People ask what books and methods I recommend for becoming a therapeutic parent; I've gathered them in this blog. This post contains the ones I felt helped me the most on my journey.
These posts cover a ton of topics (like School, dealing with Lying and Stealing, Traumaversaries, Handling Rages, Age-Appropriate Therapeutic Parenting...).
I've listed some of my favorites at the bottom of this post.
Using This Blog
We try to find what works best for us and our family. We make mistakes and we learn. We put together bits and pieces to form something that works for us.
Please take what you need from what you find here, and respect that others' journeys will differ from yours.
I am by no means an expert. This information is from resources I've gathered from my own reading, seminars, and other Trauma Mamas and parents on the support groups I belong to -- including, and especially, the amazing people in the international support group I admin - Parenting Attachment-Challenged Children.
These posts cover a ton of topics (like School, dealing with Lying and Stealing, Traumaversaries, Handling Rages, Age-Appropriate Therapeutic Parenting...).
I've listed some of my favorites at the bottom of this post.
Please view the posts on the right sidebar ---->
Disclaimer: Every child is different. Their personalities, their histories, and where they are in their journey. Parents and families are different too, and needs change and adapt over time. For this reason, no one technique or method will work for every child and family all the time.
There are a lot of fantastic books and techniques not covered here (for example, TBRI which I'm told is awesome and a lot like the therapeutic parenting we do, wasn't really around when we started this journey).
We try to find what works best for us and our family. We make mistakes and we learn. We put together bits and pieces to form something that works for us.
Please take what you need from what you find here, and respect that others' journeys will differ from yours.
Legal Disclaimer Gobbledy Gook:
The information provided here is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for a professional consultation. I am an individual contributor and not authorized in any way to give legal, financial, or medical advice. While I have made strong efforts to ensure that the information in this blog is as correct, complete, and up-to-date as possible, much of what you will find here is based on my personal opinion and experience. I assume no responsibility or liability for any errors or omissions in the content of this site. The information contained in this site is provided on an "as is" basis with no guarantees of completeness, accuracy, usefulness, timeliness, or of the results obtained from the use of this information..." Please research and verify any and all information you find here. Use at your own risk. This site may contain copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. This material is used as part of an effort to advance the understanding of those of us providing care for children and adults with trauma, mental illnesses, and other special needs, and I believe that this constitutes a "fair use" of the material in accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107. I
My top 10, in no significant order!
(I highlighted all books in RED. If something is underlined then it is a link.).
These behavior management techniques are a combination of all the therapeutic parenting techniques, methods, books, advice... that worked for me.
TBRI and connected parenting came along somewhat after my time, but it follows with most of what I've learned about therapeutic parenting. It's been highly recommended by other Trauma Mamas. I suggest you check it out!
1b. The FAIR Club
helped me be a better parent. It gave me a way to take the emotions out of consequences and adapt as my kids matured (Bob quickly figured out how to get around most other methods - like 1-2-3 Magic - and level systems were usually so complex that we just couldn't maintain them). It also helped me parent kids who were at such different age levels (emotional and physical) and with significantly differing abilities.
The concepts behind The FAIR Club work better when you are dealing with older kids (I'm speaking of emotional maturity, not chronological/ calendar age).
I love that it adapts well when you have both bio kids (despite being physically younger, mine could generally handle more complex consequences) and kids with attachment/ trauma issues (who need the added support when they are dysregulated). Because it emphasized that every child is different and therefore has different consequences, even when 2 children did the same thing (for example, Kitty and Bob got different consequences when they stole some Barbies, despite being similar physical ages).
The FAIR Club also allowed all the kids to see that everyone has consequences for "misbehavior," so they are less likely to mimic the behaviors (like cussing and rages) that they feel a sibling "got away with."
4. Self-Care - Caring for the Caregiver!
4a. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
5. Finding the Joy aka Choosing Joy
6. Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back : When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS, Randi KregerI found Stop Walking on Eggshells helpful for anyone dealing with a child with an attachment disorder, not necessarily borderline personality disorder. It helped me better understand why my kids acted this way, which helped me be more empathetic. This book helped me with setting boundaries for ALL of my children not just the ones with attachment disorders.
Three of my four children are diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I’m finding it interesting how much overlap there is between bipolar and RAD. This book has some spots that are dry and tough to read but has also got some extremely helpful info. And not just for bipolar disorder in kids.
7. The Explosive Child and Raising Your Spirited Child Neither of these books is specifically about children of trauma, but Raising Your Spirited Child is the only reason Bob survived to the age of 4! I learned a lot about personality differences and what a difference tolerance levels can make. I couldn't understand why Bob did a lot of the things she did, and this book really helped me have insight and empathy into our differences (and the things we had in common!). This also helped me with the other kids too.
(I highlighted all books in RED. If something is underlined then it is a link.).
1. Therapeutic Parenting - This series of posts combines most of what I've learned and/or used based on my work with special needs children, mentoring their parents, and caregiving (including my time as a director of a large preschool/daycare). Plus, of course, parenting my own children - including my severely mentally ill adopted children with RAD. I also have a Master's in Social Work with a focus on mental health and a Bachelor's in Psychology with a focus on child abuse and neglect. To be clear, I am not currently a licensed social worker.
These behavior management techniques are a combination of all the therapeutic parenting techniques, methods, books, advice... that worked for me.
--> STRUCTURE and CARING SUPPORT - Children NEED structure and caring support to feel safe and start to heal. This feeling of safety is usually not based in reality – it is a perceived feeling of safety.
If the child feels that they are in control instead of us then their world is not SAFE.
To outsiders, the high level of structure we provide seems controlling and overprotective, but Bear really did feel safer knowing we cared enough to pay attention to him. I believe Bear often acted out when he felt unsafe just to increase our level of supervision.
Trauma can cause significant delays in development (emotionally, socially, intellectually...). Frequent moves and other traumatic life events can cause developmental delays. Children can get stuck at an age when trauma occurred. We need to parent our children based on where the child IS versus where they “should be,”and base our expectations of our child on that child’s emotional age not their physical age.
To parent your child where they ARE, sometimes means changing our expectations of our teen to those of a 6-year-old. Or treating our 6-year-old like a toddler.
Our kids may find "normal" kid stuff overwhelming. We had to keep our children's rooms stripped to the essentials, avoid overwhelming places like grocery stores and birthday parties, fight the school for accommodations, avoid letting the child get tired or hungry...
--> DETACHMENT PARENTING -Being a detached parent doesn’t mean you ignore your child when he's upset or needs you. It just means that you become more “detached” from the emotional scenarios that, as a parent, you encounter, and not allow your kids’ or your own high emotions affect how you parent.It allows you to take the time you need to calm down and/or think things through before you respond to your child.
Calming/ Relaxation TechniquesStructure and Caring Support Routines and rules help children know what to expect and removes a lot of the emotional components of parenting on the fly, leading to fewer feelings of judgment and shame.
Detachment Parenting helped me validate my lack of mama guilt about not prioritizing my child's needs over everything and everyone else - even though I knew my child would most likely fail without my constant intervention. (I also try to remember that my child might fail whether I was there or not). {You Have Not Failed!}
--> LET IT GO- Choose 3-4 hills you are willing to die on and let the rest go. Hills #3 and #4 can change as different needs develop or are resolved. For example, RRHAFTBALL - used to be just RRHAFTBA (Respectful, Responsible, Honest, And Fun To Be Around) as the kids grew more attached and/or used to the rules, we added the LL (Loving and Learning).
Our hills:
- Safety - of the child and others around them. Unsafe behaviors, hitting/aggression, threatening...
- Respectful - when the child isn't dysregulated, we expect a certain level of respect. For us, this doesn't mean saying "Yes, Sir" or "No, Ma'am." It means things like not bossing people around, not using inappropriate language like cussing or telling people to shut up, giving others their space, allowing othere to express thier feelings as long as it wasn't hurting themselves or others (happy-laughing, sad-crying, angry-, silly-singing quietly...)...
- (Varies) No Parenting Other Kids - i.e. telling them what to do, trying to fix things for them instead of letting them do it themselves or letting an adult do it, intervening when another child is being disciplined or getting one-on-one time with a parent...
- (Varies) No Tattling - Tattling is telling on another kid to get them in trouble. Telling an adult about something someone doing something that is unsafe to themselves or others is not tattling,
We still address the other things but with a lower priority. We also try not to make hills over things that are caused by developmental/emotional delays and/or mental illness (like lying, stealing, issues at school). You can not change the lying or inability to take ownership of their actions, but you will see gains. Please let go of those things you can't change - those can’t be a hill. trust me.
1a. KARYN PURVIS and TBRII got some great advice from a Trauma Mama friend when I called her crying because he met one of my friends for the first time and it was a shit show (I knew his behavior was anxiety/ fear-based as with most behaviors but that didn't help) :
"DO NOT care what people think. Our job is to focus on our family and parent the way we know benefits our child. If people in your community choose to dislike him in his adult life due to his childhood attachment challenges, then that’s on them."
TBRI and connected parenting came along somewhat after my time, but it follows with most of what I've learned about therapeutic parenting. It's been highly recommended by other Trauma Mamas. I suggest you check it out!
1b. The FAIR Club
helped me be a better parent. It gave me a way to take the emotions out of consequences and adapt as my kids matured (Bob quickly figured out how to get around most other methods - like 1-2-3 Magic - and level systems were usually so complex that we just couldn't maintain them). It also helped me parent kids who were at such different age levels (emotional and physical) and with significantly differing abilities. The concepts behind The FAIR Club work better when you are dealing with older kids (I'm speaking of emotional maturity, not chronological/ calendar age).
I love that it adapts well when you have both bio kids (despite being physically younger, mine could generally handle more complex consequences) and kids with attachment/ trauma issues (who need the added support when they are dysregulated). Because it emphasized that every child is different and therefore has different consequences, even when 2 children did the same thing (for example, Kitty and Bob got different consequences when they stole some Barbies, despite being similar physical ages).
The FAIR Club also allowed all the kids to see that everyone has consequences for "misbehavior," so they are less likely to mimic the behaviors (like cussing and rages) that they feel a sibling "got away with."
-->STRUCTURE AND CARING SUPPORT
Our biokids learned from The FAIR Club and outgrew it; however, we found that our adopted children needed to be in a structured environment 24/7 (like The FAIR Club but without the writing assignments and extra chores). They also needed it for a much longer time.
I have done a whole series of posts reviewing the info on Katharine Leslie based on her books and seminars (see the right sidebar of this blog) and I HIGHLY recommend her books - my favorite is Coming to Grips with Attachment which is full of practical advice, especially regarding older child adoptions.
3 . Can This Child Be Saved? Solutions For Adoptive and Foster Families by Cathy Helding and Foster W. Cline -
The title is scary, but the book is very empowering and validating for parents.
Foster Cline is one of the authors of the Love and Logic books. I really like the L&L books, but I don't believe they work well with kids of trauma. This book is written for those of us parenting kids with trauma and attachment issues.
To me, the best part of this book is that it lists conventional and non-conventional techniques and why they do or don’t work with our kids! For example, Sticker Charts (Hint: Sticker Charts DON'T work with our kids!), This book gives us the "ammo" and resources we need to fight those pressuring us to use techniques with our kids.
- The first part of the book is an overview of the "disturbed" child.
- The second part of the book gives more practical parenting tools.
To me, the best part of this book is that it lists conventional and non-conventional techniques and why they do or don’t work with our kids! For example, Sticker Charts (Hint: Sticker Charts DON'T work with our kids!), This book gives us the "ammo" and resources we need to fight those pressuring us to use techniques with our kids.
I know it sounds stupid, but I needed "permission," encouragement, and constant reminders to take care of myself.
Totally Empty- Parenting a child with attachment issues is draining and we need extra support to deal with that. But it felt so wrong for me to prioritize myself over the needs of everyone else.
Society tells us we should be nurturing and prioritize our family. The people who work with our child tell us that we should be doing everything possible (and more) for that one child and that you HAVE TO prioritize that child over the needs of yourself the family.
I believe we should do as they say on airplanes - put the oxygen mask on yourself and only then take care of those around you. If you give and give and give without getting much, if anything, back, then there is nothing left! If you have nothing left, then you can't be there for anyone. {Giving Until There's Nothing Left - But My Child NEEDS Me!}
Totally Empty- Parenting a child with attachment issues is draining and we need extra support to deal with that. But it felt so wrong for me to prioritize myself over the needs of everyone else.
Society tells us we should be nurturing and prioritize our family. The people who work with our child tell us that we should be doing everything possible (and more) for that one child and that you HAVE TO prioritize that child over the needs of yourself the family.
I believe we should do as they say on airplanes - put the oxygen mask on yourself and only then take care of those around you. If you give and give and give without getting much, if anything, back, then there is nothing left! If you have nothing left, then you can't be there for anyone. {Giving Until There's Nothing Left - But My Child NEEDS Me!}
--> Prioritizing Yourself, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order!
I also needed "permission" to prioritize myself and the rest of the family over the needs of one child. Yes, my job as a parent is to help this child, but not at the expense of my marriage and the other children.
--> Continuous Traumatic Stress (CTS) - When Your Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is Not In The Past Yet - Years of dealing with life with kids with trauma/attachment/mental illnesses... can lead to Caregiver Fatigue and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). But when we're still in the trenches, you can't call it POST Traumatic Stress Disorder. This post talks about Continuous Traumatic Stress and some ideas on how to handle it.
4a. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
This is not a therapeutic parenting book, but I use the Love Languages daily. It's not just a huge help in understanding my husband and family and expressing my love to them, but helps with every person I come into contact with. With my employees, it helped me know how to best motivate them and reward their achievements. With friends, I can figure out how best to express my appreciation or provide support.
Most importantly, it has helped me understand what I need and how to make sure my "love tank" is full. A full tank is key to helping me be a good therapeutic parent.
I'm going to repeat that...
My family struggles with their own needs and can't fill my tank full (although I have "trained" Hubby to speak to me in my Love Language!).
Knowing that my love language is Words of Affirmation means that I can focus my limited time and energy on meeting this need for myself. In my case, through this blog and the FB group that I admin. I can't tell you how many times a thank you or a positive comment brightened my day and helped fill my tank. (Of course, a negative comment, especially a troll, cuts deeply and leaves me feeling drained).
Most importantly, it has helped me understand what I need and how to make sure my "love tank" is full. A full tank is key to helping me be a good therapeutic parent.
I'm going to repeat that...
IF YOUR "LOVE TANK" IS EMPTY, YOU CAN'T FILL ANYONE ELSE'S.
My family struggles with their own needs and can't fill my tank full (although I have "trained" Hubby to speak to me in my Love Language!).
Knowing that my love language is Words of Affirmation means that I can focus my limited time and energy on meeting this need for myself. In my case, through this blog and the FB group that I admin. I can't tell you how many times a thank you or a positive comment brightened my day and helped fill my tank. (Of course, a negative comment, especially a troll, cuts deeply and leaves me feeling drained).
5. Finding the Joy aka Choosing Joy
This is one of the most important concepts that helped me. Accepting life the way it is and choosing to be happy. Remembering that I haven't failed when my children or my life aren't what I hoped for and expected them to be.
You Haven't Failed!! This is another post that helped me, especially when I realized that my son was never going to be attached to me and in fact, can't handle any relationships for longer than a couple of weeks.
You Haven't Failed!! This is another post that helped me, especially when I realized that my son was never going to be attached to me and in fact, can't handle any relationships for longer than a couple of weeks.
6. Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back : When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS, Randi KregerI found Stop Walking on Eggshells helpful for anyone dealing with a child with an attachment disorder, not necessarily borderline personality disorder. It helped me better understand why my kids acted this way, which helped me be more empathetic. This book helped me with setting boundaries for ALL of my children not just the ones with attachment disorders.
7. The Explosive Child and Raising Your Spirited Child Neither of these books is specifically about children of trauma, but Raising Your Spirited Child is the only reason Bob survived to the age of 4! I learned a lot about personality differences and what a difference tolerance levels can make. I couldn't understand why Bob did a lot of the things she did, and this book really helped me have insight and empathy into our differences (and the things we had in common!). This also helped me with the other kids too.
9. Beyond Consequences Logic and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors by Heather T. Forbes and B. Bryan Post
I use this book primarily to remind myself where my children are coming from (fear!), especially when they're Raging. It helps me with empathy.
When I read it though, I do have to keep in mind that this book tends to be negative toward parents. The book's premise is that if we follow their recommendations then the child will get better, if the child doesn't get better, then it's our fault because we must have done it wrong. That's just not true!
When I read it though, I do have to keep in mind that this book tends to be negative toward parents. The book's premise is that if we follow their recommendations then the child will get better, if the child doesn't get better, then it's our fault because we must have done it wrong. That's just not true!
10. Support!!
Trauma Mamas - I started on this journey feeling alone. No one around me had adopted teens. No one had adopted children with severe special needs. I found one forum that finally led me to other crazy people like me.
Trauma Mamas - I started on this journey feeling alone. No one around me had adopted teens. No one had adopted children with severe special needs. I found one forum that finally led me to other crazy people like me.
Lisa, a blogger at Life in the Grateful House, started this journey at about the same time I did, and I have the privilege of calling her friend. She Introduced me to blogging and has been incredibly transparent on her blog about her amazing work with her daughter J.
Over the years, there have been many people who've helped me with our unique, individual journey because something about them and/or the blogs they shared, resonated with me. In the blogging world, I found people who are kinda like me and going through what I went through or maybe are doing things totally differently than I would, and I get to see different ways of doing thins.
The biggest reason I've made it this far:
Online support groups
Beyond Trauma and Attachment and other Facebook Groups including one of the ones I admin (Parenting Attachment-Challenged Children), provide the most support I've ever found. People from all over the world at all hours of the day and night, reaching out to people who "get it" to support each other, ask and answer questions, rant or rejoice, and reach out just let others know that they are not alone. These amazing people sit in their living rooms, at a Starbucks, or even meet in real life.
These therapeutic parents made more of a difference for me than any other therapist, medication, book or resource. They "get it."
Real life support - people like Hubby - who's always got my back, Grandma - who provided weekly respite for years - BLESS HER!, Leslie, Sherry, Lori, Kim... fellow trauma mamas who listen to me vent and give constructive advice, Terry and Mike and the COAC (local adoption support group) and the ACT crew, Kitty's attachment therapist... and my friends and family who don't really "get it," but who listen and support me anyway (Denise, Sharon, Caty, Cuz Susanna, Cuz John...)...Christine Moers is a weird, Christian chick with dreadlocks and tats and the most amazingly warm and understanding person you can imagine - a coach who really "gets it." She no longer has an internet presence, but she co-created a fantastic DVD with Billy Kaplan, called"Chaos to Healing: Therapeutic Parenting 101" - which explains Dan Hughes' PACE technique extremely well and I highly recommend it.
- Therapeutic Parenting Based on Emotional/ Developmental Age**
- School!**
- Self-Care - Caring For The Caregiver**
- Structure and Caring Support**
- Therapeutic Parenting**
- Why Won't My Child Just Behave?!
- Continuous Traumatic Stress (CTS) - When Your Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is Not In The Past Yet
- Document, Document, Document!!!**
- Finding The Joy**
- Lying and Stealing - Why they do it and how we handled it**
- Prioritizing Yourself, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order**
- Rages - Why they do it and how we handled it**
*******************
3 comments:
Mary, your pointers are more than a life-line for other families on this journey! I can't imagine how much research and life experience has gone into what you so honestly, kindly (and even with some humor) have shared. If people still meet in Orlando every year, we're in :) Thank you! Kathy G.
Thank you for the compliments. :)
Yes! They still have the retreat in Orlando every year! It's in February this year, and I think they still have openings. The website is not up to date, but http://momsfindhealing.com/index.php/retreat-faq/ the contact info should be good. ETAAM@mail.com
Apparently I had a bad link. Here's the up to date info on the retreat - http://www.momsfindhealing.com/index.php/retreat-faq/
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