EEEEEWWWWWW!!!!!!!

Stripping out Bear's room. I don't have to tell you how it's going... I'm sure you could hear my EEEWWWWWSSS! And if you missed mine, then I"m sure you heard my daughter's when she realized she'd just picked up a used condom with her bare hands. Poor Bob!

Got most of the stuff sorted - one rubbermaid box of stuff he might want to keep. 8 kitchen garbage bags, 20 loads of laundry, only one garbage bag of dishes!, relatively small pile of stuff that's not his (it hasn't been that long since I searched last)... he's definitely got some hoarding issues.

Now to sand down the walls (he spits EVERYwhere), rip out the carpet (same reason), get rid of the fish tank and most of the broken and permanently stained furniture, mend the holes in the wall... then all I have to do is wash all the laundry and figure out what to do with it, repaint the walls, replace the ceiling fan, lay the new floor squares... and figure out what to do with the space. I guess convert it into a guest room when the smell is gone.

Oh and try to reclaim the kid bath that no one else would share with him, but I think for a lot of that we're going to have to hire a professional.

The doors for the playroom came today and Poppy is installing them. Hubby is helping a little, but is mostly frustrated with the way Poppy has decided to do it, but since Poppy paid for the doors he doesn't feel comfortable complaining.

Kitty coming home by mid March?!!

Letter to the RTF family therapist:

I guess I’m confused. Is Kitty capable of doing DBT at all? My understanding from our conversation in family therapy was that she could “practically teach” the DBT class, but was unable to access the skills when in the heat of the moment. I also heard from you that emotionally she’s only 6yrs old (which I certainly agree with), and therefore DBT and trauma work is beyond her. Which is it? In your email, you mentioned that the problem might be that the Center crams a year of info in 4 months and Kitty is not able to keep up, and suggested she might be better off doing outpatient DBT. I have several problems with this.

• I’m still confused as to whether or not Kitty is capable of doing DBT at this time.


• Another is that you mentioned the Center goes through the DBT skills so quickly because the kids in the center are in crisis, our biggest concern is that when Kitty is HOME, she is in CRISIS.


• If the Center is going through the course too quickly for Kitty, would it not be better to REPEAT the course while in the Center and not in active crisis from being with family and in school?


• Another big problem of course is that so far I’ve only found one DBT group for teenage girls and it is at LEAST $50 a session and they meet weekly. $200-250/month is of course NOT in our budget.

I have to tell you I am extremely overwhelmed by Kitty returning home without having made any improvements (as evidenced by her blow up on Friday – and repeated blow ups every family visitation). Another understanding I came away with from family therapy was that Kitty can’t handle trauma work right now so we will need to pull her out of EMDR/ trauma therapy. This means she would drop to therapy just once a week with her attachment/somatic therapist. You guys may not know what “freak out” means for Kitty {therapist mentioned that in a group, Kitty said if she was forced to go to the special school and deal with Bob that she would "freak out," but refused to clarify what "freak out" meant to her} , but we most certainly do, and I’m terrified about what this means for the family.

If therapy and coping skills are not going to work, then it feels our only recourse is medication. As you know, at staffing we decided to add another mood stabilizer to Kitty’s medications. Lamict*l is supposed to be very effective but takes a LONG time to build up in her system because it has to be increased very slowly to prevent a fatal rash. They had started her on it at home, but just before she came to the Center we did a “med wash” during one of her many psych hospitalizations and they took her off of it. I am glad you are acknowledging that she needs to stay at the Center until we can get her up to a therapeutic dose.

We also discussed at staffing starting Kitty on ADHD meds again, but she’s been hyper focused on hiding her difficulties with focus and impulsivity at school (more people pleasing) so the doctor wasn’t seeing a need to add the med. She mentioned her concerns to the doctor as well, but of course the Lamictal is first priority. I do have to wonder if getting her on ADHD meds would help with the impulsivity and give her a few seconds she might need to make a choice to use her DBT skills instead of dropping immediately into fight, flight or freeze mode.

I plan to bring Kitty’s sister (our biodaughter, Bob, age 15), to family therapy this week (tomorrow). If we’re moving up the time table then maybe it would help to deal with some of Kitty’s issues with jealousy about what Bob is able to do/handle despite being younger than Kitty. Somehow we need to get Bob to understand that even though the girls are in the same grade, they do not have the same skills or responsibilities/ privileges. Bob is still out of school with mono (The doctor is not concerned about her being contagious. She’s not showing many signs of mono at all – just a low grade fever, and she’s very conscientious about not getting her saliva on anyone – no licking! *grin*).

I’ll be honest; I think that if Kittyis released this soon, we’re going to go right back to Kitty being completely overwhelmed by life and right back to spending alternate weeks in the psych hospitals. The Center may not be the perfect place for her, but I’m not sure what our alternatives would be.

Thank you,

Mary

I'm done.

I know I've said it before, but I really am done.

It's too much. The stupid pdoc was actually encouraging Bear's plans to move to Hawaii (apparently his latest Kleenex girl has family there) after graduation, was "proud" of him for losing 18lbs in the last 3 weeks because he's overweight, and basically acted as though I was an overprotective mama and Bear was doing great.

I told Bear when he came by tonight I was giving him a week's worth of meds at a time from now on. When he talked about Senior pictures and graduation invitations I was noncommital, and just asked him to give the photographer (our cousin) my love. I'll tell him when to go to the orthopedist for his hand (which he really did fracture), but I'll try to make it so I don't have to go.

I'm done. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I've got too much on my plate, and he could care less. He expects no better anyway. I hate that Hubby doesn't agree, and I feel guilty about continuing to take adoption subsidy money for the next few months (until he turns 19 in July), but we can't afford to not have it.

Now all I have to do is figure out how to stop crying, and focus on getting services in place for his sister before she gets home in a few weeks. NOTHING has changed with her. They're sending her home because the program is moving too fast for her, not because she's healed in anyway.

Validation at a staffing

Kitty would "rather die" than let anyone see her as less than perfect. When you remove some of the stress (family especially), then she can really hide her issues. Plus she really does have major issues with impulse control and processing - so she can't access coping skills when she's "in the moment."

I did a staffing with the treatment team (psychiatrist and nurse) at the residential treatment facility via conference call. I'd asked them to speak to them before Kitty came into the room. I got pretty passionate about it, because I was freaking out about her coming home so soon. Maybe I was too passionate. I think the pdoc started discounting what I was saying.

Good news. I got them to put her on a second mood stabilizer (Lamictal - which takes forever to get in her system) so hopefully that will help when she gets home. The pdoc started to put me off until we saw how she did on a pass, but I informed him that she was HORRID at the last family visit (most of them really), and we were afraid to take her on a pass.

I told the staffing team she also had been complaining about not having an ADHD med to help with focus. The pdoc said, "well, the school and staff say she's fine. She's making As and Bs and doing well." I tried to tell him she was probably doing everything in her power to maintain her "perfect" image. I also argued that this might be why she's having issues with impulsivity and inability to do her DBT skills when in the moment. He still said, "no."

Have to admit I LOLed (quietly) when he asked her about ADHD issues after she came in the room... and she said EXACTLY what I said. They're still going to add the Lamictal first and then focus later on the ADHD meds. She also apologized to me about her behavior at the last family visit. A little validation for me.

Going to the doctor with Bear

Bear called me at 7am stating that his hand was "distorted and purple" and he needed to go to the doctor. His friend would take him to school, but didn't have the gas money to drop him off at our house for me to take him in for an appointment. I discovered that he'd injured his hand on Thursday (5 days before!), but he hadn't bothered to tell us or show us when he'd picked up his meds Friday or Monday night (Grandma didn't know any better and let him take most of his weekend meds on Friday - Hubby and I were in Houston when he dropped by to pick them up). He said he hadn't mentioned it because it was "fine" most of the time, but it "fluctuated." It just really hurt this morning.

On the way to the school to pick him up as arranged, I called the doctor's office and the earliest I could get an appointment wasn't until after 11am. So he'd have plenty of time to go to first period of the day, Philosophy, which he's failing... but he'd decided he "couldn't make it." He did look exhausted. He told me he wasn't sleeping well (denied it later to the doctor though).

He also said we "should probably talk," but didn't say much, except to ramble about "getting a fresh start" in Hawaii*. He pointed out he’s been gone for 3 weeks and is doing OK… then just dropped the conversation. Later he was "bragging" that he'd made $147 this week (which he was using to pay for rent and gas money to his work). I pointed out that if he didn’t have health insurance (Medicaid) this visit to the doctor would have cost well over $300.

After looking at his hand, I could tell it hurt, but it didn't seem anything like he'd described, "broken, purple and distorted..." I insisted he put ice on it (he didn't like that because it made it hurt - doctor later told him to put ice on it 2-3 times a day even though it hurt a little at first. I really liked this new doctor!). The nurse asked him if he was coming in for "that old injury."

Bear told me the school athletic trainer had reset it when he did it on Thursday (apparently fooling around with friends and it got slammed in a car door), and it had had to be reset again later... I have no idea whether that was true. He claimed sometimes it hurt and sometimes it was better and that was not why he did not tell me sooner.

He told the school nurse that he hadn't eaten since making a steak lunch for his girlfriend on Sunday (this was Tuesday morning!) so I said we'd stop by the house and pick up some food since we had plenty of time before going to the doctor. He refused, claiming he wasn't hungry in the morning. So I figured if we weren't going home, then I've been putting off going grocery shopping for over a week, and asked if he was OK with that. He agreed so we did a major shopping trip.

During the shopping trip, Bear started to ask me for vitamins to make up for the food he’s not eating (apparently someone is telling him he might be anemic?), but we got interrupted by the mom of one of Ponito's friends – I did bring it up again and tell him he already takes a multi vitamin.

We got back to the house and he helped unload groceries without my having to ask (he likes to carry in as many bags as possible). Then while I unpacked the groceries, he continued texting who knows how many people, like he'd been doing most of the time in the store and car, then fell asleep. I got him to drink a yogurt drink on the way out the door, and after the doctor appointment, on the way to get x-rays, I stopped by a fast food restaurant and bought him a meal... but he didn't finish all of it.

He reeks of cigarettes. When the nurse asked if he smoked, he replied, "No," and I made a derisive noise. After the nurse left, he asked why I'd laughed and I said, "Because you told her you don't smoke." He said, "I don't smoke. I just dip." {I already knew this, but still, Eewww!!} I told him that I know that's not true, and he paused (probably trying to figure out how I knew) and then said, "Well, smoking every now and then doesn't count." I assured him that yes, it does count, and the correct response would have been, "Yes, occasionally." We talked briefly about asthma, the effect of smoking on his nerves/ pain, how bad it is for the body...

Scariest part of the visit?! He's lost 18lbs in 3 weeks!!! We talked about how important eating is for his meds to work, for him to stay healthy, for his overworked kidneys to get what they need... and how weight loss this rapid could be a sign there's something wrong. Once I pointed out the weigh loss to the doctor (who's never seen him before), she became concerned about his weight loss too (although she mentioned it wasn't all bad since he was very overweight before), and seemed to focus in on it possibly being due to an increase in his Conc*rta (which can inhibit appetite) or depression.

She recommended a finger splint (didn't have time to go home and get one), an x-ray (should get results back tomorrow morning), moving up his next psychiatrist appointment (appointment on Thursday afternoon - don't know if I can get him to miss work or taking Senior Pictures, which he'd hoped to schedule for that day). She also fussed at him a little for not taking care of himself and questionned him about why he'd moved out of the house. {Yea!}

I got him back to school just in time for him to go to "work." He didn't come by and pick up his meds this evening.

I hate this. I'm still stressed from dealing with him all day.




*Hawaii - Bear told me he wants a “fresh start” - Is thinking about moving to Hawaii after graduation to “work for a landscaping company”that might want to hire him. Says it’s $1500 for rent/ $500 utilities. After questioning what he needed a "fresh start from?" (no answer), I pointed out he didn’t add food into the equation (expensive!) and a plane ticket out there.

He was asking if the SSI would transfer to Hawaii. I informed him that if he has a job (that makes more than $650/mo) he can’t get SSI. If he doesn’t have SSI or a full-time job with health insurance, then he can't afford meds (which are over $2K a month, and even with just co-pays would be prohibitive). No answer.

More Good, Bad and Ugly Updates

Could use more prayers (as usual).



Good news: Bear is still living with friends. He's still coming home almost every night for his meds, but...





Bad news: He's no longer going to therapy, starting to skip school, and apparently has decided he's done with family.






Good news: Although Bob has been home with mono for over a month, she has mild symptoms, is keeping up with her school work, and is actually cuddly. I'm really enjoying this mother/ daughter time.





Bad news: The doctor says she can go back to school as soon as she's fever-free (and she's probably not really contagious as long as she keeps her saliva to herself. No licking! *grin*). Still no sign of being ready to go back to school.






Good news: My baby turned 13 last week. The fever he had earlier in the week was apparently not Mono.





Bad news: My BABY turned 13 last week. Now all my kids are teenagers.








Good news: While he doesn't enjoy it, Hubby has a good job that pays the bills and while extra income from me working would be great, we can afford for me to stay home and take care of the kids for now.





Bad news: Hubby is feeling guilty about his contract job not having health insurance so is thinking about taking any job he can get so we can have health insurance that will pay for Kitty to go to partial day hospitalization when she gets home.



Ugly news: In a discussion with Kitty's family therapist (without Kitty in the room), we were told that the residential treatment center doesn't think their program is going to work out for Kitty. They plan to start transitioning her back home over the next 4-6 weeks.





The reasons they gave:

• She's too young developmentally. The therapist mentioned regression to about age 6yr.




• The removal of some of her major stressors (family and peers) has enabled her to suppress most of her anxiety so that she doesn't have to work on it while in therapy/ group. She just denies having anything to talk about. Plus she's mostly able to control her behaviors/ emotions because she's not overwhelmed (at home, the smallest issue pushes her over the edge because she's always right there on the edge).




• Sometimes she trots out a trauma from her past in therapy or group, but it's like she's just telling a story. Not actually processing the trauma. My guess is these are events she's already processed.




• She's so "therapized" she can practically run the sessions, but when she's actually in the moment and gets emotional, that part of her brain shuts down and she goes into fight, flight or freeze mode, so she is unable to access the skills and training when she actually needs it.

After the family therapy session, we had a visitation with Kitty, and basically nothing's changed... except she's a little more angry with us for sending her away. I'm assuming when she gets home we'll get a honeymoon period for as long as she can control her emotions... which might be only minutes.





Everyone has been telling her she's 16 (almost 17) and she's entitled to all the privileges that go with that (watching teen TV shows, hanging out with friends at the mall, learning to drive...)... but she can barely function at a basic level (hygiene, simple chores, maintaining emotional stability...).





She's NOT diagnosed FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) or intellectually disabled (although her processing is well below 70). In fact she's borderline on pretty much everything (including Borderline Personality Disorder) so she doesn't qualify for services and no one sees any obvious disabilities that we can point to and say... "quit telling her she's normal!"





The hardest part is Bob(15) is in the same grade as Kitty. Biodd is smart, responsible, emotionally stable (well, as emotionally stable as any other teenage girl) ... and Kitty is sooo jealous. Just being in the same house makes her worse.





Kitty thinks she's "normal," and therefore we're just being cruel and unusual, love Bob more, and think she's bad and needs to be punished.





After the last couple of weeks having just Bob and Ponito at home, I've realized how hard it's going to be to have Kitty back home; although it will help that Bear is out of the house (assuming he doesn't come back). I worry that both of the kids are going to go back to disappearing and spending all their time in their rooms for the next few years or longer. I worry that we're out of options since the psych hospitals have said there's nothing they can do for Kitty. This was the only treatment center that seemed like it would make a difference.





I'm terrified.





We aren't going to tell Kitty for awhile, in the hope that she'll continue to work hard while she's there.

Adult Attachment Disorders: Preoccupied Attachment

I just realized I never included the 3rd type of attachment disorder (probably because this is the one of which no one in my family is diagnosed).

Children who have an anxious ambivalent attachment often grow up to have preoccupied attachment patterns. As infants and children, they received inconsistent caregiving - caregivers responded to them in an erratic and unpredictable manner. At times parents were under-involved and emotionally unavailable, while at other times they were overly attentive, intrusive and "emotionally merged" with their children's feelings. Because of this inconsistent parenting style, these children learn from a very young age to heighten and exaggerate their attachment signals- they turn it up a notch- so they are seen, heard, and try to get more reliable care. Occasionally it works, so they keep it up.

As adults, these individuals may look self-absorbed, irritable, demanding and angry. But they are often self-critical and insecure. They seek approval and reassurance from others, yet this never relieves their self-doubt. In their relationships, deep-seated feelings that they are going to be rejected make them worried and not trusting. They have difficulty making decisions and sticking with them- they get caught up in a "thought circle," going back and forth in their minds (racing thoughts); it keeps them from feeling deeply. These people's lives are not balanced: their insecurity leaves them turned against themselves and emotionally desperate in their relationships. They tend to act out impulsively.

People who are preoccupied with attachment tend to agree with the following statements: "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them." Compared to securely attached people, people who are preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They often doubt their worth as a partner and blame themselves for their partners' lack of responsiveness. They also have less positive views about their partners because they do not trust in people's good intentions. People who are preoccupied with attachment may experience high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry and impulsiveness in their relationships.