This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Simple Rules for Adult Children Living at Home

Simple Rules for Adult Children Living at Home 
by the amazing Kathleen Benckendorf 
shared with permission

  1. Anyone living at home as an adult needs to have a spirit of cooperation and submission, NOT a contrary, self-serving spirit. Loophole seekers should find another place to live… example: "misunderstanding" directions/rules is not a valid excuse.
  2. You’re an adult. You’re responsible for managing your own life and responsibilities. We’re here to help and give advice, but mistakes or poor judgment on your part should not be turned into a crisis or emergency on our part. 
  3. Be honest and trustworthy.
  4. Participate in family life and activities.
  5. No illegal behavior.
  6. No behavior that potentially endangers other family members or causes any family member to feel threatened or frightened. 
  7. Be considerate of other family members and their possessions; be a good steward of the resources made available to you. 
  8. Make forward progress on your life. (School, job, and/or significant emotional / maturity growth) Spend more time developing yourself than wasting brain cells… example: If you are spending more than two hours per day (combined) on TV, video games, texts, or facebook; then you are probably not making progress. 
  9. Be a Net Positive – contribute more than you “cost” us, whether $ or stress or work or whatever.  
  10. If you are paying reduced or no rent, you must be a good steward of your own finances and you must be accountable to Mom & Dad for your income and spending. 
  11. It’s not your house. Get permission before altering anything (hanging things on walls, painting, etc.), or changing the status quo in any way (getting a pet, having friends over, etc.).  
  12. Life isn’t fair. Do what’s right, regardless. We don’t keep score. Do more than what you think is your share. If everybody does that, everything gets done and done right. If you only try to do what you think is fair: then it is usually not enough, nothing gets completed, and the task is left for Mom and Dad to finish… which earns you almost no credit for what you did do. 


Sia said...

Just a few minor nitpicks:

1)I think there's a difference between "misunderstanding" and genuine misunderstanding. One's a result of poor communication, the other's loophole abuse. Not that people shouldn't seek clarification but as a species, we're RUBBISH at communicating.

8)Yeah, I just spent two and a half hours on the computer. Thing is, I was on Khan Academy. I was learning how to tell analogue time...something I hadn't figured out until took me more than two hours. Also, have you seen games for change?

11)I dunno. I think there's a difference between hanging a poster and changing the wallpaper.

Lisa said...

No complaints from this mama!! I have been saying all these things for the past decade (my oldest is 28 and has moved in and out a few times as have several of his sibs) and yet still feel like I need to copy this and hand it to a few kids here. I have a few kids who seem to find a way to distort my requests and guidelines for their own purposes and I find myself defending our rules to all those "helpful" people out there who tell my kids what they want to hear.

Thank you for posting this - I need to see that it's not just me with these expectations.