How We Keep Our Marriage Strong!

Hubby and I have been married for almost 20 years.  I had a rough childhood (not horrible, but not easy) and knew I had some pretty big men issues when I got married.  Hubby helped me through them and so I felt he would be an amazing dad to attachment challenged kids (not that we knew that's what we were getting!) - surprisingly, it didn't work out that way. He needed a lot of help figuring out how to do therapeutic parenting and his biggest contribution (huge!) was supporting me while I struggled through it. 

I think we have a very strong marriage now because he stuck with me through the early years and now I trust him.  We do still struggle with my issues somewhat, but he's super supportive.  A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with an Adult Attachment Disorder, which really surprised me.  This is NOT the same type of attachment disorder that my children have.  

One thing that I found helped a LOT was learning each other's Love Language and speaking it!  This is a lot easier when your "love tank" is full.  Which is one reason I find this post about Finding the Joy to be so important.

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus
I want to comment on the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus that I read early on in our relationship.  This book almost ended my marriage!  Not because it didn't have a lot of basic truths in it, but because I implemented them without communicating with Hubby.
  
A basic premise of the book is that women solve problems by talking them through with others (very true of me), and men solve problems by going in their cave, only coming out when they have a solution (right or wrong).  This perfectly described Hubby (who was slightly depressed).  So, feeling guilty for chasing him around and forcing him to talk to me about what is bothering him... I backed off and let Hubby have his time in his cave to work through his troubles.  Problem was, I forgot to tell Hubby (whose primary Love Language is Quality Time), and he thought I didn't love him anymore!!

{Early on in our marriage, I felt Hubby was suffering from depression, but he's an intensely private person and hates taking meds so he would never see a therapist or doctor.  I "tricked" him into seeing a therapist, by having him come with me to support me (I was seeing a therapist to deal with my depression and anxiety - I now know I have mild bipolar disorder.). "My" therapy sessions helped him a little, but obviously couldn't be very intense or he'd have figured it out! ;) }

***

Effects of Adoption on Our Marriage
Seven years ago, when the kids came to live with us, we didn't know anything about attachment disorders (and weren't told that the kids had RAD - or bipolar or pretty much anything else!).  The kids, especially my son, targeted me, but they hid it from Hubby, who they were afraid of (just because he's big and tends to speak firmly - he's really a teddy bear). This was a HUGE issue for me for a long time. At first, Hubby didn't see the behaviors (they were usually directed at me, the female caregiver and my kids have "Charming" RAD so were highly motivated to hide this type of behavior from everyone).

It took some not so gentle, pointing out that when Hubby didn't back me up, I felt Hubby doubted me, and that he thought I was lying and/ or overreacting. Since my Love Language is Words of Affirmation, not having his approval and support, made me feel drained. It took my therapist reminding him that I'm not a liar and that the kids often lie for him to eventually get to the point where he believed me even though he didn't really see the behaviors happening.


United Front
When Bob and Ponito were little,  occasionally one child would ask me for something, I'd say, "No," and then the child would go to Hubby and ask the same question, hoping for a different answer. We discovered early on that we had to be a united front. If we thought the other parent might not approve then the child was told that no decision would be made until the parents had a chance to talk about it.

All the kids quickly learned we were a united front (even if we disagreed behind closed doors). They also discovered that Hubby and I talked about EVERYthing, and the attempts to triangulate pretty much disappeared.

Generally, Hubby and I agree on a lot of things. Probably the biggest area of dissonance for us is discipline.


Therapeutic Parenting
When Hubby did finally see the kids' behaviors, he wanted to parent the way you would a neurotypical child, which doesn't work with our kids. I tried to show him the research I'd done and the suggestions/ guidelines I'd learned from it, but I think part of the problem was that he realized how structured our lives would have to become and he did NOT want the "warden" role. So he fought me on it, and maybe subconsciously tried to stay in denial.{Structure and Caring Support}

We have had some marriage counseling in recent years, but it tends to be more focused on helping us understand the kids better so we can be on the same page (we don't always agree on what is a child's disability, and therefore out of the child's control, and what is manipulation - I tend to see manipulation in Bear and he tends to see it in Kitty).

Hubby has never done all the reading I have and doesn't have time to attend seminars, but he's willing to listen to me talk about what I'm learning, and he did watch a couple of videos with me.

I've found that if I do a quick summary, hitting the highlights of interesting things I've read recently it works better than handing him something to read or "teaching" him what I've learned as though it's part of a class/ lecture. Usually, I mention things in relation to our kids, for example. Bear did __________ today, and I so wanted to do [typical parenting consequence - grounding, time out, take away something he values...], but based on what I learned about therapeutic parenting from ________, it was suggested that we [therapeutic parenting consequence - add more structure, time in, use these calming techniques until he gets out of fight/ flight/ freeze and gets regulated....].

Hubby usually attends some of the local support group meetings too, although it is definitely not his favorite thing to do. I love that he is willing to do this for me because it is for me that he's doing it, not the kids. Maybe that should bother me, but I'm just happy he cares about our marriage enough to be a part of this.

Daddy Discipline
I finally decided to step back and let Hubby handle discipline for Bear. I hid in the bedroom or bathroom a lot and said things like, "Your dad and I will talk about that when he gets home."

Hubby didn't do things the way I would have, and I couldn't get myself to step back completely, but it helped me to realize that even though Bear's life didn't look like I wanted for him, it wasn't because we didn't do something right or we did something wrong. I reread this post every time I start to feel guilty - You Have Not Failed!

The Biggest Things That Keep Our Marriage Strong:

1. RESPECT - we both respect each other and make it a priority not to hurt each other.  Hubby tells the kids they need to respect me because I'm his wife and he enforces it! Every time I hear someone
2. Speaking each other's Love Language!!! This is HUGE! It means even more to me that he tries to speak my language even though it's different from his own, and he was willing to
3. Making US a priority.  We schedule date nights and time alone!  Remember that the kids won't live at home forever.    Eventually (hopefully) the kids will move out and it will be just the two of us for as long as we live.
4. Support each other.  We step in and give each other breaks (tag team!), and try to prioritize and ensure the other gets self-care. I hate not having Hubby home, but I encourage him to go to the gym twice a week because he needs the break.
5. Don't depend on each other to get your needs met.  I know that I need a lot of support and validation, especially when I'm stressed.  I try to get a lot of that from multiple sources (including the internet and blogging), so the burden isn't entirely on my husband.
6. Self-Care! Making sure my emotional reserves are full so I have enough energy for our marriage as well as the kids. 

Prioritizing Yourself, Your Marriage, Your Family as a Whole, and Your Child - In That Order!!

Kitty vent - feel free to ignore!

Warning: vent to follow. Please feel free to skip!  My patience is just so thin right now! I need to get away from Kitty and all this mess, She and I disagree on what she should do next (and now that she's 18, "legally" she has a huge say in everything, even though emotionally she's only 8). It's hard enough living with an emotionally disturbed, mentally ill child, but everyone is feeding her all this entitlement  and she's loving it. I'm so tired of being the Dream Killer (my official title). We decided not to pursue legal guardianship (can't afford it and it's too late now to effect her senior year - which was one of the biggest factors), so everything is focused on what SHE wants, and what she wants is typical for a young child.  In other words, everything I suggest sounds boring - she wants the fun job instead (that triggers her issues and/or she doesn't have the skill or aptitude for) - the equivalent of a kid wanting to be a firefighter, ballerina or rock star. I need the school to give her some vocational skills she can actually use when she graduates (because despite what they've told her, she really isn't college material), which they didn't do for Bear, but all they do is ask her what she wants to be when she graduates, and then help her create goals to achieve that - which would be great if the goals were attainable - but they don't have to deal with that.  They just have to get her though the next year and then they're done. When I suggested to Kitty that we find a job that better fit her needs for the new school year, she flipped out. She's afraid of change, so she wants to stay at the job they found for her at the beginning of the Summer, despite it's many issues for her. We told the school she needed a job with very little noise and chaos (which is documented to cause her severe processing issues to kick in - dropping her IQ below 65 - which is considered intellectually disabled/ mentally retarded)... so they got her a job working in the game room/arcade of a huge entertainment center!    She works with a lot of teens - trigger, and drunks - trigger, who get rowdy - trigger, tease her - trigger, and break the rules - trigger. She's also expected to use computers and do math (her learning disabilities cause difficulties, which causes even more stress) - trigger. School starts Monday and she doesn't have a class schedule (Bob got hers on Tuesday, but Kitty's was blank). Kitty  was freaking out and requested at least some information from the principal of her special school (very proud of her for being proactive and doing this independently!), and today (Saturday - they start school Monday - he sent her what little they had).  One of the few classes they have given her, isn't actually right for what she needs. They told her that instead of going to the special school while they figure this out, they want her to go to the regular ed high school, where the chaos of over 3000 students trying to figure out their schedules, see all their friends, and get their own needs met is sure not to give my daughter any anxiety at all! At this point, all her developmental stages are tangled up (developmentally at 18 - she should be striving for independence - which is what the school and others are encouraging, but the reality is that emotionally/socially she is only 8 and is still very much needing a mommy.  So between gaps and delays and areas where she's actually on target -she's a chaotic mess.  One RTC said that they'd never before met a child who was aware enough to know she was being treated differently, but didn't have the corresponding insight to be able to self-help using DBT.  So I live with a child who wants to be treated like her neurotypical peers, but doesn't have the abilities to handle it, is told that she deserves all the privileges of her peers, has a distorted sense of reality (due to her many mental illnesses), and blames ME (due to her attachment disorder).  So we'll see. Part of me wants to step back and let the school realize that this kind of stuff is what sends her to the psych hospitals (after our family deals with the fallout for months), but since it's happened before, and they refused to acknowledge it then... I know that all that's going to happen is that she and our family are going to be dealing with the fallout while the school is totally, and deliberately, clueless. Since this is her senior year, by the time she surrenders to the stress - she'll almost be out of their hair, so they just don't care. To top it all off, she apparently used the vacuum to clean the cat room (which is tile!) and now it's dead (I discovered this as I cleaned it out - now I know [i]why it smelled like burning ). My son was vacuuming near the bathroom when we discovered the issues so I assumed the smell was coming from there (it actually was - she'd left poo all over the toilet last time it overflowed). I did make her clean the toilet, sweep up the cat  I pulled out of the vacuum, and take out the bathroom trash. She is now "exhausted" and grumpy from all the chores I inflicted on her. *sigh* In therapy all I hear is "What's the point, " when we talk about wanting her to isolate less, participate with the family more, talk to us about random things so it doesn't feel like the only time we talk to her is to "kill her dreams"... all she says is "I give up," "What's the point?" and "You want me to go back to the psych hospitals!"  She claims that when she used to try to talk to her about her complaints, we just said, "Deal with it."  Honestly, we had many more in-depth discussions than that, but the reality boils down to choice.  She can choose to focus on the negatives and the unfairness of life, or she can accept it and move on.  We try to "fix" what can be fixed, but as for the rest... yeah, she's just going to have to "deal with it." I'm assuming she's depressed, but she knows if she goes back to the psych hospitals she'd have to go to the adult side, which, rightly so, scares the snot out of her, BUT at the same time who wants to live for another 5-10 or more years with an angsty "teenage" child with entitlement issues!  NOT ME!! Kitty claims that we're rubbing Bob's achievements in her face, but the reality is we downplay it too much.  It's not fair to Bob that she can't talk about her life (getting a driver's license, going to Spain, going on college visits) - she deserves to be CELEBRATING!  It's her senior year and she's worked HARD!!  Yes, it sucks that Kitty isn't a neurotypical senior with no issues, but THAT'S NOT MY FAULT!!  It sucks even more that we're going to be going through this exact same thing in another year when Ponito starts getting his driver's license and talking about college. I just want to enjoy what little time I have left with Bob before she goes to college next year and Ponito who's starting high school this year.  I hate that both of them spend so much time isolating in their rooms to avoid Kitty drama.  I hate that Bob hates her sister.  I hate that Kitty wants everyone to be as miserable as she is, to prove that we care about her. I just want to be able to celebrate the achievements of all my kids (including Kitty), for my kids to be, if not happy then at least content, with their lives, and to maintain my joy.  Is that so wrong?! OK, vent over.  We now resume our regularly scheduled joy.

Update

"All Women can do WONDERS if put to the test" - Wonder Woman

Updates:

Sleep Study - total waste of time.  Kitty's sleep issues are apparently stress related.  Within 48 hours she was back to staying up all night.  On the bright side, I've been getting to bed earlier... most days.

Bob - Bob turned 17 last week.  My baby girl is growing up!  This summer she's getting her driver's license, has traveled to Spain,  gone on a mission trip, and worked as a nanny for my sister's 5 kids.

Grandma - Grandma had a severe reaction to some medication and has lost partial control of one side of her tongue, throat, and face.  She has great difficulty swallowing and speaking.  We are very worried about her.

Sewing Lessons - I've been teaching sewing to Kitty and a couple of other girls.  ALL 3 girls have some Obsessive Compulsive Disorder issues although they all handle it differently.  One has similar diagnoses to Kitty (bipolar, RAD, ADHD...), BUT she has a much higher IQ and I can really tell the difference sometimes.  Still it has been very rewarding and given me a lot of Words of Affirmation!  *grin*  It's also been inspirational and I've been sewing for some auctions, most recently to put in an auction for scholarships for next year's Trauma Mama retreat in Orlando - http://www.32auctions.com/organizations/8750/auctions/9602

Bear turns 20 this week.  This will be the second birthday he's spent in Oklahoma (he was arrested a few days after his last birthday).  He is still in jail, a convicted felon on his way to prison, and still unmedicated.

During a recent call Bear told us that his biofather and paternal biograndmother were killed in a car accident on their way back from vacation in Colorado a few days before.  His 15yo half sister who lived with their father was injured in the accident, but will be OK.  I've seen their obituaries and they don't mention Bear at all (just the half sister and college-age half brother from a marriage that ended in divorce).  I know that he wasn't even mentioned is going to hurt Bear.

His biodad has abandoned Bear so many times throughout his life.  Bear was in contact with him off and on during the time he lived with us.  They'd communicate for awhile, Bear would abuse this by calling constantly -even when Biodad was at work, until the Biodad would cut him off cold turkey.

Several months ago Biodad showed up at the jail and apologized to Bear for not being part of his life.  He claimed he was on drugs and unable to care for Bear when they entered the foster care system (but he apparently had full custody of Bear's half siblings who are close in age to Bear).  He also claimed he was clean now and going to be a part of Bear's life.  Bear never heard from him again.  Family members said that Biodad had packed up his kids and moved out and no one saw him for months.  Bear felt abandoned yet again.  Now he'll forget all the abandonment and idealize Biodad.  He commented during our call, "Now I guess I'll definitely be coming home to Texas (after I get out of prison).

Sleep Chronotherapy - Changing sleep schedule in 1 week.

Whew!  This sleep stuff is harder than it looks, but luckily not as bad as I'd feared...
            this was written after the first couple of days, then it got ugly.

If I had to do it again, which I WON'T, here's some things I would do differently.

1. Figure out a meal schedule.  I think I lost 2lbs because I never remembered to eat, and I'm guessing Kitty gained quite a bit, because she ate continuously.
2. Have planned activities, especially with other people involved (since Kitty and I are both extroverts).
3. Possibly extend the time to make the transition - if this whole experience "takes."  Otherwise getting it over in a week was worth it.
4. Start later the first night.  We've both stayed up until 4am many times before.  I didn't do it this time, because we had something to do at 1pm, and I wanted to give us a full 8 hours and still some time to wake up and get ready for the appointment.

Sleep Phase Chronotherapy (SPC) -
• Mon: sleep 4am to noon (actual 5am - 1pm) - she had trouble falling asleep until almost 5am.
Not too much trouble except she wanted to lay on the floor with her arm over her eyes so I couldn't see if she was awake.  I squirted my water pistol above her to gently mist her a tiny bit until she was willing to sit so I could see her face.

• Tues: sleep 7am to 3pm (actual 8am - 3pm) - she had trouble falling asleep until 8am.
Discussed the sleep study in therapy and the therapist pointed out her issues with defiance were causing her to miss out on a lot.  Decided the attachment challenge should definitely be over until this sleep chronotherapy is resolved.
She fell asleep about 6am, so I took her on a walk - during which she complained, moaned, cried, screamed, and threatened me.  Not only does she want to stop the sleep study, but she tried to drag in everything she's ever been mad at me about, including the kitchen sink.  All of which continued after we got home as she repeatedly refused to position herself in a way that I could tell she was awake.  I admit I succumbed to screaming back at her.  We're 1/2 way through this stupid thing and a few more days of torture is worth it compared to living with her chronic sleep issues.

• Wed:  sleep 11am to 7pm (actual 10:30 - 7) - Didn't make it to 11am like I was hoping - Kitty took a shower and was in her room by 10:20.
Both of us naturally woke up around 3pm.  Me, because I got confused about the wake-up time and Kitty because she got hungry.
Did OK most of the "day" although the wee hours of the morning caused some crankiness.  Discovered that having someone here to keep Kitty company made a HUGE difference.  She went for a walk with a girlfriend in the morning and we had another girl over for a sewing lesson that ended up helping us stay awake until a little AFTER "bedtime."

• Thur: sleep 1pm to 9pm (actual 1:30pm to 9:30pm) - Made it 1/2 hour past the original 1pm bedtime.
Obviously we're getting used to these hours; there was much less temptation to sleep in the wee hours, so almost no drama (around 10am she got too comfy in a chair with a blanket, and refused to sit up).
She actually asked to do some sewing, but decided she wasn't quite awake enough to actually do it, so she waited until the sewing lesson at 1pm.

• Fri:  sleep 5pm to 1am (actual 6pm to 3am) - Both of us made it easily past 5pm, because we had company until 4:30pm and then had things to finish.
Decided to sleep in a little because I'm hoping we can get on a "normal" schedule from here on out and that means staying up past 8pm!

• Sat:  sleep 8pm to 4am (actual...) no idea, but it's 7:30pm and Hubby won't be home until after 8 and we still have to feed them and get them to Grandma.  I can't find the prescription glasses I use for driving (haven't been driving all week because of the lack of sleep so just now realized it!) so I couldn't take them any earlier. Hopefully she'll be in bed by 10pm!

More info about Chronotherapy.

Attachment Challenge Day 11 and 12 and Makeover

Attachment Challenge Day #11
11:30 I let Kitty sleep in so that when we start the sleep shift it won't be as big a change.
12:30  We go thrift store shopping for our "makeover" for senior pictures which are that evening.  I asked Kitty if she wanted me to do like they do on the show What Not To Wear - they give you rules and the hosts go shopping with you to help you find clothes that fit those rules (Stuff she can wear to school.  No black or gray, nothing tight around her midriff, fitted, but not slutty.).  She said, "no," but then amended that to say maybe I could help her pick out a dress.  I told her that was OK, if she didn't want my help then she could do it on her own and I'd go look at books or something.  I did remind her that it was her money and she didn't have to buy it if she didn't like it.  She decided to let me help.
We actually had a pretty good time.  I picked out about 25 outfits for her to try on, and of those she chose about 15 to purchase (the others didn't fit right).  She found a dress and a pair of jeans on her own.  I was impressed that she was able to try on clothes for so long (often an issue).
2pm - After we got home and had some time to decompress, I asked her to notice that ancient mom had actually chosen all cute outfits that she really liked.  I told her I'd like her to use my love languages and verbally acknowledge that (words of affirmation!) and give me a hug.  She did say thanks and gave me a quick hug (although she remained seated and made me come to her).
2:30 - Sewing class I teach to Kitty and another teen with similar issues (bipolar, RAD, borderline personality disorder, mild obsessive compulsive disorder...).  Kitty's attention span is a shorter and she's not as interested in sewing (especially when she realized she wouldn't be able to finish her shirt in time for the photo shoot).  She usually only makes it about an hour of the 2 hour class, and that's OK.
5:00 - Kitty and I start trying on outfits to choose what she wants for the photos and find (my) jewelry that matches.  I paint her nails.
7:00 - I put makeup on Kitty (and Bob) and do their hair.  The photographer is a cousin so it was fairly casual. I tried to joke about the fact that every single time the photographer stepped away from the camera, Kitty's smile dropped like a switch, and every time the photographer looked away, Kitty was giving me a death glare, but it hurt. I finally told the photographer I wanted her to try to catch a picture of the death glare, but Kitty never slipped up and got caught.
Bob realized that both she and Kitty had chosen lace dresses with a denim jacket as one of their outfits.  She suggested that they do a shot together, for me.  While I was helping Kitty change for her last outdoor shot, I mentioned Bob's suggestion.  She accused me of it being my idea, even questioned Bob about whose idea it was.  She did do the pictures though.

Attachment Challenge Day #12
11:30am Kitty slept late.  She ignored me most of the day.  Except to let me know that, oh by the way, she has a mandatory staff meeting that happens to be right in the middle of a designated sleep time next week.  I rearrange the schedule (for the billionth time), and she texts someone at work.  Then she realizes it's possible to attend the meeting on a different day after all.
4:30pm Kitty leaves for work.
9:00pm picked Kitty up from work.  She forgot to tell anyone that she couldn't work next weekend.  *sigh*
She does a couple of the chores she never got around to during the day, watches a little TV with everyone else, and then goes to her room.

I'm not sure there's even a point in calling it an Attachment Challenge anymore.  We're barely doing anything to foster attachment.  Maybe I can think of something we can do in the middle of the night when we're trying to stay awake.

Attachment Challenge Day 10 plus Circadian Rhythm Sleep Disorder

Kitty had an appointment with her psychiatrist and we got the news that we really have to change Kitty's sleep patterns and right now.  Both Kitty and I have Circadian Rhythm Sleep Disorder.

Circadian Rhythm Sleep Disorder - a family of sleep disorders affecting, among other things, the timing of sleep. People with circadian rhythm sleep disorders are unable to sleep and wake at the times required for normal work, school, and social needs. They are generally able to get enough sleep if allowed to sleep and wake at the times dictated by their body clocks.
Kitty and I both have the sub-type - 
Delayed sleep phase disorder (DSPD), aka delayed sleep phase syndrome (DSPS), characterized by a much later than normal timing of sleep onset and offset and a period of peak alertness in the middle of the night. Like babies who get night and day mixed up!

When Kitty did a sleep study in April, we realized that sleep medicines don't work, and were told that the only treatment left was Sleep Phase Chronotherapy (SPC), which progressively advances the sleep time by 1–2 hours per day.  The idea is that it's almost impossible to make yourself get sleepy and go to sleep early, but it is possible to stay up a little later every night until you move your bedtime all the way around the clock to the right time.

The doctor told us that few people attempt this treatment, because it's so disruptive to real life (how many people can miss 3-6 weeks of work?) and of the few of his patients that do attempt it, a substantial portion fail.  Even worse, if something happens to disrupt the process then Kitty's sleep schedule could end up even more horribly distorted.  At the time, we decided that all of Kitty's compliance issues would make this treatment impossible.

So now I'm stuck with doing it anyway, and we're going to have to do it together, because Kitty can't do it on her own.  I'm nervous about doing it because I'm sure she's going to be dumping all her anger, frustration, grumpiness and sleepiness on me.

Attachment Challenge Day #10 -
10am Pdoc tells us we need to do the SPC.  Kitty agrees.
1pm Kitty has senior pictures the next evening, so we did a natural facial scrub that I'd found on the internet (raw honey, cinnamon and nutmeg - smells great!) - we had a little eye contact (although she limited it) as I put the concoction on her face and shoulders and then took it off.
3pm I show her the time schedule I wrote, and she begins to insist that she HAS to work a new Monday night shift, quickly escalating to a meltdown.
Kitty  had finally told her job that she wanted more hours (my suggestion since we felt she was finally comfortable and ready for more hours) and they responded by adding a Monday night 5pm to 11pm shift (she's been working 5pm to 9pm shifts on Friday and Saturday nights, which is disruptive to family life and defeats one of my biggest reasons for her getting a job, which was to keep her busy during the day, but we are dealing with it).
I told Kitty I understand that she wants to try working until 11pm and that she was uncomfortable talking to people over the phone, but that she needed to explain to the scheduler that her doctor said she couldn't work this week and she couldn't have shifts that ended after 9pm, because it's disruptive to everyone else's schedule, messes up her food and meds, and now that she's supposed to be in bed by 11pm (after this sleep shift).  I also explained that by missing this ONE day of work, and telling them not to schedule her for next week, then we can do the SPC at a fairly leisurely pace without disrupting a lot of our planned activities, and she can still work her regularly scheduled shifts on Friday and Saturday (and the following week, she can pick up more shifts again).  Kitty INSISTED that she didn't care and wanted to take the Monday shift, even knowing it meant she couldn't work all next week and it made life very inconvenient for everyone, including herself.  She then threw down the "if Bob wanted to do this you would let her."
I started to argue with her, but finally just left the room before my frustration overwhelmed me and I said something I'd regret.  Hubby was working from home, and had heard most of the conversation.  He called Kitty in and reprimanded her for dragging out the tired, old "you love the biokids more than me."  We talked (for the millionth time) about how she has different needs from her sister and YES we're going to treat her differently.
I allowed Kitty to make the choice, and I'm trying to get rid of the resentment that she chose to work on Monday night and push up the timeline of the SPC for us both.

Attachment Challenge Day 7, 8, and 9 plus a Makeover

Attachment Challenge Day #7
Kitty spent the night before at Grandma's (a usual Saturday night) so we didn't see her until after church.
Noonish - Kitty came up behind me while I was speaking to someone and draped herself around my shoulders.  Almost a hug.  I snagged a quick and dirty hug back.
12:30pm - The family started a movie while waiting for lunch to be ready.  I was sitting on one end of the couch reading the newspaper and Kitty plopped down next to me.  I sat at one end and she lay on the couch with her head propped against my side. She complained greatly when I set down the paper and rested my hands on her shoulders.
2pm after lunch the kids resumed the movie and I came in late, after talking to Grandma for awhile, so everyone had already claimed a spot.  Kitty had the couch again.  This time she refused to allow me to sit near her head so I sat at the other end, and tried to breathe shallowly because her feet reeked!  She noticed my distress (I really was trying to be subtle) and said I could sit behind her as long as I let her put her head a different way.  She allowed me to put my hands on her shoulders, with less complaint.
No other touching or shared activities for the rest of the day.

Attachment Challenge Week #2
Hubby and I discussed and agreed to extend the Attachment Challenge another week since we hadn't actually achieved even the altered version of the challenge.

Attachment Challenge Day #8
Kitty had to get up early and re-take the standardized state test (Language Arts) that she failed.  When she got home in the early afternoon, I was working hard to meet a deadline so she plopped in front of the TV and I didn't see much of her. That evening we went to an adoption support group, so again, I didn't see much of her.  I still managed to get more hugs from the other kids who were with Grandma all day than from Kitty all last week.  *sigh*

Makeover
Kitty and Bob have Senior Pictures this week, and Bob has been preparing for them as if they were a professional photo shoot! lol!  She has been gathering photos that are inspirational for a pose or location.  On her recent trip to Spain (an educational field trip arranged through her art teacher) she purchased several outfits specifically to wear in her senior class pictures.  She talked me into purchasing a couple of dresses as an early birthday present, specifically for the photos.

Kitty on the other hand has been ignoring the whole thing and saying she doesn't want to do them at all.  She has however been taking tons of pictures of herself with her new iPod camera (actually very flattering pictures).  I know part of the issue is that Kitty has some self-perception images.  Several weeks ago I decided to teach sewing classes to Kitty and a few other girls, most of which have similar issues to Kitty.  Kitty picked a couple of blouse patterns, and she mentioned that she had wanted to wear the new tops for the photos, but of course we had just barely started the project.

After realizing this might be a fun way to spend some time together, I carefully offered a "makeover" to Kitty.  I told her we didn't have the money to go shopping, but that there were some things we could do to refresh and revamp her current wardrobe and style.  I was trying to be super careful not to imply that there was anything wrong with her, just that it might be fun to do a (gentle version) What Not To Wear style makeover.  She was actually gung ho.

During the sewing lessons we had taken Kitty's measurements, and like one of the other girls, Kitty has a small frame, but larger bust (and belly).  I told her we could take in some of her garments at the shoulders so they didn't hang off her shoulders and that would make them look better.  We also talked about taking her medication to empty the poo from inside, and some natural face cleansers for her acne.

I told her that one thing that they do on What Not To Wear, and one thing I do as well, is wear control top undergarments.  I made sure to mention that she has a cute figure, but if she wanted to try one of the undergarments to see if she'd feel comfortable in them, then I had some she could use and see if they're comfortable (Kitty is very sensitive to textures and pressures).  Kitty not only tried and like it, but was very excited about the 5 inches it took off her waist!

Attachment Challenge Day #9
1:00pm  - One of the girls in the sewing class came over and we took everyone's measurements and started getting the patterns adjusted for sewing.  Kitty tried to play on her iPod most of the time, and the other girl demanded a lot of attention, but Kitty mostly stayed engaged for the first hour.  Using the excuse that she hadn't gone to bed until 4am (so got less than 7 hours of sleep), Kitty kept trying to check out.  I realized that it would be easier if I focused on the other student for the last 30 minutes of the class, so let Kitty "take a break" (she napped until therapy).
6pm  - We started cutting Kitty's fabric, but her poor hand skills and perfectionism made her miserable and she begged to "take a break," almost immediately.  I let her stop when we got to a good stopping point.
8:50pm - Kitty was sitting next to me so I reached over to put my hands on her shoulders.  She immediately protested that we'd already done a lot of "that stuff" today, but I told her it didn't count toward the physical touch.  I moved my arm to her lower back (kidneys), and she allowed it, although she sat up straight - no leaning in or getting comfortable.  At bedtime (9pm) she jumped up and hurried to bed.