Nonsense Questions and Chatter

 

Nonsense Chatter

I really can’t stop talking cos you might forget I’m here

It keeps your focus on me as I bend your weary ear

Lots and lots of nonsense questions

I just switch off from your objections

 

What’s the purple ist purple that you have ever seen

What are we having for dinner and why is the grass green

I’m scared I’ll be invisible if I cease to babble on

I need to keep your interest to feel like I belong

 

I cannot sit here quietly cos of wobbles in my belly

So I make lots of noise and I interrupt the telly

What if you don’t feed me or make me go away

You’ll always know I’m here if I’ve got lots to say

 

It’s all about survival and making sure you’re near

The nonsense in my questions stem from all my fear

I know this drives you crazy and can make you feel insane

It all comes from my trauma and underdeveloped brain

 

I need your reassurance that you’ve not forgotten me

Let me know you’ll listen when you’ve finished cooking tea

Try to be more playful and say your ears are full

But they’ll be far more empty when I get home from school

 

If my questions are ridiculous, relay them back to me

It’ll interrupt my trauma and might be quite funny

Gently touch my shoulder and remind me that you’re there

Let me know you understand the need behind my fear

 

And lastly but not least, please do not forget

Developmentally I’m younger and my brain’s not caught up yet!

 

Sarah Dillon - National Association of Therapeutic Parents

 

Attention Seeking? 

At first, my daughter's nonsense questions and babbling about TV shows or the latest drama at school (things and people I know nothing and care nothing about), felt like she was trying to keep all the focus on her and/or to drive me crazy. I found myself starting to avoid her. Then I noticed a pattern. When she was feeling anxious and overwhelmed, she started doing what my mom called "pressured speech." 

When I realized this behavior was caused by my daughter's anxiety, it made it easier to provide Calming Techniques and fight to make her world smaller and less overwhelming (by providing Structure and Caring Support). I also look at what may be causing this anxiety and stress Chores, Responsibilities, and Other Things My Kids Can't Handle. 

Persistent Nonsense Questions & Chatter

It generally starts with nonsense chatter. "Look at that car. I have a green shirt. I'm taller than this kid in my class. His name is Eric or Tom or something. I'm going to play outside when I get home. I don't like green beans."

This is all said very quickly and with no space or thought in between.

If I ignore it, then they move into the questions. "What color do you think that is? What are we having for supper? Why was Hitler mean? What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?"

Also said quickly with no thought in between.

There are several reasons for this kind of talking.

Control - If they dominate and control the conversation it makes them feel in charge. {If You Find Out I’m Not Perfect, You’ll Leave}

Anxiety - The hyper vigilance causes them to be nervous and this produces nonstop talking. We've all had this feeling now and then. Just not every day. Several times a day.

Lack of Empathy - Then you throw in the lack of empathy or caring about another's feelings, and you have this self-centered, self-absorbed thought process.*

*Note: Kids with trauma and attachment issues generally operate at a younger emotional/social developmental age. Studies show that around 3 years of age, children start to show genuine empathy, understanding how other people feel even when they don't feel the same way themselves. "Cognitive empathy," or the mental ability to take others' perspective, begins rising steadily in girls at age 13, but boys don't begin until age 15 to show gains in perspective-taking, which helps in problem-solving and avoiding conflict. {TherapeuticParenting Based on Emotional/Social Developmental Age}

 

Ways to Handle Nonsense Chatter and Questions:

Nonsense Chatter Yourself: Sometimes, I start doing it back. "Hey! Did you know I have absolutely nothing to say but I am so nervous and anxious I just can't stop talking. So, I go on and on and on forever and ever. I might not ever stop." Said exactly the way they do it. They usually start laughing and run away. I follow and then we are all laughing.

Reminding: I have explained to them what nonsense chatter is and why they do it. Sometimes I just say, "Nonsense Chatter." And they know and stop.

Limits For Nonsense Questions: I have limited them to 8 questions a day. They start off blowing the whole 8 in the first 5 minutes of the day.

After they’ve reached their limit, the answer to every question is the opposite of whatever they want it to be. It doesn't take long before they say "Wait. I am not wasting a question on that." So, when they say "What color is that car?" I say " I think it is a shade of green. That is 1 question." "What are we having for supper?" "Spaghetti. That is 2 questions." And so on.

[Limits for Nonsense questions and chatter. A fellow trauma mama gave her child a certain amount of time each day (about 5 minutes) to chatter and speak nonsense. When the child wandered up to the mama and started talking, the mama would say something like, "I really want to hear what you have to say, but I can't give you my full attention right now. I will have time to listen to every important thing you want to tell me." Every time the child came up to her, the mom would say, "I can't wait to hear all about that when we get together later." 

Then when she had a few minutes, especially if the child was busy, then she would seek out the child and plop down and say, "You have my full attention. Tell me what you wanted to say to me this morning (or whatever inconvenient time the child had chosen." Then my friend would give the child her undivided attention, for about 5 minutes.] 

Absurd Answers: Another way to handle it is to give an absurd answer especially if it is an absurd question. They may see dad walk by and go into the basement and then say, "Is dad at work?" So, I reply, "Yes". They laugh and say "No he went into the basement. " "Oh". This is one of those behaviors that you really can turn into laughter if you lighten up and don't take it too seriously. Have fun with it.

Another Resource: Why Won't My Child Just Behave?!

We all love having at least one person who really gets us. Who sits and listens. Be that person for your child... It is so hard raising our kids. heartbreaking, exhausting....there is hope.