Absolutely no offense to Laynie who was wonderful and fun to meet and talk to (both to her and her adorable well-behaved children), but I am so excited that I finally got to meet LISA IRL*!
(*That stands for In Real Life, for those of you who read this who are like my mom and not up on the latest slang! Just teasing Mom! You'll always be my BFF!)
Lisa has been an amazing support to a lot of us "newer" moms to kids with RAD. I've "known" her for a long time and I can honestly say she was a life saver for us when it came to getting services we needed.
Lisa and her daughter J had just flown into Texas on their way to finally meet her new daughter Special K. (J, K and Lisa still cracks me up!) Poor thing had a faulty GPS so she was lost in San Antonio! Luckily Laynie knew her way around and was able to talk her to us.
We met in a yummy Mexican restaurant called Pappasito's. My almost-13 yr old daughter, Bob, and I had a 1 1/2 hour drive in and figured the plane would be late, or something would delay the meal (we were right) so we had lunch before we got in the car. We sat there and ate brownies and ice cream while everyone snarfed down lunch (it was 2pm our time and 3!pm for poor Lisa and J!). As I believe I mentioned Laynie's kids were amazing, even her two-year-old daughter wasn't having the major meltdowns my kiddos would have had if lunch were that late and they were forced to sit around for hours while adults talked about them!
I've always felt guilty because Lisa uses so many RAD techniques with J (strong sitting, tapping, Reiki, structured parenting...), and I don't. I've always said it was because my kids were "too old" for that when I got them, but secretly I've always felt guilty because I felt I was just too lazy. Watching J at lunch I realized that my kids just aren't quite as severe. Not that they wouldn't benefit from the techniques, but they don't need them as much.
Yes, Kitty gets agitated and has meltdowns, but I haven't needed to do more than reprimand her (in public) in a long time. Not that Lisa had to do more than have a quiet discussion with J, but she seemed to always need to be aware of J. To help J regulate. I don't think Kitty needs that. I do try to limit Kitty's world and I'm always aware of where all my kids are, but I'm so glad to not have to be on top of them all the time.
My admiration for Lisa has increased exponentially. My thankfulness to God for not giving me more to handle is great as well.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Influential people
In an earlier post I mentioned that all my life I've had friends / family/ people who've been influential in my life. Sometimes for the worse, but most of the time for the better. Most of these people were in my life for just a short time, but I took something away from the relationship that made me a better person.
My outgoing friend Stephanie in high school was a good example of this. At the time I was dealing with depression and if left alone would have curled up into a book and disappeared. She would drag me out to party and hang out. I was not a very hands-on person, while she was a very physically affectionate person, always greeting with a hug, putting her hand on people's arms when she talked. I wanted to be more like her, so I forced myself to imitate her until I finally became comfortable as an extrovert and with physical affection.
There was the friend in college who always seemed to have something bad happen to him through "no fault of his own" - I was his rescuer.
I didn't learn to stop rescuing until much later in my life. My mom was a big rescuer, and I thought that made you a good person. I didn't know the difference between helping people and rescuing them. In Social Work, I didn't understand the professors who lectured that we were only to help people with what they asked for - within the limits of our job description - I thought the job of a SWer should be to "fix" the real problem.
(ex. client's request -finding an apartment. What I thought really needed fixing - the raging alcoholism that was keeping him from holding a job.).
My brother-in-law taught me that difference, and I finally figured out the concept of learned helplessness from him, when I tried to fix it all for him. He was a bottomless pit of need that no one could fix, but it took me years to figure this out and stop trying to rescue him. He didn't want fixing anyway, it was so much easier to skate through life. He ended up in jail because it was easier to admit to guilt than to defend himself (he didn't actually do it). We tried to help him through college (we paid for it, signed him up for classes, and he flunked out of several different schools before he gave up), arranged for him to get tested for learning disabilities and ADHD (never bothered to go to the testing), and I parented his son (I ended up being my 2 year old nephew's primary caregiver for the 6 weeks he visited us one Summer). My brother-in-law capitalized on my husband's feelings of guilt for having a good-paying job that allowed him a few luxuries. NOTHING was ever my brother-in-law's fault.
Then there was "Whatsisname." The guy I almost married. The one who was so like my father that he gave my mom the heebie jeebies. From him I leaned about verbal abuse. I didn't think it was abuse if the perpetrator was only pointing out your real faults. He never hit me. He never made me cry. All he did was try to "help" me fix things I didn't like about myself either, usually by pointing them out to me, repeatedly.
Luckily I had a hyper critical roommate about this time who taught me to avoid people who make me feel bad about myself. So I finally managed to end the relationship.
I had some other boyfriends who helped me feel better about myself. Who liked my laugh, my curves, my personality (once I finally decided on one instead of constantly remaking myself to make other's happy).
When I was finally ready to accept him, Hubby came into my life. He helped me work on one of my biggest issues of all. My "attachment disorder," my fear of men, my lack of trust, my disbelief that men were capable of staying and caring. No matter how hard I pushed him away, he stayed; he cared; he was faithful; he never criticized (even when I set him up - "Look at that girl. She's so skinny. Do you think I could look more like her?); he respected me; he loved me; he thought I was was a good person. It still took years. As Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman:
When Hubby and I met, I was an atheist. I'd been agnostic, but was forced to choose by my dad's side of the family. I chose atheism. As I finally learned to trust a man, so did I finally learn to trust in God. This has gone slower than believing in Hubby, because I didn't feel God right there with me, proving that he loved me, proving that he cared, and proving that he was effecting my life.
I began wanting to believe in God and many people influenced me. The book A Case for Faith, had a huge impact on me. I'm still a Doubting Thomas, and it's taken years of Godincidences for me to believe that life isn't just a random chaos.
The most influential people of all?
My children. For these "little" people I want to strive to be a better person, a role model, a teacher. They have taught me more than I can list on this page. Because of them I have developed a huge support group and learned to advocate. I have learned more about myself and I have learned that I need God in my life. Not just want him, not just "Ooh, don't want to go to the bad place," or "I'll pray that God will help me," but NEED him in my life.
Before having kids I thought I was a pretty together person. After having kids I discovered that I had a lot of issues shoved under the bed, hiding under junk in the closets, and locked in boxes. Because of the kids I'm finding myself having to pull those issues out, dust them off, and actually deal with them instead of just repressing/ignoring/ denying their existence.
I finally discovered I can't do this on my own. I need support, but not just from my friends and family. They have their own lives, their own challenges, and if they continually rescue me, the learned helplessness that I know now is bad for others - becomes my burden.
All of my challenges are not punishments from God for my sins, but instead are daily reminders, helping me realize that I need God in my life, he's the biggest supporter of all. So I try to think of the challenges as exercises building my strength so I can grow to be what God knows I can be!
My outgoing friend Stephanie in high school was a good example of this. At the time I was dealing with depression and if left alone would have curled up into a book and disappeared. She would drag me out to party and hang out. I was not a very hands-on person, while she was a very physically affectionate person, always greeting with a hug, putting her hand on people's arms when she talked. I wanted to be more like her, so I forced myself to imitate her until I finally became comfortable as an extrovert and with physical affection.
There was the friend in college who always seemed to have something bad happen to him through "no fault of his own" - I was his rescuer.
His girlfriend back home made multiple suicidal attempts and she always planned it so he would be the one to rescue her. When he went off to college (where I met him), she was in a psychiatric hospital. He didn't want to break up with her while she was "down," but I convinced him it was better while she was surrounded by professionals then later. Then she told him she was pregnant with his child, and wanted an abortion. He took a bus to their small town to try to convince her to give him the child. He'd checked out books (with my library card) about raising babies (which never got returned). He was unable to convince her so ended up giving her all his money for the abortion. When he got back in town on the bus, at 1am, guess who went to pick him up. When we arrived at his apartment, the uncle he was living with had put all his stuff on the front porch (apparently he had forgotten to tell the uncle he was leaving, or they'd had a fight, I don't know). So he ended up crashing with my roommate and I. He was too proud to accept food from us. Then he got hit by a car while biking to work. When he collapsed at work, I was the one to take him to the hospital - only to find out he'd collapsed from lack of food, not injuries from the accident. On the way back to the apartment, he refused my offer of a sandwich... This was all, of course, during mid-terms.He taught me not to rescue someone to the total detriment of myself.
I didn't learn to stop rescuing until much later in my life. My mom was a big rescuer, and I thought that made you a good person. I didn't know the difference between helping people and rescuing them. In Social Work, I didn't understand the professors who lectured that we were only to help people with what they asked for - within the limits of our job description - I thought the job of a SWer should be to "fix" the real problem.
(ex. client's request -finding an apartment. What I thought really needed fixing - the raging alcoholism that was keeping him from holding a job.).
My brother-in-law taught me that difference, and I finally figured out the concept of learned helplessness from him, when I tried to fix it all for him. He was a bottomless pit of need that no one could fix, but it took me years to figure this out and stop trying to rescue him. He didn't want fixing anyway, it was so much easier to skate through life. He ended up in jail because it was easier to admit to guilt than to defend himself (he didn't actually do it). We tried to help him through college (we paid for it, signed him up for classes, and he flunked out of several different schools before he gave up), arranged for him to get tested for learning disabilities and ADHD (never bothered to go to the testing), and I parented his son (I ended up being my 2 year old nephew's primary caregiver for the 6 weeks he visited us one Summer). My brother-in-law capitalized on my husband's feelings of guilt for having a good-paying job that allowed him a few luxuries. NOTHING was ever my brother-in-law's fault.
Then there was "Whatsisname." The guy I almost married. The one who was so like my father that he gave my mom the heebie jeebies. From him I leaned about verbal abuse. I didn't think it was abuse if the perpetrator was only pointing out your real faults. He never hit me. He never made me cry. All he did was try to "help" me fix things I didn't like about myself either, usually by pointing them out to me, repeatedly.
- He pointed out that I was gaining some weight (usually by pointing out my "cottage cheese" thighs and skinny girls) - this was true and bothered me too. I was on an antidepressant that increased appetite, but hadn't been told about this side effect until I'd gained quite a bit of weight. I remember complaining to my dad about this once. He "reassured" me that it was understandable for a young man to want his girlfriend to look nice. (In other words, my dad agreed with him).
- He pointed out that I wasn't getting a "real degree." He was getting an engineering degree, while I was only getting a Masters in Social Work. Since I'd just graduated with a psychology degree that I couldn't figure out what to do with (met a guy with a great job in the Service department of Sears with a BA in Psych, but that didn't seem like a good fit), this was a really big concern for me too.
- I was going to turn out just like my hypochondriac mom if I didn't "pull myself up by my bootstraps" like he did when he suffered a little depression. My mom was hypoglycemic, bipolar, had high cholesterol and suffered from panic attacks. One of the medications she was taking increased her appetite too so she was up to a size 24/26 (we were both on this same med, but my mom never questioned doctors so she'd been on it for years). Her meds were not stabilized so she slept 18 hours a day! This scared the HECK out of me. I was terrified I would become like my mom so I was willing to accept his "constructive criticism."
Luckily I had a hyper critical roommate about this time who taught me to avoid people who make me feel bad about myself. So I finally managed to end the relationship.
I had some other boyfriends who helped me feel better about myself. Who liked my laugh, my curves, my personality (once I finally decided on one instead of constantly remaking myself to make other's happy).
When I was finally ready to accept him, Hubby came into my life. He helped me work on one of my biggest issues of all. My "attachment disorder," my fear of men, my lack of trust, my disbelief that men were capable of staying and caring. No matter how hard I pushed him away, he stayed; he cared; he was faithful; he never criticized (even when I set him up - "Look at that girl. She's so skinny. Do you think I could look more like her?); he respected me; he loved me; he thought I was was a good person. It still took years. As Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman:
"It's easier to believe the bad stuff."Two years after we were married, I think I finally believed that he loved me, and was able to trust him with my heart and love him too. I still work on this often.
When Hubby and I met, I was an atheist. I'd been agnostic, but was forced to choose by my dad's side of the family. I chose atheism. As I finally learned to trust a man, so did I finally learn to trust in God. This has gone slower than believing in Hubby, because I didn't feel God right there with me, proving that he loved me, proving that he cared, and proving that he was effecting my life.
I began wanting to believe in God and many people influenced me. The book A Case for Faith, had a huge impact on me. I'm still a Doubting Thomas, and it's taken years of Godincidences for me to believe that life isn't just a random chaos.
The most influential people of all?
My children. For these "little" people I want to strive to be a better person, a role model, a teacher. They have taught me more than I can list on this page. Because of them I have developed a huge support group and learned to advocate. I have learned more about myself and I have learned that I need God in my life. Not just want him, not just "Ooh, don't want to go to the bad place," or "I'll pray that God will help me," but NEED him in my life.
Before having kids I thought I was a pretty together person. After having kids I discovered that I had a lot of issues shoved under the bed, hiding under junk in the closets, and locked in boxes. Because of the kids I'm finding myself having to pull those issues out, dust them off, and actually deal with them instead of just repressing/ignoring/ denying their existence.
I finally discovered I can't do this on my own. I need support, but not just from my friends and family. They have their own lives, their own challenges, and if they continually rescue me, the learned helplessness that I know now is bad for others - becomes my burden.
All of my challenges are not punishments from God for my sins, but instead are daily reminders, helping me realize that I need God in my life, he's the biggest supporter of all. So I try to think of the challenges as exercises building my strength so I can grow to be what God knows I can be!
Because of my past, I can empathize with and help my kids with their future.
Because of my kids, I actually have a future.
Tapestry of Life
So I told you about how I discovered that the series of coincidences (Godincidences - since I believe they were all part of God's plan) that led to our adopting Kitty and Bear wasn't really the whole story. After attending a meeting of a faith-based women's support group I realized that my whole life has been about God supporting me in this journey to develop and grow in my faith and building trust.
What started as looking at a single thread (the adoptions), helped me realize that it wasn't about one thread at all, or even about giving me tools to help my kids. It was bigger than that.
Today I had lunch with an amazing woman who introduced me to the support group in the first place. We've only known each other a short time, but she's been pretty influential in my life. She has been a source of encouragement (see this post) and a role model to me. We've had lunch several times and today she commented on how much better/ happier/ more content I seem now.
I began thinking about whether or not my life is easier since I met her (it's not);
whether or not my children are better behaved or closer to "normal" (nope, that's not it!);
whether or not I have been attending fewer activities, doctor's appointments, meetings, therapy session (nuh uh)
whether or not I was taking better care of myself, getting more sleep, eating better, exercising (I admit it, I have no self control so that's not it)
whether or not our financial situation has improved (if anything we're much worse off now then we were then)...
but when I thought about it I realized she was right. I do feel better, more content, and less stressed.
I could just say this is because I'm on better meds (I've made some major changes in the last 6 months), but I know that's not really it. 
I think it's because I'm following the path God is setting for me.
All my life I've had friends / family/ people who've been influential in my life. Sometimes for the worse, but most of the time for the better. Most of these people were in my life for just a short time, but I took something away from the relationship that hopefully made me a better person, more on that in another post.
God has been weaving the tapestry of my life to not only help my kids, or just deal with my attachment issues but to become a happier person with a close relationship with God and hopefully to touch other's lives in a way that helps them find the same.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
God provided the tools
Last night I went to a faith based women support group that I've been trying to attend weekly.
As the meeting started, I had been writing out my God Story (testimonial about the effect God has had on your life) about the God-incidences (like coincidences, but too many for them to really be coincidences) that had led to us adopting special-needs teens - see the story of our adoption to know these.
By the end of the meeting, I knew that my God story wasn’t about God leading us to the kids or the kids to us, but about God helping me develop the tools I needed to be the best Mom for my kids AND a closer relationship with Him.
Because of my childhood I had NO trust for men. I've often heard that your relationship with your father often predicts your relationship with God, and also that you marry a guy like your dad.
God has helped me avoid marrying a guy just like my father, instead leading me to a husband who was willing to fight for my trust and love (took many years). God led me to choosing to get a Social work degree, helping me to better understand special needs and advocacy. God gave me a family that have mental illness and my own experiences with depression and bipolar disorder to give me empathy. God gave me a daughter (Bob) who stretched my abilities to parent and discipline a "spirited" child, and encouraged me to search for and accept advice and help.
Then He brought my children to me. Children whose sense of trust is just as damaged as mine was, if not more. Not only did God provide the tools I need to help my kids, but he gave me children who continue to bring up my issues which challenges me to be a better person with a stronger faith too. He didn't just hand me tools (which wouldn't have worked), but but actually helped me to grow and understand by putting me in situations where I couldn’t ignore my issues anymore.
People say my children are so blessed because they were adopted, but I know that I am the one who has been blessed.
As the meeting started, I had been writing out my God Story (testimonial about the effect God has had on your life) about the God-incidences (like coincidences, but too many for them to really be coincidences) that had led to us adopting special-needs teens - see the story of our adoption to know these.
By the end of the meeting, I knew that my God story wasn’t about God leading us to the kids or the kids to us, but about God helping me develop the tools I needed to be the best Mom for my kids AND a closer relationship with Him.
Because of my childhood I had NO trust for men. I've often heard that your relationship with your father often predicts your relationship with God, and also that you marry a guy like your dad.
God has helped me avoid marrying a guy just like my father, instead leading me to a husband who was willing to fight for my trust and love (took many years). God led me to choosing to get a Social work degree, helping me to better understand special needs and advocacy. God gave me a family that have mental illness and my own experiences with depression and bipolar disorder to give me empathy. God gave me a daughter (Bob) who stretched my abilities to parent and discipline a "spirited" child, and encouraged me to search for and accept advice and help.
Then He brought my children to me. Children whose sense of trust is just as damaged as mine was, if not more. Not only did God provide the tools I need to help my kids, but he gave me children who continue to bring up my issues which challenges me to be a better person with a stronger faith too. He didn't just hand me tools (which wouldn't have worked), but but actually helped me to grow and understand by putting me in situations where I couldn’t ignore my issues anymore.
People say my children are so blessed because they were adopted, but I know that I am the one who has been blessed.
What did he say now - interpretation.
There’s this Girl I like A good amount but I want to ask her out But I Don’t want TO do it at school. And I Think I got A way But I don’t know how to do it is a Long Story
S____ and I were not work / seeing I TO I. BUT the person that just called was her, her name is t____. But Ill send you more in a min.
Interpretation: There's this girl that I like a lot. I want to ask her out, but I don't want to do it at school. I think I've thought of a way (to ask her out while not at school), but I'm not sure. It is a long story.
S. and I were not working out because we weren't seeing eye to eye.
(Apparently at this point a girl calls him on the home phone).
The person that just called was the girl I like. Her name is T. I'll send you another e-mail in a minute (but he didn't).
Monday, June 1, 2009
What did he say now?!!
For some reason I find Bear's e-mails to me highly entertaining. At his IEP meeting we discussed the fact that he hasn't been tested on writing in years. I managed to talk them into testing his writing skills when school starts in the Fall.
Oh Bear, spell check is not your friend.
Interpretation: This site has some good facts for athletes and people who want to lose weight and tone up.
Was it wrong of me to send him the following e-mail?
Here's another e-mail he sent me. He didn't send me a follow up to this one.
Interpretation: You can figure this one out yourself. I especially love the "I TO I" phrase.
Oh Bear, spell check is not your friend.
This site has some good facts for atheists and people how want to loss
white and ton up.http://www.powerbar.com/calculators/recovery.aspx
Interpretation: This site has some good facts for athletes and people who want to lose weight and tone up.
Was it wrong of me to send him the following e-mail?
Did you mean athletes (people who like sports and exercise) or did you really mean “atheists” (people who don’t believe in God)?
I would like to be less white skinned (which I can assume is what you meant by “loss white”), so can I assume Power bars will make me tan?
I would actually prefer to lose some weight rather than “ton up.” Unless instead
of gaining a “ton” of weight you meant tone up.
Spell check is not always your friend Sweetie. :^)
Love,
Mom
Here's another e-mail he sent me. He didn't send me a follow up to this one.
There’s this Girl I like A good amount but I want to ask her out But I
Don’t want TO do it at school. And I Think I got A way But I don’t know how to
do it is a Long Story
S____ and I were not work / seeing I TO I. BUT the person that just called was her, her name is t____. But Ill send you more in a min.
Interpretation: You can figure this one out yourself. I especially love the "I TO I" phrase.
Conscience Development
Was reading an excellent blog called Living With RAD, that as usual has provided some wonderful materials that really hit home.
This is an article she recommended:
RadKid.org has an excellent article about conscience development.
I learned that Kitty is right on the edge of the Pleasure/Pain stage (under age 3) of development and the Shame stage (typical of children ages 3 to 7). Bear is most likely in the Shame stage, and the rest of the kids are in the Mature stage. I liked this article because it gave concrete examples of how to help Kitty and I plan to give a copy to Grandma to help her better understand and cope with Kitty this Summer. Best of all, it specifically addresses attachment disorders and the needs of kids stuck in the younger development stages.
Love it!
Mary
This is an article she recommended:
RadKid.org has an excellent article about conscience development.
I learned that Kitty is right on the edge of the Pleasure/Pain stage (under age 3) of development and the Shame stage (typical of children ages 3 to 7). Bear is most likely in the Shame stage, and the rest of the kids are in the Mature stage. I liked this article because it gave concrete examples of how to help Kitty and I plan to give a copy to Grandma to help her better understand and cope with Kitty this Summer. Best of all, it specifically addresses attachment disorders and the needs of kids stuck in the younger development stages.
Love it!
Mary
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