Biokids with Adopted Siblings

See Also - Parenting Biokids and Adopted Kids Together

I rarely blog about my adopted children on here any more. Mostly because Kitty (22) and Bear (24) are now out of the house, although Kitty will probably be moving back home in the next 6 months or so.

So I'm going to talk about Bob and Ponito. If you just started reading my blog, then here's a brief summary. Bob (21) and Ponito (18) -- obviously not their real names-- were 7 (bioson, Ponito) and 10 (biodaughter, Bob - if you want to know how she got the name, Bob, click here) when Bear (13) and Kitty (11) joined our family. Kitty and Bob were in the same grade at school and there were a LOT of clashes between the 2 girls.

Bear was a very squeaky wheel, and it wasn't until he went into residential treatment at 14 that we realized how loudly Kitty was squeaking too. Between the two of them, I'm afraid all other squeaks were pretty much tuned out.

Bob was the next squeakiest. I'm pretty sure she still struggles with not getting all her needs met after the adoption, and I'm also pretty sure it's why she's such a strong, independent, young woman.

Ponito didn't squeak at all.

Bob - Biodaughter (21)

Bob's (age 12) tear-jerker school report on living with her adopted siblings 

Bob is starting her 4th year of college and just turned 21 - no longer a teenager. She's an amazing young woman now. All those years of her making me crazy and pushing my buttons, living with  severely mentally ill siblings, being incredibly smart and incredibly stubborn... have turned her into a strong, capable, responsible young woman.

Bob's finally stopped pushing me away, and we have a pretty good relationship. I probably talk to her a little too much about what's going on with her siblings and asking for her advice, especially with Ponito.

She tends to be pretty honest with me about her opinions, whether they hurt my feelings or not. I know that's a good thing, but of course it still hurts to hear her say that she understands how Ponito is feeling and that she too wanted to leave home the minute she graduated high school.

Independence and Separation from Family - Teenage Developmental Stage

I know this is a normal developmental stage. Teens are supposed to be working on becoming independent from their parents, and pushing their parents away at this time is developmentally appropriate. I did it too. It wasn't until my mid to late twenties, that I started going back to my mom for advice and support. I remind myself of this every day. It still hurts. 

Ponito - Bioson (18)

Ponito was always a sensitive, laid-back, little kid. In a family of strong female personalities, he took after his dad. His Love Language was obviously Physical Touch, and he was always climbing in our laps, or plopping himself down between Hubby and I.

He was small for his age, so I was even able to carry him around - which he loved - long after the age I had to stop carrying Bob (she was 5'1" by the time she was 10, and 6 foot tall by age 14).

Ponito was very active, incredibly coordinated, and social. When we weren't calling him Monkey, we called him the Energizer Bunny. In 7th grade, he was in band, football, soccer, drama class, and had an adorable, little girlfriend (I say little, because she was petite). At 5'5" and thin as a rail like the rest of the boys in my family, we encouraged him toward soccer rather than football, He loved soccer and it came easily to him, but he never had a real drive to win.

Then things started changing. In 7th grade, he started failing classes. He seemed to just stop caring. He started getting stomach aches (after years of specialists, we finally figured out it was most likely anxiety - Prozac helped a lot, but quickly thereafter, he refuse to take it). When it came to makeup work, he wouldn't ask for assignments and wouldn't do them when he got them (he said he didn't understand them, but he wouldn't ask for help).

When he started high school, Ponito dropped out of band and football (which made sense as he was going to need more time for academics with his advanced math classes). Within a year, he had dropped out of soccer and all extracurricular activities too. Starting in 8th grade, he did little besides play on his gaming system (unfortunately, Hubby and I couldn't come to an agreement on how to handle this, so he was pretty much able to play anytime he wanted - which was all the time).

He barely ate, and kept losing weight. By 14, he was only 5'6" and weighed less than 120lbs. At that point, I found some protein bars he was willing to snack on. Within 6 months, he'd shot up to 5'10". Then 6ft (made Bob crazy when he passed up her 5'11 1/2"). By the end of high school, he was 6'3", but still barely ate (he'd stopped eating protein bars after a year).

At the end of junior year, I finally talked Hubby into getting him a psych eval. We'd tried several therapists and even a few anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, and ADHD meds. Some of them worked, but he quickly refused to take them.

We'd always known he was smart, but the academic part of the psych eval was even better than expected. In math, he tested post-graduate level (from college!), in English, college level. He was also diagnosed ADD with almost no "general fund of acquired knowledge."

His other diagnosis was Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood. According to Ponito's therapist, this is kind of a junk drawer diagnosis for "we have no idea what it is, but something is obviously wrong." The therapist recommended DBT therapy, but that Ponito had to "buy into it," which wasn't going to happen. So we agreed to stop therapy.

Now a high school graduate, Ponito plans to go to college out of state. He found one that was willing to accept him, despite his abysmal GPA. He spent the whole summer on his PS4 all night, and sleeping all day. I pretty much despair that he'll do well in college and end up dropping out, but who knows? He may surprise me.

My hope is that this is that independence phase, and that when Ponito is in his 20s, he'll come back to the family and get his act together. I do still think there's something fundamentally wrong (mental health wise), but I've never been able to figure out what or how to help him.

I will always feel a little guilty that we didn't catch the ADD sooner, but like Kitty's issues were hidden because they were overshadowed by Bear's, Ponito, my least squeaky wheel, was overshadowed by them all.



Adopted Siblings Falling Behind Biokids

Our adopted kids' issues meant they were emotionally and developmentally delayed in a lot of ways (like most kids with trauma issues). The younger biokids quickly "passed them up" and were able to do and handle things that their siblings couldn't. Because the girls were basically twinned (in the same grade), the differences were usually VERY obvious which caused a lot of extra issues.

For example, both my biokids are now able to drive. My adopted daughter is not. In her mind, the fact that I won't let her drive is because I "love them more." Of course, the facts are that she is easily distracted, has difficulty with processing her environment, can't multitask, frequently has issues with esophoria (eyes crossing when she's tired or stressed),..



Adopted Siblings Resenting Biokids

The adopted kids resented that Ponito was getting to have the happy childhood they didn't, and we had to protect him from their sabotaging that. I'm 95% positive our adopted kids were doing it subconsciously, but they actively made his life miserable whenever they could. Since he was younger and smaller, he needed more protection than our biodaughter. He was a very laid-back little guy, and as the least squeaky wheel, I now realize he got a lot less attention than he needed/ deserved.



Helping Siblings Cope with the Child of Trauma Not Having Consequences

It was difficult for the other kids to understand why Kitty and Bear rarely had consequences for their "bad" behavior (they cussed, lied, stole things, hit and bit, broke things...). When they complained it wasn't "fair" (which was rare once we started the FAIR Club), we mentioned that they didn't always see the consequences, but that didn't mean they didn't get them (True! Having to live life like this is a consequence all it's own - The adopted kids had a lot more Structure).

To help the biokids understand their adopted siblings' differences, we tried to give them examples and explanations (at their age level).

• "You know your {developmentally delayed} cousin and how she's older than you, but she has trouble with reading, writing and understanding things? Well, your sister is kind of the same, but she also has trouble with dealing with her feelings."
• "Think of how we treat {my 7yo niece}. We don't expect her to be able to do all the things you can do, right? Your sister needs to be treated that way because the stuff that happened to her when she was a kid kept her from growing up in some ways."

No Triggering Allowed

We also had to explain that if any of our children teased or triggered their sibling, especially if they triggered him/her on purpose, then THEY would be the one getting in trouble.



Biokids Mimicking Behaviors

The biokids did try mimicking siblings behavior, and we had to squelch it pretty hard. They wanted to see if they could get away with it too. They usually only tried it once or twice before they "got" that our expectations of them were different. We held them to a higher standard that was age-appropriate for them.


Would We Do This Again?

I don't know.

There were some advantages -

•  I don't think Bob would have become as much of  the mature, responsible woman she is today without the challenge of being the opposite of her sister. 
• My relationship with Bob would have been a lot more antagonistic without the invention of the FAIR Club. She and I were so much alike (she was as stubborn and "spirited" as I was as a kid), that we butted heads all the time. The FAIR Club was the first and only discipline method that worked for us, and I wouldn't have invented it if we hadn't desperately needed the structure it provided. 
• I think I'm a calmer, better parent for all of my children. I was "forced" to focus on Self-Care so I think I am a calmer, better person in general. 
• It helped me set better priorities that benefited my family as a whole - Prioritizing Your Self, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order**

There were also some disadvantages -

• It took me quite awhile to Find the Joy, and in the meantime, the whole family suffered from not having a stronger mom/ wife/ person. I was often depressed and easily triggered because my "bucket" was empty. It also took me a long time to learn to shift my priorities so that my self, my marriage, and then the family as a whole all had a higher priority than an individual child. Prioritizing Your Self, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order**
• Biokids and adopted kids both felt like I loved the other one more. Biokids because they suffered from my focus on the needs of the adopted kids. Adopted kids, because they were jealous and felt that I favored the biokids, especially when the biokids got to do things the adopted kids weren't socially/ emotionally/ developmentally ready for. Age-Appropriate Therapeutic Parenting
• Bob lost her position as oldest child, but still get a lot of the higher expectations expected of a first-born. Now that she's older, I probably rely on too much and overshare with Bob.
• Especially when the girls were in puberty (and therefore insane and hated me). I probably relied a little too much on getting my "bucket" partially filled by Ponito, since we shared the same Love Language - Physical Touch. I loved cuddling with him (although since it is his love language, it helped fill him up too).
• Ponito, my youngest, was often targeted (sometimes physically) by the adopted kids, because he was having the happy childhood they didn't get. 
• Some of Ponito's issues went unnoticed or didn't get the attention they needed (ADD, anxiety disorder, failing grades, avoidance of emotional situations...).

Do the Kids Wish We Hadn't Adopted?

Yes.

Choosing Joy - Explaining Age-Appropriate Parenting

Today after Kitty had been in her room pouting for awhile I went upstairs to talk to her.  I woke her up from an escapist nap.

[Note: Throughout this entire conversation, I praised her accomplishments and how far she has come and tried to emphasize the advantages of this shift to age-appropriate parenting. [Therapeutic Parenting Based on Developmental/Emotional Age]

Evil Parent or Therapeutic Parent?
I told Kitty that I'm either an evil parent who is torturing and treating a normal 17yo like crap or I'm a therapeutic parent who is treating her child the way she needs to be treated because of her mental illness and trauma history (and BTW, I think I'm a good parent).

Then I apologized for not being fair to her. I've succumbed to the pressure from others (social workers, teachers, others who just don't "get it," and of course, herself), to offer her levels and privileges I know she is not capable of achieving right now, and acting like they are realistic options; therefore, she assumes the reason she's not getting them is because either she's a failure or I'm an evil parent.

Enjoying the Small Achievements
I reminded her that a reason we've been more restrictive is that we're trying to get her stable before we start adding potential stressors, especially since the baby steps we've taken lately haven't been so successful.

I talked about how frustrating it is for me that when we offer her a baby step, she immediately demands something bigger and is so angry when I won't give it to her that she can't acknowledge or enjoy the smaller step.

Example:

We're going to Nebraska to visit Hubby's side of the family (13+hours in a car each way! *eek!*). Since Kitty's biofamily also lives in NE (although hours away), we were going to stop at a hotel with a pool, and take a day to hang out with Kitty's biograndparents (we'd hoped for Kitty's biosisters too, but couldn't get it to work).  before we go on to my MIL's house.  

Rather than be happy that she gets to see biofamily, she's chosen to focus on what she wants that she's not getting.  (She wants to be able to go to her Grandmother's house and stay all week, and maybe stay through her last 2 years of high school and for junior college...). 

Choosing Joy
I tried to gently explain that by choosing to stay stuck and angry, she is forcing me to be even more restrictive (Structure and Caring Support) to help her get and stay regulated. She's losing out on what she wants. Also, if she decides to just "give up" (a frequent threat), then she's definitely not going to get what she wants.

Kitty was getting obviously depressed and defensive.  She was feeling that I was taking away everything she wanted and she had no reason to keep trying.

So I talked about a friend of the family who is going blind. She was a great artist, and when she found out she was going blind, she had every "right" to be depressed and angry and to give up. Instead, she chose to become a sculptor and continued producing beautiful art that made her happy.

{Finding the Joy! - a post for parents about choosing joy for ourselves.}

When talking to Kitty about "Choosing Joy."  She was listening.  She saw that it was in her best interest, but she just can't maintain it. (And that's okay.)

Future Changes
Most of the friends we make and the goals for the future that we make when we're young, change a lot as we get older.  We don't even know what all our options are when we're younger (How many kids want to grow up to be a digital media user experience engineer with a specialty in animation? Which is my admittedly confused understanding of what Bob wants to be when she graduates)

My point was, we don't know how things will change.  Some things we learn by trying them or just from experience.  We could work hard to achieve our goals and still fail. If we give up because we don't get what we want, we may never find the awesome thing around the next corner.

Example:

A couple of years ago, Kitty's goal was to be a brain surgeon.  That wasn't a viable option for her (memory, processing issues, IQ...) and she needed to choose another option. {Dreamkiller post - a post about telling kids that their current dream is not going to work} I reminded her of this change in goals and pointed out that things worked out okay back then even though she was angry with me at the time. 

My main point:
I'm sorry that she has to make some difficult choices because of her issues, but if she continues to blame me and be depressed and angry she's making herself miserable. 

+++++++

SHE'S ONLY 6!

Parenting Based on Developmental Age 
I apologized to Kitty for not being fair. Because of her trauma and "issues," she missed out on a lot of the normal kid stuff that Bob and Ponito got to do, and had to focus on and work hard at handling her life. This left little time to learn some of the lessons that kids who didn't have to handle all that stuff learned when they were younger. Emotionally and socially she was a little behind.

By expecting her to be able to do all the things that kids who didn't have to deal with all the stuff she has, (with a quick praise about how great she's done at dealing with it!), I was making it impossible for her to succeed, and I was also getting frustrated and angry with her when she didn't do things other teens could handle - like chores. I would end up not letting her do any of the "fun stuff" because she hadn't "earned it" and that wasn't fair to her.

"Level Chart" vs Age-Appropriate Parenting After receiving a ton of pressure from staff at the hospital and school to give Kitty all the privileges that normally go with being 16, I decided to create a new chore chart with the responsibilities and privileges done in levels. Mostly to get them to understand WHY Kitty was not being allowed to have unsupervised dates or have a cell phone or whatever it was that they felt she was entitled to based on her age alone. Kitty was so dysregulated that she was not able to handle even the most basic responsibilities. [Chores, Responsibilities, and Other Things My Kids Can't Handle!]

Emotional and Social Developmental Delays
When Kitty first came to us at age 11, she was "stuck" at age 4. Not intellectually!  She's smart, but emotionally she was much younger. She needed time and to feel safe to grow up / mature in certain areas, which she did! She's grown a lot in so many ways! She's no longer stuck at age 4 - she can access her physical feelings and a lot of her emotional feelings as well.

When we ask her to do something, she can do it as long as I break it down into smaller pieces ("Empty your trash can. Now, put your dirty clothes in your laundry. Now,..." vs "clean your room"). At first, she could handle only one task at a time. Now, she could handle a short list with only a few reminders. Before, she was so close to the edge, that if we had said, "Who left the butter out?," she had a HUGE meltdown. Now she can admit it was her, and clean it up!!

Learning Disabilities
I told her this was like her learning disabilities. Yes, she has trouble with certain parts of reading (like spelling), but she's reading on grade level. She is NOT stupid! She just needs some extra help with certain things and someday she will probably get to a point where she doesn't even need that help.

While in a lot of ways she was a normal teenage girl, there were some things she still needed help with. She knows that she struggles with a lot of the "responsibilities" of being a teenager. I can't hand her a list and expect her to do everything on it (or better yet, do them without prompting or needing a list!). When she's stable, she can be left home alone for a short time. There have been some issues (fighting with Ponito, putting a metal cup in the microwave, a lot of things having to do with attempts to cook!) that tell me she's not ready to stay home alone for a long period of time, yet.

Now the hard part to explain.

As a good mom, it is my job to parent her where she IS, not where someone says she SHOULD BE. 

Expecting her to act like a teenager when she's not ready yet is not fair to her. In the last few years, when she is stable, she has grown emotionally from 4 to about age 10! and she's growing all the time. When she is not stable/ dysregulated, she needs extra help, about what a 6-year-old might need. 

Concrete / Black and White Thinking
This is where Kitty's Concrete/ Black and White thinking made things super difficult. I had to repeat a LOT (and it still didn't stick) that I didn't think she was stupid or 6 years old. I felt that she needed the emotional support that a 6-year-old needs.

THIS IS A GOOD THING!!

I let Kitty know (repeatedly!) that change is a GOOD thing! Yes, it meant that she wasn't going to automatically get a lot of the "teen privileges," but she also was no longer going to get in trouble for not meeting her "teen responsibilities."

I wasn't going to be upset with her all the time, and she would have a lot fewer chores and expectations. Life would be a lot easier.  

PLUS, she still got to do the fun stuff.  

Even if she'd had a rough day (ex. meltdowns and threatening herself). She would still get to go out to eat with the family. She'd still get to watch TV (although the shows would be more "age-appropriate"). {The truth is that we will still be making decisions based on whether or not she can handle these things - like going to a crowded, noisy restaurant but it will not be a punishment}

Most importantly, we wouldn't be frustrated with her all the time. 

I assured her that from now on, if she felt like Hubby was getting upset with her for not doing something she was "supposed" to do, then I would run interference. If she saw me getting upset with her, she could remind me of this conversation. {And I would chant my mantra in my head, "She's only 6!  She's only 6! She's only 6!"}

Example: 

Kitty started picking a fight on the way home from a shopping trip I'd let her go on even though she didn't "earn it" or do her chores. The trip was my way of letting her know that I know she tried and my expectations for her really have changed.  The fight was probably because: a) she didn't get to buy something she wanted,
b) Bob did, and
c) the trip took a long time.

We had a discussion about the fight, and I pointed out that the shopping trip had been a treat she hadn't "earned" and she was not getting in trouble for the fight. 

{Note - I did NOT tell her that because of this fight, we wouldn't be making shopping trips like this anymore. We'd try to find ways to get things like this without triggering her (shorter trips, but her something small, don't take her on trips where she's not getting something but Bob is....)}


Acceptance Not Required
As I mentioned, this didn't go over well with Kitty, but it wasn't about her accepting it, it was about me explaining why I wasn't going to keep trying to keep treating her the same as the other kids, and how that meant I loved her MORE not LESS.

Attachment Disorders vs Autism Spectrum

Clinical Observations of the Differences Between Children on the Autism Spectrum and Those with Attachment Problems: the Coventry Grid by Heather Moran (11/2/2010)

When a child has experienced a very difficult early life or serious abuse or trauma, it can be hard to tell whether the child has attachment problems or is on the autism spectrum or both. The problems they show may appear very similar on the surface.

The Coventry Grid discusses the similarities and differences between children on the autism spectrum and children with attachment problems and their response to interventions. 

The child's response to therapeutic interventions and strategies, can reveal whether or not the child's issues are ASD or attachment related, or both. The danger of misdiagnosis is that the child might be excluded access from services or interventions that might help. The diagnostic process is subjective and there aren't any definitive tests, so there will always be some children who are inappropriately diagnosed.

Differences noted by therapists - working with children on the autism spectrum and children with
attachment problems

Therapeutic Relationship
One of the key differences noted by clinicians was the way a therapeutic relationship was used by the child. Professionals described a much more ‘emotional feel’to therapeutic relationships with children with attachment problems and a more ‘matter-of-fact feel’ to therapeutic relationships with those on the autism spectrum.

• Children with attachment problems
  Therapists reported that relationships with this group often developed quite quickly, but that they had to work hard to develop and maintain more appropriate relationships (dependence and maintaining appropriate interpersonal boundaries were very difficult).
  
  The children often emotional challenged the therapists and were resistant to the relationship boundaries the therapists were trying to establish and maintain.
  
  The children generally arrived with some ability to make a relationship with another person (although usually in an idiosyncratic and inappropriate way). Part of the therapeutic intervention was to directly address these issues:
  * helping the youngsters to understand their how they built relationships,
  * why the relationships may have become unhealthily skewed, and
  * how they might change things so that their future relationships could be more successful and healthy.
  
  The relationship between the child and therapist was the vehicle for therapy
• Children on the autism spectrum
  Therapists working with youngsters on the autism spectrum described making great efforts to make the beginnings of relationships work in order to get the child to engage in therapy.
  
  The children needed the therapists' active assistance to make a relationship with a professional. This involved helping the child to view contacts as being relevant and useful to him or her.
  
  The maintenance of appropriate emotional boundaries was far less of an issue because the children were not usually setting out to test those boundaries. The issues were more focused on appropriate behavior for the room or for the situation.
  
  The task was to make therapy relevant, often by involving children’s interests or obsessions because the relationship with the therapist was unlikely to be a significant motivator in the early stages of therapy

The Coventry Grid
(Revised Version of the Coventry Grid)

The group worked through the symptoms of autism, identifying the day-to-day, real life problems reported by parents and carers. Then, the group considered how those symptoms presented in
children with attachment problems.

Eating Issues Example:
Problems with eating are often mentioned in regards to both groups of children with temper tantrums and rigid, obsessive behaviors around eating. However, careful evaluation of the nature of these problems showed considerable differences in how, when and where they occurred.

• Children on the autism spectrumThe problems related to eating in children on the autism spectrum were often about the strong preferences related to physical sensations (such as texture and taste), the way food is organised on the plate, or its place in the child’s daily routine.
  
  Problems with food were pervasive, occurring wherever the child was invited to eat, regardless of who was offering the food and where it was being eaten. Denial of offered food seemed to be related to taste and texture preference and not to who was offering it.
• Children with attachment problemsThe provision of food often had strong emotional significance and was associated with relationships. Problems were most evident in relation to parents or carers, with more typical eating habits in situations with other adults.
  
  Parents and carers often reported concerns about abstinence and gorging and these behaviors tended to be associated with deliberate (and planned) deceit such as throwing or giving away food, or hiding food and wrappers. Denial of offered food seemed to be with the intention of emotional hurt or emotional defense, something which requires an understanding of emotional relationships.

Differences between the two groups were considerable, even though the headline for both could be “obsessive and rigid patterns of eating behavior."

Both autism and significant attachment problems might be construed as developmental difficulties and both groups might be vulnerable to misdiagnosis, especially when they present with depression and anxiety or when they have very good intellectual abilities and relatively poor relationship skills.

Children with one or both of these diagnoses (on the autism spectrum or attachment problems) may look similar, but there are definite differences in the way their problems are expressed in daily functioning. 

These differences imply that different assessment and diagnostic pathways and different treatment styles may be needed for the two groups, although there may be some types of intervention from
which they would both benefit (eg the use of visual timetables to reduce anxiety).

Heather Moran - a Consultant Child Clinical Psychologist who works within a Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS) and other professionals in the West Midlands 11/2/2010

Click here for the:   (Revised Version of the Coventry Grid)

How To Get Treated Like an Adult.

ACT LIKE ONE!!

Kitty is always complaining that we don't treat her like an adult. Unfortunately, Kitty has no understanding of what an adult is, except that it's *our fault* she's not being treated like one.

She wants all of the adult privileges (driving, living in her own place, being able to come and go without telling anyone, getting a pet, handling her own money...), but is not capable of handling most of the privileges she wants, and discounts the ones she does get as her due. (Can you say, "entitled"?)

She also has no interest or actual ability in dealing with the adult responsibilities.

So I decided to put together a document on how to get treated like an adult, just like I've done with things like driving. I sat down and listed out things she needs to be able to do to show us she's ready to be treated like an adult. When I started the list, I was extremely frustrated, and focused on showing her concrete reasons why she was not ready to be treated like an adult.

I did something like this once before when she got the psych hospital staff to try to force me to treat her like the teenager she was physically, even though she was so dysregulated that she wasn't even able to handle almost any privileges at all, let alone ones that usually came with her physical age of 16 (cell phones, hanging out with friends at the mall, unsupervised dating...). So I came up with this document --  Chores/ responsibilities vs privileges

Here's the document I started.

How To Get Treated Like an Adult 

RESPONSIBLE
Be Proactive. Explore your options. Be honest with yourself about your strengths and abilities.

Plan for the future you want.

• Discuss with others (therapist, parents) what it would look like. 
• Write down the steps needed to get there - include a general timeline. 
• Work your way through the steps one by one until you achieve your goal. 

Be flexible! If something you've planned is not working out, try to figure out why (ask for advice!). Be willing to change your goals!

Focus on your strengths! Instead of whining and complaining about your limitations and what you can't do, make goals based on your strengths and abilities. If you don't like a limitation or "weakness," find a way to work around it or change your goals.

Be positive and focus on working toward achievable goals. Don't dream the impossible dream, make it achievable!

RESPECTFUL
Ask for and accept help. Do remember that while many people are looking out for your best interest, you should not expect it or accept it at the expense of their own. What can you do for them for helping you?

HONEST
If you don't feel like you're being treated fairly, talk to the person upsetting you, or a trusted adult.

Be aware that it takes time for yourself and others to see, believe, and trust in any major changes. Please be understanding to all during that time.

APPRECIATIVE

FUN TO BE AROUND
3 Vent Rule

LOVING - Family Girl vs Adult Boarder

LEARNING

***

As you can see, I started by using RRHAFTBALL as an outline. I got about halfway done, and lost steam. Once I was done venting, I knew it was just as pointless to present this to her as presenting the level chart had been when she was a teen. (How the privileges vs responsibilities level chart worked out is at the bottom of this page)

Kitty's emotional development has progressed to about 13 on a (really) good day, and honestly? I believe this is about where she'll stay.

Which makes it even more frustrating that she will always feel that she deserves to be treated like an adult and hold it against us when we don't treat her that way. If we keep pointing out why we are doing this, it feels like criticism and shaming and reinforces her deep-rooted belief that she's unlovable, despised, and we and everyone else will abandon her for being imperfect).

She just doesn't "get it," and I don't believe she can "fix it." It feels cruel to keep saying you need to act like an adult to be treated like an adult.

I know she needs, and will continue to need extra structure and support.


SO HERE'S WHAT WE DID:

I gave Kitty exactly what she wanted.

She wanted to be independent, but also needed to feel loved and supported or she felt abandoned. (Obviously these two things are pretty conflicting)

We let her move out.
Deep down, Kitty knows that she's not ready to live totally on her own, so she did the next best thing (for her). She moved in with biofamily, who she was convinced would let her do whatever she wants. People who actually live a life of adult privileges with very few of what I would consider to be the "adult responsibilities." This time she lived with them for 4 months before she came home.

Just like last time she tried this, the second she walked out the door, she was constantly calling me for emotional support. She went from hiding in her room all day, to calling me 3 to 4 times a day (we actually talked about this "grass is greener on the other side of the fence" tendency, and she acknowledges it).

We compromised (aka I bribed her).
Kitty wants to be independent, but I believe she will never be truly capable of this, and don't want to have to continuously have to pick up the pieces when things don't work the way she thinks they will, especially if one of those pieces is pregnancy.

What Kitty says she wants: 

• To live independently
• To be able to drive
• To have a nice place to live ("not a crappy one bedroom trailer")
• To be able to come and go whenever she wants
• To have whoever she wants come over and stay as long as she wants them to (including sleepovers with guys)
• To be able to cook and eat whatever she wants
• To leave her place as messy as she wants
• To make her own medical choices (as long as she doesn't have to: fill out a bunch of forms, take public transportation to get there, handle insurance, deal with any issues that come up, find new medical professionals as needed...)
• To pay her own bills for whatever services she wants (Netflix, hulu, and deal with her own medical
• To make her own decisions about how her money is spent (alcohol, getting her hair done, clothes and shoes from Hot Topic or online, eating out... )
• To have no one "judging" her if she wants to stay out all night partying, have sex, drink...

What I want most is to be her Mom, and drop all the other titles/ hats. 

What I want:

• For Kitty to accept her limitations and not blame and take her feelings about her limitations out on me. 
• To not have to constantly run interference between Kitty and real life. (Most real life consequences would crush her)
• To not be the "Dream Killer" 
• To not be continually taking care of and cleaning up after her 
• To not be her emotional support/ regulator for the rest of her life (I'm ok with this to some extent, but she currently calls and texts me at least 3 to 4 times a day, usually in full crisis mode)
• To not have to raise her children
• To not be her caseworker for the rest of my life (scheduling appointments, handling insurance, filling out forms, transporting her everywhere, handling her money, enforcing her budget)
• To know that she'll be OK if something happens to Hubby and I

Residential Vocational School
I finally found a residential facility designed to teach independent living and job skills to young people with mild intellectual disabilities (which Kitty was recently diagnosed with). I also found funding for it (it's $7000+ a month). The program is designed to last 12 - 18 months. The majority of the students are like Kitty, needing independent living skills, but will most likely never be able to achieve full independence.

Of course when I broached the subject of the school, she was having none of it!

After much negotiation, and with the help of her therapist, these are the compromises we've come up with: 

1. She will attend the Residential Vocational School for at least 3 to 4 months. I have agreed to this much shorter time on the condition that she keep an open mind about staying longer, and that she doesn't tell the school or her funding source (one or both of which might stop paying for her to be there and send her home early). Since we currently have no place for her to live, that would be bad!
   
   ** This gives us time for the family to move and to prepare her new place (we're downsizing now that Ponito is 18 and graduating from high school this year).
   ** She will have about $200 of her SSI money that doesn't go to the school. Minus the expenses that will continue while she's at school (cell phone, medical insurance, preparing her new place...), she will have some money to spend on things she wants. We purchased many of these items in advance so she will have them at school. She will be paying back the loan of this money.
   ** Items she purchased with her "advance":
   -- Laptop (which also allows her to see her therapist weekly via a Skype-type video chat thingy.
   -- TV that works with her lap top and the DVD player she got for Christmas.
   -- "Uniforms" the school requires business casual wear for when she's in class (Khakis, polos/ button down shirts...),
   -- Professional Hair Coloring - the school stated that since their focus was on getting her job ready, she could not dye her hair crazy colors or something like bleach blonde that won't look professional when it started growing out, so Kitty decided to wait on this until she returns home.
   -- Tablet - I'm waiting until Kitty is more comfortable at school (she's only been there a month) to tell her about this one, and I'm hoping it will allow me to negotiate her being there for 2-3 more months while we're getting the new house ready.
   When helping Kitty repack so that her stuff would fit in the car to go to school (ex. she had a large packing box full of nothing but hangers tossed in so that they filled the box, rather than neatly stacked allowing more room for other things), I discovered a tablet that I knew wasn't hers. She gave some lame excuses about where it came from, but I strongly suspected that it was mine that had been stolen almost 2 years before. I didn't allow her to take it with her to school.
   Hubby checked it over, and it is definitely mine, minus the $80 case it had on it, and plus a ton of stickers and glitter , downloads, and apps(and computer viruses). She absolutely knew it was mine when it went missing and we have evidence she's been using it, not just "discovered" it recently. 
2. We are moving to a new place where she can have her own "apartment." With a separate entrance, a kitchen, and a bathroom. We've had to be flexible on what that would look like, since we have a LOT of criteria our new home has to fit or can be made to fit by renovating and/or adding to the house.
   ** fit in our very tight budget,
   ** has either: a set of rooms or a garage that can be converted (ex. by changing a window to a door for a separate entrance and either has a bathroom or can add a bathroom, can add a kitchenette), or a large enough property and no deed/ code restrictions to allow a trailer/ RV/ ADU (Additional Dwelling Unit/ Granny pod...)
   ** handicap accessible for my mother-in-law who uses a walker/ wheelchair,
   ** within walking distance of a bus or other transportation for Kitty
   ** the commute to downtown Big City where Hubby works cannot be too long
   ** space for Ponito and Bob when they are back from college during holidays and summers.
   ** preferably in a county that offers less expensive legal services for getting legal guardianship of Kitty
   Notice how many of those criteria are specifically for Kitty!
3. We haven't discussed this one yet, but if she wants to change the boarder agreement so she can have male guests, especially if they spend the night. Then I want her to have an IUD. 
4. Of course there are many other things we'll need to work out:
   - Budgeting (food, transportation, clothing, rent, entertainment)
   - Using the family wifi and common areas
   - Pets
   - Giving us a heads up about her plans so we know when to start searching ditches
   - Family Activities (is she always invited when we eat out or go to a movie or the lake or something?)
   - Health Code violations aka how much supervision for cleaning, food storage, garbage, clutter...
   - Respecting our electric and water bills

We had her first staffing at the new school. Of course she's doing great, she always does. What interested me most is that the school has an extension program for "transitioning students." After they've completed this program, they can live in an apartment on campus, work, and practice all the skills they've learned (budgeting, cooking, paying bills...). I've asked if they can give me information so that we can try replicating this program at home (they do already know she wants to return to our city instead of staying on for this program).

Like Attracts Like - What Happens When Mentally Ill People Have Children

Like Attracts Like
I've always assumed this was the case, but this study actually shows that people with a psychiatric diagnosis "connecting" with someone with a psychiatric diagnosis was two to three times higher than for people without a psychiatric diagnosis. They also seemed to be more attracted to people with a similar diagnosis to themselves and are less likely to marry.

"Nonrandom mating is evident in psychiatric populations both within specific disorders and across the spectrum of psychiatric conditions. This phenomenon may hold important implications for how we understand the familial transmission of these disorders and for psychiatric genetic research."

This study from the famous Karolinska Insitute in Sweden examined over 700,000 men and women with psychiatric diagnoses and compared them to over three million people without psychiatric diagnoses. Swedish Study published in JAMA Psychiatriy

“Couples choose each other with an unerring instinct for finding the very person who will exactly match their own level of unconscious anxieties and mirror their own dysfunctions, and who will trigger for them all their unresolved emotional pain.” - Scattered by Gabor Maté

{Marythemom: We definitely saw this with Bear and his "Kleenex Girls."}

Increased Risk Factors
Many mentally ill people live in poverty and engage in any number of risky behaviors such as prostitution to earn money or support drug habits. Generally, the severely mentally ill lack the forethought and coherence of mind to actually take a birth-control pill every day, let alone the medications that help their mental functioning. Many abuse illegal drugs as a way of self-medicating.

Often, mentally ill adults tend to gravitate toward each other due to socioeconomic status and behavioral habits. Mentally ill female patients are exposed to any number of dangerous situations which makes them vulnerable to rape and sexual assault. Thus, there are many pregnancies created out of terrible circumstances and often the father is not known.

It Takes Two
Psychiatric disorders are heritable, polygenic traits, which often share risk alleles - which means that if 2 people with similar diagnoses get together and make a baby...

For example:

Although schizophrenia develops in only about 1% of the population, having a parent with schizophrenia increases the risk to 10%. The odds increase to 30% to 40% if both parents are schizophrenic. Schizophrenic Risk Factors

What Happens When Mentally Ill People Have Children
Teen pregnancy rates among Canadian girls with major psychiatric disorders (bipolar, severe depression, psychotic disorders) were found to be three times higher than the average population.

Such girls were more likely to have more children following the birth of their first; “Services focused on counseling girls who already have delivered one child may also be important because the rates of multiple births are higher among those with major mental illness.”

Statistically, children of the mentally ill have a higher chance of becoming mentally ill themselves.

 Nature and Nurture;
Severe mental illness has a strong genetic factor.
Add to that the stress and chaos of being raised by a severely mentally ill parent, or the child being passed around to foster parents or group homes, and it creates the perfect storm for developing any number of mood disorders, behavioral problems, and juvenile delinquency, let alone the increased possibility of the onset of neurological disorders such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.


These conditions can lead the child to a life of illness, poverty, crime, and self-destruction... and future generations of mentally ill children. 

Weighted Blankets

There are many options for purchasing weighted blankets. I've found many sites over the years. You can look at Etsy.  Amazon - http://amzn.to/2gAvwVG Here's a list put out by friendshipcircle.org - 15 Places to Find Custom Weighted Blankets and Other Products

Make Your Own Weighted Blanket - It's a lot easier than you think!

Here are some basic instructions I adapted for making a weighted blanket for those who do not want to purchase one at the ghastly prices some places are asking, want to customize the blanket, or just prefer to do it themselves.  

Determining Size - What Is the Blanket to be used for?

Calming tool - for the car, using TV/computer, at school (although a lap pad or weighted vest might be a better choice), in church, etc. -- Lap blanket (34" x 43")or a Wrap blanket (43" x 52"). These sizes are also a good fit for those in a wheelchair.

Sleep - blanket size depends on the height of the person using the blanket and /or the bed size. For smaller children, it is recommended that a weighted sleep blanket be made to fit on the top of the mattress  and not hang over the sides of the bed, this is not an issue for older children, teens and adults.  In most cases, a  sleep blanket should always have the weights evenly distributed throughout the entire area of the blanket (although it's not necessary to weight parts that won't be covering the body (like the parts over the edges of the mattress or if your child is only 40" tall, there's not much point in putting weights at the bottom of a twin blanket!) and NOT concentrated in one area, although people with Restless Leg Syndrome may prefer the weights to be heavier in the lower part of the blanket. 

What Materials Do I need?

Materials - Scissors, pins, thread, yardstick, a water soluble marking pencil/ marker/ chalk, and a sewing machine.  Fabric and Filler.

Fabric - How much fabric you need depends on what you want to use the blanket for!  You'll need 2 pieces of fabric the size of blanket you've chosen.  Almost any type of fabric will do.

For the inside part, you will want something pretty sturdy, especially for a heavier blanket and/or rougher textured filler.  This piece can be pretty basic, like a simple mid-weight cotton quilting fabric. You can make it two sided with different fabrics for each side.

You can also use something pre-made - like heavy bed sheets.
To make it water resistant (good idea for bed wetters), use a water resistant fabric like a shower curtain (the fabric part, not thin plastic that would tear when you sew through it), or a heavy vinyl table cloth (the kind that has a "fabricy" side). 

• Crib/Toddler Blanket (36" x 52") 
• Lap blanket (34" x 43")
• Wrap blanket  (43"  x 52") 
• Throw (50" x 60")
• Twin size (43" x 75")
• Full size (54" x 75")
• Queen Size (60" x 80")
• King (76" x 80") 

Ex.  For a lap blanket about 34" x 43" , your fabric should be approximately 45" wide and 72" long (you'll want a little extra width and height for seams).  

Duvet Cover

The duvet/cover is a great idea for blankets that are heavy/ difficult to wash.  The cover fabric can be anything you want, even fleece, and can be chosen for sensory properties.  You can even make it two sided with different fabrics

Materials:
Fabric: If you want to make a duvet/cover for your blanket you will need 2 more pieces of fabric  - 2-3 inches wider and longer than the dimensions of your blanket.
Velcro (1/2" or 3/4" width)- Sew-on Velcro about 3/4 of the width of the cover, plus about 8 inches.
Ex. For a twin size bed this would be about 33" + 8" so 41" total.
(The extra 8 inches will be cut into five 1 1/2" pieces to help hold the cover in place on the blanket).
TIP: Make sure you get the sew on kind, not stick on, or you will muck up your sewing machine!  

Filler Weight

Weight Calculation  - Weighted Blanket standard formula is 10% of your body weight plus one pound.  This is recommended by most Occupational Therapists as a starting point.  

TIP:  Don't forget to subtract the weight of the materials when determining how much weight that you need!  Heavy fabrics can add a lot of extra weight! Weigh all the materials of the blanket, including the duvet cover if you have one, together with your filler - reduce the amount of filler needed accordingly). 

(Ex.  For a 100lb person the calculated amount would be:
10% + 1lb = 11 lbs calculated weight.  If the blanket materials are 1.5 lb.  The Calculated Weight would be 9.5 lbs.) 

What do I use for Weight?

• Beans/ Rice - Beans are a good weight for the bulk, smooth and rounded to not wear on the fabric, cost effective.  Just the regular dried beans you buy in the grocery store work, Navy or Pinto beans are a good size and inexpensive.  Make sure though if you need to wash it that it is in cold, short cycle, and hang to dry. You will definitely want to consider a water-resistant fabric.
  1 pound of dried beans = about 2 cups of beans
  1 pound of dry white rice = about 2 1/3 cup rice
• Popcorn - another good choice, but may wear fabric out sooner as the kernels are pointed on the end. Should also consider a water-resistant fabric.
  1 pound of popcorn kernels = about 2 cups of kernels
• Poly pellets - more expensive, also a lot more bulk for the weight.  These work better for lighter/smaller blankets (like throws and child blankets).  They are Hypoallergenic and washable.
  1 pound of poly pellets = about 3 1/2 cup of pellets
• Aquarium Rock - great if you can find it inexpensively. Check out thrift stores!
• River Rock* – a pebble-like gravel found super cheap and in bulk at home improvement stores (rinse thoroughly several times to get rid of all the dust and grit), Can be rough so you might want to use a heavy/thick fabric to protect the skin and cover/duvet. Also, will most likely can't go through the washing machine so consider a fabric that can be wiped clean rather than washed, or plan to wash it in the bath tub or outside with a hose.
  1 pound of gravel, dry 1/4 to 2 inch = about 1 1/4 cup of gravel

TIP:  I've made several blankets with river rock.  It's super cheap, but can be a bit rough so I'd recommend a heavier fabric.  My husband likes that it doesn't retain heat, as he tends to sleep hot.

Instructions: 

1.  Prep the Fabric (Add Velcro if using Duvet Cover). It is strongly recommended you wash then dry your all your fabric at least twice, three times is better, before measuring and cutting.  This will help you avoid shrinkage that will make the cover not fit in the future.

If you’re planning on using a duvet/cover, now is a good time to sew on your Velcro to the blanket.  

Attach Velcro. To keep the duvet cover on the blanket and hold everything together attach the fuzzy side of 1 1/2" long Velcro strips to one side of your blanket fabric (you'll attach the rough/ "sticky" side to the inside of the duvet cover later).  On the right side of your fabric, stitch a 1 1/2" strip in each corner (about 2" in from the corner) and one in the middle.  (see figure 1 - Velcro tabs go where the "X"s are located).

X					X
			X
X					X

figure 1

TIP: When stitching Velcro, it's best to use a fresh machine needle in a larger size, like you would use for denim, or a size 14 or 16.

2.    Stitch the Outside Seam. Place fabrics right sides together and stitch the two pieces of fabric together with a 1/2" seam allowance along the edge of the two long sides and one short side.  Use a strong stitch like an overlock, or run a second seam close to the first for more strength. You will then have a rectangular bag, kind of like a pillowcase.

3.    Turn the piece right side out (you can trim the corners first), and lightly press the edges (unless you're using a fabric that can't be ironed, like vinyl!). 

4.    Determine number of needed sections.
        Width - Measure across the width of the fabric. Divide by 5 to determine the number of sections needed
Ex.  For a lap blanket (34" in width divided by 5 = 6) you would end up with 6 sections (each 5" in width) across.
For a twin (43" in width divided by 5 = 8), you would have 8 sections across.

TIP: If you are making a larger blanket (full, queen, king) , keep in mind where the body will be located, and rather than spreading the weight across the whole blanket, you might want to concentrate on where the body will be (could be more on one side of the bed or smack in the middle keeping about 8 sections, approximately 5" in width, concentrated on where the body will be. 

TIP: You can also make your blanket just this width and position it accordingly in a "pocket" in the duvet, rather than have the blanket be the full width of the duvet. This would also allow you to remove it from the duvet for washing and even use it as a throw or lap blanket. If two people share the bed, this would allow one of them to not be covered by the weighted blanket on their side of the bed, or for them to use a blanket properly weighted for them. 

        Height - Measure down the height of the fabric. Divide by 5 to determine the number of sections needed.
Ex. For a lap blanket (43" in height divided by 5 = 8), so you would have 8 sections down.
TIP: If you are making a larger blanket (twin, full, queen, king), keep in mind how tall the body is and add about 2 sections. 
Ex. For a 43" tall child you would want 10 sections (43" in height divided by 5 = 8 + 2).
For a person who is 5' or taller, you would want 15 sections (65" in height divided by 5 = 13 + 2). 

5.  Making the Grid. Now you will mark off a grid on the fabric.  Use a pencil, air soluble marker or chalk, draw the lines in lightly.
Width
Take the actual width of the fabric and divide by the number of sections you just figured to determine exactly how large to make each section (this will vary a little depending on the actual width of your fabric, but each will be approximately 5" x 5).  Mark off and draw lines down the length of your fabric.
Ex. A wrap blanket is 43" in width and your fabric is 45" in width. Your lines across would be approximately 5 1/4" apart.
Height
Measure the length of the fabric - subtract 1" to leave room to fold over the top. Divide the length of the fabric by the number of sections to determine how large to make each section.  Mark off and draw lines across the width.  When you are finished, you will have a piece of fabric with squares marked off on it like figure 1.  (Note - they won't be perfect squares, in any case, the length and height will be different, I just use the word squares to describe the sections we are creating.)

TIP: For bedding (twin, full, queen, king), don't forget to keep in mind the length and location of the body.  If this is a blanket for a petite person or child, it doesn't make sense to have the the weight distributed all the way down the bed.  

The bottom edge of your grid should stop at the number of sections you already determined above x 5",  plus the one inch at the top.

Ex. For a 43" tall child your grid's bottom edge would be at 51" (43" in height divided by 5 = 8 sections + 2 sections = 10 sections = 10 sections x 5" = 50").    

6.    Sewing the grid. Now, straight stitch along the marked lines that run from the open top edge to the bottom edge.  Stitch along the bottom edge. You will end up with a long row of channels, open at one end like this (the top edge of the fabric is open - sorry about the graphic making it look like it's closed on the first channel):

TIP: Use pins through both layers to make sure that the bottom layer doesn't shift while stitching.

7.  Determine how much weighted filler for each section.
Now to determine how much of the weighted filler to add to each grid square.
First, determine how many squares you have, then divide your Calculated Weight by this amount.
Ex.  Lap blanket is 6 sections across by 8 sections long (6x8) = 48 squares.
For a 100lb person the Calculated Weight would be 10% body weight (10 lbs) + 1 lb - weight of the materials (1/2 lb) = 9.5 lbs. So,  9.5 lbs / 48 = .2 lbs)
TIP: There are 16oz in a pound. So .2lbs is 3.2oz

TIP:  Once you have your gross measurement of weight, rather than measure or weigh each individual amount as you go, I recommend dividing it ahead of time.   I put each section's weight in a plastic baggie.

Options for dividing your weighted filler (using example numbers of 9.5lbs):

• Using a kitchen scale - You can carefully measure .2lbs (3.2oz) forty-eight times (and hope you're right - due to a faulty scale I once ended up with a 30+ lb blanket!).  
• Eyeball/ Approximate* - You can measure out your 9.5lbs then divide it in half (I just "eyeballed" it - approximated). Then divide the two halves in half (approx.), then divide those in half... until you end up with the entire weight divided into 48 sections.
  Ex. I chose river rock as my filler, which needed to be cleaned and rinsed first (it was dusty!).  I spread it on a sheet in my driveway and rinsed it off with a hose, then let it dry in the sun. I then “eyeballed” it, dividing the weight approximately in half, then dividing both halves into halves, and so on until I had 48 little piles, which I put into little plastic baggies.
  *My personal preference! 
• How many scoops in a pound? Using a small scoop or measuring cup (a 1/4-cup measure cup works well).  If you are using beans for your filler, start with a 1 lb bag.  Measure out the entire bag with your measuring cup or scoop; find out how many scoops are in 1 lb.  If you are using something that comes in bulk, like the poly pellets, use a food scale to weigh out 1 lb and do the same thing.
  Ex. Using their scoop, they get 10 scoops per 1 lb of beans.  Then, multiply the number of pounds you want in the blanket by the number of scoops per 1 lb.  For example, for an 8 lb blanket it will take 8 X 10 or 80 scoops.  Then divide the total number of scoops in the blanket weight by the number of squares.  In this example, 80 scoops and 48 squares gives us 80 / 48 or 1.66 scoops per square.  (About one and two thirds.)  It's a little tricky getting 2/3 of a scoop, but it doesn't need to be perfectly exact,  it will all work out. 

9.    Filling the  Channels. In each one of the long channels going across, drop in the measured amount of the filler (or the contents of one baggie).  Shake it all the way down to the bottom of the blanket, below the marked grid line.  Once every channel in a row is full, then stitch carefully across the grid line to enclose the filler in that row of squares.

(oooo - represents filler)

Continue working your way up the blanket, row by row the same way.  Add the scoops of filler to each channel, shake it down, then stitch the row closed, until you get to the last row at the top.

10.    Finishing the blanket. Before filling the last row, fold down a half-inch or so and press well into place (if you can't use an iron on the fabric, then finger press it), then fold again and press well.  Open the folded area and fill each section.  Pin the fold into place over the filled space.  Work your way across, filling and pinning each section so nothing falls out.  Then stitch the folded section closed, removing pins as you go along.  Stitch again to make it very secure.
If you aren't making a duvet cover, at this point you are finished!

Voila!!

DUVET COVER

Instructions:

1.    Attach Velcro.  Spread the finished weighted blanket out with the side with the Velcro tabs facing up. Loosely lay the matching 1 1/2" strips of Velcro (the rough/ "sticky" side) on top of the stitched on Velcro tabs.

Drape one side of the duvet cover material on the blanket (right side up), and position it so the blanket is where you wish it placed inside the duvet (centered, toward the left side, near the top...). Be sure to leave at least 1 1/2" of the duvet fabric around the edges for seam allowance. Pin the rough side of the Velcro strips to the duvet fabric. Stitch the Velcro in place on the duvet cover material.

On the "bottom" short edge of the duvet fabrics, fold over and press 1/2" toward the wrong side of the fabric. Do this for both pieces of duvet cover fabric.

Lay the fabric wrong side up and center each side of the long strip of Velcro (3/4 of the width of the cover) on the folded "bottom" edge of the duvet fabric. The edge of the Velcro should be about 1/4" below the folded edge of the fabric. Stitch around the Velcro. Do this for both pieces of duvet cover fabric.

TIP:  If you choose a fabric with an obvious top and bottom (like flowers growing upward!) then make sure you leave your opening at the “bottom” of your fabric.  You want the Velcro at the bottom of your bed, not near your face!

2.    Stitch the Outside Seam.  Place duvet cover fabrics right sides together. Stitch the two pieces of fabric together with a 1/2" seam allowance along the edge of the two long sides and one short side (the "top" edge), leaving the "bottom edge" open, just like you did at the start of weighted blanket.

3.   Turn the cover right side out (you can trim the corners first), and lightly press the edges (unless you're using a fabric that can't be ironed, like vinyl!). 

4.   Finishing the "bottom edge" of the duvet cover. Press the long Velcro pieces together. Along the "bottom edge," from each corner to where the Velcro is attached, top stitch the two duvet cover fabrics together along the folds.

Open the Velcro strip, place the weighted blanket inside the duvet cover, match up the Velcro tabs and press them together.  Seal the Velcro strip along the opening.  That's it!