This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Last Response


I think I finally figured out where a lot of the confusion about the Boarder’s Agreement is coming from - Despite the "legalese," this was never intended to be a legal document.  No notary was used.  No court will ever be involved.  This is intended to be an "impressive" document for Kitty (and someday, possibly, Bear) that she will hopefully respect  - causing her to argue a little less about  having to follow the rules(to the best of her abilities).  I have always known she will never be able to follow these rules completely, and I would only enforce them where/when it seems appropriate and based on her current mental state and abilities.   Maybe this isn’t the perfect choice for Kitty.  I’ve tried lots of other things that didn’t work.  Maybe NOTHING will work, but right or wrong this is how I've chosen to handle this.  Nothing less has worked.  I figured it couldn't hurt.

Yes, this is a "bad deal" for an adult tenant.  No, of course I would not accept it myself from any landlord, nor would I even attempt to offer this to an adult tenant.  The part you are ignoring is that Kitty is NOT a normal tenant. Anyone who reads my blog knows that.  She IS a dependent.  If she gets SSI she’ll have to have a representative payee.  She needs someone to fill out forms, get her services, make sure she takes care of herself… just because we cannot afford legal guardianship, does not mean she doesn't need it. We've had to adapt.

I'm not "struggling to accept her as a sovereign adult." I'm not struggling at all.  She's not one.  I accept that (you don't have to).

My moral obligation as Kitty’s parent is to try to help Kitty keep from permanently hurting herself or damaging her future.  No matter what, I will continue to give Kitty the loving structure and support she needs.  That means if/when she comes back, the house rules will be in place.  I know in my heart that this is what is best for my children.

It sucks that being a therapeutic parent is already so hard, and on top of that it exposes me to judgmental people who see our lives and make assumptions.  Sometimes I’m not sure why I open myself up to criticism by blogging, but my goal has always been to help other parents of kids with special needs to feel less alone.

I don't know most (if any) of the people who have commented over the last few days, but I understand that I invited them in to part of my life.  It doesn’t make hearing their negative comments hurt any less.  I'm done defending myself, especially since it doesn’t seem to be making much of a difference in other’s perception.

This will be my last response to all of this.  I need to go back to focusing my energy on my family and my new job.  Thanks to all who offered constructive advice, and even those who just had good intentions.


Suz said...

I am still totally impressed with you as a mom. Besides all the regular stuff like loving, supporting, feeding, clothing, you should get a huge trophy for sticktoitiveness. I'm sure it's not common in cases like Kitty, not that it's her fault she's so hard to parent. Kudos!

Miz Kizzle said...

Still puzzed. The boarder agreement was just supposed to be "impressive," and Kitty wasn't expected to understand it? You could have printed out the Magna Carta if all you wanted was an impressive document, and saved yourself a lot of time and effort.
I'm not trying to be insulting. I work with contracts all the time, and yours was unlike any I ever encountered. I'm sorry if you are displeased by some of the comments you've gotten. You ask for "words of affirmation," but criticism is often more helpful that the boring old "you're an awesome mom!" Gentle criticism, that is.

Leah said...

I think it is hard for some people to accept that some problems can't really be made right. And when they can't be made right, it can be really hard to assess what is helping and what is hurting the situation. Anyway, boundaries and emotional warmth always tend to "do well" when it comes to studies about parenting regardless of the specific question being researched. For most of us a lot of that can go unsaid and little needs reinforcing and when it is the complete opposite, yes it is going to look bizarre. I wish your family a lot of luck and recognise the personal sacrifices you've made to parent.

marythemom said...

THAT Anonymous - Ok, I know I said I wasn't going to respond to anymore of these, but this is such patent b.s. I can't help myself.

"she does not like you because of the way you treat her."
Kitty's perception of how she is treated is based on her past and her disabilities. You know NOTHING of how I treat her, except for some assumptions based on what you've read on my blog - which sometimes admittedly includes a lot of my frustration; however, I try my best to keep from effecting my life with her (No, of course I can't completely keep this from her, but one reason I belong to support groups is reality checks - trying to make sure I'm being the best parent I can be.)

"Your so-called fair club did not work for either of your adopted children and you are unable and unwilling to try anything else."
I've tried a TON of other things - where do you think I got most of the resources on my blog? The FAIR Club is what worked best for us at the time. If you really have been reading my blog for years, and you had some suggestions on what fantastic, no-fail method you've found that would work with my kids, then you should have shared!

"And yes, I actually do have a degree in a mental health field
I too thought my psychology and social work degrees and all my experience meant I knew what would be best for other people and would be able to handle my kids. All I can say is that it's NOTHING like living 24/7 with severely traumatized, mentally ill, teenagers.

"money you stole from him."
What money did we steal from him?! He never got SSI (when he was finally eligible he was in jail, and you can't claim SSI if someone is providing all your support - another reason to charge Kitty rent). We never charged him rent (he was still in high school when he left). We never took the money he made from his job or thefts.

If you're referring to the adoption subsidy, that was never his- nor would it have been in his best interest for us to give it to him. If you have problems with foster and adoptive parents receiving subsidies then you'll have to take that up with the government.

"Many of your readers remember the blog pages you wiped after Bear discovered your blog."
I deleted most of these blog pages after I discovered Biomom was reading my blog. I wanted to try to mend my relationship with her (as the biological mother of my children), and some of the posts I had made were not flattering to her. I deleted all of the pictures to better preserve my children's privacy, after I realized that my blog was more public and searchable than I realized.

No, we did not "fix" or heal our children. Yes, I thought we could, and it hurt a lot that we couldn't. It's taken me a long time to accept that. Now I am trying to figure out what/how I want to proceed and I've opened myself up to ask others. Maybe foolishly.

Yes, criticism hurts me. I've tried to accept it and incorporate what I could into helping my children. There's been a lot of constructive criticism on the last few posts, and over the years too. Unlike other though, yours feels like a personal attack. Why is that? What's it to you? Do you have a personal stake in this?

I hope that by sharing our journey we've helped others, if not help heal their children then at least provide some emotional support in the knowledge that they are not alone. I will continue blogging.

Oh, and my apologies to all the other Anonymous commenters for lumping you in with this "troll."

Ranger said...

Mary, this IS the troll who's been going after other trauma mom blogs lately. I'm sure of it, the bullshit being levelled at you is almost identical as to what was levelled at the other blog, down to the phrasing and choice of words. This person has a major problem. From watching this happen in the exact same way on another blog, the troll feeds off spitting out bile and damnation about anything you blog you thought, said or did for your child, and no amount of explaining or rebuttal or treating these comments as though they are any genuine request for information or interaction ends it. This person gets off on the kick of spitting out hate and attack at people and especially upsetting people. The platform and any reason in a post for their bile is all they want, and I suspect getting any reaction is a big bonus: they're not listening to a word you say.

I suggest blocking the URL or simply deleting those comments unread, all you can do is starve this troll of attention. I'm so sorry you're currently one of this very troubled and tedious person's playthings.

marythemom said...

Thanks, Ranger! You're right. I will no longer publish "That Anonymous"'s comments.

TexasJoy said...

A new job? That sounds exciting! Good luck to you! :)

r. said...

Just as an FYI, no notary is necessary for a lease agreement in Texas. Whether it was intended to have legal effect or not, what you and Kitty signed was in fact a contract. There are several provisions that are questionable in terms of enforceability, but neither the lack of notary nor your subjective intent at the time of signing are enough to nullify it.