This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

"Run Kitty Run."

Kitty has decided to go live with biofamily to rescue/ protect her little sisters.  The therapist and I suggested she just visit biofamily for a week or two to see if she could handle the triggers of being around Biomom and sisters, before she moved in permanently.

Originally Biomom was going to come to Kitty's graduation ceremony and drive Kitty back North.  The idea of the trip, when combined with the stress of work and graduating high school, combined with all the pressure from Kitty's friends to demand adult privileges, was too much for Kitty and she cancelled the trip.  Biomom didn't make it to graduation, but continued to pressure Kitty to move.

I took a deep breath, pulled up my big girl panties, and decided to drive Kitty up to visit for a week and a half while the kids and I visited other family.   Unfortunately there were some events that made me feel that the environment was unsafe for Kitty, so I cancelled our trip.  In Kitty's black and white world, if I had take Kitty she would have assumed she had my blessing (no matter what I actually said).  I do not bash Biomom to Kitty, but I will protect Kitty from what I see as a danger to her mental  (and also physical) health.

Kitty decided to take her graduation money and purchase a one-way ticket to move in with biofamily.  Biomom has offered to support her free of charge.  We have no idea how Kitty will handle not having insurance (she can't remain on our private insurance if she's not our dependent, and won't have Medicaid unless/ until she gets SSI.  She will have no money (she'll wipe out all her income for the next two weeks buying an iPhone), and I will not be able help her access services and medications at that distance.  I will update and send all her documentation of course.  Hopefully Biomom can help her access free services and medications (without insurance her meds alone are about $1800 a month).

I feel I've done all I can.

We do not feel that this is a good choice for Kitty, but we'll still be here for Kitty.  If she hits a wall, she hits a wall.  She knows she'll always be able to come back home, and she knows that if/when she does that there will be rules and structure.


Miz Kizzle said...

What does she think she needs to rescue or protect her sisters from? If it really is an unsafe environment (I'm picturing everything from a basement meth lab to sketchy characters drifting in and out) then she's walking right into disaster. At the very least, she's going to be without a job, with no transportation and no way to pay for her meds. After the newness of family reunion wears off, she'll be what? An unpaid babysitter?
I can't help wishing you'd gotten legal guardianship for her. And her hit-and-miss use of birth control is very disturbing.

Anonymous said...

If you adopted her, then I don't think you can legally take Kitty off your insurance until she is in her 20's. She is your child and your responsibility no matter where she lives or who she lives with. It's the law. You know this, right?

marythemom said...

Miz K - Kitty was adopted from foster care. I don't feel it's appropriate to tell you details about birth family's current situation. Two things to remember - mental illness is genetic and Kitty's trauma issues come from trauma. Suffice it to say that technically Kitty knows that she will not be able to fix things for her siblings, but she wants to. She has a lot of idealized memories of her past (that this might help to resolve) and has a tender heart for the sisters that she lost (the older two were about 4 and 7 I think when she saw them last, and the youngest was born after Kitty's adoption). Due to distance, finances, hospitalizations, instability... she's only seen/met her sisters once since leaving foster care.

After the newness of family reunion wears off, I have no idea what will happen. If she gets SSI then she could be a "bread winner" for the family. She could easily be expected to be a live-in babysitter.

Anonymous - our insurance requires her to be a dependent. If she gets SSI, she will no longer be our dependent, as we cannot claim her as such on our taxes. If she moves out and is not a full-time college student, she is no longer a dependent - especially if someone else claims her on their taxes. This is what Hubby was told by the HR department for his new contract job.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure that along with reinstating the structure and rules if she returns home, that you'll also warmly welcome her back with open arms, to show her that she is still loved, was missed, but that you're glad to have her back, right? I hope things work out well for her, whatever she chooses to do. For now, enjoy your time with Bob.