Not only am I being told I'm wrong, more importantly no one is telling me I'm right. Much as I want to, I can't move everyone who is working against me out of my "circle of concern." I'd run out of people. At this point I'm so drained that the relatively mild comments on here feel like personal attacks.
RADMomInOhio suggested I sound like I need/want a plan. She's right. I need a plan. I've always needed at least an outline of a plan. I'm totally OK with my outline changing as we go along, but I need at least a direction to move. I can't defend myself against people saying I'm wrong, or ask anyone to trust me to know what I'm doing, because I no longer know what that is. I've been told I'm wrong so many times I feel like I'm out of options.
Over the years I've gotten better about protecting my emotional energy from others. I was a rescuer for a long time - to the point that I would completely drain my reserves. I finally got to the point where I still help others, but not to the point that I was hurting myself... except for my own children. They needed me. They deserved all I could give. I felt I couldn't/ shouldn't put up boundaries for taking care of them, and most of the people around me were telling me the same thing (not Hubby, Grandma or most of my family, but everyone else). Case managers, social workers, the schools, therapists, pdocs, all the books I was reading about RAD... everyone else.
Then I hit the wall. Bear and Kitty drained me so fast I just couldn't give any more. I went on anti-anxiety meds, went back to therapy, anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, read more books, searched out support groups and sites, quit my high-stress job... and kept finding and draining reserves.
Bear went to residential treatment and I got caught up again, but I was no longer "happy." I don't sing any more (nothing professional - just around the house). I don't decorate (I used to be addicted to interior design). I don't sew (I used to be a professional seamstress). I don't make costumes or throw theme parties...
Some things are better. I'm calmer when it comes to dealing with discipline (good timing since Bob was totally able to push all my buttons when she hit her terrible twos - age 17 mos to 4 1/2 years and now of course she's in her teen years). Kitty is attached. I have a job that can take care of itself most of the time. The kids are old enough to help around the house so we're not living like total pigs. I have this blog as a creative outlet and for support. I have a (usually) supportive therapist. If I thought they would make a difference I could start back on the mood stabilizer/anti-depressant meds.
I'm just tired, and drained. Tonight I had a small breakdown. Hubby feels sorry for me.
We're going to try to make a plan tonight. Wish us luck.