"Do you ever wonder about the IQ and development of girls that would choose Bear as a boyfriend? Do you think it's fair to call them Kleenex girls? Would you want someone calling Kitty that? I don't mean to call you out, it's your blog and all, but it's a little mean. By the way you describe Bear and the violent crime he's been charged with, I feel a little sorry for those girls he's been with."
A recent commenter suggested I was being mean by calling Bear's girlfriends "Kleenex Girls," and I wanted to clarify. I don't call them Kleenex girls to say anything about the girls themselves, although I do believe they probably have serious issues themselves to tolerate Bear's issues. I call them Kleenex girls simply because Bear goes through them like Kleenex. Believe me I feel sorry for the girls and occasionally I try to warn them off (but don't always feel it's my place).
Bear's relationship pattern is that he meets a girl, immediately tells her he loves her (and expects the same from her), and starts a brief, intense relationship with expectations that no one can actually live up to. He fully believes they will live happily ever after, until the girl falls off her pedestal (in Bear's black and white world a girl must have no outside interests but him - no homework, no friends, no family... nothing can be more important than him) OR she does devote herself to him and BEAR freaks out at the closeness and pushes her away.
Bear had been engaged at least 3 times that I heard of before he turned 19 years old. His average relationship lasted 3 weeks (hence the name "Kleenex girls" - because he goes through them like Kleenex), and he usually has a "Back-up girl" ready and waiting before the relationship even ends so that he is never alone. Occasionally he'd have a long-distance relationship that lasted a little longer (because he felt less pressure), but he was usually involved with someone local at the same time.
Recently Bear asked me to contact his most recent Texas girlfriend, and tell her where he is now. He's hoping to get back together with her when/if he moves back to Texas (he's had time to idealize the relationship). Maybe this wasn't the right way to handle it, but I do feel sorry for these girls. This was her response.
"thanks for tell me this... i have so much to ask you about why is he in there... we really didt talk about him going to oklahoma and it kill me bc i didt want him to go and when he got up there we really didt talk we fighting alot but i was thinking he didt care or just didt want to talk.. this is crazy... JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY HE IN JAIL :("
I know this girl and her mom gave Bear a ride to the bus station and loaned him some money when he left. He'd mentioned proposing to her (but I don't know if he did). He's been gone long enough that he's idealized their relationship.
This is the follow up comment I sent to her:
I want you to know I'm telling you this information, not to hurt you, Bear, or your relationship, but because I think you should know.
Bear is seriously emotionally disturbed and mentally ill (no matter how much he wants to deny it). Because of his childhood he also has a severe attachment disorder. Off his meds he is even more emotionally volatile, making even more bad choices (he stopped taking his meds in March). He also has an addictive brain and tends to gravitate toward drugs, alcohol, and tobacco, among other things. He has recently admitted to using all of these since he moved out of our home in February.
You seem like a nice girl, so I'm going to tell you that I know Bear is not capable of making a long-term emotional connections. When people get "too close," he finds ways to push them away. He picks fights with them or pushes them until they leave him. Mostly he runs.
He craves relationships, but he's just not capable of maintaining them. He wants to love and be loved, but that part of him is seriously damaged. This is true of his bio family and adoptive family too.
When Bear ran to Oklahoma, he wanted the ideal. He wanted the relationship he craves, but can't maintain. He hoped to find that with his grandfather. Now that he's away from you, he's idealized your relationship, and when he gets out of jail, he wants to come back to you, but the reality is that what was wrong in your relationship when he left is still wrong. Nothing has changed in him, and he's still not capable of having a real relationship.
Bear has been engaged before, it seems to be his last ditch effort to try to fix a relationship, and they still don't last. I know he has had at least one "serious" girlfriend since he moved to Oklahoma. He is in jail for ___________________________________. This is a first degree felony, and if the courts decide not to take his low IQ and mental illnesses into account, he could be in jail for 30 to 40 years. The charges could also be dismissed and he could be out in a couple of months.
Again, I'm not saying this to hurt you. I am not trying to be mean or hurt Bear. I love him. This is just who he is. I'm sorry.
Again, feel free to e-mail me if you want.
So how far would you go? Who would you protect? Bear? These poor young girls with their own issues? Should I stay out of it? Most of these girls have been under 18, I hate to see them victimized.