Back on the Wagon

As we were visiting with Kitty after family therapy yesterday we walked Kitty to the cafeteria and she held our hands. She was talking so quietly I couldn't hear her well, but I think she was saying people were commenting on how attached she is to us. I could tell it bothered her, and I know she finds it too embarassing in front of her friends, but she always holds my hand when she doesn't think her friends are around. I told her that it's OK to want to hold our hands and she's just making up for lost time. She's still my little girl.

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Kitty wants to come home. I want Kitty to come home. It's out of my hands right now. Before she gets back I want to make things better, both for her, trying to get school fixed and talking about meds and psychiatrists, and for me, trying to figure out what I can do to keep this from happening again.

I had a long talk with Hubby and Grandma about my fears on why the episodes with Kitty have escalated. Obviously some of it is her issues and things I cannot change - particularly anxiety caused by school, but more and more when the kids start arguing I find myself getting agitated and I know I need to change it up, be empathetic and help my child emotionally regulate, but I just can't. I've questioned whether this is because:

• My bipolar stuff. I'm not medicated and I hadn't thought the meds were helping much when I was, but I'm having trouble with transitions - particularly getting off the computer and going to bed, but then again I've always been a night owl.


• PTSD - every time I deal with Bear, I find myself waiting for the shoe to drop. Whatever he's doing, I'm trying to stay two steps ahead, anticipating the consequences, trying to detect the lies, and even though he hasn't been truly violent in years - I'm still aware of that capability


• Attachment - Hubby suggested this. That as I've grown more attached to the kids, the better they are at being able to push my buttons (which Bob was born able to do). When the kids first got here, there was really nothing they could do that could get me upset.


• Lack of sleep - This was Grandma's suggestion. Basically for whatever reason, I'm not getting much sleep. Obviously this effects my reserves. So this is the one I finally decided I was what I was going to choose to address.

I’ve decided this has been a long week because I’m just so tired. I’ve been burning the candle at both ends, and in the middle – using a blow torch. I feel that I might have been able to prevent her from escalating to the point where she hit me, if I hadn’t let myself get so depleted. I’m going to view this as a blessing in disguise because I’m hoping it will help us get the changes we’ve been advocating for at the school, but I also want to take it as a wake-up call. I’ve added a lot to my schedule (NAMI classes, job hunting, volunteering and getting more involved in the mental health/adoption communities, trying to get my oldest son’s transition to adulthood…), but hadn’t taken anything OUT of my schedule – except apparently sleep.

Back in November I went on an "internet diet,"but over the months everything has crept back up. So I’ve decided to stop reading most of my blog roll (there were 119 feeds!), limit the list-serves, cut back on the forums and try to get to bed at a reasonable time. Not doing so great at it yet, but there’s always tonight, right?! Wish me luck!