When Hubby calmed down and came back downstairs after me telling him I'd let my mom pay for a business expense and my meds, we talked about me being on meds. I know Hubby doesn't like meds. He rarely even takes a Tylenol for a headache. The thought of being on meds long-term is hard for him, and when the kids were taking 10-15 pills a day it really bothered him.
I know Hubby doesn't like the idea of me taking lots of meds or increasing my meds. I also know it bothers him to hear about me sobbing or being miserable. I think Hubby feels that because I was doing OK without meds before we got the kids that I don't really have Bipolar disorder. Or that's it's controllable by willpower or something. I know he generalizes this to the kids' issues too.
Gotta admit, this ticks me off a little. I've struggled with depression my whole life. Most of the time I've been able to handle it without meds, unless under severe stress like final exams or, I don't know, having 2 emotionally disturbed kids and a teenage daughter with a business that is struggling and a husband who hates his job?! When the kids are out of the house, assuming I do not find another way to add stress to my life (I'm probably addicted to it), then we can talk about reducing or removing my meds).
Sometimes I think I wait too long to take meds and that I could be a lot happier. I don't want to take "happy pills," but why should I and my family suffer because of this stupid disorder if I can find a med that takes the edge off without side effects. I don't like living on the edge like this, just because I'm not suicidal.
Hubby said he wanted to alleviate MY stress by getting rid of the business. That really ticked me off! My stress does not come from the business. This company needs only an hour or two a day from me and I can spend the rest of the time dealing with the kids. The only way getting rid of the company would alleviate my stress is that it would alleviate Hubby's stress as he tries to continue to deal with a full-time job and the business, and while granted that is important - it is also short-sighted.
I asked him about filing bankruptcy, but since most of the debt is from buying the business it is personal debt so if the company declares bankruptcy it wouldn't help. Now that Hubby has a good paying job, if we declare personal bankruptcy then most likely the company would have to be sold to pay off the debts. Although the company is not making money now, it is the only way to get out of this hole - unless Hubby wants to work at this job that makes him miserable for the next 10 years.
I also pointed out that while I am obviously not dealing well with life right now, I'm also OFF MY MEDS! And I'm yo yoing back and forth off and on them - half doses or none at all if I can't afford them. Even if I didn't need them this would be messing me up. If I can remember back that far I think we've finally found the right combo and dosages and was on a pretty even keel and handling life. All I need to do is get back to that.
So if my last few posts are rambling, TMI, or I sound mentally unstable I apologize.
I'll take two pills and call you in the morning.
