I took this week off of work to think about my life and what I should be doing with it. Here's what I came up with so far:
1. I had a traumatic childhood - truama with a small t not a capital T, but still tough.
2. I have deliberately chosen a really stressful life.
3. I am depressed - This is one reason why I've been sitting on my tookus at work all day and not getting anything done. After a 2 hour session with my therapist, I have gone to my doctor for an increase in my anti-depressant.
4. I am overwhelmed - I need to find ways to fill my "love tank." I am so drained that I have nothing left to give the kids, Hubby or anyone else.
5. I am not healthy - I need to find ways to get exercise and be active - this is probably contributing to my depression. I'm still searching for time for this one!
6. Hubby and I are not in agreement about my role in our company.
Almost 2 years ago, when we bought the company and I started working there, I saw it as a
company that pretty much ran itself and I could work part to three quarter time - and be able to spend time with the kids who were/are VERY needy. I hated my job and had sales, marketing and some design experience so it made sense.
Within a month though Hubby needed to get out of engineering and came to work at the company too. We always knew the company couldn't support us both, but Hubby planned to work there while he looked for another job and he wanted to help the company expand. He's handling all the finances of the company and we're not sure what would happen if he left. He also works 8-9 hour days so since we drove to work together, I was suddenly stuck at work all day - without enough to do. I was encouraged to work on more areas (making cold calls, doing more marketing and advertising, and other business enticing activities) but discouraged from working on anything relating to design - so I wasn't able to use my creative side. As I became less needed and under more stress, I have shut down more and given away more of my responsibilities. Then I hired an amazing business development specialist who does sales and marketing and is a lot like me (without the depression) -so I became even less needed.
Saturday night Hubby talked to a trusted business friend and they discussed Hubby staying with the company instead of me (we've always assumed Hubby had more marketable skills so would be the better choice for leaving). The friend suggested that Hubby's skills were more needed by the company and maybe he should be the one staying. Our friend also thought he could help me find a job that pays almost double what my last (admittedly low paying) job was paying. Which certainly wouldn't hurt our financial situation (I haven't taken home a paycheck in a year, it has been even longer for Hubby).
I decided to stay home this week to see if I could figure out what was wrong with me and why I couldn't seem to stick with a job. Attachment disorder? Definitely depression.
At my last job when I took some time off, the relief was so strong that I knew the toxic environment was a big part of what was making me miserable. This time I was still depressed. The days weren't so bad (activities and lunch with friends and family), TV, and of course computer time, but almost the minute the kiddoes got home - boom. I shut down more and got irritated with them.
So after therapy, lunch with my dad, a long phone call with my Mom, breakfast with a good friend who has special needs kids and is also bipolar, and plans to change my medications I decided I would be able to get a new job and it could be a good thing. But when Hubby got home he was surprised?! He wanted what was best for me, but now wanted to be the one leaving our company! I'm so confused.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Thursday, November 13, 2008
James 1:19
"Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters! Let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger." - James 1:19
Because Bob was getting an award, we attended the private school's Wednesday morning chapel. The subject was James 1:19. I think the speaker must have been sitting in my office yesterday afternoon. She might as well have stared at Kitty the whole time - even the exaggerated examples she gave were not exaggerated enough to not be accurate.
Listen
She told the children they needed to listen to spirit of the words being spoken. She pointed out that the teachers loved the children and wanted the best for them. The children seemed to get the concept that usually corrections (criticisms, complaints, directions we don't want to hear) being given were not to be hurtful or mean, but to help the child. She also talked about how we had to listen to God's directives and do them even if we don't want to.
Speak
The speaker pointed out that our first instinct is to lash out and to say something hateful. Waiting to speak until we have time to process the information means we have time to first decide if the person talking to us really has our best interest at heart. Even if they are really just being mean and hurtful, then this still keeps us from saying something that will just get us in trouble - and you can't take it back.
She talked awhile about the fact that once you say something you can't take it back. You can try to mend the relationship, and hope they forgive you, but you can't erase it as if it never happened. I loved that they applied this to our technical society! Sometimes we hit send on an e-mail or text message and immediately regret it.
Anger
The last point was to be slow to anger. This is soooo hard for most of my children. Ponito has the least issues with it. Ironically Bear is now the next one. I guess all those years of uncontrollable anger (and lots of anger management therapy), combined with his medications helps him with this a lot.
Hubby and I are lucky in that both of us have very high boiling points. I think in over 15 years I count on one hand the times I have seen Hubby truely angry - and I've never seen him lose control. One time we were having a lot of difficulty with the car dealership over a problem that they kept denying was their fault (2 years later we received a check!). Hubby hit a steel support brace in the middle of the service bay so hard that the entire building could hear it - I can't believe he didn't break his hand! But he's NEVER hit a person and that's huge considering how much provocation Bear gave him when Bear was physically attacking Hubby.
After the "sermon" Bob received her award (for Service). Hubby and I had the hardest time not laughing! They started with the senior high students, a boy about 5'9" and a girl about 5'3", then out came our Bob - standing proud at 5'8" and wearing her high heeled boots making her at least 5'10" or 5'11"!!!! Add the tiny Asian 2nd grader and a Pre-K and they made an unusual looking bunch!! I'll post pictures as soon as I get a chance.
One thing I noticed was how hard it was to get a picture of Bob smiling. I've decided I really need to think harder about getting her into counseling. She is just not happy and yes, I realize this is normal for tweens, but she's been through a lot and has a lot of family history of mental illness to worry about.
More later!
Because Bob was getting an award, we attended the private school's Wednesday morning chapel. The subject was James 1:19. I think the speaker must have been sitting in my office yesterday afternoon. She might as well have stared at Kitty the whole time - even the exaggerated examples she gave were not exaggerated enough to not be accurate.
Listen
She told the children they needed to listen to spirit of the words being spoken. She pointed out that the teachers loved the children and wanted the best for them. The children seemed to get the concept that usually corrections (criticisms, complaints, directions we don't want to hear) being given were not to be hurtful or mean, but to help the child. She also talked about how we had to listen to God's directives and do them even if we don't want to.
Speak
The speaker pointed out that our first instinct is to lash out and to say something hateful. Waiting to speak until we have time to process the information means we have time to first decide if the person talking to us really has our best interest at heart. Even if they are really just being mean and hurtful, then this still keeps us from saying something that will just get us in trouble - and you can't take it back.
She talked awhile about the fact that once you say something you can't take it back. You can try to mend the relationship, and hope they forgive you, but you can't erase it as if it never happened. I loved that they applied this to our technical society! Sometimes we hit send on an e-mail or text message and immediately regret it.
Anger
The last point was to be slow to anger. This is soooo hard for most of my children. Ponito has the least issues with it. Ironically Bear is now the next one. I guess all those years of uncontrollable anger (and lots of anger management therapy), combined with his medications helps him with this a lot.
Hubby and I are lucky in that both of us have very high boiling points. I think in over 15 years I count on one hand the times I have seen Hubby truely angry - and I've never seen him lose control. One time we were having a lot of difficulty with the car dealership over a problem that they kept denying was their fault (2 years later we received a check!). Hubby hit a steel support brace in the middle of the service bay so hard that the entire building could hear it - I can't believe he didn't break his hand! But he's NEVER hit a person and that's huge considering how much provocation Bear gave him when Bear was physically attacking Hubby.
After the "sermon" Bob received her award (for Service). Hubby and I had the hardest time not laughing! They started with the senior high students, a boy about 5'9" and a girl about 5'3", then out came our Bob - standing proud at 5'8" and wearing her high heeled boots making her at least 5'10" or 5'11"!!!! Add the tiny Asian 2nd grader and a Pre-K and they made an unusual looking bunch!! I'll post pictures as soon as I get a chance.
One thing I noticed was how hard it was to get a picture of Bob smiling. I've decided I really need to think harder about getting her into counseling. She is just not happy and yes, I realize this is normal for tweens, but she's been through a lot and has a lot of family history of mental illness to worry about.
More later!
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