This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Tuesday, October 14, 2025

Fight/ Flight/ Freeze/ Fawn



 



Fight/ Flight/ Freeze/ Fawn - A child who is Dysregulated and/or in fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn mode is “thinking” with the reptilian part of the brain (survival!).  In other words, they are not thinking at all.

Their behavior is a purely instinctual response to what the brain believes is a life or death situation.

The rational part of the brain just isn't online.  Their eyes frequently glaze over, they are out of control, and it is like the child isn't "home."  Afterward, they do not remember what happened just before or during an episode.  Holding a child responsible for what happens when in a true fight/ flight/ freeze is pointless- it’s better to just move on after it's over and try to figure out what triggered it so you can avoid it in the future.


If your Neurodivergent Child is having a meltdown....
it's important to recognize that 
THIS IS NOT A TEACHING MOMENT.
______________________________
Why do I say that? 
Because during a meltdown, there are physiological changes occurring inside your child that make it IMPOSSIBLE for them to process relevant information and apply it to the situation. 
______________________________
What changes?
Cortisol levels are spiking, leading to faster breathing and a racing heart, 
     making them feel 
    sweaty and nauseous. 
Cortisol flooding makes your child intensely SENSITIVE to sensory stimuli, 
    which increases the chances 
      of SENSORY OVERLOAD. 
___________________
This also amplifies anxiety and fear responses in the brain....
AND causes mental fog
(which makes it difficult to think clearly and almost impossible to remember things).
____________
In addition, your child's pre-frontal cortex (which processes information and retains it for learning) goes OFFLINE... 
    leaving information to be processed by the Amygdala and Limbic system.
Those parts of the brain deal with:
Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn responses....
     And emotions like 
         Rage, 
          Fear, 
       and Aggression.
So THAT, is what your child has left, to work with.
_____________________________
In cases like that, it's NORMAL for a child experiencing a meltdown,
     to exhibit
  "PROBLEMATIC" behaviors,
like yelling, kicking, 
    hissing, biting, 
    growling, hitting, 
insulting and swearing at others,
throwing or destroying things, 
refusing to leave their current location, 
refusing to accept help,
running towards a location that feels safer,
and acting like
  THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND
        OR EVEN TRUST 
           FAMILIAR CAREGIVERS. 
It's normal because their "Thinking Brain" is OFFLINE, and their "Survival Brain" is running the show.
___________________________
So WHAT CAN YOU DO when they are having a meltdown?
      1) STAY SAFE
Use your body to BLOCK them from SEEING people and things they might lash out at.
Hold a cushion, purse, or book in front of your body to shield yourself. 
Direct or lead your child to an area with fewer items they can hurt themselves/others with.... or remove heavy/sharp items which could be thrown.
_________________________
          2) STAY CALM
Fake it, if you need to... 
But keep
       a level voice, 
    NEUTRAL facial expression,
    calm/receptive body language.
Listen... 
    repeat their words back to them, occasionally. ("Yes. The loud noise scared you." and "It felt unfair.")
 But mostly just LISTEN and be a SOOTHING presence.
DON'T cross your arms, 
       furrow your brow,
        glare, 
      scowl,
   or tighten your fists.
Just let your child's meltdown HAPPEN and don't try to fight against it. 
It's as natural as a baby crying when they don't yet have the skils to communicate.
Recognize that it's TEMPORARY and will PASS quicker if you show them what CALM LOOKS LIKE.
__________________________
  3) DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY
They are quite literally, "not in their right mind." 
Try to ignore insults and verbal attacks.
Punishing these is like punishing an injured kitten from clawing someone who tries to pick it up--
   punishing biological instincts will just further dysregulate a panicked child....
    and will do nothing to heal the hurt that is making them to lash out, in the first place!
Don't punish now. 
Don't punish later.
Meltdowns are biological responses to trauma and pain.
Meltdowns NOT moral failings.
______________________________
      And when it's over
  4) PICK UP AND MOVE ON 
When the meltdown is over and cortisol DROPS,   
         breathing slows,
the heart returns to a steady beat.
      and muscles relax, 
  WHICH IS GOOD.
But your child may feel like they just finished a marathon. 
They will be looking to you, to CO-REGULATE with them, 
   showing them how to 
   CALMLY MOVE FORWARD.
Moving forward might look like this:
Child:
    I hated how that felt and I was mad at him so I yelled. And now I am thirsty....
      and I think that we should have juice next time when I get thirsty.
Parent:
      I like the idea of bringing juice boxes with us. There is a juice box in the car. Should we go get it, together?
Child:
     Yeah and I wanna take off my shoes.
Parent:
    Okay. We will go to the car, get juice, and take off your shoes. Let's go.
Child:
     Yeah. My feet hurt. 
Parent:
     We can try to fix that problem, together. Let's get to the car and have our juice. Okay?
Child:
    Okay.
_____________________________
      OPTIONAL STEP
  5) PRACTICING FOR NEXT TIME
If you think your child is likely to encounter a very similar situation in the future, then later that night or the NEXT day....
  You can talk calmly through some coping strategies, and practice them. 
It's important to AVOID SHAMING your child.
And its REALLY important to practice when they are calm and feel SAFE.
Keep it simple.
              For instance:
Mom:
    Since the music was so loud at the baseball stadium, I think we should bring along headphones, next time.
Eleanor:
       Okay.
Mom:
      Let's make a sensory kit, together. We can pack up headphones, fidget toys, an aromatherapy locket, a juice box, and one of your beanbag animals. Which animal would you like to pack into the bag?
Eleanor:
    I like the hedgehog. He feels heavy and I like to carry him around when I get nervous.
Mom:
    Excellent idea. So hedgehog will be in our sensory bag and we can practice using the sensory bag when we go to the grocery store, later today.
Eleanor:
     Can I bring my enormous blue marble, too? I like to roll it across my forehead.
Mom:
    Of course. Anything else?
Eleanor:
    My dark sunglasses. 
Mom:
     Perfect choice. Thanks kiddo.
Eleanor:
    You're welcome.
Mom:
   We'll just keep working together. I love you, just the way you are.
Eleanor:
    Love you. Sorry I was grumpy, yesterday.
Mom:
    Everyone gets grumpy sometimes. But we keep moving forward. 
________________________
Which is these steps is hardest for you?
Learning to actually STAY CALM was very hard for me, but now I'm a pro!

Hypervigilance/ Living in a Warzone
Kids of trauma are often easily triggered, extremely sensitive to emotions, unable to regulate their emotions... causing them to react as if they are in a warzone.  You can't learn and attach if you don't feel safe and you're living in a war zone!  Hypervigilance (obsessively monitoring their environment) is super common among kids with PTSD.  It relaxes when they start to feel safe, but probably doesn’t ever really go away.

How we handled it: 
Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?
Meltdowns
A “Meltdown” is different from being in Fight mode (which usually looks more like a Rage).  During a meltdown, the child has some control over how far things go. It is still possible to "reach" the child and de-escalate the situation and calm him/her down.

Our bodies' nervous system is very basic - it doesn't know the difference between say, excitement and anxiety. Medications, calming techniques, and maturity can help the body stay calm and keep from sending "AiieeeAiieeeAiiee!!" signals to the brain stem. Bear tends to go into "Fight mode" when he's upset, worried, anxious, afraid...  Whereas Kitty tends toward "flight" or "freeze" and she dissociates (distracts herself).

Polyvagal Chart - Adapted by Ruby Jo Walker, LCSW from Cheryl Sanders, Anthony "Twig" Wheeler, and Steven Porges.
http://www.rubyjowalker.com/PVchart6HD.jpg

It is important to remember that a child in a fight/ flight/ or freeze state is not thinking at all. They have dropped into their instinctual/ reptilian brain. I find that you must find ways to get them out of this part of the brain, before any consequences can even be discussed. Nothing is getting through in f/f/f (threats or consequences will have no effect). In fact, most kids won't remember what happened at all.

The Addictive Brain
So my son remains "addicted." (The Addictive Brain) In part because his attachment issues - the (in)ability to make human connections - haven't really healed, but also because his Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder means he is stuck living in a "war zone" 24/7. He carries his old "cage" with him wherever he goes.

Imagine you are in the middle of a war zone with people running and screaming, soldiers chasing you, bullets flying, bombs going off... Are you going to be able to sit down and study your math homework? NO, of course not. You are totally focused on survival.

 Medications
So do kids with RAD and PTSD need meds even though meds cannot cure/fix them? I believe so. Otherwise, you are asking them to try to focus on healing/therapy while still having to deal with the war zone.

On the other hand, you can't just treat with meds. Medications can help control the symptoms, but it takes a lot of work to retrain your brain to function in a new way. This is where Therapy and Therapeutic Parenting come in. To help our kids you must have both.

I adore this pdf!!
Resource for helping teachers and children to understand what the effects of trauma look and feel like, and how to help. 🙌❤️

 Download these FREE handouts for your child or young person’s teacher or trusted adult at school/college to help them understand what survival states look like in the school/college environment and what they can do to help ground them and subsequently improve their learning.

Fight or flight response is a biochemical reaction in both humans and non-human animals that enables them to rapidly produce sufficient energy to flee or fight in a threatening situation. Originally discovered by Walter Cannon. 
When presented with an immediate stressor, the body releases adrenaline, noradrenaline, and cortisol. The heart rate elevates and blood is directed away from the organs and toward the arms and legs to enable fighting or fleeing. Less energy is expended on functions such as thought and immunity because all of the body’s capabilities are mobilized to respond to stress.

Window of tolerance is a term used to describe the zone of arousal in which a person is able to function most effectively. When people are within this zone, they are typically able to readily receive, process, and integrate information and otherwise respond to the demands of everyday life without much difficulty. This optimal window was first named as such by Dan Siegel.

What Is the Window of Tolerance?

When a person is within their window of tolerance, it is generally the case that the brain is functioning well and can effectively process stimuli. That person is likely to be able to reflect, think rationally, and make decisions calmly without feeling either overwhelmed or withdrawn.
During times of extreme stress, people often experience periods of either hyper- or hypo-arousal.
  • Hyper-arousal, otherwise known as the fight/flight response, is often characterized by hypervigilance, feelings of anxiety and/or panic, and racing thoughts.
  • Hypo-arousal, or a freeze response, may cause feelings of emotional numbness, emptiness, or paralysis.
In either of these states, an individual may become unable to process stimuli effectively. The prefrontal cortex region of the brain shuts down, in a manner of speaking, affecting the ability to think rationally and often leading to the development of feelings of dysregulation, which may take the form of chaotic responses or overly rigid ones. In these periods, a person can be said to be outside the window of tolerance.

Each individual’s window of tolerance is different. Those who have a narrow window of tolerance may often feel as if their emotions are intense and difficult to manage. Others with a wider window of tolerance may be able to handle intense emotions or situations without feeling like their ability to function has been significantly impacted.
The window of tolerance can also be affected by environment: people are generally more able to remain within the window when they feel safe and supported.
Most people move between these varying states of arousal from time to time. Trauma and/or extreme stress often make it more likely a person will become either hyper- or hypo-aroused.

The Window of Tolerance in Relation to Mental Health

The stress of a traumatic or otherwise negative event may have the effect of “pushing” a person out of their window of tolerance. People who have experienced a traumatic event may respond to stressors, even minor ones, with extreme hyper- or hypo-arousal. As a result of their experiences, they may come to believe the world is unsafe and may operate with a window of tolerance that has become more narrow or inflexible as a result. A narrowed window of tolerance may cause people to perceive danger more readily and react to real and imagined threats with either a fight/flight response or a freeze response.
People who frequently operate outside of their window of tolerance may experience mental health issues, such as depression and anxiety.
A person who is often in a state of hyper-arousal may develop symptoms of posttraumatic stress, such as flashbacks, nightmares, and derealization. A person who is often in a state of hypo-arousal may dissociate, have memory issues, and experience feelings of depersonalization.

Managing the Window of Tolerance

It is possible for individuals who have become dysregulated to use techniques to return to their window of tolerance. Grounding and mindfulness skills, techniques considered beneficial by many mental health experts, can often help people remain in the present moment. By focusing on the physical sensations currently being experienced, for example, people are often able to remain in the present, calming and soothing themselves enough to effectively manage extreme arousal. These techniques, and others, can be learned in therapy.
Many individuals are able to widen their window of tolerance and, by doing so, increase their sense of calm and become able to deal with stress in more adaptive ways. Therapy, which provides a safe space for people to process painful memories and emotions, can be a helpful step for many. With the help of a mental health professional, individuals are often able to make contact with their emotions without becoming so dysregulated that they cannot integrate them. Increasing emotional regulation capabilities in this way can lead to a wider window of tolerance and prevent dysregulation.
Some things to do during a F/F/F meltdown or rage:
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