Borderline Sucks!

Bear and Kitty want to do stuff - like sleepovers and going to the football game. I don't think they're ready.
They insist.
I say no.
They want to know why.
I give them concrete reasons (because they don't understand the abstract ones. Plus, if I give too many reasons they have a meltdown because they're overwhelmed).
They argue.
I say no.
They fixate on one concrete reason and somehow manage to improve it (for Bear it was his failing grades, for Kitty it was the fact that she was refusing to do chores - actually it was the constant meltdowns most of which were provoked by chores, but like I said they fixate).



Now I have "no reason" not to let them go.



So I remind give them another concrete reason. I have to meet the parents and kids first.
They argue ("but Mooom, you did meet her and her mother. Once. A year ago. At a school event. You did talk to her, you said, 'Hi.' You would too recognize them.")
I say no.
They argue ("but Mooomm, you can talk to them on the phone.")
I said No. ("but Moooommm, you can talk to them when they pick me up.")
I said No.



"You never listen to me."

Me: "I listen, but the answer is no and you don't want to hear that so you keep asking me over and over."

"Mumble. You hate me. Mumble. Everybody hates me."

Me: "Hmm? Were you talking to me? Sorry I couldn't understand you."

"Mumble."

Me: (If I bother to answer.) "Sorry, still didn't understand you."



I ignore them a lot too, usually because I don't want to answer the question (or I already have a hundred times). If they persist, I'll eventually respond, "Hmm? Were you talking to me? Sorry I assumed you were ... talking on the phone (Bear loves to talk to me while he's on the phone, he has no consideration for the person he's on the line with)... talking to the cat (Kitty loves to mumble in the cat fur about how nobody loves her)... talking to yourself (both kids like to mumble nastiness to themselves and Bear seems to enjoy snapping at me that he wasn't talking to me anytime I ask him to repeat himself- so I might as well take advantage of it).



I'll admit sometimes I get tired of repeating myself and I do cop out and say things like, "I'll have to talk to Dad about it." or "We'll talk about this later."

Bear loves going to dad to see if he can get a different answer. Tonight Hubby called him on it. Bear insisted that I hadn't ever given him an answer. Luckily, Hubby knows BS when he hears it. I think it's interesting that both kids called him tonight. Usually it's the kids calling me when Grandma is watching them. I guess that's part of the "grass is greener" philosophy they tend toward.

Friday Kitty wants to spend the night at a friend's house and Bear wants to go to a football game. Friday night I'm getting together with a group of RAD moms in a nearby city and Grandma is out of town so Hubby has all 4 kids. Usually the rule is we don't do much when we're "single parenting." Especially not things that probably wouldn't happen on a "normal night" anyway.

Saturday morning Bear is getting some dental work, we're helping my sister move, and Bear has therapy in the afternoon. Grandma is out of town so we can't drop any kids off at her house (normally we do this so Hubby and I can both go to Bear's therapy). Sunday is church and unloading a semi full of pumpkins at the church. This is just a crazy busy weekend.

So when both kids started asking to get to do stuff like sleepovers I just said NO. As you can see- they argued. A lot. This made my PTSD flare which makes me less tolerant. I don't yell at the kids, but I also don't back down or help them regulate. This has been happening more and more frequently with Kitty and I need to find a way to stop it, because this makes her meltdowns worse. Tonight she escalated past screaming defiant cussing to kicking things (nothing broke) and threatening suicide. I put her on Soup Kitchen and invoked the Four Foot Rule.

While she's screaming and begging on the floor, Bear starts up again. One I can handle. Two, not so much. I gave him some straight talk and told him some things he didn't want to hear (Basically it boils down to - I don't trust him.). He stormed out of the house. I called poor Hubby - who'd already had to talk down both kids once, and told him I needed him home now.

The good news is, everyone is fed and in their rooms. We didn't start dinner until 15 minutes before bedtime, but we all ate (I think. Bear was insisting he wasn't hungry so he could escape to his room, but I believe Hubby made him stay and eat). Kitty had soup. I had coconut shrimp and quiche (long story!). Bob and Ponito had leftovers (which they could have had at a decent hour. *sigh*).

Gotta put the food away and go process with Hubby. Night all!

Resetting Normal

Sometimes when I launch an updated version of a computer program I find that I can't transfer my old documents or projects to the new program. Sometimes they're corrupt. Sometimes they're so old the new program doesn't support them. Sometimes I found I've added features that the new program doesn't have so it doesn't recognize parts.

I used to have lots of time on my hands so I played with designing our house and interior decorating. I had a CAD (computer aided drafting) program that I'd purchased off a bargain table at a discount book store. I spent hours and hours entering exact dimensions, moving walls, figuring out how to put things at an angle or adding features so it looked exactly like our house. I quickly discovered I really liked it so I searched the internet and found some upgrades. We wanted to add on to our house so I felt really productive.

I decided I wanted to upgrade the program and discovered that the new version could do amazing things, but it wasn't compatable at all with the original so I would have to start over. I was having fun and I still had all the dimensions so I decided to go for it. Fun!! Then I had to reload the program a few times (changed computers), and I upgraded several times. Each time importing the old files and playing with them, tweaking them, and adding to them.

One day I decided to start from scratch and design a new space. I discovered that the latest version of the program I was working on had all sorts of features and abilities that I had not been able to access because I was working with the old project files. There were things I could and did add (like new furniture and surfaces), but some things were not compatable with what already existed, and some of them were designed to be used in the "building" process which was already complete, so they weren't even listed as options. The program viewed the existing options already in place as "customized." So most of the cool new options weren't listed because the program assumed I'd already chosen.

At this point we'd already used the program to add on to the house. I no longer had real access to a computer that would support the installation of the program (it used floppy disks!). And I no longer had the motivation to play with it all. So I just let it go.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I think of Kitty as fairly stable. She has her quirks and her moments, but she has improved so much that I don't tend to see them. Not only do I compare her to the "original document", but I compare her to her brother and since she is currently doing so much better in many ways I still see her as doing "OK." I've always made a conscious effort not to compare her to Bob and Ponito of course. It would not be fair as they are completely different kind of "files."

Now I'm wondering if I'm making a mistake. I have access to new and improved upgraded programs. Am I allowing Kitty to plug along limited by the constraints of my expectations?

The other day we were in my bedroom (yes, it's Hubby's too) going through the girls' wardrobes to figure out what was needed for school. Both girls have lost a little weight. I was also going through the storage bins of clothes (I've lost some weight too) and it took a little longer because I wanted to put them back away neatly. Kitty got bored. All of her jeans were too big. Most of them were dirty.

I told Kitty she couldn't leave the room until we were done. Since I was there to supervise I started directing her in putting away her clean clothes (she keeps her clothes in my room because she's not able to handle them on her own). Already a little triggered because she was restless, Kitty lost it. She snatched a pile of dirty clothes and dumped them in a laundry basket (including a shoe, a belt, and who knows what all.). She refused to pick up the shrapnel (a pair of tights, a couple of socks, a shoe...). After a few minutes of defiance she stormed out. A second later her door slammed and her radio blasted. I went back to what I was doing to give her some time to calm down.

A few minutes later I heard her begin sobbing. I've recently decided my PTSD flares when the kids have meltdowns or I get in a major argument with Bear, and maybe I'm having more trouble with that than with bipolar disorder, which might explain why I haven't been having too much trouble with having stopped the mood stabilizers - the kids have been fairly stable. So when Kitty began sobbing, I cussed a little under my breath and decided to ignore it.

Ponito came in and told me Kitty was crying and Daddy couldn't get her to tell him why. I told Ponito to tell Daddy to ignore it because she was just mad about being told to clean up.

Then I heard her in the hall saying I want my real family. That's when I knew she'd escalated even more and I went to confront her just before she walked in her room. I was pretty frustrated with her, but then discovered she was no longer upset about our disagreement.

Apparently she'd decided to call Biograndma (probably for sympathy) and one of her little sisters answered. Biomom had just recently told me she rarely went to Biograndma's because it was too expensive to travel. This was a shock for Kitty (and combined with already being upset triggered a major meltdown). She said she didn't know what to say to her sister and she hung up after a few seconds conversation because she thought I'd be upset with her talking to them while Biomom was in the house (this was against the rules in the past).

I finally got her emotionally regulated. I reassured her that I knew she could handle talking to the sisters with Biomom in the house and it was OK to call her sisters back, but not until she'd had a chance to calm down ("No, you're not calm yet."). Before that could happen we had to leave the house (Bear's therapy). She did get a chance to call though. Obviously having two events happen right after each other made this event much worse and she's already worried about starting high school in a few weeks.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I stayed home from work today because Kitty couldn't do her chores without major meltdown. Evil mom wanted her to put up a laundry basket of clean clothes (been telling her to do this for 4 days), pick up the plastic grocery sacs that had somehow gotten spread all over the pantry floor (her job was to clean the floor - she chose to interpret that as move the bags to one side, sweep, move the bags, sweep - but not put away the bags!), and it's her day to do kitty litter.

She's supposed to keep her floor picked up all the time, but she doesn't. She is so easily overwhelmed that several years ago we removed most of her stuff, but cleaning/organizing again was on my "to do" list because it's gotten pretty bad - especially under her bed. Still, there's a couple of piles of sand from volunteer work (it's a sand filled arena) and one of her pillows with microbeads had leaked all over the floors. I do think she's perfectly capable of handling a little sweeping.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So anyone got a manual of new upgrades and suggestions and whether or not I should completely reprogram or try to patch and tweak? *grin*

Trading off

Tuesday we had more of the same with Bear, but he did calm down so I let Grandma pick him up and take him to "Open Gym" at the church. I was hoping she'd supervise him a little more closely, but there was a miscommunication. Luckily his new girlfriend didn't show up after all.

I lost track of time so we were super late to everything including taking Kitty to meet her new psychiatrist. I hate being rushed! It's so hard on all of us. This psychiatrist is actually located about 4 hours away, but she talks to Kitty via a video camera and screen at our local MHMR! Of course we had to discuss everything in Kitty's files, so in a 1/2 hour period we talked about how Kitty came into foster care; Kitty, Biomom and Bear's diagnoses; Kitty's meltdowns; Kitty's hospitalization; developmental milestones (I'm not much help there) and past trouble with enuresis and encopresis (that's wetting and pooping on herself if you don't know), Kitty's meds and how well they're working.... Basically Kitty is pretty stable so no med changes.

Then Kitty and I rushed to see her attachment therapist. This was not a very upsetting meeting we didn't go over any majorly tough issues, but we did talk about how well Kitty was doing - which immediately prompted her to start asking for special privileges. In the past it's usually been seeing movies I don't approve of or getting to go to a dance. She asks for things a million times and I say No. After awhile she seems ready to handle something and I'll allow her to do it (not after she's been whining of course!). This week she wanted to dye her hair black. The therapist and I alternated over and over reasoning with her (her hair is beautiful as is, she can't afford upkeep...) with Mom said No, period. Ad infinitum.

Kitty seemed OK.

Wednesday, Bear was very well behaved. Hubby had told the boys he'd allow them to join his scuba class that night (yes I'm single parenting it this week while Hubby teaches).

Flash forward to this morning. Kitty hates doing morning aerobics. It's hard for her, she's not very coordinated, and I have to do a lot of redirection (she hates it when I "criticise" her). The last couple of days I've given her a choice. Aerobics with the family or jump on the mini tramp. She quickly learned that the mini tramp is not as fun as it looks, and mom still keeps her on task (she has to jump 20 minutes - it helps with her ADHD). Today she decided to go back to regular aerobics - and the whining continued.

Kitty woke up early (2 hours early!) and wasn't allowed to eat (fasting for some blood work the new p-doc wanted). She whined and complained all through the aerobics tape. Finally we were done and Grandma arrived so I took her to get the blood work done (she was totally fine in public!). Then it came time to do her chores. Today was cleaning her room. You've heard the phrase, "a lick and a promise"? If it were in the dictionary there would be a picture of Kitty next to it.

I've met many men who just don't see dust (you could write on all the furniture in Hubby's house even though he's basically a neat person). Personally I'm a clutter bug. My mom's family grew up in the depression and the phrase "waste not want not" doesn't even begin to describe them. I'd mention they were Scotch "pinch pennies," but I don't want to offend anyone and sound prejudiced.

Kitty's lack of feelings, emotional and physical, have always caused her to be messy and not appear to know it (milk dripping off her chin, blood dripping down her leg, encouraging kids to pinch her arm because she couldn't feel it, not being able to tell you when she last pooped....). We quickly taught her the meaning of the word oblivious. I have to say she's come a LOOOOONG way, but she still has quite a long way to go too.

Junk, clothes, shoes just drip off Kitty and then it's "out of sight, out of mind." (I'm having fun with the sayings today). She'll look at her room which I think is a mess, and see nothing wrong with it. She sweeps a room by waving a broom in the middle and calling it done. Chores have always been a cause of major meltdowns because we expect them to actually get done, when we say to do them (because "later" means never).

So yup, you guessed it, Kitty had a meltdown over doing her chores - and it wasn't even dishes!!

Of course I was supposed to have left for work hours before and was trying to get some e-mails written when she tried to turn the TV on (a privilege reserved for those who have finished their chores). Grandma tried to take over, but Kitty was having none of that. Mom was in the house so she claimed Grandma had no authority over her. My mom and I ended up double teaming her. Kitty's meltdown was inevitable, but it most certainly didn't help for her to feel ganged up on so I went back to my computer to let Grandma handle it. Kitty didn't like that either (she wasn't going to like anything at this point).

I did tell Kitty she was going to work with me which she screamed denials to, but did move upstairs to her room. Grandma offered to help Kitty finish cleaning her room and make her beds, but Kitty would rather yell at Grandma (7 minutes, we timed it). She threatened to jump off the second story railing (I ignored this - she likes to threaten, but was not suicidal). I told the defiant Miss. Kitty to finish up and get something to do because she was going to work with me. Kitty slammed her door and made her beds.

When I didn't immediately come to check on her made bed (Kitty's room is upstairs so Grandma tries to make as few trips up there as possible). Kitty got even angrier because I didn't love her. I know she feels abandoned when I don't follow her and help her regulate, but sometimes it's just too much. Kitty threatened to run away. Again I ignored the rant and continued to work.

Finally Kitty went out the front door. Truthfully I was hoping for this, because she'd already repeatedly screamed her refusal to get in my car to go to work with me and I (rightly) assumed I'd be able to get her in the car once she was out of the house. I'd already started shutting down my computer. I checked her beds and they were mostly made (horrible job, but better than bare mattress with bedding strewn all over. Kitty's flip flops were in the hall so she was barefoot.

Ponito was outside with a friend and he pointed me in the direction she'd started walking. A lady was pushing her baby in a stroller and she hadn't seen Kitty so I knew which way to turn at the next turn. I quickly found Kitty who had circled the block and was probably headed back home (she's not the bravest soul and was probably afraid I wasn't coming for her).

Of course she refused to get in the car and started walking away. I honked the horn to let her know I wasn't above embarrassing her (Sorry neighbors! Hope no one was napping!). I pulled out my cell phone and told her through the open window that I was calling the police to report her as a runaway. That worked.

When we drove right past the house she realized she was stuck. She kicked and hit the car, I informed her she'd be paying for repairs, she stopped. She didn't put her seat belt on (which she carefully pointed out to me), I told her she'd pay the ticket. I had a few moments when I was at stop signs and stoplights when I was afraid she'd get out, but she decided not to. She said she wanted me to get in a wreck so she'd die, but eventually put her seat belt on.

LOTS of "you don't love me"s, suicidal threats, and lots of "I want to go home"s. Not to our house, but back to Nebraska. I said this is home. Nebraska is not an option. She threatened to go live with her grandparents, I reminded her they want her to stay here, and if they took her that would be kidnapping. We talked about how legally, ethically and emotionally she is our child. I reassured her over and over that I love her and will not let her go.

She pulled out the "Home is where the heart is" and my heart is in Nebraska. I'm kind of proud of my answer, "Home is where the heart is, and you have pieces of your heart all over the country, in Nebraska, with your biofamily, and here with us - whether you're mad at us right now or not, your heart is with us."

When we got to work she refused to get out of the car. Luckily? it is a semi-cloudy day. Still this is Texas and it was noon, so she only sat out there a few minutes.

More pouting, discovered that the "4 foot rule" was in place, and was finally given 2 options. "Calm down and get out of my chair or I'll have you sit in the sales guy's office so he can watch you while I make lunch for me, since you didn't want any of the leftovers I brought for lunch." The salesguy is a very large, former military, former police officer who had a tough childhood and is an amazing guy who is pretty understanding of what the kids have been through. He's mentored Bear a little bit. He's got 4 daughters and would never dream of hurting Kitty, but she's intimidated by him nonetheless.

She did calm down, ate the leftovers, complained that she's still "starving," drew for a little while, cleaned up an overflowing toilet (she claims all she did was pee, but that toilet has never overflowed before - I told her she could clean it up anyway as there have been many times when she did make it overflow that she didn't have to clean it up), of course whined because she's bored (told her next time to listen when I say get something to do - she says there won't be a next time and I hope she's right!), and begged for me to call Grandma to come get her so she could go swimming like Bear got to (told her Bear was here for hours before I let Grandma come get him and he didn't fight with Grandma, threaten suicide or run away). Now she's laying on the floor with a blanket, even though she's "not tired." Hopefully she'll sleep until my conference call is over.

Now all I have to do is decide if I should change her meds, call her therapist (will probably just send her a copy of this post), or just blow this off as life as usual.

Teenagers and time

Didn't get the job. I'm assuming that's a good thing since I can't seem to find enough hours in the day as it is. I've got a new volunteer job that I'll post about soon.

Kitty is still napping and melting. Napping when she takes her meds. Melting when she doesn't. You'd think it would click when she starts yelling and crying that she hasn't taken her lunchtime meds, but it never does! Hours after I've gotten her calmed down, or she's out on the swings, I'll realize she's missed the med.

Bear has been giving us some trouble lately. He has a new girlfriend. Nothing new there, and wouldn't be a big deal, but his girlfriend is staying with her best friend who lives in our neighborhood. The best friend has a younger friend who is friends with Kitty from the special ed classroom at school. Kitty has become friends with the older sister and her friend (she always seems to do this - especially the ones with mega issues). With me so far?

The older sister is a junior in high school and drives. She'd brought her little sister to our house to hang out with Kitty. Then she recognized Bear from school. She started calling the house to talk to him. She is a large girl, and Bear prefers petite little girls, so he found the older sister annoying, right up until he met her tiny little friend.

So here's where the trouble comes in. Bear is sneaking around to spend unsupervised time with the new girlfriend. The older sister and girlfriend are hanging out here a lot (because I don't let my kids out of my sight - I refuse to become a grandma). Kitty is "bonding" with the older girls.

Kitty is upset with me because I've told her I don't want her hanging out with juniors and seniors in high school (she's only in 8th grade). Nothing against the girls, but Kitty is a mess right now and doesn't need to add to it, plus I'm pretty sure the girls are using her to get closer to Bear. This isn't the first time this has happened. The younger sister doesn't even come over anymore. Also, the girls are nice to Bob too. This sends Kitty into a jealous rage. People are not allowed to like Bob.

Bear is upset with me because he's been busted for lying to me and sneaking around (which he will deny to his dying day). He's also thinking he doesn't need his meds anymore. I've seen some evidence that he's starting to reduce them on his own (unconscious lip movements and irritability).

I need to start channeling Claudia, especially now that I'll have almost all teenagers in the house.

I'm finding that now that I've figured out the key to parenting them {teens}
(you can't control them, no matter what you do, so instruct, consequence, and
observe -- but treat it like a movie that you're watching, and enjoy seeing how
the plot unfolds). Parenting teens by attempting to control them is as foolish
as sitting watching a movie and thinking that by your own will power you can
change then ending.

It's something I need to work on. Probably won't happen for awhile though. I'm still dealing with feeling rundown since I have had to start weaning off my medications. We can't pay for our private health insurance anymore so I can't get my meds or see my doctor. The adopted children are OK because they qualify for Medicaid. The rest of the family are sickeningly healthy.

Better get some sleep. Tomorrow we have to view properties to move our business to, and I'm going to have to take Kitty with me (who will be "BOOORRRED, or take Ponito (to protect him from Kitty). *sigh* Plus I have to be sure to be home at 11am so I don't miss the police officer delivering my summons to small claims court. One of our clients has decided she doesn't like our work so she wants us to refund her money.

PTSD update - Single Parent Saturday

Single parenting and having to shop with 4 kids! HATE it! Hubby is teaching scuba this weekend so doesn't get home until evening.

Our Saturday
by a harried Marythemom

Both Ponito and Kitty woke up at the crack of dawn as usual. Ponito usually watches TV quietly downstairs, but Kitty can't be quiet to save her life! I came downstairs to discover them arguing about whether or not to watch a cartoon (Kid vs Kat). I told them the cartoon was inappropriate and then had to deal with Kitty's first meltdown of the morning. Poor Bob (the only child who sleeps in a downstairs bedroom). I tried to keep Kitty's voice down so Bob could sleep, but as usual, was not very effective.

Kitty tried to storm outside, but since she was dressed in her princess clothes (full-length light colored evening gown with heels) I informed her she couldn't go outside or the dogs would tear up the dress and heels are a no no in the backyard. More pouting and fussing and refusal to change, but she stayed inside.

Ponito decided to eat his leftover cake from dinner the night before. Kitty immediately threw a jealous hissy. I reminded her that there was some chocolate cherry banana bread left, and she eventually decided that it was better than nothing. She threw the whole bag in the microwave to heat it up. *sigh* Then I told her she couldn't eat in her Princess dress. More fussing. Finally she put on a hoodie, zipped it up, and covered her lap with a throw. I was done arguing so said fine, but then discovered that, unlike Ponito, she hadn't had breakfast. More arguing. No snack food until after a good meal! Kitty ate a banana - I didn't realize until later that that was ALL she ate.

At this point, Bob got up (who can sleep with someone screaming and stomping around in heels outside your door?). Bear came downstairs dressed and ready to go after his 1 1/2 hour nap in the bathtub. We all vegged for a short time, doing puzzles and watching cartoons and then got ready to shop.

I informed Kitty she would have to sit in the back seat of the van by herself (thanks Grandma for loaning us the van on weekends when Hubby teaches!). Meltdown #3 or 4?! I've kind of lost track.

Shoe shopping first. Bob and Bear have big holes in their shoes. Ponito got a "new" pair at the thrift store last weekend. I need some black heels for work (I finally got rid of my 10 year old shoes). Kitty claims her shoes are "ruined" too and she needs new ones. I say, "No," because I didn't notice any holes and our budget it tight. Meltdown #4(?).

Shoe store isn't having a sale and doesn't open till 10 anyway so we decide to move on. I decide on a big discount store that has decent prices on shoes (and I need some new bras and they're cheap there). Kitty is still furious and storms off. Meltdown #5(?). She stays several aisles away from me, out of my sight, and this is only our first store! *sigh* Everytime I call her back she steps back into my sight and verbally abuses me, but refuses to return to my side. She's already in the FAIR Club, and I can't stop shopping... so I ignore it as much as possible.

We find shoes for Bob and Bear (Bear ends up buying a size 12 shoe too because he can't stand the thought that his "little" sister has bigger feet than he does - which I don't find out till later). They get matching (ugly) shoes. Goofballs. At least the shoes were only $15 each. I forgot about the bras, must have been a little distracted. *heavy sigh*

Kitty is now bawling, but eventually gets in the car. We move on to Wal-Mart (to get a mop and shoes for me). Bob and Bear lace their shoes, and while we wait for them I go sit near Kitty and try to calm her down. I realize all she's eaten is a banana and decide to get them a snack.

Kitty and Ponito ride in shopping cart (yea, don't have to chase her down!). I buy new shoe laces for Ponito and look for shoes for me, but don't find any. She accuses me of torturing her on purpose. We finally check out and go to the in-store optometrist (Bear desperately needs new glasses, but our insurance won't cover new frames so I'm bargain shopping). Bored kids! A family friend and her 15 year old daughter see us and the kids get to visit briefly.

We sit in the van and have our snack lunch and feed the Grackles (black birds) in the parking lot. Kitty is in a slightly better mood. I realize I should have brought the candy bag for the other kids (we've recently begun "rewarding" the other children when they have to endure a Kitty meltdown).

We go to the local thrift store because they are having a sidewalk sale (everything $.50!). The kids get bored looking through bin after bin and ask to go inside. Kitty is informed that she has to stay with me. Yelling and pouting, but no meltdown. Bear is getting antsy because he is supposed to get to go to his girlfriend's house for a barbecue (yes, I've had LONG conversations about supervision and the mom and I appear to be on the same page).

We start toward home so Bear's girlfriend's mom can pick him up. I'm dreading this because I know we have a little more shopping to do and I'll never get the kids back in the car if we go home. Luckily I got a call from the mom and I offer to drop Bear off. Problem solved. Kitty and the kids get a chance to visit with Bear's girlfriend (whom they all like - surprisingly!), and Ponito runs off some energy in the yard. I have a conversation with the mom about Bear. This girl briefly dated Bear before he went to residential treatment and I wanted the mom to know that yes, he is much better, but of course still needs to be supervised. Bear seems to have made a good choice here.

The kids are all whining about being thirsty and wanting to go home. Someone mentions it Happy Hour at Sonic. $5 is worth it for some peace!

We head for Salvation Army - I'm still desperately looking for a leather sectional (in our price range of less than $75) so our furniture fits in our living room. I do actually find a bra that fits too! 34DDDD *sigh* The whole trip takes less than 10 minutes and the kids are happy. We quickly run through the Goodwill next door too and I finally find shoes! Brand new Isaac Mizrahi and Ann Taylor. Yea me! Bob and Ponito suddenly can't keep from messing with each other and I fuss at them repeatedly.

When we get back to the van I tell Bob she can't sit in the front seat because of her behavior in the store. Instant pout! She refuses to get in the van and storms off. *sigh* Luckily this is my child I trust (even when she's pitching a fit), so I let her calm down while I drive around to the back of the store to pick up the leather ottoman I got for a steal. Then drove back to the front. She's no longer hiding behind a pillar, but is pouting on a couch in front of the store. I open the window and tell her if she wants to spend the night at Grandma's she'll get in the car. That works.

Of course now it occurs to Kitty to ask if she's going to Grandma's. Nope. Luckily, only got arguing, but when she realized that I was car-free (have to give back Grandma's van so she can get the kids to church in the morning), she knew we would be going to my sister's church with her. She likes my sister's church so she calmed down and started bragging to the other kids. *sigh*

Last stop. I had done the Sam's Club shopping Friday morning because we were out of dog food, so I didn't need to make a major trip. I just needed to pick up coffee beans and water for work (we're completely out and no one told me until after I made the shopping trip), DiGiorno pizzas as a treat and Gummy Omega 3 for Ponito which they hadn't had at the other store. The kids like the free samples and free cookie we always get.

Then finally home. Hubby had gotten home about 20 minutes before (his day was almost as rough as mine poor thing!). We vented about our days, and then I went downstairs to make pizzas. Then the real fun began!

Kitty IEP

Kitty's behavior is getting worse and worse. She is having more meltdowns, especially around Hubby. Her PTSD is flaring high, and her issues with men are becoming more and more pronounced. Our theory is that she is behaving so well for the school that when she comes home she is already activated and unable to hold it together anymore. The slightest trigger and she loses it. Luckily she has no homework because she gets it done at school. She does have chores though.

I got a call from one of the school behavior specialists before the meeting, asking me about Kitty's behavior at home. She got an earful! She obviously had a questionnaire she was filling out about what triggered Kitty (everything - but especially men, criticism, being told what to do, and chores), what worked to calm her down (nothing if she is totally activated, staying calm and helping her regulate, and distracting her if she's not that upset), what consequences work (threatening to put her in the FAIR Club and sometimes bribing her - um, I mean, offering positive reinforcement), and what consequences don't work (nothing works if she is totally activated, threats, taking stuff away, guilt...).

Kitty had another IEP/ARD meeting today to review how she's doing (it's been one month). Kitty attended this one which was a little frustrating for us because we don't want to address many issues in front of her. It feels like criticism to her and puts us firmly in the "evil parent" role. I listed our concerns for discussion after she left.

She got her IEP goals. They were pretty basic. Most of the time in the meeting was spent explaining to Kitty what was going on - this was her first IEP meeting. Lots of praise for how well she was doing. She is getting a 75 in Language Arts and we were told that was because she was not turning in her reading log. She has a reading log?! We talked about the fact that she never gives us anything that is sent home and loses and forgets stuff all the time. It was one of her few original IEP goals to help her get organized and set up communication between home and school. Obviously that didn't happen.


The praise of Kitty got very deep. We were told that they didn't see a need for a behavior plan because they weren't seeing any behaviors! They did decide to do one for the one behavior issue she's had at school which is going to the nurse's office with minor complaints that she doesn't really need to see the nurse for. This have already been addressed, but oh well. At one point Hubby tried to clarify something with Kitty and she snapped his head off as usual. Later, the vice principal told her that she was doing really well in school, BUT that if Kitty acted as disrespectful in school as she did to her family just then, then she would be in MAJOR trouble (You GO Ms. G!)

We talked about Kitty's classes. She mentioned a substitute teacher in her theater arts class that she said yelled at the class and was unreasonable in his expectations. I clarified with the administrators after Kitty left that this was an excellent male substitute teacher, and that it was Kitty's perception not reality. So they are seeing her issues, but they are mild because she is still in the honeymoon phase. We did mention that when the theater arts teacher leaves at Spring Break to have her baby, that things will be very interesting if that substitute teacher becomes the new teacher (truthfully Hubby and I are half hoping this will happen so that some of Kitty's issues will be effecting her in school).

School ended and Kitty had to leave to get her stuff and get home with Grandma. Then the real fun began!

We knew that if it didn't have an effect at school we would have difficulty getting our concerns addressed. And Kitty was still firmly in the honeymoon period, but we mentiond the major increase in issues at home and our theory that it was caused by her working so hard to behave at school.

We talked about the books that Kitty has been checking out at school triggering issues for her at home (horror, including "I know what you did last Summer," and violent, gory stuff). The library is actually going to restrict them for her!

We talked about the unfortunate choice of "Men are Slime," as the play that Kitty had to memorize and act in. We were told to talk to the theater art teacher, but there was nothing that could be done now.

Then the school mentioned that they thought Kitty should go to a mainstream Texas History class! Hubby and I freaked! She can barely handle the stress of school as it is! We asked her one mainstream class teacher if Kitty was really doing well in the class since the teacher had mentioned that Kitty had had to leave a few times because the room was too noisy. Plus TX History has a lot of reading and note taking (Kitty has poor writing skills). It looked like we were going to be overruled anyway. Luckily someone brought up the fact that the TX History teacher is male! Suddenly they decided that we would wait until next year, but would let her visit some of the classes of the female teachers when they were doing a fun project. Yea!

When we got home, Kitty had yet another meltdown, over having to do dishes. We are the meanest parents in the world for making our child wash dishes, which she hates more than anything in the world. She once again brought up that she wants her sisters here, but this time said they would be hers and hers alone. I told her that if we adopted her sisters that they would be part of our family. She argued from her seat on the floor with tears dripping down her face. She was so activated it just kept going downhill from there. I wish we could just stop and give her a chance to calm down, but she won't allow it. She just keeps pushing and escalating.

Then I watched Wife Swap. One mom actually inspected her children's teeth brushing with a toothpick. Their list of chores made my list look like nothing, and if they did one thing wrong (which they did pretty much daily) they were made to do drills in the front yard where everyone could see (running laps, push ups, etc.). Step-Dad was in the military service. If it weren't for the horrible cursing I would show it to my kiddos! I'm a good mom, I am!

Life on overwhelm

Saturday we had a family meeting to discuss the fact that the kids are giving Grandma a hard time about doing their chores and are not getting them done. I decided to present them with a list of possible consequences/ rewards and some of the flaws with each one. The kids came to an agreement on rewards and consequences that was pretty reasonable.



Kitty got overwhelmed a few minutes into the meeting - chores and the implied criticism often do that to her. She interrupted constantly, and finally ended up covering her head, moaning and crying and insisting that we were going to starve her (one of the "options" was "no kid chores, no parent chores" - meaning that if you didn't do your chores you had to eat cold food instead of the hot meal prepared, and you couldn't watch TV). We tried to insist that of course we weren't keeping food from her, but she was too activated to hear us.



The other kids were totally frustrated with her. They wanted to get the family meeting over with so we could have lunch. I told Kitty that she needed to go to her room, and we would tell her later how the meeting went. She wouldn't leave and got worse. Finally Hubby stood up to take her to her room, and she managed to get control of herself. I allowed her to stay only on the condition that she no longer participate. She was told that if she interrupted, talked or went back to wailing that she would have to leave the room.



She did calm down. Although she still tried to interrupt several times, she did stop when I told her to quit. She made it through the meeting and even managed to do a couple of small chores before our picnic lunch in the park. After lunch she went grocery shopping with me and stayed calm. She hung out with the neighbor kids and Bear's girlfriend and the gf's friend that came over for an hour or so. All the kids stayed with Grandma overnight as usual on Saturday and went to church with her Sunday morning.



My sister came back from a 2 week business trip in Singapore on Friday and brought all the kids presents. Kitty called Hubby and I to see when we were going to get to Grandma's for lunch. When we arrived she came running out to the car to show us the hair clip she'd gotten. She even allowed hugs from me.



Bear had his new girlfriend over again this afternoon. Everyone has been complaining that I make the same dishes over and over and they're tired of them, so I made a list of some new dishes to try and today I decided to make Hawaiian meatballs (Bear's choice). Had to have side dishes too so we had Ginger Squash, a Pineapple Sweet Potato Casserole, rice, and Virgin Pina Coladas to drink. Plus an Almond Peach fruit cake for dessert.



Ponito volunteered to help. After awhile I realized I needed more help so I called everyone in (including the gf). We had fun mixing together all the ingredients. The gf invited Bear to come out to dinner with her family, but I nixed it. First of all, dinner was his choice, and second, I still don't trust him without Hubby or I supervising. Gf stayed for dinner, but didn't eat?!



Kitty got hyper and giggly. She started using her barking laugh that sounds like she is having an asthma attack. Everyone was teasing everyone and Kitty couldn't stop laughing (I think she couldn't really handle the teasing either). After dinner it was Kitty's turn to do dishes, and that's when the trouble began.



Kitty hates doing chores. Particularly dishes. I stayed in the kitchen to keep her company which sometimes helps, but so did Hubby, which sometimes makes it worse. As usual she ended up having a major meltdown. She whined, threw things, made a big mess, tried to talk her way out of it, raged and cussed. We were sympathetic and calm, but did not allow her to stop doing dishes. Eventually she threatened to accuse us of child abuse (because of course forcing a child to do dishes is child abuse!), accused us of not listening to her (we told her repeatedly that we do listen, but that doesn't mean she's going to get her way), threatened to run away (lost her shoes on that one - which of course makes her rage more), told Hubby he was evil and mean and how much she hates this family, and threatened to hurt herself.



We repeatedly and calmly redirected her to do the dishes. Explained it was taking her longer to argue and throw a fit then to do the dishes. She tried to run away. Hubby stopped her and she immediately tried to bite him, hit and pinch him. I don't really know what to do about her men issues. Family issues we just keep plugging away at, but the men issues seem to be getting worse. She's blaming everything on poor Hubby, including her family issues.



I think it might be time to start attachment therapy again, but with Hubby not me. I don't know how much more poor Kitty (and Hubby) can take.

What to do?!

Not sure how much more I can take.

Kitty is still not stable. Every day she has a meltdown (or three). Today she was vocal about not wanting to do it (and how nobody cares about her), but actually did her school work (she had been told she definitely could not go back to school if she doesn't). No school tomorrow either though.

She is also constantly hungry and demanding sugary sweets (it's actually pretty common for her to ask for things she can't have when she is trying to distract herself from stuff she's upset about). We eat a very health conscious diet. No real limits on food, but almost everything available is whole wheat, low fat and low sugar, lots of fruits and veggies. Kitty constantly wants us to take her out to eat and to go buy her junk food (how do you convince a child you have NO money without scaring her). She is constantly talking about how she is “used” to sweets and junk food (after only 5 days).

Finally got hold of her psychiatrist and requested that we try upping her ADHD meds (was suggested by the psychiatric hospital). We'll pick up the new prescription tomorrow, and she can start it Friday morning. The psychiatrist said it depends on why she's acting this way. If it really is the ADHD, then this should make things better. If it's the bipolar disorder, then this will make things much worse.

Work is really stepping up. All my hiding and vegging on the internet is no longer possible. I really hope this means the money is going to start coming in. Having Kitty at work everyday is very difficult. She can't be quiet (singing, whining, fussing), she can't stop complaining, and she doesn't want to be there or do her schoolwork so she is often arguing at a level the whole building can hear.

Took Bear to therapy to discuss biomom's visit. We will be working on a list of ground rules for biomom that I will send to her. Luckily the therapist had two appointments available on that day. Biomom will meet with therapist, and then Hubby, therapist and I. We'll take a break for lunch (separately), pick up Bear and then meet up again in the therapist's office.

The therapist added to the warnings that Kitty is not going to easily understand why she can't see biomom. He suggested that Kitty's therapist might want to meet with biomom. He also suggested that Kitty might want to make a list of things that she wants me to ask biomom about. This seems like something good to offer Kitty. I just know she's going to be upset no matter what we do. Maybe I should just let her see biomom, after making sure biomom agrees to follow some ground rules, and then deal with the fall out.

I still don't know if I'm making the right decision here. If only the timing were different. Kitty starts public school the day after biomom's visit. I'm half tempted to say we could do it anyway. She hasn't seen biomom in over 4 years. (Biomom snuck in to see Bear's games and practices, practically stalking him, so he saw her last 2 years ago, just before he moved to Texas). She didn’t have that kind of opportunity with Kitty that I know of. Bear is pretty adamant that he is not emotionally bothered by any of this. He really has matured. His RAD is definitely showing though he appears to be completely unemotional about biomom, and talks about how little time he spent with her as he was growing up.

Kitty's ARD (IEP meeting) to discuss available services for her when she starts public school) will be on Friday the 16th. Biomom comes Monday the 19th. Public school starts Tuesday the 20th.

And now for the fireworks

Christmas was quiet, but I should have known we weren't going to get off that easily. It could just be that I'm not home all day (I know Grandma, our childcare provider, would say they're always like this).

Because Kitty has missed so much school (due to starting a month late, daily "illnesses", being a slow worker, and days we take her out of school for assessments and mental health days) she had schoolwork to do over the Christmas break. Her sister, Bob, did too. Bob counted all the pages each girl had to do and divided by the number of days of break (not counting weekends). Kitty ended up with 20+ pages. She had Christmas day off, and hasn't been doing all her pages every day so she is behind, again. This morning I let everyone have the morning off and then start on chores. Kitty was to start on school work.

So my oppositional-defiant 13 year old daughter came to me about half an hour later and ranted for about 10 minutes. This is a typical pre-meltdown conversation. If I'm lucky, I can keep her calm enough not to have a true meltdown, and if I work it out just right I can actually get her to do/fix/calm down about some if not all of whatever it is she's upset about.

So you can picture the scene: Kitty comes up to me, kind of out of the blue, while I'm answering my e-mail (more on that later). She has a defiant look on her face and is clearly upset. This is just the highlights of the conversation. It was a lot more involved, but I don't remember it all and won't bore you with all the details (I know, I know, too late!). EVERY bit of it was interspersed with "You hate me. You don't care about me," but that gets repetitive so I won't bore you with it either.

There was No way I am EVER going to do my schoolwork. (I calmly sympathized that it is hard and I understand that she doesn't like it, but it has to be done.)

Schoolwork is NOT hard! she claims she was not thinking well on the day they did diagnostics and now she's having to relearn all that stuff and she doesn't want to relearn it - that's stupid. (I told her if she really felt that way we could have her take another diagnostic like they did last year. She didn't want to do this.)

I hate math and I'm not going to do it. (I reminded her that everyone needs math. I use it everyday. I confirmed she still wanted to be a doctor - which of course means she needs to continue school, math in particular...).

You're an idiot if you think I'm going to do any schoolwork again and you can't make me. (I admit I got a little frustrated at this point and spoke firmly about calling me names. I warned her that if she didn't do her school work she would go to work with me - where she would have to do schoolwork. She calmed down a little so I was able to switch back to "nurturing mode." I told her that she can't drop out of school. That she didn't want to be 14 and held back to 5th or 6th grade...).

I'm just the kind of girl who doesn't do schoolwork. (I reminded her that she has been doing well in school for the last year and a half).

I'm going to go emo. (I hear this a lot and she knows how I feel about it. I told her that I would have to assume that someone/something was negatively influencing her and would start taking away TV shows, makeup, music...)

You hate me. You don't care about me. I'm going to crawl in a box and not eat. You want me to be in a box and die. (I told her I love her even if she doesn't believe that right now. That she can only know how she feels, not how I feel. That if I didn't love her I wouldn't care if she was in a box.)

It is STUPID that I have to work on vacation. (I pointed out that she was behind and needed to catch up. That she had been sick a lot this year - not my fault either - and that it was much less work than she did on a daily basis in school. She did not have to spend "ALL" day doing school work. That it really wouldn't take that long...)

I want to go back to my old school in Nebraska where I didn't have to do this. (when I pointed out that it wasn't me that pulled her out of school in Nebraska she declared we should have moved to Nebraska to adopt her. Just because I hate snow was no reason not to live there. I pointed out that I also didn't want to move to Nebraska because I loved my home, my friends and family that live here, and we own a company that cannot be moved to Nebraska.)

Toward the end of the "conversation" she asked me if Dad was home yet. I said no, but I expected him home in 30 to 45 minutes. She said she was going to work on her homework until he got home, but then she was stopping for the day (and there was nothing I could do about it). She left. I almost called Hubby and told him to stay at work a little longer.

About 20 minutes later she returned and told me that she'd done some work and could she stop and take a break and go outside? We talked for a little bit about what all needed to get done (in which subjects she had the most pages to do). Then I said sure. She could go outside for 10 minutes, but then she needed to come back in and do 3 pages of math and 3 of word building. She had a snack. Went outside. Came back in, and verified that she only had to do 6 pages and she was done for the day. I said no. When she was done with the six pages we would talk. She left and did it.

Success! No meltdown. No regression to fight, flight, or freeze mode. AND some actual schoolwork done!

Veggie no more!

I'd be more excited about Kitty giving up vegetarianism if I hadn't just bought a bunch of expensive tofu and meat substitutes. Tuesday night we had a family favorite - Poppyseed Chicken. It's super easy to make and the kids love it. Kitty got Poppyseed Tofu and thought it nasty.



Poppy Seed Chicken

4-6 chicken breasts boiled and chopped into bitesized pieces.

2 cans of Cream of Chicken soup (I use Healthy Request or the low fat kind)
1 4 oz container Sour Cream (I use fat free or fat free yogurt works too)
1 TBS Poppy seeds

I stick melted butter or enough milk to moisten crackers
1 tube Ritz crackers (I use whole grain or low fat)

Heat oven to 350. Mix chicken, soup, sour cream and poppy seeds in casserole dish. In a bowl, mix butter or milk with crushed Ritz crackers. Spread cracker crumbs over the top of the casserole. Bake about 45 minutes or until bubbly and crackers are lightly browned.

Poppy Seed Tofu

Substitute Cream of mushroom soup for the Cream of Chicken. Substitute extra firm tofu for the chicken.

This is apparently inedible. So save it for tomorrow's meal - Beef Stroganoff.


Beef Stroganoff

Mix ground beef, sour cream or yogurt and Cream of Mushroom soup. Serve with noodles - watch it all disappear.

Fake Meat Stroganoff - so nasty it makes vegetarians convert!

Scrape the cracker crumbs off the top of the Poppyseed Tofu and throw away. Carefully remove as much of the tofu as you can from the remaining goo. Rinse the tofu for another meal. Add vegetarian ground beef to the Cream of Mushroom yogurt mixture and heat. Serve over noodles. Watch your vegetarian child take one bite, throw it all away and serve herself the Beef Stroganoff.

Chicken Tofu Stir Fry

Take leftover tofu from Poppy Seed Tofu, add to cubed chicken breasts. In a skillet cook the chicken and tofu with soy sauce and garlic powder until chicken is fully cooked. In a small cup mix cornstarch and orange-flavored sugar-free drink mix (because 2 family members are allergic to oranges) - add to skillet. Add one can cranberry sauce and mix well. Add leftover veggies and stir fry veggies. Simmer until rice is done. Serve with rice (because kids won't allow you to serve it over rice). Be shocked and amazed that no one comments on the tofu (not even you notice it). Maybe you will be able to mix the fake meat in with the rest and get rid of it that way!

Yea! I don't have to worry about Kitty being a vegetarian anymore. Now all I have to deal with are the meltdowns caused by recent changes in her meds. We're removing Geodon and adding Seroquel. The Seroquel is not at a high enough dose yet apparently.

Chef Mary