Kintsukuroi - More beautiful for having been broken

Nothing is ever truly broken, that's the philosophy behind the ancient Japanese art of Kintsugi which repairs smashed pottery by using beautiful seams of gold.

The result is that the broken pottery is now mended and is in fact even stronger than the original. Instead of trying to hide the flaws and cracks, they are accentuated and celebrated because they now have become the strongest part of the pottery.

Kintsugi beautifies the breakage and treats it as an important part of the object’s history, and sees the broken pot not as something to discard, but as something even more precious than it was before.

"Life is our own tale of adventures and triumphs. I hope when my daughters encounter the real trials of life, they will look at their Kintsugi pots and won’t be afraid to show their scars and say ‘I have already had a life, but I’m totally up for another, because there really is so much more to me now than there was before.’" - Mercedes Smith

I think it's very obvious why I've posted this, so I won't say a lot, but I hope we let our children know that yes, we know they're not perfect. None of us are. But they are survivors. They have a history most kids their age have never had to experience, but their scars are beautiful, because they tell the story of that strength.



Our imperfections are what make us interesting and beautiful. Perfect people, even if they existed, would be plastic and boring.

Deep down, our children believe that they are unworthy and unlovable, and that if others find out they are not perfect, then they'll leave. Our children desperately try to keep others from seeing that imperfection, usually by keeping them at a distance.

If You Find Out I'm Not Perfect, You'll Leave

As parents, we work so hard to help our kids understand that we love them no matter what. I know that sometimes I forget that my children aren't the only one with scars that need, and deserve, healing. Please take care of yourself, and remember that your scars make you beautiful too.

“Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'
'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit.
'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.'
'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?'
'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.”
― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

2016 Trauma Mama Gift Swap

Several trauma mamas and I have decided to do a small Trauma Mama gift swap. If you are a trauma mama and interested in participating, please complete your registration form (there's a copy in the comments) and email it to marythemommy at gmail dot com. 

Please be 100% sure that you are able to participate, remember there is another trauma mama who may be hurt and disappointed if you do not follow through.

One of my favorite things to do at Christmas time over the last few years is to participate in the Trauma Mama Holiday Gift Swap. Unfortunately over the years, the people sponsoring it found that doing this for large groups quickly became too much for any one person to organize. For one reason or another, many people did not honor their obligations (which I totally understand as we are all trauma mamas and Christmas time is HARD!) so many mamas did not receive gifts. Many others tried to step in and fill the gaps, but a lot of needy mamas were hurt and disappointed.

Over the years, I have participated in a small group exchanges, one on one swaps with another mom, and been an "angel" to a trauma mama who could not afford a gift for her child or herself. I'm so glad to be in a place in my life where I can do this.

If anyone wants to organize their own gift swap or just exchange with a friend, here's a form I adapted from the From Survival to Serenity 2012 trauma mama holiday gift swap. I found it to be particularly helpful in finding just the right gifts. I hope this will inspire you to start your own group or just a one on one swap with another mom. Moms deserve special gifts under the tree too!

Trauma Mamas Holiday Gift Swap Registration

Please complete at least the required questions marked with an asterisk. All other "Get to Know You" questions are optional, but please do keep in mind that the more questions you answer, the better the person who gets your name will be able to connect with you. It will also help us in creating matches based on similar situations, geographic areas, interests, etc.

**Hint** If you would like to answer the "Getting to Know You" questions, but don't have time to complete the whole form all at once, write out your answers in a word processing program and then cut and paste them into the form boxes when you're ready to send it in. Registration forms are due no later than November 15. All matches will be made on or before November 20. Unless there are special circumstances that need to be considered, packages should be mailed to their recipients no later than December 14. International packages will need to be shipped no later than December 1. We learned from sad experience that if they're shipped any later than that, they don't arrive before Christmas, even when they're coming from or going to Canada.

* Required

Contact and Shipping Information*
Name (first and last):*
Shipping Address:*
E-mail:*

Other Contact Information:
Examples: Blog, Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Pinterest, etc. You are also welcome to include a phone number or whatever other contact information you wish and/or feel comfortable sharing.


Getting to Know You
These questions aren't required, but the more you share, the more the mama who gets your name will be able to get a feel for who YOU are outside of being a trauma mama. Finding a gift that will be enjoyed by the recipient is a big part of the fun.

Not only does this information help her be able to put together a special gift for you, but it will also help us in deciding who you ultimately get matched with.

One of the most fun aspects of participating in an event like this is finding others to add to your circles of support and friendship. If matches can be made among people with similar interests or family situations or whatever, they will be. Unless otherwise noted, these answers (along with your contact information) will be shared with the person you are matched with.

Briefly describe yourself. Share whatever you want about what makes you you.

• Your personality
• General age
• Your profession / how do you spend your time
• Any special talents

Share a bit about your family.

• How many kids you have and their ages
• Bio or adopted? If adopted, how old were they at adoption? Where were they adopted from?
• What special needs do they have?
• What type of activities do you enjoy participating in with your family?
• Are you married, in a relationship, single?

If you had spare time for hobbies or interests, what would they be?

What are your top 3 favorite movies?
...the ones you could watch over and over again and only love them more each time you see them.

What are your favorite colors?
...both for decorating and for wearing?

What is your decorating style?
funky, contemporary, eclectic, shabby-chic, country, traditional, minimalist…

Do you collect anything in particular? 
(coins, figurines, butterflies, angels, snowmen, etc)

What are some of your favorite things?
These would be things you love and enjoy having in your life and in your space

What type of gifts would you most like? 
things to pamper yourself, accessories, crafts, soft cuddly items, inspirational items, food treats, things you collect…

What types of things do you dislike?
This would be things you smile sweetly at initially, but then they secretly end up in the trash bin later on.

Do you have any allergies? Gluten free? Caffeine free?  Include food, chemical, metal, etc

What are your favorite foods and/or beverages? Do you drink alcohol?

Do you have any dietary restrictions and/or preferences?

What are your 3 most favorite restaurants?

What stores do you like to shop at when looking for a little something special for yourself?

Is there anything else you'd like to share? ie: a particular religious affiliation, perhaps you celebrate a holiday other than Christmas, any unique life circumstances or situations, etc.

Commitments

I am 100% committed to participating in this event. *(Yes/ No)
100% commitment means that I acknowledge and understand there is a very real mama with very real feelings on the other end of this swap. She's also a trauma mama who's been in or is still in the trenches just like I am. She's very likely put much of herself into preparing something special for another mama. I want her to receive something special this holiday season to remind her that she is loved, that the work she's doing is worth it, and that she's not alone. It would be very sad for her to be looking forward to receiving something special from a potential new friend, but not have it arrive. I will make sure that doesn't happen!

What if I need to back out? *(Yes/ No)
If circumstances arise and I'm unable to keep my participation commitment, I will notify one of the organizers as quickly as possible so another match can be found for my assigned mama.

Shipping Confirmation *(Yes/ No)
I promise to ship my package using a method that can be tracked, even if I have to pay a little bit extra in order to make that happen. I want to make sure my mama actually gets my package once I've sent it.

I can help with this event by...
If you have the time, sanity, and desire to help make sure this event continues to be a fun and fulfilling experience for everyone, please let us know.

I can help with event coordination and logistics if needed.
Should the need arise, I can help with the coordination efforts and logistics of this event. I am willing to help out by working with the other event coordinators, sending emails to other participants as needed, or doing whatever else is needed to make sure the logistics of this event are manageable.
•  Yes/No

I am willing and able to ship my package internationally if needed
•   Yes/No

I am willing and able to be an "Angel Mama" if needed.
Should the need arise, I can help out by putting together a second package for a second mama. Feel free to contact me if you need some help in this area.
•  Yes/No

If you have a question or want a copy of the form emailed to you, please feel free to leave a comment on this post (Comments are moderated. I will not publish any comments with personal information like emails or at the request of the commenter).

There's a form in the comment section. 

To participate you must email this completed form to marythemommy at gmail dot com. Be sure to add this email to your safe senders list so you will receive updates.

Jesus Gifts- focusing on relationships

I never do New Year's Resolutions, but for many years on Christmas Eve we have celebrated Jesus' birthday and given him presents we call Jesus' Gifts - These are spiritual gifts (kind of like New Year's Resolutions) that we know He would want for us (like spending more time with our family, going to church more, having a better attitude...).

2008 - Our first year of Jesus' gifts.
To Jesus,
Mary: I will respect myself -- by taking care of my body, my time, by getting sleep, being active and eating well.

2009 - Dear Jesus,
This year:
Mary: I will try to be better about spending time with the things that really matter. Hubby and my family are my first priority.

2010 - Dear Jesus,
Happy Birthday!
Mary: I will try to be present and meet my family's needs while taking care of myself.

2011 - Dear Jesus,
Happy birthday from the "TheMom" family!  Our gifts to you:
Mary: Be present and consistent for my family.

2012 - Happy birthday, dear Jesus,
Here are our gifts to you!
Mary: I'm resolving to go to bed earlier and support my family cheerfully and tolerantly.
Word for the Year: PRESENT

2013 - Happy Birthday!
Dear Jesus,
Mary:  I will try to take better care of myself and those around me.
Word for the Year: POSITIVE

2014 - Happy Birthday Jesus!
Mary: To be more present in daily life. Avoid procrastination.
Word for the Year: PRESENT

{2017 --I was going through my drafts folder for this blog, and discovered that I'd never published this post! Since my Jesus gift for 2014 (when this post was written!)

I'm seeing a trend here!

This year I want to focus more on my marriage. I'm currently reading a book called Getting the Love you Want. The first part of the book is about how our childhood effects our choices in significant others. The premise is that we subconsciously choose significant others that are like our parents - with the unconscious idea that we can work through our issues with our parents. During the "romantic love" phase we don't see and/ or we ignore all problems.  Once the couple feels committed and therefore safe, they usually are no longer on their "best behavior" and start seeing and showing their flaws.

Most people think if they can just find their "soul mate" then they've got it made. When the "honeymoon" is over and they suddenly realize that their significant other is like their parent in some way (distant, controlling, aggressive,  critical, easily excited...), plus he/she doesn't cater to their needs and has tons of baggage.. that's when they shut down, start picking fights, and/ or escape. Then they start all over with the next person.

In the second part, he describes what a more fulfilling relationship might look like, the "Conscious Marriage". He describes how to begin with commitment, stop destructive exit patterns, creating a zone of safety, understanding yourself and your partner, how to begin real self growth and containing rage. He closes by providing two examples of marriages that have been transformed by applying these techniques. The exercises and approaches described by Dr. Hendrix are hard. His most meaningful techniques are not quick tricks but require a lot of introspection and self awareness. As he mentions in his book, many couples may require external assistance (we did). However, his techniques provides lasting changes in the way that you interact with your partner.

The final part of the book is a series of exercises that help drive how the major points in each chapter of the preceding two sections. Relevant and helpful, their main point appears to be to draw the reader into applying the theories presented in the book to their own situation. In this respect, they are helpful.

Which is really interesting and I plan to post about it in a future post.

Surviving the teen years

In my opinion, ages 14-15 are the hardest years to parent *our kids*. If it helps, it does get better! {*When I say, *our kids*, I mean kids with trauma and/or attachment issues, and/or mental illnesses}

So why do our kids tend to lose it when they become teens?!

Some answers are here: Why Won't My Child Just Behave?!

Go ahead. Go read it. You know you want to. Don't worry, this post will still be here when you're done.

...Welcome Back!

Now, let's talk about

Why Our Kids Tend To Lose It When They Become Teens!

First, here's the craziness a "typical" teen is going through:

Adolescence Developmental Stage

Adolescence (Twelve to Eighteen Years) Adolescence is a time of diverse, confusing, even frightening changes due to significant physical, emotional, and cognitive growth, new situations, responsibilities, and people. Frequent mood swings, depression, and other psychological disorders are common. Though usually attributed to hormones, your child will react to the challenges and struggles; expect fluctuating or inconsistent behaviors that will even out with time and maturity. During adolescence, expect your teen to experience accelerated periods of growth (while they are eating you out of house and home). Height can increase up to 4 inches and weight 8-10 pounds per year, although for some “late bloomers” a huge increase in height and weight can happen within a year – especially with boys. Adolescence is an important period for cognitive development, marking a transition in ways of thinking and reasoning about problems and ideas. Your teen will gain the ability to solve more abstract and hypothetical problems, but it is also a significant step toward independence and emotional development. Adolescents often rely on their peers, rather than family, for direction and emotional support.         ~The Stages of Child Development by Yenny Rojas for Children's Health Care 

So let's break this down for OUR kids:

Emotional/Social Developmental Delays -

Trauma, attachment, physical and mental health issues, intellectual disabilities... can cause significant delays in development (emotionally, socially, intellectually...).  Frequent moves and other traumatic life events can also cause delays or even get them stuck.  Most kids with PTSD (and brain damage from RAD) have a tough time with processing, memory, object permanence, emotional regulation... 

Our kids might be physically and intellectually on target with their peers but can get stuck at a younger emotional/social developmental stage. This can make dealing with "typical teen" situations even more complex.

Handling Emotional/Developmental Delays

This post talks about what issues/problems emotional/ developmental delays can cause for our kids and a lot of good ideas about how to deal with them. {Lying and Stealing}

Developmentally-Appropriate Parenting 

This is where Therapeutic Parenting Based on Age-Appropriate Expectations comes in. Expectations are reduced to the child's emotional age. We need to parent our children based on where the child IS versus where they “should be.”  When trying to determine your child’s emotional age, and therefore your expectations, it helps to be aware of the typical development stages (Age 6 to Young Adult Developmental Stages)

Parent your child where they ARE, even if that means treating a teen like a 6-year-old. Or a 6-year-old like a toddler.

Once your child physically becomes an older teen or young adult. This becomes a fine line to walk - think tightrope!

{TIP: Our kids often find normal kid stuff overwhelming - we had to keep our children's rooms stripped to the essentials, avoid overwhelming places like grocery stores and birthday parties, and avoid letting them get tired or hungry...  }

Chores, Responsibilities, and Other Things My Children Can't Handle,

_________________________________

For example, physically Kitty was 16, but when dysregulated, emotionally she'd drop to about 6yo (or lower if she were in true fight/flight/freeze mode). To help her stay regulated with fewer meltdowns, we reduced as many of the overwhelming factors in her life as we could: we stripped her room down as much as possible, kept her daily chores super simple (age-appropriate for a 6-year-old), and basically gave her the life of a 6-year-old but with as many accommodations as possible. We tried to give her as much of the life of a child her chronological age as she could handle and keep up appearances that she was a typical teen so she wouldn't feel ostracized/different. For instance, when invited to a big birthday party/sleepover that we knew would be too overwhelming for her to handle, we agreed that I would attend (for emotional support if/when she needed it) but I would hang out in the kitchen with the adults and she would not be attending the sleepover part. She got to have cake and open presents and hang out with her friends but when she got freaked out by the girls talking about there being ghosts in the house, she could slip away and check in with me. When she needed to leave, she could just blame having to leave on her mean, overprotective mom, rather than having to admit that she wasn't able to handle it. {Handling Dysregulation and Meltdowns, Explaining Therapeutic Parenting Based on Emotional/ Developmental Age}

Kids with trauma and attachment issues generally operate at a younger emotional/social developmental age. 

Studies show that around 3 years of age, children start to show genuine empathy, understanding how other people feel even when they don't feel the same way themselves. "Cognitive empathy," or the mental ability to take others' perspective, begins rising steadily in girls at age 13, but boys don't begin until age 15 to show gains in perspective-taking, which helps in problem-solving and avoiding conflict.

Unfortunately, because our children are often emotionally developmrmtally delayed empathy development and perspective-taking can take much longer to develop. 

 {TherapeuticParenting Based on Emotional/Social Developmental Age}

Puberty

Puberty sucks. Those hormones rushing around add a whole new layer of fun. {I personally think pre-pubescent female tweenagers with all those new hormones trapped inside their bodies without a monthly release make this age particularly tough.} Combining hormones with ANY other issue makes things so much more intense. 

Diagnoses

Roughly half of all lifetime mental disorders start by the mid-teens and three-quarters by the mid-20s. Later onsets are mostly secondary conditions. Severe disorders are typically preceded by less severe disorders that are seldom brought to clinical attention.

In other words, many mental illnesses have adolescent onsets. Unfortunately, early trauma can trigger the early onset of mental illnesses (and puberty!) so to make life more "fun," you might have to fight with the medical community to get them to recognize/acknowledge symptoms and provide appropriate treatment/accommodations. For example, many medical professionals do not acknowledge symptoms of bipolar disorder in children and preteens. This means proper diagnosis and treatment cannot start for years.

Based on the "Like Attracts Like" principle, our kids are more likely to have a genetic predisposition to mental illnesses. Studies show that people with a psychiatric diagnosis "connecting" with someone with a psychiatric diagnosis was two to three times higher than for people without a psychiatric diagnosis. They also seemed to be more attracted to people with a similar diagnosis to themselves. 

Statistically, children of the mentally ill have a higher chance of becoming mentally ill themselves.

People with severe mental illnesses are more likely to engage in risky behaviors such as unprotected sex and alcohol and drug abuse (Many abuse illegal drugs as a way of self-medicating).

Nature and Nurture;
Severe mental illnesses have a strong genetic factor. Add to that the stress and chaos of being raised by a severely mentally ill parent, or the child being passed around to foster parents or group homes, and it creates the perfect storm for developing any number of mood disorders, behavioral problems, and juvenile delinquency, let alone the increased possibility of the onset of neurological disorders such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.

Addictive Brain - 

In addition to alcohol and other substances, while inside the womb, children can be "pickled" in stress hormones. This level of stress, anxiety, and chaos becomes their body's norm. As children, they will seek out, and often create this chaos, that feels normal and comfortable to them. 

"Professor Peter Cohen argues that human beings have a deep need to bond and form connections. It's how we get our satisfaction. If we can't connect with each other, we will connect with anything we can find -- the whirr of a roulette wheel or the prick of a syringe. He says we should stop talking about 'addiction' altogether, and instead call it 'bonding.' A heroin addict has bonded with heroin because she couldn't bond as fully with anything else.

So the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is human connection."

Our children are more likely to have an addictive brain, not so much because they were born addicted or witnessed/experienced substance abuse but because they have had disrupted attachments in their life. Bear struggles with addictions in large part because his severe attachment issues have left him unable to make human connections.

. 

Co-Morbid Diagnoses
Children with trauma issues usually have more going on than just one issue - attachment disorders, physical and sexual abuse, PTSD, RAD bipolar disorder, ADHD, FAS/FAE... caseworkers will not or cannot tell you all of what caused these issues, and often symptoms overlap and appear to be other things. For example, I don't think I've ever heard of a child with RAD that didn't also have PTSD. And in children, the symptoms of PTSD and ADHD are very similar. {Overlapping Diagnoses in Children, Chart for Overlapping Behavior Characteristics.

Medications

I won't debate in this post whether or not to give our kids medications {for that you can go here: More On Medications} but one thing to keep in mind is that if your child is starting on or already taking meds then hormones, physical growth, and any adolescent-onset of mental illnesses will play havoc on finding the right combination of medications and dosages.

Triggers - A lot of the time our kids react in ways that don't make sense because their brains are trying to interpret new things they don't recognize or, as their brains mature, they begin to look at things in a different way, and sometimes old defense mechanisms fight back. {Dysregulation and Meltdowns; Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?; Calming/ Relaxation Techniques}. 

One day, my daughter was hungry (growing bodies will do that to you). This likely triggered an old subconscious fear about not having food to eat which led to feelings of anxiety. Her body's response to this anxiety was to become angry. Now she's angry but doesn't make the connection to her hunger, so she looks around, trying to figure out what is making her angry. As a teenager, the list of possible things she could be angry about is endless, so she picked one. That's how my hangry daughter decided that she was angry because I loved her sister more than her.

At age 16, my son was already thinking about having to leave home at age 17 (his friends convinced him he could leave home at 17- and in his mind, that meant he "should" - leave at 17). So he started pushing us away so it wouldn't hurt so much. It also triggered his abandonment issues (his mind said "you should leave," which led to "you have to leave," which led to, "you're losing your home again," which led to, "it must be someone's fault that you have to leave," which led to, "your parents are kicking you out." Obviously, this line of thinking doesn't make sense, but a lot of what they do doesn't make sense!

The "Real World"

There is a LOT of pressure on parents to "lighten up" and give our kids the "freedom" to make mistakes, because "he's going to have to deal with the real world soon."

I believe that if we give children privileges and "freedoms" that they're not ready for that we are deliberately putting them in harm's way. I'm not saying keep children on so short a leash that they can't mess up. Just try to keep them on a short enough leash that they can't hang themselves.

Many people look at our children, especially if they are regulated with lots of structure and support, and don't/can't see the brain damage, dysfunction, and emotional immaturity. They don't understand the child's diagnosis or diagnoses, or only recognize a small part of the whole  - usually only a part that they're familiar with. [Chores, Responsibilities, and Other Things My Children Can't Handle]

There is a lot of pressure when our kids are teens to believe that since they are practically an adult, then we need to let them discover that they can't act this way in the "real world." 

People advocating giving the child the freedom and privileges that their peers have, generally assume that the Natural Consequences of messing up and making poor choices will teach the child to make better choices. They don't understand that our kids often don't/ can't make the connection that their choices have consequences or don't have the self-control needed to keep from making those choices.

More on Developmental Stages-

Yes, some of this really is just "typical teen behavior." My bio kids (Bob and Ponito), went through this stage too - one more obnoxious about it than the other (guess which one!). Figuring out what is "typical teen" behavior and what is not and what to do about it?! ... that's the hard part.

LEGAL ADULTHOOD

18 Is Not The Finish Line!

What helped ME the most during my kids' teen years:

First of all, You Haven't Failed.

1. 
   Prioritize Self-Care! - It sounds crazy but you HAVE to be your first priority. If you read this blog, you'll know I'm going to say it again and again (and again and again...). You can't help anyone if you're emotional reserves are completely drained. {Prioritizing Yourself, Your Marriage, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order
   Prioritize yourself first, then your relationship with your significant other (hopefully he/she will be around long after your kids have moved out!), then the needs of the family as a whole, and only then your child - In that order!  Giving Until There's Nothing Left (But My Child NEEDS Me!, Getting Respite, Marriage - Keeping it together, Finding the Joy - once I was in a better place emotionally (my bucket was closer to full) then finding joy became my priority. I couldn't have survived without it. }
2. Continuous Traumatic Stress(CTS) - When Your PTSD is Not Post/Past Yet - Realize your reactions are perfectly normal for someone living in a traumatic, abusive environment. You need to look for and ask for help and support. I took medication to help me through this time and I couldn't have made it through without my "tribe" of people who "get it."

3. Parent teens where they ARE instead of where they "SHOULD" BE!!  

   Therapeutic Parenting Based on Age-Appropriate Expectations.  

   Our kids often find normal kid stuff overwhelming - we had to keep our children's rooms stripped to the essentials, avoid overwhelming places like grocery stores and birthday parties, and avoid letting them get tired or hungry...  }

   Chores, Responsibilities, and Other Things My Children Can't Handle,

5. 
   
   Detachment Parenting - The main premise of detachment parenting is that you become more “detached” from the emotional scenarios that, as a parent, you encounter, and do not allow your kids’ or your own high emotions affect how you parent. Keeping calm, cool, and collected is not easy but it's a great goal. When things go dramatically wrong, as they often do. I try to offer empathy over the situation while keeping the ball in the child's court. I never suggest possible solutions, although I'll brainstorm with him/her if asked.

   "That's tough. How are you going to handle that?"

   "Oh man, it’s hard to be disappointed. I know you can get through this"

   This gives the child control over what's going on, validates their feelings, and lets the child know that I'm here for them but I'm not going to rescue them (which they'll probably resent me for anyway). It also gives the child a chance to look at the situation with a more problem-solving attitude and finding their own solutions empowers them to handle future problems.
6. Reading (and Rereading) the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells. It REALLY helped me take a step back, depersonalize their behavior, and set oundaries with my teens.
7. Dealing with Rages - Setting boundaries and putting a LOT of structure in place. {Child to Parent Violence, Structure and Caring Support
8. Understand Why They Act The Way They Do - It helps me a lot to know that my child’s behavior is not personal or malicious and when I’m empathetic toward my child it’s easier to deal with even their more difficult behaviors.  It helped to understand that my aggressive son is a scared little boy acting out of fear.  A lot of times with my teenage daughter I repeat my mantra, "She's only 6.  She's only 6.  She's only 6!" The books, Beyond Consequences, Katharine Leslie's books and seminars, Can This Child Be Saved, The Explosive Child, and Stop Walking on Egg Shells, really helped with this and also had a lot of practical, problem-solving parenting advice..
   
   
9. Change Expectations.  REALLY change them.  Quit waiting for _______ to happen before you allow _____________(something fun).   Stop expecting them to grow up and change, or even be able to do all but the most basic of tasks.  It’s easy to be mad at the child for not acting their age, and “punish” them by not letting them do the fun stuff, but if you’re constantly resentful and holding the child to some, at the moment, unattainable standard then both you and your child will miss out on some great memories and bonding moments. {Age-Appropriate Parenting / Structure and Caring Support / Chores, Responsibilities, and Other Things My Kids Can't Handle}
10. Recognize The Child's Perceived Reality is Distorted - For my kids, getting them to acknowledge or accept reality was pretty much impossible. Especially when it comes to biofamily. Trying to make them do so just damaged our relationship. Asking why they did something or giving them logical, rational reasons for their behaviors and feelings doesn't get through to them. Throughout most of her childhood, Kitty would feel depressed and/or angry (usually caused by a chemical imbalance from her bipolar disorder - but could have just as easily been from a hormone surge) and mistakenly believe it to be caused by something currently happening to her. She would look around for a reason for her to feel mad/sad/anxious - usually deciding it was something I, her parent, had done to her or some perceived unfairness. (It didn't help that a lot about Kitty's life was hard and stressful). When things were relatively calm, I would try to help Kitty work through where her feelings of upset, stressed, angry, sad... were coming from.
11. Realize that it is usually Fear Causing the Behavior - It's not personal (although it DEFINITELY feels that way). Understanding why they act the way they do (as much as possible) really helped me a lot.

__________________________________

MORE ON DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES

Developmental Stages Ages 6 To Adulthood

TWELVE TO FIFTEEN

§ Twelve to Fifteen - Thrives on arguments and discussions. Increasingly able to memorize; to think logically about concepts; to engage in introspection and probing into own thinking; to plan realistically for the future. May read a great deal. Needs to feel important in the world and to believe in something
§Withdraws from parents, who are invariably called "old-fashioned." Boys usually resist any show of affection. Usually feels parents are too restrictive; rebels. Needs less family companionship and interaction. Has less intense friendships with those of the same sex; usually has a whole gang of friends. Girls show more interest in opposite sex than do boys. Annoyed by younger siblings. 
§ Social and emotional development-  Commonly sulks; directs verbal anger at authority figure. Worries about grades, appearance, and popularity; is withdrawn, introspective. §Knows right and wrong; tries to weigh alternatives and arrive at decisions alone. Is concerned about fair treatment of others; is usually reasonably thoughtful; is unlikely to lie.

SIXTEEN TO NINETEEN

§ Sixteen to Nineteen - May lack information or self-assurance about personal skills and abilities. Seriously concerned about the future; beginning to integrate knowledge leading to decisions about future. 
§ Social and emotional development-  Relationships with parents range from friendly to hostile. Sometimes feels that parents are "too interested." Usually has many friends and few confidants; dates actively; varies greatly in level of maturity; may be uncomfortable, or enjoy activities, with opposite sex; may talk of marriage. May be strongly invested in a single, romantic relationship. 
§ Worries about failure. May appear moody, angry, lonely, impulsive, self-centered, confused, and stubborn. Has conflicting feelings about dependence/independence. 
§ Is confused and disappointed about discrepancies between stated values and actual behaviors of family and friends; experiences feelings of frustration, anger, sorrow, and isolation. 
§ May be interested in sex as a response to physical-emotional urges and as a way to participate in the adult world (but not necessarily an expression of mature intimacy).

EARLY ADULTHOOD TRANSITION

§ Seventeen to twenty-two - This transition stage is characterized by an overlap of both the pre-adulthood stage and the early adulthood stage, and typically occurs around age 17-22. At this point, physical growth and development are complete and independence is fairly well established. 
§ Social and emotional development- Individualization is becoming more prominent because one is now better suited to make decisions in preparation for their future. An important concept relating to this era is the modification of relationships; by which a person increasingly distances themselves from their family in order to solidify their transition into adulthood. Upon termination of the transition stage, maturity is established and one is fully prepared to enter the adult world.