This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Dear Biofamily,

Kitty announced tonight that after an argument with Hubby on Sunday, she has decided to move back to Nebraska.  Her grandparents are supposed to be picking her up on Saturday.

Kitty went to live with biomom and biosisters in Nebraska on July 1.  She came back to Texas on August 1.  She freely admits that her memory of whichever place she's not currently living, becomes more of a fantasy than a reality.  For her, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence - whatever side of the fence she's on.  She's already left once with no idea how she was going to handle things (no meds, no money, no practical skills...).  She literally could die if she goes off her medications cold turkey, but that was the situation she'd put herself in, and we couldn't help.

So this time I'm sending out an appeal to biofamily to please, please think of Kitty's future (which she's incapable of doing for herself right now) and encourage her to stay in Texas. Just for one year to finish beauty school, which will give her a skill she can take anywhere.  For her sake.

I'm sincerely hoping you will help me.  I need to talk to you about how Kitty's decision to move to Nebraska right now will really damage her future (not to mention her physical and mental health).  
I'll understand if she still wants to go after she has a chance to calm down, but right now she needs to stay in Texas to get on SSI and Medicaid (her medications cost almost $2000 a month if she doesn't have insurance, plus she needs to see a psychiatrist every 6-8 weeks - more if she's unstable).  Our insurance will no longer cover her if she moves out, and even with our insurance the copays are almost $200 a month.  
There's an agency here that will help her find a job that will work around her intellectual disabilities and her mental health issues as well.  They will also pay for community college and the beauty school she wants to go to.  If she moves, then she will have to pay out of state tuition and will likely not get the accommodations she needs.
I'm asking you to please do what's best for Kitty and not come get her until she's had a chance to at least try school.  I want her to have the best possible start in life and she can't get that if she keeps running away and has other people supporting her for the rest of her life.  I know you want what's best for her too.  Please, please encourage her to make the tough choice to stay and work through this.
Thank you,

UPDATE:  I was able to get hold of Biograndma - who was the one who planned to drive cross company to get Kitty.  Unlike Biomom, Biograndma doesn't read this blog.  She had no knowledge of Kitty's issues, and how much Kitty would be losing if she leaves right now.  It took a lot of long conversations (and FB messaging), but Biograndma finally agreed that it wasn't in Kitty's best interest to leave right now.  After all of that, she admitted that she didn't have the money to make the drive anyway! I can't believe how close we came to Kitty blowing the meeting she had on Friday, for something that wasn't going to happen.

I did tell Kitty that I was going to do everything I could to keep her from leaving right now.  I feel like she felt abandoned when we didn't stop her last time.  This time I told her that I thought it was a really bad choice because of the timing (which I told her last time too), and that I was saying, "NO."  Since I'm not a cute boy, she refused.

When Biograndma told Kitty she wasn't coming, Kitty of course blamed me.  She's always mad at me though, except when she's not.  *sigh*

She's actually had a decent few days -- once we got past me enforcing her not sleeping all day so she'll be ready for school when it starts. For the last week, she's been sleeping 24 hours and staying awake 24 hours. She's gotten herself totally dysregulated by not taking her meds regularly, drinking, and totally mucking up her sleep schedule.  She's depressed, moody, and anxious.  We're trying to get her next psychiatric appointment moved up so we can get started on changing her meds if that's what's needed.


jwg said...

So what happened? If she leaves and then wants to come back will you have to do all the work to get her services all over again? Are you her legal guardian?

marythemom said...

jwg - I added an update to this post. If she had left and come back, yes, I would have had to try to get her services all over again. Even though she qualified, we just couldn't afford legal guardianship.

Sam said...

I'm so glad Kitty stayed. I'm glad the bio gramma understood. It woudl be so terrible in my oppinion if she left and then ended up with no services/ accomidations. As someone who's blind and has mental illness I know how hard that is. My parents lack of understanding on mental illness meant/means that I've had to find my own accomidations with that and now have a good living situation that is appropriate. In my oppinion Kitty has such a good mom for doing all that you do for her and fighting for her. If I her I would stay my whole life knowing I'd be kept supported. I would be hurt if I were you seeing her leave. But I'm not a parent and I guess parents have to let their kids go sometimes. Even if they have disabilities and let them make their own choices. Even though my mom doesn't get everything that's going on, like at all, she did say once when I was in the psych hospital (over the phone) that she had to trust that I was doing the right thing, rather than taking me out of where I'm living residential care and bringing me to their house. Anyway I wish you and Kitty all the best!

marythemom said...

Thanks, Sam. :)