This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

It's too much.

It's too much.  After a grueling therapy session following a bad week full of more verbal abuse, which has finally caused me to seriously think of dissolving 17yo Kitty's adoption for my own protection, I received this text from 18yo Bear who moved out in January.   "U r really screwed up u know that right"

When I texted him back asking what the heck he was talking about since only this morning I'd taken him to the orthopedist to check on the cast he was supposed to be wearing (ripped it off recently) for breaking his hand AGAIN and he was rude, but fine.  After I'd dropped him back at school, he'd called Hubby and asked for $20 for lunch.  He gets free lunches at school, but Hubby had given him $20 last week and I guess he thought he deserved more.

I received this text almost an hour later, "U heard me im taking yall to court by the way"  No response to my texts and it's been over 4 hours.

Hubby is worried because we've continued receiving Bear's adoption subsidy, even though he moved out mid-January.  We've justified it by the fact that I've continued with his case management, and until he went off his meds in March and Kitty came home we would have allowed him to return home and kept his room available (although we've started renovations on it since it was so disgusting, it still has a bed - which he's used once or twice).  We've been driving him places and he comes to dinner with the family every now and then.

Son has got it in his head that he deserves this money (nothing we can say will convince him it doesn't work that way). Hubby is afraid he'll manage to convince someone to let him sue us.

The subsidy ends in July anyway (when he turns 19), and we're already trying to figure out how to deal with that and the paycut my husband had to take to get a job with benefits that will help us with Kitty (who's been out of RTC for less than 2 weeks) and some medical treatments the rest of us need.

It's too much.


Anonymous said...

Transfer the funds to Bear. It's techinical "his" money, it's only 2 more months worth and makes the problem GO AWAY.

r. said...

The problem is it's (probably) not Bear's money. It's (probably) the State of Nebraska's money. If anyone can sue them, it will be the State of Nebraska. If they just give the money to Bear, they'll be at risk for being out double if Nebraska makes them pay it back.

(I say "probably" because I haven't looked up the exact rules for this type of thing. Generally, though, money of this sort comes with conditions and the parents sign something saying they'll notify the state if things change. Since I haven't seen the terms, I can't be 100% sure that the money wouldn't go to Bear. But it sounds more likely that the dad's take on things is right. That said, Anonymous does have a point about being diplomatic in order to make the problem go away.)

marythemom said...

Of course Bear has "10K in the bank" so he doesn't need this money. (No, I don't really believe he has this money). Another concern is what would he do with it? His drinking and mental health issues are becoming very concerning. I'd hate to accelerate the downward spiral he's on. I'm hoping he can make it to graduation, before he completely falls apart (of course I wish he wouldn't fail at all, but there's not much I can do about that).

The biggest thing is that money is really tight. This money is why I've been able to be a SAHM, which hasn't been optional with these two. Even 3 months of subsidy could make or break us. Plus, we're going to have to spend thousands to repair all the damage he's done to the house (new carpets to replace the spit upon and stained carpet, walls all had to be patched, scrubbed and repainted, the furniture is mostly trashed, new tile in the shower from water damage due to him repeatedly ripping off the soap dish and apparently pulling on the faucet - cracking the tile behind it...

Subsidies are for the support and maintenance of the child and his home for as long as we are supporting him. They are an incentive by the government so that the cost of raising the child doesn't negatively impact the family.

R is correct that this is kind of like child support. If Bear went to college, for example, we would still receive the money. If he had been emancipated, the money would stop - not transfer to him. It's an agreement between us and the state.

We are probably in a grey area about continuing to receive the money now that we're pretty sure Bear won't be returning home, but we are still supporting him in many ways and it's an all or nothing thing.


Lisa said...

You know, I have found myself getting caught up in my kids threats and distorted thinking to the point where I was just plain miserable and stressed and anxious all.the.time. Nothing has really ever come of it. They just start obsessing about something and suck me into their crazy thinking. It does no good. I would simply ignore every comment made about adoption subsidies from Bear from this point forward. He (and Kitty) are always going to find someone to side with them and support their distorted thinking because I think that in general, people think they're helping. You can either keep defending yourself against their crazy thinking and threats, or you can take the attitude that unless there is something substantiated that they can prove, it's just one persons word against another. Sorry to seem cold, but sometimes caring about them is just so damaging to us. People will eventually figure them out, but it won't be because you tell them otherwise. It will be because they have proven themselves to be unreliable and unbelievable.

I do understand how hurtful those words can be though. You have done so....much for both of them. They seem to reject all of our efforts to parent them, yet expect us to just hand over the cash and car keys and freedoms that they can't handle but demand. This is no fun.