Too long in the Car

I visited Kitty in the RTF yesterday. On the way there (it's a 3 hour drive each way), Hubby and I had a long conversation about the kids and our marriage – very draining.

Once at the Center, we had an IEP meeting (I was late for) at 11am, then we were supposed to have family therapy at noon, but the IEP meeting ran late (since we started late and because IEP meetings for Kitty are never simple).

We did manage to squeeze in family therapy from 1-2pm and Kitty was NOT happy (which might be a good thing cause it means we’re getting under her armor).

She started by reading an essay that apparently is a requirement for moving up to the next level. She spoke eloquently and it was well written. It nearly broke my heart. She basically talked about feeling that it was her fault she'd been dumped in foster care. That she used to cry for her sisters every night (who remain with birthmom). That she worries about her sisters still in the abusive home and that they don't remember her (it's been 5 years since she's seen them and she probably won't see them again for a long time).

The hardest part was that she spoke about the pain and not seeing any point in living. She was shut down for most of the rest of therapy.

Afterward we had visitation and she was ANGRY with me for bringing her there and for letting the therapist take away her books (which she’s been using to escape/ dissociate), but didn’t want me to leave early. I hope this treatment helps and we don’t end up worse off than we were before!

On the way home there was a horrible accident about ½ way home in the middle of nowhere. I ended up sitting with a ton of other cars for over an hour. It would move a little every now and then, but that could have been cars giving up and turning around. I kept thinking it would clear up soon and there were no crossroads for miles and I had no idea how to navigate them or even if they would take me far enough past whatever was happening on the other side of the “hill.” Don’t know what all happened, but saw a helicopter leave about 10 minutes after I got there, and a lot of fire trucks. When I finally drove past there was a semi burned to the ground (nothing left but the under carriage and a small part of the back of the trailer).

Of course I’d had to pee, before I got stuck and there was nowhere to “go.” Luckily I made it to dinner with the family without embarrassing myself! Still tired and stressed.

Cat vs Bear

Kitty (diagnosed with RAD, bipolar, processing issues, C-PTSD, and pretty much emotionally over reactive...), after months of being extremely tough to live with and meltdowns, is currently in an RTF to work on her severe trauma issues. Bear, her bio 1/2 brother (18), has similar diagnoses, but instead of being emotional, he tends toward intimidation and verbal aggression. In the past he was physically violent, but is now better medicated.

He is severely traumatized too, and his issues with women and relationships are significant. He's spent the last several months antagonizing Kitty or avoiding her (so he doesn't have to deal with her emotional reactions), not so much maliciously as much as just he doesn't see why he should treat anyone any differently (they should understand it's just the way he is).

When they were little (before they came to live with us) they were abusive to each other (and while only a year older, he has always been significantly bigger). I know she perceives him as one of her abusers, and the rest of us still have PTSD from his violent outbursts when he first came to live with us.

Now he's asked to visit her (not sure why), but I had to tell him she doesn't want to see him, because of his most recent behavior:

• He threatened to strangle her when they were alone in a parking lot after an adoption support meeting - we were still talking to other parents so not right there




• He and Bob have been semi-blatant about not wanting to hang out with her due to her emotional reactivity. They've excluded her and Bear has tried to pal around with Bob more (although she's not that thrilled with him either and has taken to isolating in her room)




• While riding home on the bus, he turned to the girl sitting next to Kitty and started telling her she shouldn't hang out with Kitty.




• He yelled at her in front of the entire bus when she accidentally wrote on his hat (she was handing a pencil to someone else and Bear brushed her hand out of his personal space).




• ...

Bear's reaction to the news was that he's not going to deal with her ever again. Gotta love their Black and White thinking.

When I pointed out the impracticality of this, as well as the fact that he needs to be working on relationships with his family so he'll be able to have healthy relationships with other women in the future... he continued to state that he's going to ignore her until he moves out at graduation.

Problem is that's not realistic. For one thing that's months away, for another there's a pretty good chance he's not going to be able to move out when he graduates (no job, nowhere to go) and he NEEDS to work on his relationship issues (with all women not just her).

He insists that he's NOT going to work on his relationship issues with her, or me. I've been trying to figure out how to increase the "pain" enough to make him want to work on it. He's been ignoring the issue for years, and just stating that others are going to have to deal with it.

He's been having issues with his latest Kleenex girlfriend (Bailee, the "back-up girl: from our long text conversation a couple of weeks ago). He was invited to go dinner with the girl and her mom. He didn't ask us. He hasn't done chores in weeks. He's been refusing to do any relationship work in therapy... and Hubby basically said "No" when Bear mentioned it.

Next day on the way to his psychiatrist, Bear brought it up again. He started talking about feeling uncomfortable with letting the girl and her mom pay for him. We talked about this for a few minutes and needing to work on his relationship skills with family, and then I mentioned that his point was moot, because Hubby had told me he'd said, "No" to the trip. Bear tried to argue with me, but I just said that was my understanding, and refused to engage.

He pouted. We got to the psychiatrist's office and he refused to talk to anyone. Luckily he was semi-compliant and sat in the offices, and even signed some paperwork he needed to sign (for SSI when he turns 19).

That evening when he got home from school he sat down next to me on the couch and leaned in. I can count on one hand the number of times he's done that (if you don't count the inappropriately sexual hugs and cuddles when he first got here). He didn't say anything for awhile, he just sat there and watched TV. Then he asked me to give him a haircut. (Well, it's better than walking up to me and demanding I do it when I'm in the middle of doing something else or taking time to myself).

So what do I do with two seriously emotionally disturbed kids who have major relationship issues that seem mutually exclusive? I worry that Kitty can't heal with Bear intimidating and picking on her. I worry that Bear will continue to refuse to heal and we will have to continue living with him.

Videos of Cat vs Bear for your entertainment! One Two

Visiting Kitty

At our last family therapy session we talked mostly about some drama that Kitty had started. Apparently her roommate had been talking about another girl behind her back. Kitty felt the other girl deserved to know what was going on. The roommate felt betrayed of course. Kitty seemed fairly clueless as to why this hadn’t been the best choice, but was trying to follow the Center's rules about accepting blame. Friday was the roommate’s last day so hopefully the Wiccan stuff will go with her.

The hair flipping/twisty thing was gone (She’d started a weird hair tugging/twirling/flip thing with the bangs right in front of her face – it was VERY distracting and annoying, but we'd made big efforts to ignore it.), and she seemed a lot calmer (and a little more distant).

When I went back to visit her this last weekend, it was as though I were a distant relative. She was nice and polite. Gave me a hug, but spent most of our visiting time talking about TV shows and movies (most of which are ones she’s not allowed to watch at home), when I tried to redirect her, she would comply and then the next thing I knew she’d be back to talking about TV.

In a couple of weeks we’ve talked about having Bear be part of the session. I don’t think Kitty is anywhere ready for it, and although we’ve been working with Bear about being kinder, gentler and less intimidating/threatening around Kitty he’s definitely not on board with it.

He’d asked to go last week and I told him Kitty doesn’t want to be around him (since she feels he threatened her life twice). So now he’s rejecting her since she rejected him. *sigh* I think we shouldn’t do it, but I’m worried that she’ll be coming home soon, and have to deal with him (his theory is he’ll just avoid her completely until he graduates and leaves, but I’m not so sure he’s going to have anywhere to go so will be around a lot longer).

Courageous Movie Review

We watched Courageous this weekend (by the same people that made Fireproof and Facing the Giants). It was EXCELLENT.

I LOL (and I don't mean that thing we write when something was kind of funny - I mean I literally laughed out loud until I cried) and COL (cried out loud, tears streamed). Even Hubby and my 18yo son, Bear, "teared up." The only one not as effected was my teenage daughter, Bob (although she laughed just as hard as the rest of us). It's not really written for teenage girls.

It's like Fireproof is to improve marriage, but for Dads to improve as parents.

One of the most powerful quotes to me was, "I don't want to be a 'good-enough' father." (After his friend asked him why he wanted to change his relationship with his children, and called him a "good enough father."

It could be a tough movie for kids of trauma. How they handle it would depend on their age, maturity and of course issues.

Clearplay wouldn't be necessary for most of the movie. Although most of the main characters are police officers so there are some intense scenes involving violence, drug dealers, shoot outs, and chase scenes... but no one is ever seriously injured.

There's quite a bit of gang related stuff, including a "beating in initiation," although most of it isn't visible.

Of course there are quite a bit of issues with fathers, but it's handled pretty positively. There's a report quoted often in the movie that people who grow up without fathers tend to end up in jail or dead. My main concern was that if Hubby didn't "step up to the plate" then Bear would be resentful, but Bear thinks Hubby does an

Spoiler:

The main characters lose their 9yr old daughter to a drunk driver (while she's at a birthday party). They don't show any of it. There is a funeral though.

I highly recommend the movie, but definitely have a box of tissues. I hope it has a lasting effect on Hubby's relationship with the kids. I plan to buy it.

I text now!

With my old phone, I would occasionally text when forced to, but it was a pain. I had to push the number 3 three times to get the letter F... you know, it took forever. Still I'd discovered it was fun to torture my "captive audience," by sending them love texts - telling them how much I love them. As teens (and a tween) they ignore me of course.

For Christmas I got a new phone with a little keyboard. I've probably "spoken" to Bear more now than I have in the 6 years I've known him! lol

Hubby and I were on our way back from visiting Kitty in Metro City (a 3 hour drive):

12/30/11 4:55 pm Hy mom this is Bear how's Metro and will u be back for dinner
:) love Bear <3

4:47 Metro n Kitty were ok. See you in about an hour or so.

5:04 (text from Bear's ipod app he uses for texting) Hi mom its me Bob are you gonna be in town for dinner
:) love Bear <3

5:07 I just told Bear n Poppy that we'll be there not 2 long after 6 pm depends on traffic.

5:08 Alright well I'm not with poppy and Bear didn't tell me that
:) love Bear <3

5:09 Ok. Love you Sugar plum!

5:13 She's sick now
:) love Bear <3

5:14 Who?
I <3 Hubby

5:16 Bob she's gagging so hard she fell over
:) love Bear <3

5:22 Just because I called her Sugarplum? You wouldn't gag if I told you how great u r (awesomely wonderful) or how much I love u (bunches!), would you, Sugar Britches?!
I <3 Hubby!

{Sent to all 3 kids} 5:32 Aren't y'all glad I text now my little Honey bunnies?
Love, Mom
I <3 Hubby

No response from any of 'em.

***********************************************
Bear sent this text in the middle of the night. I didn't see it until the next morning.

1/6/12 11:23pm Hy mom this is Bear I'm having problems breathing and snacking and having chest pains like crazy

On the way to drop him off at Grandma and Poppy's so Hubby and I could drive to Metro City to visit Kitty, we talked to Bear about how he was feeling (and reprimanded him for not letting us know sooner). He said his chest pains were better, although his arm hurt a little too. I thought it might be heart burn, or more likely it was the usual psychosomatic issues. I asked him to talk to Poppy (who used to work in the ER) to let him know what was going on and to let us know if it got any worse, but that I wasn't too worried about it.

Within the hour I got a text from Ponito that Poppy was taking Bear to the hospital. I immediately called and told him that wasn't necessary (and that I had Bear's insurance card anyway).

*******************************************

Less than a hour later, Bear sent Hubby a text asking if he could go to the movies with a group of friends. Hubby and I immediately started laughing. So much for being about to die. He'd been laying around on his tookus for weeks and now he wants to get to go somewhere unsupervised with a bunch of teens with nothing to do. Don't know why he can't get that he has to build trust first.

1/7 9:46am It's up 2 Grandma. She's got a lot going on 2 day, and she really needs help with the stones.

{Grandma needs some landscaping blocks laid. Ponito, only 12, has been working for days helping her. Bear has been sitting around on his tookus. Plus he had some kind of training he was supposed to go to after therapy, so wasn't going to be able to spend the night - and Hubby and I were going to have to give up our evening alone. He'd taken on a job (scam) selling knives and apparently they'd strongly suggested he get some extra training. He was fired less than a week later.}

10:38am Mom I don't have to go {to the training} tomaroow he said
I don't have to

10:41 Ok, why don't u swing by the house after therapy n pick up ur
stuff n meds.

10:45 Garandmias kinda pissing me off to

10:46 Sounds like something else to talk about in therapy.
Anything I can help with?\

11:45 Ok

1:23pm Mon I got a ride to the mall can I go if I get a ride back {friend's parent} said
he want to go c the movie to

2:48pm 4 a kid who almost went to the ER this am that's not a good choice.

3:57 Can u have Gma call me please?

{Grandma told me he had been a jerk all morning and hadn't helped at all beyond one tiny bit of help unloading one of the many loads of stones, that they'd not given him a choice about)

4:23 So I'm fine mom and it ws from stress {his therapist that he apparently called} said but I really wanna go

4:26 What did u do to help out today?

4:27 I helped move rock out of the car

4:27 After the walk then I put them in place

4:28 Today?

4:28 Yes today

4:30 Can I please

4:31 Where r u getting the $? U owe a lot.

4:32 My friend said he was pay for my christmas gift

4:34 And I get payed monday and I'll do work for gradmia tomaroow for money

4:36 All the $ u r getting paid is spoken 4.
I guess have {parent of a friend} call Dad n confirm.

{He knows one criteria for going is an adult must be present}

4:37 Ok

{Bear calls us and lets us know that the plans with the adult have fallen through. We are not shocked. In fact we'd suspected that the parent never even knew he was involved, and Bear had been hoping we'd not check}

4:48 If gramdmia takes me can I

4:49 Or poppy

4:57 I'll ask them
to

4:58 Ask who to what?

4:59 You still have no way home

5:03 It cool hay I don't want to hang out with them bailee's up and talking to me but she want to know if me and her and some friend can hang out MLK day

{Hubby and I are laughing. Gotta love sour grapes.}

5:04 At our house?

5:05 At {the mall in the city) or some thing ike that I don't want to it's to far her friend want to go there

5:09 What a weird coincidence that her friend wants 2 hangout at the {Big city mall} 2?!

5:12 Her friends and I'm trying to get Jammie and some of mine to go so we can all hang out!! And be teenagers and hang out and have fun and act like we all have lifes.!!

5:13 But me and Jammie really don't

5:15 The person whose life u r living wants it
back.

5:16 Since u r not using it

5:17 Lol really funny I'm trying to use it I just don't know how and I want to spend
that day with her

5:18 Or at lest a few hours

5:19 It's over a week away.

5:21 I know but I want make plans

5:23 After all right now she is only ur backup. In another week u could have made up w/ {really recent ex} or found a new love (and new backup girl)

{This was kind of mean, but only a couple of days before, he was devastated about recent ex dumping him. We suspected it was more about the fact that he'd had an argument with his "back-up girl," Bailee, that same day}

5:24 What makes u think I don't like bailee

5:28 I didn't say u don't like Baillee. I just called her ur backup plan. Have u noticed u usually have one? I think it says something about the depth of relationship u r ready 4.

5:30 Mom I'm sorry u fell that way but I want to be with her and she likes me and I like her

5:35 What about {recent ex girlfriend}? I'm just saying u got over her really fast. And u were engaged not 2 long ago {to a totally different girl}. I'm not sayin u don't like Bailee. I'm just suggesting u try 2 take things slower. Get 2 know a girl b4 you get emotionally committed.

{He hadn't bothered to tell us about the engagement. We'd found out from Kitty after it was all over. He lied to us in therapy about the circumstances even after he knew we'd found out - to make it seem like he hadn't told us to keep us from "getting mad at him." His therapist thinks this is a "good sign," because he knew we wouldn't approve of an engagement at this point in his life, which means that HE knew it wasn't a good point in his life to be engaged.}

5:44 That's y I want to hang out with her duff that's how u get to know people

5:46 True. Just want u 2 notice ur patterns.

5:51 I know I'm done making that mistak I want to get to know her and take things from there if things work out

5:55 I don't know wat 2 say. I hope u CAN follow through. We'll be there 2 help.

5:56 Ok I think I may take u up on that

5:58 U do realize that means u r going 2 have to talk 2 me at some point, right?

6:00 About wat

6:00 Anything!
6:01 Everything
6:02 SOMEthing!

6:03 Ok will do

Interior Design Question

In order to move Ponito upstairs to his own room (and get him out of my sewing room), we have to convert the playroom to a bedroom. To do this we'll need to add a door to the opening in this room. I looked, but I don't have any pictures of this particular wall. Although I have one that shows a tiny portion (you can see the angled wall that's causing me trouble on the left.

For those who can read blueprints, the room that's causing me grief is labeled Family (the computer program I used had a limited number of label choices). It's in the lower left corner.



There's a light dotted line that makes this room look rectangular, but that's just a flaw in the software. In reality it's one big opening. One side of the opening is the wall that ends at the corner of the bathroom (the bathroom "opening" shown is really a door) and the other wall makes a 45 degree angle into the hallway. About 18 inches down the hallway is the doorway into a bedroom.



What I need to do is find a way to span the 5' 4.5" opening from the corner of the bathroom to where the angled wall meets the hallway. Which means nothing is square! (In the picture that looks like it will make the hallway too narrow by the stairs, but I must have had a measurement off because there's plenty of room). The ceilings are 8 foot.




When I was a kid, my dad made a bedroom for me out of a breakfast nook, by bolting together some louvered closet doors across the span with two of the doors being openable. (This is not a picture of my room). My doors didn't go all the way to the ceiling (they were closet door height) and if you bent down you could look up the louvers to see in my bedroom (I was 16 that was really embarassing), but the point was it was probably relatively inexpensive and could be removed when we moved on the next year.



Of course MY point was that while it did keep my siblings from just walking into my room anytime they wanted, it did NOT keep them from lobbing marshmallows and assorted items over the top of my "wall" and of course you could see into it, which really wasn't cool.

I want something that feels fairly permanent, is cheap and easy to install, and gives him some privacy.

Edited to add: I do have a safety concern for Ponito too. Our kids don't have locks on their doors and we haven't had any issues with sexual abuse in this home, but I do feel he needs to have a door that at least makes noise if someone enters. People here are in the habit of knocking on closed doors, but see open doors (or just curtains?) as an open invitation. Plus Kitty sleepwalks and his room would be right next to the bathroom.

If it muffles sound (since it's right next to the bathroom) all the better.


These things like hotels use to divide big rooms into smaller rooms are cool, but probably way out of my price range.

Suggestions?!

Starting a new business?

Thinking about going back to doing seamstress work again. What do y'all think? What would be the best market to get into?

a) try to break into the Anime/costume business?
I've been making elaborate costumes for a looonng time.

**Unicorn Centaur Princess

**Teletubby

**Purple People Eater

**Renaissance

b) design clothing for those live size jointed dolls? Don't have any pictures of this, although I've done period pieces for smaller dolls



c) bridal/ bridesmaid/ prom as an independent (not for a company)














d) custom clothing for people who don't fit standard sizes or want something that's hard to find

He's 6 foot 7 inches tall

Discreet, stylish nursing top

e) bridal alterations or regular alterations for a company

f) teach sewing to teens/ adults

g) custom bedding or curtains









h) Custom machine embroidery (can't figure out how to put pictures on here)



How should I market myself?
a) Etsy shop (not that I know anything about these)


b) website and try to do long distance sewing from measurements


c) only local clients

If I do this then I need to find a way to put a door on the old playroom and move Ponito's bedroom up there so I can have my old sewing room back. We had moved me out of it when we'd decided to split up the girls so they each had thier own room. At that time the kids actually played in the playroom.

We had put Bob in my sewing room because she was the only one I trusted next to the front door and away from everyone (all the other bedrooms are upstairs). A year or so ago, Ponito and Bob switched bedrooms, don't remember why, just remember all the furniture moving was tough. Ponito likes the idea of moving to the playroom because it's twice as big as his current room. He was a little disappointed when he found out the PS2 wouldn't be staying.

I need my old downstairs sewing room for several reasons.

1. 
   
   Having clients climb the stairs or going into the family parts of the house is never a good idea. My old sewing room was right by the front door.


2. 
   
   What I'm using now is small enough to be a small walk-in closet and I could never work on wedding dresses or other large pieces of fabric (like bedding or curtains) or have clients in there. It's too crowded to even be able to close the door.


3. 
   
   Has to have a door to keep out the cats. We have a long hair cat that LOVES fabric and hiding in my fabric stashes. If I leave fabric out for a moment unattended he's laying/ shedding on it. If I cover it with plastic to protect it, he's been known to pee on the plastic.


4. 
   
   I need to be in a central part of the house for when I'm needed. Especially when Kitty gets home.