Retired? Homebound? Bored? Things for Adults to Do to Stay Active

Looking for something to do now that you're retired, homebound, or just plain bored? 

Here's some ideas.

110 Activities for Elderly & Seniors [Ultimate List]

GAMES

Board games don’t have to be boring. From games played with others - Bingo, Scrabble, card games (Cards Against Humanity, strip poker?), Jenga, Apples to Apples, billiards/ pool, bowling... to games that can be done alone - like solitaire, Mahjong, crosswords, Sudoku, online computer games, and jigsaw puzzles... 

Some games can actually improve your memory (for example, seeing several pairs of cards for ten seconds and matching them up again). Improving your memory can also improve your concentration as it helps your mind to become more alert.

Brain Games https://www.mindgames.com/Brain+Games

Games are also a great way to keep from resorting to hours of mindless TV-watching
 

EXERCISE

You can exercise by yourself or in a group. Playing systems like the Wii, work out videos, bicycling, or just going for a walk on a regular basis (you can walk at a local mall if it's too hot outside or the weather is bad), all can be a wonderful way to stay physically active without having to join a gym. 

If you have access to a gym or club, you might have even more options - water aerobics, tennis, volleyball, weight lifting, golf, Zumba classes... Join a sport rec league. 

Think you could never run a marathon? This year 88 people over the age of 75 ran the New York City Marathon - Here's how they did. http://www.cbsnews.com/pictures/nyc-marathons-oldest-runners-howd-they-do/

Not only does physical activity help you feel better physically and emotionally, it can also help keep your brain active too!

CRAFTS/ HOBBIES
Do something creative or learn something new. Crafts and hobbies can all be done at home, in a class, or with a group of like-minded individuals. They can be for your own enjoyment, to sell (check out Etsy.com), or donate to charity. You can take classes or even teach others how to do a craft or hobby that you enjoy.

• Crafts - knitting, crocheting, cross stitch, embroidery, scrap booking, making cards, pottery, tapestry, sewing, dress making, collages.  (Ex. Some ideas for Crocheting and Knitting for Charity (https://www.craftsy.com/blog/2014/03/crocheting-and-knitting-for-charity/  ) Project Linus - gives homemade blankets to children in need (https://www.projectlinus.org/)
  
• Artistic - Drawing, painting, calligraphy, coloring in adult coloring books, working with modeling clay, woodworking/ carving, jewelry making, glass staining.
• Creative writing – This can involve writing in a journal, creating poetry, or writing a book/ stories. If you want to have a wider platform for your writing, you can publish it online in a blog. Some authors have been “discovered” through their blogs. Or you can self-publish a book, which is becoming more and more popular these days - Self-Publishing a Book, 25 Things You Need to Know
• Cooking and Food Appreciation - Try new recipes. You can learn or teach others how to cook and enjoy different types of food: Basic beginning, gourmet, gluten free, vegan, multi-cultural, dessert/ pastries... Become a wine connoisseur or just learn the art of wine tasting. Make your own cook book with pictures and everything.
• Research your family / Make a family tree. Check out Ancestry.com https://www.ancestry.com/
  
• Gardening - Gardening can be enjoyable and a great way to stay physically and mentally active, whether your garden is a cactus on your desk, a few potted plants on your balcony, a small garden in your backyard (herbs, flowers, and/or vegetables), or a large garden with excess produce to sell. To learn more about how to start a garden, you can research online. (Ex. Basics of Gardening) 
• Other Hobbies - This can be whatever you're interested in or interested in learning about - weather watching, ham radios, bird watching, small appliance repair, photography, furniture refinishing, interior decorating, 

WORK/ VOLUNTEER

Whether it’s making follow-up calls or providing advice to businesses or tutoring students, many jobs can be done from home these days. Learn more in this article from AARP: Work from Home Jobs for Retirees. 

It's usually pretty easy to find volunteer work, you can check out some local non-profits in your area and contact them to see if they need any help. Guidestar - Directory of Charities and Non-Profits

Look for work in an area you enjoy: 

• Children - babysit, respite, foster care, Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) for foster children (volunteer position that does not require any particular experience), run a home daycare, sitting with newborns in ICU, read story books at the library or book store, tutoring...
• Animals - Dog walking, pet sitting, volunteer in an animal shelter. Check out places that offer services involving animals, like equine therapy, to see if they have volunteer positions. Train animals as service dogs or therapy pets.
• Elderly/ Disabled - Caregiver or just spend some time with a senior citizen. You can volunteer at places like hospice providers, nursing homes, drive elderly and disabled people to church services...
• Office work - reach out to local non-profits and see if they need any help with filing, answering phones, writing thank you notes... 
• Tech/ Design/ Media - If you have skills in these areas, many non-profits and other agencies are always looking for talented designers. Ex. PeaceGeeks - build the technological, communications and management capacities of grassroots organizations who work to promote peace, accountability and human rights.  
• Food - work at a food pantry, cook for a soup kitchen, 

PETS

Get a pet! Pets can help reduce stress, lower blood pressure, increase social interaction and physical activity, help you learn, and can reduce depression and lessen loneliness. 

Learning about animal care and training can be fun and rewarding. Going to dog parks and meeting others, can keep both you and your pet entertained and active.

LEARN!

Keeping the mind active can improve your memory, improve your health, ward off dementia... To help your mind stay young and flexible, continuing education or informal classes (learning something new just for fun), can help the mind stay active. 

You can check out your local community college - there are online courses for just about everything and a lot of them are free. it might take a little research to find some good ones, but good news! There's often someone that has already reviewed the type of courses you're looking for and posts the best options. 

• Informal Classes - Look around you for places to learn. Community colleges, universities, online, YMCA, retail stores, activity centers... all offer informal classes, where you can learn something just for fun, rather than for a degree or a certificate.
  
  For example, I wanted to learn Spanish. I searched for "learn spanish online free videos." I found a few articles that reviewed and gave me the best options - This article ("11 Awesome Channels to Learn Spanish on YouTube " http://www.fluentu.com/blog/spanish/learn-spanish-on-youtube/) Led me to this series of videos that were a fun way to learn Spanish - https://www.youtube.com/user/tontitofrito 
• Academic - Remedial classes, GED, SAT/ ACT, learning a new language, you can even get a degree!
  
  Open University - offers free courses. Their course catalog: http://www.open.edu/openlearn/free-courses/full-catalogue
  Study.com offers many free courses in a wide variety of subjects:
  Ex. Remedial math course - http://study.com/academy/course/ged-math-algebra-geometry-number-sense.html

CHANGE THINGS UP!

Change can be fun. Redecorate, decorate for the seasons, change out pictures. rearrange the furniture, DIY some fun projects, sell some clutter on sites like Craigslist (https://geo.craigslist.org/iso/us), LetGo.com (https://us.letgo.com/en), or ebay (https://www.ebay.com/). 

READING

Any place, anywhere, any time. Books are awesome! Start or attend a book club, book stores, libraries, book carts, start a little free library (https://littlefreelibrary.org/), the possibilities are as endless as the worlds that books can take you to.

ENTERTAINMENT

For low cost concerts and plays, check out a local high school for live entertainment. Check out senior day care facilities for special activities or just visit once in a while. 

MUSIC

 

This could be listening to music, learning a new instrument, and/ or joining a choir. Go dancing! Take a Dance Class! Attend a concert.

concerts and plays at your local high school for low-cost/low-stress live entertainment

LAUGH!

Laughing doesn't just make you feel better, it can make you physically better. Laughter has been clinically proven to strengthen your immune system, activate and relieve your stress response and stimulate many organs.

Watch old TV shows on DVD like "I Love Lucy" or the "Marx Brothers" for a laugh.

Play! - 40 ideas to experience childlike playfulness as adults 

http://www.laughteronlineuniversity.com/40-ideas-to-experience-childlike-playfulness-as-adults/  

The Importance Of Laughter In Long Term Care Facilities

https://www.goldencarers.com/the-importance-of-laughter-in-long-term-care-facilities/4759/

PAMPER YOURSELF

Have a spa day, even if just in your room. Invite some friends over and do each other's nails. Manis, pedis, facials, experiment with makeup and hair styles, skin treatments, impromptu fashion shows. Check out an online makeup or hair tutorial online, and try something new. Host or attend a makeup, jewelry, or fashion party - you don't actually have to buy anything. 

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE

Attend worship, travel, outings, and shopping trips (this can be window shopping!). Go for a walk or a drive. Visit a museum, place of interest, go antiquing. Travel to faraway lands (even if just in your imagination). Explore new cultures and learn new a new language. You'd be amazed at how much you can learn from the internet nowadays. 

FRIENDS and STRANGERS YOU DON'T KNOW YET

Clubs are a great way to meet and keep in contact with others. Check out computer clubs, sewing clubs, golf clubs (Sorry! just had to throw that in there). Lunch groups and social groups, singles groups. Hang out an activity center, YMCA, senior center... Join a support group online or in real life.  Plan a dinner party, trivia night, movie or other event party.

Parenting Biokids and Adopted Kids Together

Bringing adopted children into a family with biokids is hard. I know I often fail at trying to balance the needs of everyone in the family, trying to take care of myself and my marriage, protecting younger children from the older kids, making sure the "squeaky wheel" doesn't get all my time and attention, standing up to the pressure of others to prioritized the adopted child's needs over everyone else's {Prioritizing Yourself, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order!}... 


See also this post, Biokids with Adopted Siblings

Adopting Out of Birth Order
My adopted children were older than my biokids, and that caused some extra issues because the bio kids were able to handle tons of things the adopted kids couldn't.  Here's a good post I did for a lady adopting a RAD child older than her bios (different age, but kids of trauma are often younger developmentally, emotionally, and/ or socially).

Adopting Children Developmentally, Emotionally, and/ or Socially Younger
This also applies to parents with kids who are not technically out of birth order but are close in age or younger (for example giving birth to biokids or adopting a child(ren) younger than the older adopted child(ren) but with fewer issues). The problems come when this younger child(ren) passes up the adopted child(ren) developmentally, emotionally, and/ or socially.

{My adopted children were both delayed (emotionally, socially, academically...) and both were older than my oldest biochild (Bob, biodaughter). 

Bear (adopted, 3 1/2 years older than Bob) was very aggressive and intimidating to everyone, and Kitty (adopted, 1 year older than Bob) was especially aggressive toward Bob, due to jealousy and her black and white beliefs that if Bob had friends then in order for Kitty to get friends, she needed to make those friends stop liking Bob. If Bob was pretty, then Kitty was ugly. If Bob was smart, then Kitty was stupid, If Bob was loved...  Kitty is delayed emotionally and socially - so tended to be more like a toddler who uses her hands not her words....}  

All Children are Not Created Equally - Nor Should They Be Treated That Way
Parenting often appears to not be fair, like you're choosing favorites, and/ or that you're criticizing or punishing the delayed child. I get a lot of pressure to try to make things "fair." It took me a long time to realize that treating my children equally (for example, giving Kitty a cell phone because Bob was ready for one) was basically punishing them both. Many times my biokids didn't get to do something because their adopted siblings couldn't handle it). 

For a long time, we tried to treat the children equally, especially the girls who were close in age and in the same grade at school, but we finally figured out that was not going to work. Life got smoother when we started using age-appropriate, therapeutic parenting for the adopted children. {Chap. 1 Parenting based on Developmental/Emotional Age}

Here're some of the things we did (or I wish we had done sooner!):

* Explain Why They're Treated Differently - 
Explaining Differences to Adopted Children
We repeatedly told the adopted children that they were being treated differently because of their trauma and "issues," not because we loved them less or loved biokids more. 
They absolutely did not understand this or believe it, but it needed to be said - if only so we could refer back to the conversations.

• Trust Jars/ Love Jars post  
• Choosing Joy - Explaining Age Appropriate Therapeutic Parenting to Your Child

The younger biochildren did not have the same childhood and there were going to be areas where they got to do things the adopted kids didn't, even though they were older.   None of this solved anything by the way, but it gave us a reference point that we could keep pointing back to,

"I know it doesn't feel fair that your sister gets to spend the night at your friend's house and you don't, but you're not at a place to do that right now, because it's hard for you. Your sister didn't have the trauma that you did so she can handle it. 

You'll get there!  Just not today.

You do get to go to the party and stay for the cake and everything. I'll be there too if you need me, but I'll be in the kitchen with the adults. After the party, we'll go home and do _________ (something fun)."

Although she protested the "unfair" treatment, Kitty went to the party and had a good time. Both girls wandered into the kitchen several times. When it was time for Kitty and me to leave, she gave only token protests and I found out on the way home that the girls at the party had started talking about ghosts in the house and had really freaked Kitty out. 

Explaining Differences to Bio Children
Both my bio children had difficulty understanding why their new siblings were allowed to do things (or not do things) that were expected of the biokids. I tried to explain in an age-appropriate, positive way. I used several different methods. 

• Trust Jars/ Love Jars post
• Ponito (age 7 when our 11yo and 13yo adopted children moved in), was already used to being treated differently from all of his siblings just because he was so much younger. For him, I mostly explained (multiple times) that his siblings were never allowed to be mean to him, hurt him, or touch him inappropriately (we talked about private parts - areas covered by underwear), and that if they ever did then he was to come tell me or Hubby immediately.
  
  We did have a couple of episodes where my normally sweet, compliant son tried out some of the behaviors he'd seen his older siblings "get away with" (ex. throwing a huge fit in a store, shoplifting, and cussing). I immediately put him in the FAIR Club and let him know that he would not be "getting away with" this kind of stuff. Unlike his siblings, he learned quickly from his mistakes.
• My biodaughter, Bob, was older and better able to understand the concepts of treating the kids differently from each other based on their skills and abilities. For her, I explained that because the adopted children's had a lot of trauma in their lives (hopefully triggering her empathy), there were things that they weren't able to experience and learn from and therefore, there were areas of their life where they were less mature and capable.
  
  I asked her to compare her sister to an older cousin who is developmentally delayed. This teenage cousin acts more like Bob's younger, neurotypical 5-year-old cousin. This seemed to help Bob understand why Kitty didn't always act her age.
  
  I also had Bob read the Forever Child Series to help her understand more about the trauma her adopted siblings had experienced. {Therapeutic Parenting - Additional Reading}

Forever Child Series(http://foreverchild.net/)

The Forever Child: A Tale of Lies and LoveThe Forever Child: A Tale of Anger and FearThe Forever Child: A Tale of Loss and Impossible DreamsFamily Secrets:  A Tale of Silence and Shame
The Forever Child is a series of fairy tales that are designed for use by parents and therapists as a tool to assist children in dealing with early abuse and neglect. Unlike other fairy tales, this series of books illustrates a number of the behaviors that are often seen in children with a history of early trauma, the parent guides provide an analysis of the root causes of these behaviors as well as step-by-step assistance for the parent.

*Stop Treating Them Equally -  
They are not equal! They have different life experiences, different interests, different abilities, different needs...  My mom always emphasized those differences with my sister and I.  We both got a Christmas present, but it wasn't matching dresses (which is one thing my dad liked to do!). We were reminded that neither of us would want what the other wanted! Our gifts were chosen with our unique likes and dislikes in mind.

^This is actually how the FAIR Club got started.^  

* FAIR Club - 
We used the FAIR Club as a means of discipline for all of our children because it was more adaptable to use with kids of such differing ages and abilities. Consequences were based on logical consequences.

My kids were constantly whining, "That's not FAAAIIIRRR!!!" I needed a way to discipline and structure each child's life that was appropriate for him or her.  Structure for the adopted kids, but not really punishing them for things that were out of their control (fight/ flight/ freeze reactions for example) - while avoiding letting the biokids feel that the adopted kids were "getting away with" behaviors that we didn't want the biokids to start thinking was OK for them to do!
{Using the FAIR Club with Kids of Trauma}

* Emotional Age - 
Remember that developmentally (emotionally and socially) most kids of trauma are a LOT younger and even younger than that when dysregulated, in a meltdown, and/or in fight/ flight/ freeze. {Therapeutic Parenting Based on Emotional/ Developmental Age} If we expect them to "act their age," we're all going to be disappointed.

*ABSOLUTELY no Touching of the Other Kids! 
 None. Ever. My violent child especially, literally had to be out of arm reach of the other kids at all times.  If I had to be in another room then that child came with me or was in his/her room alone. They weren't allowed to sit next to each other on the couch or in the car.  They were NEVER allowed to be alone in the same room.

*ABSOLUTELY No "Parenting" -  
The adopted kids felt they had a right to boss the other kids around, especially the biokids who were younger than they were. The biokids were able to handle it emotionally but didn't deserve to be treated that way.  Kitty expected it from Bear who'd done this for her whole life. She was so terrified of Bear that she usually tried to anticipate his wishes.

EVERY time we heard "parenting," we reminded all of the children involved that WE are the parents and that was "not their job." It took a long time to extinguish this behavior, but it helped that the worst offender, Bear, was never left alone with the other children.

We made a point to NEVER put the kids in a position where they got to tell the other kids what to do.  Not even relaying a message, like, "Mom said to come downstairs and do the dishes." At most, they were allowed to say, "Mom is calling you."

* Individual Parent Time -  
Just me (or Hubby)  and the child doing something together.  Could be making a meal, going shopping, a "date," sitting next to their bed at bedtime and chatting, telling a story, or singing... 

I tried to make it fun, even when they were being obnoxious, awful, or were in trouble.  It was an attachment activity and necessary. I did this with all the kids- adopted and bio. 

I usually tried to squeeze in a combo of activities -  If at the school for an IEP meeting, have lunch with a biokid. Stopping for ice cream on the way back from therapy. Divide and conquer at school parent nights (since the girls were in the same grade, Hubby would meet one set of teachers and I would meet the other).

* Family and Individual Activities - 
Don't skip that family vacation because one child can't handle it. Find an alternative for the child having issues (preferably something fun for them), and GO! Make time for each child's school events and activities. Go to your biokids' art show, soccer game, whatever. Sign them up for dance classes that their adopted sibling isn't a part of (this is when it really comes in handy to have a spouse so you can divide and conquer!). {This doesn't mean overbooking! You, your husband, and the family as a whole need to be a priority too}

Try to find ways that all the kids can participate without overshadowing the other's fun. While watching your son play T-ball, let the other kids play on a nearby playscape or spread a blanket behind the bleachers and play with toys they don't always get to play with. Have a Letter Party and each child gets to do something different to help (pick the letter, shopping, helping cook, pick the movie, set up the picnic area...).

* Separate Rooms - 
Originally the girls shared a room.  BIG mistake! We converted the playroom to a bedroom to separate them. I know how hard it is to find this extra space - when I was a kid, my dad "solved" this by turning the breakfast nook into my bedroom with some slatted closet doors bolted across the opening to make a wall.

The kids needed to have a safe place to go to be alone and get away from the other kids for a while (and also not have to worry about their stuff being broken or stolen).

* Individual Time - 
Give biokids a break from their siblings and family life sometimes. There were summers where Bob went to stay with her grandparents. She remembers those as some of the best summers ever.

* Provide Structure and Reduce Overwhelm -
Our adopted kids needed LOTS of Structure and Caring Support.  Their insides are so chaotic that we had to make the rest of life as calm and as simple as possible. That meant stripping their rooms of all but a bed and one toy.  It meant their chores (which the biokids could have handled with ease), had to be simplified and fewer.  Multi-step directions were overwhelming and impossible.  Overwhelm usually triggered Dysregulation and Meltdowns.

* Make it OK for Biokids to Complain and Vent - 
Living with mentally ill siblings is HARD. It is hard for parents too, of course, but while they can be hard to find, there are support groups out there for parents. There are rarely support groups and people teaching Self-Care for the siblings. 

As long as it wasn't in front of their siblings, and they didn't vent to friends who knew their siblings, then I made sure that my kids knew it was even OK to resent/hate their sibling. 

Later, I realized I probably let this go too far and let the biokids feel that it was OK to be totally negative about their siblings without encouraging them to look for the good stuff too.

* Avoid Over-Sharing - 

I'll admit that as Bob got older, it was easy to confide in her and sometimes vent or bounce off ideas about handling her siblings. She knew the people involved and the situations, much better than any of my other friends and the family members outside of our immediate family. She often had great insights, and I knew she wouldn't judge me for being upset/ angry with the adopted child or the situation. 

I know that I laid too much on her shoulders because she seemed like she could handle it. I often forgot that she's still a kid and going to have to have and/ or establish some kind of relationship with this sibling for the rest of their lives.

* Important Things To Remember!Prioritizing Yourself, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order**
SELF-CARE!! Self-Care!! Self-Care!!! This is a tough life and if your "bucket" is empty, then you're no good to anyone.

Biokids with Adopted Siblings

See Also - Parenting Biokids and Adopted Kids Together

I rarely blog about my adopted children on here any more. Mostly because Kitty (22) and Bear (24) are now out of the house, although Kitty will probably be moving back home in the next 6 months or so.

So I'm going to talk about Bob and Ponito. If you just started reading my blog, then here's a brief summary. Bob (21) and Ponito (18) -- obviously not their real names-- were 7 (bioson, Ponito) and 10 (biodaughter, Bob - if you want to know how she got the name, Bob, click here) when Bear (13) and Kitty (11) joined our family. Kitty and Bob were in the same grade at school and there were a LOT of clashes between the 2 girls.

Bear was a very squeaky wheel, and it wasn't until he went into residential treatment at 14 that we realized how loudly Kitty was squeaking too. Between the two of them, I'm afraid all other squeaks were pretty much tuned out.

Bob was the next squeakiest. I'm pretty sure she still struggles with not getting all her needs met after the adoption, and I'm also pretty sure it's why she's such a strong, independent, young woman.

Ponito didn't squeak at all.

Bob - Biodaughter (21)

Bob's (age 12) tear-jerker school report on living with her adopted siblings 

Bob is starting her 4th year of college and just turned 21 - no longer a teenager. She's an amazing young woman now. All those years of her making me crazy and pushing my buttons, living with  severely mentally ill siblings, being incredibly smart and incredibly stubborn... have turned her into a strong, capable, responsible young woman.

Bob's finally stopped pushing me away, and we have a pretty good relationship. I probably talk to her a little too much about what's going on with her siblings and asking for her advice, especially with Ponito.

She tends to be pretty honest with me about her opinions, whether they hurt my feelings or not. I know that's a good thing, but of course it still hurts to hear her say that she understands how Ponito is feeling and that she too wanted to leave home the minute she graduated high school.

Independence and Separation from Family - Teenage Developmental Stage

I know this is a normal developmental stage. Teens are supposed to be working on becoming independent from their parents, and pushing their parents away at this time is developmentally appropriate. I did it too. It wasn't until my mid to late twenties, that I started going back to my mom for advice and support. I remind myself of this every day. It still hurts. 

Ponito - Bioson (18)

Ponito was always a sensitive, laid-back, little kid. In a family of strong female personalities, he took after his dad. His Love Language was obviously Physical Touch, and he was always climbing in our laps, or plopping himself down between Hubby and I.

He was small for his age, so I was even able to carry him around - which he loved - long after the age I had to stop carrying Bob (she was 5'1" by the time she was 10, and 6 foot tall by age 14).

Ponito was very active, incredibly coordinated, and social. When we weren't calling him Monkey, we called him the Energizer Bunny. In 7th grade, he was in band, football, soccer, drama class, and had an adorable, little girlfriend (I say little, because she was petite). At 5'5" and thin as a rail like the rest of the boys in my family, we encouraged him toward soccer rather than football, He loved soccer and it came easily to him, but he never had a real drive to win.

Then things started changing. In 7th grade, he started failing classes. He seemed to just stop caring. He started getting stomach aches (after years of specialists, we finally figured out it was most likely anxiety - Prozac helped a lot, but quickly thereafter, he refuse to take it). When it came to makeup work, he wouldn't ask for assignments and wouldn't do them when he got them (he said he didn't understand them, but he wouldn't ask for help).

When he started high school, Ponito dropped out of band and football (which made sense as he was going to need more time for academics with his advanced math classes). Within a year, he had dropped out of soccer and all extracurricular activities too. Starting in 8th grade, he did little besides play on his gaming system (unfortunately, Hubby and I couldn't come to an agreement on how to handle this, so he was pretty much able to play anytime he wanted - which was all the time).

He barely ate, and kept losing weight. By 14, he was only 5'6" and weighed less than 120lbs. At that point, I found some protein bars he was willing to snack on. Within 6 months, he'd shot up to 5'10". Then 6ft (made Bob crazy when he passed up her 5'11 1/2"). By the end of high school, he was 6'3", but still barely ate (he'd stopped eating protein bars after a year).

At the end of junior year, I finally talked Hubby into getting him a psych eval. We'd tried several therapists and even a few anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, and ADHD meds. Some of them worked, but he quickly refused to take them.

We'd always known he was smart, but the academic part of the psych eval was even better than expected. In math, he tested post-graduate level (from college!), in English, college level. He was also diagnosed ADD with almost no "general fund of acquired knowledge."

His other diagnosis was Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood. According to Ponito's therapist, this is kind of a junk drawer diagnosis for "we have no idea what it is, but something is obviously wrong." The therapist recommended DBT therapy, but that Ponito had to "buy into it," which wasn't going to happen. So we agreed to stop therapy.

Now a high school graduate, Ponito plans to go to college out of state. He found one that was willing to accept him, despite his abysmal GPA. He spent the whole summer on his PS4 all night, and sleeping all day. I pretty much despair that he'll do well in college and end up dropping out, but who knows? He may surprise me.

My hope is that this is that independence phase, and that when Ponito is in his 20s, he'll come back to the family and get his act together. I do still think there's something fundamentally wrong (mental health wise), but I've never been able to figure out what or how to help him.

I will always feel a little guilty that we didn't catch the ADD sooner, but like Kitty's issues were hidden because they were overshadowed by Bear's, Ponito, my least squeaky wheel, was overshadowed by them all.



Adopted Siblings Falling Behind Biokids

Our adopted kids' issues meant they were emotionally and developmentally delayed in a lot of ways (like most kids with trauma issues). The younger biokids quickly "passed them up" and were able to do and handle things that their siblings couldn't. Because the girls were basically twinned (in the same grade), the differences were usually VERY obvious which caused a lot of extra issues.

For example, both my biokids are now able to drive. My adopted daughter is not. In her mind, the fact that I won't let her drive is because I "love them more." Of course, the facts are that she is easily distracted, has difficulty with processing her environment, can't multitask, frequently has issues with esophoria (eyes crossing when she's tired or stressed),..



Adopted Siblings Resenting Biokids

The adopted kids resented that Ponito was getting to have the happy childhood they didn't, and we had to protect him from their sabotaging that. I'm 95% positive our adopted kids were doing it subconsciously, but they actively made his life miserable whenever they could. Since he was younger and smaller, he needed more protection than our biodaughter. He was a very laid-back little guy, and as the least squeaky wheel, I now realize he got a lot less attention than he needed/ deserved.



Helping Siblings Cope with the Child of Trauma Not Having Consequences

It was difficult for the other kids to understand why Kitty and Bear rarely had consequences for their "bad" behavior (they cussed, lied, stole things, hit and bit, broke things...). When they complained it wasn't "fair" (which was rare once we started the FAIR Club), we mentioned that they didn't always see the consequences, but that didn't mean they didn't get them (True! Having to live life like this is a consequence all it's own - The adopted kids had a lot more Structure).

To help the biokids understand their adopted siblings' differences, we tried to give them examples and explanations (at their age level).

• "You know your {developmentally delayed} cousin and how she's older than you, but she has trouble with reading, writing and understanding things? Well, your sister is kind of the same, but she also has trouble with dealing with her feelings."
• "Think of how we treat {my 7yo niece}. We don't expect her to be able to do all the things you can do, right? Your sister needs to be treated that way because the stuff that happened to her when she was a kid kept her from growing up in some ways."

No Triggering Allowed

We also had to explain that if any of our children teased or triggered their sibling, especially if they triggered him/her on purpose, then THEY would be the one getting in trouble.



Biokids Mimicking Behaviors

The biokids did try mimicking siblings behavior, and we had to squelch it pretty hard. They wanted to see if they could get away with it too. They usually only tried it once or twice before they "got" that our expectations of them were different. We held them to a higher standard that was age-appropriate for them.


Would We Do This Again?

I don't know.

There were some advantages -

•  I don't think Bob would have become as much of  the mature, responsible woman she is today without the challenge of being the opposite of her sister. 
• My relationship with Bob would have been a lot more antagonistic without the invention of the FAIR Club. She and I were so much alike (she was as stubborn and "spirited" as I was as a kid), that we butted heads all the time. The FAIR Club was the first and only discipline method that worked for us, and I wouldn't have invented it if we hadn't desperately needed the structure it provided. 
• I think I'm a calmer, better parent for all of my children. I was "forced" to focus on Self-Care so I think I am a calmer, better person in general. 
• It helped me set better priorities that benefited my family as a whole - Prioritizing Your Self, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order**

There were also some disadvantages -

• It took me quite awhile to Find the Joy, and in the meantime, the whole family suffered from not having a stronger mom/ wife/ person. I was often depressed and easily triggered because my "bucket" was empty. It also took me a long time to learn to shift my priorities so that my self, my marriage, and then the family as a whole all had a higher priority than an individual child. Prioritizing Your Self, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order**
• Biokids and adopted kids both felt like I loved the other one more. Biokids because they suffered from my focus on the needs of the adopted kids. Adopted kids, because they were jealous and felt that I favored the biokids, especially when the biokids got to do things the adopted kids weren't socially/ emotionally/ developmentally ready for. Age-Appropriate Therapeutic Parenting
• Bob lost her position as oldest child, but still get a lot of the higher expectations expected of a first-born. Now that she's older, I probably rely on too much and overshare with Bob.
• Especially when the girls were in puberty (and therefore insane and hated me). I probably relied a little too much on getting my "bucket" partially filled by Ponito, since we shared the same Love Language - Physical Touch. I loved cuddling with him (although since it is his love language, it helped fill him up too).
• Ponito, my youngest, was often targeted (sometimes physically) by the adopted kids, because he was having the happy childhood they didn't get. 
• Some of Ponito's issues went unnoticed or didn't get the attention they needed (ADD, anxiety disorder, failing grades, avoidance of emotional situations...).

Do the Kids Wish We Hadn't Adopted?

Yes.

Choosing Joy - Explaining Age-Appropriate Parenting

Today after Kitty had been in her room pouting for awhile I went upstairs to talk to her.  I woke her up from an escapist nap.

[Note: Throughout this entire conversation, I praised her accomplishments and how far she has come and tried to emphasize the advantages of this shift to age-appropriate parenting. [Therapeutic Parenting Based on Developmental/Emotional Age]

Evil Parent or Therapeutic Parent?
I told Kitty that I'm either an evil parent who is torturing and treating a normal 17yo like crap or I'm a therapeutic parent who is treating her child the way she needs to be treated because of her mental illness and trauma history (and BTW, I think I'm a good parent).

Then I apologized for not being fair to her. I've succumbed to the pressure from others (social workers, teachers, others who just don't "get it," and of course, herself), to offer her levels and privileges I know she is not capable of achieving right now, and acting like they are realistic options; therefore, she assumes the reason she's not getting them is because either she's a failure or I'm an evil parent.

Enjoying the Small Achievements
I reminded her that a reason we've been more restrictive is that we're trying to get her stable before we start adding potential stressors, especially since the baby steps we've taken lately haven't been so successful.

I talked about how frustrating it is for me that when we offer her a baby step, she immediately demands something bigger and is so angry when I won't give it to her that she can't acknowledge or enjoy the smaller step.

Example:

We're going to Nebraska to visit Hubby's side of the family (13+hours in a car each way! *eek!*). Since Kitty's biofamily also lives in NE (although hours away), we were going to stop at a hotel with a pool, and take a day to hang out with Kitty's biograndparents (we'd hoped for Kitty's biosisters too, but couldn't get it to work).  before we go on to my MIL's house.  

Rather than be happy that she gets to see biofamily, she's chosen to focus on what she wants that she's not getting.  (She wants to be able to go to her Grandmother's house and stay all week, and maybe stay through her last 2 years of high school and for junior college...). 

Choosing Joy
I tried to gently explain that by choosing to stay stuck and angry, she is forcing me to be even more restrictive (Structure and Caring Support) to help her get and stay regulated. She's losing out on what she wants. Also, if she decides to just "give up" (a frequent threat), then she's definitely not going to get what she wants.

Kitty was getting obviously depressed and defensive.  She was feeling that I was taking away everything she wanted and she had no reason to keep trying.

So I talked about a friend of the family who is going blind. She was a great artist, and when she found out she was going blind, she had every "right" to be depressed and angry and to give up. Instead, she chose to become a sculptor and continued producing beautiful art that made her happy.

{Finding the Joy! - a post for parents about choosing joy for ourselves.}

When talking to Kitty about "Choosing Joy."  She was listening.  She saw that it was in her best interest, but she just can't maintain it. (And that's okay.)

Future Changes
Most of the friends we make and the goals for the future that we make when we're young, change a lot as we get older.  We don't even know what all our options are when we're younger (How many kids want to grow up to be a digital media user experience engineer with a specialty in animation? Which is my admittedly confused understanding of what Bob wants to be when she graduates)

My point was, we don't know how things will change.  Some things we learn by trying them or just from experience.  We could work hard to achieve our goals and still fail. If we give up because we don't get what we want, we may never find the awesome thing around the next corner.

Example:

A couple of years ago, Kitty's goal was to be a brain surgeon.  That wasn't a viable option for her (memory, processing issues, IQ...) and she needed to choose another option. {Dreamkiller post - a post about telling kids that their current dream is not going to work} I reminded her of this change in goals and pointed out that things worked out okay back then even though she was angry with me at the time. 

My main point:
I'm sorry that she has to make some difficult choices because of her issues, but if she continues to blame me and be depressed and angry she's making herself miserable. 

+++++++

SHE'S ONLY 6!

Parenting Based on Developmental Age 
I apologized to Kitty for not being fair. Because of her trauma and "issues," she missed out on a lot of the normal kid stuff that Bob and Ponito got to do, and had to focus on and work hard at handling her life. This left little time to learn some of the lessons that kids who didn't have to handle all that stuff learned when they were younger. Emotionally and socially she was a little behind.

By expecting her to be able to do all the things that kids who didn't have to deal with all the stuff she has, (with a quick praise about how great she's done at dealing with it!), I was making it impossible for her to succeed, and I was also getting frustrated and angry with her when she didn't do things other teens could handle - like chores. I would end up not letting her do any of the "fun stuff" because she hadn't "earned it" and that wasn't fair to her.

"Level Chart" vs Age-Appropriate Parenting After receiving a ton of pressure from staff at the hospital and school to give Kitty all the privileges that normally go with being 16, I decided to create a new chore chart with the responsibilities and privileges done in levels. Mostly to get them to understand WHY Kitty was not being allowed to have unsupervised dates or have a cell phone or whatever it was that they felt she was entitled to based on her age alone. Kitty was so dysregulated that she was not able to handle even the most basic responsibilities. [Chores, Responsibilities, and Other Things My Kids Can't Handle!]

Emotional and Social Developmental Delays
When Kitty first came to us at age 11, she was "stuck" at age 4. Not intellectually!  She's smart, but emotionally she was much younger. She needed time and to feel safe to grow up / mature in certain areas, which she did! She's grown a lot in so many ways! She's no longer stuck at age 4 - she can access her physical feelings and a lot of her emotional feelings as well.

When we ask her to do something, she can do it as long as I break it down into smaller pieces ("Empty your trash can. Now, put your dirty clothes in your laundry. Now,..." vs "clean your room"). At first, she could handle only one task at a time. Now, she could handle a short list with only a few reminders. Before, she was so close to the edge, that if we had said, "Who left the butter out?," she had a HUGE meltdown. Now she can admit it was her, and clean it up!!

Learning Disabilities
I told her this was like her learning disabilities. Yes, she has trouble with certain parts of reading (like spelling), but she's reading on grade level. She is NOT stupid! She just needs some extra help with certain things and someday she will probably get to a point where she doesn't even need that help.

While in a lot of ways she was a normal teenage girl, there were some things she still needed help with. She knows that she struggles with a lot of the "responsibilities" of being a teenager. I can't hand her a list and expect her to do everything on it (or better yet, do them without prompting or needing a list!). When she's stable, she can be left home alone for a short time. There have been some issues (fighting with Ponito, putting a metal cup in the microwave, a lot of things having to do with attempts to cook!) that tell me she's not ready to stay home alone for a long period of time, yet.

Now the hard part to explain.

As a good mom, it is my job to parent her where she IS, not where someone says she SHOULD BE. 

Expecting her to act like a teenager when she's not ready yet is not fair to her. In the last few years, when she is stable, she has grown emotionally from 4 to about age 10! and she's growing all the time. When she is not stable/ dysregulated, she needs extra help, about what a 6-year-old might need. 

Concrete / Black and White Thinking
This is where Kitty's Concrete/ Black and White thinking made things super difficult. I had to repeat a LOT (and it still didn't stick) that I didn't think she was stupid or 6 years old. I felt that she needed the emotional support that a 6-year-old needs.

THIS IS A GOOD THING!!

I let Kitty know (repeatedly!) that change is a GOOD thing! Yes, it meant that she wasn't going to automatically get a lot of the "teen privileges," but she also was no longer going to get in trouble for not meeting her "teen responsibilities."

I wasn't going to be upset with her all the time, and she would have a lot fewer chores and expectations. Life would be a lot easier.  

PLUS, she still got to do the fun stuff.  

Even if she'd had a rough day (ex. meltdowns and threatening herself). She would still get to go out to eat with the family. She'd still get to watch TV (although the shows would be more "age-appropriate"). {The truth is that we will still be making decisions based on whether or not she can handle these things - like going to a crowded, noisy restaurant but it will not be a punishment}

Most importantly, we wouldn't be frustrated with her all the time. 

I assured her that from now on, if she felt like Hubby was getting upset with her for not doing something she was "supposed" to do, then I would run interference. If she saw me getting upset with her, she could remind me of this conversation. {And I would chant my mantra in my head, "She's only 6!  She's only 6! She's only 6!"}

Example: 

Kitty started picking a fight on the way home from a shopping trip I'd let her go on even though she didn't "earn it" or do her chores. The trip was my way of letting her know that I know she tried and my expectations for her really have changed.  The fight was probably because: a) she didn't get to buy something she wanted,
b) Bob did, and
c) the trip took a long time.

We had a discussion about the fight, and I pointed out that the shopping trip had been a treat she hadn't "earned" and she was not getting in trouble for the fight. 

{Note - I did NOT tell her that because of this fight, we wouldn't be making shopping trips like this anymore. We'd try to find ways to get things like this without triggering her (shorter trips, but her something small, don't take her on trips where she's not getting something but Bob is....)}


Acceptance Not Required
As I mentioned, this didn't go over well with Kitty, but it wasn't about her accepting it, it was about me explaining why I wasn't going to keep trying to keep treating her the same as the other kids, and how that meant I loved her MORE not LESS.