Kitty who has RAD, complex PTSD, bipolar disorder, ADHD, LD, ODD… and a half a dozen more letters was placed in residential treatment on 8/19. This year she’s been hospitalized twice for suicidal issues, and went to a partial day hospitalization program that made her worse because the kids were out of control and the staff didn’t do anything about it. We pulled her out after 3 weeks, because we couldn’t handle the almost daily rages at home anymore. She has always behaved well at school and in public of course. Gotta love RAD!
This Summer I stayed home and we made her life as simple as possible. Grandma watched the other kids and I stayed near Kitty to help her regulate and stay calm (she can’t do it on her own). She verbally threatened the life of Grandma and our youngest son, MANY times. I don’t know that she would actually follow through with physical violence to them or herself, but that does mean I don’t want her to be in the care of Grandma with her little brother around all Summer. Meanwhile we started the process to get her authorized for residential treatment (RT).
She was adopted from another state, Nebraska, and we had RT written into her subsidy because TX Medicaid doesn’t cover it. So the RT recommended we get their pre-authorization prior to going through our primary insurance. Took them 3 weeks to say, well it’s up to your insurance, but we’ll cover her as long as we deem it’s medically necessary. When we talked to our primary insurance they approved it and she was in the facility the next day! That was the good news.
8 days later our primary insurance said she didn’t need to be there, because she wasn’t acting out. My child has RAD, so her issues are mostly with family. Plus, although it almost killed the family, she’d spent an entire Summer almost stress free. Hello! Can you say honeymoon?! The RT appealed because they saw the need to have her there (for one thing, she didn’t talk much, but had told the psychiatrist that she had suicidal thoughts). Appeal denied. They contacted NE who thought about it for a couple of days then left a message after hours saying they were refusing to cover her either. So she comes home tomorrow.
We are flat broke so the RT will have covered 9 days out of their pocket! They also pushed all the neuropsych testing (the main reason we chose them) and it will be finished today. (Can’t wait to see the results although we’ll probably have to wait a couple of weeks). Contact me off-list if you want the name of this RT. They do not specialize in RAD and are VERY expensive if you don’t have insurance, but they are great to work with.
So at least we got 2 ½ weeks of respite out of this and the neuropsych testing (our insurance doesn’t cover any mental health testing which seems short sighted to me). *sigh*
Mary in TX
http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com
Mom to biokids Ponito(10) and his sister Bob(13)
Sibling pair adoptive placement from NE 11/06
Finally finalized on Kitty(14) on 3/08 - 2 weeks before her 13th birthday!
Finalized on her brother Bear(16) 7/08. He turned 15 the next day.
" Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."
Friday, September 4, 2009
Brighten up a boring day!
One of my favorite funny bloggers posted an office version of this. Here's my take on it!
WAYS TO BRIGHTEN UP A BORING DAY
at home...
My favorite?
Whenever a child misbehaves, furtively make checks in a notebook while giggling. Tell any child who asks that you are playing a game, but don’t give them details. Wait until the child has been naughty several times and then dance around shouting, “YES! I WIN!” Thank the child (don’t explain) and walk away pumping your fist in the air. You can actually reward yourself with a treat if you like. I’ve heard it called Behavior Bingo.
WAYS TO BRIGHTEN UP A BORING DAY
at home...
- Chase a child around the house to give him/her a kiss or a tickle (be sure the child is OK with this!).
- Return the greeting of anyone in the house, but substitute the name of a pet for his or her name. “Hi Scarlet Claus, how was school today?” “I missed you too Lord Fluffy!”
- Phone home from work and say, “Just called to say I can’t talk right now, Bye.”
- To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
- Leave your zipper open for an hour. If anyone points it out, say “Sorry, but I really prefer it this way.”
- In the middle of dinner, suddenly yell out “YABBA DABBA DOOO!”
- Walk sideways to the refrigerator.
- Say to your child, “I like your style”, and shoot him/her with double-barreled fingers.
- In the middle of a “creative discussion,” babble incoherently, then ask “Did you get all that?, I don’t want to have to repeat it.”
- Gasp dramatically every time the refrigerator door opens.
- Yell downstairs repeatedly for yourself (do NOT disguise your voice).
- Set a bowl on the floor and carefully pour your drink in it. Then get down and noisily lap it up like a dog.
- Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
- At the end of dinner, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem. (Extra points if you actually launch into it yourself.)
- Walk into the room in which a child is reading or doing homework, and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch off/on 10 times.
- For an hour, refer to everyone by the names you’ve given them on your blog or from a cartoon. “Spongebob do the dishes!”
- When returning from the restroom sing the, “I went poo poo in the potty” song repeatedly. Don’t forget to dance!
- When a child is not home, carefully put away all their laundry or toys in the correct places (where they’ll never find it).
- When there are extra children in the house, run around counting the children repeatedly, shake your head and mutter over and over, “Too many, there’s just too many!”
- At dinner time, sit down at the table, look at the children expectantly and ask what’s for dinner?
- Put purple food coloring in the milk. (Don't use green or blue unless you want to drink it all yourself! Green milk is NOT appetizing!)
- Before dinner is served, hold up your unused fork and ask the child next to you, “Do you wanna swap?”
- Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
“Do you hear that?"
“What?”
“Never mind, it’s gone now.”
- Wear your craziest outfit (mine is a rainbow colored tie dye shirt with matching shorts) when you drop off or pick up your child from school.
- Speak in an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) to anyone who comes to the front door.
- Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet paper from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
My favorite?
Whenever a child misbehaves, furtively make checks in a notebook while giggling. Tell any child who asks that you are playing a game, but don’t give them details. Wait until the child has been naughty several times and then dance around shouting, “YES! I WIN!” Thank the child (don’t explain) and walk away pumping your fist in the air. You can actually reward yourself with a treat if you like. I’ve heard it called Behavior Bingo.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Our Kids - Positive Thursday
It is really hard for me to find positives about certain of my kids right now, but they deserve to have me think of the good stuff so I’ll try.
Bear – His PTSD was triggered lately, and It is tearing him up inside to relive all the abandonments by his birth family and the abuse, but he is still trying very hard to hold it together. When kids got in his face at school and yelled and threatened him, he didn’t react by attacking them as he would have in the past. He didn’t make all the best choices in how to handle the stress, but he’s made a lot of progress.
Kitty – She’s actually calling us from residential treatment, and being sweet to all. She’s not letting this make her angry and bitter (despite the fact that I’m sure it feels like yet another abandonment). It would have helped us keep our insurance paying for her treatment if she’d shown that she needs it, but that’s not her fault.
Bob and Ponito are bio, but I still want to brag on them a little. They are handling all that is going on with their adopted siblings so well. They’re still focusing on their schoolwork and getting their stuff done, while still maintaining a positive outlook. They are not teasing their siblings, or getting in their business. They are asking for what they need from us instead of sitting around feeling unloved and unappreciated, and still allowing us to focus our attention on their siblings and our work.
I don’t know what I would do without all of my children.
Bear – His PTSD was triggered lately, and It is tearing him up inside to relive all the abandonments by his birth family and the abuse, but he is still trying very hard to hold it together. When kids got in his face at school and yelled and threatened him, he didn’t react by attacking them as he would have in the past. He didn’t make all the best choices in how to handle the stress, but he’s made a lot of progress.
Kitty – She’s actually calling us from residential treatment, and being sweet to all. She’s not letting this make her angry and bitter (despite the fact that I’m sure it feels like yet another abandonment). It would have helped us keep our insurance paying for her treatment if she’d shown that she needs it, but that’s not her fault.
Bob and Ponito are bio, but I still want to brag on them a little. They are handling all that is going on with their adopted siblings so well. They’re still focusing on their schoolwork and getting their stuff done, while still maintaining a positive outlook. They are not teasing their siblings, or getting in their business. They are asking for what they need from us instead of sitting around feeling unloved and unappreciated, and still allowing us to focus our attention on their siblings and our work.
I don’t know what I would do without all of my children.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Trapped in the house
Bear stated there was absolutely NOTHING to do when he was grounded.
*Kinda the point baby.*
Tired of him pouting and using this as an excuse to try to make everyone else miserable, and trapped in a van with sulky boy, I decided to make an end run (LOOK! A sport metaphor! Hope I used it correctly. Don't get used to it.).
I gave all the kids a "hypothetical situation." What activities can you do without leaving the house?
At first I got nothing. Then I put Ponito on the spot. "Name 5 things you can do."
Watch TV
Play computer
Play Playstation
...
That was all I was going to get, so I threw in, "Bob, what's your favorite activity?" Nothing. "You know the thing you do ALL the time?!"
Reading!
Yea, that's it.
Bear tossed in, "Sleeping until it's over."
Bear also tried to sneak in, "Have a friend over to watch a movie." I quickly responded, "Sure, as long as you're not grounded."
So here's the list we came up with:
Drawing, painting, sketching
Cleaning and organizing (hey, it's a legitimate activity! I only mentioned it once or twice...ish.)
Cooking (desserts to share with friends at school)
Homework (not that Bear ever has any)
Write music
Learn to play an instrument
Write, make sets, costumes and perform in plays
Make scavenger hunts
Jump rope, play jacks (No, no baseball!)
Play cards or board games
Do jigsaw puzzles
Teach the dogs tricks
Play with the cats
Learn to sew, knit or crochet
Lift weights
Aerobic exercise
Learn to belly dance
Write stories/ memoirs
Write letters (real letters not just e-mails)
Get a pen pal
Grow plants
Watch your fish
Play dolls or cars with your siblings
We went off on a tangent about the fun "Letter Parties" we used to have when the kids were younger. We would choose a letter, and that would be the theme of our party.
The kids especially loved the letter P. We'd have a Pajama party, picnic on pizza and watch a movie starting with P - usually the Pirate Move. Pie for dessert!
M was also popular. Movie, meatballs, chocolate Mousse cake...
E was fun but hard. We had an Elegant Event (everyone dressed up in nice clothes). We had eggs (deviled were eggcellent), and... never could figure out anything else to eat (eggplant was not popular!). The kids loved Eclairs though!
B Barbecue Birthday Bash
Talking about the elegant event brought up another idea. Bear talked about a movie where the teacher helped the kids invite a holocaust survivor and what they learned. We talked about learning about a historical character and pretending you were them at dinner (costumes and everything) or your favorite character.
Ponito was begging to bring the letter meals back. Bob was being totally negative until I mentioned we could have an EVIL Elegant Event (she's on this "evil" kick - in atotally mostly appropriate way). Everyone could dress as their favorite villian. Grandma likes Captain Hook. I'm partial to the drama of Cruella De Ville!
But with my figure like it is now maybe I should go with something more like the Red Queen?
*Kinda the point baby.*
Tired of him pouting and using this as an excuse to try to make everyone else miserable, and trapped in a van with sulky boy, I decided to make an end run (LOOK! A sport metaphor! Hope I used it correctly. Don't get used to it.).
I gave all the kids a "hypothetical situation." What activities can you do without leaving the house?
At first I got nothing. Then I put Ponito on the spot. "Name 5 things you can do."
Watch TV
Play computer
Play Playstation
...
That was all I was going to get, so I threw in, "Bob, what's your favorite activity?" Nothing. "You know the thing you do ALL the time?!"
Reading!
Yea, that's it.
Bear tossed in, "Sleeping until it's over."
Bear also tried to sneak in, "Have a friend over to watch a movie." I quickly responded, "Sure, as long as you're not grounded."
So here's the list we came up with:
Drawing, painting, sketching
Cleaning and organizing (hey, it's a legitimate activity! I only mentioned it once or twice...ish.)
Cooking (desserts to share with friends at school)
Homework (not that Bear ever has any)
Write music
Learn to play an instrument
Write, make sets, costumes and perform in plays
Make scavenger hunts
Jump rope, play jacks (No, no baseball!)
Play cards or board games
Do jigsaw puzzles
Teach the dogs tricks
Play with the cats
Learn to sew, knit or crochet
Lift weights
Aerobic exercise
Learn to belly dance
Write stories/ memoirs
Write letters (real letters not just e-mails)
Get a pen pal
Grow plants
Watch your fish
Play dolls or cars with your siblings
We went off on a tangent about the fun "Letter Parties" we used to have when the kids were younger. We would choose a letter, and that would be the theme of our party.
The kids especially loved the letter P. We'd have a Pajama party, picnic on pizza and watch a movie starting with P - usually the Pirate Move. Pie for dessert!
M was also popular. Movie, meatballs, chocolate Mousse cake...
E was fun but hard. We had an Elegant Event (everyone dressed up in nice clothes). We had eggs (deviled were eggcellent), and... never could figure out anything else to eat (eggplant was not popular!). The kids loved Eclairs though!
B Barbecue Birthday Bash
Talking about the elegant event brought up another idea. Bear talked about a movie where the teacher helped the kids invite a holocaust survivor and what they learned. We talked about learning about a historical character and pretending you were them at dinner (costumes and everything) or your favorite character.
Ponito was begging to bring the letter meals back. Bob was being totally negative until I mentioned we could have an EVIL Elegant Event (she's on this "evil" kick - in a
But with my figure like it is now maybe I should go with something more like the Red Queen?
Busted Bear?
You know it couldn't end there!
Remember the note that the neighbor girl wrote? The one about the condoms? Well Bear broke up with the girl she was referring to and knowing him it probably wasn't a smooth break. So the neighbor girl and her best friend now hate him. They've joined up with another of Bear's recent ex-girlfriends and now they're all apparently getting in his face and calling him names. This has been going on for several days now. The school is proud of how well he's been handling it. (Since this is nowhere near the first time he's had to deal with emotionally disturbed angry ex-girlfriends calling him names, I'm less impressed).
Today the girls apparently stepped it up a notch and told a few of their guy friends. The first one walked up to Bear and called him a name. Bear, not in a good mood already, grabbed him by the backpack and pulled him to the ground, but left it at that. The girls immediately ratted him out to the on campus behavior program staff. The staff investigated, found neither boy hurt, made the other boy apologize to Bear for the name, and dropped it.
Then the second boy got involved. This one is bigger than Bear. He told Bear he was going to fight him at lunch. Bear apparently went for help (good for him!). The staff stopped the lunch fight, but this boy rides Bear's bus home so they had him call me to tell me he would be on the late bus. I didn't know any of this, so I figured it was Bear's way of manipulating the system (he's done it before!). I told him no. He grudgingly told me about the boy wanting to "kill" him. I told him Grandma would come get him and to tell me where he would be exactly and she would come get him.
He insisted that the boy had lots of friends so he couldn't wait outside. No problem. I told him to wait in the main office. He said just forget it he'd ride the regular bus. We argued back and forth and I finally told him it was my way or else. Then I called the school to tell them why he'd be in the front office, and get the real scoop on what was going on.
I got hold of one of the behavior program staff. The one who'd "searched" Bear for cigarettes (he just asked Bear if he had anything on him and visually looked for cigarette packs). Bear confessed to having been smoking, but claimed he had nothing on him. At first he pretended he'd "found" the cigarette, but then he said he had a stash hidden in our garage (he knows I search his room).
The guy believed him. *sigh* We talked about the probability that Bear is smoking marijuana (he's noticed the personality change too).
So I had Ponito look outside, since Bear was "hanging out" outside this morning and I didn't think he'd gone in the garage. Ponito found more butts and a piece of a pack outside, but no stash.
(this is not our garage. Ours is much messier. These guys can actually fit a car in their garage!)
I started searching the garage and cleaning as I went. *eek!* It started as looking for the cigarettes, but I knew our three car garage was so messy that he could hide thousands of cigarettes (and other contraband), and I'd never find them. I spent a couple of hours in the hot garage. I took out 6 boxes of trash and 10 garbage bags of leftover garage sale junk (you know, the bottom of the toybox toys that were all the kids were willing to give up , the stuff that didn't sell in the last garage sale but was "too good" to get rid of, all of the stuff that the kids have outgrown - toys, clothes, and the things that were too big to trash. A dresser we kept thinking we could fix, but never did. The refrigerator we were going to use in the office at work, but the new kitchen is upstairs and no one wants to take it up the stairs. Wood, the lawnmower, thousands of tools... what was I talking about?! Oh yea.
So I'd barely made a dent in the garage before Grandma got back with Bear. I asked him where the stash was. Sometimes it helps to act as though you know everything and expect him to tell you... but not today. He told me that he was keeping his stash, over there (waved his hand toward an area I hadn't even touched), but that today's cigarette was his last one.
****BEEEP! BEEEP! BEEEP!*****
That is my B.S. meter going off!
So here's the fun part. We can't discuss what happened this morning because Bear is having the "worst day of his life!" *boys can be drama queens too!* He tried to disappear into his room, but I made him run errands with us.
Hubby was home when we got back. Bear went to the bathroom for his usual 1/2 hour and Hubby told him to get out. Bear started yelling at him for jumping on him after the day he's had. They ended up talking for hours. So at least they had some male bonding. I'm glad he talked it out with Hubby, because frankly I get irritated just looking at him.
So now I have to finish cleaning the garage before I let him out of my sight.
But don't worry, all the trees Bear has thrown up will not make me forget that he needs consequences for his actions.
But don't worry, all the trees Bear has thrown up will not make me forget that he needs consequences for his actions.
Smokey Bear
Bear left early for school today, which got our attention. As Hubby was leaving the driveway to take Bob to Middle School, he noticed that Bear was hanging out near the end of the block instead of at the bus stop. Of course his first guess was that Bear was planning on skipping school. I'd stayed home today so I could get Kitty's room ready for her (just in case) and Hubby had a meeting about the foreclosure downtown and I didn't want to go along for the ride (in our unairconditioned car).
So I padded out in my bare feet toward Bear's bus stop. He was slooowly meandering toward it, and I almost decided to just hang out and watch from afar just to make sure he got on the bus, but decided I'd talk to him instead. Before he noticed me, or maybe just after, he blew a big puff of smoke, took one or two more hits and then flung something I hope was a cigarette into the bushes. I had watched him the whole time he was there so I know he didn't bum them off one of the other kids.
I walked up to him without saying a word. He looked at me, and probably knew he was busted. There were 2 other high school students there, neither of which were paying any attention to him/us, but I wasn't going to say anything t him in front of them. Neither seemed to notice my presence either (I may look young, but I do NOT look like a high school student). Bear and I had a staring contest until the bus came.
Bear got on the bus and deliberately sat down with his back to me. I waited until the bus was down the block and tried to find the butt of whatever he was smoking (he eventually admitted to smoking marijuana a less than 2 years ago). The butt was lost in the bushes though. However, there were a lot of Marlboro butts around that weren't fresh so I can only assume he's been smoking there for awhile.
Bear is only 16 so it is illegal for him to smoke. His precious ROTC does not allow it and the school does not allow it. He was headed to the high school so I do not know if he will be searched, but I called his special school and they will try to arrange him to be searched. This is NOT OK, and I will not allow it to continue if I can avoid it.
Yesterday he came home with his new girlfriend, because she'd "missed her bus." When Grandma told him in no uncertain terms that that was not OK and she was taking the girl home, and he could not come with her, he went off. He called Hubby and ranted for 45 minutes. Hubby had just gotten off the phone with the insurance about Kitty so he was not in a good mood and raised his voice right back.
Hubby told Bear that he WOULD accept Grandma's discipline, and she had every right to yell at him (although she probably just spoke harshly, not yelled). That Bear'd brought this all on himself for treating her so badly and ignoring her when she spoke in civil tones, and not doing his chores as requested. Bear does not have the excuse that Bob has of having homework. That's one advantage of being in all remedial classes - no homework.
Grandma mentioned that the new ditzy girlfriend lived pretty far away, had trouble with knowing where she lives because they move a lot, and had a father who was a strict disciplinarian (actually she highly suspected the girl is physically abused - which since she is one of Bear's girlfriends makes sense - the only girls he dates are ones with major issues). I guess the girl told Grandma that she would be beaten if a boy had dropped her off so that turned out to be a good thing. Bear has been trying to find her dad a local job so he won't take one out of state as planned.
So I guess it's now a waiting game. We'll find out if he was searched and still had cigarettes and a lighter on him. I requested that they also watch for cell phones, Ipods or any other electronics too because they would be stolen. He knows I search his room so he always keeps his stuff in his bag or pockets. My guess would be pockets because I've been known to randomly search his bag.
I did search his room and found less than the usual contraband, but it hasn't been that long since I last searched/stripped is room. As always, I found evidence he's eating in his room, including an elderly bunch of grapes, a Coke (we don't allow caffeine), and an empty icing can.
The biggest thing I found though was a note from a girl who lives in our neighborhood. She introduced him to a girl that became Bear's girlfriend. In her note to Bear she states that she will provide condoms and her car if he wants to be with his girlfriend. She also mentions smoking marijuana with him. It's a note to him so he has "plausible deniability," which he will of course take advantage of.
I've reported all of this to the school so some of his consequences will depend on what they find if they search him. One thing we have to decide is if we continue to let him take the regular ed school bus or do we request the special ed school bus (which might be an option and picks up and delivers right to our doorstep), or do we take him to school ourselves.
If the school doesn't catch him, we have to decide what to do next. Do we just let this go? How far do we go with consequences? Do I just punish that which I have proof of? What should his consequences be? Every time he gets away with something it makes him a little sicker, and a little madder that we don't trust him (because we can't prove things we don't always give consequences so he feels he should be off the hook completely - sorry Bear, life doesn't work that way).
Everybody knows that adopting special needs teens is sooo easy. So why am I having so much trouble?
So I padded out in my bare feet toward Bear's bus stop. He was slooowly meandering toward it, and I almost decided to just hang out and watch from afar just to make sure he got on the bus, but decided I'd talk to him instead. Before he noticed me, or maybe just after, he blew a big puff of smoke, took one or two more hits and then flung something I hope was a cigarette into the bushes. I had watched him the whole time he was there so I know he didn't bum them off one of the other kids.
I walked up to him without saying a word. He looked at me, and probably knew he was busted. There were 2 other high school students there, neither of which were paying any attention to him/us, but I wasn't going to say anything t him in front of them. Neither seemed to notice my presence either (I may look young, but I do NOT look like a high school student). Bear and I had a staring contest until the bus came.
Bear got on the bus and deliberately sat down with his back to me. I waited until the bus was down the block and tried to find the butt of whatever he was smoking (he eventually admitted to smoking marijuana a less than 2 years ago). The butt was lost in the bushes though. However, there were a lot of Marlboro butts around that weren't fresh so I can only assume he's been smoking there for awhile.
Bear is only 16 so it is illegal for him to smoke. His precious ROTC does not allow it and the school does not allow it. He was headed to the high school so I do not know if he will be searched, but I called his special school and they will try to arrange him to be searched. This is NOT OK, and I will not allow it to continue if I can avoid it.
Yesterday he came home with his new girlfriend, because she'd "missed her bus." When Grandma told him in no uncertain terms that that was not OK and she was taking the girl home, and he could not come with her, he went off. He called Hubby and ranted for 45 minutes. Hubby had just gotten off the phone with the insurance about Kitty so he was not in a good mood and raised his voice right back.
Hubby told Bear that he WOULD accept Grandma's discipline, and she had every right to yell at him (although she probably just spoke harshly, not yelled). That Bear'd brought this all on himself for treating her so badly and ignoring her when she spoke in civil tones, and not doing his chores as requested. Bear does not have the excuse that Bob has of having homework. That's one advantage of being in all remedial classes - no homework.
Grandma mentioned that the new ditzy girlfriend lived pretty far away, had trouble with knowing where she lives because they move a lot, and had a father who was a strict disciplinarian (actually she highly suspected the girl is physically abused - which since she is one of Bear's girlfriends makes sense - the only girls he dates are ones with major issues). I guess the girl told Grandma that she would be beaten if a boy had dropped her off so that turned out to be a good thing. Bear has been trying to find her dad a local job so he won't take one out of state as planned.
So I guess it's now a waiting game. We'll find out if he was searched and still had cigarettes and a lighter on him. I requested that they also watch for cell phones, Ipods or any other electronics too because they would be stolen. He knows I search his room so he always keeps his stuff in his bag or pockets. My guess would be pockets because I've been known to randomly search his bag.
I did search his room and found less than the usual contraband, but it hasn't been that long since I last searched/stripped is room. As always, I found evidence he's eating in his room, including an elderly bunch of grapes, a Coke (we don't allow caffeine), and an empty icing can.
The biggest thing I found though was a note from a girl who lives in our neighborhood. She introduced him to a girl that became Bear's girlfriend. In her note to Bear she states that she will provide condoms and her car if he wants to be with his girlfriend. She also mentions smoking marijuana with him. It's a note to him so he has "plausible deniability," which he will of course take advantage of.
I've reported all of this to the school so some of his consequences will depend on what they find if they search him. One thing we have to decide is if we continue to let him take the regular ed school bus or do we request the special ed school bus (which might be an option and picks up and delivers right to our doorstep), or do we take him to school ourselves.
If the school doesn't catch him, we have to decide what to do next. Do we just let this go? How far do we go with consequences? Do I just punish that which I have proof of? What should his consequences be? Every time he gets away with something it makes him a little sicker, and a little madder that we don't trust him (because we can't prove things we don't always give consequences so he feels he should be off the hook completely - sorry Bear, life doesn't work that way).
Everybody knows that adopting special needs teens is sooo easy. So why am I having so much trouble?
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Expectations
There are 2 residential treatment centers in our area. Someone was thinking about taking their child to the one that is closest to us (T.O.). (I'd be happy to share the names, but not on this blog). I shared my experience with them, and want to share it with you. Not because I want to slam the center, but to point out that our expectations can have such a huge effect on children.
I know T.O.. We live nearby and researched them. If at all possible, run away! We talked about taking our son there, and met with one of the therapists. Her first question was:
“The majority of our population is minorities, are you OK with that?”
My answer: “No problem, our son actually prefers to hang out with minority children.”
Her SECOND question!“Because your son is aggressive, he will be on the ward for aggressive boys. Are you OK with him getting beaten up daily?”
My answer: “Um, NO?!”
Needless to say we did not take him there.
Flash forward 2 years. Our daughter needed partial day hospitalization and the only provider in the area, Ma., is on the campus of T.O.. We did not realize how much interaction she would have with the children from the residential side. Plus, children released from T.O. as early as the day before were sent to Ma., many of which went back in less than 3 days.
Our daughter who is emotionally/ developmentally about age 5, and sheltered by us to avoid triggering her PTSD went into this program for 3 weeks before we pulled her. She witnessed several fights in which punches were thrown (usually in the face); she began cussing like a sailor (even the van driver – one driver, 8 emotionally disturbed teens!) was listening to music filled with cuss words; one of her classmates managed to pull up some soft porn on the computer; one female classmate made a pass at her; on her first day a girl called her a b***h several times and told her she smelled like a litter box (the van driver didn’t hear and my daughter would never snitch); and so on and so on… we pulled her after 3 weeks.
Someone asked me if I felt the agency should be investigated, and our insurance offered to let me file a formal complaint regarding our daughter (maybe I should), but I do honestly think they believe this is just how these kids are. Like when you hear people say, "boys will be boys."
It's not how these kids "are," or at least not how they have to be. I believe if my son had gone to T.O. he would have been beaten up every day. Having nothing to do with the second treatment center getting his diagnoses correct and him on the proper medication, this is purely based on T.O.'s expectations.
My son did physically attack one of the staff at the second treatment center within the first week. They restrained him, and when he wouldn’t/couldn’t calm down, they gave him a tranquilizing shot. There is no tolerance for aggressive behavior there. He NEVER got physically violent again (some of that was helped by getting him on the correct meds though). They didn’t tolerate the cussing and intimidating behavior either. Night and day difference between them and what we witnessed at T.O.
Our daughter is at the second treatment center now. She is homesick, but she is not terrified. She is not cussing like a sailor. She is not full of the "teenage bratitude" she learned was OK at Ma./T.O.. Truthfully I wish she was a little scared or defiant, because then we might not have to be fighting so hard to keep her there (she's not showing any negative behaviors at all and so the insurance company is saying she doesn't belong there!).
Another example of expectations:
When my biodaughter, Bob, was little (2-3 yrs) we had a lot of issues with her being aggressive. Some of it was her personality, but it got worse when I was pregnant with her little brother, coincidentally at the same time she started a new daycare. I asked the staff repeatedly if they were having issues with the aggressive behavior there. They said no. Until the day when she ran from me and hid in a playstructure. I was about 15 months pregnant (OK, it just felt that way!) and couldn’t get her out. She put her hands on another child’s throat, pressed him against the wall and refused to let go. I was yelling for the staff and she walked away from us toward the front of the room?! She got out a bag of candy and offered a piece to my daughter!! Admittedly it worked. My daughter did stop hurting the little boy and came out of the playstructure. I freaked though that they were teaching her she would get rewarded with candy for aggressive behavior. The school decided that my daughter had gotten in with an aggressive group of little girls and the best way to solve the problem was to move my daughter up to the 3 year old room. She was super tall and very bright, and we didn’t have a lot of options so we agreed.
The aggressive behavior at home continued though and they continued to deny seeing it at school. I figured that was typical for her, angel at school and then letting it all out at home (– little did I know this was God’s way of prepping me for my RAD daughter!). Until one day I left the baby with my mom and came to pick Bob up, and found her watching a movie. I thought I’d let her finish the movie (found out later it was Iron Giant – a PG movie that the three year olds were watching). Usually the baby and I were swarmed. That day the children were engrossed in the movie. So I finally got to watch the kids interact. One child would bump into another accidentally. That child would turn and shove them. Raspberries were standard as was the pushing, shoving and pinching I’d been seeing at home. No wonder my daughter was so aggressive! The staff saw it as totally normal 3 year old behavior so ignored it. That’s why they denied seeing any of her aggressive behavior – to them she was perfectly normal!
We pulled her out of the daycare the next day. Went on a two week vacation then started her at a new preschool where there weren’t 35 children in the room, and the kids were well –behaved. At the time we were trying to adopt from foster care, and the state had insisted we take our daughter with all the “behavior issues” to therapy before they would do our homestudy. 3 weeks after we left the preschool the therapist saw Bob again and couldn’t believe it was the same child. Bob was calm and talkative. She saw her once more to be sure then released her from therapy. (We were still turned down by the state, but that’s another story!). After the fact, I started hearing that all the kids in this childcare center had major boundary issues.
Long way of saying, it’s all about expectations. One treatment center expects kids with issues to act up and hurt each other. Another expects it, but doesn't allow it to continue. One child care center expects preschoolers to play roughly and be aggressive. Another expects them to be polite and helpful.
My adopted children expect to be treated badly. They "know" that "ALL" kids/teenagers act up and are rude to their family. My biokids expect to be loved and cared for. If a family member hurts them or their feelings they assume it's an accident or that the parents are there to keep them safe from any real harm.
When Bear was raging out of control and physically violent to the parents, the whole family felt the stress, but the biokids knew everything was going to turn out OK. Our adopted children did not. They "knew" that our son was going to be beaten, kicked out, and abandoned again. Our daughter "knew" that he would hurt her if she got in his way, and that when he was kicked out, she was soon to follow.
Our son is no longer raging and the biokids are "over it, " their expectations have been met. They are probably a little stronger and better people for the experience. Kitty might always live in fear. The world she expects is a pretty horrible place.
I know T.O.. We live nearby and researched them. If at all possible, run away! We talked about taking our son there, and met with one of the therapists. Her first question was:
“The majority of our population is minorities, are you OK with that?”
My answer: “No problem, our son actually prefers to hang out with minority children.”
Her SECOND question!“Because your son is aggressive, he will be on the ward for aggressive boys. Are you OK with him getting beaten up daily?”
My answer: “Um, NO?!”
Needless to say we did not take him there.
Flash forward 2 years. Our daughter needed partial day hospitalization and the only provider in the area, Ma., is on the campus of T.O.. We did not realize how much interaction she would have with the children from the residential side. Plus, children released from T.O. as early as the day before were sent to Ma., many of which went back in less than 3 days.
Our daughter who is emotionally/ developmentally about age 5, and sheltered by us to avoid triggering her PTSD went into this program for 3 weeks before we pulled her. She witnessed several fights in which punches were thrown (usually in the face); she began cussing like a sailor (even the van driver – one driver, 8 emotionally disturbed teens!) was listening to music filled with cuss words; one of her classmates managed to pull up some soft porn on the computer; one female classmate made a pass at her; on her first day a girl called her a b***h several times and told her she smelled like a litter box (the van driver didn’t hear and my daughter would never snitch); and so on and so on… we pulled her after 3 weeks.
Someone asked me if I felt the agency should be investigated, and our insurance offered to let me file a formal complaint regarding our daughter (maybe I should), but I do honestly think they believe this is just how these kids are. Like when you hear people say, "boys will be boys."
It's not how these kids "are," or at least not how they have to be. I believe if my son had gone to T.O. he would have been beaten up every day. Having nothing to do with the second treatment center getting his diagnoses correct and him on the proper medication, this is purely based on T.O.'s expectations.
My son did physically attack one of the staff at the second treatment center within the first week. They restrained him, and when he wouldn’t/couldn’t calm down, they gave him a tranquilizing shot. There is no tolerance for aggressive behavior there. He NEVER got physically violent again (some of that was helped by getting him on the correct meds though). They didn’t tolerate the cussing and intimidating behavior either. Night and day difference between them and what we witnessed at T.O.
Our daughter is at the second treatment center now. She is homesick, but she is not terrified. She is not cussing like a sailor. She is not full of the "teenage bratitude" she learned was OK at Ma./T.O.. Truthfully I wish she was a little scared or defiant, because then we might not have to be fighting so hard to keep her there (she's not showing any negative behaviors at all and so the insurance company is saying she doesn't belong there!).
Another example of expectations:
When my biodaughter, Bob, was little (2-3 yrs) we had a lot of issues with her being aggressive. Some of it was her personality, but it got worse when I was pregnant with her little brother, coincidentally at the same time she started a new daycare. I asked the staff repeatedly if they were having issues with the aggressive behavior there. They said no. Until the day when she ran from me and hid in a playstructure. I was about 15 months pregnant (OK, it just felt that way!) and couldn’t get her out. She put her hands on another child’s throat, pressed him against the wall and refused to let go. I was yelling for the staff and she walked away from us toward the front of the room?! She got out a bag of candy and offered a piece to my daughter!! Admittedly it worked. My daughter did stop hurting the little boy and came out of the playstructure. I freaked though that they were teaching her she would get rewarded with candy for aggressive behavior. The school decided that my daughter had gotten in with an aggressive group of little girls and the best way to solve the problem was to move my daughter up to the 3 year old room. She was super tall and very bright, and we didn’t have a lot of options so we agreed.
The aggressive behavior at home continued though and they continued to deny seeing it at school. I figured that was typical for her, angel at school and then letting it all out at home (– little did I know this was God’s way of prepping me for my RAD daughter!). Until one day I left the baby with my mom and came to pick Bob up, and found her watching a movie. I thought I’d let her finish the movie (found out later it was Iron Giant – a PG movie that the three year olds were watching). Usually the baby and I were swarmed. That day the children were engrossed in the movie. So I finally got to watch the kids interact. One child would bump into another accidentally. That child would turn and shove them. Raspberries were standard as was the pushing, shoving and pinching I’d been seeing at home. No wonder my daughter was so aggressive! The staff saw it as totally normal 3 year old behavior so ignored it. That’s why they denied seeing any of her aggressive behavior – to them she was perfectly normal!
We pulled her out of the daycare the next day. Went on a two week vacation then started her at a new preschool where there weren’t 35 children in the room, and the kids were well –behaved. At the time we were trying to adopt from foster care, and the state had insisted we take our daughter with all the “behavior issues” to therapy before they would do our homestudy. 3 weeks after we left the preschool the therapist saw Bob again and couldn’t believe it was the same child. Bob was calm and talkative. She saw her once more to be sure then released her from therapy. (We were still turned down by the state, but that’s another story!). After the fact, I started hearing that all the kids in this childcare center had major boundary issues.
Long way of saying, it’s all about expectations. One treatment center expects kids with issues to act up and hurt each other. Another expects it, but doesn't allow it to continue. One child care center expects preschoolers to play roughly and be aggressive. Another expects them to be polite and helpful.
My adopted children expect to be treated badly. They "know" that "ALL" kids/teenagers act up and are rude to their family. My biokids expect to be loved and cared for. If a family member hurts them or their feelings they assume it's an accident or that the parents are there to keep them safe from any real harm.
When Bear was raging out of control and physically violent to the parents, the whole family felt the stress, but the biokids knew everything was going to turn out OK. Our adopted children did not. They "knew" that our son was going to be beaten, kicked out, and abandoned again. Our daughter "knew" that he would hurt her if she got in his way, and that when he was kicked out, she was soon to follow.
Our son is no longer raging and the biokids are "over it, " their expectations have been met. They are probably a little stronger and better people for the experience. Kitty might always live in fear. The world she expects is a pretty horrible place.
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