Trauma Healing Goals

Just had to share this!

Happy Mother's Day, fellow Trauma Mamas.

How to get some sleep

Image by photosforyou from Pixabay

Some common causes of issues with sleeping:

• Mental illness - Bipolar disorder, ADHD...
• Trauma - PTSD, Night Terrors - Sleep terrors differ from nightmares. The dreamer of a nightmare wakes up from the dream and may remember details, but a person who has a sleep terror episode remains asleep. Children usually don't remember anything about their sleep terrors in the morning. Adults may recall a dream fragment they had during the sleep terrors. Also, nightmares generally occur in the last half of the night, while sleep terrors occur in the first half of the night. 
• Sexual Abuse - if a child was abused/ molested in bed, the bed and bedtime can become a trigger.
• Behavioral Insomnia - young children learn to settle to sleep by relying on parents through behaviors such as rocking or nursing to help the child fall asleep. Lack of limit-setting by parents can lead to negative associations with sleep and resistance of refusal to go to bed. Older children and teens may have an excessive amount of anxiety and worry regarding sleep and sleeplessness. Their heightened anxiety makes falling asleep more challenging, which in turn makes sleep a more negative experience and leads to a potentially vicious cycle
• Sleep Disorders -
  Circadian Rhythm Sleep Disorder - a family of sleep disorders affecting, among other things, the timing of sleep. People with circadian rhythm sleep disorders are unable to sleep and wake at the times required for normal work, school, and social needs.
  Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS) - a disorder of the part of the nervous system that causes an urge to move the legs. People with restless legs syndrome have uncomfortable sensations in their legs (and sometimes arms or other parts of the body) and an irresistible urge to move their legs to relieve the sensations. The condition causes an uncomfortable, "itchy," "pins and needles," or "creepy-crawly" feeling in the legs. The sensations are usually worse at rest, especially when lying or sitting.
  Sleep-related Breathing Disorders - apnea, snoring...
• Allergies/ Intolerances -
  Food-Allergy Insomnia - Both adults and children can suffer from food-allergy insomnia, though it's more commonly noted in children under the age of 4.
  {Marythemom: Personally, food intolerances cause me to feel itchy and restless at bedtime and I'm often unable to sleep.}
  Food Dyes and Colorings Food dyes and colorings have been known to have strong behavioral effects on children.
• Medications - 

ADHD and Sleep

ADHD is linked with a variety of sleep problems. For example, one recent study found that children with ADHD had higher rates of daytime sleepiness than children without ADHD. Another study found that 50% of children with ADHD had signs of sleep disordered breathing, compared to only 22% of children without ADHD. Research also suggests that restless legs syndrome and periodic leg movement syndrome are also common in children with ADHD.

In general, sleep deprivation is a problem among children in America. According to NSF's 2004 Sleep in America poll, more than two-thirds of children experience one or more sleep problems at least a few nights a week.

For children with ADHD, poor sleep (too little sleep or symptoms of sleep disorders) may profoundly impact ADHD symptoms. In fact, one study found that treating sleep problems may be enough to eliminate attention and hyperactivity issues for some children.

Children and adults behave differently as a result of sleepiness. Adults usually become sluggish when tired while children tend to overcompensate and speed up. For this reason, sleep deprivation is sometimes confused with ADHD in children. Children may also be moody, emotionally explosive, and/or aggressive as a result of sleepiness.

In a study involving 2,463 children aged 6-15, children with sleep problems were more likely to be inattentive, hyperactive, impulsive, and display oppositional behaviors.

 Bipolar Disorder and Sleep 

Bipolar disorder may affect sleep in many ways. For example, it can lead to:

• Insomnia, the inability to fall asleep or remain asleep long enough to feel rested (resulting in feeling tired the next day).

• Hypersomnia, or over-sleeping, which is sometimes even more common than insomnia during periods of depression in bipolar disorder.

• Decreased need for sleep, in which (unlike insomnia) someone can get by with little or no sleep and not feel tired as a result the next day.

• Delayed sleep phase syndrome, a circadian-rhythm sleep disorder resulting in insomnia and daytime sleepiness.

• REM (rapid eye movement) sleep abnormalities, which may make dreams very vivid or bizarre.

• Irregular sleep-wake schedules, which sometimes result from a lifestyle that involves excessive activity at night.

• Co-occurring drug addictions, which may disrupt sleep and intensify pre-existing symptoms of bipolar disorder.

• Co-occurring sleep apnea, which may affect up to a third of people with bipolar disorder, which can cause excessive daytime sleepiness and fatigue.

During the highs of bipolar disorder (periods of mania), you may be so aroused that you can go for days without sleep without feeling tired the next day. For three out of four people with bipolar disorder, sleep problems are the most common signal that a period of mania is about to occur. Sleep deprivation, as well as jet lag, can also trigger manic or hypomanic episodes for some people with bipolar disorder.

Some techniques for getting sleep:

• BEDTIME ROUTINE. Have a set bedtime routine and stick to it. (Bath, brush teeth, "room time," quiet activity in a dimly lit room, parent reading a book or telling a story*, singing a song or rubbing the child's back...).
• Room Time. This was for both the kids and the parents. Room time was 1/2 hour before bed or 9pm whichever was earlier. Even my older kids had room time. Especially as teens most of my kids didn't really go to sleep at 8 or 9pm anymore, but if they were up running around, the kids who needed more sleep would want to be up too. Plus, Hubby and I wanted some adult time (Get your mind out of the gutter! We just wanted to watch non-Disney TV shows and talk about our day!). 
• Avoid stimulating activities between dinner and bedtime. This is not the time for a rousing game of tag or scary movies/ stories.
• Establish a regular exercise routine (do avoid exercising too late in the day).
• Eating and drinking. Avoid eating a heavy evening meal and caffeinated beverages.
• Avoid overstimulation - bedrooms should not be playrooms. Our therapist suggests bedrooms should have a bed, a dresser (even this can be too much for some kids!), a stuffed animal or two, a book or two and a quiet activity if the child doesn't read independently. No TV or other electronics with screens belong in a bedroom.
• Decrease distractions - White noise can help. Use fans, heaters, blinds, earplugs, or sleep masks, as needed.
• Give your child tools to overcome his worries. These can include a flashlight, a spray bottle filled with "monster spray," or a large stuffed animal to "protect" him.
• Screen time ending 2 hours before bedtime - Screens – found on computers, cellphones, and TVs – emit blue light that is found in the light spectrum present during daytime hours. Acting as artificial sunlight, blue light decreases your production of melatonin.
• No electronics in the bedroom - nothing with a blue light - no tv, no computer, no mobile devices (had to be charging in parent's room overnight)... My older teens were allowed to have their laptop in their room if they could be trusted, didn't have sleep issues, and needed them for homework and such. 
• Melatonin - a mild herbal supplement available over the counter that helps regulate your sleep cycle. A small dose is usually given near dark to signal the body that nighttime is coming (this is why it does not really work during the day). 
• Essential oils - I don't claim to know anything about these, but a lot of parents swear by them. 
• Sleep meds - children taking sleep meds should do so only under a doctor's care. If an adult requires sleep meds more than a few days in a row, it's probably a good idea to discuss it with a doctor.
• Medications - Certain bipolar medications may also affect sleep as a side effect. For example, they may disrupt the sleep-wake cycle. Discuss this with your child's doctor.
• Consistent bedtime and wake time. No matter what time I went to sleep the night before, I get up every day (even weekends) at the same time. This helps force my body to keep my circadian rhythms more regular. For children past the age of napping. Avoid naps during the day.
• Bright lights in the morning. Getting the child active and moving in the morning. 
• Sleep time. People generally need 8 hours of sleep a day. Kids and teens usually need closer to 10. Especially when my kids are dysregulated, I move their bedtime earlier.
• Daylight Savings time and school holidays. Changing your body's sleep schedule takes time. I usually start getting the kids back on schedule 2 weeks prior to school starting again after winter and summer vacations, and avoid letting the kids stay up too late or sleep in too much on weekends and holidays.
• Sleep Study - Having a professional sleep study done can rule out things like Restless Leg Syndrome and Sleep Apnea.
• Keep a Sleep Diary - 

• How long it takes to go to sleep

• How many times you wake up during the night

• How long you sleep all night

• When you take medication or use caffeine, alcohol, or nicotine

• When you exercise and for how long

• Events and Stressors from the day

• See a professional sleep doctor (somnologist).
• Biofeedback - Practice biofeedback and other calming techniques at other times of the day. Then you can use them at bedtime.
• Counting to 100. I use this one a lot. I get comfy, close my eyes, breathe slowly and deeply, and count to 100 in my head - each breath in and out is a count of 1 (deep breath in, deep breath out - "1", deep breath in, deep breath out - "2"... If I move for any reason then I have to start over with 1. If I reach 100 and I'm still awake, then I roll over and try a new position - and restart the count.
• 4-7-8 Breath. I use this quick and simple breathing every night. It works!
  
• Progressive Muscle Relaxation - The link gives a good tutorial, but basically PMR teaches you how to relax your muscles through a two-step process. First, you systematically tense particular muscle groups in your body, such as your neck and shoulders. Next, you release the tension and notice how your muscles feel when you relax them. This exercise will help you to lower your overall tension and stress levels, and help you relax when you are feeling anxious. 
• Sleep Phase Chronotherapy (SPC), which progressively advances sleep time by 1–2 hours per week until you've gone all the way around the clock to your preferred bedtime. The idea is that it's almost impossible to make yourself get sleepy and go to sleep early, but it is possible to stay up a little later every night until you move your bedtime all the way around the clock to the right time. Yes, this is as difficult to do as it sounds. This post has info on how this went when I did SPC with Kitty.
• Weighted Blankets - You can even make these yourself. How to Make a Weighted Blanket
• Nightmares - One thing my mother taught me is that we can take control of our dreams and nightmares. When I have a recurring nightmare (such as being chased). I try to think of what's going on in my life that might be making me feel this way. Then I rewrite the dream in my head (might be right when I wake up, might be later in the day). I imagine every detail of what I want to have happen instead. (Turn and confront the person chasing me. Have the ability to fly. Whatever.) Think of defeating a bogart in a Harry Potter movie.
• Visualization - How to have good dreams. My "secret trick."
  Kitty wanted to have a good dream, and I told her I knew a secret trick.
  
  I asked her what she wanted to dream about - "getting married and having kids with Jesse McCartney" (Blech!). But I decided to ignore the gross factor, so we both could get some sleep seeing as she'd had a tough day.
  
  So to have a good dream you tell yourself a story or write a play in your head while you're laying comfy in your bed. Your story is about what you want to dream about, but you have to imagine EVERY detail. Where are you? What does your house look like, is it a two-story or a one-story, are you in the living room? Where is Jesse? Is he at work? Do you go with him? Do you work? What do you do? Picture it in your head. What are you wearing when you go to work with Jesse? Are you wearing an evening gown? What color is it? Do your heels hurt your feet? Are you in a crowded club or a private limo? What color are the seats in the limo? Is it moving or are you stopped? Does Jesse take your hand as you get out? What does his cologne smell like? Can you feel his hand in yours?
  
  All of this was done in a quiet, calm, monotonous voice, and I didn't usually wait for answers for most of the questions. I just wanted her to visualize the picture. I did biofeedback when I was her age so I tried to mimic the method of painting imagery.
  
  In the morning, she said it worked!

**Storytime - At our house, to keep kids interested in listening to stories long after they'd passed the stage of Goodnight Moon, I made up stories unique to them. Because I had kids of varying attention spans, emotional age, and intelligence in the same room, reading a chapter in a book, just wouldn't work.

So I created a Choose Your Own Adventure type story. Each child got to pick 3-5 things (depending on how many kids were listening) to put in the story. This could be themselves, a place, an activity, an animal (lots of flying unicorns in the girls' stories), a favorite toy, a friend...

Then came the "fun" part. I had to tell a story that incorporated all of the things they'd chosen. Often the story had a secret moral to the story (when someone had been stealing, it was amazing how often the characters in the story dealt with that particular issue!). Sometimes, I drew on fairy tales (Hansel and Gretel) or Narnia type stories (went through a secret door in a tree). The story was always different, although sometimes we might travel to the same place (they really liked the secret door in the tree!).

I always told the story in a quiet, calm, monotonous voice, usually while laying on the kid's bed with them (gently patting their back or stroking their hair), or sitting on the floor next to the child's bed if that kid couldn't handle having someone on the bed with them (sexual abuse issues). If I was telling the story to more than one child, I usually sat on the floor or in a chair nearby to avoid jealousy issues.

The best part was, the story could be as long or as short as I wanted, so if I was tired...

Sleep Phase Chronotherapy

Circadian Rhythm Sleep Disorder - a family of sleep disorders affecting, among other things, the timing of sleep. People with circadian rhythm sleep disorders are unable to sleep and wake at the times required for normal work, school, and social needs. They are generally able to get enough sleep if allowed to sleep and wake at the times dictated by their body clocks.

Anonymous Commenter: Circadian Rhythm disorders are a research interest of mine. Almost everyone's internal, natural circadian rhythms are slightly over 24 hours. These rhythms are kept in check by bright light every morning coming in through a person's eyes. This turns off a person's melatonin production (the sleep signal). She is likely not receiving this signal {commenter was under the mistaken impression that Kitty was blind}. A more effective treatment would be for her to take .3 mg of Melatonin every day at 6PM. This very small dose would signal her body that nighttime was coming. This would keep her regular and in phase with the world.

Most of the people I know with bipolar disorder have chronic issues with insomnia. It is probably also an issue with PTSD and the hyper-vigilance that goes with that. Bear often had bouts of horrible flashbacks or night terrors that caused his whole body to react as though he were reliving the trauma (which he probably was). Understandably he fought sleep and while most sleep meds didn't work, the one that helped (also an anti-psychotic) he usually refused to take.

Kitty and I both have the sub-type -
Delayed sleep phase disorder (DSPD), aka delayed sleep phase syndrome (DSPS), characterized by a much later than normal timing of sleep onset and offset and a period of peak alertness in the middle of the night. Like babies who get night and day mixed up!

When Kitty did a sleep study in April, we realized that sleep medicines just don't work for her (including Melatonin, Ambien, Lunesta, Seroquel...), and were told that the only treatment left was Sleep Phase Chronotherapy (SPC), which progressively advances sleep time by 1–2 hours per week until you've gone all the way around the clock to your preferred bedtime. The idea is that it's almost impossible to make yourself get sleepy and go to sleep early, but it is possible to stay up a little later every night until you move your bedtime all the way around the clock to the right time.

The doctor told us that few people attempt this treatment, because it's so disruptive to real life (how many people can miss 3 to 8 weeks of work?) and of the few of his patients that do attempt it, a substantial portion fail.  Even worse, if something happens to disrupt the process then Kitty's sleep schedule could end up even more horribly distorted.  At the time, we decided that all of Kitty's compliance issues would make this treatment impossible.

When nothing else worked, we did attempt Sleep Chronotherapy. I'm not sure how we ended up deciding that it could be done in 1 week, maybe we were so tired that we misunderstood the doctor. There was also a major issue caused by Kitty's refusal to miss any scheduled work hours (it was summer, but she had a part-time evening job at a local entertainment center).

Kitty and I did it together - for many reasons (including the fact that I probably needed it too), but primarily because Kitty doesn't have the ability to do it on her own. If you're going to try this, I highly recommend having a partner to help both of you stay awake.

I wrote out a schedule of sleep and awake times for the entire week (again, this should have taken a couple of months!). This is important! When your sleep schedule is off, you'd be amazed at how complicated and confusing it all gets trying to remember what time to set the alarm for and when not to make appointments.

If I had to do it again, which I WON'T!, here's some things I would do differently.

1. Figure out a meal schedule.  I think I lost 2lbs because I never remembered to eat, and I'm guessing Kitty gained quite a bit, because she ate continuously (she tends to turn to food when she's upset and/or bored).
2. Have planned activities, especially with other people involved (since Kitty and I are both extroverts). For times when others are asleep or busy, try doing something active, like taking a walk.
3. Extend the time to make the transition (6 to 8 weeks?). It takes a full month for your body to accept a new circadian rhythm. 
4. On the first night, be sure your new bedtime is at least an hour (preferably 2) after the latest time you tend to fall asleep.  We've both stayed up until 4am many times before.  I didn't schedule it this way, because we had something to do at 1pm, and I wanted to give us a full 8 hours plus some time to wake up and get ready for an appointment. Kitty wasn't able to fall asleep until 5am.
5. Avoid driving (or operating heavy machinery) and making life altering decisions. 
6. You might want to avoid deep conversations with people you care about - you will regret a lot of things you say when you're sleep deprived and cranky.
7. Remember sleep deprivation is a common means of torture and brain washing.

Honestly chronotherapy did not help either of us. We were both back to having chronic insomnia within weeks. If you attempt it, please do so under the supervision of a doctor and take significantly longer than a week to make the transition.

Update:
Now, many, many years later, we are ready to try this again, and by "we" I mean Kitty, who is now 22. Hopefully by doing it right this time (advancing at 2 hour intervals a week over a period of 2 months), Kitty will be successful, but I'm not holding my breath. I'll keep you posted here. Remind me if I forget!

Giving Until There's Nothing Left - But My Child NEEDS Me!

By the time most women reach out, I think we have hit rock bottom. Maybe it only seems that way because we don't find what we think we need and just keep reaching and reaching. Like most moms, especially moms of special needs children, I gave and gave and gave until there was nothing left. No reserves. Nothing. I was completely empty. That's hard to come back from.

Handling Continuous Traumatic Stress(CTS) - When Your PTSD is Not Post/Past Yet Here are some things I did to help myself: FINDING THE JOY
I really do believe my post about Finding the Joy

AVOID TOXIC PEOPLE/*SHOULD*-ERS 

I avoid toxic people as much as possible.

The people who say you *Should* do ______. Most of the time, the *should* ers had no idea what was going on, what worked and what didn't work with my child, and were trying to fit our life into what they knew. The worst part was that most of the time, whatever they told me was the direct opposite of what someone else was telling me! ("All boys do that. You should be more lenient and let him be a teen." and "You should get control of that kid. Spank/ground/put him in boarding school... make him behave."

I belonged to some groups that had nothing positive to say. Anytime someone gave some practical advice or even tried to offer hope that things will get better, everyone jumped in and said, "No! You're wrong! Everything is going to end badly! It's too late! There's no hope." 

When I was starting to be in a better place in my journey, I went back to some of those places to try to offer hope and "rescue" some of the newbies and direct them to more positive, supportive groups like the one I admin now), but eventually I realized I couldn't even tolerate that. 

I still try to help parents new to the idea of kids with attachment and trauma issues, as well as those who are struggling in the trenches. This is one reason the FaceBook group I admin (Parenting Attachment-Challenged Children) is only Closed instead of Super Secret like many online parent support groups that deal with trauma. This means parents can search for it and don't have to know someone already in a group to sponsor them. I wanted to reach out to "newbies" and those who still have and/ or want hope. 

STOP GIVING UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT There is a point where we realize that we have given too much. I once overheard a teen like mine being told she was a "bottomless pit of need." I was a college student at the time and thought the caregiver was mean, but now I know what he meant. We give and give and give, and they are so broken that they not only can't give back, but they're probably never going to be able to pick up the torch and take care of themselves. It's like they say in airplanes, you have to put the mask on yourself before you can help your child. I gave too much of myself and had nothing left. I wasn't a good mom to ANY of my kids and there was nothing left of me as a person either. Once you prioritize yourself, set boundaries, and give yourself time to heal... ONLY then can you help your child.

Self-Care --Caring for the Caregiver. The problem is it feels like there is no good time to take that time. 

You're always up to your neck in your child's troubles. At a certain point, you have to stop throwing on band-aids and patches trying to keep things afloat and realize that it's only you holding everything together and there is no end in sight. 

How long can you hold out? I finally stopped. I felt hopelessly guilty about it, and I got a LOT of pressure from everyone around me to pick everything up again, but now that I'm in a better place I can pick up what needs to be done again (and it's MY decision about what "needs" to be done).

 You Have Not Failed!

PRIORITIZING YOURSELF

Prioritizing Yourself, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order**
I'm still helping my child (and of course, I often feel guilty about not doing more), but I will no longer sacrifice myself, my health, my marriage, my family as a whole, my other children, for my child. I think we're all in a better place because of my choice and I wish I had made the decision much sooner.

SETTING BOUNDARIES

Stop Walking on Eggshells - the first part of this book explains Borderline Personality Disorder and why people with BPD (which has a lot of similar traits to RAD) act the way they do, and that was helpful even for my kids who don't have BPD/RAD. But the most important part for me was the second half of the book which helped me set boundaries (something that is very hard for me).

Detachment Parenting An Adult Child

SELF-SACRIFICE Yes, my children need my help to get through their daily life.

No, my children will never be independent, responsible adults. Yours hopefully may be, but mine will not. It's not what I want for them, but it is what it is.

Sacrificing myself and my needs will not change that and even if it could, how long can I keep doing it? Will I be in my seventies sacrificing my health, economic stability, alone, and destitute?

Maybe that sounds overly dramatic, but it is happening to one of my friends. Her whole focus has been on her son and getting him what he needs - she's devoted so much time to this that her health is failing, she can't focus on her business (and therefore has lost much of her income), has no savings (her son has stolen her money and gotten credit cards by stealing her identity), her house is in disrepair due to neglect (but also her son and his friends breaking in repeatedly), she is scared to be alone with her son (he has beaten her in the past and threatens it often), her friends/support group are overwhelmed by her crushing desperation..

Her son has severe FASD, low IQ, drug addiction, and RAD. He walks out of each group home that she manages to find for him, refuses to go to school, steals, does drugs, threatens her... She is fighting a losing battle. She is continuously agonizing over what will happen to him,especially when she's gone.

I'm sure this sounds callous, but at what point did his life become more important than her own? Legally, he's an adult now. No, he's not capable of taking care of himself but neither is it possible for her to save him/ fix him/ force him to stay in a safe situation. Should she continuously attempt to push this huge boulder up the mountain knowing that it will crush her when (not if) it comes crashing back down?

My friend was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Is she spending the time she has left taking care of herself and spending time with her daughter and grandchildren? No. She is still pushing that boulder up the mountain.

WHERE DOES IT END?

At What Point Do You Let Go?
When they turn 18? (18 Is Not The Finish Line).

After my marriage is a mess? Or worse... over. (Marriage - Keeping it together)

When my other children are struggling, because they weren't the squeaky wheel?

When I'm lying in a hospital (or psych ward) because I've trashed my own health?
(Secondary PTSD/ Caregiver Fatigue)

YOU HAVE TO LET IT GO

 You have to re-prioritize with your individual child's needs last.  (Prioritizing Yourself, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order!)

I'm NOT saying you shouldn't advocate and support your child. You should.

I'm just saying, it can't be by sacrificing everything else. That's not in the child's best interest either. How would you feel if your child learned from your sacrifices that a mother/ woman is not worthy of the self-respect that you're trying to teach them? Is that really what you want to teach your child?

That was an important concept for me to realize. By letting my child walk all over me and by sacrificing my needs for theirs,

I was teaching my children:

Women are not worthy of respect.

I was teaching my daughters that they are not worthy of respect. 

 You Have Not Failed!

Sometimes our kids are just too "broken" to help. Maybe you could have done more (maybe you did too much), but that doesn't mean your child's healing is within your control. It's not. Mama guilt is real but rarely deserved.

" Here's the deal, folks - IT AIN'T ABOUT YOU. It's not about your mothering, it's not about your failure (which you DID NOT FAIL, by the way), it's not about a mistake you made, NOTHING. It's about a piece of the kid that is broken. Don't take it personally, because IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. 

I know you love this kid, and I know it hurts, and I know you long for that relationship... I know! Your role as a mother is to offer that love and mothering role. That's it. To offer it. Your job as a caretaker is to do all the other stuff - discipline, safety, etc etc. That's not the love role, that's the job. 

We spend most of our time in the job part, desiring so much to do the mothering part. But if they can't do their part, and come appropriately for the mothering part, then we can't give it to them, and we're stuck with the "warden" job role. NOT OUR FAULT. Not necessarily the kids' fault either, all the time. But don't take it personally, because you are only hurting yourself - and giving them more power to treat you like shit. 

Take the emotion out of the caretaker role - it has no effect on YOUR life, on how YOUR life goes - take the one who earned it to the fair, YES!!!, get the other a babysitter, that one's actions are not affecting YOUR ability to have fun...           
 - this is what our psychiatrist (new) told us this past week. I didn't just make this shit up.  And if I'm reading it right, this kid will heal or not, we're doing everything we can. But this is about US surviving, OUR FAMILIES flourishing in the midst of this shitstorm." ~ A Trauma Mama

Dear Person Who Doesn't Get It

People Who Don't "Get It!"

So many times we deal with people who just don't "get it." They tell us we're doing it wrong. They tell us how they would do it/ how we *should* do it. How their neighbor's first cousin's barber's kids do the same things and it's totally normal behavior. They feed into our child's manipulations by believing the child over us. They base their opinion on their own (limited) experience, and ignore the person who knows your child best (YOU!)

Additional Posts:

Best of the Worst Parenting Advice

Mommy Shopping

A common defense mechanism for our kids is to try to leave before what they believe is their "inevitable" abandonment by us. Attachment and people loving them is scary. Especially love from the female caregivers - they push us away the hardest of all. 

So they try to move on before things get emotional. Demanding that they want to be put into a new family, foster care, group home... somewhere else, where everything will be "better." 

It didn't help that outsiders usually believed my very convincing children who "present well" and often lied so convincingly about things that they seemingly had no reason to lie about. They didn't understand why any child would act like this. It was out of their realm of knowledge.

I really wish that everyone who describes themselves as my child's "second mother" and "rescuing" him/ her would read this post. Don't Save My Child




Dealing with Outsiders Who Work with Your Child:

We're told we are overbearing, over-controlling, helicopter parenting, too strict, too laid-back, too lenient, we need to "beat it out of him," need to "just love her more," need to be more involved, need to back off, need to "let him fail," need to praise her more, put them in martial arts so they learn discipline, we just need to "explain" to him how/ why his behavior is not okay...

The truth is, all those well-meaning people who tell you what you "SHOULD" (or should not) be doing, have no idea what parenting 24/7 with a child with an attachment disorder is like (even those who have experience working with special needs children). They don't know YOUR child and how your child is with YOU (especially if you are the female caregiver).

Plus, they work at most an 8 hour shift with your child, then they get to go home!  None of them need to take into account the needs of the rest of your family, your other children, your marriage, or you.  Their priority is the one child, not your family as a whole.

Prioritizing Yourself, Your Child, and Your Family - In That Order

Unfortunately, that means it is up to you to set your priorities and stick with them. 

You have my permission (not that you need it, but here it is!), to completely ignore them. They don't know any better.

For years, I sought validation from professionals and other people who "didn't get it" and was miserable, because I wasn't going to get it (the validation).

Surround yourself with people who "get it," and do LOTS of SELF-CARE! If we allow it, these people can be just as draining as our kids.

Advocating For Your Child at School

New School Year Letters.  I send a letter every year to my child's teachers telling them a little about my child and what works and what doesn't.  

Ask if you can make a presentation to all of your child's teacher or even the entire school about your child's disabilities in general.

Details on the use of the chart at the top and ways to make effective presentations about your child that teachers will actually read are in this awesome post written by an amazing fellow trauma mama at Serenity Links Coaching.

How We Handled It

Trauma Business Cards
I have seen versions of this card used by many parents with kids with trauma issues. On the back is usually a link to some place that explains trauma and attachment disorders like:
Beyond Trauma and Attachment (BeTA) http://momsfindhealing.com/
The Attachment & Trauma Network, Inc. (ATN) https://www.attachmenttraumanetwork.org/ 

These cards can be handed out when you are not in a place to explain what's going on. For example, when you have a raging child in a public place and need others to back off and not interfere. 

Some of my favorite responses:

"Thank you, we are aware of {this issue} and our child is under the care of a team of specialists {this includes YOU by the way}." Then smile and walk away. 

"We respect {our child}'s privacy and don't discuss his personal story with others. Thank you for your understanding." Then smile and walk away.

"Thank you for your concern. I prefer not to discuss this, especially in front of my child." Then smile and change the subject.

Give them the "Miss Manner's look." (the one that says, "Excuse me, but how dare you ask such a personal question?") Then walk away.

So what do you say when a busybody tries to tell you what to do and/ or criticizes the way you're doing it? Feel free to reply in the comments. 

Dear Friend or Family Member Who Doesn't "Get It," 

written by a Trauma Mama, shared with permission

You are receiving this letter because you are someone we love and value as part of our family.

Parenting children is one of the hardest tasks we can take on as humans and doing so in the best of circumstances has many challenges. We have had challenges and have tried always to put them before God and wait to receive His guidance and then commit ourselves to following that direction.

We don’t pretend that we have always done the best job of that nor that we always acted in a Godly manner. We will answer to our creator for our mistakes, just as anyone else will have to.

One of our greatest challenges, parenting in our unique situation, is the fishbowl effect of it. Our family’s challenges are often played out in more public ways than others’ may be. With that brings the opportunity for those other people to watch and formulate an opinion without necessarily having all the facts. Those ill-informed opinions in and of themselves may be harmless (we don’t believe they are – they negatively affect relationships) if not acted on. When they are acted on, at the least they cause pain and hurt feelings, at the worst they undermine our parenting and do harm to our child.

What we ask is this: “let no word proceed from your mouth but what is profitable for building up.”

• Understand that the decision you are judging is not yours to do so. 

• Understand that we laid it before God and are acting on the guidance we received. 

• Understand that we don’t know what will happen next year or even the next minute, but we are being obedient in this minute and leaving the future to God. 

• Lastly, understand if you cannot do this, we will have to pull back from our relationship with you.

We have always needed your support, but if you can’t give it, please don’t tear us down.
Blessings,
A Trauma Mama
Shared with permission

*******
Message from a Trauma Mama: 
My daughter may look like other 17yo, but she's NOT! She wants to believe that she is like her peers so badly that she'll believe YOU, who don't really know her, over ME who knows her better than she knows herself. Please don't feed into her entitlement issues and allow her to blame me instead of working on or accepting her issues.

Message from Nigliazzo Advocacy Center for Attachment Disorders:
Please don't assume my child's actions mean the same as other children her age. She has had a very different set of circumstances growing up. No matter how many "typical" children you know, my child is remarkably different. To truly love her and care for her, you must understand her language as I do. Only then can you help. So, if you really want to help, please allow me to interpret for you. Then, and only then, can you truly care about my child. Otherwise, you are only adding to her pain.

Sample Holiday Visit Letter 

– Adapted from –

Holiday Survival Guide for Parents with Special Needs

See also (Holidays, Birthdays, and other Traumaversaries Tips for more resources and information)

Dear Family and Friends:

We look forward to seeing everyone for the holidays. I can’t wait to see everyone and celebrate together. Before we gather this year, I would like to share with you about {your child's name}, and let you know how you can support him and our family.

My son is loving, kind, and very affectionate. He loves to talk about his siblings, {your child's siblings name(s)} and {your child's interests}. He likes to play Candyland, Legos, and with his iPod.

He also has {attachment disorder/trauma/ autism/ sensory integration disorder...}.

People with {attachment disorder/trauma/ autism/ sensory integration disorder...} often have certain behaviors to help themselves feel more comfortable and safe. {Your child's name} is not trying to be disruptive or defiant, nor does he need rescuing; he is doing this to regulate himself in his surroundings. Please be respectful of these behaviors and look to me (Mom) on how to handle this. 

One of our greatest challenges, parenting in our unique situation, is the fishbowl effect of it. Our family’s challenges are often played out in more public ways than others’ may be. With that brings the opportunity for those other people to watch and formulate an opinion without necessarily having all the facts. Those ill-informed opinions in and of themselves may seem harmless (we don’t believe they are – they negatively affect relationships), but if they are acted on, at the least they cause pain and hurt feelings, at the worst they undermine our parenting and do harm to our child.

{Your child's name} needs a special kind of therapeutic parenting that does not look like the parenting that worked for you or with children without {attachment disorder/ trauma/ autism/ sensory integration disorder...}. From the outside, it can make us appear bossy and controlling, or even seem abusive -- we are not. 

Please know that we have received special training and {Your child's name} is under the care of specialists, and trust me (mom) to know what {your child's name} needs and how to handle his behavior. 

It is very hard work to take {your child's name} out of his routine and comfort zone and incorporate (attachment disorder/ trauma/ autism/ sensory integration disorder...) into situations like holidays. {Your child's name} is used to structure and routine and all these changes can cause anxiety. 

We also need to ask you to change the way you interact with {your child's name}, such as {not hugging him, not giving him food or treats, not allowing him to charm you into believing he needs rescuing, he does not}. This may not make sense to you, but we need your support in this.  It is very necessary to his well being.

{Your child's name} often requires parental assistance to regulate himself. I ask that you not give this a lot of attention and continue eating and conversing. Once {your child's name} can regroup, he may be OK to return. However, if something changes, we may need to leave suddenly.   

Again, please do not be critical of mine or my husband’s parenting skills. Remember that {Your child's name} needs to be watched more closely than most children are his age. Like all parents, we do our best but are not perfect. We have been doing this for {____} years, and although it is not perfect, it works for us.

We are excited to share this holiday experience with you and look forward to seeing you,

Sincerely,
A Trauma Mama

More Letters:
Don't Save My Child
A Letter To Our Friends And Family During The Holidays (Things Adoptive and Special Needs Families Want You To Know)
Another letter to family and friends.

Other good letters: 

A letter to grandparents of children with RAD - written by a grandmother

Letter to friends and family hosting holiday parties

Preparing the school (and others) for your child - includes lots of links to good articles

Trauma-informed approach for teachers and other team members

Other good letters and articles are in this post about School.
And these posts about:
 Holidays, Birthdays, and Other Traumaversaries
If You Find Out I'm Not Perfect, You'll Leave (aka Why Do They Act Like That?)

 The Frozen Lake Story
"In order to understand what an unattached child feels like, one must understand his perspective. Imagine that you are the young child who must cross a frozen lake in the autumn to reach your home. As you are walking across the lake alone, you fall suddenly and unexpectedly through the ice. Shocked and cold in the dark, you can't even cry for help. You struggle for your very life, you struggle to the surface. Locating the jagged opening, you drag yourself through the air and crawl back into the woods from where you started. You decide to live there and never, never to return onto the ice. As weeks go by you see others on the ice skating and crossing the ice. If you go onto it, you will die."
"Your family across the pond hears the sad news that the temperature will drop to sub-zero this night. So a brave and caring family member (that is you, the parent!) searches and finds you to bring you home to love and warmth. The family member attempts to help you cross the ice by supporting and encouraging, pulling and prodding. You, believing you will die, fight for your life by kicking, screaming, punching and yelling (even obscenities) to get the other person away from you. Every effort is spent in attempting to disengage from this family member. The family member fights for your life, knowing you must have the love and warmth of home for your very survival. They take the blows you dish out and continue to pull you across the ice to home, knowing it's your only chance."
"The ice represents the strength of the bond and your ability to trust. It was damaged by the break in your connection to someone you trusted. Some children have numerous bonding breaks throughout their young lives. This is like crashing them into the ice water each time they are moved, scarring and chilling their hearts against ever loving and bonding again." By Nancy L. Thomas

So You Think You Can Do It Better?

From a fellow Trauma Mama:

WANTED:

Applications are now being accepted in the position of family support personnel.

Think I am doing it wrong? Think you could totally do it better? Now is your chance!! Hop on board for this opportunity to make the difference in a family you think just isn't cutting it! 

Skills Needed:

• -The ability to cut through the bull shit from both child and professionals

• -The ability to put your own feelings, hurt, etc aside to unconditionally love a child who lets you know you are not enough for him. 

• -Must be able to remain calm when asked the same question for literally the 1000th time, or the 100th time today. Literally. Like really, seriously, he knows the answer but he is gonna ask anyway.

• -The physical ability to bend over backwards as needed in order to put the needs of one small child who has been seriously damaged before your own and everyone else's (Just kidding, thats nuts, stop asking me to!)

• -The ability to feel like you are doing it all wrong and it is only getting worse and still keep chugging away with a damn smile on your face and love in your voice.

• -The amazing ability to discern when a child really can't or is just pretending he can't

• -The ability to diagnose conditions that doctors can't seem to agree on and create an appropriate treatment plan

• -The acceptance that 1/3 of your paycheck will be cut, because obviously he needs therapy, fidgets, the right food, a LOT of replacements clothes, bed, sheets, and toys

• -The ability to remain calm when he breaks, tears, or otherwise ruins said clothes, beds, sheets, and toys, because he didn't realize it would break when he pulled it, picked at it, or bent it that far and he just wanted to see

• - The knowledge and skills to assess his academics and life skills, write an IEP, and implement it because, sorry putting on his pants using the button even though he is about to size out of pull on pants isn't an academic need, and we swear he is on grade level

• -The mad skill of being able to remain calm when your child is sweet talking someone into giving them something and then telling you how easy it is to control kids

Duties to include:

• -night waking

• -making sure nothing is stolen, broken, or hoarded, while still allowing him a full room of stuff and every trinket they buy his compliance with at school, appointments, etc. because otherwise you're mean.

• -Dropping everything and every feeling to be therapeutic because he needs it now, even though you just worked all day and got yelled at by three people and you just want to crawl into bed and sleep for hours (See first duty)

• -Letting harsh criticism roll off your back because this kid will act completely different when other people are around

• -Diplomatically explaining why this kid can't be treated like other kids to every person you interact with several times

• -Wiping, washing, scrubbing, monitoring and damn near militaristically overseeing all manner of hygiene.

Ok, I'm mostly kidding, but seriously, if you want to judge, step in our shoes for a minute.

Sincerely,
A Trauma Mama