Phone call follow up

Well, we had the conversation with Bear about the letter, during our regular collect call.  Hubby was upset about a comment in one of the letters, which I hadn't even noticed (Bear made the comment that Hubby always told him he'd be going to jail like his biodad - which is not accurate), so he wanted to discuss the letter too.

I don't know why I bother confronting Bear on his lies.  He claimed not to remember having written about the baby in the first place, tapered off into a lie about his girlfriend really telling him she was pregnant, and we just dropped the subject.

We talked a little about the possible sentencing in his case (also mentioned in the letter), and he made all sorts of comments that he can't possibly KNOW.  Then he started talking about what he was going to do when he got out of jail (if the charges were dismissed, dropped to Second Degree, or just he'd served his time).  We talked a little about Gary Job Corp once he's stable (if the charges are dismissed and he came home in a couple of months).  He was mad at us for the confrontation about his lying, so of course he made it clear that he's not coming back to Texas.  He's flip flopped on this a lot, so I'm not assuming it's set in stone, but honestly I would be surprised if he came home, because he knows we have expectations.

I asked him what his plans were, and he said he was going East to Chicago or the state of Washington (gotta love his education!).  I reminded him again (we've discussed this in previous conversations) that he REALLY needs support, especially during the first couple of months when he's getting stable on his meds and needing help accessing services (like SSI), and that he should be near family (us or his grandparents in Nebraska), because no one who is not family would likely be willing to put up with his behavior while he's not stable (family isn't thrilled about it either!).  He denied needing any help, and that if he did, he'd get it from social services.

A little later in the conversation he talked about going to Nebraska to live with his grandparents and near his birthsisters who he hasn't seen in "too long."  I pointed out that he had seen them recently, and his behavior had gotten them kicked out of their trailer home, and Hubby mentioned he should probably avoid them while he was getting stable on his meds.

In other words, he doesn't know what he wants to do, and is saying whatever pops in his head at the moment.  He's mad at us, and probably nervous that some of his behavior during his last few months in this state will come back to haunt him.

Deep breaths. After this conversation, Hubby and I both feel that this is not the last time Bear will be in jail in his lifetime.  I don't think he's going to be capable of doing what he needs to to stay out of jail.  Who knows though.  Maybe in 6 years when he hits 25 and his brain is done maturing... if he's still alive and not in jail for the rest of his life.

TRAUMA SUCKS!  RAD SUCKS!  MENTAL ILLNESS SUCKS!!!!

WHY CAN'T LOVE BE ENOUGH?!!

Why does he do this? Edited

Bear asked me to forward a letter to a former behavior program teacher at the high school. I'm at a loss as to whether or not to send it since it's so full of lies and half-truths. I don't know if it's a good idea to perpetuate/ reinforce this stuff.

Dear Ms. D,

How are you do?  Well I moved to Ok after grad.  I don't know why I was so danm hard headed in school, I wish I would have listen to you and mr. p {another behavior program teacher}.  I'm sorry for being a pain to you guys.  Well, if mom hasn't told you guys Yet I'm in Jail in O.k  If you guys want you can write me and can you tell my teachers I said hi Please.  Will you tell some of my friends I'm In Jail and Im thinking about them and miss them and give them my address so they can write me Please.  {lists some kids names},  and the {mascot support team he was on}tell {kid name} and Mr. V {ag teacher} were I'm at and the address to here if they want to write me Please and thank you.  I'm going to bootcamp or prison  I think  I hope I don't have to but that's the worst if I do Bootcamp is 6 months {more like 18months}and if I go to the pin it will be a max of 1 to 5 years {more like up to 40].  But Im hopeing for perbation.  O right be for I left texas my ex told me she was pregnant with my son {total lie! I checked, the girl is NOT pregnant}.  All the years I said I wouldn't be like my bio dad and I'm Just like him in Jail I wont even be there when hes born but his name is going to be Dakota B M___{misspelling of the girl's last name}, the B is for B____ {Bear's middle name which was his last name before his adoption}.  I wish I could turn back time and have stayed in TX, But I was on drugs and wanted out so I moved and they followed me {not sure what he means by "they" - could be drugs, could be his issues - which we always warned him would follow him}.  Well I got a lot of tatoos know on my neck, Back, chest and arms. {No idea if this is true or not, he's told us he's gotten some}.  I hope to hear back from you soon.   Bear "B___ Our last name"  {I have no idea why he put his middle and last name in quotes!}

So what would you do?  Should I send the letter as is?  Should I attach a note including the facts?  Should I confront him on the discrepancies/lies first?

Edited to add:

Bear's done stuff like this before. CASA did a presentation to the church youth group, and he stood up and gave a testimonial about what it felt like to be a foster kid, and how grateful he was that he was adopted. He got a ton of back pats and attention, and they asked him to speak during the next presentation at the following service. I happened to be around and heard it. He rambled and lied. The CASA people asked him to give a presentation to their board (he never had a CASA rep, but was supposed to give them a look into the life of a foster child). He started trying to set up presentations with churches in the area, but I shut that down, because I didn't see it helping anyone, and it seemed to feed his issues.

Honestly, I think this current letter is because he's bored and lonely and wants someone to write to him (and accept his collect calls). He's totally RAD and not emotionally attached to any of the people mentioned so I don't think it's that he's wanting a real connection.

I think I've decided to confront him with the lies (knowing that he'll deny it), and let him know that I'm not comfortable forwarding a letter full of lies and half-truths. I can give him the option of rewriting it or sending it on with me providing the actual facts.  The reality is that some of his teachers have already allowed contact, even without all the sob stories.

Books and Methods Review - Methods - Brain Gym

According to Wikipedia:  The Brain Gym program is based on the claim that learners carrying out specific Brain Gym movements prior to a learning activity can improve stability, mobility, and/or sensorimotor coordination. In turn, these motor skills support ease of learning. The 26 Brain Gym activities are said to foster eye teaming, hand-eye coordination, and whole-body flexibility, and so activate the brain for optimal storage and retrieval of information.
The Brain Gym website refers to more than a hundred pilot studies, case studies, and anecdotal reports, done with people of all ages and abilities, that explore the effects of the 26 Brain Gym activities in such areas as reading, writing, memory, self-reported anxiety, and computer-related eye-and-muscle strain. Numerous books have been written describing research and case studies in which use of the Brain Gym activities has benefited specific populations, including children recovering from burn injuries and those diagnosed with autism.[1]
The program has previously been criticised as pseudoscience for the lack of references for some of the theories in its 1994 book, Brain Gym: Teacher's Edition and the absence of peer review research that performing the activities has a direct effect on academics.[2][3][4][5] A new edition of the book was published in 2010, with updated references to educational and neuroscientific theories.[6]

A YouTube Brain Gym 5 minute "workout"  - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VL4an7UC3wA
Free Brain Gym Exercises:  http://sspw.dpi.wi.gov/files/sspw/pdf/sascevanshandouts.pdf


Marythemom:  We've tried this with Kitty.  It helps her get unstuck and changes up her mood, but she finds it very embarrassing and will only do it with her therapist leading her, or if we're in total privacy and she's not so far triggered that she can be compliant.  The theory is similar to EMDR in that crossing the midbrain helps her get unstuck.

Suicide Watch

On the evening of Christmas, Bear let someone at the jail know that he felt suicidal.  When he called us a couple of days ago he let us know about it and that he'd been taken off Suicide Watch that day.  I think he's still pretty depressed, but nothing can be done about it.  He did let me know that he'd also hoped this would help the jail decide to help him get back on his meds.  Didn't make a difference though.  Poor Bear.

Next court date is in a couple of weeks.  I wish this were just over, whatever the results.  So we'd know what was going to happen and when we can get Bear help.  The county he's in is so tiny that they apparently only do jury trials 2 times a year.  Next time offered is not until June.  So much for a right to a speedy trial.

A Year in Review - 2008 vs 2012

I did a year in review blog post in 2008 that had a nice format so I thought I'd do it again and compare it to that year's answers..  I think the comparisons and contrasts are pretty interesting!

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
2008 - Adopted 2 children. Started a blog.
2012 - Had a child move out and go to jail.  Looked into legal guardianship for second child.  Stopped blogging (although I started again).

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
2008 - I didn’t really make a New Year’s resolution last year, but if I had it would have been to lose weight and get more exercise. So No, I did not keep my resolution. This year my resolution will be to spend more time with my kids and lose my “baby weight” and get more exercise.
2012 - I don't make resolutions anymore, but I do Jesus' gifts now.  This is this year's gift.  Last year's gift was to be present and consistent with my family and take better care of myself.  I think I've been more present, now I'm working on being more positive.  In fact, that's my word for the year:  POSITIVE.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
2008 - I had a bouncing 12 year old girl and a bouncing 14 year old boy!
2012 - My 17yo niece had a baby, and the state took custody of him.  We thought for a short period of time we might end up with custody.  Most of my friends are in the "transition" phase with their children moving into adulthood rather than adding to their family.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
2008 - One of our kitties, Lady Moonlight, passed away.
2012 - Our old Husky, Scarlett Claus, passed away this Summer.

5. What countries did you visit?
2008 - I didn’t leave the country, but I visited many different states. The states of Chaos, Confusion, and Disorder. I visited Hell, Insanity and Terror and decided I didn’t want to live there.
2012 - I didn't leave the country this year, but I learned a lot about different cultures.  Residential treatment, jail and the legal system, and got to know more about the kids' biofamilies who live a very different life than we do.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
2008 - Money, sleep, peace of mind, a stronger faith, calmness and wisdom.
2012 - That pretty much sums it up!

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory?

• January 7, 2008 The day Bear came home from RTC
• March 25, 2008 Kitty’s adoption day!
• July 25, 2008 Bear’s adoption day!

• February 2, 2012  Bear moved out.
• March 18, 2012 Visit with Biomom
• April 20, 2012  Kitty comes home from RTC
• May 30, 2012 Bear moves to Oklahoma.
• August 1, 2012 Bear goes to jail.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
2008 - I survived an emotionally and financially very tough year with most of my sanity intact!
2012 - I survived an emotionally (and financially) very tough year with the determination to stay focused on the positive.  I feel I'm in a much better place emotionally than I've been in years.  I've dealt with learning I had an adult attachment disorder, finding out Biomom has been reading my blog for years, having Bear move out and subsequently go to jail, and being Kitty's Dreamkiller.  I finally posted the Books and Methods Review on my blog.  I've lost 30lbs and my marriage is strong.

9. What was your biggest failure?
2008 - My weight, and not living up to Hubby’s expectations of me at work.
2012 - Honestly I can't think of a big failure. I can think of many things that didn't go the way I wanted them to, but I did the best I could and I accomplished a lot.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
2008 - This year I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and the doctor is worried about my thyroid.
Bear separated his collarbone.
Kitty was tentatively diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
2012 - I was diagnosed with an adult attachment disorder and started medication for my high cholesterol.  Got my thyroid tested and the potentially cancerous nodes have shrunk and no longer need surgical testing!
Bear broke his hand, twice.
Kitty was diagnosed with emerging Borderline Personality Disorder.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
2008 - Until he was let go, I was loving the great deals we were getting from one of the guys at Salvation Army. Bags of clothes for $2-4. It was a life saver.

2012 - My boots!  I still get at least one compliment EVERY time I wear them.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
2008 - Bear made a HUGE turnaround this year. His time in the RTC and corrected diagnoses and medications have made such an amazing difference. We were afraid we weren’t going to be able to adopt him.
2012 - Bear's Jesus gift still makes me want to cry!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
2008 - I was very disappointed in Bob’s behavior this year. I expected more from her (maybe too much).
The employee we let go because she was insane. She shared way too much personal information (the fact that she gave up a child for adoption, her boyfriend's erectile dysfunction…) with everyone (including Hubby) and was verbally abusive to staff. After we “laid her off” she e-mailed and left verbally abusive messages with staff, consultants, and Hubby. She even sent job postings to staff, talked to clients about when they were going to pay us so she would get her commission…
2012 - I was very disappointed with Bear's behavior.  It depressed me for quite awhile that we couldn't help him and prevent this from happening.
I still struggle with Kitty's Borderline Personality Disorder.  It doesn't appall me, in fact I feel very empathetic about it, but it is depressing, because I don't foresee her being capable emotionally or cognitively capable of dealing with it, which means we'll be dealing with her extreme emotional instability for our lifetime.

14. Where did most of your money go?
2008 - Into the business.
2012 - Toward the debt from the purchase and loss of the business.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
2008 - Nothing. I’ve been on mood stabilizers most of the year!
2012 - The Texas Trauma Mama Retreat!

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2008?
2008 - Anyway, by Martina McBride. This is my “motto”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FdB5Adws78
2012 - Firework, by Katy Perry http://www.vevo.com/watch/katy-perry/firework/USCA31000112  I know it's not new, but it always makes me want to sing!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier/sadder, thinner/heavier, richer/poorer?
2008 - Happier (we were so worried about Bear). Heavier. Poorer financially, but richer spiritually.
2012 - Happier!  Thinner by 30lbs.  In a better place financially.  Also in a better place spiritually, we've found a Sunday School class that feels like they're our "peeps!"

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
2008 - Spending time with the littles.
2012 - Spent more time with Hubby.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
2008 - Worrying
2012 - Vegging in front of the computer until all hours of the morning.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
2008 - At home. Mom and step-Dad, little sister and her kids will come to our house on Christmas Day.
2012 - Spent morning at home with Hubby, Kitty, Bob and Ponito, then we went to my sister's house (and her Hubby and 5 kids!  Something new since 2008!) for lunch with her family and my mom and step-dad.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
2008 - Kitty, calming her down.
2012 - Various therapists and service providers.  If I have to pick one, than the one person I consistently spent any time with was probably Hubby.  Sometimes that's the best way we have to talk about stuff without kids around.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
2008 - I fall more in love every year with my family.
2012 - I think I love Hubby more now that I've dealt with a lot of my attachment issues.

23. How many one night stands in this last year?
2008 - 5-6. (With HUBBY!) Sometimes it feels like Hubby and I are just ships passing in the night.
2012 - 40+ (with Hubby!).  My parents take the kids overnight almost every Saturday night and Hubby and I get a date night!  Sometimes it seems like the only time we're alone and on the same page.

24. What was your favourite TV program?
2008 - So embarrassing, but Rock of Love Charm School. It’s a reality TV show about trashy girls (from different seasons of a show I’ve never seen – something about wanting to date a rock ‘n’ roll star – like the Bachelor, but slutty). Sharon Osborn is the principal of Charm School and she teaches them manners and how to behave. The girl who doesn’t get expelled at the end, wins $100,000. www.vh1.com/shows/dyn/rock_of_love_charm_school/series.jhtml - 146k -
2012 - Project Runway.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
2008 - I try not to hate anyone.
2012 - Still not a hater.

26. What was the best book(s) you read?
2008 - I read so many I couldn’t tell you. Katie McAllister – funny romances. Terry Prachett – punny fantasy/sci fi. Deborah Hage – attachment. Too many!
2012 - I still read a lot.  Still love Katie MacAlister, Terry Prachett, Charlaine Harris (funny paranormal romance), Janet Evanovich... on the attachment side, I really enjoyed "Can This Child Be Saved?" by Foster Cline

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
2008 - Weird question. This was the first year where we didn’t listen to anything but Christian Rock. I’ve discovered I REALLY like it.
2012 - Still prefer to listen to Christian Rock, but did discover Gangnam style.  Very weird, not so great.

28. What did you want and get?
2008 - Kitty and Bear – no more social workers!
2012 - My Christmas boots?  To go to the Texas Trauma Mama Retreat. Bear to be safe and not able to hurt anyone.  Kitty to be safe at home and school without frequent psych hospitalizations. Actually VALIDATION, this year people finally seem to be "getting it."

29. What did you want and not get?
2008 - All the answers. To be able to “fix” everyone and everything.
2012 - To start my own business and contribute financially.  To keep Bear safe and healing.  Help Kitty heal her emotional issues and accept her limitations.  Still not getting a lot of support in getting the kids what they need (like legal guardianship for Bear).

30. What were your favourite films of this year?
2008 - Ratatouille was good. So was August Rush. I even liked Tinker Bell. Meet the Robinsons. I really need to watch something besides the Disney channel!
2012 - Avengers, Journey 2, mostly we watch the Avengers- type movies over and over (Captain America, Thor, Iron Man,... X Men, GI Joe - not an Avenger movie but Channing Tatum!)... We got a Blu-Ray player, and Hubby invested in a program that converts ALL our movies (300+) to mp4 files so we're watching a lot of "Classic" movies!  I've had a lot of fun introducing my kids to old 80s movies.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
2008 - I was 38 this April. Honestly I don’t remember what I did (-barely remember what I did yesterday!). Guess I’m getting old! Hubby’s b-day is 3 days after mine and Kitty’s is 9 days after. I was probably too focused on Kitty’s b-day to even notice my own. I’m sure I ate chocolate though!
2012 - I was 42 this year, and I had to look up on my blog what I did for my birthday this year.  It was a very laid back birthday.  We didn't end up with custody of a baby, Kitty was still in residential treatment, Bear didn't live at home, and Ponito made me my favorite kind of cake (German Chocolate!).

32. What's one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
2008 - I was going to say more money, but the truth is stronger faith would have made it more satisfying. More money just would have made it easier.
2012 - This was a pretty satisfying year, but I wish I could have contributed financially to the family.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
2008 - Costs less than $3, fits over my boobs and tookus, doesn’t show my rolls of fat, and still looks OK.
2012 - I've enjoyed designing clothes for myself and my daughters, and really hoped to start a sewing business.  I enjoy classic, stylish, FLATTERING clothing.

34. What kept you sane?
2008 - Mood stabilizers and anti-depressants!
2012 - Facebook was my nemesis, but the private support groups there and people who valued my experience and skills made me feel more confident and sane this year.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
2008 - Santa Claus!
2012 - Got a wee bit of a crush on Channing Tatum this year.  He plays the sweet, romantic, with cute buns really well!  (Except for Magic Mike, HATED that movie).  Fancy Hubby more though (and he's got cute buns too!)

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
2008 - Nebraska’s Safe Haven Law. Hopefully it brought needed attention to the broken foster care system.
2012 - In response to the Connecticut shooting, a fellow blogger wrote this blog post http://anarchistsoccermom.blogspot.com/2012/12/thinking-unthinkable.html about her own son who is only 11, but has shown signs of being a psychopath (including some typical RAD behaviors), one commenter states that he or she has Borderline Personality Disorder and then basically attacks the mom, blaming her for her son's issues.  It just really hit home and sent me into a depression for several weeks, because I could hear my children in this person's irrational comments, and it gave me little hope for the future.

37. Who did you miss?
2008 - Me. I used to sing and smile a lot more. That’s my New Year’s resolution -to be the happy person I used to be. " Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."
2012 - Still Me, but I'm seeing the happier me a little more, and now I feel more confident and calm.  My Motto is now, "Saying "no" is not being negative.  Negative is saying "yes" to things that are destroying you."

38. Who was the best new person you met?
2008 - My friend Lisa. I think I actually “met” her last year, but she has been one of the most inspirational people in my life.
2012 - A woman named Shon.  She organized the Trauma Mama retreat and is an inspiration to me.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
2008 - I learned so many!

• I learned that Love is NOT enough, but it is still necessary.
• I learned I’m stronger than I thought I was.
• I've learned that I can’t control everything.
• I've learned that there is more to learn!

2012 -

• I've learned that being positive is important, because if we focus on the negatives we won't see the positives.
• I've learned that validation feels great, but if I focus on getting it, I can lose track of what's important.
• I've learned I can't let others' beliefs dictate my life.  For many years I thought of myself as a chameleon, trying to make everyone happy, but just making myself miserable trying to second guess what everyone else wanted and feeling horrible when they said I was doing things wrong.  The negative comments from Anonymous go straight to my heart and it takes me days to recover and respond.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
2008 - Anyway
Martina McBride/Brad Warren/Brett Warren

You can spend your whole life buildin'
Somethin' from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

(Chorus)
God is great, but sometimes life ain't good
When I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
And in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

(Repeat Chorus)

You can pour your soul out singin'
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah sing it anyway

I sing
I dream
I love anyway

2012 -  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ltp5QoyuUeE
This is Real, This me
I'm exactly where I'm suppose 
to be now
let the light shine on me
I found who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me

Jesus gift - hope!

Just wanted to share a positive story for once. On Christmas Eve we celebrate Jesus' birthday by giving Him gifts. These are spiritual gifts (kind of like New Year's Resolutions) that we know He would want for us (like spending more time with our family, going to church more, having a better attitude...).

This was going to be the first Christmas since Bear came to live with us 7 years ago, which is when we started this tradition, that we were going to celebrate without him. Bear called just as we were getting started, and was able to tell me his (amazing) Jesus' present.  To summarize, he wants to come home, take his meds, get right with God, stay off drugs... I know not to put all my faith in this, but when he moved out almost a year ago, I thought we'd lost him and nothing we'd done had made a difference. Apparently I was wrong!

My Jesus gift:

Dear Jesus,

My gift to you is to get to bed earlier and support my family cheerfully and tolerantly.

Letter to Bear in Prison

Dear Bear,

Everyone here is doing OK.  I've enclosed the pictures you wanted, including the family Christmas pictures.  It seems so weird not to have you in them.  Hopefully next year!  (I was tempted to PhotoShop you in as you mentioned!).

I want to apologize for not writing you sooner.  Part of the reason is that I'm not a letter writer (I prefer e-mail), but also because we talk to you on the phone often, so there's not a lot left to say.  I'm going to try to write you as soon as I receive your letters from now on.  I hope you will write more often now that you have money for letter supplies. {I'm enclosing a money order I've been meaning to send for months} We're going to have to request that you only call in an emergency.  We just can't afford to keep paying for collect calls.  I'm really sorry about that, Sweetie, but money is really tight.  That's another reason I'm promising to be better about writing.  I want to hear about how you're doing and what's going on in your life.

I'm pretty worried about you.  I wish you were back home so I could help you get the services you need - medication, but also therapy.  I've always felt that while it was really good that you were finally on the right meds, but it made for a lot less pressure to work on the trauma and emotional issues you also needed to work on - so you could have close relationships with women and family, and not run away when people get too close or there was a conflict/ argument.

I strongly hope that you'll take the advice of your neuropsychologist and commit to staying "home" for a couple more years, especially now that you've tried being on your own for awhile.  You don't have to live in our house (although you are invited!), but you need somewhere structured while you get back on your meds and therapy and rehab.  Once you're stable I think Gary Job Corp might be good.  I know you don't like the rules and restrictions, but you do so much better when you have them.

Bear, I love you very much.  You are a smart kid with a lot of potential - you just need a little more time before you try to do this all by yourself.  The reality is that God designed humans to need each other.  When we try to be totally independent and self-sufficient, that's when we stumble.  EVERYONE needs other people.  Even now I still go to my mom for support and advice, and so does your dad.  We love you and want to be there for you!

Love,
Mom