When the relatives got here, she took off. She was gone for 3 days. I didn't even know she was back home, until I was telling the other kids we were going to eat lunch out with my sister and her kids. She started to get up to get ready to go, but I told her she wasn't invited. I've decided she doesn't get to pick and choose which family members she hangs out with or what activities she participates in (like eating out).
There will always be food for her of course, but she will no longer be eating out with us. She wants to be treated like an adult boarder instead of a family member, then that's what she'll get. A long time ago, I went to a seminar and the presenter (Katharine Leslie) talked about the Basic Package vs Luxury Package. I decided this is what I'm going to do. {This is not the first time I made this decision, but the last time, we and the therapist decided it wasn't in Kitty's best interest yet.}
No more chasing her down to do family chores and no more family activities. She doesn't want to be a family girl. So be it.
She told me today that she wants to go Vegan (I predict that will last about 18 hours once she tastes the food and feels any deprivation - food is a trauma trigger for her). I told her she can use part of her food allowance to pay for any specialty items - up to $25/month. I see no reason to spend a fortune on food no one else will eat.
I had given her until the 1st of the year to clean her disgusting room or I'd clean it for her (strip it down to something she can handle). Then I'd start weekly inspections (like they do at Bob's dorm) with a fine if it's dirty. I will clean it tomorrow with or without her help, preferably without.
I was dreading this cleaning the room thing, but I woke up with a great idea. Trading Spaces. 48 hours to convert her room to a more "grown up" version. For Christmas, I got her a "big girl bed" (queen size) with more sophisticated bedding. I'll paint the walls the same neutral color as the rest of the house (we're planning on selling the house in the next couple of years), but we can have fun with the rest.
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| Before |
Follow-up: As expected, Kitty was unable to do the clean up on her own and kept refusing my help. One day as she was walking out to hang out with a friend, I informed her I was working on her room today as it was convenient for me then. It went from this to THIS in 4 hours. I put all non-trash items in her closet and told her we would go through them together - knowing this would be hard, I let her put me off for 2 days.
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| After |
I posted the AFTER pictures on FaceBook and tagged Kitty. All her friends saw what a good job I did and told her how awesome it looked and how sweet it was of me to do that for her. That way she couldn't get away with blaming me and complaining to all her friends about how mean I was.
Here's what happened next.
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This was originally intended for children new to the home, not children who have lived with the family for years, but it has some applicable points.
"The Basic Package" Accommodation.
Provide a "structure and rehabilitation" environment (vs. "love and affection" environment).
Meet the child's basic needs for food, shelter, and warmth.
Provide affection in response to the child's demonstration of affection, but only if it's appropriate.
Draw attention to the "giving and taking" that is part of every interaction.
Give and allow consequences that will evoke caring behaviors.
Katharine suggests no chores or family expectations until your child is part of your family. Even the names "Mom" and "Dad" are nicknames that grow out of love and can wait until later to be used.
"The Luxury Package" Accommodation
Basic package plus "family perks"
All things that children don't need but come out of the goodness of a parent's heart (ex. extra-curricular activities, chauffeur services, vacations, parties, dinners out).
To qualify for this package a child has to mutually satisfy parental needs in some ways, most of the time.
Earning the Luxury Package
A child can "upgrade" by performing certain family-friendly behaviors.
Adult Family Member Privileges -
In short, if you aren't acting like a contributing family member then you don't get to enjoy the privileges of being a family member. Contributing - can include financially with a job or paying rent with SSI but it's also things like chores, driving siblings places if they have a car, chores around the house, and attitude (RRHAFTBALL!)
- rides to places and/or use of a car,
- meals with the family vs a cold sandwich they make themselves from approved food you've allowed them access to - possibly in a designated cabinet or shelf,
- family activities,
- internet and cable connection (this can include Hulu, Netflix, or other family accounts),
- cell phone (you can remove access to data - or even give them a non-smart phone - yes, these exist!
- access to family belongings like a laptop (if needed for school) or other electronics only under line-of-sight supervision,
- car insurance, car payments, gas money...
- even if they own property (like a gaming system) it can be removed or at the very least, you can remove internet access...
- signing and following a Boarder Agreement
- ...
In short, while they're living under your roof, they need to follow your rules. I'll be honest, this will probably encourage your child to move out to get away from your rules and restrictions, but really, is that a bad thing?
Other posts:
- Detachment Parenting an Adult Child
- Boarder Agreement
- Simple Rules For An Adult Child Living At Home
- When an Adult Child Moves Out
- 18 Is Not The Finish Line
- How To Get Treated Like An Adult
1 comment:
Looks great! You did a beautiful job.
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