This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Monday, January 12, 2009

From a biochild's point of view

The following is the tear-jerking report that Bob wrote for her school report (they may write on any subject). The school's office manager comforted her and offered to let Bob spend the weekend with her family (she has a high school age daughter that Bob is close to). I let Bob spend Friday night with them (she had a great time) and then Saturday I kept Bob home and sent the rest of the kids to Saint Grandma's (I don't know why she's so good to us!). We made plans, baked cookies, ate raw cookie dough, slept in, and had fun. After lunch at Grandma's (Of which Bear did most of the cooking. It was total yum!), Hubby got all of the kids and I took Bob shopping. We got a few school clothes at the $1.99 thrift store and found a tall file cabinet that would make a great new dresser for her room (now that she wears big sizes, and since she refuses to hang up her clothes, she needed a second dresser to fit her things). She loves the fact that the file cabinet is metal so she can decorate it with magnets, and it has label slots. We rearranged the room and are getting to the point where we can start painting

Bob's Report 1/7/09

Friday, Kitty threw a tantrum. A big one. A few Saturdays before that she had talked about running away and suicide. She said back home her little sisters worshipped her and she was mad because I (Bob) didn't. I'm like: " How and why would I even begin to worship you when you throw huge fits?"

Kitty was going to a hospital and all day with Mom and Dad on my day (she and I had planned to work on redecorating her room), and we hadn't even started because "someone" had to throw a tantrum because she didn't want to do her school work she should have done earlier.

When my mom told me we wouldn't be at (private school) much longer because we are short on money, I had to tell my best friend. Kitty thought I was gossiping about her, and my mom had to tell her we might go to public school. That night my mom yelled at me because she thought I had deliberately told Kitty.

My mom hasn't told me a secret at all since then. My dad came and told me that they had agreed that it was too big a secret for someone to keep, and they should forget about it, but my mom didn't; she's still mad.

Kitty threw another tantrum yesterday about school work. Unfortunately, that kicked everyone out of the house again. the day Kitty came back home was Monday. My mom was so mad. That day me and my grandma went and bought black sheets to put in Kitty's room as curtains. Mom came and told us to give them to Bear (I didn't actually want Bear to have them. I wanted them to return them, but then realized they had already started sewing them.) because Kitty just got back from a hospital for depression and walked away.

My Dad and Ponito I rarely see. Ponito is always with his friends outside or upstairs and Dad's always at work. When they come home they argue. (I'm not actually sure who "they" are. It could mean Hubby and I fussing at the kids, but we don't argue or fight. We're weird that way). They argued a few weeks ago. They argue in the car and at home and on the streets.

I feel like my entire family hates everyone around them. A few days ago my mom said, "Kitty doesn't trust anyone." Last night my Grandma said, "I don't think she knows what love is." and I feel really sad and scared. I'm scared for Kitty that she might go over the edge. I'm scared for Ponito because he is so young, and if this goes on he might learn that if he throws tantrums he can go to some place with fattening foods that lets you stay up until 10. I'm scared for myself because what if I make one mistake and Kitty if she doesn't trust me now I wonder what she'll do when I find out she doesn't love me. (Don't worry, this sentence doesn't make sense to me either!) I guess I've gotten used to it. Everyone arguing and assuming. Getting used to it isn't the same as trying to fix it, though.

Sometimes I think Kitty would be better off in her world, going from foster home to foster home, not really knowing what it is like to be loved. My grandma said that he was used to going to a home, having them get her something, throwing a tantrum and moving on. But that wouldn't work because when she is 18 she will be out on the streets alone, poor and helpless. Because she had moved so much she wouldn't be there long enough to have a job, make friends or learn anything like cooking and sewing.

I'm sad and scared, but after going from oldest child to youngest middle, seeing fight after fight going on, having to sleep in my parents' room it got so bad, being locked in their room with a little brother and a paranoid sister (One evening early on in the placement, Bear was raging while Bob was watching a movie in our room. Kitty was upset and woke up Ponito, got him out of bed, and took him into our bedroom with Bob and locked the door).

Kitty and Bear have both left before and Kitty is trying to leave again. What would you do if you had a sister who didn't trust or love you and was trying to leave, a brother you never see and when you do he is arguing (I think she means Ponito here, I find it interesting that she doesn't mention Bear), a dad who is never home and always argues when he is, a mom who doesn't trust you, doesn't tell you anything, and is always mad at everyone?

I warned you it was a tear jerker! Nothing can make you feel worse than your child holding up a mirror. So I am working on slowing things down, taking deep breaths, trying to get more sleep, and spending more time with Bob. After yesterday's shopping trip though, Kitty about exploded with jealousy. She demanded more clothes even though her wardrobe is huge, and last time we went shopping I took her and Bear and not Bob. *sigh*

1 comment:

Kelly said...

Wow. It's hard to know how adopting and in our case right now fostering will effect our bio children. Mine are pretty open and have voiced at times their frustrations. It's good for them to get things out and now you know how she feels and can help her work through this. Hope things improve with Kitty soon.