How to have good dreams

Kitty and Jesse McCartney

Kitty wanted to have a good dream, and I told her I knew a secret trick.

I asked her what she wanted to dream about -"getting married and having kids with Jesse McCartney" (BLEECH!). But I decided to ignore the gross factor, so we both could get some sleep seeing as she'd had a tough day.

So to have a good dream you tell yourself a story or write a play in your head right before bed. Your story is about what you want to dream about, but you have to imagine EVERY detail. Where are you? What does your house look like, is it a 2 story or a one story, are you in the living room? Where is Jesse? Is he at work? Do you go with him? Do you work? What do you do? Picture it in your head. What are you wearing when you go to work with Jesse. Are you wearing an evening gown, what color is it, do your heels hurt your feet? Are you in a crowded club or a private limo, what color are the seats in the limo, is it moving or are you stopped. Does Jesse take your hand as you get out? What does his cologne smell like? Can you feel his hand in yours?

All of this was done in a quiet, calm, monotonous voice, and I didn't usually wait for answers for most of the questions. I just wanted her to visualize the picture. I did biofeedback when I was her age so I tried to mimic the method of painting imagery.

She told me the next day that it worked. Now all the other kids want to try it. Speaking of dreams. Time for me to go to bed. I'll try to get more about our weekend events posted tomorrow!

PTSD Update: Saturday Evening

Fireworks!

So Kitty excitedly showed Dad her new shoes. Hubby, knowing the story behind the shoes asked to see Kitty's old shoes (the ones that were "ruined.") Kitty showed the minuscule separation of the sole from the shoe that was so big she could "fit her finger in it!" Let's just say the shoes were not ruined, and when Hubby mentioned this, the meltdown started.

Long story short - shoes are apparently more important than anything. Hubby told her she would not be allowed to keep the new shoes because she lied about her old shoes. She started screaming, cursing, and continued to escalate until she eventually had to be restrained. *sigh*

The grandparents came and picked up the other children to take them to spend the night. The kids were happy to get two pieces of candy before they left -one for tolerating all the hassle Kitty had caused in the car and one for the evening's continuing episode.

Friday evening at Kitty's therapy session that Hubby and I go to now without her, the EMDR therapist brought up residential treatment (RT) for Kitty. I know it benefited Bear so much, but I still feel that the only reason it helped him was because he finally got a correct diagnosis and medications. The therapy seemed useless. He had never bonded to us, but was impressed by the fact that we visited all the time and had never given up on us. Whereas Kitty is anxiously attached to us, and I'm pretty sure of the accuracy of her diagnoses and medications.

I feel that Kitty's biggest issues right now are with her diagnoses that are least effected by medication - Complex PTSD and Attachment Disorder. RT just doesn't seem right for Kitty, but Hubby and the therapist are right too, she is getting steadily worse and it is effecting the quality of life of the whole family.

Hubby dealt with the brunt of Kitty's rage on Saturday night. He talked to her calmly and was firm, but actually got her to calm down instead of escalating. After an hour and a half of meltdown, Kitty made a comment about not deserving a family. Hubby questioned her on this, and didn't allow her to change the subject or deny she'd said it (not an easy task!). I did clarify that she knew what deserve meant, and she did. She eventually admitted that she did not "deserve" a family because she is a "horrible child." That a family did not "deserve" to have her inflicted on them. I asked her what made her a horrible child and she said "me, my personality, that's just who I am."

Kitty was obviously exhausted, and we think her true emotions were allowed to slip. She almost instantly began denying she said anything like that.

My poor baby. This made my heart break (and still makes me cry just thinking about it). She believed every word of it too. With the kind of deep down belief that defies logic - like trying to convince an anorexic person that she's not fat.

I think this might be the root of her issues. When we first took Kitty to attachment therapy the AT asked her why she went into foster care. Kitty said it was because she threw a chair. It's very common for kids to believe that this is their fault. The AT and I worked for a long time, trying to convince her that it was Biomom's poor parenting skills and issues (without putting down Biomom), that caused Biomom to feel unable to parent Kitty. I would guess from Kitty's statement Saturday night that although Kitty heard what we said, she didn't internalize it.

Kitty has always been "shut off" in regards to most of her physical and emotional feelings. She is not ticklish, she does not appear to feel physical discomfort. When she is afraid or upset she tends to dissociate. Over the years we have learned how to draw her back when she gets into the "Fight, Flight or Freeze" mode. We have been holding her accountable and not allowing her to "forget" the past or things she doesn't want to deal with.

We started EMDR therapy in July and at first she trotted out all the "mean men" stories that I had heard many times before. Then she refused to talk about her past at all and tried to distract us with rages against Grandma, teachers, siblings and of course Hubby. When I tried to bring up the past again, and was consistent about it, not letting her off the hook. She claimed nothing had ever happened and she "didn't remember" - not even the old standbys she'd told over and over. I think we'd started getting too close. That she was afraid we would discover what a "horrible" child she is.

After about 3 hours of raging, and one hour of talking, Kitty was finally calm and able to go to sleep. It was 11:30pm. So much for Hubby's and my date night. We sent her up to put on her PJs, and Hubby and I processed for a few minutes. Then I went upstairs to tuck her in. She was very cuddly and let me sit next to her and even kiss her hair (small token protest when I went for the cheek as usual, so I kissed the top of her head instead). Kitty reminded me that I had promised to tell her how to have good dreams. So I told her and then tucked her in. I'm sure she was asleep in minutes.

PTSD update - Single Parent Saturday

Single parenting and having to shop with 4 kids! HATE it! Hubby is teaching scuba this weekend so doesn't get home until evening.

Our Saturday
by a harried Marythemom

Both Ponito and Kitty woke up at the crack of dawn as usual. Ponito usually watches TV quietly downstairs, but Kitty can't be quiet to save her life! I came downstairs to discover them arguing about whether or not to watch a cartoon (Kid vs Kat). I told them the cartoon was inappropriate and then had to deal with Kitty's first meltdown of the morning. Poor Bob (the only child who sleeps in a downstairs bedroom). I tried to keep Kitty's voice down so Bob could sleep, but as usual, was not very effective.

Kitty tried to storm outside, but since she was dressed in her princess clothes (full-length light colored evening gown with heels) I informed her she couldn't go outside or the dogs would tear up the dress and heels are a no no in the backyard. More pouting and fussing and refusal to change, but she stayed inside.

Ponito decided to eat his leftover cake from dinner the night before. Kitty immediately threw a jealous hissy. I reminded her that there was some chocolate cherry banana bread left, and she eventually decided that it was better than nothing. She threw the whole bag in the microwave to heat it up. *sigh* Then I told her she couldn't eat in her Princess dress. More fussing. Finally she put on a hoodie, zipped it up, and covered her lap with a throw. I was done arguing so said fine, but then discovered that, unlike Ponito, she hadn't had breakfast. More arguing. No snack food until after a good meal! Kitty ate a banana - I didn't realize until later that that was ALL she ate.

At this point, Bob got up (who can sleep with someone screaming and stomping around in heels outside your door?). Bear came downstairs dressed and ready to go after his 1 1/2 hour nap in the bathtub. We all vegged for a short time, doing puzzles and watching cartoons and then got ready to shop.

I informed Kitty she would have to sit in the back seat of the van by herself (thanks Grandma for loaning us the van on weekends when Hubby teaches!). Meltdown #3 or 4?! I've kind of lost track.

Shoe shopping first. Bob and Bear have big holes in their shoes. Ponito got a "new" pair at the thrift store last weekend. I need some black heels for work (I finally got rid of my 10 year old shoes). Kitty claims her shoes are "ruined" too and she needs new ones. I say, "No," because I didn't notice any holes and our budget it tight. Meltdown #4(?).

Shoe store isn't having a sale and doesn't open till 10 anyway so we decide to move on. I decide on a big discount store that has decent prices on shoes (and I need some new bras and they're cheap there). Kitty is still furious and storms off. Meltdown #5(?). She stays several aisles away from me, out of my sight, and this is only our first store! *sigh* Everytime I call her back she steps back into my sight and verbally abuses me, but refuses to return to my side. She's already in the FAIR Club, and I can't stop shopping... so I ignore it as much as possible.

We find shoes for Bob and Bear (Bear ends up buying a size 12 shoe too because he can't stand the thought that his "little" sister has bigger feet than he does - which I don't find out till later). They get matching (ugly) shoes. Goofballs. At least the shoes were only $15 each. I forgot about the bras, must have been a little distracted. *heavy sigh*

Kitty is now bawling, but eventually gets in the car. We move on to Wal-Mart (to get a mop and shoes for me). Bob and Bear lace their shoes, and while we wait for them I go sit near Kitty and try to calm her down. I realize all she's eaten is a banana and decide to get them a snack.

Kitty and Ponito ride in shopping cart (yea, don't have to chase her down!). I buy new shoe laces for Ponito and look for shoes for me, but don't find any. She accuses me of torturing her on purpose. We finally check out and go to the in-store optometrist (Bear desperately needs new glasses, but our insurance won't cover new frames so I'm bargain shopping). Bored kids! A family friend and her 15 year old daughter see us and the kids get to visit briefly.

We sit in the van and have our snack lunch and feed the Grackles (black birds) in the parking lot. Kitty is in a slightly better mood. I realize I should have brought the candy bag for the other kids (we've recently begun "rewarding" the other children when they have to endure a Kitty meltdown).

We go to the local thrift store because they are having a sidewalk sale (everything $.50!). The kids get bored looking through bin after bin and ask to go inside. Kitty is informed that she has to stay with me. Yelling and pouting, but no meltdown. Bear is getting antsy because he is supposed to get to go to his girlfriend's house for a barbecue (yes, I've had LONG conversations about supervision and the mom and I appear to be on the same page).

We start toward home so Bear's girlfriend's mom can pick him up. I'm dreading this because I know we have a little more shopping to do and I'll never get the kids back in the car if we go home. Luckily I got a call from the mom and I offer to drop Bear off. Problem solved. Kitty and the kids get a chance to visit with Bear's girlfriend (whom they all like - surprisingly!), and Ponito runs off some energy in the yard. I have a conversation with the mom about Bear. This girl briefly dated Bear before he went to residential treatment and I wanted the mom to know that yes, he is much better, but of course still needs to be supervised. Bear seems to have made a good choice here.

The kids are all whining about being thirsty and wanting to go home. Someone mentions it Happy Hour at Sonic. $5 is worth it for some peace!

We head for Salvation Army - I'm still desperately looking for a leather sectional (in our price range of less than $75) so our furniture fits in our living room. I do actually find a bra that fits too! 34DDDD *sigh* The whole trip takes less than 10 minutes and the kids are happy. We quickly run through the Goodwill next door too and I finally find shoes! Brand new Isaac Mizrahi and Ann Taylor. Yea me! Bob and Ponito suddenly can't keep from messing with each other and I fuss at them repeatedly.

When we get back to the van I tell Bob she can't sit in the front seat because of her behavior in the store. Instant pout! She refuses to get in the van and storms off. *sigh* Luckily this is my child I trust (even when she's pitching a fit), so I let her calm down while I drive around to the back of the store to pick up the leather ottoman I got for a steal. Then drove back to the front. She's no longer hiding behind a pillar, but is pouting on a couch in front of the store. I open the window and tell her if she wants to spend the night at Grandma's she'll get in the car. That works.

Of course now it occurs to Kitty to ask if she's going to Grandma's. Nope. Luckily, only got arguing, but when she realized that I was car-free (have to give back Grandma's van so she can get the kids to church in the morning), she knew we would be going to my sister's church with her. She likes my sister's church so she calmed down and started bragging to the other kids. *sigh*

Last stop. I had done the Sam's Club shopping Friday morning because we were out of dog food, so I didn't need to make a major trip. I just needed to pick up coffee beans and water for work (we're completely out and no one told me until after I made the shopping trip), DiGiorno pizzas as a treat and Gummy Omega 3 for Ponito which they hadn't had at the other store. The kids like the free samples and free cookie we always get.

Then finally home. Hubby had gotten home about 20 minutes before (his day was almost as rough as mine poor thing!). We vented about our days, and then I went downstairs to make pizzas. Then the real fun began!

PTSD update - Friday

Recently we've decided to allow Kitty to stop EMDR therapy, even though she's nowhere near "done." While the EMDR "paddles" helped her stay calmer (versus dissociating and other meltdown behavior - crying, threatening, throwing herself to the floor, raging, complaining...), it was becoming evident that she was not addressing or processing her past anymore. She was using the sessions as an excuse to rage and complain about family members (adopted family), and claiming not to be able to "remember" any abuse or issues that she had discussed in great detail as recently as 6 months ago.

Our EMDR therapist, who is very experienced in working with kids with severe trauma, particularly in a residential treatment (RT) setting, said that when they had a child who refused to participate in group, they would often "forbid" the child to come anymore. Depending on the child, he or she had to sit outside of group, unable to participate or they might let the child just not attend. She said the child would eventually want to come back to therapy and ask for the "privilege."

We are a little sceptical, because while our daughter does have ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), she does not have it to such an extreme that forbidding her to do something will immediately make her demand to be able to do it (unless it involves taking away certain foods she is allergic to or movies she wants to watch - then she craves them desperately). She has been in therapy for probably half her life, and is VERY excited to not be going. (She will still see her attachment therapist every other week).

We have been making her life a little more "uncomfortable" though so she might be motivated to go back to therapy. Little things like, "I know you would like to stay home instead of having to do the grocery shopping with me, but dad is staying home with the other kids, and you have issues with dad and men, and you chose not to work on those issues in therapy, so you will be coming with me."

Because her issues are worsening, we are considering completely shutting down her world and removing as many stressors as possible. Just like when someone is allergic to an unknown food you put them on the elimination diet (- remove all possible allergens and add them back one by one watching carefully for allergic reactions).

These are some of the things we are considering:

No interactions with siblings,
No interactions with Hubby unless it is attachment related,
No being left alone with anyone but me, which means no Grandma's house on weekends (she will have to go to bed early so Hubby and I can still have our alone time),
I will be the one supervising her chores (when they are not done before I get home),
No PG movies or Y7 TV shows,
She can still have her Bratz dolls (bleech!), but no more playing with her sister - it becomes more like play therapy and her sister doesn't need to hear the attitude and behaviors, so she can only play dolls with me - the rest of the time they stay locked in my toy box,
Stripping her room more than it already is,
Go back to issuing one outfit of clothes a day (to reduce the stress of choices, putting away her clothes, and not being able to find socks or other things),
Reduce dramatically the number of chores (and allowance),
No more sitting in the front seat of the car (she tends to yell at Hubby and I),
I will make her school lunches and serve her meals,
4 foot rule applies whenever we leave the house (must stay no more than 4 foot away from me),
No playing with neighbor children or in the front yard without me or Grandma present.

Hubby is afraid that I will essentially become her jailor and the family's quality of life will deteriorate more than it already has. I am not ready to give up on her, and am not really sure what other alternatives we have. I partially approached the subject tonight in a 1 1/2 hour conversation with her Friday night. We ended the conversation with me feeling like she'd really listened (major eye contact!) and some of it might have sunk in. You are cordially invited to watch the fireworks!

Wall o' Clothes

We've always known we wanted to adopt and I am a huge packrat (in addition to being a clotheshorse), so as my bios outgrew things, I carefully boxed them up for those future unknown children. Everything went into big Rubbermaid containers, labeled with gender and size. (FYI, This is not a picture of MY storage bins, and is nowhere near as many as I was using!)

My sister's first baby was six months younger than my son so I handed down my son's baby things, but then her son caught up to my son in size and she began adding to my collection. When friends had children I happily loaned them boxes of items from "Mary's Closet." Most of them returned them with items of their own (as they weren't planning on having more children, and so had no use for them).

One day I ran into a woman at a thrift store who would be getting her 2 year old nephew in an emergency placement. Since her nephew and son were the same size she needed more clothes. I arranged to give her all the 24 month /2T boy clothes I had. Luckily she showed up in a truck - I had six huge Rubbermaid containers and 2 garbage bags FULL of just that size!

On the day we agreed to placement of our definitely non-infant sibling pair, I called up a friend and told her I was officially closing "Mary's Closet." Since she had 4 kids - infant to age 6, I offered EVERYTHING to her on the condition that she NEVER return them. I didn't care if she used them, sold them (she could keep the money or share), or gave them away - as long as she took them all.

She had no idea what she was agreeing to. There was at least 40 feet of tubs stacked floor to ceiling. Our friendship survived and now all of my children's clothes go straight to Goodwill or a thrift store everytime the chair I throw them on disappears (gets buried). 3 of my 4 children wear adult size clothes so I occasionally give them away to friends.

Now all I have to do is break myself of the habit of keeping all my "skinny clothes." 4 years ago I dropped from a size 16 to a size 6, and got rid of ALL of my "fat" clothes. Now I'm back up to a size 18 and I am unable to make myself acknowledge that I no longer have the willpower or energy to lose the weight again. (*sigh*)

My first child / My first baby

This one is different and kind of fun!!! Here you go Moms - a different kind of survey for a change - it's all about you and your first baby.

Oldest Child (adopted at age 14) – First Baby (now age 12)

1. Were you married at the time?

No, we got married a little over a year later (for his birth of course. We'd been married 14 years at his adoption)

– yes, we’d been married almost 3 years

2. What was your reaction when you found out you were pregnant?

Frustrated because we couldn’t tell the children for 3 months until it was official

– FINALLY, we’d been trying for 6 months.
3. Were you trying to have a baby?

No, I wanted older children

– yes, we’d been trying for 6 months.

4. How old were you?

23

- 26

5. How did you find out you were pregnant?

Got an e-mail

– peed on a stick
6. Who did you tell first?

Hubby

7. Who did you tell next?

My mom

8. Did you want to find out the sex?

Already knew he was a fully mature male *eek!*

– yes, but baby was upside down sitting on one foot, and wouldn’t cooperate!

9. If so, what was the first thing you did when you found out the sex?

Freaked out about adopting a 12 year old who looked 17 and shaved

– cried because I was so happy, I’d wanted a girl so badly!
10. Did you deliver early or late?

Late, we had to wait months for the states to agree (ICPC)

- late by 2 weeks, in the middle of the summer, swollen like a sausage from water retention.

11. Did you have morning sickness?

Nope

– Definitely!

12. What did you crave?

A sanity check. Oh wait, that's just what I needed not craved.

– tatertots with cheese and anything fried and greasy
13. What irritated you the most?

Having to keep it a secret from the kids until it was official

– having to wear stockings to work in a Texas Summer which gave me heat rashes
14. What was your first child's sex?

Boy

- girl

15. How many pounds did you gain throughout the pregnancy?

Probably 10 from the stress

– 70+lbs!

16. Did you have any complications during your pregnancy?

Tons, but didn’t expect any less from bureaucracy

– little bit of anemia

17. How many hours were you in labor?

So depends on how you count it. Once we got ICPC, it took less than a week to arrange to go pick them up and bring them home His adoption wasn't final until almost 2 years later.

– about 13 to 14 hours

18. Who drove you to the hospital?

After the plane landed, Hubby drove the rental car to the small town where our son lived (Kitty met us there)

- Hubby

19. Did you take medicine to ease the pain?

Nope, all that came later

– Oh yeah! Had an epidural (insertion almost hurt worse than contractions)
20. How much did your child weigh?

205lbs

– 6lbs 15 oz

21. What was your first reaction after your baby was finally here?

Wanted to hug them and squeeze them, but didn’t want to scare them so just bounced like Tigger on the inside

– I cried and felt a huge wave of love for her

22. What did you name him/her?

Unlike his sister, he kept the first name he came with. We changed his birth last name to his middle name and gave him our last name

– Definitely not BOB!! A variation on my mom’s name.
23. How old is your first born today?

15, in the 9th grade

– 12 in the 7th grade.

24. Who does your child look like?

Oddly enough, Hubby, even has the same blue/green eyes and biomom, has her broad cheekbones

– Both of us because we look a lot alike, has Daddy’s blue/green eyes.

Okay Moms, post this as 'My first baby or child' and tag anyone you want to. Let me know if you do it, I'd love to read yours!

Crocodile tears?

Bob is crying in her room AGAIN! Quite frankly I had a tough day and I don't want to deal with more bed time drama. It's an hour past her bedtime and the crying is getting louder. The last 2 nights I've rubbed her back and listened to her vent, assuring her that I do love her. Tonight it just feels like an attempt to get to stay up late and manipulate us.

Hubby went in and told her to cut it out. When she was still at it half an hour later I went in and told her to cut it out too. She told me she is miserable and has the worst life in the world. I told her an abbreviated version of a story of a child who really had a miserable life that I'd just read on an adoption support board.

I told her I understand that she's unhappy, but only she can make herself feel better. Staying up sobbing every night is just going to make her more miserable and cranky from exhaustion.

I don't know if I did the right thing, but she hasn't done it since.