A week to reflect

I took this week off of work to think about my life and what I should be doing with it. Here's what I came up with so far:

1. I had a traumatic childhood - truama with a small t not a capital T, but still tough.
2. I have deliberately chosen a really stressful life.
3. I am depressed - This is one reason why I've been sitting on my tookus at work all day and not getting anything done. After a 2 hour session with my therapist, I have gone to my doctor for an increase in my anti-depressant.
4. I am overwhelmed - I need to find ways to fill my "love tank." I am so drained that I have nothing left to give the kids, Hubby or anyone else.
5. I am not healthy - I need to find ways to get exercise and be active - this is probably contributing to my depression. I'm still searching for time for this one!
6. Hubby and I are not in agreement about my role in our company.

Almost 2 years ago, when we bought the company and I started working there, I saw it as a
company that pretty much ran itself and I could work part to three quarter time - and be able to spend time with the kids who were/are VERY needy. I hated my job and had sales, marketing and some design experience so it made sense.

Within a month though Hubby needed to get out of engineering and came to work at the company too. We always knew the company couldn't support us both, but Hubby planned to work there while he looked for another job and he wanted to help the company expand. He's handling all the finances of the company and we're not sure what would happen if he left. He also works 8-9 hour days so since we drove to work together, I was suddenly stuck at work all day - without enough to do. I was encouraged to work on more areas (making cold calls, doing more marketing and advertising, and other business enticing activities) but discouraged from working on anything relating to design - so I wasn't able to use my creative side. As I became less needed and under more stress, I have shut down more and given away more of my responsibilities. Then I hired an amazing business development specialist who does sales and marketing and is a lot like me (without the depression) -so I became even less needed.


Saturday night Hubby talked to a trusted business friend and they discussed Hubby staying with the company instead of me (we've always assumed Hubby had more marketable skills so would be the better choice for leaving). The friend suggested that Hubby's skills were more needed by the company and maybe he should be the one staying. Our friend also thought he could help me find a job that pays almost double what my last (admittedly low paying) job was paying. Which certainly wouldn't hurt our financial situation (I haven't taken home a paycheck in a year, it has been even longer for Hubby).

I decided to stay home this week to see if I could figure out what was wrong with me and why I couldn't seem to stick with a job. Attachment disorder? Definitely depression.

At my last job when I took some time off, the relief was so strong that I knew the toxic environment was a big part of what was making me miserable. This time I was still depressed. The days weren't so bad (activities and lunch with friends and family), TV, and of course computer time, but almost the minute the kiddoes got home - boom. I shut down more and got irritated with them.

So after therapy, lunch with my dad, a long phone call with my Mom, breakfast with a good friend who has special needs kids and is also bipolar, and plans to change my medications I decided I would be able to get a new job and it could be a good thing. But when Hubby got home he was surprised?! He wanted what was best for me, but now wanted to be the one leaving our company! I'm so confused.