This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Porn

Just found nasty porn pics on the printer. Apparently the printer wasn't working right when Bear printed them so they printed out later, where luckily Hubby found them instead of one of the other kids.

Went on the kids' computer and discovered Bear's joined many porn sites, is communicating with birth family and found his way around the security program we'd installed (to prevent them viewing porn and other inappropriate sites).

So I went online and changed all of his passwords (he'd given them to me years ago and apparently never bothered to change them) for his e-mails, Facebook, Myspace, and the porn sites. I'm sure I didn't get them all, but he's going to be one ticked off kid when he figures it out. Of course none of them are supposed to exist, so technically he can't complain.

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Hubby decided to confront him on all of this instead of letting him figure it out. *sigh* I wasn't there when they talked, but as usual Hubby asked him to admit what he did (which of course Bear didn't couldn't do). Then Hubby told him what we know. Which of course Bear denied, and said was a mistake, and said he didn't know... and generally... lied... big shock. Hubby is pretty much incapable of consequencing Bear for anything unless: Bear confesses, he caught Bear red handed or he has incontrovertible proof (and even then, if Bear still blatantly denies it, Hubby tries to convince Bear it would be better for him if he admited the truth, which of course doesn't happen).

Still, the end result is the same. Bear thinks he "got away with it," because he argued his way around it" (and therefore will be very angry at the consequences) and Hubby is mad at Bear but won't do anything because he doesn't have "proof," and I do the actual consequencing which makes Bear mad at me. The news this time is that Hubby knew I'd already invoked the consequences before he confronted Bear (so it was too late for Hubby to say I shouldn't), and sweet Hubby told Bear that it was Hubby's idea. Often Bear knows it was all my idea anyway, but this time he may not.

So no FAIR Club type consequencing. Bear will most likely just have to start all over if he wants e-mail, Facebook, or porn accounts. Presumably he'll use different passwords. I left his accounts open for most so he'll have to use different names.

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Did I mention that both girls have Facebook accounts too? Kitty had just gotten hers. I discovered this by going on birthmom's Facebook account and on her wall she'd mentioned that now all of her children have Facebook accounts. Bear had "friended" Kitty so I was able to access her account. She had the name of her high school with graduation date on there too. (Bob has that, plus her hometown on there).

Here's the reasons I gave Kitty for why it was a bad idea for her to have a Facebook account:

  1. By friending Bear - EVERYone who is his friend has access to her account.
  2. Biofamily now know where she lives and what school she goes to (Bear does not keep this secret, and even if he did, their friends don't).
  3. By refusing to "friend" biofamily that doesn't mean they won't be able to read your page.
  4. She's put pictures on there so everyone knows what she looks like now.
  5. You can't control what your friends write. They can give out even more personal details of your life.
  6. What others write can be totally inappropriate. Biomom has a conversation about incest in the family on her wall. The picture of one of Bear's "uncles" is of his girlfriend and practically porn.
  7. Even I now know almost every detail of Kitty's relationship ups and downs with her ex- boyfriend.

Kitty gave me her passwords and allowed me to close her account. I talked to Bob about it, but while she knows I don't approve, I don't have the same reasons for asking her to close the account and she has chosen not to. I don't feel I have the right to ask it of her. What do you think? Should kids have Facebook accounts?

4 comments:

Lynn said...

My oldest kid has a FB account. I wouldn't let him get it until he was 13 though. (So many get theirs even younger - they just lie about their age.)

I wasn't particularly thrilled with the idea. But, I personally have to almost live on the computer. Working from home as a graphic artist means the computer is front and center. And since all our family lives over 1200 miles away, I love FB for staying in touch with them. For me, I didn't want to seem two-faced about letting him on FB. I figured I would rather try to monitor him a little than make him mad and have him try to go do it behind my back.

So, I heavily rely on our computer rules. At all times my children need to let me know "who they're with, where they're at, and what they're doing". This applies to internet use as well. Before they get on, they have to let me know what sites they're planning on visiting. They're only allowed on the computer while in a "public" place in the house (ie: the living room). Very rarely do we let our oldest take the laptop to his room.

The situation isn't perfect. Several times our oldest woke up (or stayed up - we're not sure) in the middle of the night and came downstairs to get on the computer when no one was around. And yes, he was surfing a porn site that he had heard about in middle school.

Porn scares me more than FB does. But I know I can't shelter him from the computer completely. So we consequenced and moved forward.

In our case we're not dealing with adoption issues as well. Our oldest is a bio kid. That part of your story sounds very messy indeed. I'm not sure how I'd handle it. Contact with the birth family via the internet could certainly cause problems!

There are days when I wish I had "that island" out in the middle of nowhere!

marythemom said...

Lynn - yea, biokids and FB are a different story. I don't have a problem with being "two-faced" about FB though. I figure as an adult I know how to follow the privacy rules and make good decisions my teens and their friends are not ready for yet.

I don't use FB myself though. I tried it, and it was fun, and nice to reconnect with some family members, but I do enough on the computer without it, and then biomom found me pretty quickly so I closed my account.

The kids' computer is in a main room, but not readily visible from where I usually sit, and Hubby never looks up. This is going to change.

The problem with removing the computer completely is that school nowadays pretty much requires a computer (that's why Bob has a laptop). Even the kids' math books are only available on the computer (so they don't have to lug them around). PowerPoints and reports, research on Google, teachers e-mailing them review sheets. It's nuts.

Plus, the kids (especially Bear) can and do access the internet at school. Also, I wouldn't be surprised if Bear wasn't coming down in the middle of the night (well early morning after I've gone to bed) since that's apparantly when he comes down and raids the kitchen.

Mary

Integrity Singer said...

oh, I have this one! Ok, last week I got a newsletter that addresses this very issue of feeling like you have to be judge and jury to prove a child has lied but the psychologist that wrote the article said, NOT SO! try this:

"Regardless of what you have told me, I feel like I've been lied to about this."

and you can say other totally awesome psychological mumbo jumbo like "when I feel lied to it shows me that you are not mature enough for privileges, etc. etc." and then throw in the consequence

then finish it off with,
"You and I both know your life will be less complicated and have fewer problems if you stop leaving the people that care about you feeling like you are always lying to them."

SO awesome, yes?
I have already used this on Sissy. GOLD. GOLD! She caved at "I feel like I've been lied to."

marythemom said...

Ooh I saw your post on this and loved it! Hubby and I had yet another talk about this just this morning, and he just can't get past it... still. Can't hurt to forward him this comment though. Thanks!

Mary