Rebuilding Trust

This is something I designed for the kids to use when writing their letters of apology for the FAIR Club assignment (which I'm still working on!).

Rebuilding Trust

Apologies and forgiveness are important because endless conflicts generate such deep and intense emotions. Even after the fighting stops, people still feel the pain, hurt, anger, fear, and hatred that produced the conflict and its horrors in the first place. Without apology and forgiveness, little progress beyond a ceasefire can be made.

To forgive does not mean you have to forget. In fact the opposite is true. We have to remember the past to keep it from happening again.

Immediately after breaking trust, you should act quickly to heal the relationship. This tells the victim that you are aware of the break in trust and care about your relationship. This also means the victim doesn’t have to deal with both suffering the consequences of the violation and having to confront you with the consequences of your behavior.

Apology - An apology has to be heartfelt and reflect true remorse for past actions.
Remorse – to feel guilt, shame, sorrow, and regret over one’s actions.
Regret –to feel badly about the choice you made and be disappointed in yourself.

A good apology should include:
1. Apologize for how you hurt the other person (victim). Be specific.
2. Give a thorough report of what happened. Take responsibility for your actions, and express remorse for the harm that the victim endured because of the event (even any parts that were not your intention or not directly due to your actions).
3. Also, be sure to carefully explain why you made the choices you made and what events led to the violation, so the victim can understand the events that led you to your decisions. This will help them see the reasons behind your actions and give them a better understanding of your beliefs and values that are likely to shape your actions in the future. It will also help them believe that you are not likely to repeat the action that hurt them. Your remorse indicates to the victim that you have also suffered as a result of your actions, and the victim may be less likely to seek revenge and or make the situation worse.
4. Be sincere. The victim is paying close attention to your motives and intentions, so you need to sincerely work hard to repair the harm from the event. Make every effort to show through your words and actions that you genuinely desire to earn the victim's trust again.
5. Make being trustworthy your daily goal – If there are few if any past trust violations, the chances for trust repair are better than in relationships with a history of trust violations or few trust-confirming events. Make it a priority to honor trust on a daily basis in order to make it easier for trust repair if needed again.
6. Restate and agree on expectations for the future, and be trustworthy in the future. You are likely to be on "probation" for a period, as the victim tests to see if you actually resume trustworthy behavior. Keep this in mind and take positive steps to by telling the victim exactly what they can expect from you. Then commit to following these standards in the future.
7. Reaffirm commitment to the relationship. Remind the victim of your shared goals and interests, as well as how much you value your relationship. Express your emotional attachment to the other party, and strive to demonstrate that the relationship is a top priority. You can re-gain your integrity and trustworthiness as you make obvious choices that show you care about the relationship more than your own self-interest.
8. Provide restitution/ penance(make it up to the person). Include in your verbal/ written apology the concrete actions you will do to show your good-faith effort to make up to the victim for the harmful effects of the violation. What the victim wants more than your kind words is something tangible (they can see, feel or touch), since they lost out on what they were counting on.

Wanna help write a FAIR Club assignment?

I get to come up with 4 FAIR Club assignments! *sigh*

Background Facts:

• I was at a seminar most of this weekend and Hubby was teaching scuba, so the kids spent all day Saturday with Grandma and Poppy.


• We got a Clearplay DVD player for Christmas so I've been letting the kids watch PG-13 movies on the Clearplay, but usually only after I've previewed them for disturbing themes (Clearplay doesn't remove violence or basic concepts - so if the whole movie is about sex like "Easy A" then it's not going to be censored and I'm not going to approve it!) plus there are some concepts that I don't think my kids with traumatic history need to be watching- no matter what the rating!).


• Kitty went to a birthday party, and the other kids were "bored" (which allegedly justifies the following actions somehow).


• Ponito just got ungrounded for watching rated M for Mature video games at a friend's house last week and is still not allowed to play at the boy's house because this was not his first offense. Only a few weeks before I'd caught them playing this boy's T for Teen game on our Playst*tion. Still not sure how I'm going to handle this.


• Hubby had supervised Bob and Bear at the movies that night to watch a PG-13 movie (Bear's treat to Bob for her birthday - yes, very sweet, but it also meant he got to go to the movies with his friends).

The Crime:

This weekend, Bear rented a couple of movies, including the PG-13 movie I Am Number 4 (which has been requested before and I said NO) while the Grandparents were still inside the grocery store. He, Bob and Ponito (who is only 12) started watching it at Grandma’s house while Kitty was at a birthday party.

They all know they are not allowed to watch PG-13 movies without Clearplay. Bob and Bear knew I had specifically said no to this movie (primarily because I felt it would trigger Kitty, but also because I saw no redeeming value in it and had heard it was really violent). Ponito may not have known the rating of the movie when he sat down to watch it, but I'm sure he realized it pretty quickly. Grandma asked if they were allowed to watch it when scantily clad women crossed the screen, but the kids ignored her. (We've had a long talk about "lies of omission" since this).

Kitty got home just in time to watch the violent climax of the movie. She was upset that everyone had gotten to watch it (triggering abandonment/ unloved issues because she was excluded) and asked to watch the beginning, but luckily Grandma realized she shouldn't see it. Kitty tattled to me... probably partially because she was angry they got to see the movie without her, but she also tends to tattle anyway, even on herself.

T was a little disturbed by the movie. I'm not sure about Kitty. Bob said she had loud nightmares in which she repeatedly called out "Mom," but that wasn't unusual so Bob insisted it had nothing to do with the movie. Bob also felt that she and Bear shouldn't be held accountable for Kitty's response, because it was "Ponito's fault" for telling her what movie they were watching (she probably would have wandered off when Bear and Bob told her "nothing" when she asked what they were watching- she's not big into watching TV).

Bear and Bob don’t see why they shouldn't be allowed to watch it, and honestly they have some valid points. Bob has read the book, and I've told her that I'll allow her to watch movies she's read... of course after I've previewed the movie to see if it's appropriate, which of course hadn't happened in this case. She knows that we'll let her watch some movies without Clearplay when her siblings aren't around... but it's Summer and that just doesn't happen often. Of course watching it in front of Ponito and Kitty is inexcusable.

Bear is 18 now, and technically doesn't even need my approval to watch rated R movies. The truth is though that I will continue to hold him to this, because I have no idea what triggers him. All I know is there are time when he is more angry and much harder to live with, and most of the time I don't know why because he doesn't open up about what's going on in that head of his. I have to assume sometimes it's because he's triggered by things that are going on around him, including movies.

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So I told the kids they were in the FAIR Club and why, and I thought their responses were pretty interesting.

Ponito - accepting. He's been in and out of trouble for similar issues all Summer, so I think he knew he was in trouble and why.

Kitty - wailing, tears and a minor meltdown, but more upset about being in the FAIR Club than why. She tried to argue me into giving her two weeks of grounding instead.

Bear - At first it was just Ponito and Bob in the conversation with Bear in the other room listening, but not participating. After I told Kitty when she wandered through the room, he tried to talk me into letting him take Kitty's punishment so he "didn't have to listen to her wail all week." I let him know that was part of his consequences for his own actions. He joined the conversation at that point, and argued with me a little (although he let Bob do most of the talking), and didn't shut down as much as he usually does (which was pretty impressive). Mostly he wanted me to assign a writing assignment right then, so he could get it over and done with in 20 minutes.

Bob - my little lawyer. She argued culpability on every point. She tried to manipulate and control the assignment. She told me I was wrong and even if I wasn't I should let it go. It was a 1.5 hour conversation in which she inadvertantly helped me flesh out the concerns I want to address in their writing assignments and some possible options.

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Bear wanted a group assignment, but I explained that each child was in the FAIR Club for a different reason.

• Bear as the purchaser of the DVD and technically an adult now was "Contributing to the delinquncy of a minor."


• Bob by allowing the younger kids to watch and not telling Grandma it was inappropriate was also "Contributing" and lying by omission.


• Ponito - was a repeat offender of watching media he knew was against the rules.


• Kitty - watching a movie she knew was against the rules (will also be working in something to help her get insight into her triggers).

So here are some of the suggested topics that might/should be put into the assignments:

1. 10 creative alternate activities - one claim was that they were watching the movie because they were "bored" (Bob said they should be "creative")


2. Contributing to the Delinquncy of a Minor (a Class A misdemeanor)


3. Lying by omission


4. How can you "undo" it? (Now that the movie has been watched and if someone was traumatized - how can you undo the damage?).


5. What effects do media have on people? Just because YOU can handle it...


6. Effects of media


7. Doing something you know mom disapproves of


8. Grandma can't trust them to inform her, and follow, the rules


9. I can't trust them unsupervised and outside the home (Ponito watching M for mature video games)


10. How would you have handled this situation if YOU were the mom?


11. What would you do differently if you could see Jesus in the room with you?


12. What would happen if these rules weren't in place?

He's an adult! Sort of...

Bear with his strawberry cheesecake as requested.

Today Bear turned 18! This means he is an adult!! His RAD is miraculously healed!!

I'm so excited.

Denial, not just a river in Egypt.

Bear and Kitty don't actually know what RAD is, and they have very minimal understanding of their other diagnoses either (bipolar, complex-PTSD, personality disorders...) because they are in denial.

They think if you say "NO!!" loudly and often enough then it won't be true.

"I do NOT have C-PTSD!!!"

Adult: "How do you know?"

"I just DON'T HAVE IT!"

Adult: "Testing and your behaviors show that you do." (Actually I rarely argue with them anymore, we just keep plugging along, addressing the issues.

"Well, I DON'T HAVE IT!!! It's my body! I KNOW!!!!

Adult: "Do you understand what it is?"

"YES, and I DON'T HAVE IT!" (actually they don't know what it is)

Adult: "It comes from the abuse that you dealt with when you were younger. It's going to require work on your part to deal with it, but you've already come a looong way."

"I don't have it. I don't need therapy. I don't need to deal with my past. There's nothing to deal with."

Adult: "*sigh*"


REPEAT for EVERYthing, allergies, other diagnoses, bedtime, learning disabilities...


Luckily?! This time, Kitty is right. She doesn't have Celiac disease, but she still has food allergies. I told her this morning that she doesn't have Celiac, but the doctor recommended she stay on the gluten free, citric acid free diet.


Kitty said she'd stay gluten free, but she wants citric acid back. She "can't live" without ketchup. I told her we still had some experimenting to do with gluten (there's a small possibility that we just weren't paying enough attention and allowing her to have foods with citric acid - a really common preservative- even after we removed the more obvious foods. When we had to read labels for gluten free we caught a lot more of the citric acid containing foods. Never occured to me to check her favorite food -- butter!

Kitty tried to bargain with me. "I'll be gluten free, just give me back citric acid." She tried denying the citric acid allergy, but that was much harder since we have lots of proof of that allergy - years of mouth sores and tummy aches.

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Thanks for the heads up on the celiac testing. She'd only been off wheat for 5 days and the doctor said that wasn't long enough to skew the tests (but who knows!).

Kitty's celiac bloodwork did come back negative, but the doctor recommended staying on the diet if it was helping (which it is). Still, would be easier if for Kitty to understand this if she had Celiac. Right now she thinks she can bargain her way out of it, and we're already dealing with crying and meltdowns.

Today was Bear's "gotcha" day (officially adopted 3 yrs ago), and we always celebrate with sparkling grape juice... which has citrus. She went to bed early and didn't participate.

There's still a possibility that it's "just" an issue with citric acid, I can't believe how much food citric acid is in! Ironically, even the med I was giving Kitty for her chronic constipation has citric in it! We've found quite a bit of gluten free options in restaurants and at the grocery store, but I'm amazed at how many have citric acid. I've told her one more week of staying "clean," and then we'll try adding gluten back.


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Bear turns 18 tomorrow and I've spent most of the day trying to get his paperwork straightened out (18 is the age of majority in our state so they've cancelled his Medicaid because he's now an "adult," but it was supposed to be extended to 19 because he's still in high school and is still receiving adoption support.)

Emotional Energy

In family therapy we've been talking about Bear's interaction with women, me in particular. The last couple of weeks we've talked about how he's supposed to be sharing his feelings with Hubby and I in scheduled "one on one" time (scheduled, because he claims we never have time to talk to him). "My" time was supposed to be Friday afternoons when Hubby worked from home and could watch the littles while I went to pick up Bear from work.

Sometimes of course, the logistics of this don't work. Especially with my car breaking down consistently. Some days I managed to be alone in the car with Bear in the mornings on the way to work. I decided to sit quietly and see if he would initiate conversations (since his biggest complaint was that I was unavailable). Usually we end up sitting in silence for about 1/2 the trip. Then I would ask an innocuous question (how did you sleep?) or he would start complaining about something (usually about how I was forcing him to work a job he hates, preventing him from getting a job at a local boot store, and therefore ruining his Summer...).

Hubby has been encouraging me to not let him get away with this behavior, so I've been informing Bear when he hurts my feelings or I feel attacked by his tone of voice and statements. Then poor Hubby has to listen to me vent because I'm so triggered by Bear's behavior.

This morning's argument: Started out with the random comment that he wasn't planning on taking PE this school year. I reminded him that it was recommended to help him with focus. He fussed at me then said he was planning on going back on the ROTC team this coming school year. When I asked him why, especially after he dropped out a year and a half ago when he found out he wasn't eligible for the military, he went on the defensive. Any question, comment, and finally my silence... and he was jumping down my throat.

Conversations with Bear are never about anything but what he's interested in, school, work or something "therapeutic" (his history). I could probably list on one hand the time he and I just chatted or joked around (and honestly I can't think of one). He's been trained by others to ask, "How was your day?" but it's obvious he doesn't want to hear the answer.

In the joint family therapy we started recently I've noticed that both Kitty and Bear tune out if the conversation isn't about them right then. Conversation isn't really the right word. It's more like interviews. The kids rarely speak to each other at all (every now and then they might contradict something the other said, but only if they're paying attention).

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Something has to change. I have enough on my plate that I don't have a lot of emotional energy. I need to decide where best to "spend" my energy. Some people I expend energy on give back, like Hubby and Ponito. Some don't give back as much, but I know that my energy is making a difference so I consider it "worth it."

I'm trying to decide if it's worth it to keep focusing so much of my energy on something that drains me so thoroughly, especially while I'm dealing with Kitty's meltdowns too. So I tried to look at this logically.

My biggest concern is am I trying to hold him accountable for something that he's not capable of changing? When we talk about our discussions, he doesn't remember them. I don't know if this is a defense mechanism, if he slips into fight, flight or freeze mode and the adrenaline rush of the life or death feeling wipes his memory, or if his memory issues really prevent him from remembering (object permanence). As Hubby put it, "It's like trying to teach a pig to dance. It frustrates you, and annoys the pig."


Here's some of the options I'm considering:

1. Status quo- I ruled out sticking with status quo pretty quickly. I think that's the definition of crazy. Doing something over and over and expecting the results to be different. There's a small possibility that it's getting through to him and he just needs a lot of repetition, but frankly after over 4 years of this, with only this much to show for it... it's not enough.


2. Removing myself from the equation. Not being alone with him anymore. Not allowing him to sit in the front seat of the car if we're alone. Shutting down conversations if they even start to drift in a negative direction.


3. Confrontation - Taping one of our "conversations" and playing it in therapy so we can talk about what's going on. This is Hubby's favorite option. I think Bear will just shut down and feel criticized. He told me today, the only thing he's "perfect" at is running and fighting. He emotionally shuts down or "freezes" with men, and "fights" with me and other female caregiver types.


4. Forcing a change by making it no longer comfortable for him to continue (consequences, removal of privileges...). With the focus being "fake it until you make it."

• Losing privileges until earn trust (have to find concrete ways to do this)


• FAIR Club - writing assignments and behavior assignments (ex. have to have 10 appropriate conversations, possible with written conversations starters).


• Scripting - teach him the right words, "Here's where you say ____________."


• Repetition for tone - have him repeat something until he can say it in a pleasant tone of voice.


• Have to give 5 positives for every negative comment.


• Require apologies and other repairs to relationships.

Hubby already sort of started this. He told Bear that Bear's cell phone was in "time out" until Bear had a polite conversation with me about random topic (my experience traveling in Europe when I graduated high school). Bear put it off until bedtime, when Hubby checked in to see if he'd done it. When Bear approached me 30 minutes after bedtime asking to talk to me, I told him this was not the time for conversations. He wandered off, muttering about not being willing to wait.

I'm really tempted to record tomorrow morning's conversation when I tell him he's going to have to sit in the back seat on the way to work because I'm not willing to talk to him in the mornings anymore.

Items of Note

Things I've dealt with in between all the pool table tournaments being played by Ponito and most of the neighborhood kids. Apparently in addition to playing pool, they must drink soda, be super loud and eat tons of candy and chips.

Today Bear decided to bring home his own "crew" so they alternated with the tons of little boys playing pool and PS2. Bear had gotten off work early and started playing with the little boys, but he wandered off (not sure if it was because they were better at pool than him, were teasing him, or if they was just too many of them - Bear's uncomfortable in crowds). Next thing I know he's got 2 friends over and they're taking over the pool table (the littles had all moved upstairs to the PS2).

Kitty giggled, teased and got triggered by the teens. Bob hid in her room talking to her friends on Facebook to invite them all to her birthday party this weekend (she's going to have a Harry Potter Movie Marathon... she's hoping Kitty will want to stay with Grandma instead). Bear is having his own b-day party (which so far he's struggling to get even one person to attend) at the lake with Ponito and Hubby.

Items of Note for Kitty's "team":

1. Neuropsychological testing - We did get Medicaid to approve neuropsych testing for both kids – thank you all for your help. My apologies for getting so frustrated. Of course after all that work, the neuropsychologist we’d chosen decided Medicaid was not reliable enough about payment and passed. I’ve got a call in to _______________and they will put Kitty on the waiting list for neuropsychological testing, but are still considering whether or not to take Bear since he’ll be 18 next week. Testing wouldn’t start until next month at the earliest.


2. Sleep Study approved - Kitty has not been sleeping well at night. (On the other hand, there’s been some concern expressed that she’s getting “too much” sleep.) Removing the Clon*dine helped a lot with the daytime sleepiness, but she is still sleepy (possibly an escape mechanism). We mentioned night terrors to the pediatrician who snapped that she’s “too old” for night terrors. I think she’s just not familiar with PTSD (actually I think she's a witchy idiot), but maybe you guys would know. Kitty snores, is extremely restless – sheets are usually twisted off the bed, often talks in her sleep, screams loud enough to wake others, wet the bed until age 14, wakes frequently and claims to be unable to go back to sleep for ½ an hour – she often gets up and uses the restroom and eats.


3. After the last two days of meltdowns, the pdoc increased her Traz*done (sleep med) another ½ to 1 tab (from 200 to 250 or 300mg), but last night she slept “fine” on her old dose of 200. She claims that it was because she had a shot (she had blood drawn)?! I’m guessing she was tired after two days of meltdowns. We’ll see how she does tonight. FYI, she missed her morning meds yesterday morning. *sigh*


4. Kitty’s emotional eating is getting worse. Every time I turn around she’s getting a “snack” (a large sandwich, full size serving of leftovers, big bowl of cereal, bag of popcorn, ¼ cup of peanut butter, tortilla pizzas, carrot sticks drowning in ranch…) The food is healthy, but moderation is not in her vocabulary. She’s gained 13 lbs since her last appointment in April.


5. Celiac testing. Kitty is finally willing to get on board with changing her diet to see if we can get rid of the stomach aches. Removing citric acid helped, but at her EMDR’s suggestion we tried gluten free and her stomach aches are gone. She was tested yesterday for Celiac. She’s enjoying feeling special and getting food that no one else gets so is very compliant… for now.


6. {Useless CaseManager}, could you please check Kitty’s FIE {school evaluation} on file and see if it has all the pages? The copy I have is missing about half (they double-sided it and only got every other page) and had lots of duplicates. It seems like when we did intake that you guys were going to request the original FIE from the school district (which of course I can’t do until school starts again). We’ll need the full FIE for the neuropsych testing.

Thanks,
Mary

Melting in the Texas heat

Yesterday Kitty had a big meltdown in which she was telling me the usual: I hate her, she hates this family, begging to go "home" (back to Nebraska to live with bio mom), threatening suicide ( - by clawing her nails into her neck?!)... the usual. I knew she wasn't going to kill herself so I was cleaning the kitchen and trying to keep her from escalating by my evil presence (ironically I couldn't win this because I was a horrible mom for "not caring" that she was going to kill herself). Frankly Bear had already told me what a horrible person I was all morning, and I was a little tired of hearing it.

So I decided to let her call her useless MHMR CaseManager who had decided on her own two months ago that Kitty didn't need an RTF so just stopped pursuing it. The CM listened to Kitty's side of the story ("Evil Mom wouldn't let her nap, even though she's exhausted because she's not sleeping well at night, and E.M. was telling her she needed to get up and do 20 minutes on the treadmill..." {previously arranged consequence for her defense mechanism of escaping by napping}). The CM tried to confirm Kitty's story, while Kitty was still wound up, which made it hard to concentrate, but I did confirm that Kitty claimed she hasn't been sleeping well, and that we were trying to get her a sleep study (at which point the CM told me that I had to go through Kitty's pediatrician to get this).

Today the MHMR Skills Trainer called to see how Kitty was doing... right in the middle of another melt down . When I called her back I was lectured on how I was supposed to be using the techniques she was teaching Kitty (a gentle exercise routine they "developed together" that Kitty will never actually do, but wouldn't hurt the woman's feelings by telling her that), and I'm supposed to be giving Kitty "more praise since she obviously didn't get a lot of that in her childhood." She also lectured me on how, "It's hard for parents of teens to know when to 'let their kids have more freedom.'" My daughter may be healing from her RAD, but she still has all her skills. She has this woman totally wrapped around her finger.

I'm still fuming, and Kitty flipped her swtich hours ago and is "fine" ...for now. She did let me know (at 5pm) that today's meltdown was because she'd forgotten to take her morning meds. *sigh* The CM called today and said she'd gotten hold of the pdoc and upped Kitty's sleep med (less than a week ago I was told I was letting her sleep too much *sigh*).

Did get an appointment with the pediatrician for Kitty today. Findings:

1. Blood pressure a little high.



2. Gained 13lbs in the last 3 months!



3. They took blood for labwork to test for Celiac Disease. She's been gluten free for almost a week and her chronic stomach aches have gone away.



4. We got the referral for the sleep study.

To make everyone's tempers sooooo much better, the repairs to my vehicle's air conditioning did not work. We're going to have to take it back in, and probably pay to have something else repaired. The "Service Engine Soon" light is on. *sigh*

On a positive note, I did get a recommendation for a potential job. The person who told me about it said there was only one area where she didn't know if I met the qualifications... I had to have a child with a serious emotional disturbance! Ummm...