Sunday after a rough day at Sunday School (something about Bear teasing her - threatening to go to her Sunday School class next week) she returned to Grandma’s house (where she’d spent the night the night before). She claimed she didn’t feel well and took a nap. I woke her for lunch and after she ate a little she went back to sleep.
At 3pm we sent Bob in to let her know she needed to clean up the room because it was time to go home. She refused so Hubby went in to get her. She started yelling at him for getting her up when she wasn’t feeling well. She was pretty irrational (screaming, crying, threatening to hurt herself and claiming we hate her) and started claiming that Hubby was yelling at her and threatening her (he wasn’t, although at one point he had told her if she didn’t get in the car he would carry her out, which she chose to perceive as a threat).
She did eventually get in the car with me. Everyone else went with Hubby (he took Bob to buy a cell phone, which Kitty was HIGHLY jealous about).
She and I made it home, but when I told her she still needed to do her chores (which she’s been avoiding all week) before she would be allowed to watch TV, and that she couldn’t just nap all evening… she started ramping up again. She also started talking about having a headache again, but never once asked for Tylenol (the “pain” disappeared again quickly when the pressure was off). When I also mentioned that I thought it would also be a good idea to apologize to Hubby and offer restitution, she got even more upset and started verbally attacking me in addition to ranting about him.
When I still wouldn’t escalate with her, she demanded to talk to her skills trainer. I happily gave her the number, but the skills trainer didn’t answer. Kitty then tried her MHMR caseworker, and told her she was feeling suicidal (Kitty hadn’t told me this before so I was caught by surprise). The CW told her to call the Crisis unit, and Kitty informed the person she spoke to there that her feelings of suicide were about a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10.
Kitty requested to be admitted to the psych hospital. After checking with me, the Crisis counselor offered to contact a psych hospital about an hour away if I would contact the closer one. Kitty wanted the closer one because it was familiar, I was half hoping for the other in cases we might get better results than we have the last 3 times she's been there.
I put Kitty on the “4 foot rule” (she has to stay within line of sight of a parent). She became quiet and calm and even cuddled with me for awhile. The local psych hospital said they had no beds, but expected to have an opening the next day because they usually have quite a few discharges on Mondays. The Crisis person did come out and talk to Kitty, during which Kitty remained calm, but still wanted to go to the hospital (although not the one that was farther away because she’d never been there before). Kitty took her meds and went to bed early.
I kept Kitty home from school and contacted the psych hospital the next morning. They had an opening. On the way there I reinforced with Kitty that she NEEDS to let them know what's going on, and not just pretend she's all better because she wants to come home. She was in the hospital less than 6 months ago, and we want her to get the help she needs to stay out!
Of course when we got there she didn't mention the nightmare. Then when I brought it up she started talking about ALL the nightmares she's been having about killing herself! In addition to the one about stabbing herself in the stomach with a knife that she'd been having when Hubby woke her up Sunday afternoon (which she'd mentioned to the crisis person), she talked about all the others in which she'd shot herself in the head, jumped off a cliff, drowned... I was trying not to show how shocked I was. She hadn't mentioned ANY nightmares before, probably because she was afraid I'd send her to the hospital, but I do believe her. No wonder she hasn't been sleeping!
She also admitted that she feels most of the time that no one cares if she lives or dies so she might as well die. She is adamant that she is unloved. I did know she was unhappy, unstable and escalating, but until she spoke to her caseworker, I honestly didn’t think she was suicidal or I would have jumped at the chance to get her hospitalized. She has been so emotionally unstable she was almost impossible to live with, but the hospital won't take her unless she is suicidal, homicidal or psychotic.
She’s been on edge for months now. Following the directions of her psychiatrist, we reduced her Traz*done (her sleep med which is also an anti-depressant in higher doses and can trigger mania in a person with bipolar) on Wednesday in case it was contributing to her mania and sleeplessness, and she started on low dose of Depak*te two days later (couldn't do it sooner because we don't want to make a lot of changes all at once or we won't know what's working or causing side-effects). She’s still wasn't sleeping well.
She’s also been talking obsessively (and non-stop) about a boy on her bus who is calling her ugly and teasing her, and a senior boy she has a crush on who is defending her, but also teasing her for being a “goody goody.” She is highly defensive about her relationship with the senior boy whom she likes, and it bothers her a lot that I do not approve of him because he teases her, encourages her to feel that her life is too restricted, and she told me he used to “do ‘shrooms.”
Her perception is so distorted that she thinks an off-hand comment Hubby made about whether or not Cleopatra was really beautiful (like she's portrayed on TV), as him saying that Kitty is ugly?! Under my breath to Hubby, I had called her Cleopatra (the queen of DeNial) and Bob had accidentally overheard and caught the reference. Kitty wanted to know what we were talking about, and I said Kitty reminded me of Cleopatra the Queen of Egypt. When Kitty started crowing about being beautiful (in a way that intentionally tried to slam Bob), Hubby had made the comment about how did she know Cleopatra was beautiful.
In Kitty's black and white world, if Bob is pretty then Kitty is ugly. She cannot seem to accept that we think both girls are beautiful in different ways. She's looking for the insults, and like an anorexic person refuses to believe she's not fat (or ugly). Bob is tired of arguing and has decided to just agree with Kitty, but I'm trying to stop this (because Kitty takes it at face value).
So Kitty seems to be doing well at the hospital. We don't hold a lot of hope for what she'll be like when she gets home because she'll be surrounded by teens reinforcing her belief that we're overly strict parents who don't love her, but she does seem to be responding positively to the reduction in Traz*done and claims she slept 8 hours last night.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Glass of water
A fellow trauma mama sent me this:
STRESS
A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience; with a raised glass of water, and everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'..... she fooled them all... "How heavy is this glass of water?", she inquired with a smile.
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz
....
She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... pick them up tomorrow.
Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment. Relax, pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it and the now 'supposed' stress that you've conquered!"
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I think that just like holding that glass of water, we get used to the weight over time and it becomes normal to stand there holding a glass of water… or a tray of water glasses… eventually I think we look up and realize we’re juggling gallons of water without breaking a sweat as though that were normal and expected.
So many people trivialize what we do, I mean, duh, anyone can hold a glass of water or even bring in a couple of jugs of water from the car after doing the shopping. What they don’t realize is that we’re not putting the water down. We hold it in the middle of the night when it’s screaming. We fix it if it spills or breaks (yesterday, I had to bring clean clothes to my 16 yo when she had a potty accident at school). We stand there and hold it while we’re being screamed and cursed at or even beaten.
Most of these people who trivialize are focused on only one glass and don’t even notice our juggling act. Worse, they often start critiquing us. Still others just say, wow, I couldn’t do that, put us on a pedestal… and walk away.
I have found that it’s ME who tends to add water, no one else. Yes, I realize that I didn’t know what I was getting myself into when I first picked up that glass (or glasses), but now it feels like I can never put them down. Thanks for the reminder that we can put the glass down, or even just hand it to someone else who “gets it” for a short period of time.
That’s why I love being part of this community. All of you understand that this is HARD, and even if you aren’t able to lighten my load, just having someone who really understands because they’ve carried a similar load, makes a huge difference. So THANKS for the reminder fellow trauma mama, and thanks to everyone else who read on while I beat this metaphor to death!
So many people trivialize what we do, I mean, duh, anyone can hold a glass of water or even bring in a couple of jugs of water from the car after doing the shopping. What they don’t realize is that we’re not putting the water down. We hold it in the middle of the night when it’s screaming. We fix it if it spills or breaks (yesterday, I had to bring clean clothes to my 16 yo when she had a potty accident at school). We stand there and hold it while we’re being screamed and cursed at or even beaten.
Most of these people who trivialize are focused on only one glass and don’t even notice our juggling act. Worse, they often start critiquing us. Still others just say, wow, I couldn’t do that, put us on a pedestal… and walk away.
I have found that it’s ME who tends to add water, no one else. Yes, I realize that I didn’t know what I was getting myself into when I first picked up that glass (or glasses), but now it feels like I can never put them down. Thanks for the reminder that we can put the glass down, or even just hand it to someone else who “gets it” for a short period of time.
That’s why I love being part of this community. All of you understand that this is HARD, and even if you aren’t able to lighten my load, just having someone who really understands because they’ve carried a similar load, makes a huge difference. So THANKS for the reminder fellow trauma mama, and thanks to everyone else who read on while I beat this metaphor to death!
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1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. (I TOTALLY DISAGREE WITH THIS ONE! I THINK WE SHOULD READ WHATEVER WE WANT. WE DESERVE TO ESCAPE FROM REALITY SOMETIMES. SO PUT DOWN THAT BOOK ABOUT YOUR CHILD'S DIAGNOSIS, THE SELF-HELP BOOK, OR THAT BOOK FROM OPRAH'S BOOK CLUB THAT YOU "SHOULD" READ AND PICK UP A TRASHY ROMANCE NOVEL THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH REAL LIFE - I recommend Katie MacAlister books because they're sexy and funny at the same time.)
4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8 * Never buy a car you can't push.
9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.
13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
15 * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.
20 * It was me, your friend!*
Save the earth ... it's the only planet with chocolate!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Kitty meltdowns
Ok, Kitty’s meltdowns are getting more intense and the “flipping a switch” thing really freaks me out. I would be ecstatic if I thought it were her getting more control over her emotions, but it feels more like dissociation. After she’s flipped the switch, she usually can’t even tell you what happened, let alone what she was upset about.
The somatic illnesses are already interfering with school. I’ve taken her home from school twice and finally told her that she would have to stay even though she didn’t feel well. She’s called me almost daily from a classroom, but isn’t going to the nurse anymore. I did talk to the guidance counselor about learning the calming techniques from the Skills Trainer, and she knew Kitty might come to her, but knew nothing about Skills Trainer (I gave her the contact info).
Kitty's still not sleeping well. I don’t think she gets quite as little sleep as she claims (1-2 hours a night), but she’s definitely not getting a full 8 hours. I’ve been working with the new psychiatrist to adjust her sleep meds, but the new pdoc is not comfortable making a lot of changes since she doesn’t really know Kitty. The last time I spoke to her we discussed increasing the Traz*done (in low doses is used for sleep, but in higher doses like Kitty is taking it is used as an anti-depressant) from 300mg to 350 or even 400mg, but she suggested we try 2mg of Melat*nin since we haven’t used it in awhile. We tried up to 6mg of Melat*nin with no effect at all. I contacted the pdoc, but she had changed her mind about increasing the Traz*done, and honestly I’m starting to wonder if the Traz*done isn’t triggering mania – which could cause the lack of sleep and increase in meltdowns.
Yesterday Kitty was told that we’d decided she wasn’t ready for a cell phone (the day before we had gone to the phone store and told her we were considering it for all the kids because Bob and Ponito are getting to the point where they need one because of all their extra-curricular activities). She had the expected meltdown - wailed and cried, whined and moaned, got verbally abusive, ran out of the room…. but Hubby followed her and was able to get her calmed down enough to get in the car (we were at Grandma’s and we needed to go home). In the car she began biting her arm (she claimed she was removing dead skin with her teeth because her nails were too sharp) and sucking on her finger, she was a little verbally nasty, but no one would engage.
Then we got home, she wanted to get on the computer but was told she had to finish chores first. She started screaming and crying and saying her chores were unfair (2 weeks ago she’d demanded “sixteen year old chores” so she could have more teen privileges – like watching PG-13 movies. I’d assigned her the main bathroom and the kitchen, including a couple of loads of dishes). She said some rude things and went to her room.
The somatic illnesses are already interfering with school. I’ve taken her home from school twice and finally told her that she would have to stay even though she didn’t feel well. She’s called me almost daily from a classroom, but isn’t going to the nurse anymore. I did talk to the guidance counselor about learning the calming techniques from the Skills Trainer, and she knew Kitty might come to her, but knew nothing about Skills Trainer (I gave her the contact info).
Kitty's still not sleeping well. I don’t think she gets quite as little sleep as she claims (1-2 hours a night), but she’s definitely not getting a full 8 hours. I’ve been working with the new psychiatrist to adjust her sleep meds, but the new pdoc is not comfortable making a lot of changes since she doesn’t really know Kitty. The last time I spoke to her we discussed increasing the Traz*done (in low doses is used for sleep, but in higher doses like Kitty is taking it is used as an anti-depressant) from 300mg to 350 or even 400mg, but she suggested we try 2mg of Melat*nin since we haven’t used it in awhile. We tried up to 6mg of Melat*nin with no effect at all. I contacted the pdoc, but she had changed her mind about increasing the Traz*done, and honestly I’m starting to wonder if the Traz*done isn’t triggering mania – which could cause the lack of sleep and increase in meltdowns.
Yesterday Kitty was told that we’d decided she wasn’t ready for a cell phone (the day before we had gone to the phone store and told her we were considering it for all the kids because Bob and Ponito are getting to the point where they need one because of all their extra-curricular activities). She had the expected meltdown - wailed and cried, whined and moaned, got verbally abusive, ran out of the room…. but Hubby followed her and was able to get her calmed down enough to get in the car (we were at Grandma’s and we needed to go home). In the car she began biting her arm (she claimed she was removing dead skin with her teeth because her nails were too sharp) and sucking on her finger, she was a little verbally nasty, but no one would engage.
Then we got home, she wanted to get on the computer but was told she had to finish chores first. She started screaming and crying and saying her chores were unfair (2 weeks ago she’d demanded “sixteen year old chores” so she could have more teen privileges – like watching PG-13 movies. I’d assigned her the main bathroom and the kitchen, including a couple of loads of dishes). She said some rude things and went to her room.
A few minutes later she’d “flipped the switch” and tried to apologize to Hubby. Hubby told her he did not accept her apology because he was tired of her having a meltdown and then acting like her behavior didn’t matter and all was forgotten… especially since she was just going to repeat it. Not accepting her apology is apparently a trauma trigger for Kitty. Apparently it’s something that Kitty’s foster mom did to her on occasion. Kitty flipped and ran outside. Hubby followed and tried to calm her, but had to leave to take everyone to Ponito’s soccer game. Kitty and I were going to an adoption group social gathering about 20 minutes later.
Kitty came to the back door and seemed calm, but a minute later she was storming out the backyard side gate. I went to the front door to see what was going on and she told me that Hubby had locked her out of the house so she was running away. I called her back and talked to her about the fact that the back door sticks all the time, and Daddy wouldn’t do that on purpose. Unfortunately when we checked, Hubby HAD apparently automatically locked the door. I got her regulated enough to keep her from running while I called Hubby, but was unable to reach him. She requested to talk to her skills trainer, and I agreed, but asked her to wait while I tried to reach Hubby once more and we had gotten in the car to leave for the meeting.
Kitty came to the back door and seemed calm, but a minute later she was storming out the backyard side gate. I went to the front door to see what was going on and she told me that Hubby had locked her out of the house so she was running away. I called her back and talked to her about the fact that the back door sticks all the time, and Daddy wouldn’t do that on purpose. Unfortunately when we checked, Hubby HAD apparently automatically locked the door. I got her regulated enough to keep her from running while I called Hubby, but was unable to reach him. She requested to talk to her skills trainer, and I agreed, but asked her to wait while I tried to reach Hubby once more and we had gotten in the car to leave for the meeting.
I was worried that if I hadn’t talked to Hubby yet, that she’d use that as an excuse to escalate during the conversation with the skills trainer who advocates that we treat Kitty more like a "typical teen" which makes Kitty feel justified in her entitlement. She returned a couple of videos for me, and while she was out of the car I tried calling Hubby one more time but still couldn’t reach him. I told her she could call call the skills trainer, but she’d flipped the switch and didn’t want to anymore.
She had a great time at the meeting, playing with all the little kids. Tears gone, no one had a clue that I’d been considering driving straight to the psych hospital instead of the meeting. On the way home she started making threats again (“If we’re having leftovers for dinner, then I’m going to scream! I’d rather starve.”), but since she’d eaten quite a bit at the meeting I wasn’t too worried.
We got home and she demanded to get on the computer again, and I reminded her she still had chores to do. She made a small attempt, but when she told me she was done, without getting up, I listed some of the things I suspected she hadn’t done. She hadn’t. A few minutes later she demanded I check. When I went to check she hadn’t finished the job (still food on the counters she was supposed to wipe, the cleaning supplies were still out, there were still items on the counter she’d already been reminded to put away…).
She had a great time at the meeting, playing with all the little kids. Tears gone, no one had a clue that I’d been considering driving straight to the psych hospital instead of the meeting. On the way home she started making threats again (“If we’re having leftovers for dinner, then I’m going to scream! I’d rather starve.”), but since she’d eaten quite a bit at the meeting I wasn’t too worried.
We got home and she demanded to get on the computer again, and I reminded her she still had chores to do. She made a small attempt, but when she told me she was done, without getting up, I listed some of the things I suspected she hadn’t done. She hadn’t. A few minutes later she demanded I check. When I went to check she hadn’t finished the job (still food on the counters she was supposed to wipe, the cleaning supplies were still out, there were still items on the counter she’d already been reminded to put away…).
A few minutes later she demanded I come check her chores again, but I told her I was eating, and she would have to wait). When I was ready I checked again and she STILL hadn’t completed the few tasks I’d given her – when I commented on the rags and pitchers that were still out, she said, she “forgot.” I left the room again (staying in the room usually causes her to feel nagged and escalate). A few minutes later, she insisted she was done and demanded I check. This time I told her I was busy and quite frankly tired of being a therapeutic parent at the moment.
She went into a dark room and pouted for about 10 minutes. It was after 8pm at this point (bedtime is 9pm) so I told her she could take her meds and get in the shower or take her meds and go to bed (since she hasn’t slept much she could go to bed early). She started insisting she was hungry, but I reminded her she’d eaten a lot at the meeting and said she wasn’t hungry (we’ve been talking a lot about emotional eating). She wasn’t happy, but she decided to go to bed. This morning she hugged me and went off to school as though nothing had happened.
I checked the chores after she went to bed and they still weren’t done well. *sigh* I’m NOT a super picky person y’all. We’re talking food spills, used utensils and dishes still on the counters, items I’d specifically reminded her needed to be put away still out…
She has an appointment Wednesday with the new pdoc. Don't even know what to ask for.
She went into a dark room and pouted for about 10 minutes. It was after 8pm at this point (bedtime is 9pm) so I told her she could take her meds and get in the shower or take her meds and go to bed (since she hasn’t slept much she could go to bed early). She started insisting she was hungry, but I reminded her she’d eaten a lot at the meeting and said she wasn’t hungry (we’ve been talking a lot about emotional eating). She wasn’t happy, but she decided to go to bed. This morning she hugged me and went off to school as though nothing had happened.
I checked the chores after she went to bed and they still weren’t done well. *sigh* I’m NOT a super picky person y’all. We’re talking food spills, used utensils and dishes still on the counters, items I’d specifically reminded her needed to be put away still out…
She has an appointment Wednesday with the new pdoc. Don't even know what to ask for.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Exhausted
I'm still not sleeping (not in bed before 3 am in forever). I thought I'd narrowed down what I was allergic to to my laundry detergent, but it's 3 weeks later and the itchy rash is still there. Since now it's mostly my scalp, neck and pointer fingers, I'm going to assume it's my shampoo, even though I've been using the same shampoo/conditioner for forever. Maybe they reformulated.
We're still in no danger from the fires, but you can definitely smell the smoke and all of us are suffering from allergies (it's allergy season anyway). Kitty especially has been miserable (she hasn't been eating allergy cookies!). I told her earlier this week that unless she has a fever, rash or vomiting (or the equvalent) then she can rest, but she'll need to go back to class. We were in danger of truancy at the rate she was going.
... so of course Bob called me the next morning and asked to come home from school. Honestly I think it had more to do with some homework she hadn't completed, and all the tests she had that day (she said she was ready for the tests, but since she didn't feel good she was afraid it might cause her to lose concentration and not do well). I debated, but finally decided that Bob NEVER does this and she won't take advantage of it (unlike some of the other kids -if you give them an inch they demand a mile), so I brought her home.
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We're still in no danger from the fires, but you can definitely smell the smoke and all of us are suffering from allergies (it's allergy season anyway). Kitty especially has been miserable (she hasn't been eating allergy cookies!). I told her earlier this week that unless she has a fever, rash or vomiting (or the equvalent) then she can rest, but she'll need to go back to class. We were in danger of truancy at the rate she was going.
... so of course Bob called me the next morning and asked to come home from school. Honestly I think it had more to do with some homework she hadn't completed, and all the tests she had that day (she said she was ready for the tests, but since she didn't feel good she was afraid it might cause her to lose concentration and not do well). I debated, but finally decided that Bob NEVER does this and she won't take advantage of it (unlike some of the other kids -if you give them an inch they demand a mile), so I brought her home.
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Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Bear's IEP
Bear is only at the special school for his first period class each day. We had an ARD this morning and they decided to keep his schedule as is (Special Ed - English, Government, Reading and Speech, a PE that's mostly field trips, and Vocational classes - Metal working, Small Animal Management and Auto Shop) since it seems to be classes he'll benefit from, but quite honestly we believe the main reason was because they ran out of time. The teachers all had to get back to their classrooms (the team had to take a lot of time walking Bear through all the paperwork requesting a new FIE (full school evaluation including IQ, academics, and behavior} and IEP meeting procedures because he’s an "adult" now). I think Bear knows he needs the structure too (he even asked if he could continue with ISS or have to sit with the FOCUS staff/ principal at lunch daily!). He’ll be in ISS {In-School Suspension} until the “investigation is complete” which means through Wednesday at least.
FYI, Bear did advocate for himself. He stated that his Applied Government class was too easy and since history was his best subject, he requested to go into regular ed with inclusion. Everyone politely told him that he doesn’t have the skills needed that all seniors have developed over the last 4 years (analytical writing and note taking were but two examples given). It was suggested that the school will request that his current teacher “step it up a notch.” Bear disagrees that he's behind and thinks he can do it. I reminded him of what they said, then just backed off.
Bear reads and writes on a 5th grade level at best. He doesn’t have math or science classes this year because he's met all the requirements. He agreed to the FIE testing, even after he was told it wasn’t required until December 2012, because he was told it might help him with getting services and getting into college. Somehow he did manage to pass all the standardized state testing last year (we didn’t see his scores)?
Bear basically said at the IEP meeting that this behavior “wouldn’t happen again,” but he’s said that a thousand times before. Bear’s school case manager (and former teacher) said Bear has lied so many times he doesn’t believe him anymore, but he’d go along with the IEP team’s decision. Bear’s regular ed teacher (the last period class that Bear missed because of the car accident) said of the 4 times Bear was supposed to come to class he’s only made it for the whole class once, and even during that class he was asking to go call Hubby because he was trying to arrange things before the football game (he lied and said Hubby had called him). The teacher said if Bear wants to continue in his class, auto mechanics, then he has to show up on time every day and stay the whole period. Hubby and I agree that based on what everyone is saying, that if we’d had even 20 more minutes, Bear would probably be back at the special school half time like last year.
Honestly I don’t believe this schedule is in Bear’s best interest, but at this time I’m also looking at what in the world is going to happen to Bear when the school mascot team/football stuff is over and we lose our leverage on him running away (Hubby said if he doesn’t live with us then he’s off the team). Hubby thinks he’ll just move out and drop out of school.
Quite frankly I’m terrified at what’s going to become of Bear. He can’t hold a job (he gets bored and scared so he acts out). He’s not bright enough to go to community college and probably not to technical school either. He’s unable to accept the structure and family support we know he needs. I think we need to have him assessed for a group home, but don’t know what the criteria would be or how to go about it. We’ve looked at legal guardianship in the past, but I doubt his psychiatrist has changed his mind about wanting Bear to “fall on his face” first, and honestly if we’d had legal guardianship than this whole car thing could become a financial nightmare. I think Bear needs to be court mandated that he has to be on meds, but in reality, most of what’s been going on has been while he’s ON his meds!
We have started him on the Conc*rta and it didn’t seem to cause the scary side effects that the non stimulant ADD meds did (vomiting/diarrhea, facial tics, uncontrollable body movements, acting as though he were on speed…). He did seem a little more jittery than usual, but honestly that could have been purely circumstantial. It’s not like he’s not under a lot of stress! I’m still hearing the slurred speech on occasion too (he claimed the morning of the IEP meeting that it was because he had a dry mouth).
So that's where we're at with Bear. For now we're kind of ignoring what happened, although last night he wanted to go to an FFA meeting and Hubby was working (gotta make up for the time spent at the school), and I needed to supervise everyone and make dinner. He said something about not being able to get a ride, so I didn't have to remind him that we don't allow our kids to ride with people under 21 (did remind Hubby). He asked what I was going to do about it, and I reminded him that not only did I have other stuff to do, but he's on in-school suspension so I don't think he's supposed to be going to school activities, especially not unsupervised.
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Got a call from the parents of the girl whose car Bear wrecked. They want us to pay their $500 deductible. Which is actually pretty reasonable, but they want the money now, and they want it from Hubby and I (since Bear is a dependent they believe we're legally responsible. Need to call Pre-paid Legal and check that. *sigh*). We don't have the money to pay it, or the tickets either.
Bear insists he can get a job at the local grocery store near his school. I told him he needs to find a job near his home and he tried to say that no one was hiring (then he claimed that the only job the local grocery store was offering was a shift that ended at 4am). Truth is he wants an excuse to not have to come home on the bus and he thinks he and a friend are getting an apartment near the school.
FYI, Bear did advocate for himself. He stated that his Applied Government class was too easy and since history was his best subject, he requested to go into regular ed with inclusion. Everyone politely told him that he doesn’t have the skills needed that all seniors have developed over the last 4 years (analytical writing and note taking were but two examples given). It was suggested that the school will request that his current teacher “step it up a notch.” Bear disagrees that he's behind and thinks he can do it. I reminded him of what they said, then just backed off.
Bear reads and writes on a 5th grade level at best. He doesn’t have math or science classes this year because he's met all the requirements. He agreed to the FIE testing, even after he was told it wasn’t required until December 2012, because he was told it might help him with getting services and getting into college. Somehow he did manage to pass all the standardized state testing last year (we didn’t see his scores)?
Bear basically said at the IEP meeting that this behavior “wouldn’t happen again,” but he’s said that a thousand times before. Bear’s school case manager (and former teacher) said Bear has lied so many times he doesn’t believe him anymore, but he’d go along with the IEP team’s decision. Bear’s regular ed teacher (the last period class that Bear missed because of the car accident) said of the 4 times Bear was supposed to come to class he’s only made it for the whole class once, and even during that class he was asking to go call Hubby because he was trying to arrange things before the football game (he lied and said Hubby had called him). The teacher said if Bear wants to continue in his class, auto mechanics, then he has to show up on time every day and stay the whole period. Hubby and I agree that based on what everyone is saying, that if we’d had even 20 more minutes, Bear would probably be back at the special school half time like last year.
Honestly I don’t believe this schedule is in Bear’s best interest, but at this time I’m also looking at what in the world is going to happen to Bear when the school mascot team/football stuff is over and we lose our leverage on him running away (Hubby said if he doesn’t live with us then he’s off the team). Hubby thinks he’ll just move out and drop out of school.
Quite frankly I’m terrified at what’s going to become of Bear. He can’t hold a job (he gets bored and scared so he acts out). He’s not bright enough to go to community college and probably not to technical school either. He’s unable to accept the structure and family support we know he needs. I think we need to have him assessed for a group home, but don’t know what the criteria would be or how to go about it. We’ve looked at legal guardianship in the past, but I doubt his psychiatrist has changed his mind about wanting Bear to “fall on his face” first, and honestly if we’d had legal guardianship than this whole car thing could become a financial nightmare. I think Bear needs to be court mandated that he has to be on meds, but in reality, most of what’s been going on has been while he’s ON his meds!
We have started him on the Conc*rta and it didn’t seem to cause the scary side effects that the non stimulant ADD meds did (vomiting/diarrhea, facial tics, uncontrollable body movements, acting as though he were on speed…). He did seem a little more jittery than usual, but honestly that could have been purely circumstantial. It’s not like he’s not under a lot of stress! I’m still hearing the slurred speech on occasion too (he claimed the morning of the IEP meeting that it was because he had a dry mouth).
So that's where we're at with Bear. For now we're kind of ignoring what happened, although last night he wanted to go to an FFA meeting and Hubby was working (gotta make up for the time spent at the school), and I needed to supervise everyone and make dinner. He said something about not being able to get a ride, so I didn't have to remind him that we don't allow our kids to ride with people under 21 (did remind Hubby). He asked what I was going to do about it, and I reminded him that not only did I have other stuff to do, but he's on in-school suspension so I don't think he's supposed to be going to school activities, especially not unsupervised.
*******************************************
Got a call from the parents of the girl whose car Bear wrecked. They want us to pay their $500 deductible. Which is actually pretty reasonable, but they want the money now, and they want it from Hubby and I (since Bear is a dependent they believe we're legally responsible. Need to call Pre-paid Legal and check that. *sigh*). We don't have the money to pay it, or the tickets either.
Bear insists he can get a job at the local grocery store near his school. I told him he needs to find a job near his home and he tried to say that no one was hiring (then he claimed that the only job the local grocery store was offering was a shift that ended at 4am). Truth is he wants an excuse to not have to come home on the bus and he thinks he and a friend are getting an apartment near the school.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Kitty's IEP meeting
As expected, we didn’t get Kitty into the special school, yet. They tried to claim that she was “obviously back to normal,” by pointing to her bright affect compared to “Puddle” of last year. Hubby said he wished to make note that we completely disagree with that statement. As soon as he started talking, Kitty just sagged (laid her head down and looked like she was going to cry). Her school case manager stopped the conversation and asked if it was OK to have Kitty wait in the lobby until we were ready to talk about her schedule. We all agreed (I know I was relieved!) so she stepped out with the MHMR case manager, who is a useless lump anyway (nice lady I’m sure, but has nothing to contribute).
{I talked to Kitty on the way home about why she got upset and she said she felt criticized by Hubby. I reminded her that she doesn’t want to be in regular ed with inclusion help, and we were just trying to let the school know that she still needs the support of Applied classes (smaller class that teach only "core" material). That she HAS come a long way, but we know she agrees that she’s not ready to jump right in to regular ed. I explained that we do still believe she would do better at the special school, but as that’s not an option right now, we would make sure she was getting what she needs. I can’t tell if she felt better, or just flipped the switch, and shut the feelings off.}
Basically the school put her in all Applied core classes (special ed). Her electives are small too. She’s in a Leadership class which has only 13 kids instead of PE. She’s in Reading 180 which is general ed, but smaller and highly personalized. We’re on record as letting them know that is not enough. She’s signed up for testing - FIE, FBA, and counseling… without which she can’t get any more services. They’re supposed to start the testing this coming week.
We do have a new “Crisis plan” – that basically says if Kitty’s not feeling well then she’ll request the school behavior staff to come and assess whether or not she should go to the nurse. If she is feeling stressed or overwhelmed then she can request the behavior staff to take her to the guidance counselor who will be trained in calming techniques by Kitty’s skills trainer. Last Friday she’d gone to the nurse (and I ended up taking her home). Tuesday morning (day of the IEP meeting) she went to the nurse with a sore throat. The IEP committee decided it was just stress from being in the wrong classes (she had 2 regular ed classes with inclusion help and some larger classes, like PE).
So we changed all her classes on Tuesday, but on Thursday she went to the nurse because she was tired, and I ended up taking her home. She hasn’t slept well in weeks. Will be talking to the school about the fact that the “Crisis plan” doesn’t go far enough. Basically she’s exhausted, has a sore throat, or headache… things that behavior staff and the nurse can’t prove or disprove. The nurse lets her rest, but there’s no step in the plan for getting her back to class. We’re right back where we ended the school year, only this time we have no note from the psychiatrist so we’re in danger of truancy.
Her new psychiatrist (met her a week and a half ago is refusing to make any med changes until she has a chance to review Kitty's files and that won’t be until her next appointment. We called her earlier this week and told her that Kitty hasn’t slept in days and she did say we could go up on the Traz*done (anti-depressant/sleep med) after we try putting Kitty back on Melat*nin (over the counter sleep med). Melat*nin didn’t work, but the pdoc hasn’t called in a new prescription for Kitty so we’re out of Traz*done (I hate holiday weekends). I’m kind of afraid to give it to Kitty anyway because she’s showing increasing levels of mania.
I’m starting to wonder if what we thought was ADHD when she’d occasionally miss her morning meds was actually mania, since she’s been off Conc*rta all Summer and we haven’t seen the hyperactivity. Now with the stress of school we’re really starting to see it again. She is chattering nonstop. She is also super sensitive to everything and the meltdowns are increasing. Of course that could be blamed on the lack of sleep, which could also be caused by mania, or of course by stress. Maybe one of her meds has stopped working or isn’t as effective. Something else to talk to the new pdoc about on Tuesday.
{I talked to Kitty on the way home about why she got upset and she said she felt criticized by Hubby. I reminded her that she doesn’t want to be in regular ed with inclusion help, and we were just trying to let the school know that she still needs the support of Applied classes (smaller class that teach only "core" material). That she HAS come a long way, but we know she agrees that she’s not ready to jump right in to regular ed. I explained that we do still believe she would do better at the special school, but as that’s not an option right now, we would make sure she was getting what she needs. I can’t tell if she felt better, or just flipped the switch, and shut the feelings off.}
Basically the school put her in all Applied core classes (special ed). Her electives are small too. She’s in a Leadership class which has only 13 kids instead of PE. She’s in Reading 180 which is general ed, but smaller and highly personalized. We’re on record as letting them know that is not enough. She’s signed up for testing - FIE, FBA, and counseling… without which she can’t get any more services. They’re supposed to start the testing this coming week.
We do have a new “Crisis plan” – that basically says if Kitty’s not feeling well then she’ll request the school behavior staff to come and assess whether or not she should go to the nurse. If she is feeling stressed or overwhelmed then she can request the behavior staff to take her to the guidance counselor who will be trained in calming techniques by Kitty’s skills trainer. Last Friday she’d gone to the nurse (and I ended up taking her home). Tuesday morning (day of the IEP meeting) she went to the nurse with a sore throat. The IEP committee decided it was just stress from being in the wrong classes (she had 2 regular ed classes with inclusion help and some larger classes, like PE).
So we changed all her classes on Tuesday, but on Thursday she went to the nurse because she was tired, and I ended up taking her home. She hasn’t slept well in weeks. Will be talking to the school about the fact that the “Crisis plan” doesn’t go far enough. Basically she’s exhausted, has a sore throat, or headache… things that behavior staff and the nurse can’t prove or disprove. The nurse lets her rest, but there’s no step in the plan for getting her back to class. We’re right back where we ended the school year, only this time we have no note from the psychiatrist so we’re in danger of truancy.
Her new psychiatrist (met her a week and a half ago is refusing to make any med changes until she has a chance to review Kitty's files and that won’t be until her next appointment. We called her earlier this week and told her that Kitty hasn’t slept in days and she did say we could go up on the Traz*done (anti-depressant/sleep med) after we try putting Kitty back on Melat*nin (over the counter sleep med). Melat*nin didn’t work, but the pdoc hasn’t called in a new prescription for Kitty so we’re out of Traz*done (I hate holiday weekends). I’m kind of afraid to give it to Kitty anyway because she’s showing increasing levels of mania.
I’m starting to wonder if what we thought was ADHD when she’d occasionally miss her morning meds was actually mania, since she’s been off Conc*rta all Summer and we haven’t seen the hyperactivity. Now with the stress of school we’re really starting to see it again. She is chattering nonstop. She is also super sensitive to everything and the meltdowns are increasing. Of course that could be blamed on the lack of sleep, which could also be caused by mania, or of course by stress. Maybe one of her meds has stopped working or isn’t as effective. Something else to talk to the new pdoc about on Tuesday.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Bear's joyride
This is my description of what happened. I sent it to Bear's assistant principal at his regular high school, the principal of his special school, his therapist, and the psychiatrist's liaison (he met a new MHMR caseworker just that morning, because he lost his old casemanager/skills trainer when he aged out of the child side of the program. The new caseworker decided he would be placed at the most basic level because he's not homeless, actively suicidal or homicidal or psychotic. So we are not assigned a caseworker, we just get whoever is available if/when we come in. I'd talked to her on the phone (along with a dozen other people) and she wasn't any help.
I was on campus (dropping off paperwork and picking up “sick” Kitty) when around 2:20pm, I saw Bear in the hallway in front of the AP office with a group of kids, one of whom I recognized as a kid Bear claims is a drug dealer {and Kitty finds wildly attractive}. I’m pretty sure Bear saw me, but he ignored me. I went to the nurse’s office and was told Bear hadn’t taken his midday meds (– a mood stabilizer, anti-anxiety/ADD med, and an anti-depressant), and because he was planning on going straight to the game after school {Bear is on a team that drags a 750lb metal mascot around the field every time their team scores. It is approved by the school and has a faculty liaison, but is run by the parent of one of the kids, and the teacher rarely actually supervises}, he couldn’t just take the meds at home if he missed them.
I went out and looked for Bear in the hallway to remind him, but he was gone. The SRO {police officer that is permanently on campus - it's a BIG high school} happened by, and I asked him to send Bear to the nurse if he saw him {How sad is it that on a campus of 3000 kids he knows Bear by sight}. I then asked the nurse to have Bear pulled from class if he didn’t remember to come in (lunch ended at 2:30pm) and left with Kitty.
3pm the nurse called me to say she couldn’t find him and I started calling around the school to see if she’d sent the aide to the wrong class because of his new schedule, but I couldn’t get hold of anyone. About 3:30pm I got a call from Bear saying he’d been in a car accident (he was so upset I couldn’t understand him at first). He had first called Ms. C {neighbor and family friend}, because he hadn’t wanted us to know. She came to the Sonic on near the school, where he’d hit a post and some landscaping with a girl named K’s car. Ms. C apparently talked him into calling me.
The police were already there when he called me (Sonic manager called them). Bear does not have a driver's permit or a license, and therefore is not on our insurance. He told the police he did not have any photo id, but eventually got out his Texas ID card and his school ID. When the police officer confronted him, he claimed he forgot he had it. He did receive a ticket for driving without a license. There were no other legal consequences because this happened on private property.
Within minutes of talking to me, he started yelling that he was going to the game (he brought it up and was already yelling at me before I even agreed with him that it was probably not going to be an option), and that he was never coming home again.
Ms. C and I both spent quite a bit of time trying to calm him down and explaining that running away wasn’t going to solve anything and he needed to come home. He mentioned going to live with one of his teammates. I told him he had to take his meds (he knows quitting cold turkey could kill him) and I couldn’t in good conscience give them to this kid (administration of his many meds is incredibly complex and lately Bear has shown a tendency to take them or not take them any way he wants – I found over 40 tabs of his anti-depressant/sleep med in his room this weekend and several doses of his other meds – one of the reasons he ran away). He then said something about going back to stay with the family of a girl in the neighborhood again (she lives across the street from Ms. C who I do trust with his meds because of her own kids’ meds, and who had been administering his meds when he ran away at the beginning of this week). Hubby said the police officer reprimanded him for being verbally abusive on the phone.
I called Hubby and he headed over there. The police took the names of the students in the car with Bear and took them back to school. Bear apparently texted his last period teacher to tell him he’d be late because he’d been in an accident.
The girl Bear borrowed the car from, came over after school ended. Originally she told the police that she’d only given Bear the keys to get something out of the car. She later confessed to the police (out of earshot of her mom) that she’d loaned him the car. Apparently not only is this not the first time Bear has driven someone else’s car off campus, but it wasn’t even the first time that day?! The girl’s mom arrived and was apparently VERY IRATE. This family is a very close neighbor. Bear dated and dumped the girl's sister, who then “stalked him and threatened him.” I talked to the mom once when Bear started dating the sister and once when she came over to retrieve the girl’s phone that Bear had “borrowed.” We are not her favorite people. Her fiancé was there as well and is a former manager of Hubby’s. *sigh*
Hubby informed the mom that Bear is 18 now and this is his problem. The damage to the car will most likely be covered by their insurance. Hubby says the Sonic manager just wanted Bear to leave, so maybe there won’t be financial consequences there.
Bear had money for food at Sonic and on his person that we don’t know where it came from. As of Sunday he was broke. Little nervous about where he got the money.
Hubby decided to allow Bear to go to the football game. While waiting for the game to start, they talked about relationships and running away. Bear believes we should be royally pissed at him (we’re not), and this terrifies him and he cares what we think, so he is running away.
Hubby had told Bear that if he left home we would take him off the mascot team. Bear had already contacted the dad of the Ms. C's neighbors that he wanted to stay with, for a ride to the game (I thanked him when he showed up at our house and sent him off).
All his teammates told Bear he'd made a bad choice and is jeopardizing his spot on the team, but after making him sit out for 2 scores they let him participate (they were short handed).
Bear threw up at Sonic and after the game. He has told me that he frequently does this when he’s overheated and stressed (he was both). He told the school's assistant principal (Mr. AP) that he threw up at Sonic because he'd been dipping and drunk a milkshake (then realized he'd just confessed to dipping again and tried to retract it).
At game, Bear disappeared at halftime and when Hubby found him he was talking to the drug dealing kid who had been in the car. Mr. AP had a chance to briefly talk to Bear at the game.
We’d met with the psychiatrist that morning. He basically told Bear that he needs to continue to take the anti-depressant/mood stabilizer, but he can drop to 1 ½ tabs if it’s making him groggy. Bear took two tabs with his other meds last night at 10pm when he got home. Hubby woke him up at 8am, but he went back to sleep. I woke him up again 5 minutes before his bus was due (8:30am), and he got his meds and made it on the bus. He never did get his midday meds yesterday.
We’re not sure what to do because Bear is obviously not prepared for getting a job and living on his own in less than 9 months. Pulling him out of the vocational classes {to put him in the special school longer each day} seems counterproductive toward that goal, but at the same time he obviously needs more supervision. Most of his problems seem to be focused around lunch hour, so possibly ISS {In-School Suspension} or shifting his schedule so that he is at the special school over the lunch period? Maybe being at the special school in the afternoon on A days so he can keep the vocational metal working class? We’re leaving this up to you guys to work this out. We’ll keep you posted and see you at the IEP meeting on Tuesday! Good luck!
*********************************************************
Hubby and I had a long discussion about consequences. Hubby suggested he write out all the laws he'd broken, and what could have happened (if he'd hit another car or a person for example). I thought about it and felt that if WE give Bear consequences then Bear will focus on US being "mean" to him, rather than taking ownership of his actions and being accountable. I'm thinking a "Love and Logic" approach might work well for us here. Empathy: "Wow, that really sucks!" and Accountability: "So what are you going to do about it?"
Plus, the list is already pretty extensive as to what his consequences will be.
Bear's natural consequences so far:
I was on campus (dropping off paperwork and picking up “sick” Kitty) when around 2:20pm, I saw Bear in the hallway in front of the AP office with a group of kids, one of whom I recognized as a kid Bear claims is a drug dealer {and Kitty finds wildly attractive}. I’m pretty sure Bear saw me, but he ignored me. I went to the nurse’s office and was told Bear hadn’t taken his midday meds (– a mood stabilizer, anti-anxiety/ADD med, and an anti-depressant), and because he was planning on going straight to the game after school {Bear is on a team that drags a 750lb metal mascot around the field every time their team scores. It is approved by the school and has a faculty liaison, but is run by the parent of one of the kids, and the teacher rarely actually supervises}, he couldn’t just take the meds at home if he missed them.
I went out and looked for Bear in the hallway to remind him, but he was gone. The SRO {police officer that is permanently on campus - it's a BIG high school} happened by, and I asked him to send Bear to the nurse if he saw him {How sad is it that on a campus of 3000 kids he knows Bear by sight}. I then asked the nurse to have Bear pulled from class if he didn’t remember to come in (lunch ended at 2:30pm) and left with Kitty.
3pm the nurse called me to say she couldn’t find him and I started calling around the school to see if she’d sent the aide to the wrong class because of his new schedule, but I couldn’t get hold of anyone. About 3:30pm I got a call from Bear saying he’d been in a car accident (he was so upset I couldn’t understand him at first). He had first called Ms. C {neighbor and family friend}, because he hadn’t wanted us to know. She came to the Sonic on near the school, where he’d hit a post and some landscaping with a girl named K’s car. Ms. C apparently talked him into calling me.
The police were already there when he called me (Sonic manager called them). Bear does not have a driver's permit or a license, and therefore is not on our insurance. He told the police he did not have any photo id, but eventually got out his Texas ID card and his school ID. When the police officer confronted him, he claimed he forgot he had it. He did receive a ticket for driving without a license. There were no other legal consequences because this happened on private property.
Within minutes of talking to me, he started yelling that he was going to the game (he brought it up and was already yelling at me before I even agreed with him that it was probably not going to be an option), and that he was never coming home again.
Ms. C and I both spent quite a bit of time trying to calm him down and explaining that running away wasn’t going to solve anything and he needed to come home. He mentioned going to live with one of his teammates. I told him he had to take his meds (he knows quitting cold turkey could kill him) and I couldn’t in good conscience give them to this kid (administration of his many meds is incredibly complex and lately Bear has shown a tendency to take them or not take them any way he wants – I found over 40 tabs of his anti-depressant/sleep med in his room this weekend and several doses of his other meds – one of the reasons he ran away). He then said something about going back to stay with the family of a girl in the neighborhood again (she lives across the street from Ms. C who I do trust with his meds because of her own kids’ meds, and who had been administering his meds when he ran away at the beginning of this week). Hubby said the police officer reprimanded him for being verbally abusive on the phone.
I called Hubby and he headed over there. The police took the names of the students in the car with Bear and took them back to school. Bear apparently texted his last period teacher to tell him he’d be late because he’d been in an accident.
The girl Bear borrowed the car from, came over after school ended. Originally she told the police that she’d only given Bear the keys to get something out of the car. She later confessed to the police (out of earshot of her mom) that she’d loaned him the car. Apparently not only is this not the first time Bear has driven someone else’s car off campus, but it wasn’t even the first time that day?! The girl’s mom arrived and was apparently VERY IRATE. This family is a very close neighbor. Bear dated and dumped the girl's sister, who then “stalked him and threatened him.” I talked to the mom once when Bear started dating the sister and once when she came over to retrieve the girl’s phone that Bear had “borrowed.” We are not her favorite people. Her fiancé was there as well and is a former manager of Hubby’s. *sigh*
Hubby informed the mom that Bear is 18 now and this is his problem. The damage to the car will most likely be covered by their insurance. Hubby says the Sonic manager just wanted Bear to leave, so maybe there won’t be financial consequences there.
Bear had money for food at Sonic and on his person that we don’t know where it came from. As of Sunday he was broke. Little nervous about where he got the money.
Hubby decided to allow Bear to go to the football game. While waiting for the game to start, they talked about relationships and running away. Bear believes we should be royally pissed at him (we’re not), and this terrifies him and he cares what we think, so he is running away.
Hubby had told Bear that if he left home we would take him off the mascot team. Bear had already contacted the dad of the Ms. C's neighbors that he wanted to stay with, for a ride to the game (I thanked him when he showed up at our house and sent him off).
All his teammates told Bear he'd made a bad choice and is jeopardizing his spot on the team, but after making him sit out for 2 scores they let him participate (they were short handed).
Bear threw up at Sonic and after the game. He has told me that he frequently does this when he’s overheated and stressed (he was both). He told the school's assistant principal (Mr. AP) that he threw up at Sonic because he'd been dipping and drunk a milkshake (then realized he'd just confessed to dipping again and tried to retract it).
At game, Bear disappeared at halftime and when Hubby found him he was talking to the drug dealing kid who had been in the car. Mr. AP had a chance to briefly talk to Bear at the game.
We’d met with the psychiatrist that morning. He basically told Bear that he needs to continue to take the anti-depressant/mood stabilizer, but he can drop to 1 ½ tabs if it’s making him groggy. Bear took two tabs with his other meds last night at 10pm when he got home. Hubby woke him up at 8am, but he went back to sleep. I woke him up again 5 minutes before his bus was due (8:30am), and he got his meds and made it on the bus. He never did get his midday meds yesterday.
We’re not sure what to do because Bear is obviously not prepared for getting a job and living on his own in less than 9 months. Pulling him out of the vocational classes {to put him in the special school longer each day} seems counterproductive toward that goal, but at the same time he obviously needs more supervision. Most of his problems seem to be focused around lunch hour, so possibly ISS {In-School Suspension} or shifting his schedule so that he is at the special school over the lunch period? Maybe being at the special school in the afternoon on A days so he can keep the vocational metal working class? We’re leaving this up to you guys to work this out. We’ll keep you posted and see you at the IEP meeting on Tuesday! Good luck!
*********************************************************
Hubby and I had a long discussion about consequences. Hubby suggested he write out all the laws he'd broken, and what could have happened (if he'd hit another car or a person for example). I thought about it and felt that if WE give Bear consequences then Bear will focus on US being "mean" to him, rather than taking ownership of his actions and being accountable. I'm thinking a "Love and Logic" approach might work well for us here. Empathy: "Wow, that really sucks!" and Accountability: "So what are you going to do about it?"
Plus, the list is already pretty extensive as to what his consequences will be.
Bear's natural consequences so far:
- Ticket for driving without a license - fines, and could delay getting his license- if he ever can.
- Trouble with his teammates, and possibly being kicked off the team.
- Teammates aware that him as a possible roommate is not a good choice.
- Ticket for "Disruption of Class" - just found out that Bear and another girl, entered the classroom of the car owner to get the keys to the car and "persuaded" her to give them the keys. The SRO decided to give them both a citation.
- ISS - In-School Suspension while at the regular ed school while Mr. AP investigates, which could take several days as he has many other duties, including attending IEP meetings!
- Sonic and the girl's family might decide to sue for damages. Harder with the girl, since she confessed to letting Bear drive the car (not just on this occasion), but if he didn't tell her he doesn't even have a learner's permit she might have a case.
- Possibly going back to special school for more classes, which means he'll most likely lose his vocational classes which he enjoys.
- Suspension of his Senior privileges (which includes going off campus for lunch).
- Loss of trust with his parents, siblings, LOTS of people - fewer unsupervised activities.
************************************************************
Mr. AP let me know that he's still continuing his investigation, but he did find some new facts.
- Bear let it slip that he's been dipping again. He claimed he threw up at Sonic because of the dipping and drinking a milkshake, instead of the heat and stress.
- He also confessed to leaving campus with the girl on Tuesday and Wednesday and driving to McD's. Even though the girl was with him, he drove both times.
- He did leave campus twice that day, and was seriously late to one of his classes (possibly absent, but the teacher hasn't turned in attendance yet).
- Bear seems to be contrite and "get" that what he did was wrong. Mr. AP acknowledged that while Bear knew he needed to think twice (or 4 times) before he acted, that in reality, Bear doesn't seem capable of even stopping to think ONCE. *sigh*
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