Recently Bear rented the PG-13 movie, I Am Number 4 (which had NOT been approved by parent) and Bear, Ponito and Bob watched it at Grandma’s house while Kitty was at a b-day party (this was deliberate because they knew Kitty should not be watching the movie and would most likely tattle). Kitty came home and watched the ending. She asked to watch the beginning, but Grandma realized she wasn’t supposed to watch it.
Kitty tattled because she was angry they got to see the movie without her. Bear and Bob don’t see why they shouldn’t be allowed to watch it. Ponito was a little disturbed by it (it was very violent and bloody) and left the room several times. Kitty was triggered, but it’s hard to say how much was from the movie, and how much was the feeling excluded (abandonment/ unloved issues).
Kitty had nightmares (mostly about being excluded) for days after the movie, and it brought up a lot of the issues between her and Bear. Specifically, she feels Bear hates her because he takes Bob to the movies and plays with Ponito (and buys them stuff), but not her - I tried to explain that Bear takes Bob to the movies because he has money around Bob's b-day since it's in the Summer, and he does it so he has an excuse to get to go to the movies with his friends, and that he plays with Ponito because they like to do the same things. I didn't add that Kitty is NOT easy to get along with, and Bear knows very well that she gets triggered by his presence so he avoids her, but I will in the next Sibling family therapy session (Friday).
Kitty's FAIR Club Writing Assignment:
1. Working with your siblings come up with a list of 32 things that you are not allowed to do/watch/ read for Grandma – add 2 things that only apply to you.
2. Working with your siblings, make a list of 100 things to do when you’re bored – be creative!
3. Read the Rebuilding Trust Guidelines.
4. Answer the Trigger Questions page (use complete sentences).
5. Talk with Mom about the Trigger Questions page when you’re done.
Ponito - repeat offender of watching media he knew was against the rules. 12 year old Ponito didn't know before the movie started that it was inappropriate (although he figured it out pretty quickly). Honestly he probably wouldn't be in the FAIR Club if he hadn't gotten in trouble so many times in the last few weeks for sneaking around playing inappropriate video games (rated T and M).
Ponito's FAIR Club Writing Assignment:
1. Working with your siblings come up with a list of 32 things that you are not allowed to do/watch/ read for grandma – add 2 things that only apply to you.
2. Working with your siblings, make a list of 100 things to do when you’re bored – be creative!
3. Read the Rebuilding Trust Guidelines.
4. Write a letter to Mom about breaking her trust lately by watching things that you know are inappropriate.
Bob - Bob knowingly allowed the younger kids to watch inappropriate movie, although she tried to keep Kitty from seeing it (“Contributing to the delinquency of a minor”). Although she denies she heard it, she did not answer Grandma or volunteer the information that the movie was inappropriate ( lying by omission).
Bob's FAIR Club Writing Assignment:
1. Working with your siblings come up with a list of 32 things that you are not allowed to do/watch/ read for grandma – add 2 things that only apply to you.
2. Working with your siblings, make a list of 100 things to do when you’re bored – be creative!
3. Help Mom create everyone’s FAIR Club assignments. What do they need to learn from this experience?
4. Read the Rebuilding Trust Guidelines.
5. Write a letter of apology to Grandma for not letting her know the movie was inappropriate.
6. Write another letter to Mom about breaking her trust. You are a role model to your siblings, keep that in mind when writing apologies and when offering restitution. How can you make it right?!
Bear - Bear was of course the renter of the DVD and technically an adult now, was "Contributing to the delinquency of a minor."
Bear's FAIR Club Writing Assignment:
You are now legally an adult. Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor (providing inappropriate movies to children) is a Class A misdemeanor.
The punishment for a Class A misdemeanor is:
(a) a fine not to exceed $4,000;
(b) confinement in jail for a term not to exceed one year; or
(c) both such fine and confinement.
Obviously this is not a court of law and we will not be pressing charges; however, we want you to learn from this so you will not repeat this serious breach of trust. So therefore your consequence is:
1. The court would assess fines based on damages. We’ve decided that damages includes the cost of one session of Kitty’s therapy ($75) to help her deal with the damage this has done to your relationship with her. {this will end up taking more than one session, but hopefully will have some positive effects}
2. We feel you need extra supervision until you can rebuild trust so you are grounded for 2 weeks – during which time you will need to do Trust Building Exercises (see attached).
3. Working with your siblings, come up with a list of 32 things that you are not allowed to do/watch/ read for grandma – add 2 things that only apply to you.
4. Working with your siblings, make a list of 100 things to do when you’re bored – be creative!
5. Read the Rebuilding Trust Guidelines.
6. Write a letter of apology to Grandma for breaking her trust by not letting her know the movie was inappropriate.
You are not the parent. You made a choice for your siblings that wasn’t yours to make. It’s not possible to “undo” what the kids have seen and are now dealing with, but you still need to try to make things right.
7. Write a letter to Mom about breaking her trust and exposing her children to movies she feels are inappropriate for them – especially without her parental guidance (knowing what they are watching and helping them deal with it if it gets to be something they can’t handle).
You are a role model to your siblings, and they look up to you. Keep that in mind when writing apologies and when offering restitution. How can you make it right?!
8. Write a letter to Kitty to start building trust with her and see if you can establish a positive relationship with her. She feels that you exclude her because you “hate her.” She believes you like Bob and Ponito more because you buy things for them and do things with them. It would be a good idea to discuss this in therapy on Friday. Please try to keep in mind that you have broken trust with Kitty so many times it will be hard for her to talk about this and to believe you if you say you want to apologize and try to make it right.
9. It is up to you if you want to write a letter to Bob and/or Ponito.
32 Rules for Grandma
108 Things to Do When You're Bored
(a) a fine not to exceed $4,000;
(b) confinement in jail for a term not to exceed one year; or
(c) both such fine and confinement.
Obviously this is not a court of law and we will not be pressing charges; however, we want you to learn from this so you will not repeat this serious breach of trust. So therefore your consequence is:
1. The court would assess fines based on damages. We’ve decided that damages includes the cost of one session of Kitty’s therapy ($75) to help her deal with the damage this has done to your relationship with her. {this will end up taking more than one session, but hopefully will have some positive effects}
2. We feel you need extra supervision until you can rebuild trust so you are grounded for 2 weeks – during which time you will need to do Trust Building Exercises (see attached).
3. Working with your siblings, come up with a list of 32 things that you are not allowed to do/watch/ read for grandma – add 2 things that only apply to you.
4. Working with your siblings, make a list of 100 things to do when you’re bored – be creative!
5. Read the Rebuilding Trust Guidelines.
6. Write a letter of apology to Grandma for breaking her trust by not letting her know the movie was inappropriate.
You are not the parent. You made a choice for your siblings that wasn’t yours to make. It’s not possible to “undo” what the kids have seen and are now dealing with, but you still need to try to make things right.
7. Write a letter to Mom about breaking her trust and exposing her children to movies she feels are inappropriate for them – especially without her parental guidance (knowing what they are watching and helping them deal with it if it gets to be something they can’t handle).
You are a role model to your siblings, and they look up to you. Keep that in mind when writing apologies and when offering restitution. How can you make it right?!
8. Write a letter to Kitty to start building trust with her and see if you can establish a positive relationship with her. She feels that you exclude her because you “hate her.” She believes you like Bob and Ponito more because you buy things for them and do things with them. It would be a good idea to discuss this in therapy on Friday. Please try to keep in mind that you have broken trust with Kitty so many times it will be hard for her to talk about this and to believe you if you say you want to apologize and try to make it right.
9. It is up to you if you want to write a letter to Bob and/or Ponito.
32 Rules for Grandma
108 Things to Do When You're Bored
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