This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Thursday, April 5, 2018

FAIR Club Writing Assignment: Trust and Lies Article


10 Things You Need to Know About Lies & Lying

  1. Lying is the number one reason that people lose trust.
  2. The most common reason that people lie is to avoid confrontation. Getting in trouble is never fun but lying to avoid it is always a "band-aid" solution. When the truth comes out the confrontation is guaranteed to be even more unpleasant than it would have been without the lie. A lie compounds the problem, it doesn't solve it.
  3. Another common reason people lie is to make themselves seem "better" or more interesting. This sort of lying can be a sign of low self esteem, problems at home, or depression.
  4. Lies are like dominos - one lie can knock out whole relationships, destroy entire aspects of your life or even limit your future in unforeseeable ways.
  5. Lies are a gamble. Every time you lie you gamble with being caught.
  6. Lies have a way of getting out and coming back to haunt you.
  7. The worst lies are the ones you tell yourself. When you lie to others you are also lying to yourself.
  8. Chronic lying can signal a psychiatric or social disorder. If you find yourself "lying for no reason" or to cover up behavior that you know is harmful consider seeking professional help.
  9. Lies can damage your self image and cause inner conflicts (like dissonance) that drastically change the way you view, and act upon, the world and other people.
  10. "Little white lies" are lies that are told about superficial things and are told when the truth would only serve to hurt another person. They ARE NOT told to avoid confrontation or cover up the harmful actions of another person. For example: telling another friend that a haircut looks good when you don't really like it is a "little white lie", telling your parents that you are spending the night at a friend's house so that you can stay out past curfew is NOT.
 

The Real Reasons Parents Ask So Many Questions

(No, it isn't just to drive you crazy!)

Parents ask a lot of questions and it drives teens crazy. Despite what teen culture says parents don’t make inquiries in order to invade your privacy or control what you do. Parents ask questions because they care, because they’ve been a teen and want to spare you some of the more unpleasant experiences that seem to be common during adolescence, and because they want to keep you safe.
It is not a verbally inquisitive invasion of privacy that prompts your parents to ask, where you’re going, what will you be doing, when you expect to be home, and who you’ll be with, no, parents ask these things for one simple reason – they want to protect you. So it is a sad reality that many teens lie to their parents when they are asked questions about their plans. If you lie to your parents it could be yourself that you are harming the most.
Why? Not only does lying to your parents damage their trust but it has the potential to put you in real danger.
Let’s look at the four most common questions parents ask that teens lie about and examine how being anything but truthful could harm you in the end.

Common Question 1:
"Where are you going?"

The reason teens think parents ask this question.
The three most common reasons teens think parents ask this question are; to be nosey, to stop them from going, or to know where to go to check up or spy on them.

The real reason parents ask this question.
Parents really ask this question so that they can be sure that where you are going is safe, suitable for somebody your age and properly supervised. While it is possible that your parents would stop you from going somewhere unsafe, unsuitable or poorly supervised their motive for asking is not to ruin your fun but to make sure that you won’t be put in harms way.

The danger to YOU if you answer this question with a lie.
Teens who believe that their parents wouldn’t allow them to go where they want to go will often lie when asked this question, but lying could have some dire consequences. If you feel you have to lie about where you are going you should take a moment to reflect about why you are lying, do you know that where you want to go could pose a danger, even a remote one, and is this why you are covering up? If you lie to your parents about where you will be you put yourself at risk of not being able to get help if you need it, of your parents not being able to locate you if there is an emergency, of them being unable to give accurate information to law enforcement if something happens to you, and you will be more likely to engage in further risky behavior in order to keep your lie from coming to light. One example, if you lie about going to an un-chaperoned house party and find that your ride home is too drunk to drive you may be more likely get in their car because calling your parents for a safe ride home would expose the lie.


Common Question 2:
"What will you be doing?"

The reason teens think parents ask this question.
Again, the most common reasons that teens think parents ask this question is to invade their privacy or to exercise control over what they will be doing.

The real reason parents ask this question.
The reasons that parents ask this question are very similar to the reasons they ask where you are going; namely, they want to be sure you will not be taking unnecessary risks and that you will be safely supervised.

The danger to YOU if you answer this question with a lie.
When you lie to your parents about what you will be doing you may think it is harmless, after all if you are truthful about where you will be what does it matter what you plan to do while your there? But there are several things that can go wrong when you lie about what you will be doing. You may be afraid to tell your parents if something bad happens, you may be afraid to ask for their help during a crisis or unforeseen event because of your lie, and you may make it impossible for your parents to help you if you’re hurt since they won’t have an accurate picture about what led up to your injury. Also, if you lie about what you are doing chances are good that you shouldn’t be doing it and regardless of whether your parents ask you for details or not this should be enough to give you pause about your plans.


Common Question 3:
"When will you be home?"

The reason teens think parents ask this question.
As usual teens think parents ask this question to exercise control over their lives. More than lie about this teens are likely to say something like, “I don’t know,” “Before curfew,” or “I’ll call and let you know.”

The real reason parents ask this question.
Parents ask this question because they want to know when they can expect you home (duh!) but not so they can send out a search party if you are 20 minutes late. In fact the real reason parents ask this question may be a little bit selfish on their part. Of course your safety is important to your parents and knowing when to expect you home makes it easier for them to know when you may need help but there is another reason parents ask you this question. Parents ask this question because they never really rest until they know you are safe and knowing when to expect you home gives them peace of mind.

The danger to YOU if you answer this question with a lie.
The danger of lying when asked this question is pretty obvious; if you don’t tell your parents when you expect to be home they won’t know if you’re missing. If you get hurt your parents will know to sound the alarm sooner rather than later if they have a time to expect you home or a time when you will check in. Lie about this and you could end up losing precious time if you land in harms way.


Common Question 4:
"Who will you be with?"

The reason teens think parents ask this question.
The parents v. friends conflict is as old as time. While most parents like the people their teen is friends with there are times when friends and parents don’t really mesh. Sometimes the reasons behind the feud are valid and other times they are not but regardless if your parents don’t like one or more of your friends you should ask yourself why before continuing the friendship. The most common reason teens think parents want to know who they’ll be with is to stop them from being around friends they do not approve of.

The real reason parents ask this question.
Yes, there is some truth behind the idea that parents ask this question to make sure you aren’t spending time with people they do not like but the more pressing reason behind this question is much less ominous. The most common reason parents ask who you will be with is to know where to start looking if you are late or missing. Parents may also want to know who you’ll be with so they can touch base with other parents about where you’ll be, what you’ll be doing and when you’ll be back.

The danger to YOU if you answer this question with a lie.
When parents don’t like your friend or friends 9 times out of 10 it is with good reason. If you have fallen in with a bad crowd or are engaging in risky peer activities your parents will be unable to help you if you lie about who you are with. And again, because you told one lie you may continue to tell lies to cover it up and you may be less likely to ask for help when you really need it or when you know something is wrong out of fear of having to come clean about the initial lie.
Remember flat lying about your plans or who you’ll be with can do some real harm but leaving out important details, lying by omission, can do harm as well. Lies of omission are the kissing cousins of outright lying and the negative results are often one in the same. Honesty is always the best policy when your parents ask questions no matter why you think they may be asking. Giving away a little of your privacy is a small price to pay for building trust between you and your parents and for keeping you safe.


Recently you have lost many privileges because you have lost trust with the people who give you these privileges.  Answer the following questions as honestly and completely as you can.
1.  You are unable to go to the skating rink for 6 months
Who decided that you could no longer go to the rink? ______________ What was his/her stated reason? __________________________________________________________________________________
There were other incidents that happened before this one that led to this person losing trust with you and making this decision.  List 3 choices you have made that led this person losing trust with you and making this decision.
a.

b.

c.

 List 2 possible dangers (different from the stated reasons and choices you made leading to people's distrust of you) that the skating rink personnel might be trying to avoid by suspending kids they can't trust.
a.

b.

2.  You are not allowed to use the internet.
List at least 2 stated reasons that your parents gave for making this decision.
a.

b. 

List 3 choices you have made that led to your parents losing trust with you and making this decision.
a.

b.

c.

List 3 possible dangers (different from the stated reasons and choices you made leading to people's distrust of you) that your parents can't trust not to happen if you use the internet.
a. 

b.

c.

3.  You must be supervised at all times when you leave the house.
List at least 2 stated reasons that your parents gave for making this decision.
a.

b.

List 3 choices you have made that led to your parents losing trust with you and making this decision.
a.

b.

c.

List 5 possible dangers (different from the stated reasons and choices you made leading to people's distrust of you) your parents might worry about if a child they cannot trust lies about being supervised or sneaks around. 
a. 

b.

c.

d.

e.

4.  You cannot use your cell phone or talk on a cordless phone.
List at least 3 stated reasons that your parents gave for making this decision.
a.

b.

c.

List 3 choices you have made that led to your parents losing trust with you and making this decision.
a.

b.

c.

List 4 possible dangers (different from the stated reasons and choices you made leading to people's distrust of you) your parents might worry about if a child they cannot trust uses the phone.
a.

b.

c.

d.
 
5.  Your parents must do random searches of your stuff.
List at least 3 reasons that Arrow and child protective services gave for making this decision. 
a.

b.

c.

List 4 choices you made that led to these people losing trust with you and making this decision. 
a. 

b.

c.

d.

List 4 possible dangers (different from the stated reasons and choices you made leading to people's distrust of you) that these people might be worried about.
a.

b.

c.

d.

6.  You must be supervised when you are around money.
List at least 2 stated reasons that your parents gave for making this decision. 
a.

b.

List 3 choices you made that led to your parents losing trust with you and making this decision. 
a. 

b.

c.

List 2 possible dangers (different from the stated reasons and choices you made leading to people's distrust of you) that your parents might worry about if a child they cannot trust is around money.
a.

b.

7.  Write at least one paragraph, including a minimum of 7 things, that you can do to start regaining trust.


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