There's a new trend in parenting called Detachment Parenting. When I first heard of it, it sounded like heaven to my burned-out, PTSD-suffering, guilt-ridden self. I'd been trying to parent my attachment-challenged children the way society told me I should. The same way I parented my (mostly) neuro-typical, totally attached bio-kids - nurturing, child-focused, self-sacrificing... and it was killing me! {Giving Until There's Nothing Left - But My Child NEEDS Me!}
Attachment Parenting
What is detaching?
Al-Anon (a 12-Step group for people affected by someone else’s alcoholism) describes detachment with this acronym:
Don’t
Even
Think
About
Changing
Him/Her
There are 2 types of "Attachment Parenting." One is mostly about "crunchy moms," breastfeeding, wearing your infant (sling), cosleeping... which is all great, but not the point of this blog.
The other type of attachment parenting is more about children with "attachment challenges," kids whose attachment has been damaged by trauma. This type of Attachment Parenting aka Therapeutic Parenting or Connected Parenting is the focus of this blog.
Well, it used to be.
Nowadays, it's about DEtachment Parenting.
What detachment parenting isn’t
Being a detached parent doesn’t mean you ignore your child when he's upset or needs you. It just means that you have chosen to use a more structured and less-reactive type of parenting style.
Being a detached parent doesn’t mean you ignore your child when he's upset or needs you. It just means that you have chosen to use a more structured and less-reactive type of parenting style.
Detachment Parenting
In a lot of ways, I was already doing detachment parenting.
I see Detachment Parenting as a way to validate not feeling guilty about not prioritizing my child's needs over everything else - even though I knew my child would most likely fail without my constant intervention. (I also try to remember that my child might fail whether I was there or not). {You Have Not Failed!}
Prioritizing Yourself, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order I started prioritizing my life differently in an effort to function again - to get a thicker skin about ignoring other's expectations and "shoulds", and stop being reactive or even proactive about my child. I needed to parent my attachment-challenged child calmly and with perspective about the needs of my family and myself.
Stop Walking on Eggshells One thing that really helped me with becoming a Detached Parent with all of my teens (even my neurotypical biokids), was one of my favorite books, Stop Walking on Eggshells. I still reread it often. I found the practical suggestions for setting boundaries helped me with staying calm and detached with all of my teens and young adult children, not just the ones with attachment issues. Stop Walking on Eggshells
Finding The Joy I once heard a house parent in a residential treatment center for emotionally disturbed girls tell a teen that she was a "bottomless pit of need." At the time, I thought he was a horrible person. Now I get it. If we drain our emotional reserves trying to fill a child who can't be filled, then we're empty. You can't fill from an empty cup. Our kids need a different type of parenting and society's "shoulds" can suck it!
Detachment Parenting: A New Trend in Parenting by JustMommies staff
A “detached parent” is not an uncaring or uninvolved parent.According to Heidi Smith Luedtke, Ph.D., author of Detachment Parenting: 33 Ways to Keep Your Cool When Kids Melt Down,
“Rest assured, detachment parenting is not the opposite of attachment parenting. It doesn’t require you to deny your feelings, keep kids at arms’ length or let them cry it out when they’re distressed.” She says, “Detachment parenting does not prescribe choices about how you feed, cuddle or care for your kids."
What is detachment parenting?
Detachment parenting has less to do with the lifestyle decisions you make for your family, and more to do with how you as a parent respond to your child’s emotions, as well as your own.
The main premise of detachment parenting is that you become more “detached” from the emotional scenarios that, as a parent, you encounter, and not allow your kids’ or your own high emotions affect how you parent.
It’s very easy to react to parenting scenarios with your emotions, rather than taking the time to calm down or think things through before you respond to your child.
“Break out of fight-or-flight mode.” Instead of reacting to situations emotionally, Luedtke shows parents ways to tune into their bodies’ “natural relaxation response”. Once a parent is calm, she is naturally better able to respond to her child’s needs.
"Staying Calm." Some of the methods of detachment parenting are common sense. When you or your kids get angry, you need to take steps to stay calm. You can use simple things to help you get your mind in a calmer place, such as counting to 100, taking a time out of your own, or deep breathing. (Calming/ Relaxation Techniques}
"Structure and Caring Support." Other ways to keep your family running more smoothly include having structure and rules. Routines and rules help children know what to expect and removes a lot of the emotional components of parenting on the fly, leading to fewer feelings of judgment and shame. Rules keep things more predictable, and there is less likelihood of tension or friction when kids have structure. {Structure, Support, Routines, and Boundaries}
"Prioritizing Self-Care." Detached parents tend to want their children to be independent and are not completely absorbed in their children’s lives. Of course, they love their kids and spend time with their kids, but they also make time for themselves. They try to make time for “me time” so that they are happier, more relaxed, and better able to deal with the situations that come up with their kids. {Self-Care! Caring for the Caregiver}
You're not obligated to a life of thankless servitude just because you are a parent. You have the right to see your efforts appreciated. Show your family that you're worth more than that. Value yourself and you’ll immediately feel better. {Handling Continuous Traumatic Stress(CTS) - When Your PTSD is Not Post/Past Yet}
"Value Yourself and Your Time" By disengaging, your child will have to ask you for help. You're no longer volunteering your time and energy. By disengaging, you stop martyring yourself. You will no longer put yourself in the position offering to take on extra tasks, only to end up criticized, unappreciated, accused of overbearing parenting, taken for granted, and fuming in resentment.Your child has no right to expect more involvement from you than they are willing to do themselves.
"Stop Trying To Fix Other People" Detaching is the opposite of enabling because it allows people to experience the consequences of their choices and it provides you with needed emotional and physical space so that you can care for yourself and feel at peace.
Codependents {in our case, therapeutic parents with adult children} often find themselves in dysfunctional relationships where they spend an inordinate amount of time worrying and trying to control or fix other people. This is done with a loving heart, but it can become all-consuming. The problem is, sometimes your loved one doesn’t want the help you’re offering; they want to do things their own way. This creates a maddening push and pull where no one’s happy and you’re both trying to control and force. This can feel like an upside down roller coaster ride that never ends!Because of their caring nature, codependents can become obsessed with other people’s problems. They have good intentions and a real desire to help, but this fixation on problems they can’t actually solve (like your Mom’s alcoholism or your adult son’s unemployment) isn’t helpful to anyone. It’s a distraction from taking care of yourself and solving your own problems. It also prevents your loved one from taking full responsibility for their life and learning to solve their own problems. {Excerpts from Codependency and the Art of Detaching From Dysfunctional Family Members
"Letting go" Heck, you're already the bad guy. You've got nothing to lose at this point. We talk about the importance of letting go, a process that's much easier said than done. But you have to try. Because letting go can mean the choice between continuing to sludge through misery every single day—or finally doing something about it.
"Detaching is a process" Detaching is something you do over and over again in relationships. Like setting boundaries, it’s not something you do once and then forget about!
One of the hardest challenges we face as a parent is giving up our need to change our kids into our idea of what we think they should or could be.
Al-Anon (a 12-Step group for people affected by someone else’s alcoholism) describes detachment with this acronym:
Don’t
Even
Think
About
Changing
Him/Her
A popular Al-Anon reading advises: “I must detach myself from his [the alcoholic’s] shortcoming, neither making up for them nor criticizing them. Let me learn to play my own role, and leave his to him. If he fails in it, the failure is not mine, no matter what others may think or say about it” (One Day At a Time in Al-Anon, 1987, page 29).
Detaching means you stop trying to force the outcome that you want/wish/hope for your child.
Detaching From the Insecurely Attached Child
For me, it's harder to practice detachment parenting with my daughter (11 when she came to us). She IS attached (anxiously attached, but attached). Emotionally she's only about 12-14 years old, but in the eyes of the world (and the law), she's 25.
Stepping Back from Therapeutic Parenting
The world says she's an adult, but she is not. Emotionally/ Developmentally she is much younger. How do I detach from a "young" child in an adult body? {Giving Until There's Nothing Left - But My Child NEEDS Me!}
I found it was much easier to step back with my son than with my vulnerable daughter {because she's female? because she tends to have "victim" written all over her? because she can get pregnant?... all of the above? I'm not sure.}
9 years of intense Attachment Therapy with her needing me to provide most of her emotional regulation (and being her frontal lobe), accommodating the world for her, being her case manager and Rep Payee... and now I'm having to redefine what our relationship should look like.
Therapeutically Parenting the Adult Child
I tried to continue to be a therapeutic parent after my daughter turned 18 and it worked somewhat while she was in high school {she graduated a couple of months after turning 19}, but she was very resentful of it (especially because she was receiving a lot of validation from her friends, biofamily, and teachers). This damaged our relationship.
After graduation, she still desperately needed the structure and support of therapeutic parenting, but society was telling her she was an adult and therefore not only had a right to but deserved all the adult privileges (driving, living in her own place, being able to come and go without telling anyone, getting a pet, handling her own money, going to college, drinking, sex...) even though she could handle none of the responsibilities (paying bills, dealing with insurance, budgeting, housing, health, hygiene...).
The Little Red Hen
I finally decided that for everyone's sake, I needed to back off - To be a Detached Parent. I was exhausted and being the Little Red Hen was slowly killing me. I hated being resentful and angry all the time.
I'll admit that backing off is frustrating as hell because deep down, I know it's not really in her best interest and I'm making more work for myself in the future. {when she gets pregnant, when I have to deal with yet another marathon session of helping her through an emotional breakdown, when she possibly burns down the house, when she asks for more money for food and/or medicine, when we get overrun by bugs and rodents because she keeps food and who knows what all in her room...).
I worked hard to change my role to "life coach" and "case manager/ representative" and I'm slowly getting better at letting go
I still listen when she vents about her boyfriend, friends, and co-workers, and give her my advice when asked, but just as often, I cut her off and let her know I'm busy.
Maturity
I have to admit she has surprised me. While she still has major issues (and always will), she has grown and matured a lot more than I thought she would ever be capable of. In the last 5 years, her emotional/developmental age has grown from about age 12 to what I would guess is 15/16 {She's 25}. She has managed to live semi-independently, finds, and occasionally keeps for a few months, a part-time job. Her panic attacks are still fairly frequent but she can usually handle the fallout with the help of myself and/or her boyfriend.
It's hard but I try to stay out of the drama, to give her my opinion only when asked, and then tell her, "It's your choice." If/when she brings it up again, especially if I think she really has forgotten what I said, I repeat "it's your choice" but most of the time, I just say, "You know how I feel about that" and move on (it usually helps to distract her with a subject change).
"Detaching with love" We use the term “detach with love” to remind us that detaching is a loving action. Detaching doesn’t mean pushing people away or not caring about them. Detaching isn’t angry or withholding love. It’s letting go of controlling and worrying and puts responsibility back on the individual. It's redefining success for your child. Detaching is similar to setting boundaries. It puts healthy emotional or physical space between you and your loved one in order to give you both the freedom to make your own choices and have your own feelings. {Finding The Joy}
You can’t solve other people’s problems
According to codependency expert Melody Beattie, “Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can’t solve problems that aren’t ours to solve, and that worrying doesn’t help.” (Codependent No More, 1992, page 60)
Detaching is a way off of the “relationship rollercoaster”. Detaching allows you to take care of yourself, honor your own feelings and needs, and let go of the guilt and shame that result from taking responsibility for other people’s bad choices. {Codependency and the Art of Detaching From Dysfunctional Family Members
You can’t solve other people’s problems
"Ending the role of parent" Detaching usually isn’t cutting ties or ending a relationship but, at times, that can be the healthiest choice. Detaching can help you redefine the relationship and change it to one that works for both of you.. I think of detaching as untangling your life from someone else’s – so that your feelings, beliefs, and actions aren’t driven as a response to what someone else is doing.{You Have Not Failed!}
Role Options
- Coach - A caring individual whose role is teaching skills and even giving advice (if asked) but there are boundaries. A coach is not involved in the emotional side of the person's life.
- Relative - Your adult child is a niece/nephew/cousin - a family member but not immediate family. Someone whose life you're interested in and you care about them but don't usually see on a regular basis.
- Host/Landlord - Treat the child as a guest in your home or possibly a roommate - interactions are friendly but with boundaries. Your expectation is that everyone is respectful and friendly.
- Representative/Advocate - This has less to do with your interactions with your child and more to do with acting in their best interest. It's usually easier it it's a well-definied structured role. if it's a legal thing (like Rep Payee for their SSI account) or an advocate in specific areas -like handling school, insurance, or other complex issues. For this, it helps to have a POA (Power of Attorney) and the child's verbal or written permission to advocate on his/her behalf. {Legal Guardianship vs Power of Attorney - Notes}
- Good Samaritan. Sometimes it's just better for everyone if you treat the child as a stranger instead of someone you have a history with. If you choose you can help him or her with gifts but only what you can afford (emotionally as well as financially). If the child becomes disrespectful, hurtful, and/or abusive treat them as you would any one else behaving this way ( ex. hang up, shut the door, call the police, walk away, confront the behavior...). It can hurt emotionally to set these boundaries but you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
- Survivor. Depending on your relationship (or lack thereof) you child may be your abuser and you need to remove yourself from the toxic relationship. Severing ties is never easy but sometimes it is the only way for you and your family to heal. There are support groups out there for people in this situation. If you want to be connected to one feel free to leave me your contact information in a comment here (I won't post it!).
It's time to retire as the ringleader of this circus. These are not your monkeys any more.
SUMMARY
Emotional or psychological detachment:
Physical detachment:
- Focus on what you can control. Differentiate what’s in your control and what isn’t.
- Respond don’t react. Take time to figure out what you want to say and say it when you’re calm rather than being quick to react in the moment.
- Respond in a new way. For example, instead of taking it personally or yelling, shrug off a rude comment or make a joke of it. This changes the dynamics of the interaction.
- Allow people to make their own (good or bad) decisions.
- Don’t give advice or tell people what they should do.
- Don’t obsess about other people’s problems.
- Set emotional boundaries by letting others know how to treat you.
- Give your expectations a reality check. Unrealistic expectations are often the source of frustration and resentment.
- Do something for yourself. Notice what you need right now and try to give it to yourself. {Self-Care!! Caring for the Caregiver}
- “Stay on your side of the street” (based on a 12-Step slogan). A reminder to deal with your own problems and not interfere with other people’s choices. Aka "Not my circus. Not my monkeys."
- Take some space from an unproductive argument.
- Choose not to visit your dysfunctional child (or meet in a neutral location and arrive late and leave early).
- Leave (potentially) dangerous situations.
It gets easier!
As mentioned earlier, detaching is something that you will need to practice. It goes counter to a {parent's} nature, but it’s possible when you work at it. You’re stronger and more capable than you may think. Detaching is a way out of the chaos, worry, and emotional pain you’re experiencing. Detaching isn’t something that you must do “all or nothing”. Begin where you are, practice and learn, and in time you’ll see that detaching is not only possible, but freeing.
*******************************
OUR STORY
How We Handled Detachment Parenting When They Were Children
I wanted/ needed to be a Detached Parent, but the pressure to prioritize my children's needs was immense. Every time I tried to step back, there was someone there guilting me, shaming me, to do more. (I will admit that often that person was myself - like most women, I'd been taught practically from birth that it was my job to be the nurturer). What kind of horrible parent doesn't do everything possible for their child?! (Hint: the answer is: a healthy one!)
Finding the Joy When I decided to choose joy, I was finally able to step back and became more of a detached parent. I gave myself permission to change my priorities. To put me first, then my marriage, then the family as a whole, and then my child.
Prioritizing Yourself, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order
The rest of my children were suffering from my inability to do it all. There weren't enough hours in the day for everyone. I had to stop prioritizing based on the "squeaky wheel" principle. It was benefiting no one. Not even the squeaky wheel.
Parenting with Love and Logic
This book gives lots of practical advice that is great for helping me stay calm, and stop rescuing and controlling my kids. It also gave me ideas of consequences and realistic expectations, and I used it to help me devise logical consequences for the FAIR Club (Parenting Teens with Love and Logic is good too!).
Detachment Parenting with Teens
At What Point Do You Let Go?
I wanted/ needed to be a Detached Parent, but the pressure to prioritize my children's needs was immense. Every time I tried to step back, there was someone there guilting me, shaming me, to do more. (I will admit that often that person was myself - like most women, I'd been taught practically from birth that it was my job to be the nurturer). What kind of horrible parent doesn't do everything possible for their child?! (Hint: the answer is: a healthy one!)
Finding the Joy When I decided to choose joy, I was finally able to step back and became more of a detached parent. I gave myself permission to change my priorities. To put me first, then my marriage, then the family as a whole, and then my child.
Prioritizing Yourself, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order
The rest of my children were suffering from my inability to do it all. There weren't enough hours in the day for everyone. I had to stop prioritizing based on the "squeaky wheel" principle. It was benefiting no one. Not even the squeaky wheel.
Parenting with Love and Logic
This book gives lots of practical advice that is great for helping me stay calm, and stop rescuing and controlling my kids. It also gave me ideas of consequences and realistic expectations, and I used it to help me devise logical consequences for the FAIR Club (Parenting Teens with Love and Logic is good too!).
HOWEVER! You have to keep in mind that these books are written for kids who are attached and capable of feeling guilt (and therefore want to please their parents and care if Mom and Dad are upset with them) and are cognitively able to understand consequences. {Using the FAIR Club with Kids of Trauma}
Detachment Parenting with Teens
At What Point Do You Let Go?
It took me quite a while to understand and accept the fact that my son was going to need Structure and Support for the rest of his life and for me to feel it was OK to fight the system for him to get that structure. For many years, I had a ton of angst about how to handle my son turning 18. There is a LOT of pressure to "lighten up" and give our kids the "freedom" to make mistakes, because "he's going to have to deal with the real world soon." {18 Is Not The Finish Line}
While he was a teen, we provided that structure, and let him know that while he lived under our roof, this was the type of parenting he would receive. We were all relieved when he moved out (which was inevitable because he didn't think he needed this level of structure), even as we worried about what would happen to him.
While he was a teen, we provided that structure, and let him know that while he lived under our roof, this was the type of parenting he would receive. We were all relieved when he moved out (which was inevitable because he didn't think he needed this level of structure), even as we worried about what would happen to him.
{His almost immediate incarceration proved, to me at least, that he subconsciously knew he needed structure and found a way to get it.}
Maintaining the level of structure our son needed is exhausting, even when you're as detached as possible. Once again, I had to focus on Self-Care to heal from Caregiver/ Compassion Fatigue and Continuous Traumatic Stress (CTS).
Detachment Parenting Children in Adult Bodies
Detaching from the Detached Child
Maintaining the level of structure our son needed is exhausting, even when you're as detached as possible. Once again, I had to focus on Self-Care to heal from Caregiver/ Compassion Fatigue and Continuous Traumatic Stress (CTS).
Detachment Parenting Children in Adult Bodies
Detaching from the Detached Child
You Have Not Failed
With my son (13.5 when he came to us), it was easier to detach once I accepted that I hadn't failed. I didn't/ couldn't have a loving relationship with my son - it's not possible to have a relationship with someone incapable of having a relationship (especially when you meet that child as a raging, mentally ill teen). {Relationships, Relationships (Cont.)} Of course, I didn't just decide this and stop caring, but with a lot of support, I was finally able to stop stressing about that which I could not change and start healing. {You Have Not Failed}
Outside Structure
There are only a couple of ways to get the type of structure that children like ours need, and our son wasn't eligible for the military. I admit it was validating when our son was quickly incarcerated after leaving our home. He finally got the structure that I'd been saying all along that he desperately needed. He will most likely be in and out of prison for the rest of his life. {He was arrested almost immediately after graduating high school and has only managed to stay out of jail/prison for a few months at a time in the 8 years since then.}
With my son (13.5 when he came to us), it was easier to detach once I accepted that I hadn't failed. I didn't/ couldn't have a loving relationship with my son - it's not possible to have a relationship with someone incapable of having a relationship (especially when you meet that child as a raging, mentally ill teen). {Relationships, Relationships (Cont.)} Of course, I didn't just decide this and stop caring, but with a lot of support, I was finally able to stop stressing about that which I could not change and start healing. {You Have Not Failed}
Outside Structure
There are only a couple of ways to get the type of structure that children like ours need, and our son wasn't eligible for the military. I admit it was validating when our son was quickly incarcerated after leaving our home. He finally got the structure that I'd been saying all along that he desperately needed. He will most likely be in and out of prison for the rest of his life. {He was arrested almost immediately after graduating high school and has only managed to stay out of jail/prison for a few months at a time in the 8 years since then.}
Now, he calls my husband instead of me because he knows my husband is more likely to give him money. He only calls when he wants money. I no longer feel guilty about the fact that I don't answer his calls. I try to stay out of all of his drama.
Detaching From the Insecurely Attached Child
For me, it's harder to practice detachment parenting with my daughter (11 when she came to us). She IS attached (anxiously attached, but attached). Emotionally she's only about 12-14 years old, but in the eyes of the world (and the law), she's 25.
Stepping Back from Therapeutic Parenting
The world says she's an adult, but she is not. Emotionally/ Developmentally she is much younger. How do I detach from a "young" child in an adult body? {Giving Until There's Nothing Left - But My Child NEEDS Me!}
I found it was much easier to step back with my son than with my vulnerable daughter {because she's female? because she tends to have "victim" written all over her? because she can get pregnant?... all of the above? I'm not sure.}
9 years of intense Attachment Therapy with her needing me to provide most of her emotional regulation (and being her frontal lobe), accommodating the world for her, being her case manager and Rep Payee... and now I'm having to redefine what our relationship should look like.
Therapeutically Parenting the Adult Child
I tried to continue to be a therapeutic parent after my daughter turned 18 and it worked somewhat while she was in high school {she graduated a couple of months after turning 19}, but she was very resentful of it (especially because she was receiving a lot of validation from her friends, biofamily, and teachers). This damaged our relationship.
After graduation, she still desperately needed the structure and support of therapeutic parenting, but society was telling her she was an adult and therefore not only had a right to but deserved all the adult privileges (driving, living in her own place, being able to come and go without telling anyone, getting a pet, handling her own money, going to college, drinking, sex...) even though she could handle none of the responsibilities (paying bills, dealing with insurance, budgeting, housing, health, hygiene...).
I've struggled for years with where to draw the line.
- Adult Boarder vs "Family Girl" When I try to step back, it triggers her feelings of abandonment. She feels rejected and lashes out, usually by doing things she knows I wouldn't approve of (unprotected sex, drinking, running to biofamily...).
- How To Get Treated Like An Adult
- Boarder Agreement
- When an Adult Child Moves Out
- 18 Is Not The Finish Line
I finally decided that for everyone's sake, I needed to back off - To be a Detached Parent. I was exhausted and being the Little Red Hen was slowly killing me. I hated being resentful and angry all the time.
I'll admit that backing off is frustrating as hell because deep down, I know it's not really in her best interest and I'm making more work for myself in the future. {when she gets pregnant, when I have to deal with yet another marathon session of helping her through an emotional breakdown, when she possibly burns down the house, when she asks for more money for food and/or medicine, when we get overrun by bugs and rodents because she keeps food and who knows what all in her room...).
I worked hard to change my role to "life coach" and "case manager/ representative" and I'm slowly getting better at letting go
I still listen when she vents about her boyfriend, friends, and co-workers, and give her my advice when asked, but just as often, I cut her off and let her know I'm busy.
I tried not to let my resentment color our relationship. It did get easier over time.
What Our Lives Look Like Now
I still struggle with setting boundaries and remaining detached. I slip a lot, especially when it is something that is unsafe or could have life-changing consequences (like pregnancy or losing her SSI).
I still struggle with setting boundaries and remaining detached. I slip a lot, especially when it is something that is unsafe or could have life-changing consequences (like pregnancy or losing her SSI).
Kitty decided to move in with her boyfriend. While we doubted seriously that it would end well, we finally decided not to intervene. The respite was greatly appreciated and at the time, that alone was probably worth the fallout when/if it fell apart. Of course, I did do everything I could think of to ensure she did not get pregnant. {When an Adult Child Moves Out}
She's happy being what she thinks of as a normal adult. Of course, she still has a lot of the support she needs (I handle her finances, her boyfriend handles a lot of the daily living stuff like paying rent and other bills, he and I both provide her with the emotional regulation she needs...). It's not ideal but for now, it's working.
Maturity
I have to admit she has surprised me. While she still has major issues (and always will), she has grown and matured a lot more than I thought she would ever be capable of. In the last 5 years, her emotional/developmental age has grown from about age 12 to what I would guess is 15/16 {She's 25}. She has managed to live semi-independently, finds, and occasionally keeps for a few months, a part-time job. Her panic attacks are still fairly frequent but she can usually handle the fallout with the help of myself and/or her boyfriend.
SSI (Social Security Income for people with Disabilities)
I have worked hard to get and keep my daughter on SSI. It requires almost constant case management. I am her Rep Payee, which means I am legally obligated to handle her finances including managing her living expenses (rent, food, utilities, miscellaneous). How this looks has varied over the years. {Getting SSI For Your Adult Child}
I have worked hard to get and keep my daughter on SSI. It requires almost constant case management. I am her Rep Payee, which means I am legally obligated to handle her finances including managing her living expenses (rent, food, utilities, miscellaneous). How this looks has varied over the years. {Getting SSI For Your Adult Child}
Unfortunately, she and her boyfriend have decided to get married. You're probably thinking, "What's the difference?" The difference is that marriage combines their incomes, which means that she'll no longer qualify for SSI, which is needs-based. {Marriage and SSI Benefits}
She cannot hold a job and is not really able to handle full-time work for very long, so most of her jobs have been part-time because as soon as she gets to full-time, she ends up leaving because she can't handle the stress, or being let go. Without SSI, she will lose her only steady income and Medicaid. She needs Medicaid to pay for her frequent doctor visits, therapy, and medications.
She cannot hold a job and is not really able to handle full-time work for very long, so most of her jobs have been part-time because as soon as she gets to full-time, she ends up leaving because she can't handle the stress, or being let go. Without SSI, she will lose her only steady income and Medicaid. She needs Medicaid to pay for her frequent doctor visits, therapy, and medications.
Backing Off
Unfortunately, she still wants to believe she's "normal." In her reality, she's able to work a full-time job (or two) and get medical benefits. Everything will work out... because she wants it to. It's so frustrating for me because it's impossible to have a discussion with logical reasons why this is not a good idea and won't work. Her reality is so distorted it's like arguing with a two-year-old (frustrating for both you and the child!). Accepting that I can't change this is incredibly difficult!
It's hard but I try to stay out of the drama, to give her my opinion only when asked, and then tell her, "It's your choice." If/when she brings it up again, especially if I think she really has forgotten what I said, I repeat "it's your choice" but most of the time, I just say, "You know how I feel about that" and move on (it usually helps to distract her with a subject change).
Sometimes when she asks my opinion, especially if I feel that she's dumping a problem on me, accusing me of something, and/or won't listen to my opinion anyway, I turn it back onto her and say things like,
"Wow, that sucks. How are you going to handle that?"
She made some REALLY horrible decisions but remaining detached has removed a lot of her defiance, improved our relationship, and made it possible for her to come back to me for advice and emotional support.
And most importantly, my life doesn't suck anymore.
