Kitty's visiting hours are 12 to 1 and 5 to 7pm. Wednesday and Thursday we had appointments at the hospital so saw her at times other than visiting hours. Friday though we had therapy appointments across town during her visiting times so didn't get to see her or talk to her. She was very upset by this.
Kitty called the house to talk to us in the evening, but we of course weren't there. She got hold of Bear. I don't know what she said to him, but he was pretty upset by it. He claimed she asked a lot of questions that he couldn't answer (being asked questions bothers him a lot anyway). One of them I know was when she would be released. Bear has been repeating often that Kitty is not ready to come home and should not be released.
Attachment therapist (AT) therapy
Our first appointment was with the attachment therapist. She has been working with Kitty for over two years. We talked about ways I can help Kitty when she is feeling that someone is taking things away from her or that we love the biokids more than her.
Kitty is chronologically almost 14 (her birthday is Monday), but of course because of her issues and trauma she is developmentally only about 4 years old (when she's not in a meltdown of course). She'd gotten up to about age 6, but has been regressing a lot lately. Of course the biokids are much "older" and have many more responsibilities and privileges. Kitty feels this is incredibly unfair (as do the biokids -for different reasons of course).
Kitty is always telling me that the difference in the way we treat the children means I love them more than her. I anguish over trying to explain it to her without making her think I am putting her down. I find myself trying not to treat the other children special in any way and keep things "fair." Which of course is NOT fair.
The AT gave me some insight into my feelings and some words to use... the gist of which was a lot of sympathy and reassurance. "That doesn't feel fair does it?! " She also suggested I lighten up a little. For example, I haven't been allowing Kitty to watch a lot of movies because they trigger issues. She suggested I start allowing them, but only with me there to help regulate her. To stop the movie if she is getting upset and help her calm. To sit with her, possibly even in my lap.
We talked about some alternatives to help Kitty. One thing I suggested to reduce her stress level was to pull Kitty from school and homeschool for the rest of the school year. Hubby thinks Kitty will make me insane (OK, more so than I already am!). The AT thought there are a lot of advantages to his plan, including reducing Kitty's stress and reestablishing the bond with me. We'll need this to be the recommendation of the psychiatric hospital though or the school will not allow the homebound tutoring we'll need. Plus this way we can blame it on the hospital to avoid Kitty's resentment about being pulled from school being directed toward me/us. We haven't been able to get hold of anyone at the hospital to request this though.
We also talked about Reiki and tapping. The AT is very interested in Reiki (and has plans to become trained in it). She thinks it would be wonderful for me, Bob, and other members of the family, but is concerned about using it with Kitty as it involves laying down (might cause issues for Kitty), but more importantly she is afraid that it will help Kitty open up. Just like EMDR seemed to have opened a big can of worms for Kitty (that she is still unable to process), we're afraid that Reiki would do the same thing. I did go ahead and pick up a book about it at the Half Price Bookstore tonight.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Therapy and more therapy
After meeting the psychiatrist the first day Kitty was there, we found out from Kitty that the hospital hadn't given Kitty her night meds (despite repeated reminders/requests on our part). We even had the meds in their prescription bottles there. So she ended up not sleeping well the first night. Very frustrating.
Kitty is on a dose of Trileptal (3000mg if that means anything to you) that was so high they called us, the pharmacy, and her psychiatrist to confirm it. The hospital psychiatrist informed us that they were going to reduce her Trileptal to a dose that is appropriate for her age and size, and were thinking about adding or changing her to Abilify. After much discussion between her regular psychiatrist and the hospital's psychiatrist we were informed that they decided to make no med changes.
Of course she is doing well in the hospital. The social worker/therapist said she will probably be released this weekend. Most likely tomorrow. We now know that insurance rarely pays for more than 4 days so we weren't surprised (this time). We've heard nothing since, but last time we got a call at about 9am informing us we needed to pick her up by noon. We're assuming it will be the same this time.
Yesterday we had "family" therapy. We basically explained a little about what brought Kitty there again (it's only been 3 months), and what we guessed she'd been saying in therapy (She's afraid her sister because she can beat her up, her little brother is spoiled rotten, we love the bio kids more...). Let's just say we hit it on the head exactly (and then we clarified the distortions in Kitty's thinking). The therapist ended up saying what a great job we were doing (nice to hear, but frustrating because that's what all therapists say when they don't really know what to do with our kids.).
The therapist asked what we wanted to accomplish with this session. Truthfully we don't have a lot of expectations from hospitalization anymore so we just told her we wanted to try to get Kitty to understand that she needed therapy. She brought Kitty in. Kitty hugged Hubby and I (yea!) and then asked if this meant she wasn't going to get snack. (sigh! That's my baby!). (The therapist reassured her she would). Kitty was sleepy and distracted most of the time. Not completely dissociated, but close.
The therapist did most of the talking. She pretty much told Kitty she needed therapy and that she needed to participate in therapy. I was actually fairly impressed with the therapist's handling of Kitty. Kitty of course agreed with everything the therapist said. As soon as the therapist appeared to be done, Kitty got up, hugged me, stumbled over Hubby and hugged him on the way past, walked out of the door and shut it.
Apparently we were dismissed. The therapist seemed a little surprised, but this was the second day in a row that she'd done this to us so Hubby and I just looked at each other and laughed a little. (that's our girl!)
Today Hubby and I went to therapy with the attachment therapist at 11am and then at 5:30pm saw the EMDR therapist (who isn't seeing Kitty anymore, but is still very involved with the family and is starting work with Bear). More on that next post. Hubby is finally ready to sleep.
Kitty is on a dose of Trileptal (3000mg if that means anything to you) that was so high they called us, the pharmacy, and her psychiatrist to confirm it. The hospital psychiatrist informed us that they were going to reduce her Trileptal to a dose that is appropriate for her age and size, and were thinking about adding or changing her to Abilify. After much discussion between her regular psychiatrist and the hospital's psychiatrist we were informed that they decided to make no med changes.
Of course she is doing well in the hospital. The social worker/therapist said she will probably be released this weekend. Most likely tomorrow. We now know that insurance rarely pays for more than 4 days so we weren't surprised (this time). We've heard nothing since, but last time we got a call at about 9am informing us we needed to pick her up by noon. We're assuming it will be the same this time.
Yesterday we had "family" therapy. We basically explained a little about what brought Kitty there again (it's only been 3 months), and what we guessed she'd been saying in therapy (She's afraid her sister because she can beat her up, her little brother is spoiled rotten, we love the bio kids more...). Let's just say we hit it on the head exactly (and then we clarified the distortions in Kitty's thinking). The therapist ended up saying what a great job we were doing (nice to hear, but frustrating because that's what all therapists say when they don't really know what to do with our kids.).
The therapist asked what we wanted to accomplish with this session. Truthfully we don't have a lot of expectations from hospitalization anymore so we just told her we wanted to try to get Kitty to understand that she needed therapy. She brought Kitty in. Kitty hugged Hubby and I (yea!) and then asked if this meant she wasn't going to get snack. (sigh! That's my baby!). (The therapist reassured her she would). Kitty was sleepy and distracted most of the time. Not completely dissociated, but close.
The therapist did most of the talking. She pretty much told Kitty she needed therapy and that she needed to participate in therapy. I was actually fairly impressed with the therapist's handling of Kitty. Kitty of course agreed with everything the therapist said. As soon as the therapist appeared to be done, Kitty got up, hugged me, stumbled over Hubby and hugged him on the way past, walked out of the door and shut it.
Apparently we were dismissed. The therapist seemed a little surprised, but this was the second day in a row that she'd done this to us so Hubby and I just looked at each other and laughed a little. (that's our girl!)
Today Hubby and I went to therapy with the attachment therapist at 11am and then at 5:30pm saw the EMDR therapist (who isn't seeing Kitty anymore, but is still very involved with the family and is starting work with Bear). More on that next post. Hubby is finally ready to sleep.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Psychiatric hospitalization
I don't know if you can see it, but this is the bite mark from Kitty last week. And the cabinet door she kicked in.
Today Kitty escalated during therapy. Our therapist is amazing and kept her calmer then I could have, but at the end Kitty still threatened to kill herself if we didn't give her what she wanted. She admitted that she didn't mean it and it was just a saying, but she says it often. We've told her many times that it's not acceptable. We've often confronted her with how seriously we have to take this every time she says it.
The therapist asked if Kitty had made a plan or thought about how to kill herself. Kitty said no. When the therapist asked if Kitty could commit to being safe though, Kitty said "probably." The therapist asked several times and Kitty treated it like a game. Finally the therapist got through to her that we were serious and would have to have her admitted again to a psychiatric hospital if she really couldn't promise she could be safe.
Kitty admitted to having suicidal thoughts. She could not commit to being safe. She agreed that it was a good idea to be admitted. Hubby took her to the hospital. We engaged the child safety locks on the car doors and she was OK with that.
The therapist pointed out how much she's distancing herself from us. Something is definitely making her worse. School is a big part of that, but she'd already been going downhill for months.
Of course if you ask Kitty what's wrong, she'll tell you we don't love her. We don't trust her, and most importantly we love the other kids more than her and won't give her what she wants.
She is one seriously mixed up kid. Her world is soo distorted. She thinks family is evil and everyone in our family hate her. If she's told no or thinks others are getting something she's not, she just can't handle it and feels unloved and threatened. She doesn't trust us at all. She also has NO CLUE that she has issues. She denies it completely. If we point out our concerns then she just promises she'll never misbehave again if we'll just let her have whatever it is she wants right then (watch a movie I think is inappropriate, have a big birthday party, go to the school dance...).
So Hubby's birthday was spent dealing with the bank and our business finance issues all day, getting yelled at by our daughter for a couple of hours and then spending 5-6 hours sitting around admitting our daughter to a psychiatric hospital.
Happy Birthday Sweetheart! I love you!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Bob meltdown - warning, mega-whining!
Sunday we were supposed to eat lunch at the park with both my parents and their spouses, my sister and her kids and of course my kids. Hubby was teaching scuba.
Saturday night after dropping off the kids at Grandma's to spend the night (I love this!), I got a call from Poppy (step-dad) saying that plans had changed. My sister decided to have lunch with ex-husband while our dad was in town to "supervise."
Alcoholic ex-husband just got out of jail and hopefully hasn't had time to completely fall off the wagon, as usual. Whenever Daddy is in jail (often), my sister tells her kids that their dad is very sick (which he is) and in the hospital (which he wasn't, although he has been - alcohol-induced hepatitis, bulemia, facial reconstruction after a bar fight, and of course, rehab...). She never takes them to jail/prison(s) to visit. So they are excited about seeing him. They are 6 and 9.
I worry that she is keeping this from them. They don't know better then to get in a car with him or let him take them somewhere. They probably feel abandoned by him. I guess it's better than constantly running him down (verbally - although the other has possibilities too!).
So anyway, I got to sleep in! Yea! Right up until 8am when my step-mom called to make sure I knew about the plan changes. *sigh* She thought I'd be awake getting ready for church, but Hubby had the car so I couldn't go. Of course I couldn't fall back asleep so I got up and puttered around. Even worked out a little!! Of course I pinched a nerve in my leg that has left my right thigh tingly and kind of numb and my neck totally out of alignment (saw our cousin the chiropractor this morning).
The kids were all upset that we weren't going to the park after all so my sweet parents (Grandma and Poppy), bought us lunch at Subway and took us after all.
Bob had other plans.
(Side Note: Bob apparently had pancakes for breakfast, 3 frosted sugar cookies, one bag of jelly beans, and "some candy" all before lunch. Don't know if that had anything to do with what happened, I'm just sayin'.)
Bob didn't want to go to the park. Bob wanted to stay home and veg in front of the TV. Bob wanted me to know that if I didn't let her go home, she was never going to eat again. Bob wanted a foot long instead of a 6 inch. Bob wanted to get her drink before her siblings. Bob wanted to tie her uninflated skinny balloon to her fingers and use it like a slingshot to torture her little brother. Bob wanted to keep her balloon even though I told her to give it to me. Bob wanted to start cussing and screaming and refusing to give me the balloon. Bob wanted to run away or die (not sure which). Bob wanted her stuff back. Bob wanted me to leave her alone. Bob wanted me to die. Bob wanted her necklace to not be broken.
I continued to calmly ask for the balloon. I gave her a choice between giving me the balloon now and getting it back in the future, or losing the balloon. Bob chose to keep yelling at me. I repeated her options and informed her that her choice in the matter would be made for her if she didn't choose. Bob chose to keep yelling and shove the balloon in her pocket so I couldn't get it.
I calmly opened the side door of the van and again asked for the balloon. Bob chose to keep yelling and cursing. I took away Bob's purse and pillow. Bob informed me that there was nothing I could do or take to make her give me the balloon. I reached out and held onto her necklace that she had on and informed her that she needed to give me the balloon because there WAS something I could take if I needed to. This is not her necklace by the way, just one I found a picture of that looks similar.
After screaming and cursing some more, Bob chose to gouge her nails into my forearm and that's why I went ahead and broke her necklace. At which point she hit me with a right hook to my cheek and then burst into angry tears. I managed to restrain myself from hitting her back. Poppy pulled up and Ponito and Kitty (gratefully I'm sure!) climbed into his car and went on to the park.
Bob was furious that I broke her necklace. I informed her that her necklace was not important, relationships were. Her necklace could be easily fixed, her relationship with me was not as easy. I asked Bob AGAIN what she was upset about. After raging some more about the necklace she told me she was miserable and I just didn't care. I knew that a lot of this had to do with her not being able to go to the private school because we didn't have the money. I sympathized a little with her, but now that she was rational I was also able to enlighten her to some reality.
Fact is she is beautiful, smart, healthy and friendly. (Just use your imagination to intersperse her denials and crying throughout this conversation). She has friends at school. She is making decent grades. She has her own room, nice clothes and plenty of food. She is allowed to attend school, there's not a war going on, she has a GOOD life.
By then I was pretty upset too. This has been a long week (ok, year) for me too. I challenged her to prove that she had more to be miserable about then me. She mentioned the private school of course, and her difficulty with some of her subjects, hating having to run in PE...
Then I probably made a bad choice and decided to list MY reasons for being miserable (owing back salary to our employees; hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt to everyone; no income for over a year; no mortgage, credit card or bank loan payments in 4 months or more; knowing I need a biopsy for the possibly cancerous growths on my thyroid, but not being able to afford the deductible; knowing that my daughter wants to go to private school, but not being able to afford it; knowing all the children want extra-curricular activities like sports, but not being able to afford it; dealing every day with children with severe emotional problems; dealing with children who think it's OK to hurt me by biting me, hitting me and clawing me...
So we both stood there and bawled for awhile. Poor Grandma was stuck listening to it all (I know it's hard for her to hear what's going on with us and know that she can't help - financially anyway, emotionally and with the kids she's a huge support). Finally I reminded Bob that she'd had a lot of sugar and her blood sugar had probably dropped and was making her feel worse. I encouraged her to drink some of her soda and asked if she was ready to go to the park for lunch. She was.
At the park she had stomach cramps as we got out of the car (I reassured her that they were probably from the upset and hunger). She allowed me to put my arm around her and support a little of her weight (now that she's 5'9" and 160lbs there is no way I can support more than a little of her weight anymore!). As we ate our lunch she sat next to me and leaned on me. Yet another crisis over, and we're good again.
Of course now I have brusing and a bite mark on my right arm, gouges all over my left arm, and a nasty sunburn on the back of my neck from standing in the sun while Bob and I had our "discussion." I look like I was attacked by dogs. Both girls are acting as though nothing out of the ordinary has happened and it's all forgotten.
Bob is my biodaughter. I know for a fact she didn't grow up with the same trauma that Kitty and Bear did. I also know for a fact that she has a strong genetic predisposition for bipolar disorder (I have it, my mom has it, my maternal grandfather and all 6 of his siblings had it - all the males in his family committed suicide). Hubby's family has no documented cases of depression, but I can tell you that Hubby has probably been clinically depressed for most of the years I've known him.
Bob has always been "spirited." The book Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka was the only reason we survived her terrible twos! (which started at 17 mos and ended at age 4!). Hubby thinks the reason we clash so much is because she's a lot like me and was genetically programmed to be able to push my buttons. He's probably right. The other children really can't get me riled up at all, and sometimes all it takes is a stubborn glare from Bob.
A few years ago, when we started having issues with Bob again (long before we started the adoption process again by the way!) we just decided it was hormones from early puberty (the doctor told us when she was 8 that she would most likely be starting within 6 months). Now she's 12, still hasn't started her menses, and is just as full of attitude as most of the special needs teens that I hear about on adoption blogs and forums. Some of it is probably that I have high expectations for her, and I know that. She's so big for her age it's easy to forget that she's younger. She's VERY smart too. And she can be kind, responsible, helpful and generous when she wants to be.
So my dilemna is:
is this (finally) hormones; is this learned behavior from Kitty and Bear (after all they "get away with it" all the time); is this PTSD from the stress of the last 2 years; is this just her personality; is this bipolar disorder (I started showing signs of depression at about her age)
... and what do I do about it?!!
Our insurance doesn't cover psychological testing. We've put Bob in therapy before (most recently when the kids first got here) and it turned out she only wanted to go to spend more time with me (and get treats like Kitty - I used to bribe Kitty so she would talk in therapy - hey, it worked!!). We can't really afford the co-pays for the current therapy sessions, let alone more.
What we're doing now though is not working and I just can't take any more stress.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Happy Birthday to me!
I had a pretty good day on my birthday yesterday. I am now 39. I don't mind telling everyone how old I am because I know I don't look my age.
My stepmom, my sister, my 6 year old niece and my daughters and I all went to the mall and had a fun girl's day out. I never go to the mall. I'm too used to buying clothes for $1.99!
The Christmas gifts (blouses) my parents had given the girls were too small, so yesterday they got to pick out new tops at the mall. Because my stepmom and sister were with us Kitty was well behaved, at the mall anyway.
It's funny seeing Kitty around my niece. In a lot of ways they are about the same age. My niece doesn't really like Kitty though. She prefers Bob (which makes Kitty a little upset). My niece loves that Bob can pick her up and carry her (something my sister can't do anymore). Plus, Kitty frequently has issues with body odor (although not so much lately).
We spent the morning cleaning the house for when my stepmom came to visit. This would be the first time she's seen the house in a year so I wanted to make a good impression. In the past I've had Kitty help with the cleaning, but she ALWAYS ends up having a meltdown, and after the one she had a few days ago, I decided not to deal with that again. Since we reduced Kitty's chores recently she doesn't have any downstairs chores so I just had everyone do their downstairs chores that they didn't do during the week. This meant Kitty didn't need to do anything.
She still did some whining and crying. Mean old mommy had asked her to bring down her dirty clothes and pee soaked blankets so I could wash them. (The pictures at the top are how her room looked AFTER I had her bring down her laundry. All blankets on the floor are pee-soaked. *sigh*) Hubby didn't think I should take her with me, but I wanted to give him a break (his birthday is Tuesday). The boys went bike riding with my dad.
We shopped for 4 hours!
Hubby had to take Ponito to a slumber party birthday party. Bear mowed a neighbor's yard so earned some cash. It will be interesting to see how fast he burns through the money he made. Unfortunately my mom thinks she smelled tobacco chew on him so I'll need to seach all of his stuff again. *sigh*
I made cheeseburger quiche (family fav) and blueberry and rhubarb pie. It wasn't done until late so we didn't get the kids to Grandma's house to spend the night until after 9pm! Bob started begging for me to take her out of school early on TAKS (Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills) testing day. She'd thought they had an early release and had made plans to go visit the private school. She got angry with me and then started sobbing. She missed her friends at private school and I was mean for not taking her out of school so she could visit. *sigh*
Date night with Hubby, but it was late. We rented and watched a movie (I don't even remember what it was) and then went to sleep.
Hubby was teaching scuba and had to be there at the crack of dawn. I got to sleep in, but was called at 8am to tell me about the change in lunch plans that I already knew about. Couldn't go back to sleep of course. *sigh*
Friday, April 3, 2009
Kitty Meltdown
We have got to figure out a way to get Kitty more therapy treatment (her attachment therapist only has an opening every other week). We’ve done about all we can with meds and she refuses to participate in EMDR therapy so we’ve had to drop it. I’ve been dealing with my own depression and stress so I haven’t been able to devote as much of myself to helping her as I would like. I’ve increased my medications so I’m better able to handle her, but I’m still not 100%.
Yesterday Hubby had a meeting so I was taking care of the kids by myself. She had another episode that led to a restraint, property damage and some pretty severe bruising on me (she of course is totally fine). There were many triggers, so we’re not totally sure how to handle it from here.
Triggers:
1. Kitty had stayed home sick with a sore throat.
*Change in routine AND she doesn’t feel good.
2. I told her she wouldn’t be able to go to my sister’s house last night for dinner because my dad and stepmom are visiting and his health is fragile (I didn’t want her to get him sick).
* Jealousy because everyone else got to go, and more importantly FOOD – Grandma S doesn’t cook with whole wheat noodles and has sugary desserts.
3. She rode in the car with Grandma to pick up Bob from school and Bob insisted Kitty move to the back seat (they take turns sitting up front and consider it a huge privilege).
*Issues with Bob getting something she wanted
4. Because she’d gone with Grandma, Ponito turned off Kitty’s movie and I wouldn’t let her start it again right when they got back because Ponito was in the middle of a show
* Issues with Ponito getting something she wanted
5. Once Ponito’s show was done she started her movie again. The minute she came back in the room (she’d left while Ponito’s show was on) Kitty started arguing with me again to get to go to eat Grandma S’s spaghetti and for me to punish Bob for her behavior in the car. I continued to refuse. She began cussing and yelling.
* Cussing is something Kitty only does when she’s out of control. I think it scares her. I also think she was escalating because in her past if she pitched a big enough fit she got what she wanted. Each meltdown we’ve had seems a little more extreme then the last one because we are not giving her her way.
6. I let her know that she was demonstrating that she was not capable of watching “The Addam’s Family Reunion” after all. I’ve taken away most “scary” movies because they upset her, though she insists that I’m wrong of course.
* I really do think the movie could have triggered some issues.
7. She was not calming down and was getting irrational despite my remaining calm and trying to keep her calm. I finally put her in the FAIR Club.
* Definitely fear. Being put in the FAIR Club triggers her every time too.
8. Kitty left the room angry and stormed upstairs to her bedroom. I didn’t go after her.
* Issues with me. I’m sure she saw it as I don’t love her.
9. Kitty found the phone number of one of Bob’s best friends from the private school while in her room. She thought Bob didn’t have it so she dialed the number and invited Bob to talk to the girl. Bob did.
* Bob didn’t act appreciative (because she already did have the girl’s number). I’m sure this triggered an issue with Kitty because she wanted Bob to be grateful.
10. Bear started insisting that Bob get off the phone so he could make a call. I fussed at him, saying Bob had a right to talk on the phone too (he’s on it almost all the time!). In the meantime, Bob accidentally knocked off Bear’s glass which shattered. She and Bear started arguing over who should clean it up. I told Bob to clean it up.
* Kitty was in the living room with me while this was happening in the kitchen. When I raised my voice to tell the children in the other room what to do I’m sure it felt like I was yelling which I’m sure triggered some issues – even though I wasn’t really yelling and it definitely wasn’t at her. Plus, Bear was being bossy and “parenting” which again even though it wasn’t directed at her, triggers issues. The glass breaking probably surprised her as well – I know it did me!
11. As Bob started to hang up, Kitty wanted to talk to the girl. This is Bob’s best friend and she didn’t want to share so she said no (according to Kitty “really meanly”).
* Kitty is so jealous of Bob and her friends. She feels that Bob is poisoning girls’ minds against Kitty (which Kitty does often to Bob). She can’t stand it that Bob is not miserable and friendless. Plus part of Kitty's identity is being the "friendly" one and she hates it when Bob does anything that is in Kitty's baliwick.
So long story short (ha ha!), Bob stormed off to her room and slammed the door. Bear was on the phone. Kitty went into the kitchen, opened the sharps drawer, pulled out a pair of scissors and held out a chunk of her hair like she was going to cut it off. I stood nearby, but decided not to interfere. When she realized I wasn’t going to stop her, she held the scissors to her wrist, and paused again. When she realized I wasn’t going to stop her, she said "I know something I do have the guts to do" and ran to the stove. Last big meltdown she had, she’d threatened to burn herself on the stove so I stepped a lot closer, but again didn’t interfere.
Kitty tried to turn on the burner that didn’t work. Then she tried other burners, but turned them past the lighting point (gas stove) so they didn’t ignite. There was some gas being released so I turned them off and asked her to stop, but didn’t stop her physically. Finally she got one to turn on and immediately turned to a nearby cabinet to get out some spaghetti. I turned the burner off. She began threatening to burn the house down and saying she wanted us all to be in it. She kept turning the burners and I kept turning them off. She finally grabbed my arm and tried to bite me. A little more struggling and I felt I needed to restrain her. I tried a standing basket hold, but she began kicking me, and then she deliberately collapsed to the floor so I held her in a sitting basket hold.
She of course continued struggling and trying to scratch me. At one point she was able to bite me and I wasn’t in a position to break her hold so we sat there until she let go on her own. I was wearing a long sleeve shirt so while it did break the skin and of course bruise severely, it didn’t bleed and I don’t have to worry about infection. She also managed to kick out the door of one of the kitchen cabinets. I was able to move her away from the other cabinets before she could do any more damage.
When she finally calmed down and I let go of her wrists, she stayed in my arms for quite awhile. We discussed why she was angry. I tried to point out that just like she often feels like Hubby is yelling at her, even when he isn’t really, it’s the same with her issues with Bob. Bob is just acting like a normal girl. It’s the way Kitty is perceiving it that is distorted. We talked a little about jealousy.
By the time Hubby got home Kitty was calmer, but still trying to make me let her go to the grandparents. I left the kids watching TV (not the movie and they were calm) and went upstairs with Hubby to tell him what happened. We decided that he would be the parent to stay home with Kitty because I needed a break (and it’s my family that’s visiting). I was a little worried about leaving Hubby with Kitty, but he was right. I was pretty shaken up. Hubby called Kitty upstairs and asked her to turn off her radio. She immediately started pitching a fit. While standing in her doorway, trying not to keel over from the reeking pee smell. I noticed a used sanitary napkin on the floor. I know it’s been over a week since she had her period so I told her she needed to pick it up. She almost had another meltdown.
Hubby convinced me he would be OK (and we were already almost half an hour late to my sister’s) so I left. He said he asked Kitty to pick up her dirty clothes, which she did – although not the pee soaked blankets, but otherwise left her alone. When we got home Kitty was already in bed. She did get up and ask me to tuck her in and sing her a song, which I did.
Kitty apologized to Bob this morning, but then was right back at it. Bob has about had it with Kitty’s behavior and I don’t blame her. Bob reminded me that I had been giving all the children candy when they had to deal with issues like this (I thought it might bother Kitty enough to get her to quit if she saw everyone else getting rewarded- I forget whose blog I saw this suggestion on). Unfortunately someone got into my candy stash and ate it all. Probably Kitty since the missing candy was her favorite and according to Bob it really bothered her. I think I’ll bring a treat home for them. Or just mention in front of her that they all got 2 pieces of cake with dinner last night (Kitty only got one).
I realize a lot of this is fear based, but we have reduced the stress as much as we are able. (She has almost no chores, and nothing that Grandma has to enforce after school, she’s not in EMDR therapy anymore, I keep a close eye on what’s going on in school and intervene where appropriate – she had a boy “picking” on her so we moved her to another part of the classroom). The honeymoon is starting to wear off at school though. She’s no longer thrilled to be going and willing to behave to make sure she can stay (that was her choice not mine by the way – I would never MAKE a child behave to get to go to school).
I know that at least some of it is manipulation and control on her part. She often talks about how much freedom she had as a child (no chores, no bedtime, no food restrictions – cheesecake for breakfast and junk food all the time). She firmly believes that if she pitches a big enough fit she’ll get what she wants. This scares the snot out of me! She is escalating more and more rather than realizing that we say what we mean and mean what we say. She WANTS to go to residential treatment.
What do I do with a 4-6 year old who looks and thinks she’s 14?! We talk about her having issues and that’s why we don’t allow her to do some things that her “little” sister is able to do, but she is in total denial about it. She needs structure and love, but she is fighting us on both. She wants everyone, especially Bob and Ponito, to be miserable like she is and was. If I love Bob and Ponito and treat them special in any way she is jealous and demanding equality.
There are some things that Bob and Ponito have earned and are capable of handling that she just isn’t - (overnights with friends, staying home alone for short periods of time, getting to read books or watch movies that Kitty can’t handle, buying Bob new shoes because her feet have grown again, letting them stay home with Hubby when I go shopping, using the microwave, later bedtime…). Sometimes I just give in and don’t let any of them have something (for example, listening to anything but Christian music), because one or two of them can’t handle it, but I can’t do that with everything.
I’m so frustrated because not only am I not getting through to Kitty – I know she feels totally unloved, but by trying to make it feel more equal, I’m actually depriving the other kids of the things that make a happy childhood. Suggestions?!!!
Mary
Yesterday Hubby had a meeting so I was taking care of the kids by myself. She had another episode that led to a restraint, property damage and some pretty severe bruising on me (she of course is totally fine). There were many triggers, so we’re not totally sure how to handle it from here.
Triggers:
1. Kitty had stayed home sick with a sore throat.
*Change in routine AND she doesn’t feel good.
2. I told her she wouldn’t be able to go to my sister’s house last night for dinner because my dad and stepmom are visiting and his health is fragile (I didn’t want her to get him sick).
* Jealousy because everyone else got to go, and more importantly FOOD – Grandma S doesn’t cook with whole wheat noodles and has sugary desserts.
3. She rode in the car with Grandma to pick up Bob from school and Bob insisted Kitty move to the back seat (they take turns sitting up front and consider it a huge privilege).
*Issues with Bob getting something she wanted
4. Because she’d gone with Grandma, Ponito turned off Kitty’s movie and I wouldn’t let her start it again right when they got back because Ponito was in the middle of a show
* Issues with Ponito getting something she wanted
5. Once Ponito’s show was done she started her movie again. The minute she came back in the room (she’d left while Ponito’s show was on) Kitty started arguing with me again to get to go to eat Grandma S’s spaghetti and for me to punish Bob for her behavior in the car. I continued to refuse. She began cussing and yelling.
* Cussing is something Kitty only does when she’s out of control. I think it scares her. I also think she was escalating because in her past if she pitched a big enough fit she got what she wanted. Each meltdown we’ve had seems a little more extreme then the last one because we are not giving her her way.
6. I let her know that she was demonstrating that she was not capable of watching “The Addam’s Family Reunion” after all. I’ve taken away most “scary” movies because they upset her, though she insists that I’m wrong of course.
* I really do think the movie could have triggered some issues.
7. She was not calming down and was getting irrational despite my remaining calm and trying to keep her calm. I finally put her in the FAIR Club.
* Definitely fear. Being put in the FAIR Club triggers her every time too.
8. Kitty left the room angry and stormed upstairs to her bedroom. I didn’t go after her.
* Issues with me. I’m sure she saw it as I don’t love her.
9. Kitty found the phone number of one of Bob’s best friends from the private school while in her room. She thought Bob didn’t have it so she dialed the number and invited Bob to talk to the girl. Bob did.
* Bob didn’t act appreciative (because she already did have the girl’s number). I’m sure this triggered an issue with Kitty because she wanted Bob to be grateful.
10. Bear started insisting that Bob get off the phone so he could make a call. I fussed at him, saying Bob had a right to talk on the phone too (he’s on it almost all the time!). In the meantime, Bob accidentally knocked off Bear’s glass which shattered. She and Bear started arguing over who should clean it up. I told Bob to clean it up.
* Kitty was in the living room with me while this was happening in the kitchen. When I raised my voice to tell the children in the other room what to do I’m sure it felt like I was yelling which I’m sure triggered some issues – even though I wasn’t really yelling and it definitely wasn’t at her. Plus, Bear was being bossy and “parenting” which again even though it wasn’t directed at her, triggers issues. The glass breaking probably surprised her as well – I know it did me!
11. As Bob started to hang up, Kitty wanted to talk to the girl. This is Bob’s best friend and she didn’t want to share so she said no (according to Kitty “really meanly”).
* Kitty is so jealous of Bob and her friends. She feels that Bob is poisoning girls’ minds against Kitty (which Kitty does often to Bob). She can’t stand it that Bob is not miserable and friendless. Plus part of Kitty's identity is being the "friendly" one and she hates it when Bob does anything that is in Kitty's baliwick.
So long story short (ha ha!), Bob stormed off to her room and slammed the door. Bear was on the phone. Kitty went into the kitchen, opened the sharps drawer, pulled out a pair of scissors and held out a chunk of her hair like she was going to cut it off. I stood nearby, but decided not to interfere. When she realized I wasn’t going to stop her, she held the scissors to her wrist, and paused again. When she realized I wasn’t going to stop her, she said "I know something I do have the guts to do" and ran to the stove. Last big meltdown she had, she’d threatened to burn herself on the stove so I stepped a lot closer, but again didn’t interfere.
Kitty tried to turn on the burner that didn’t work. Then she tried other burners, but turned them past the lighting point (gas stove) so they didn’t ignite. There was some gas being released so I turned them off and asked her to stop, but didn’t stop her physically. Finally she got one to turn on and immediately turned to a nearby cabinet to get out some spaghetti. I turned the burner off. She began threatening to burn the house down and saying she wanted us all to be in it. She kept turning the burners and I kept turning them off. She finally grabbed my arm and tried to bite me. A little more struggling and I felt I needed to restrain her. I tried a standing basket hold, but she began kicking me, and then she deliberately collapsed to the floor so I held her in a sitting basket hold.
She of course continued struggling and trying to scratch me. At one point she was able to bite me and I wasn’t in a position to break her hold so we sat there until she let go on her own. I was wearing a long sleeve shirt so while it did break the skin and of course bruise severely, it didn’t bleed and I don’t have to worry about infection. She also managed to kick out the door of one of the kitchen cabinets. I was able to move her away from the other cabinets before she could do any more damage.
When she finally calmed down and I let go of her wrists, she stayed in my arms for quite awhile. We discussed why she was angry. I tried to point out that just like she often feels like Hubby is yelling at her, even when he isn’t really, it’s the same with her issues with Bob. Bob is just acting like a normal girl. It’s the way Kitty is perceiving it that is distorted. We talked a little about jealousy.
By the time Hubby got home Kitty was calmer, but still trying to make me let her go to the grandparents. I left the kids watching TV (not the movie and they were calm) and went upstairs with Hubby to tell him what happened. We decided that he would be the parent to stay home with Kitty because I needed a break (and it’s my family that’s visiting). I was a little worried about leaving Hubby with Kitty, but he was right. I was pretty shaken up. Hubby called Kitty upstairs and asked her to turn off her radio. She immediately started pitching a fit. While standing in her doorway, trying not to keel over from the reeking pee smell. I noticed a used sanitary napkin on the floor. I know it’s been over a week since she had her period so I told her she needed to pick it up. She almost had another meltdown.
Hubby convinced me he would be OK (and we were already almost half an hour late to my sister’s) so I left. He said he asked Kitty to pick up her dirty clothes, which she did – although not the pee soaked blankets, but otherwise left her alone. When we got home Kitty was already in bed. She did get up and ask me to tuck her in and sing her a song, which I did.
Kitty apologized to Bob this morning, but then was right back at it. Bob has about had it with Kitty’s behavior and I don’t blame her. Bob reminded me that I had been giving all the children candy when they had to deal with issues like this (I thought it might bother Kitty enough to get her to quit if she saw everyone else getting rewarded- I forget whose blog I saw this suggestion on). Unfortunately someone got into my candy stash and ate it all. Probably Kitty since the missing candy was her favorite and according to Bob it really bothered her. I think I’ll bring a treat home for them. Or just mention in front of her that they all got 2 pieces of cake with dinner last night (Kitty only got one).
I realize a lot of this is fear based, but we have reduced the stress as much as we are able. (She has almost no chores, and nothing that Grandma has to enforce after school, she’s not in EMDR therapy anymore, I keep a close eye on what’s going on in school and intervene where appropriate – she had a boy “picking” on her so we moved her to another part of the classroom). The honeymoon is starting to wear off at school though. She’s no longer thrilled to be going and willing to behave to make sure she can stay (that was her choice not mine by the way – I would never MAKE a child behave to get to go to school).
I know that at least some of it is manipulation and control on her part. She often talks about how much freedom she had as a child (no chores, no bedtime, no food restrictions – cheesecake for breakfast and junk food all the time). She firmly believes that if she pitches a big enough fit she’ll get what she wants. This scares the snot out of me! She is escalating more and more rather than realizing that we say what we mean and mean what we say. She WANTS to go to residential treatment.
What do I do with a 4-6 year old who looks and thinks she’s 14?! We talk about her having issues and that’s why we don’t allow her to do some things that her “little” sister is able to do, but she is in total denial about it. She needs structure and love, but she is fighting us on both. She wants everyone, especially Bob and Ponito, to be miserable like she is and was. If I love Bob and Ponito and treat them special in any way she is jealous and demanding equality.
There are some things that Bob and Ponito have earned and are capable of handling that she just isn’t - (overnights with friends, staying home alone for short periods of time, getting to read books or watch movies that Kitty can’t handle, buying Bob new shoes because her feet have grown again, letting them stay home with Hubby when I go shopping, using the microwave, later bedtime…). Sometimes I just give in and don’t let any of them have something (for example, listening to anything but Christian music), because one or two of them can’t handle it, but I can’t do that with everything.
I’m so frustrated because not only am I not getting through to Kitty – I know she feels totally unloved, but by trying to make it feel more equal, I’m actually depriving the other kids of the things that make a happy childhood. Suggestions?!!!
Mary
Thursday, April 2, 2009
It's been a week
Thank you all for your concerns about me. I've been in a depressed funk and have been having trouble making myself post (and/or doing anything at all).
My doctor increased my anti-depressant, but it doesn't seem to be enough yet. Tuesday I went back to work and did manage to get a little more motivated. (Monday Bob stayed home from school with me - tummy ache).
Work is picking up. We've got several new contracts. Not in enough time to meet payroll though. Had to tell the whole staff yesterday that we can't make payroll this week. Realized on my way to bed last night that I had forgot to take my meds. Bad day for that!
Today I'm home with Kitty (she has a sore throat and a hacking cough - not strep thank goodness). She's probably contagious so no dinner with my dad and step-mother tonight for her (Dad's recent bout with pneumonia has made him very susceptible to illness - although he's on antibiotics for his bronchitis that put him in the ER this weekend).
Everyone is doing fine (except me I guess). I'll try to be better about updating y'all.
My doctor increased my anti-depressant, but it doesn't seem to be enough yet. Tuesday I went back to work and did manage to get a little more motivated. (Monday Bob stayed home from school with me - tummy ache).
Work is picking up. We've got several new contracts. Not in enough time to meet payroll though. Had to tell the whole staff yesterday that we can't make payroll this week. Realized on my way to bed last night that I had forgot to take my meds. Bad day for that!
Today I'm home with Kitty (she has a sore throat and a hacking cough - not strep thank goodness). She's probably contagious so no dinner with my dad and step-mother tonight for her (Dad's recent bout with pneumonia has made him very susceptible to illness - although he's on antibiotics for his bronchitis that put him in the ER this weekend).
Everyone is doing fine (except me I guess). I'll try to be better about updating y'all.
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