After picking up my car, I decided to do a bit of quick Cmas shopping before running home. So when Kitty came home hot, I wasn't there. Poor Hubby. He's having trouble talking about it, and Kitty's version is distorted, but...
The gist: Kitty walked in the door and told Hubby she was refusing to go to therapy. He insisted. He called her a liar (trigger for her because she prefers to see herself as truthful and in her black and white world, she basically is truthful) because she's been pretending there's nothing wrong with her to everyone but family, and she apparently told him she's faking it at home to get to go to the hospital. She cussed him out, spit in his face, slapped him, and tried to kick him. He told her to stop being a bitch (she freaked over this because she assumed it meant he was calling her a slut. In therapy, he apparently defined it for her).
He managed to get her in the car to therapy. It took a while, but I managed to convince him to let me talk to her, so I could get her to calm down. I was able to get her to do some deep breathing with me. After about a minute of me telling her when to breathe (in, hold, out, count out loud...), she was finally calm enough to come out of fight, flight, or freeze.
Hubby took a couple of days to calm down and get to where he could stand to be near her. He feels if she can control it elsewhere, then she should be able to control it at home. It doesn't help that she's told him that she's faking, and he believes her.
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Saturday, meltdown because we didn't let her spend the night at Grandma's with the other kids.
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Sunday, meltdown because when we arrived at Grandma's for lunch, Bear walked into the kitchen where Kitty was standing, and started an argument with Poppy. Since Bear was helping make lunch, I called Kitty out of the room. It wasn't "fair" that I made her leave and let him stay, even though he was helping with lunch, and she was the one that was upset by arguing.
When I went in to calm her down, we had the usual argument ... I hate her. I love the other kids more. She's fine. It's not her fault. She promises to be good... At one point I made a bad choice and told her that no one in the family really likes being around her right now, and while we love her, we don't really like her when she's acting like this. I know. Not a nice thing to say, but I'm trying to get her to understand she can't treat the family this way.
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By Monday, Hubby had gotten himself together enough to be able to be in the same room with Kitty. I decided to see if we could keep her home because she's missed soooo much school and it's finals week. I called her psychiatrist to see if she had any suggestions, but she has decided Kitty's issues are trauma-based, so doesn't really want to mess with her meds. She increased Kitty's Ser*quel to 300mg (which is still pretty low).
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SURGERY ANALOGY When we first got Kitty, her mental illness and trauma issues were buried deep inside like a malignant cancer. She'd suppressed them to such an extent that not only couldn't she feel her emotions, but she also couldn't feel her body. She thought it was cool that she couldn't be tickled or feel her extremities. She was constantly offering to let people pinch her forearms or kick her shins, bragging that it didn't hurt. After many years of therapy, Kitty finally started to get in touch with her emotions, and her physical body too. When she gets angry she can tell you that she feels it in her chest and fists. She's even a little ticklish. With Bear, we describe his defense mechanisms as armor... very thick armor. He uses it to protect himself, and it keeps everyone from getting too close. When we first got him at age 13, it was more like he was wearing porcupine spines, but after a rage, we'd see his soft underbelly for about 10-20 minutes. After residential treatment the rages stopped, but so did those glimpses of underbelly. He is able to wear the armor 24/7 and we don't seem to be able to convince him that it's no longer needed and while he wears it he's stuck. He can't change or grow. He can't feel hurt, but he can't really feel anything at all. Not happiness, pride, love... I think Kitty's protective gear is more like super thick mummy bandages. They restrict her movement and feelings. The good news is that we've been slowly unwrapping her and have finally reached the hurt parts. The problem is, that she's now completely exposed to the trauma right out in the open, for every little bump and stray remark to feel like a lash against her tender skin. The school is worried that if we let Kitty call home, leave class, go to homebound... then she'll never want to go back to regular classes. I believe that when someone is in a lot of pain and preparing for surgery, the hospital will prescribe M*rphine or Hydr*codone, even though they are highly addictive. When the (hopefully successful) surgery is over, then the doctor will start working on weaning the person off the medications. People heal faster when they are not in pain. The problem is that Kitty is not having surgery. She's in pain, she's prepped to start work on the horrible, cancerous trauma... but it isn't like we can just rip it out or give her a transplant. This is something that's going to take years, and she's going to have to stay exposed most of that time. So what do we do?
2 comments:
I'm sorry, how did you gloss over the fact that your husband called your daughter a bitch?
I have to admit that I wish Hubby hadn't used that word. I can count on one hand the number of times he's used foul language and it is definitely not something he would normally say, especially to the kids. All I can say is that the provocation was huge and for once, Hubby lost it. We were all under unimaginable stress and mistakes were made sometimes.
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