GIGO - dealing with foul language

(found this great cartoon here)

Garbage In - Garbage Out

Been talking to everyone about cussing lately, and I've come to realize that my kids are unusual in that they don't really cuss. I'm not saying they never cuss. They do during rages, although not as much as you'd think. I'm sure they cuss at school (Kitty delights in telling me she does), but even she has learned a lesson about that.


I grew up pretty strictly in this respect. We weren't allowed to say the "naughty words" either. These are "substitute" words like "darn," "crap," "gah"... and rude words like "butt," "shut up," "stupid," and "hate." When I left home, I went through a phase in college where I cussed like a sailor, and found I couldn't stop even when I wanted to. It took quite awhile to break the habit. I have to admit that Hubby thinks outlawing some of the "substitute" words is a bit extreme, but he still follows the house rules.

I think the fact that Hubby and I don't cuss makes a big difference for the kids.


When my kids complain that all their friends cuss, and they should be able to, I tell them the "preacher story," no idea where I heard it before, but the gist is that a preacher at an orphanage tells the kids not to cuss because the words get stuck in your brain and slip out when you don't mean them to. He catches some kids cussing, the words stick in his brain, and when he's in a traffic accident he lets the cuss words fly in front of the gentle ears of his wife and family.

A couple of years ago, Kitty had started using "substitute" phrases. Her favorite phrase was, "What the Frick?" I'm sure she used the other word when with her friends. One day she was at lunch in the tiny Christian private school and the son of the director startled her. She yelled out "What the F___" ...well, let's just say she didn't use the word "Frick." She was humiliated in front of 1/2 the school (which was only about 20 kids, but still really upset her).



Ponito had a similar episode and we ended up joining the No Cussing Club.



I have a firm belief in "Garbage In - Garbage Out." That's why I'm pretty strict about media. We listen to Christian music only both in my car and on the kids' MP3s. That's because as most people know, music is a quick way to the subconscious and repetition drives it home. The kids argue that a lot of the music they want to listen to doesn't have bad language or isn't that inappropriate (well, not very inappropriate Mom). I tell the kids, especially those with issues, that I want things going into their subconscious to not just be "not bad," but to actually be GOOD.

I have to admit I've lightened up on CDs and radios, I follow more of a "don't ask, don't tell" philosophy. Although I don't buy or allow the kids to buy "inappropriate" stuff.

Since we bought the Clearplay DVD player I'm allowing PG-13 movies in the house. Of course I'm still watching most movies first with an eye toward what might set off Kitty (doesn't always work though since it seems to be social stuff that sets her off more than foul language, violence or creepy vampires.) The tween Disney shows she watches on TV often trigger a reaction (forced speech, manic laughter, agitation). I'm thinking it's seeing kids getting away with "naughty behavior" since Kitty has black and white thinking, and this is hard for her to deal with in "real life."


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I draw a line in the sand about certain things. For me it's physical violence and foul language.

I knew by letting the kids know that foul language is not OK with me I was just asking them to use it when they're mad, but it's better than hearing it all the time. I think it may have helped that I've gone overboard in what we consider bad language and included "naughty words." Bad language to me includes substitute words (darn, crap, frick, shoot...), mean words (stupid, hate, ugly...), words you wouldn't say in front of the president or old ladies (butt, fart, boobs...). By going overboard, I think the kids get a thrill from the shock value of saying naughty words and don't even need to step up to really foul language.

So here's what we did:

1.  Removed as many bad influences as possible - following the Garbage In/ Garbage Out principle - http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/06/gigo.html 
2.  I made a big deal of exceptions to the rules. I told the kids that I didn't want them to watch {XYZ show} because I'm concerned they will pick up bad language or negative behaviors that are in the show. By pointing out what I didn't want them to get from it, I made them a) consciously notice what was in the show and b) make a conscious effort to not copy the bad behavior/ language so they wouldn't lose the privilege of watching it.
3.  Don't use bad language myself, and over react when I hear it in media. It doesn't actually upset me, but my kids work hard to keep me from hearing it in their media. 
4.  At first we actually removed all media that didn't meet our rules. I bought the kids MP3 players that had unique cords to add media (so they couldn't plug it in to a friend's computer and download their stuff). We loaded the MP3 players with whatever the kids wanted - as long as it was appropriate (took me forever to find Christian heavy metal!)
5.  Tell them what the words mean. It's usually an impromptu sex talk, which horrifies my children! Very effective. Ex. "That sucks" or "That blows" gets them a conversation about blow jobs.
6.  Correct by offering the right words, "This is where you say, 'That makes me really unhappy mom. I don't like it when you tell me it is time to go to bed.'"
7.  Offer a chance for a redo. "I must have heard that wrong. I don't think that's what you meant to say, because if you said that I'd have to {explain to you again what that word means, stop allowing you to watch the show ____ or not allow you to hang out with ______ or go to __________... because that's where I'm assuming you got that language from, you'd have to go in the FAIR Club...}. Why don't you take a minute to think about it and then let me know what I actually heard.
8.  Unlike when my child is just making bad choices, when my child is actually dysregulated and/or in the middle of a meltdown, I just flat out ignore the language. I know they can't really control themselves at that time. If I think they will feel like they got away with something then later (after it's all over) I might give them a small consequence for the language.
9.  Now all I have to do is say, "Language," and my child knows I'm listening and not happy. They usually turn down the media or stop using the language.

Wow I used a lot of "quotes" in this post!

Sad Chocolate Incident

(This is not me, and I did not do this with the melted plastic bags, but I found it while searching for a melted chocolate bar image and it's cool!)

I'm still unable to comment on certain types of blogs - which makes me crazy!! Wanted to tell GB's Mom and Beautifully Chaotic that I do read their blogs and sometimes want to comment sooo badly. Even if it's just to say, "You are not alone!"







Beautifully Chaotic posted about her husband liking to turn off oven lights (which she was using to make homemade yogurt). Here's the random comment I would have made if I could. Maybe she's greatful that I couldn't post it.

Not totally related, but this made me think of a recent event. I had bought some candy on sale (something I rarely buy) and put it in one of my hidey spots so the kids wouldn't munch it all. I NEVER preheat the oven, but this ONE time I asked Hubby to flip on the oven for homemade pizzas. At first I assumed the smell was because I really need to clean my oven. Sad part was, the child I originally hid the candy from found it where it was cooling off in the fridge (to see if any of it was salvageable) and ate it all. *sigh*

Summertime Fun?!

Whew! Crazy Summer so far!

Let’s see, it’s 103 degrees most days, although today was a little overcast (it’s 6:30pm and “only” 98 degrees with a Heat Advisory – which means “hot temperatures and high humidity combine to create a situation in which heat illnesses are possible”).

I did officially discover that Texas Medicaid will not pay for partial day psych hospitalization aka intensive outpatient therapy. I thought they’d paid for it two years ago for Kitty, but apparently that was our private insurance, and I remembered it wrong. Our Right Turn caseworker cannot get anyone to return her calls about possibly getting Nebraska to pay for it. (We have residential treatment written into the kids’ adoption subsidies, but never occurred to us to include partial day because we’d never heard of it).

We’re trying to get a Neuropsych appointment for both kids to review the old neuropsych reports and see if we can get a better grasp of the kids’ capabilities – things like whether or not they can drive, and to have the neuropdoc explain it to the kids – so they hear it from someone besides me. We’ve got a delay though because Bear’s pdoc is out of town.

Next problem is that he turns 18 next month, which here in Texas means he’s legally an adult – and his Medicaid stops. Unless we can get Texas to recognize that because Bear is from Nebraska, where the age of majority is 19 and he will continue to receive his adoption subsidy until then, then he will lose his Medicaid – which we can’t afford (his meds are $1500 – 2000/mo and he was turned down for SSI and SSDI).

BEAR got a job through DARS working at Goodwill. He likes it, but thinks he’s smarter and better than everyone else.

The younger kids signed up for VBS(Vacation Bible School) again this Summer. They loved it last year. Last week and this week. Then Kitty starts Social Skills camp 2 days a week from 9am to noon at the local MHMR.

BOB is working Crafts with PreK through 5th grade. Everyone comments on how responsible she is (and how tall!).

KITTY is working Theatre with Preschool age (2-4). She really likes it and we’ve talked about this possibly being a future career for her (she says she likes 4 year olds best because they are well past the diaper stage which she says she is NOT going to deal with, but the ones she talks about the most are the three year olds).

PONITO signed up for Rec (basically PE) which is what he and Bear did last Summer. When we arrived at the church to help with prep work I discovered it was one adult with 8 middle school age boys for helpers. I took pity on the lone adult and not only repaired the parachutes, but ended up volunteering to work with him in Rec for both weeks. *sigh* So much for getting all my paperwork and phone calls made. It has been pretty fun though, and it means I’ve been nearby for Kitty.

KITTY is still on the verge of an emotional breakdown pretty much 24/7 although she holds it together for VBS. Her meltdown last Friday was a doozy and I thought we were going to have to call in the crisis team and maybe send her in for psychiatric hospitalization, but luckily Grandma was able to take all the other kids (Bear was antagonizing Kitty – although to his credit, it was mostly by breathing) and I was able to get Kitty in to see the EMDR therapist an hour early. She was able to calm down and change it up after that. Have to admit though that the “light-switch” mood changes really freak me out sometimes.
Today’s meltdown was because I bought Ponito and Bob some hangers and a clothing rack for Bob’s new room, but although I bought Kitty some room deodorizer in the raspberry scent she chose, I bought one for Ponito too - so it doesn’t count.


We spent Father’s Day helping Ponito and Bob switch rooms. It started out because of something Bear said in therapy about a bird outside his window that kept him from sleeping, but when we brought up the possibility of switching rooms, he instantly dug in his heels and refused. He claimed it was because he had to move all the time throughout his childhood, and now he wanted to stay in one room until he was ready to go to college. (Honestly Hubby and I looked at each other and both instantly thought it was past time to do a room search.)

Bear mentioned it to the other kids and Bob and Ponito jumped at the chance to switch. Bob’s room was directly below Kitty’s and Bob likes to sleep in – whereas Kitty is restless and incredibly noisy and even though we installed rubber matting when we ripped out her bedroom carpet I must admit it sounds like a herd of rambunctious elephant children live in there. Ponito is my morning child (and the only other child we’d trust in the only downstairs bedroom -which is also near the front door) and he was just excited to try something new. He’s now roomed in every bedroom in the house, including his brief stint in ours as a baby.

As of today, we’re trying a new chore routine. Should be REALLY “interesting.” The kids have a few personal chores they don’t get paid for (one load of dishes per child, except Kitty who wipes counters because she can’t handle dishes, cleaning their own room, and doing their own laundry), and then the rest of the family chores are “up for grabs.” Each child can choose to do as many or as few of the day’s family chores as they wish, but… ALL the chores have to be done and checked before ANYthing else can be done. No electronics, no phone (the tough one for Bear), no friends (this one is killing Ponito), no naps (Kitty!), no books (that’s mostly for Bob)… The more chores you do, the more allowance you get. If one child chooses to do all the chores, then they get all the money. If one child chooses to do nothing then they get no allowance money, but can participate in family activities as long as their personal chores are done. If they don’t do either type of chore, then they will be VERY bored. So far it’s going about as expected. Kitty did her personal chores (with lots of reminders), but didn’t do a single family chore.

My kids have been talking about wanting to adopt again or even foster. I’m not that crazy!! I warned them they’d have to share rooms (deal breaker for Kitty!), we’d have to clean house, get a full size van, and make tons of house repairs (the house is 17 years old and lots of stuff is starting to fall apart)… Like the bathroom where Bear pulled off the soap dish so many times it finally broke and now the entire wall is water damaged, moldy and has to be completely replaced. We had a second story deck that was added by a contractor who never finished it, and didn’t use treated wood so it’s rotted and hanging – pretty scary. Had to replace the front door handle because it broke. New handle is a different shape so had to repaint the front door. Let one of the kids do the painting and she got the paint all over the door frame. So now it needs to be repainted too and since we couldn’t match the paint color, the whole two story front porch needs to be repainted… ever read If You Give a Pig a Pancake?

Bipolar, ADHD and RAD

Check out this cool chart that compares the characteristics of Bipolar, ADHD and RAD. Kitty and Bear are diagnosed with all 3. *sigh*

http://www.johnalstonmd.com/docs/ADD_Bipolar_RAD.pdf

Neuropsychologist questions

Letter to the kids' therapist, skills trainers, and case managers (and to forward on to the psychiatrist).

OK guys, I found a neuropsychologist who has actually worked at [the RTC the kids attended](and even worked on one or both of the kids neuropsychological assessments), who is willing to interpret the kids’ test results to the kids. She just recently started taking Medicaid so she’s not totally sure how this works and what we’re asking is a little unusual so we’ll need some help.

She suggested one hour per child. I’m thinking maybe someone else ought to sit in on this with us as well (therapists? skills trainers?), to help the children process this
information and reinforce it later, as they tend to shut down when hearing complex information, especially if they perceive it as being negative, boring or worse, criticism. At the least, I’d like some input into things we should discuss (ex. How will this affect their driving and career choices? Are there things they can do to improve things like memory or is this something that is permanent? How do the meds help (if they do)? …). I’d appreciate some input in what questions to ask or material we should request to be covered.

We’d still need to put it all in perspective as she’ll most likely be looking just at their neuropsych reports. If necessary, she offered to do some pro bono work to explain the results to {Kitty's therapist, S.} (who works in the same office facility). S. however does not work with Bear so this could be complicated.

The np-doc needs a referral or prescription from the kids’ psychiatrists (CBT code# 96118 test feedback?). This should be faxed to .... Especially for Bear we need this ASAP (every day we get a little closer to his birthday).

Mary

Ok friends. Any suggestions about what to ask?





Kids are diagnosed with


Kitty(16) Diagnoses: RAD (healing), C-PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, learning disorders, cerebral dysrhythmia, traits of borderline personality disorder, victim of abuse and neglect...



Bear(17) Diagnoses: RAD, C-PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, ADD, ODD?, cerebral dysrhythmia, traits of personality disorders, victim of abuse and neglect...





The 12 page reports are chock full of things like:


Verbal Comprehension= 85 16%


Perceptual Reasoning= 88 21%


Working Memory= 74 4%


Processing Speed= 85 16%


Full Scale IQ= 79 8%





And they do say a little about these numbers like:





These scores were commensurate with recent testing and showed that Bear is functioning significantly below grade level in these domains. He will need interventions in school to address his learning delays. His scores were commensurate with IQ expectations and therefore not suggestive of specific learning disorders in these domains.





But mostly toss around words like "low average" and "performed in the borderline range."





There are recommendations, but they are pretty generic:





"Helping Bear learn to take responsibility for his behavior and empathy training may also be helpful. He is at risk for future dangerous behavior towar self and others, due to his history of aggression, anger, suicidal behavior, abuse and impusle control problems. Frequent monitoring for suicidal and homicidal ideation, with intervention when indicated, will be important."





"Individual and family therapy will also need to address attachment and abandonment issues related to Bear's history of abuse. Bear is likely to benefit from receiving long term individual therapy, ideally with the same person, so he can work on trust and attachment issues."

CRCG meeting

We had a CRCG meeting last week for Kitty, and I'm still trying to get even one of the action items done. This is our third CRCG meeting and I'm not sure we'll be doing another. I can't decide if it's worth the effort. There were 5 action items, but the other two involved future CRCG meetings.

Action Item #1: We want partial day psych hospitalization (aka intensive outpatient) for Kitty to help us avoid RTC (residential treatment). In the meeting we were given the name of a place, C.C., that accepted Medicaid and also offered partial day hospitalization.

I called them the next day and found out that Traditional Medicaid (which is what my kids have) doesn’t actually cover "partial day psych hospitalization" or "intensive outpatient" or whatever you want to call it. Medicaid claims that the coverage we got 2 years ago for partial day must not have been covered either and the hospital must have “eaten the costs.” I find that hard to believe, but there you are. C.C. verified it. We are not eligible for the C.C. outpatient program. Moving on. *sigh*

I admit that a few days ago I discovered that the partial day hospitalization we had for her two years ago was not paid for by Medicaid like I thought. *blush* I've been pushing everyone to help us get it "again."

Action Item#2: We wanted updated neuropsychological information (the kids were tested in RTC 2 and 3 years ago) that really gave us a more accurate picture of the kids' skills and capabilities. The CRCG committee gave us the contact info for a neurologist that took Medicaid. The good news was I managed to get an appointment right away (we're on a major deadline for Bear because he turns 18 in less than 2 months and we're not sure we'll be able to keep Medicaid after that). The bad news was that meant I had only that night to get all of the huge stack of paperwork filled out, and all the old psych, neuropsych and school reports gathered.

Here's the results of seeing the neurologist:

• The neuropsych testing the kids did at the RTC appears to have been pretty thorough and still seems accurate so we don’t need more testing.




• HIS RECOMMENDATION: We have a (MHMR?) psychologist sit down with us and give us the concrete information we need about the kids’ skills and
  capabilities.




• Bear is about to turn 18 so this is most key for him, but one of the things I mentioned was driving, and while the neurologist didn’t come straight out and say so, he definitely did not give us the thumbs up for this.
  The children are making major med changes right now, which Bear heard as, “Don’t make any more med changes and in a few weeks you can drive.”
  Obviously this was not what was said, but Bear fought hard against all information I was laying as groundwork (“Parts of your brain were damaged before you were born or when your head was injured as a child – depending on where these parts are they can do things like make your memory not work as well as your friends or it could be like the movie “50 First Dates” where your short term memory could be damaged forever.”)




• Bear overheard the doctor read out Kitty’s IQ (verbal 83, regular 77 or something like that) and Bear asked how “smart” people could be. I told him that genius was 140. And when he asked how “stupid” people could be, I
  told him that people with mental retardation scored 70. When he asked what his IQ was, I told him I didn’t know (although I really do know that it’s in the 70s), but that especially because of his cerebral dysrhythmia that parts of his brain worked better than others. I told him his verbal IQ was higher than other areas (it’s around 100) which meant that he understands what people are saying and speaks well (his response was that he would stop talking – *sigh* - sometimes his defiance is so predictable).





• Kitty slept through most of the appointment and overheard very little of this. Her sleep patterns are so unpredictable I hadn’t taken advantage of the Trazod*ne increase from the last appointment because she’d suddenly started sleeping well. Stress of the last few days (family visiting) is probably why she isn’t sleeping.

Here's what I requested from the kids' MHMR casemanagers:

So what we need is someone or a team of someones who understand the neuropsych reports (psychologist?) and is familiar or can get that way with the kids’ issues and capabilities, to sit down with us and help us understand what the kids are capable of and areas where we need to steer them in another direction. This information probably needs to be reported in some way to the schools (they have it, but I think it’s gotten buried over the years). I think in some areas, like possibly driving, that this information needs to be discussed with the kids (especially Bear) by someone else, since anytime we’re pragmatic they accuse us of putting them down. Maybe we can put it off for Kitty, but Bear turns 18 next month.

Their response? They told me to find my own neuropsychologist that takes kids and accepts Medicaid. Who I'm sure I'll have to provide with all the information too. *sigh* It's on my list (you don't even want to see that list, but it's below get the washer fixed and clean up the almost week old foul smelling water that wouldn't drain, and Kitty got all over the floor when I told her she had to clean it up since she was the one that overloaded the machine yet again).

Action Item #3: The kids want to learn to drive. I don't think they're ready (due to their multitude of issues). The CRCG group suggested a local hospital's Rehab Driving Course that they thought would take Medicaid.

I called them and they really will teach kids with special needs like Aspergers, Autism, neurological issues… pretty much whatever, how to drive. It’s basically considered occupational therapy and they take it very slow. HOWEVER, they require the child to have a learner’s permit, AND they don’t take Medicaid.

So assuming the kids are capable of driving (which I feel is a big assumption), we’d have to get Kitty through a parent-led driver’s education program and Bear through at least the written portion of the adult driver’s ed. The hospital's driving program IS covered by DARS (Department of Assistive and Rehabilitative Services) so it’s possible to get DARS to pay for it, since we don’t have private insurance.

The lady I spoke to did suggest we start doing what she calls “Commentary Driving,” where you have a running commentary on every little thing you’re doing as you drive (I'm watching to see if that man will pull out of his driving, I'm checking rearview mirrors for...).

**********************************************************************

Speaking of DARS, Bear got the Go*dwill job through DARS. He looked so nice and “professional” in his interview suit that I wish I’d taken a picture(especially since he hated the "thin fabric of the pants, and must have been seriously dying of a heat stroke (he had on his usual layer - boxer briefs and tank top, undershirt and gym shorts, t-shirt and slacks, who knows how many pairs of socks and boots, long sleeve white button up, tie and suit coat. He started today (Monday) and works 9am to 3pm (well we thought it was 3pm. Ended up sitting outside in 100+ degree weather waiting for him. He didn't finish until 3:30pm).

Bear is desperate to go to football speed camp, but waited until the last possible second to decide (he told me Friday and it started on Monday). He had a sports physical Thursday and the doctor supposedly gave him a stern talking to about staying hydrated, eating better (he’s put on 8lbs in the last month) and being more careful of head injury (he allegedly had a concussion in 7th grade). I’m still very concerned about this since he’s had heat exhaustion several times in the past few years. It’s an expensive experiment (the cost of the camp plus late fees is coming out of his first paycheck) and I’m really thinking the hours might kill him (7 to 8:30am then be at work at 9am), but the exercise might help with his weight and high blood pressure issues. I told him if he wanted it then he had to contact the coach and see if he could still start (camp started over a week ago now - but he still hasn't said anything about having permission).

CABF resource

If you or a friend has a child with mental illness you know exactly why organizations like the CABF are so important. This organization has been a such a huge support for my family and me and I encourage you to check it out.

It is funded 90% by donations. Even $1 helps! Please take a moment to donate today. Designate the Adoption Support Group as your "honoree" and its members will win a free consultation with an expert in adolescent mood disorders.

Donate Child & Adolescent Bipolar Foundation

www.bpkids.org
CABF improves the lives of families raising children and teens living with bipolar disorder and related conditions.

I finally met my little brother!

I finally got to meet my little brother!

Little Bro is a quiet 14 yr old boy. Seemed polite, shook my hand, and spent the entire day with his nieces and nephews (my kids and my sister's kids). He's cute and he fit right in to the family. He's got dark hair like Kitty, and is very active in outdoor sports so had a nice tan (so his skin looks like my niece and nephew who are part Hispanic). My kids are adamant that he's too young to call Uncle. I don't actually care, but it's fun to tell them they have to call him that (he just turned 14 and my kids are 12, 14 almost 15, 16, and almost 18).

My dad and his wife and of course Little Bro, will be staying a week with my sister, her husband and her 2 kids (her 3 step children will be with their mom this week so she has some extra beds) . My dad's nephew (who is one of my favorite people and reads my blog - Hi Cuz!) is bringing his wife to stay too. It's going to be a fun, family filled week.

My allergies chose this week to be a problem. I'm totally exhausted though and not looking forward to cleaning the house. It's in the 100s already so no one actually wants to move around much, except the kids who are already stir-crazy with boredom. I think my parents are crazy for visiting from Colorado in this heat! (Actually it's because Little Bro is out of school so the best time to travel now).

We all had lunch together, at a fast food BBQ place, and then went to my sister's house where my step-mom and my favorite cousin's wife suggested we go to IKE* and leave the kids with the men (my dad and my cousin).

The kids did pretty well, except for Kitty who had some issues because she had no one to play with (Ponito plays with my nephew who is 6 months younger than he is, Bear and Little Bro played together, and when my 8 yr old niece wasn't playing with her Nintend* DS, she hung out with Bob with whom she has always had a special connection), Kitty felt left out. Plus, she tried to relate to Little Bro the way she always does with peers - teasing and poking, her boundaries are a mess. The boys responded to her teasing the way boys do - by teasing back. Bob can handle it, and gives as good as she gets. Kitty can't handle it at all, and then gets upset because she feels excluded, picked on and jealous of Bob. *sigh*

Kitty wanted to go home as soon as I walked back into the house. I got her calmed down, and she did hang in there. GranDad and Cuz pretty much slept the whole time we were gone. *sigh* I pretty much knew that was going to happen. I know I'm overly protective, but I keep wanting to pretend they're normal kids. Overall, just some poor judgment (found all the boys play a rated M for Mature game - not acceptable).



Would love some prayers today as I have a CRCG meeting regarding Kitty which might help us clarify some options for her treatment... or might not. I'm afraid I'm not going to hold my breath.