No news is good news

Thursday was Bear's IEP / ARD meeting. He said repeatedly that he wasn't going. I knew to just ignore it. When it came time he either would or wouldn't go, and if a big deal wasn't made of it then he probably would not go. Turned out his class was taking a test, so they had him there for just the transition portion.



The transition portion (what Bear plans to do when he graduates) was a waste of time. Basically Bear said he planned to live on his own and work as either an underwater welder (not an option) or a high school ag/shop teacher.



After Bear left I asked the team if they honestly believe Bear could make it though 2 years of junior college and 4 years of college. Those that spoke at all said of course he caaan. The better they knew him, the quieter they were. I pursued the question for quite awhile before I finally got someone to acknowledge the fact that he has to be motivated to do this and willing to ask for help. So in other words, probably not going to happen. I was hoping we could brainstorm some ideas for things he can do that he might enjoy, but we moved on.



It was decided that Bear will continue going to the special school through lunch time and continue with 2 classes at the regular high school in the afternoon. They're going to try to get him in a special reading class since he failed the Language Arts statewide assessment test. Technically it should be writing since that was the part he did the worst on, but that wasn't an option. There was a software accommodation that I had talked to the Occupational therapist about that it was my understanding was supposed to be in place, but no one had done it. That will be looked into.



One thing we talked about was cheating. We have some proof that he was doing it (from the person who he was with when he was supposedly hiding in the woods). Hubby brought this up and the regular ed teacher on the team mentioned a couple of times she'd confronted him with cheating in her class. She seemed to think that since he grinned and acknowledged he was busted that this meant something. We pointed out that there were no consequences and she also realized that he still hadn't turned in the assignment. I think she might be getting a clue.



The teachers said he couldn't really be cheating often because there are only 6-8 kids in his class and they would notice if the assignments matched. It wasn't until Hubby and I were processing later that I realized Bear goes to two different schools. If he takes a class at the public high school then he could get the assignment from a kid in the special school, and vice versa. Plus, he's pretty manipulative, I wouldn't be surprised if he weren't talking people into doing his work for him. He's still using the same books and following the same curriculum as the regular ed kids, just not going into as much detail. He could easily copy their answers on things that match.



All in all it wasn't the best or worst ARD ever.



Afterward we talked to the AP(Assistant Principal) about what was going on with the possible Class B misdemeanor. He said he'd talked to the deputy and even the deputy didn't know what was going to happen. If they decided to press charges then Bear would be picked up from the high school and kept overnight and go in front of a judge in the morning - at which point they would give him a court date, probably 3 months away. Then at that court date it would be decided what his consequences would be ($500-1500 in fines, 0-90 days in jail, and/or possibly community service). Bear wasn't picked up on Friday so the odds are good he won't be charged.

Honestly have no idea if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

It's good in that it won't go on his permanant record. He probably wouldn't have learned anything from it anyway. We don't have to worry about how Kitty would handle it. No having to worry about what would happen with school (what does happen?).

It's bad in that he learns he's going to get away with this kind of behavior without consequences. Yes, he got FAIR Club consequences, and one day of ISS, but he ignores those.

Psychiatrist

"So how long have you had this unhealthy aversion to drinking from the toilet..."

I don't know how I feel about this psychiatrist. Bear was in an extremely surly mood after being forced to sit in ISS all day (in school suspension). The pdoc asked how things were going, and of course Bear said, "Fine." Smart pdoc dug a little and asked how school was going.

At first Bear just said, "Boring," but the pdoc specifically asked about referrals so Bear mentioned the one he got for "sharing an apple." (Dropped it to another student from a second story balcony into a hallway full of people). I hintingly cleared my throat. Bear chose to ignore me. I suggested he might want to mention the current issue. Bear said it was irrelevant (not his word) and had nothing to do with meds. I suggested we leave it up to the pdoc, since it suggested a lack of impulse control that his meds can address. The pdoc wanted to know too so he could decide for himself. Bear refused to tell, but finally said I could if I had to.

The pdoc said it had nothing to do with impulse control (which is BS! The initial event was obviously impulsive and all the rest happened to cover it up), and there were no meds he could recommend, then he promptly made a change to one of Bear's meds.

While he was entering stuff into the computer we all chatted a bit. The pdoc brought up the author Tobias Wolff who wrote his memoirs in This Boy's Life (later made into a movie with Leonardo DiCaprio as Wolff). More specifically the pdoc brought up the time when as a young teen Tobias Wolff and his friends would take the parking brake off parked cars at the top of big hills and watch the cars go crashing to the bottom of the hills, hitting other cars. Even Bear's caseworker protested the pdoc "giving Bear ideas," but the pdoc just said, "Bear already has ideas." Apparently his point was that this misguided, abused teen became an excellent writer, and that Bear had this capability.

The pdoc told another story with a good idea for mischief in it, but I don't remember what it was.

All Bear wanted to talk about was how he didn't want the school to help him get a job (they're talking about getting him life skills classes) and he didn't even want them to teach him anything. He wanted to drop out of school and get his GED. What he really wanted was to go back to the way things used to be (100-200 years ago!) so he wouldn't have to go to school and could hunt and fish in his "butt-flap" all day (Bear is part Native American).

I had to listen to Bear rant all the way home. It triggered my PTSD pretty badly.

Bear is refusing to go to the IEP (ARD) meeting today, because he's "already missed too much class (English)" and this is a hard class for him. We'll see if he shows up. I've found if you just ignore his protests he tends to go anyway. He's defiant, but not that defiant most of the time.

This should be an interesting ARD. We're supposed to be talking about:

• Bear's transition to life after high school (what he's going to be when he grows up)



• Bear's IEP - including one for Behavior



• His placement for the next semester (does he continue at the special school and for how much of the day?)



• We plan to ask for a parent/teacher conference with his regular high school teachers to talk about how best to help Bear (not letting him leave the classroom without an escort, reporting when he doesn't return, tardies, manipulations, breaking projects into smaller components...).

I'll keep y'all posted.

Consequences

Still don't know what's going to happen with the criminal charges against Bear (for writing a false deposition), but were told that if they decide to press charges there will be an arrest warrant and he will be taken into custody. Scary.

The school has given him ISS today (in school suspension). He'll stay at the special school all day today instead of going to the regular high school in the afternoon like he normally does. He doesn't get to go on a fieldtrip for which he'd earned points. He also loses all his accrued points and can't visit the school point store.

Tomorrow is his annual IEP meeting. Apparently before this the school had already decided that he didn't need to have any more out classes at the regular high school. It sounds like they were going to keep status quo (most of the day at the special school, and 2 classes every afternoon at the regular high school). No one is really sure what to recommend now, so my guess is it will stay the same.

I shared my biggest concern with the special school principal - that Bear might have lost his motivation to attend school and do well now that the Horseman team is done for the year. We should try to figure out another motivator for him. He wants a shop class, but it didn't work with his schedule this semester and he probably can't start mid-semester even if he does get more classes at the regular ed high school. The principal suggested next year, but I think that's too far away (Bear doesn't think that far ahead), plus Bear is still not planning on being here next year.

So now that we know what the school is doing, and I've had some time to think I've got Bear's FAIR Club assignment. Whew, he's going to hate me!


Writing Assignment: We want to help you develop trust so that you can live a happier, more productive life. To help you with this goal, you will be given a journal containing assignments to complete. If you appear to be working on your assignments, including your daily check-in, and asking for help, you will NOT be in the FAIR Club. Not being RRHAFTBALL, not working steadily on your chores and journal and of course getting into any more trouble will put you immediately in the FAIR Club.
Extra Chores: There will be no extra chores unless you go into the FAIR Club at which point chores will be assigned.

The journal includes: Check In sheets (which he'd been trying to do verbally, but will now have to do in writing since that wasn't working) and a bunch of handouts based on some articles I adapted from the website http://www.livestrong.com. Handling Irrational Beliefs handout (7 pages of reading and questions including having to fill out 3 Changing Personal Beliefs pages; Building Trust handout (5 pages of reading and questions), multiple Self Affirmation Statement handouts. Activities: Self affirmation statement writing and posting of 3x5 cards with affirmation statements he comes up with, writing of 3 letters to people he doesn't trust, and a Trust walk with someone he wants to build trust with.

I modified these to his reading level as much as I could, but they are still way too long. Still, this isn't going to be easy and asking for help is a good thing. So we'll see. Need to try to think of a motivator too. Maybe a deadline. Hmmm.....

Why Bear is in the FAIR Club

Kids "wrestling" in Grandma's yard. Hopefully Bear has no idea here that Ponito was hurt, but more than likely he was trying to comfort Ponito. Bear just doesn't get that he's so much bigger than the little guy, and Ponito just doesn't get that Bear doesn't have the greatest body awareness and Ponito's safety isn't his first priority. It's like a lion cub playing with a newborn kitten.

Reasons why Bear is in the FAIR Club:

• He skipped class (walked out and never went back) - this is huge after last school year when he was tardy or skipped 3-4 classes a week. He was warned that unlike last year, there would be immediate consequences.




• He missed his bus (this is the second time in less than 2 weeks) - he was warned that unlike last year there would be consequences.




• He did not immediately call to say he'd "missed his bus." So I had no idea where he was or that he needed to be given a ride home (normally we drop everything and go get him).




• He was unsupervised for almost 3 hours at school. Worse, he was unsupervised in shop where there is lots of equipment and things he's never been given safety lessons regarding. (We're assuming this is where all of his injuries came from). The school is freaking on the liability for this one.




• I did not know where he was and I was very worried. There was no way to find out if he was hurt or in trouble.




• He rode home in a car with a teenager I didn't know, who has been driving for an unknown period of time. This seems minor in comparison, but it is against family rules.




• He was home unsupervised for 1/2 an hour or so. In the past he has used this as an opportunity to steal, including getting into medication (which he took to school - presumably to sell).

Most importantly:



He lied.



A lot.



He lied about what happened, where he was, and who he was with.



He apparently expected his friend to lie for him too.



He lied to the police officer.



He wrote a sworn statement that was a total crock of lies. This is the part that will get him a ticket - a Class B misdemeanor. Which means 0-90 days in jail and/or a $500-1500 fine.



Assuming that "A" really exists, he could have gotten A into real trouble with the police.



He lied to the school administrator.



He lied to the SRO (police officer assigned to the school). He told the police officer a LOT of lies. Not just about this event.



When confronted by us and his therapist, he lied some more. (Actually at this point this is part of his illness and I do not know that he even knows the real truth anymore).



Side note: He was told on Wednesday that his Horseman team would not be attending the final game of the year. For some reason the team had decided the week before that for homecoming and the rest of the football season they had to have black felt hats instead of the white ones they'd been wearing. I wasn't able to get him a hat for Homecoming and there wasn't a game the next week. All week I've been looking for an inexpensive hat, but couldn't find one. Thursday evening, after all this happened, Bear told Hubby he HAD to have this hat for school the next day. He'd said he had a friend that worked at a nearby boot store (that carries cowboy hats) who would get him a discount. Apparently that was a lie too.



Bear and Hubby left the house after the police officer left (after 8:30pm) so we had about 5 minutes to celebrateThe hat cost $70 instead of the $40 he'd claimed it would. Hubby bought him the hat. He wore it to school the next day. Hubby found out about the activity being cancelled and Bear knowing for 2 days and still asking for the hat. Since this was the last game of the season he wouldn't need it again. This was one immediate consequence. Bear had to put the hat in our bedroom along with his Zune. Don't know how long he loses them for, that's up to Hubby.

What really happened

Friday, November 5th

From what the school could piece together, talking to D (the kid who witnessed the alleged fight and drove Bear home), Mr. P (the teacher Bear argued with), the teacher of his last class of the day, and viewing the camera focused on the entrance to the shop area and talking to the teachers seen on camera talking to Bear and D... the assistant principal (AP) believes we finally have a pretty accurate picture of what really happened on Thursday. He confronted Bear with this info and got yet another story. He confronted Bear with the facts again (which still conflicted with Bear's new story) and got a third story that was a little more plausible, but still not the whole truth. *sigh*

The SRO (police officer permanently assigned to the school) talked to Bear after Bear'd talked to the AP. He told Bear that if Bear would admit the truth, then he would try to lighten the negative consequences of Bear's false deposition. Now that Bear is legally an adult (you can be criminally prosecuted as an adult at age 17 here in TX), then he could serve jail time for this Class B misdemeanor (0 to 90 days jail time and/or $500-1500 in fines - since neither Bear nor we have any money this would most likely be jail time). Bear went back to the original story. I think he might have thought if he stuck with the original story then he couldn't be prosecuted for making a false statement. Either way, he's now in BIG trouble. (He also trotted out a lot of his old tall tales for this new SRO - "his hands are registered lethal weapons" being one of them).

It's up to the original officer whether or not Bear will be given a ticket. Honestly we think Bear needs to get the ticket, because he needs to understand there are consequences, but I don't know that it will do any good. He's been to juvie. He thinks he can handle it, but of course it's all bluff. He's terrified, but in total denial of that. I don't think he really believes this will really happen. He told us in the car after school on the way to therapy that he was going to, "Sign something on Monday that will close the case." He thinks he can "drop the charges" against the other boy and this will all go away. Of course the other half of this is that it is all MY fault. I'm the one that called the police.

In an emergency therapy session after school (the therapist had previously contacted Hubby and cancelled this week's session. When he got the e-mail regarding this, he rescheduled), we confronted Bear with the video documented proof that his story was a crock of poo.

The actual events:

Bear did get in an argument with Mr. P., but he went to class. Apparently he told the teacher that he was upset and asked to go talk to Mr. V. (the teacher let him go and apparently didn't tell anyone when he didn't return! - this will be addressed in the next IEP meeting). Mr. V wasn't at the shop building (he'd left campus to run errands).

This is the point where Bear's story stops resembling the truth.

The entrance to the shop building is on camera! Bear is first seen entering the shop building within minutes of having been released from class. He and D are then seen hanging out in front of the building and walking in and out (never gone from sight more than a few minutes) until the camera shuts off about 5pm. D verifies that he and Bear worked in the shop until about 5:30pm at which point D had to get home. So he gave Bear a ride home.

D says Bear was not assaulted. Bear did bave a conversation with a kid who wanted Bear to return his homework (Bear had apparently borrowed it to copy), which Bear refused to do, but the argument was verbal - not physical. Most of the marks on Bear can be explained by what might happen to someone who is working with moving a heavy metal smoker (caught on film) and other stuff that would typically happen to an uncoordinated kid unsupervised in a shop class (yes, we will be having major conversations with the school about this as well - they said the room should not have been unlocked after school).

Bear still denied everything!! Hubby tried to get him to admit his lie. I know this bugs Hubby in a big way, but this is sooo futile. Bear is unable to do this, and badgering him about it just causes him to dig in. I finally just stopped it and said we needed to focus on what Bear was going to do now. "Keep moving forward!" Bear basically said he was going to be good. *sigh*

His therapist finally helped Bear come up with a plan. Bear is supposed to talk to the SRO on Monday and tell him a story (the truth! ... but Bear can't admit that), that fits the video evidence*, and see if that will hopefully convince the SRO to put in a good word for Bear that will convince the original deputy to not give Bear a ticket.

*Originally the therapist said Bear should tell the deputy a story that matched our (Hubby's and mine) story. I immediately corrected him and said this was not "our" story this was the school and video evidence. Bear blames me enough for all this as it is. After all it's "my fault" that the police got involved in the first place.

Next post is on consequences. I have no idea what we should give Bear for consequences, but he definitely has to have some. Suggestions?!!

Traumaversary

Our family on our first meeting 4 years ago.

Thursday was our 4 year anniversary of the kids moving in - so Bear decided to give me a little present.

Bob had arranged to stay after school and get some tutoring. When Kitty got home from school I realized Bear wasn't home yet (he usually arrives home about 4:40 - a few minutes before the girls). I waited a little while in case his bus got stuck in traffic then called Transportation. Bear hadn't gotten on the bus. He had been at school that afternoon though because Kitty had seen him. The school was closed so I had no way of asking what was going on there.

When Bob called to say she was ready to be picked up I asked her to look around for her brother a little. I watched the sides of the road as we drove to the school to see if he was walking. I was pretty worried, but not sure what to do. Hubby wasn't answering his phone.

It was a little after 6pm when Bear called my cell phone from the house. I picked up Bob and we headed home (it's a 15 minute drive). Bear told me he'd been attacked and was all bloody and shaky so he was getting in the shower. I told him I'd check him out when I got home and would be calling the police. He did not want me to do this as he didn't want to "rat" on anyone.

When I got home he was already dressed. He did show me all the marks except the one on his thigh (because I’m female, even though I mentioned he was wearing shorts so it’s not like I would see anything), but he showed that one to the police and I saw it then. I did not see the clothes he was wearing at the time of the "attack," bought found the shirt later. No blood, three tears in the back and shoulder, and very dirty on his back.



The following is Bear’s version of the events.

Thursday, November 4th:

Before Bear’s last class of the day, he was walking with a friend who had been told not to hang out with Bear, because Bear was a “bad influence.” Mr. P (a behavior program teacher that Bear has had major issues with for over a year) came up to Bear and told him he should be in class. Bear told Mr. P that class hadn’t started yet and that he didn’t want to talk to him. Mr. P told Bear to talk to him, and threatened to make Bear talk to him. Bear got upset and stormed away, the friend stayed and talked to Mr. P. Bear was upset so he went to talk to the only person in the whole school that he trusts enough to talk to, Mr. V (shop/ag teacher) out at the farm.

When Bear was close to the farm, but had not seen Mr. V. yet, a boy named A stepped out from the portables and began harassing Bear about an old girlfriend, J, whom Bear dated 2 years ago and hasn’t seen in over a year. The boy accused Bear of having done something to J recently, and apparently J is dating one of A’s friends. Bear tried to ignore A, but then A attacked him and hit him repeatedly. Bear didn’t want to engage (even though he "knew" that after A had hit him twice that he had a “right to fight back in self defense”), and blocked A’s punches and then ran away.

Bear has possible swelling on his right eye (hard to tell because of his acne), a red mark approximately 4 inches in diameter on his left shoulder and a smaller red mark (2-3 inches in diameter) on his upper right thigh that will probably become bruises. A chased him until Bear ran through a barbed wire fence to the ranch behind the school (he has slight scratches on his arms from the barbed wire).

A boy named D was in Autoshop and saw a lot of A’s attack of Bear.

A went to middle school. with him, and now attends another high school. Bear described A and his car with lots of detail. Bear brings up a tragedy from several years ago in which one of Bear's "friends" (we're not really sure if Bear even knew the kid) was killed as they were coming home from Marley’s birthday party, and claims A was one of the kids in the car.

Bear did not know why A was on the high school campus, but assumed it was to
visit a friend. Bear stayed in the woods for a long time (over 2 hours). He went near the road when the buses left, but A’s car was still in the parking lot so he didn’t go near the school. Eventually he started walking home. D (the boy who witnessed the fight) saw him and picked him up and drove him home.

So that’s Bear’s version of the events. He had quite awhile to think about them. Most of what he said was consistent, but there were a lot of time gaps. I e-mailed this version to both of Bear's schools and asked them to help verify or disprove it. The police had also requested information that I hoped they could help with. I did give the deputy the heads up that Bear's version might not be 100% accurate.

I also listed my major concerns:

• that he says he didn’t trust anyone at the school enough to even go inside to call home (instead he ran away from the school buildings) – he also said he didn’t trust us/me enough to call us even if he’d had access to a phone.


• this happened on school grounds when he should have been in class


• that he’d had yet another run in with an adult that caused him to take off and skip class


• that I wasn’t notified by anyone that he was missing (not from class or the bus)


• that this boy or his friends might target Bear.


• regardless of whether or not it actually happened the way Bear said or if he had a more active role, he was still obviously injured.


• his last tetanus shot was apparently 7/06 so I’ll need to see if he needs a booster (the doctor said he doesn't).

The police officer required Bear to write out a statement (Bear hates writing and was very concerned about his spelling - Hubby told Bear that it didn't matter if he spelled attacked without a c, it still made sense.) We reiterated several times that Bear is now legally an adult and everything he wrote had better be accurate.

So we finally ate dinner, late, because I couldn't finish dinner while the deputy was there as I needed to be there to keep Bear focused and answer any questions. We all stood around the kitchen after dinner and drank sparkling grape juice from our wedding crystal champagne flutes (a family tradition) and ate bitter, flat chocolate yogurt cake with cherry pie filling poured on top (to mask the horridness of how it turned out *sigh*).

Happy 4 year anniversary!

Surrounded by Sickies

Silly Cousins

Tuesday Kitty threw up twice on the way to the school bus, but wanted to go anyway. Luckily Bob borrowed a cell phone and called me so I told Kitty to come home. It seemed like a cold, but she has been complaining of trouble with ear blockage and a little pain for over a year and I wanted to get it checked out yet again (we now have a referral for an ENT). Apparently she has congestion from allergies and a little virus - no fever. We treated the congestion and she went back to school the next day.

Wednesday I got a call from the school nurse office (Kitty goes daily so I wasn't surprised), but apparently I'd missed Kitty's call (my cell phone doesn't work well in the house), and this was Bob. She felt bad and wanted me to come pick her up. Similar symptoms, headache, sore throat, sniffles and a nasty cough.

Hubby has been complaining of a really itchy spot on his left shoulder blade going around to under his left pec. He assumed it was a reaction to the Niacin, but that didn't seem right. When he broke out in a rash under his pec we thought maybe it was allergic reaction. He is extremely sensitive to chemicals and when he teaches scuba in the pool he always breaks out in a rash, but this didn't quite match. We thought maybe he was allergic to a new laundry detergent.

Hubby sent me this e-mail.

Could this be shingles?

OH! Of course!





He went to the doctor, but the rash wasn't showing. The doctor said it was too early to tell for sure, but prescribed an anti-viral. He talked to Hubby about the leg pain. The doctor said it's too early to tell, but since Hubby has a family history of it, he will recommend some testing, including cholesterol. Of course he said Hubby needs to lose some weight, and work out on the treadmill. I think he reassured Hubby that he was not going to die (well, any time soon).



He is of course overly stressed, but I doubt there's anything I can do to fix that for him. Our life is just incredibly stressful, and he struggles to "accept the things he cannot change." (I admit it's hard for me too). He is of course depressed too, but we could never convince him to take meds, and he's too private to to to counseling (although he's been willing to speak in my counseling sessions).



Today - Ponito didn't feel well enough to go to school. It was pretty much a miraculous recovery once i told him he didn't have to go to school, but we took it easy all day... well into the fireworks started, but that's another post.



The good news is that's pretty much everybody. Bear rarely gets sick and neither do I (over 20 years working in child care), plus this is one of those mild viruses that we could fairly easily ignore. None of the rest of us are showing symptoms either.