Kitty's Senior year IEP meeting

Wow!  After the conferences I went to this weekend (future posts I promise!), I came home charged up with an unwillingness to tolerate status quo any longer.  Hubby and I both agree that Kitty's decision, that the only way to handle feeling overwhelmed, stressed and anxious by her life was to shut down and "freeze" at home and in therapy, is not acceptable.  His solution has been to spend an hour with her in her room (where she's been hiding with her iPod 95% of the time).  My solution is to give her an ultimatum - she has to choose the "basic plan" and be basically a boarder in our home (which means respectful of us, responsible for herself and maintaining her environment, and NO more family privileges- like access to free WiFi) or she can choose to be a "family girl."  (future post will show the documents I've devised).

Kitty has an IEP meeting next week.  This will determine what she'll be doing her final semester of high school, and transition plans (high school to real world).  I wrote this e-mail to the principal of her special school (she splits her time between the regular high school and a special school for kids who are "emotionally disturbed), in the hopes that he can use his pull to work behind the scenes and get some of the things the school district have fought us on. 

Hi {principal of Kitty's special school},

I have a few concerns I wanted to mention before Kittys’s IEP meeting on the 22nd.

1. Immediate Health Concern:  Are you aware that Kitty does not eat lunch on B days because she doesn’t want to face the cafeteria?  Instead she comes home and gorges on the packaged food and candy that she gets from {special school} in addition to the food she would normally eat for afternoon snack.  Lately she’s been trying to skip dinner (although I usually have her eat a small portion) – I assume because she’s full from the sheer amount of food she eats at 5pm, but also because she’s trying to lose weight quickly.  We’ve discussed healthy eating a lot over the years, but she still thinks that because the pretzels/crackers are whole grain or it’s frozen yogurt versus ice cream, she can eat a huge portion or even the whole box.  I’d like to discuss having a tray brought to her or finding another way to get her meals.
2. Transition Planning:  If someone could have some information available about Kitty’s options after graduation that would be helpful.  Currently we are planning on having her live at home and work part time while she takes a remedial class or two at {local community college}, but we’d like information about options like {local assisted living group homes for people with developmental and intellectual disabilities} or some place more appropriate.  I recently discovered that Kitty may qualify for the DADS program (the IQ cut off is 75 not 70 and Kitty’s full scale IQ is 74) and if someone could help us navigate this system that would be greatly appreciated.  Once again I’d like to mention that we’re very interested in the Super Senior program {students graduate with their class, but continue to attend the vocational program through the school} for Kitty.  We’re also interested in having a last FIE {Full Individualized Evaluation - school's version of an academic psych eval} done as well.
3. OUR BIGGEST CONCERN:  Kitty is currently at her MAXimum stress level with school, work and family, and it has caused severe traumatic emotional debilitation (I realize that you may not be aware of this issue, as Kitty has always been able to hide her issues from the public – even when she was in and out of psych hospitals every other week for suicidal ideation and the psychiatrists were recommending she be homebound until residential treatment was secured, she was able to keep the school from seeing the majority of her struggles).   She has stated several times that due to her need to people please, she has chosen to sacrifice her relationships with the family and progress in therapy because she believes (most likely correctly) that any more stress/anxiety from ANY source will push her over the edge and she will end up back in the psych hospital.  

Currently when she is not shut down and isolating herself, she is lashing out and unable to handle even minor upsets without a major reaction.  Obviously we consider work and school to be important, but Kitty’s emotional/mental health must be a higher priority and she cannot learn and grow when she is overwhelmed and in her “trauma brain.”  Plus, there is a strong possibility that Kitty’s brother will be returning to the home from prison in a few months – an additional cause of stress for Kitty.  We agree that to prevent an emotional breakdown and return to the emotional stability that Kitty needs to function and heal, that stress/ anxiety needs to be lessened in some areas of Kitty’s life.

Obviously there is little we can do about the stress of school and family; therefore, we feel that Kitty needs a less stressful job that doesn’t activate her auditory processing issues (loud, chaotic environment), doesn’t trigger her trauma issues (alcohol, illicit behaviors, and social anxieties), doesn’t continuously overtax her skills and abilities (she feels devastated by her “failures,” every time she makes mistakes and needs assistance – which since her tolerance level is so low right now feels overwhelmingly frequent), and doesn’t occur during family time (Friday and Saturday evenings - she works 5-9pm Friday and Saturday only).
We realize that Kitty dislikes (is afraid of!) change, and she has learned a lot from her time at {Giant Amusement Center -GAC}, but we believe it is in her best interest, despite her current objection,  to have a job more suited to her aptitude and abilities, that will challenge her without incapacitating her.  We also realize that she finds her current volunteer work at The Book Store “boring” and unchallenging.  We appreciate that you have encouraged her not to quit – at least until the semester is over.

We know that next semester Kitty will have even more electives (due to the completion of Economics and Government).  She has mentioned she’d like to take a Nutrition class at {special school}.  Our concern is that the school will propose again that she come home at 2:30 each day (or earlier).  I know you appreciate why Kitty should not just get out of school early each day (she needs supervision and I may not be available, if her brother is home she absolutely cannot handle being alone with him, she WANTS a job or classes where she can be active and learning needed vocational and living skills…)

We are optimistic that you and the VAC {school's vocation} program will find a job that meets Kitty’s needs, whether it is a paid position or not.  I know there are a lot of small businesses around {special school} that she might do well at – including a florist and many food places.  I regret that we have to “force your hand” by no longer being willing and able to transport Kitty to GAC on Friday and Saturday evenings after this semester ends.  If you are unable to find another job that can get her on the bus in time to go home, Hubby and I are willing to pick her up from work (on school days), as long as she is done by 6:30pm (she has therapy on Tuesdays, so we have to leave our home no later than 5:00pm).  We are OK with her working the occasional Saturday with the same stipulation that she be done by 6:30pm.

Thanks for reading this huge e-mail!  Sorry it’s so long, but I wanted you to understand our concerns.  As always, please contact me with any questions or concerns!

Thank you,

Mary Themom
cell:  (###) ###-####

Bear "Pulled chains"

I'm learning so many new terms and concepts.

Bear "pulled chains" yesterday.  That means that he is finally on his way to prison.  He'd hoped not to go until his sentence was almost over so that he may not have to go at all or for only a short period of time.

He'll go to "A&R" first.

"Inmates with felony convictions and sentenced by the courts to the Department of Corrections are received by the Assessment and Reception Center (A&R), which handles ALL the inmates in the state.  Normally, there are over 1,600 inmates in county jails awaiting transfer for initial assessment {which explains why he's only just now going to prison even though he was sentenced over 5 months ago}.
The Department of Corrections’ philosophy is that inmate re-entry begins at entry.  As such, inmates serving 100 years or less undergo a complete needs assessment to determine what treatment the inmate requires to reduce their probability of recidivism.  Case Plans are established utilizing objective assessments; to determine the need for substance abuse treatment, cognitive behavioral programs, education, vocational training, sex offender treatment, etc.  {This is when Bear's mental illness will hopefully be re-diagnosed and he'll get back on meds}.  Inmates are also classified to Maximum, Medium, or Minimum security. The inmate’s custody level is determined utilizing the most serious current offense, seriousness of previous offenses; escape risk, number of prior convictions, and additional risk factors.  Placement of inmates at facilities is made to meet the department’s mission of protecting the public, staff and inmates."

Bear had one of his friends contact us from the jail, because he'll be incommunicado for awhile.  I'd just sent him a letter with a check (we pay for his hygiene and things like mail needs) so no idea how or when he'll get that.  Ooh, that reminds me, I hope Hubby hadn't just added to the collect call account.  :(

Bear recently asked us to send him a coat since this year is supposed to be colder than last year, but don't know if he can still get that in prison.  His family in Oklahoma is no longer visiting him so they won't be bringing him one (no idea what's happened to the many coats he already owned).  I was just thinking I'd buy him something cheap on eBay and have it shipped straight there (since shipping was going to be the most expensive part).

No idea how long he'll be in prison.  At this point, he could be home as early as March or maybe next August or even later.   He is considered to have committed a non-violent crime and there is lots of over-crowding in the prison system.  He is very confused about how much of his sentence he'll need to serve, and since we get our information from him, we have no idea either.

Job Corp

FYI, Gary Job Corp will not accept Bear because he's a convicted felon.  Gotta figure out a Plan B.

Update

Posted by a friend of mine:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the children I cannot change,
the courage to help change the ones I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.

Something I'm still working on!

Kitty remains stable, but during a recent minor meltdown I learned a few things.

One, at one point Kitty yelled at me for not calming her down.  I remember thinking, "How ridiculous!  She's 18.  She's stable.  It shouldn't be my job to calm her down... oh wait.  It is.  I took a deep breath, stuffed down my anger and frustration, hitched up my big girl panties, and calmed her down.  Changed the subject, distracted, and moved on.  Nothing was resolved, but it wasn't going to be anyway.

We officially processed the meltdown a couple of days later in therapy, where she made the second point clearer:

Two, she's deathly afraid of emotions leading her back to being unstable.  This is why she's been isolating more and more.  She's trying to turn off her emotions.  This is a terrifying life or death feeling for her.

Three, she blames me for trying to drag her back to the family and not allowing her to shut herself off.  I'm the evil witch who is trying to force her to be unstable.  No, it's not rational.

And therapy continues...



Kitty is doing great in school, as usual.  She attends a couple of classes at the regular school, including one mostly mainstream math class.  Most of the rest of the time she's at the special school for kids who are emotionally disturbed where she gets a lot of positive feedback as a Merit student (she has the major advantage on not having to overcome acting out behaviors like the majority of the other students).  She has one period every other school day where she is supposed to be at work.  Since the job the school found her is only on Friday and Saturday night, I found her an unpaid job at a neighborhood book store.  She can walk to it during the last period on A days, work for an hour and be back in time to catch the bus home.

She is bored with the part-time book store job.  They have her shelving books for the whole hour (the horror!).  She told me she was going to get her case manager to tell them she quit.  I asked her if she'd told them she'd like to do something else at least part of the time... of course not.  She reminded me that I had relayed a heads up (I'd had a conversation with the book store owner early on in the placement) that the job could be boring at first, but if she hung in there they would trust her with more.  She's decided she can't "hang in there."  I let her know that I understand how hard it is for her to ask for things and stand up for herself, but she needs to at least ASK for a change before she quits.  I also told her that if she still decides to quit she needs to do the right thing and give them 2 weeks notice.  When I asked her what she planned to do during that hour (since the school can't change her schedule until mid-semester and I do NOT want her coming home almost 2 hours earlier with nothing to do and potentially no supervision if I ever get a job), she said a teacher at the special school had a class she could jump in to, but she doesn't need school credit.  She needs job experience.  Need to write to her principal tomorrow.


Bear is still in jail.  It's expected that he will go to prison in about 5 months (don't ask me to explain what's taking so long, I don't get it at all!).  He's still off his meds, but thinks he'll get to see a doctor any day now (of course he's been saying this for over a year).  It changes often, but currently he thinks he might be released about a week after going to prison.

He's told us that he believes someone will come to our home to ensure that it is appropriate for him while he's on probation (no drugs or weapons), but he doesn't think he'll be here long -- just long enough to get a job and a place of his own.  *sigh*  He doesn't understand things like deposits, getting a job as a convicted felon, transportation...

I haven't told the girls yet that plans have changed and he might be coming home before they graduate.  I know they won't be happy.  Kitty has stated several times that she won't live here if he is here.  More therapy work, but honestly, this is a relationship that she really needs to deal with, so I think this is for the best.  Not that I was expecting her to be out of the house before he got home anyway.  Kitty is probably not going to be ready to be independent for a long, long time.

Not sure how we'll get the bathroom finished.  It looks worse now than shown here, because we have now removed all the old tile so it's open to the studs.  We haven't figured out where the money is coming from (I'm still unemployed), and we thought we had more time.  Bear cannot share our bathroom, both because of his history of theft and sheer logistics (6 people sharing one bathroom would be insane - especially since several of them take impossibly long times in the bathroom).

Bob is getting ready to go to college.  She's writing essays, getting recommendations, getting phone calls and letters from recruiters... it's not all she talks about, but apparently it feels like it to Kitty.  Kitty uses this as an excuse to avoid the family.  While I definitely try not to "rub it in Kitty's face," I refuse to avoid the topic.  Bob worked hard to get here, it's a BIG part of her life right now, and she deserves positive affirmation on the subject.

Ponito is not growing much and I'm a little worried.  At 14 he's only 5'4" and less than 100lbs.  Tall and skinny is normal for our family, refusing to eat is not (OK, it was for all the anorexics, but I'm really hoping that's not the issue here).  I'm worried he's stunting his growth and that this might be a sign of a serious problem.  It's hard to draw the line between encouraging him to have a healthy, filling diet and pushing him hard enough to cause an eating disorder (if he doesn't already have one).  He is under a doctor's care, but she doesn't know what's wrong at this point.  Kitty of course doesn't get why he's encouraged to eat calorie heavy snacks when she's not allowed.  Food is such a trauma trigger for her.

Future Kids - negotiations with Hubby are on hold now.  I was hoping to have a child(ren) in our home before Christmas so adoptions would be final before Bear was released (he'd told us it would be 10 months to a year before his release) to avoid complications with the adoption agency, but obviously that's not possible if he'll be home in 5 months, so we'll have to decide if we still want to adopt after Bear moves out again.

Hubby and I will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary in March.  Every year for Christmas pictures we get all dressed - usually in evening gowns if the girls can outvote the boys.  Last year I made their dresses to put in my design book and demonstrate my ability to make prom dresses.  It didn't get me any extra sewing business.  This year I want to wear a wedding dress for my anniversary, and if I'm going to all that trouble, I might as well make it for Christmas pictures, right?  Which means for the girls too.  Which means I have to make 3 evening gowns in the next 3 weeks.  Which means I'm a little overwhelmed so I'm procrastinating.  :(

Current Med and Diagnoses Page.

I keep this one page document updated and with me at all times.  I also keep a copy in the front of the kids' 3 ring binders.  Their timelines are too detailed and long to keep printed out. I think of this as a summary.  

It's especially useful to have on hand when I need to fill out a health form for school, admittance forms for a psych hospital or residential treatment center, or new therapist or medical practitioner forms. It's also helpful to give to police officers and to child protective service workers (when we're reported for child abuse by a child who makes false allegations). I've even used it with a child's current provider as a refresher since they wouldn't have time to review my child's chart before an appointment, and that can greatly effect what they suggest/ prescribe. . 

It is amazing to me that people will usually believe information when it is in writing (doesn't seem to matter that I'm the one that wrote it!). If I verbally give the same information about my child, they often treat me like I'm overreacting, overemotional, overprotective, over controlling, have Munchhausen by Proxy...    

Another reason I like having this information in a document, is I don't have to repeat the information in front of my child, which can be a huge trigger for him/ her. 

Kitty Themom (K.) 8/8/13

Kitty Themom (K.) (birth name ___________ _________).  Born ##/##/##.  She is 18 and in 12^th grade.  Placed for adoption in Themom home with her brother, Bear (B.) on 11/06.  K. is Caucasian and Native American (_________ – not a Federally-recognized tribe and K’s father is reported to be full Native American - tribe unknown).  Adoption finalized 3/08. 

_ISD School Diagnoses (4/8/13):  (07) Emotional Disturbance; (08) Specific Learning Disability - Basic Reading skill, Written Expression, Mathematics calculation, Mathematics problem solving; (09) Other Health Impaired

Diagnoses: Neuropsych assessment (04/17/12 – The Center -Residential Treatment Facility)

Axis I:  309.81  Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, Chronic, by history

            296.80  Bipolar Disorder NOS, by history

            314.01  Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, Combined Type, by history

            294.9    Cognitive Disorder NOS (deficits in processing speed, working memory,

executive functioning, and visual memory) - Cerebral Dysrhythmia (TBI) – right temporal lobe. - which controls memory, hearing, understanding language (receptive language), organization, and sequencing.

            995.54  Physical Abuse of Child, Victim, by history

            995.53  Sexual Abuse of Child, Victim, by history

            995.52  Neglect of Child, Victim, by history

            307.6    Enuresis, by history, resolved

Axis II:  799.99  Diagnosis Deferred (R/O Borderline Personality Disorder - Emerging)

Axis III:             Obesity

            327.3    Circadian Rhythm Sleep Disorder / Insomnia (diagnosed 4/13)

564.0   Constipation, chronic

                        Acne

                         Esophoria – an inward deviation of the eyes, particularly when tired

                           (diagnosed 5/12)

Axis IV:   Problems with primary support group

               Social Environment

               Educational

Axis V:  GAF = 35-40 (4/17/12)

Mental Status Examination:  Mood: Stable | Thought Processes: Goal Directed   

                                                 Judgment: Significantly Impaired | Insight: Poor

K’s Emotional/ Social Developmental Age: approximately 6-10 years. 

   Previous diagnosis: 313.89 Reactive Attachment Disorder of Infancy or Early Childhood –                                                 not completely resolved.

11/16/2011 Neuropsych - ____ Center: 

Full Scale IQ -                                   ##       (4^th %ile – Well Below Average),

Verbal Comprehension –             ##    (19^th %ile – Below Average)

Perceptual Reasoning –                  ##      (25 %ile – Average)

Working Memory –                        ##       (3^rd %ile – Well Below Average)

Processing Speed –                      ##      (1^st %ile – Lower Extreme Range) 

7/26/12 Tested for Central Auditory Processing Disorder -scored within normal limits (better than 2 standard deviations below average for an adult - anyone >12 years of age) on 9 of the 11 MAPA subtests administered. She scored below (worse than) -2 SD on the Tap Test and SINCA (right ear) tests.  She is considered at risk for CAPD, but does not have it.  - All information must be presented shortly, simply and concretely in a calm, quiet, environment for Kitty to have maximum comprehension.  Kitty’s ability to handle stressful situations is low, particularly when aggravated by loud, chaotic environment, and she shuts down when overwhelmed. 

Current Psychotropic Meds:  T_____ 1800mg (mood stabilizer), S_____ XR 400mg (atypical antipsychotic), W____ XL 300mg, L____ 250 mg (mood stabilizer), I____ 4mg (regulator for ADHD), A____ 10mg (PRN sleep med), L____ 10mg (allergies).

---Page 2--- {I don't always include this page}

8/20/09 – 9/5/09  Neuropsych results from M RTC:  

P300 is absent.  (Means she has ADHD).

Cerebral dysrhythmia (brain damage/injury) in right temporal lobe.  {Temporal lobe controls your: Memory, Hearing, Organization and sequencing, Understanding language (receptive language).

Temporal lobe disorders: Exaggeration of emotions is sometimes seen with disorders of the temporal lobes.  Deep in the temporal lobes is the “limbic system,” a primitive system involved with emotions and memory (and to some extent sexuality).  Disorders here can turn anger into rage, sadness into suicidal depression, or anxiety into panic.  Electrical disorders in this area can result in atypical psychotic symptoms, inappropriate sexual behavior, and unusual fears.  Memory problems are common.  Temporal lobe patients are prone to “bad days” when their behavior is out of character.  They are unpredictable and may become depressed or explosive without provocation.

Right hemisphere disorders:The right hemisphere is important in visual spatial reasoning, visual memory, and organizational ability and pattern perception.  In addition, the right hemisphere is involved in the non-verbal aspects of communication such as facial expression, body language, gestures, and voice inflections.  Individuals who cannot express or comprehend such non verbal signals are at a social disadvantage.  Even with normal language, their lack of non-verbal signals makes their communication dull and ineffective.  If they cannot see patterns of social relationships or communicate effectively they may seem odd and be rejected by peers, resulting in problems that peak in adolescence.  Visual processing problems can produce learning impairments which impair schoolwork in math, science, and other visually learning classes. ~From Neuropsychiatry by Dan Matthew, M.D and Larry Fisher, Ph.D.

How We Keep Our Marriage Strong!

Hubby and I have been married for almost 20 years.  I had a rough childhood (not horrible, but not easy) and knew I had some pretty big men issues when I got married.  Hubby helped me through them and so I felt he would be an amazing dad to attachment challenged kids (not that we knew that's what we were getting!) - surprisingly, it didn't work out that way. He needed a lot of help figuring out how to do therapeutic parenting and his biggest contribution (huge!) was supporting me while I struggled through it. 

I think we have a very strong marriage now because he stuck with me through the early years and now I trust him.  We do still struggle with my issues somewhat, but he's super supportive.  A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with an Adult Attachment Disorder, which really surprised me.  This is NOT the same type of attachment disorder that my children have.  

One thing that I found helped a LOT was learning each other's Love Language and speaking it!  This is a lot easier when your "love tank" is full.  Which is one reason I find this post about Finding the Joy to be so important.

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus
I want to comment on the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus that I read early on in our relationship.  This book almost ended my marriage!  Not because it didn't have a lot of basic truths in it, but because I implemented them without communicating with Hubby.
  
A basic premise of the book is that women solve problems by talking them through with others (very true of me), and men solve problems by going in their cave, only coming out when they have a solution (right or wrong).  This perfectly described Hubby (who was slightly depressed).  So, feeling guilty for chasing him around and forcing him to talk to me about what is bothering him... I backed off and let Hubby have his time in his cave to work through his troubles.  Problem was, I forgot to tell Hubby (whose primary Love Language is Quality Time), and he thought I didn't love him anymore!!

{Early on in our marriage, I felt Hubby was suffering from depression, but he's an intensely private person and hates taking meds so he would never see a therapist or doctor.  I "tricked" him into seeing a therapist, by having him come with me to support me (I was seeing a therapist to deal with my depression and anxiety - I now know I have mild bipolar disorder.). "My" therapy sessions helped him a little, but obviously couldn't be very intense or he'd have figured it out! ;) }

***

Effects of Adoption on Our Marriage
Seven years ago, when the kids came to live with us, we didn't know anything about attachment disorders (and weren't told that the kids had RAD - or bipolar or pretty much anything else!).  The kids, especially my son, targeted me, but they hid it from Hubby, who they were afraid of (just because he's big and tends to speak firmly - he's really a teddy bear). This was a HUGE issue for me for a long time. At first, Hubby didn't see the behaviors (they were usually directed at me, the female caregiver and my kids have "Charming" RAD so were highly motivated to hide this type of behavior from everyone).

It took some not so gentle, pointing out that when Hubby didn't back me up, I felt Hubby doubted me, and that he thought I was lying and/ or overreacting. Since my Love Language is Words of Affirmation, not having his approval and support, made me feel drained. It took my therapist reminding him that I'm not a liar and that the kids often lie for him to eventually get to the point where he believed me even though he didn't really see the behaviors happening.


United Front
When Bob and Ponito were little,  occasionally one child would ask me for something, I'd say, "No," and then the child would go to Hubby and ask the same question, hoping for a different answer. We discovered early on that we had to be a united front. If we thought the other parent might not approve then the child was told that no decision would be made until the parents had a chance to talk about it.

All the kids quickly learned we were a united front (even if we disagreed behind closed doors). They also discovered that Hubby and I talked about EVERYthing, and the attempts to triangulate pretty much disappeared.

Generally, Hubby and I agree on a lot of things. Probably the biggest area of dissonance for us is discipline.


Therapeutic Parenting
When Hubby did finally see the kids' behaviors, he wanted to parent the way you would a neurotypical child, which doesn't work with our kids. I tried to show him the research I'd done and the suggestions/ guidelines I'd learned from it, but I think part of the problem was that he realized how structured our lives would have to become and he did NOT want the "warden" role. So he fought me on it, and maybe subconsciously tried to stay in denial.{Structure and Caring Support}

We have had some marriage counseling in recent years, but it tends to be more focused on helping us understand the kids better so we can be on the same page (we don't always agree on what is a child's disability, and therefore out of the child's control, and what is manipulation - I tend to see manipulation in Bear and he tends to see it in Kitty).

Hubby has never done all the reading I have and doesn't have time to attend seminars, but he's willing to listen to me talk about what I'm learning, and he did watch a couple of videos with me.

I've found that if I do a quick summary, hitting the highlights of interesting things I've read recently it works better than handing him something to read or "teaching" him what I've learned as though it's part of a class/ lecture. Usually, I mention things in relation to our kids, for example. Bear did __________ today, and I so wanted to do [typical parenting consequence - grounding, time out, take away something he values...], but based on what I learned about therapeutic parenting from ________, it was suggested that we [therapeutic parenting consequence - add more structure, time in, use these calming techniques until he gets out of fight/ flight/ freeze and gets regulated....].

Hubby usually attends some of the local support group meetings too, although it is definitely not his favorite thing to do. I love that he is willing to do this for me because it is for me that he's doing it, not the kids. Maybe that should bother me, but I'm just happy he cares about our marriage enough to be a part of this.

Daddy Discipline
I finally decided to step back and let Hubby handle discipline for Bear. I hid in the bedroom or bathroom a lot and said things like, "Your dad and I will talk about that when he gets home."

Hubby didn't do things the way I would have, and I couldn't get myself to step back completely, but it helped me to realize that even though Bear's life didn't look like I wanted for him, it wasn't because we didn't do something right or we did something wrong. I reread this post every time I start to feel guilty - You Have Not Failed!

The Biggest Things That Keep Our Marriage Strong:

1. RESPECT - we both respect each other and make it a priority not to hurt each other.  Hubby tells the kids they need to respect me because I'm his wife and he enforces it! Every time I hear someone
2. Speaking each other's Love Language!!! This is HUGE! It means even more to me that he tries to speak my language even though it's different from his own, and he was willing to
3. Making US a priority.  We schedule date nights and time alone!  Remember that the kids won't live at home forever.    Eventually (hopefully) the kids will move out and it will be just the two of us for as long as we live.
4. Support each other.  We step in and give each other breaks (tag team!), and try to prioritize and ensure the other gets self-care. I hate not having Hubby home, but I encourage him to go to the gym twice a week because he needs the break.
5. Don't depend on each other to get your needs met.  I know that I need a lot of support and validation, especially when I'm stressed.  I try to get a lot of that from multiple sources (including the internet and blogging), so the burden isn't entirely on my husband.
6. Self-Care! Making sure my emotional reserves are full so I have enough energy for our marriage as well as the kids. 

Prioritizing Yourself, Your Marriage, Your Family as a Whole, and Your Child - In That Order!!

Kitty vent - feel free to ignore!

Warning: vent to follow. Please feel free to skip!  My patience is just so thin right now! I need to get away from Kitty and all this mess, She and I disagree on what she should do next (and now that she's 18, "legally" she has a huge say in everything, even though emotionally she's only 8). It's hard enough living with an emotionally disturbed, mentally ill child, but everyone is feeding her all this entitlement  and she's loving it. I'm so tired of being the Dream Killer (my official title). We decided not to pursue legal guardianship (can't afford it and it's too late now to effect her senior year - which was one of the biggest factors), so everything is focused on what SHE wants, and what she wants is typical for a young child.  In other words, everything I suggest sounds boring - she wants the fun job instead (that triggers her issues and/or she doesn't have the skill or aptitude for) - the equivalent of a kid wanting to be a firefighter, ballerina or rock star. I need the school to give her some vocational skills she can actually use when she graduates (because despite what they've told her, she really isn't college material), which they didn't do for Bear, but all they do is ask her what she wants to be when she graduates, and then help her create goals to achieve that - which would be great if the goals were attainable - but they don't have to deal with that.  They just have to get her though the next year and then they're done. When I suggested to Kitty that we find a job that better fit her needs for the new school year, she flipped out. She's afraid of change, so she wants to stay at the job they found for her at the beginning of the Summer, despite it's many issues for her. We told the school she needed a job with very little noise and chaos (which is documented to cause her severe processing issues to kick in - dropping her IQ below 65 - which is considered intellectually disabled/ mentally retarded)... so they got her a job working in the game room/arcade of a huge entertainment center!    She works with a lot of teens - trigger, and drunks - trigger, who get rowdy - trigger, tease her - trigger, and break the rules - trigger. She's also expected to use computers and do math (her learning disabilities cause difficulties, which causes even more stress) - trigger. School starts Monday and she doesn't have a class schedule (Bob got hers on Tuesday, but Kitty's was blank). Kitty  was freaking out and requested at least some information from the principal of her special school (very proud of her for being proactive and doing this independently!), and today (Saturday - they start school Monday - he sent her what little they had).  One of the few classes they have given her, isn't actually right for what she needs. They told her that instead of going to the special school while they figure this out, they want her to go to the regular ed high school, where the chaos of over 3000 students trying to figure out their schedules, see all their friends, and get their own needs met is sure not to give my daughter any anxiety at all! At this point, all her developmental stages are tangled up (developmentally at 18 - she should be striving for independence - which is what the school and others are encouraging, but the reality is that emotionally/socially she is only 8 and is still very much needing a mommy.  So between gaps and delays and areas where she's actually on target -she's a chaotic mess.  One RTC said that they'd never before met a child who was aware enough to know she was being treated differently, but didn't have the corresponding insight to be able to self-help using DBT.  So I live with a child who wants to be treated like her neurotypical peers, but doesn't have the abilities to handle it, is told that she deserves all the privileges of her peers, has a distorted sense of reality (due to her many mental illnesses), and blames ME (due to her attachment disorder).  So we'll see. Part of me wants to step back and let the school realize that this kind of stuff is what sends her to the psych hospitals (after our family deals with the fallout for months), but since it's happened before, and they refused to acknowledge it then... I know that all that's going to happen is that she and our family are going to be dealing with the fallout while the school is totally, and deliberately, clueless. Since this is her senior year, by the time she surrenders to the stress - she'll almost be out of their hair, so they just don't care. To top it all off, she apparently used the vacuum to clean the cat room (which is tile!) and now it's dead (I discovered this as I cleaned it out - now I know [i]why it smelled like burning ). My son was vacuuming near the bathroom when we discovered the issues so I assumed the smell was coming from there (it actually was - she'd left poo all over the toilet last time it overflowed). I did make her clean the toilet, sweep up the cat  I pulled out of the vacuum, and take out the bathroom trash. She is now "exhausted" and grumpy from all the chores I inflicted on her. *sigh* In therapy all I hear is "What's the point, " when we talk about wanting her to isolate less, participate with the family more, talk to us about random things so it doesn't feel like the only time we talk to her is to "kill her dreams"... all she says is "I give up," "What's the point?" and "You want me to go back to the psych hospitals!"  She claims that when she used to try to talk to her about her complaints, we just said, "Deal with it."  Honestly, we had many more in-depth discussions than that, but the reality boils down to choice.  She can choose to focus on the negatives and the unfairness of life, or she can accept it and move on.  We try to "fix" what can be fixed, but as for the rest... yeah, she's just going to have to "deal with it." I'm assuming she's depressed, but she knows if she goes back to the psych hospitals she'd have to go to the adult side, which, rightly so, scares the snot out of her, BUT at the same time who wants to live for another 5-10 or more years with an angsty "teenage" child with entitlement issues!  NOT ME!! Kitty claims that we're rubbing Bob's achievements in her face, but the reality is we downplay it too much.  It's not fair to Bob that she can't talk about her life (getting a driver's license, going to Spain, going on college visits) - she deserves to be CELEBRATING!  It's her senior year and she's worked HARD!!  Yes, it sucks that Kitty isn't a neurotypical senior with no issues, but THAT'S NOT MY FAULT!!  It sucks even more that we're going to be going through this exact same thing in another year when Ponito starts getting his driver's license and talking about college. I just want to enjoy what little time I have left with Bob before she goes to college next year and Ponito who's starting high school this year.  I hate that both of them spend so much time isolating in their rooms to avoid Kitty drama.  I hate that Bob hates her sister.  I hate that Kitty wants everyone to be as miserable as she is, to prove that we care about her. I just want to be able to celebrate the achievements of all my kids (including Kitty), for my kids to be, if not happy then at least content, with their lives, and to maintain my joy.  Is that so wrong?! OK, vent over.  We now resume our regularly scheduled joy.