusp of adulthood, but do not have the skills needed to be successful... in fact, most of their children are determinedly on a rapid self-destructive path.

It feels like I'm in the middle of the ocean holding my son, Bear, like a lifeguard would.  We did everything we could to teach my son to "swim," and he just couldn't learn (too much damage/trauma).  For as long as I hold him, he hates me, is actively fighting me, and is convinced he can do it all on his own. His struggles could drown me and almost have.

I know that the minute I let go, he will flounder for a little while, but will eventually sink to the bottom of the ocean.  How can you let go, knowing your child will drown?  At the same time, I know I cannot hold him forever.  At what point do I let go?

A fellow Trauma Mama said it well:

The fact of the matter is this - Bear is going to drown no matter how much you do for him. The only difference is that you are going to drown right along with him if you continue doing the things you're doing. He is very clear that he doesn't want your help. He is even making things worse in his zeal to get you off his back. As long as you are giving help and advice, he is convincing himself that he knows better, is smarter, and can handle it all himself - and hating you for it. What's wrong with letting him know that you are going to step back and let him handle things, but that if he needs your assistance with meds (or whatever you decide the boundaries to be) that you are willing to help in any way you know how - but only if he asks. Maybe after a few months, he will concede that things aren't going as smoothly as he thinks.

His perception of how he's taken care of himself all this time on his own is only a small indicator of his distorted thinking. The one thing I've learned (the hard way over and over) is that their reality doesn't really have to be based on the facts, and when it isn't, there is no reasoning with them. I know it is so painful to watch, but this is real life and unless you have guardianship (and lots of times even when you do), he is legally able to make his own decisions - which he's been doing. YOU are doing all the work on improving his life and he's fighting you every step of the way. 

*************************

After many years of Bear struggling/fighting against my help, a big part of me wanted to just let him go but I felt so guilty about it.  I'd already stepped back a lot. I feel he's in the best place he can be (while incarcerated he's got 3 hots and a cot and can't hurt anyone) considering that he doesn't have the real-life skills and mental/emotional development to do anything else. He's legally an adult.  He chose to move out.  He chose to move back with his biofamily.  He chose to break the law (many laws actually). He's in another state, and he's mostly safe in jail/prison.

Hubby is the one who is making me feel guilty about just totally backing off.  Not directly, but I know Hubby feels that because Bear can't really handle life on his own, we shouldn't allow him to push us away.

Bear's going to self-destruct.  It's inevitable.  We've been delaying the inevitable for years.  So where is the line?  Legally, we have no obligations.  Morally?

************************

Stop Walking on Eggshells

One thing that has really helped me with understanding why my son acts this way, and setting boundaries, was one of my favorite books, Stop Walking on Eggshells. I reread it often. 

This book is for people living with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (which is an "adult" disorder, but there are a LOT of similarities to kids with attachment and trauma issues). Some people say that BPD is what RAD turns into when our kids turn 18 and technically "outgrow" the diagnosis of RAD.

The first half of the book gives insight into WHY people with BPD act the way they do, which helped me with understanding what my kids needed and why, so I could better decide what to do about it. The second half of the book is PRACTICAL ADVICE! Which I found to be really on target.

It's a quick and easy read... except that it's hard to process. Everything hit home so closely, that I found myself reading it in small chunks. (I kept it in my car to read during the kids' doctor appointments, while waiting in line, anytime I had a minute alone.).

This book also made me understand why Self-Care is so important and made me feel less guilty about prioritizing it. 

Other Posts About Parenting Adult Children

You Have Not Failed

I also reread this post, You Have Not Failed, whenever I feel like there was something more I could have done and this was my fault.

Detachment Parenting An Adult Child

Therapeutically Parenting the "Adult" Child

Caregiver Fatigue - 

Handling Continuous Traumatic Stress(CTS) - When Your PTSD is Not Post/Past Yet**

 

Online Support

I belong to several online support groups for parents dealing with adult children with trauma, attachment, FAS, mental illness... Some of these groups help parents cope with their child's special needs and some are more about helping parents heal after the child leaves. If you'd like to be connected to one or more of these groups, please leave me a comment with your email (it will not be published) and get you the information you need.  

For the Adult Child Who is Incapable of Being Independent
We struggled a LOT with how to handle Kitty becoming an "adult." While neither she nor Bear is ready to be independent, fully-functioning adults, the difference is that Kitty's disabilities are severe enough that professionals see the need to allow us to provide the support she needs (rep payee for her SSI finances and possible legal guardianship) and Kitty is able to *mostly* accept that support. 

These posts have more about how we handled getting Kitty the help she needs (which is still a work in progress) -
How To Get Treated Like an Adult.
Parenting the Special Needs Child

Getting SSI For Your Adult Child

Marriage and SSI Benefits

************************

Up-Date on Kitty:

Kitty is in a long-term, committed relationship with a man Hubby and I like. She is happily living with her significant other, 2 dogs (one of which is an emotional support dog), and 3 cats. She and I have a healthy relationship and I love that she lives nearby (but not so close that we are in each other's laps!). I'm still her Rep Payee and provide semi-daily emotional support via phone/text/message. She is unemployed but has mostly accepted that working, even part-time. She continues to work on processing her traumas and her emotional growth. In short, I'm very proud of her and think she's awesome!

Up-Date on Bear:
I decided to back off on the case management/ advocacy stuff. Bear has now been incarcerated for almost 5 years. He got out briefly after 3.5 years in, but committed additional crimes and violated his parole, then got in more trouble while in prison and was moved to a maximum security facility. So he's back in prison for who knows how long.

I finally realized that Bear needs a LOT of Structure, which we cannot legally provide him. The only place for an adult to get the amount of structure he needs to function and feel "Safe," is the military or prison. Bear has never been eligible for the military due to his mental health diagnoses. Therefore, he will be in the biggest mental institution in the country (jail/ prison), off and on (mostly on) for the rest of his life.

Here's what we decided to do:

• We accept his collect calls 2-3 times a month (they're very expensive). Early on, it was weekly, but it's tapered off over the years.
• I will usually reach out to his latest love interest for him, but the majority of the time I warn them that he's a mess, and they need to seriously think about getting involved with him. Most of the time, they're a mess too. {It still amazes me how many relationships, and even engagements, he's had while incarcerated. I do have reason to believe that a few of them are exaggerated in his mind.}
• We send him a small amount of commissary money each month.
• Bear cannot leave the state he's in until he's off parole, so he will most likely never be able to come "home." This helped me feel safe enough to finally heal from the PTSD I struggled with.
• I try to write him letters and send him the pictures he requests every time he moves to a new facility, but I suck at writing letters, so I haven't written him much.
• We are still here for him and care about him, and he knows it. However, we have set boundaries and are sticking to them. 

Up-Up-Date on Bear:

Bear has been incarcerated off and on now for 10 years. I don't think he's been out for more than 6 months at any one time.  I rarely feel guilty anymore about not answering Bear's calls. Even Hubby has accepted that Bear is incapable of attaching to us, or anyone, and only calls when he wants money. Hubby occasionally answers Bear's collect calls from jail/prison but rarely gives him money and usually only small amounts on his birthday and Christmas.