Child-to-Parent Violence
Abuse of parents by their children, also known as child-to-parent violence (CPV), is a form of domestic violence and is one of the most under-reported and under-researched subject areas in the field of psychology. Parents are quite often subject to levels of childhood aggression in excess of normal childhood aggressive outbursts, typically in the form of verbal or physical abuse. Parents feel a sense of shame and humiliation to have that problem, so they rarely seek help.
‘Parent abuse’ has been defined by Cottrell (2001, p. 3) as ‘any harmful act of a teenage child intended to gain power and control over a parent. The abuse can be physical, {verbal abuse (for example, swearing at or threatening a parent)}, psychological/emotional {such as intimidation, threats, gaslighting...}, or financial.’
It may be a one-time incident or it may escalate in frequency, even to the point of a daily occurrence. And although parental abuse is often associated with explosive anger and rage, the abusive behavior may occur with no emotion: a quiet, deliberate act of harm used by a teen to maintain power over a parent.
Though this type of abuse often takes place during the teen years (often from 12 to 17), it can happen earlier than that. There's been some reports of children younger than 10 years old.
Effect on Parents
The effects of experiencing abuse from one's child can be profound. In the short term, ongoing parent abuse has been found to impact on a parent's and other family members’ physical and psychological health, with specific negative emotions such as fear, shame, guilt, and despair commonly reported (Cottrell & Monk, 2004) Parental abuse can leave a person feeling embarrassed, ashamed, angry, terrified, and unsure of what to do. These are feelings that we call “parent paralyzers,” feelings so intense that they overtake logic and reason and leave us questioning ourselves and trapped in uncertainty about what direction to take.
Causes of CPV
The causes are yet to be properly studied, as there's still very little research on that, but three main variables have been suggested as possible contributors to child to parent abuse: the presence of a mental health condition, {special needs, ASD, FASD, brain injuries, impulse control issues...], attachment difficulties (which might or might not be related to a mental health issue), {substance abuse} and/or previous experiences of abuse {this can include witnessing acts of domestic violence}. [Or as is often the case with children of trauma, some combination of all of the above.]
Children within these risk groups may have “several overlapping issues”, says social worker and CPV campaigner Helen Bonnick. Early trauma, such as neglect or living with domestic violence, may have affected the way they react to stress – or had a modeling effect. Children who are abusing substances may lash out while intoxicated or demand money for drugs. They may be living with such high levels of anxiety that it takes very little to tip them into fight, flight or freeze.
~from the article Parental abuse by children
Tip of the Iceberg
In the US, recent estimates of the prevalence of child-on-parent violence range from 5% to 22% of families, which means several million U.S. families could be affected.
A 2008 study by the U.S. Justice Department found that while most domestic assault offenders are adults, about 1 in 12 who come to the attention of law enforcement are minors. In half of those cases, the victim was a parent, most often the mother.
In the UK, Met Police figures show that reports of child-to-parent violence (CPV) increased 95% from 920 in 2012 to 1,801 in 2016. However, it is difficult to know whether this is because the issue is more widespread or is reported more often.
“My feeling is that it is more widespread,” says social worker and CPV campaigner Helen Bonnick. “I am seeing lots of links with CPV and children and young people’s mental health – so if, as we are told, that is worsening you would expect there to be a knock-on effect.” [For those of us who only speak "American," - "Knock-on effect" appears to mean "causes other things to happen." - In other words, the increase in mental health issues will most likely mean an increase in Child to Parent Violence (CPV).]
What is clear, is that the problem is much wider than reported – “for very understandable reasons”, says Suzanne Jacob, chief executive of domestic abuse charity SafeLives. “Those who experience intimate partner violence only call the police at a rate of one in five. We can all see the reasons why you would be even less likely to call the police about your child – and not just the police – there is so much attached in terms of any stigma people feel, and in terms of worries about consequences for themselves and the child.”
Shame and fear can prevent parents from seeking the help they need – as can a lack of understanding from family, friends, and agencies. “The kind of dismissiveness people in previous times applied to intimate partner violence is still applied to CPV,” says Jacob. “People end up minimizing what is actually an incredibly serious issue in somebody’s home.”
The insidious nature of domestic abuse also plays its part. “It can build up gradually,” says Bonnick, who runs the campaigning and resource website Holes in the Wall. “It takes a while to acknowledge that you are being abused … because it’s become so normal,” she says.
Lack of services
“I think often people do ask for help and get knocked back – passed from one agency to another,” says Bonnick. “It can be very difficult to find where to go in the first place, and then even if you do approach an agency, what sort of help do you get?”
It’s a good question. The reality is that there is no national blueprint for dealing with CPV and the quality of help families receive is patchy. “What you get is pockets of good practice,” says Condry, “but a lot of areas where there is practically nothing.”
The United States currently protects abused children using Courts, Child Protective Services, and other agencies. The US also has Adult Protective Services which is provided to abused, neglected, or exploited older adults and adults with significant disabilities.
There are no agencies or programs that protect parents from abusive children, adolescents or teenagers other than giving up their Parental Rights to the state they live in.~from the article Parental abuse by children
Responding to Parental Abuse
By Kim Abraham, LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW
Aggressive and abusive behavior is not a part of typical childhood or adolescence. It’s not a stage that your teen will “grow out of” if you ignore it. If you’re dealing with parental abuse in your home, your child is violating the rights of others. It doesn’t matter that it’s his parent’s rights; that doesn’t make it any less serious or illegal. Your home is the place where your child will learn how to interact in the world. He is learning what’s acceptable — and what’s not. He’s learning about consequences for behavior and accountability.
One of the hardest tasks a parent can be faced with is responding to their own child’s aggression or abuse. It’s natural to feel torn. On one hand, it’s instinctual to protect your child. On the other hand, nothing can push a parent’s buttons of anger, disappointment, and hurt like a child’s abusive behavior. Some days you may feel emotionally stronger than others. Only you can decide what you’re able to follow through with at any given time. Here are some suggestions:
1. Clearly Communicate Boundaries
Make sure your child understands your physical and emotional boundaries. You may need to clearly state:
“It’s not okay to yell or push or hit me.”
If you’ve said this to your child in the past, but allowed her to cross those boundaries in the past without consequence, she’s gotten mixed messages. Your words have told her one set of boundaries but your actions (by accepting being yelled at or hit) have communicated another set of boundaries.
Make sure your non-verbal communication (what you do) matches your verbal communication (what you say).
2. Clearly Communicate Consequences For Abusive Behavior
Tell your teen:
“If you hit me, throw something at me, or otherwise hurt me physically, that’s called domestic violence and assault. Even though I love you, I will call the police and you will be held accountable for your behavior.”
Then – again – make sure your actions match your words. If you don’t think you can follow through with contacting the police – don’t say you will. This will only reinforce to your child that you make “threats” that won’t be carried out.
You may choose to provide other consequences, other than legal, that you enforce. If a friend physically assaulted you, would you let her borrow your car or give her spending money the next day? Probably not.
3. Contact the Authorities
We don’t say this lightly or without understanding how difficult this can be for a parent. Some parents are outraged at a teen’s abusive behavior and react: “I’ve got no problem calling the cops on my kid if he ever raises a hand to me!” Other parents struggle, worrying about the long term consequences of contacting the police or unable to handle the thought of their child facing charges.
Remember, if your teen is behaving violently toward you now, there is the risk that this will generalize to his future relationships with a spouse, his own children, or other members of society. You are not doing him a favor by allowing him to engage in this behavior without consequence.
Related content: When to Call the Police on Your Child
4. Get Support
Parental abuse is a form of domestic violence. It’s a serious issue and needs immediate attention and intervention. Domestic violence has traditionally been characterized by silence. As hard as it is, break that silence. Get support from family or friends – anyone you think will be supportive.
If your natural supports tend to judge you and you’re afraid it will only make the situation worse, contact a local domestic violence hotline, counselor, or support group. For support and resources in your community, you can also call 2-1-1 or visit 211.org, a free and confidential service through the United Way.
The road to a healthier relationship with your child will very likely take time. There’s no shortcut or quick fix. It starts with an acknowledgment of the issue and accountability. If you’re facing this issue in your family, we wish you strength and empowerment.
So What Do You Do About It?!
Some ideas (in no particular order):
Handling Rages
Handling Dysregulation and Meltdowns- helping them learn to regulate their own behavior independently. Calming and Relaxation Techniques
You Have not Failed!!
I had to reread this post (You Have not Failed!!) often after my son moved out and got into serious trouble. Part of me believed that I could have/ should have done more and that this was all my fault. One of the hardest (and most important) things I've done was to accept that I did the best I could and that was enough.
My Top 10ish Things I Couldn't Do This Without
Document, Document, Document! - this helps you get services for your child and can help protect you and your family from false allegations.
Call the Authorities
I know it's scary, but often it's best to get the authorities involved when your child is violent. In addition to protecting you and your family, this provides documentation, and can often give you access to services you might not normally be able to access.
Some authorities that might help:
Police, Mental Health Authority, Child Welfare Agency (Child Protective Services, Post Adoption Services, Adoption Agency...)
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) | En Español | If you’re unable to speak safely, you can log onto thehotline.org or text LOVEIS to 22522.
Understanding The Child's Behavior
Why Won't My Child Just Behave?
Why Do They Do That? If You Find Out I'm Not Perfect You'll Leave
Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?
Recognizing Triggers
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS, Randi Kreger - I found this book to be helpful for anyone dealing with a child with an attachment disorder, not necessarily borderline personality disorder. It helped me better understand why they acted this way, which helped me be more empathetic. It also helped me with setting boundaries when my kids were teenagers, all of them, not just the adopted ones.
Get Support!
Find people who "get it." Real-life, online... just find them, and share!! Remember, "You are not alone!" There are people out there who have been and/or are in similar situations. Reach out and ask for help and support - and accept it! You need help. You deserve help. Ask for it. Accept it. Please!
Diagnoses/Labels for Services
I found it helped to get full neuropsych evaluations to access services but all medical professionals, psychologists therapists. and even school evaluations can provide useful information. Trauma and other issues can cause results like IQ and mental health diagnoses can change dramatically. Try getting multiple assessments and then cherry-pick the results you need to get the services you want. [When Is a Label a Good Thing?]
[I carry a one-page document [Current Meds and Diagnoses Document] that has a summary of my child's information including diagnoses and medications. I'm the one that wrote it, so it is easily changeable. I could, and did, include (and/or leave out) whatever test results we needed to get what my child needed. To be clear, I did not falsify the information! I just carefully chose which to present and emphasize. [Persuasive Writing - How To Get Your Document Read].
Psych hospitalizations - Psych hospitals are designed for short-term crisis care only, but often just the fact that the child has been in a psych hospital is enough to open doors to services. Our insurance required that "all other interventions be tried" before it would pay for residential treatment so while multiple psych hospitalizations rarely changed/improved my child's current situation, they were helpful in getting our child into an RTC.
Most importantly, psych hospitalization allowed both our family and the child to get a little respite from each other in a way that ensured the child was safe - I quickly learned to stop feeling guilty about enjoying the break and using the time to recharge my batteries and spend time with the family.
.
Unfortunately, the psych hospitals often sent the child home before any changes had been made (even my child stating to the discharge nurse that she was actively suicidal didn't stop her from being sent home after the standard 4 days that was all our state Medicaid covered).
We did use a "revolving door" technique. The moment the child was suicidal/ aggressive again, we went right back to the ER/ psych hospital. I know one family that pretty much just circled the block (during which, the child was aggressive and threatening) and walked back in the front door to apply for admission.
Residential Treatment [Finding and Funding Residential Treatment (RTC/RTF)] - I know some parents worry that RTC will damage the parent-child attachment relationship but we didn't find that to be the case. Possibly because we stayed in touch with the child and took the child home again when they were released (something that didn't always happen before the child came to live with us).
PINS / CHINS Petition / YIC - Sometimes a teen's misconduct is so extreme or has been an ongoing problem for so long that his or her parents can no longer manage and feel they have no recourse but to remove the child from the home. His or her parents would have to go to their state's family court to file what is called a PINS (Persons in Need of Supervision) petition. In some states, it may be known as a CHINS (Children in Need of Supervision) petition or a YIC (Youth in Crisis) Law [Parental Options For Out-Of-Control 16-Year-Olds by Susan Price, Principal Legislative Analyst].
The process may vary somewhat from one state to another. Typically, before filing, the parents and child must meet with a representative of a government social-service agency, who attempts to resolve the family crisis and keep the case out of court. This step, called diversion, can last ninety days. If reconciliation proves unsuccessful, the parents may then file the petition asking the court to order supervision or treatment for the child. (Legal guardians, school districts, or social-service agencies charged with looking after a child may also file a PINS petition.)
The court will appoint an attorney for the young person and for the parents as well if they cannot afford one. While the case is under consideration, the teen will continue to live with his or her parents, unless the court decides that is an unwise arrangement. In that event, the teen may be released to the temporary care of a relative, foster care, or possibly a group home. A hearing is then held. The family may place the teen in either a treatment facility or in foster care. ~Out-of-Control Teens: PINS Petitions & the Juvenile Justice System
Juvenile Justice System - If a person commits a crime while still a dependent minor, then it is considered not a criminal act but a delinquent act. Accordingly, the case is heard in family court or juvenile court rather than in criminal court. Exceptions may be made, however, for minors who have perpetrated particularly serious or violent crimes, called designated felonies. They may be treated as juvenile offenders in a criminal court, although the criminal court may return the case to family court.
An initial hearing is held to determine whether or not the teenager should be released to his or her parent's custody and allowed to go home. With minor or first-time offenses, that's usually what happens. But if the teen is felt to be a danger to the community or unlikely to return to court, he or she can be detained in a locked or unlocked facility until his or her day in court.
A minor found guilty of a delinquent act may be sent to a detention center, a shelter, or even a boot camp. But the growing trend is to place teenagers in the least restrictive environment possible, such as a non-secure group home. Ideally, the teen can eventually come back home and return to school. The goal of the court is not to punish, it's to rehabilitate and create a productive adult capable of functioning in society. A delinquent act does not become part of a minor's criminal record; a designated felony, however, does. ~Out-of-Control Teens: PINS Petitions & the Juvenile Justice System
Legal Guardianship/ "Rehoming" - whether with a relative, friend, or someone else, one option might be to temporarily (or permanently) place the child with another family. Be aware that there can be many legal and other repercussions from this and it is strongly advised that you do a LOT of research and discuss it with a family law attorney.
Emancipation - A teen who wishes to live on his or her own legally, without running away from home, can appeal to the family court for a declaration of emancipation. Emancipation grants many rights of adulthood to teens who are approved by the court.
The criteria for emancipation vary according to jurisdiction. In some states, children as young as age fourteen may seek legal independence. It helps if the child can prove that being emancipated from the parent(s) is in his/her best interest and can prove that he/she can financially support him/herself financially and are capable of making decisions independently. Other criteria frequently include marriage, parenthood, or enlistment in the armed forces. Emancipation is also sometimes granted if the parents give their permission. Parents can remain involved with emancipated teens pending court approval. ~What You Need to Know to Become an Emancipated Minor
Joint/Shared Custody with the State - This can be the equivalent of voluntarily placing the child in foster care with the parent retaining a limited amount of control over the child's care/ placement. Unfortunately, parental rights might be involuntarily terminated if a child is placed in foster care. However, this is up to a judge and the likelihood of this occurring varies from state to state. Also, some states may require the parent(s) to pay child support to the state.
Terminating Parental Rights - To get the child access to mental health services that the family can't afford and/or access, to ensure the child's safety (from him/herself and/or others), and/or to protect family members from a violent, dangerous child, some families have felt their only option is to legally terminate their parental rights.
Voluntary Termination of Parental Rights - Courts will not grant voluntary termination of parental rights unless parents can objectively prove this is in the best interest of the child. (This is where all that documentation comes in [Document! Document!! Document!!!]). Judges are generally hesitant to terminate parental rights, even if they're being given up voluntarily. Consult a family law attorney to figure out how to best argue for the termination of parental rights. He or she can help you draft a strong statement illustrating why giving up your parental rights is in the child's best interest.
This may mean admitting to fault on your part - which, unfortunately, can lead to criminal charges for "child abuse" (child "abandonment" can be considered abuse) and even lead to the loss of custody of other children in the home. Parents who work in helping fields (teachers, medical professionals, police officers...) risk losing their careers if they are convicted of child abuse.
Involuntary termination of parental rights - Legally terminating parental rights through the courts can occur when "the parent has failed to correct the conditions and/or parental behaviors that led to State intervention and is unable to provide a safe home for the child, despite reasonable efforts by the State agency to provide services to prevent out-of-home placement or to achieve family reunification after out-of-home placement."
“Psychiatric lockout” - When the child goes into a hospital for psychiatric care, the parent has to refuse to pick the child up. The hospital may call and call and call, but the parent repeats, ‘I’m not coming.’ It may sound cruel, but there’s a goal: once the parent refuses to pick up the child, DCFS takes custody of that child. That means, legally, the state has to give the child the mental health services he/she requires. This can include a residential program --one of the services many states don't fund and that families often can’t afford on their own. ~Excruciating Choice: Trading Parental Custody For Mental Health Care
By Shannon Heffernan
Because legally this can be called "Child Abandonment" the parent(s) will most likely lose parental rights.
Prioritizing Yourself, Your Marriage, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order
Protect yourself and the rest of your family and prioritize the needs of the family as a whole!
Continuous Traumatic Stress(CTS) - When Your PTSD is Not Post/Past Yet What to do when you are burnt out, empty, drained physically/mentally/emotionally, have 'Caregiver Fatigue'...
Prioritizing Yourself
I know it probably sounds impossible but you HAVE TO put yourself first. It's not selfish. It doesn't make you a bad parent. Like they say on an airplane, you have to put the mask on yourself first before attending to the needs of others. If you are completely drained, there is nothing left for ANYONE. I know many Trauma Mamas who after years of damage caused by stress and trauma (and lack of sleep!) have permanently damaged their health and immune system.
One of my biggest regrets is that my "squeaky wheel" kids drained all my time and energy leaving nothing for my family.
Marriage - Keeping it together
My marriage suffered (many trauma mamas I know are now divorced). Since the kids will (hopefully) be out of the house eventually and Hubby is the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with. I've learned that next to myself, my marriage
Parenting Biokids And Adopted Kids Together
Especially now that my kids are adults, I realize that having scary, severely mentally ill siblings was not the biggest problem for my biokids.
In addition to missing the happy memories, fun, family stuff like vacations, baking cookies together, and hanging out at the neighborhood pool, we missed a lot of the important-to-kids stuff like attending sporting events or seeing Bob's art displays on Parent's Night at school because we talked to Kitty's teachers instead.
Also, there were also a lot of issues that I didn't catch. I didn't discover until his junior year in high school that Ponito had severe ADD causing him to almost flunk out of high school despite having an extremely high IQ. It wasn't until they were in their 20s that one of my children finally confided to me that they'd been sexually molested as a teen.
Looking back, it breaks my heart that I spent most of my children's childhoods being so busy and overwhelmed that I missed out on so much of the important stuff.
I wish someone had told me that it was OK not to focus everything on trying to heal one or two kids. That even if my efforts were 100% successful (which did not happen and was never going to be possible) it was not worth the sacrifice.
I'm not saying we shouldn't have adopted (although that might be true). I'm saying that I should have prioritized maintaining a balance.
Resource Posts:
Prevention/ Setting Up A Successful Environment For The Child
Structure and Caring Support
Therapeutic Parenting Based on Emotional/ Developmental Age
Chores, Responsibilities, and Other Things My Kids Can't Handle
Setting Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for the safety of the child and the family but when dealing with an aggressive/ out-of-control child, especially when your life hasn't been set up that way from the beginning... it can feel impossible. This post has a lot of information about how we handled it - Structure and Caring Support.
Therapeutic Parenting Based on Emotional/ Developmental Age
Chores, Responsibilities, and Other Things My Kids Can't Handle
Setting Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for the safety of the child and the family but when dealing with an aggressive/ out-of-control child, especially when your life hasn't been set up that way from the beginning... it can feel impossible. This post has a lot of information about how we handled it - Structure and Caring Support.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS, Randi Kreger - I found this book to be helpful for anyone dealing with a child with an attachment disorder, not necessarily borderline personality disorder. It helped me better understand why they acted this way, which helped me be more empathetic. It also helped me with setting boundaries when my kids were teenagers, all of them, not just the adopted ones.
Get Support!
Find people who "get it." Real-life, online... just find them, and share!! Remember, "You are not alone!" There are people out there who have been and/or are in similar situations. Reach out and ask for help and support - and accept it! You need help. You deserve help. Ask for it. Accept it. Please!
Diagnoses/Labels for Services
I found it helped to get full neuropsych evaluations to access services but all medical professionals, psychologists therapists. and even school evaluations can provide useful information. Trauma and other issues can cause results like IQ and mental health diagnoses can change dramatically. Try getting multiple assessments and then cherry-pick the results you need to get the services you want. [When Is a Label a Good Thing?]
[I carry a one-page document [Current Meds and Diagnoses Document] that has a summary of my child's information including diagnoses and medications. I'm the one that wrote it, so it is easily changeable. I could, and did, include (and/or leave out) whatever test results we needed to get what my child needed. To be clear, I did not falsify the information! I just carefully chose which to present and emphasize. [Persuasive Writing - How To Get Your Document Read].
Psych hospitalizations - Psych hospitals are designed for short-term crisis care only, but often just the fact that the child has been in a psych hospital is enough to open doors to services. Our insurance required that "all other interventions be tried" before it would pay for residential treatment so while multiple psych hospitalizations rarely changed/improved my child's current situation, they were helpful in getting our child into an RTC.
Most importantly, psych hospitalization allowed both our family and the child to get a little respite from each other in a way that ensured the child was safe - I quickly learned to stop feeling guilty about enjoying the break and using the time to recharge my batteries and spend time with the family.
.
Unfortunately, the psych hospitals often sent the child home before any changes had been made (even my child stating to the discharge nurse that she was actively suicidal didn't stop her from being sent home after the standard 4 days that was all our state Medicaid covered).
We did use a "revolving door" technique. The moment the child was suicidal/ aggressive again, we went right back to the ER/ psych hospital. I know one family that pretty much just circled the block (during which, the child was aggressive and threatening) and walked back in the front door to apply for admission.
Residential Treatment [Finding and Funding Residential Treatment (RTC/RTF)] - I know some parents worry that RTC will damage the parent-child attachment relationship but we didn't find that to be the case. Possibly because we stayed in touch with the child and took the child home again when they were released (something that didn't always happen before the child came to live with us).
PINS / CHINS Petition / YIC - Sometimes a teen's misconduct is so extreme or has been an ongoing problem for so long that his or her parents can no longer manage and feel they have no recourse but to remove the child from the home. His or her parents would have to go to their state's family court to file what is called a PINS (Persons in Need of Supervision) petition. In some states, it may be known as a CHINS (Children in Need of Supervision) petition or a YIC (Youth in Crisis) Law [Parental Options For Out-Of-Control 16-Year-Olds by Susan Price, Principal Legislative Analyst].
The process may vary somewhat from one state to another. Typically, before filing, the parents and child must meet with a representative of a government social-service agency, who attempts to resolve the family crisis and keep the case out of court. This step, called diversion, can last ninety days. If reconciliation proves unsuccessful, the parents may then file the petition asking the court to order supervision or treatment for the child. (Legal guardians, school districts, or social-service agencies charged with looking after a child may also file a PINS petition.)
The court will appoint an attorney for the young person and for the parents as well if they cannot afford one. While the case is under consideration, the teen will continue to live with his or her parents, unless the court decides that is an unwise arrangement. In that event, the teen may be released to the temporary care of a relative, foster care, or possibly a group home. A hearing is then held. The family may place the teen in either a treatment facility or in foster care. ~Out-of-Control Teens: PINS Petitions & the Juvenile Justice System
Juvenile Justice System - If a person commits a crime while still a dependent minor, then it is considered not a criminal act but a delinquent act. Accordingly, the case is heard in family court or juvenile court rather than in criminal court. Exceptions may be made, however, for minors who have perpetrated particularly serious or violent crimes, called designated felonies. They may be treated as juvenile offenders in a criminal court, although the criminal court may return the case to family court.
An initial hearing is held to determine whether or not the teenager should be released to his or her parent's custody and allowed to go home. With minor or first-time offenses, that's usually what happens. But if the teen is felt to be a danger to the community or unlikely to return to court, he or she can be detained in a locked or unlocked facility until his or her day in court.
A minor found guilty of a delinquent act may be sent to a detention center, a shelter, or even a boot camp. But the growing trend is to place teenagers in the least restrictive environment possible, such as a non-secure group home. Ideally, the teen can eventually come back home and return to school. The goal of the court is not to punish, it's to rehabilitate and create a productive adult capable of functioning in society. A delinquent act does not become part of a minor's criminal record; a designated felony, however, does. ~Out-of-Control Teens: PINS Petitions & the Juvenile Justice System
Legal Guardianship/ "Rehoming" - whether with a relative, friend, or someone else, one option might be to temporarily (or permanently) place the child with another family. Be aware that there can be many legal and other repercussions from this and it is strongly advised that you do a LOT of research and discuss it with a family law attorney.
Emancipation - A teen who wishes to live on his or her own legally, without running away from home, can appeal to the family court for a declaration of emancipation. Emancipation grants many rights of adulthood to teens who are approved by the court.
The criteria for emancipation vary according to jurisdiction. In some states, children as young as age fourteen may seek legal independence. It helps if the child can prove that being emancipated from the parent(s) is in his/her best interest and can prove that he/she can financially support him/herself financially and are capable of making decisions independently. Other criteria frequently include marriage, parenthood, or enlistment in the armed forces. Emancipation is also sometimes granted if the parents give their permission. Parents can remain involved with emancipated teens pending court approval. ~What You Need to Know to Become an Emancipated Minor
Last Resorts
Joint/Shared Custody with the State - This can be the equivalent of voluntarily placing the child in foster care with the parent retaining a limited amount of control over the child's care/ placement. Unfortunately, parental rights might be involuntarily terminated if a child is placed in foster care. However, this is up to a judge and the likelihood of this occurring varies from state to state. Also, some states may require the parent(s) to pay child support to the state.
Second Time Foster Child: One Family's Fight for Their Son's Mental Healthcare and Preservation of Their Family by Toni HoyAs an infant, Daniel entered the foster care system as a result of severe neglect, which manifested in violence and aggression later in his childhood after he was adopted by Jim and Toni Hoy. Denied the opportunity to get him into a residential treatment center and keep their other children safe, Jim and Toni were given two options by the state of Illinois: "If you bring him home, we're going to charge you with child endangerment for failure to protect your other kids.And if you leave him at the hospital, we'll charge you with neglect." "If any of our other kids got hurt, once we brought him home, they would take the other kids," Jim says. "They put our backs against the wall, and they didn't give us any options."
The Hoys were investigated by DCFS and charged with neglect. They appealed in court and the charge was later amended to a "no-fault dependency," meaning the child entered state custody at no fault of the parents.
Mental health professionals recommended abandoning Daniel at the hospital after the state denied all viable sources of funding for his treatment. So Daniel re-entered the foster care system for no other reason than he was mentally ill.
A year later, Daniel’s mother discovered that his treatment was covered by a funding source that he was awarded as part of his special needs adoption. For two years they fought the state government to re-gain custody of their son and get the services he needed. Their fight eventually led to the Illinois Custody Relinquishment Prevention Act, which became law in 2015, orders six state agencies that interact with children and families to intervene when a family is considering giving up custody to get access to services.
Terminating Parental Rights - To get the child access to mental health services that the family can't afford and/or access, to ensure the child's safety (from him/herself and/or others), and/or to protect family members from a violent, dangerous child, some families have felt their only option is to legally terminate their parental rights.
Voluntary Termination of Parental Rights - Courts will not grant voluntary termination of parental rights unless parents can objectively prove this is in the best interest of the child. (This is where all that documentation comes in [Document! Document!! Document!!!]). Judges are generally hesitant to terminate parental rights, even if they're being given up voluntarily. Consult a family law attorney to figure out how to best argue for the termination of parental rights. He or she can help you draft a strong statement illustrating why giving up your parental rights is in the child's best interest.
This may mean admitting to fault on your part - which, unfortunately, can lead to criminal charges for "child abuse" (child "abandonment" can be considered abuse) and even lead to the loss of custody of other children in the home. Parents who work in helping fields (teachers, medical professionals, police officers...) risk losing their careers if they are convicted of child abuse.
Involuntary termination of parental rights - Legally terminating parental rights through the courts can occur when "the parent has failed to correct the conditions and/or parental behaviors that led to State intervention and is unable to provide a safe home for the child, despite reasonable efforts by the State agency to provide services to prevent out-of-home placement or to achieve family reunification after out-of-home placement."
“Psychiatric lockout” - When the child goes into a hospital for psychiatric care, the parent has to refuse to pick the child up. The hospital may call and call and call, but the parent repeats, ‘I’m not coming.’ It may sound cruel, but there’s a goal: once the parent refuses to pick up the child, DCFS takes custody of that child. That means, legally, the state has to give the child the mental health services he/she requires. This can include a residential program --one of the services many states don't fund and that families often can’t afford on their own. ~Excruciating Choice: Trading Parental Custody For Mental Health Care
By Shannon Heffernan
Because legally this can be called "Child Abandonment" the parent(s) will most likely lose parental rights.
Obviously, terminating parental rights is considered a last resort.
DON'T MAKE THE MISTAKE OF SACRIFICING EVERYTHING FOR ONE CHILD!!
Prioritizing Yourself, Your Marriage, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order
Protect yourself and the rest of your family and prioritize the needs of the family as a whole!
Continuous Traumatic Stress(CTS) - When Your PTSD is Not Post/Past Yet What to do when you are burnt out, empty, drained physically/mentally/emotionally, have 'Caregiver Fatigue'...
Prioritizing Yourself
I know it probably sounds impossible but you HAVE TO put yourself first. It's not selfish. It doesn't make you a bad parent. Like they say on an airplane, you have to put the mask on yourself first before attending to the needs of others. If you are completely drained, there is nothing left for ANYONE. I know many Trauma Mamas who after years of damage caused by stress and trauma (and lack of sleep!) have permanently damaged their health and immune system.
One of my biggest regrets is that my "squeaky wheel" kids drained all my time and energy leaving nothing for my family.
Self-Care: Caring For The Caregiver
Giving Until There's Nothing Left (But My Child NEEDS Me!
Finding The Joy
Getting Respite
Marriage - Keeping it together
My marriage suffered (many trauma mamas I know are now divorced). Since the kids will (hopefully) be out of the house eventually and Hubby is the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with. I've learned that next to myself, my marriage
Parenting Biokids And Adopted Kids Together
Especially now that my kids are adults, I realize that having scary, severely mentally ill siblings was not the biggest problem for my biokids.
In addition to missing the happy memories, fun, family stuff like vacations, baking cookies together, and hanging out at the neighborhood pool, we missed a lot of the important-to-kids stuff like attending sporting events or seeing Bob's art displays on Parent's Night at school because we talked to Kitty's teachers instead.
Also, there were also a lot of issues that I didn't catch. I didn't discover until his junior year in high school that Ponito had severe ADD causing him to almost flunk out of high school despite having an extremely high IQ. It wasn't until they were in their 20s that one of my children finally confided to me that they'd been sexually molested as a teen.
Looking back, it breaks my heart that I spent most of my children's childhoods being so busy and overwhelmed that I missed out on so much of the important stuff.
I wish someone had told me that it was OK not to focus everything on trying to heal one or two kids. That even if my efforts were 100% successful (which did not happen and was never going to be possible) it was not worth the sacrifice.
I'm not saying we shouldn't have adopted (although that might be true). I'm saying that I should have prioritized maintaining a balance.
There is no right way to parent, and even if you could do everything "right" that does not ensure the outcome you want, or that it will happen when you want it to.
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