He is severely traumatized too, and his issues with women and relationships are significant. He's spent the last several months antagonizing Kitty or avoiding her (so he doesn't have to deal with her emotional reactions), not so much maliciously as much as just he doesn't see why he should treat anyone any differently (they should understand it's just the way he is).
Now he's asked to visit her (not sure why), but I had to tell him she doesn't want to see him, because of his most recent behavior:
- He threatened to strangle her when they were alone in a parking lot after an adoption support meeting - we were still talking to other parents so not right there
- He and Bob have been semi-blatant about not wanting to hang out with her due to her emotional reactivity. They've excluded her and Bear has tried to pal around with Bob more (although she's not that thrilled with him either and has taken to isolating in her room)
- While riding home on the bus, he turned to the girl sitting next to Kitty and started telling her she shouldn't hang out with Kitty.
- He yelled at her in front of the entire bus when she accidentally wrote on his hat (she was handing a pencil to someone else and Bear brushed her hand out of his personal space).
Bear's reaction to the news was that he's not going to deal with her ever again. Gotta love their Black and White thinking.
When I pointed out the impracticality of this, as well as the fact that he needs to be working on relationships with his family so he'll be able to have healthy relationships with other women in the future... he continued to state that he's going to ignore her until he moves out at graduation.
Problem is that's not realistic. For one thing that's months away, for another there's a pretty good chance he's not going to be able to move out when he graduates (no job, nowhere to go) and he NEEDS to work on his relationship issues (with all women not just her).
He insists that he's NOT going to work on his relationship issues with her, or me. I've been trying to figure out how to increase the "pain" enough to make him want to work on it. He's been ignoring the issue for years, and just stating that others are going to have to deal with it.
He's been having issues with his latest Kleenex girlfriend (Bailee, the "back-up girl: from our long text conversation a couple of weeks ago). He was invited to go dinner with the girl and her mom. He didn't ask us. He hasn't done chores in weeks. He's been refusing to do any relationship work in therapy... and Hubby basically said "No" when Bear mentioned it.
Next day on the way to his psychiatrist, Bear brought it up again. He started talking about feeling uncomfortable with letting the girl and her mom pay for him. We talked about this for a few minutes and needing to work on his relationship skills with family, and then I mentioned that his point was moot, because Hubby had told me he'd said, "No" to the trip. Bear tried to argue with me, but I just said that was my understanding, and refused to engage.
He pouted. We got to the psychiatrist's office and he refused to talk to anyone. Luckily he was semi-compliant and sat in the offices, and even signed some paperwork he needed to sign (for SSI when he turns 19).
That evening when he got home from school he sat down next to me on the couch and leaned in. I can count on one hand the number of times he's done that (if you don't count the inappropriately sexual hugs and cuddles when he first got here). He didn't say anything for awhile, he just sat there and watched TV. Then he asked me to give him a haircut. (Well, it's better than walking up to me and demanding I do it when I'm in the middle of doing something else or taking time to myself).
So what do I do with two seriously emotionally disturbed kids who have major relationship issues that seem mutually exclusive? I worry that Kitty can't heal with Bear intimidating and picking on her. I worry that Bear will continue to refuse to heal and we will have to continue living with him.Videos of Cat vs Bear for your entertainment! One Two