Consequences

Still don't know what's going to happen with the criminal charges against Bear (for writing a false deposition), but were told that if they decide to press charges there will be an arrest warrant and he will be taken into custody. Scary.

The school has given him ISS today (in school suspension). He'll stay at the special school all day today instead of going to the regular high school in the afternoon like he normally does. He doesn't get to go on a fieldtrip for which he'd earned points. He also loses all his accrued points and can't visit the school point store.

Tomorrow is his annual IEP meeting. Apparently before this the school had already decided that he didn't need to have any more out classes at the regular high school. It sounds like they were going to keep status quo (most of the day at the special school, and 2 classes every afternoon at the regular high school). No one is really sure what to recommend now, so my guess is it will stay the same.

I shared my biggest concern with the special school principal - that Bear might have lost his motivation to attend school and do well now that the Horseman team is done for the year. We should try to figure out another motivator for him. He wants a shop class, but it didn't work with his schedule this semester and he probably can't start mid-semester even if he does get more classes at the regular ed high school. The principal suggested next year, but I think that's too far away (Bear doesn't think that far ahead), plus Bear is still not planning on being here next year.

So now that we know what the school is doing, and I've had some time to think I've got Bear's FAIR Club assignment. Whew, he's going to hate me!


Writing Assignment: We want to help you develop trust so that you can live a happier, more productive life. To help you with this goal, you will be given a journal containing assignments to complete. If you appear to be working on your assignments, including your daily check-in, and asking for help, you will NOT be in the FAIR Club. Not being RRHAFTBALL, not working steadily on your chores and journal and of course getting into any more trouble will put you immediately in the FAIR Club.
Extra Chores: There will be no extra chores unless you go into the FAIR Club at which point chores will be assigned.

The journal includes: Check In sheets (which he'd been trying to do verbally, but will now have to do in writing since that wasn't working) and a bunch of handouts based on some articles I adapted from the website http://www.livestrong.com. Handling Irrational Beliefs handout (7 pages of reading and questions including having to fill out 3 Changing Personal Beliefs pages; Building Trust handout (5 pages of reading and questions), multiple Self Affirmation Statement handouts. Activities: Self affirmation statement writing and posting of 3x5 cards with affirmation statements he comes up with, writing of 3 letters to people he doesn't trust, and a Trust walk with someone he wants to build trust with.

I modified these to his reading level as much as I could, but they are still way too long. Still, this isn't going to be easy and asking for help is a good thing. So we'll see. Need to try to think of a motivator too. Maybe a deadline. Hmmm.....

Consequences versus Privileges

We had a family meeting about the fact that the kids weren't doing their chores. I was frustrated by the fact that I felt one of the reasons they don't bother with them was because there were few (obvious) consequences to skipped chores. I feel the kids aren't "getting" the fact that there are long-term consequences to their choices, and we needed to make the consequences more immediate and obvious.

So we sat with the kids and started brainstorming what consequences there should be. Here's what they came up with:

• 4 Foot Rule - this one surprised me. Basically they felt if someone wasn't doing his or her chores then they need to stay near a parent. They also said the person shouldn't be able to hang out/ isolate in their room.
• Homework (a frequent excuse for not having time to do chores) can't be done in bedroom, must be done in a common area with supervision.
• Soup Kitchen - this one is very effective with Kitty. Maybe too effective because it's mere mention triggers her somewhat.
• Eating at the Table - in our house we rarely eat at the dining room table. (Yes, we are horrible parents who allow our children to eat in front of the TV, but at least we all eat at the same time so we're still together.) Those eating at the table are not able to watch TV and would be eating with a parent.
• No Electronics - no TV, computer, Play Station...
• Extra chores
• 750 word essay on why it's important to do chores
• Saturday Do All Undone Chores
• No friends over or going to friend's houses.
• 2 Days Conseuqences - Whatever the consequences chosen will last the equivalent of "2 days." That means if they skip a late evening chore and of course dinner is already over then the following two days they'll have to eat their soup at the dining room table. If it's a morning chore then they might be done with their consequence after the following day.
• Mom gets to choose what the consequence will be.

We talked about some changes to the chore chart - for example on Wednesdays we all do volunteer work in the eveningso I changed it from bathrooms to bedrooms (which can be done in the mornings or throughout the week and they're the only one that would mess up their own room).

After our family meeting I had dropped off the littles and was driving to meet Hubby and Bear at Bear's therapy, when all of the sudden I suddenly realized the focus shouldn't be on punishments and consequences, but on earning privileges.

Eating in the family room in front of TV is a privilege. Electronics are a privilege. The rule is already that you can't turn on the electronics until your chores are done, but we tend to let it slide after the majority of the kids' have their chores done. Kitty (one of the worst offenders when it comes to not doing chores) tends to head straight out to the backyard to destress when she gets home, by the time she comes back in the other kids are done and the next thing I know she's watching TV.

Bear is my second worst offender, but most of his chores are late evening chores or not always totally noticeable if he pretends he did it (he's not a clutter bug like Kitty and he's been known to hide things from the room he's cleaning in someone else's space). He also doesn't care much about TV or being isolated. For him having to do the writing assignment would be huge, but of course that's a punishment not a privilege. Hmmmm....

So I think I need to be focused on enforcing our family rules with an emphasis on earning privileges.

Katharine Leslie seminar* - discipline vs punishment?

OK, I've heard of Discipline vs Punishment.

Discipline is direct training or learning experience designed to develop self-control, self-esteem, moral character, responsible behavior.... It can be positive or negative, but almost always entails acceptance or submission to authority and control.



Punishment happens after the misbehavior. It can be mild (inducing discomfort, shame or guilt)to severe (physical or emotional pain and suffering). Most parents use removal of privileges or objects, time out or spanking as a form of punishment.



All my training classes said punishment is bad. Discipline is good.

Discipline Problems vs Behavior Problems

Discipline problems (noncompliance, misbehavior) occur when the caregivers have not structured the child's environment for success, or when parents are inconsistent (expectations or consequences), non-responsive, or inaccessible. When adults adjust their behaviors and attitudes, often children with discipline problems can be brought under control in as few as 3 to 7 days. This is the premise behind the show World's Strictest Parents.

Behavior problems on the other hand lie within the child. These are persistent behaviors that do not disappear even with the best parenting (although good parenting can help to control the behaviors). These can include impulsivity, inattentiveness, and other behaviors like ADHD, FAD and immature behaviors associated with missing capacities in object relations.



YOU CANNOT EXPECT PUNISHMENT OR DISCIPLINE TO "FIX" BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS!



Having behavior problems is like being born with poor eyesight. No amount of punishing or controlling is going to fix this problem. Glasses will help. However the parent will be responsible for taking the child for regular eye check-ups, teaching him how to care for his glasses, and restricting activities where glasses might break. The goal is that by the time the child is 18, he will be ready and able to take full responsibility for the care of his own eyes and glasses.



So how do you know if your child has a discipline problem or a behavior problem? The best way is to change the home environment. If the behavior stops or improves it is most likely a discipline problem. It it remains unchanged but more in control, and the parent is acting consistently, it is likely a behavior problem.



Punishment vs Consequences



Punishment usually inflicts pain and suffering in hopes of stemming a bad behavior, but consequences do not have to hurt to teach. Lately my FAIR Club assignments for Bear have leaned more toward punishments (reading and writing bible verses and studies about integrity when I know he hates reading and writing, doesn't "get" the concepts, and doesn't really learn that way).



Typical differences between punishment and consequences:



Punishment<-------------------->Consequences

• emotional<-------------------->non emotional/matter of fact


• physically painful<-------------------->not physically painful


• humiliating<-------------------->not humiliating


• arbitrary<-------------------->planned


• sometimes illogical<-------------------->logical/natural


• removal of object privilege<-------------------->adding of task/ responsibility

Both can restrict a child, but the logic is different. For example, after exhibiting poor behavior in a supermarket:

- PUNISHMENT - a parent may restrict a child by sending him to his room.

- CONSEQUENCE - if a child is unmanageable in public places a parent may choose not to take a child to these places until he can demonstrate some restraint.

So the consequence is being used as a preventative measure (like discipline).

Parents need to be "listening" to what the child's behavior is telling them (usually an underlying unmet need) rather than expecting children to perform at things they may not be ready for and then punishing them for bad behaviors.

Obviously Bear has behavior problems instead of discipline problems, and I'm happy to say that we've mostly been doing things right in regards to prevention versus punishment. It's good to have the words though, because I've been feeling more and more like a stubborn, vindictive witch instead of a parent who is lovingly avoiding setting my child up for failure. I need to adjust my mind set too so I can confidently defend my parenting choices for my children.

If my child were 16 months and I did not put a gate on the stairs or outlet covers on all the outlets everyone would agree that I am a bad mama. Child-proofing the house would not be seen as punishment at all in fact prevention is perceived as much better than having to practically sit on your kid and constantly be telling them no, No, NO! If I chose to leave the outlet covers in place, just in case, for many years (yes, we still have outlet covers on all our outlets)... no one would think anything of it because when the child is old enough to be able to handle access to the outlets the covers wouldn't stop him anyway.



If I took my 7 year old niece to the mall and dropped her off, I would be a bad mama. If I dropped my 13 year old off in front of the airport with no ticket (this happened to me at least 3 times), I would be a bad mama. If I dropped my 13 year old at the airport with my credit card (which the airline ticket lady refused to take), would I be a bad mama? What if I got my child her own check book? What if she were 17? What if she were mentally disabled?



What if I don't give my 14 yr old a cell phone? What if I ground him for skipping school? What if I let the well-adjusted appropriately-behaving biochild see a PG-13 movie that's too scary to the adopted one. Or to spend the night at a friends when I won't let the adopted child do the same? What if I don't let him go anywhere without adult supervision... at age 17... am I a bad mama?



FAIRNESS IS EVERYBODY GETTING WHAT THEY NEED. FAIRNESS IS NOT EQUAL.



Soon after the kids first got here we had a birthday party for Kitty. Like we'd always done for our biokids we invited family, friends, neighbors, any of her friends from school (you're supposed to give invitations to the whole class or not at all - we chose the whole class). We ended up with about 20+ kids, half of whom spent the night. Within minutes of everyone's arrival, Kitty was complaining that she didn't want everyone to play with her new game (Dance, Dance Revolution), which she'd tried and hadn't been very good at. Not long after that I discovered she had disappeared. I finally located her in her closet (it's a walk-in!) playing dolls with the youngest girl at the party (one of the girls from her special ed class).



The next year I got smart and blamed finances (not a lie) and told all the kids they could only have 4 friends over, or 2 spending the night (except Ponito who was devastated and everyone agreed he was young and deserved to have more friends over). Kitty did much better with the small group. Bob is an introvert and was fine with it. Bear's first birthday with us he'd been in residential treatment for 3 days, we'd known this was happening so had had a very small family party the weekend before. His next birthday was the day after his adoption and he just had family and a Kleenex girl there because he waited until the last second to invite anyone (I deliberately let that happen). For her next birthday, Kitty had just been released from her second psych hospitalization in a year - so we did just family - and she had to be OK with that.



This year (on Tuesday) Kitty is turning 15. She's doing very well and is pretty emotionally stable. Rather than allowing her to invite everyone she wants and go to some loud noisy place (not that we can afford that anyway), I will continue to use the finance excuse and keep her party fairly small. This is more a preventative measure than anything else. I think she can handle more than she did in the past, and she's not in the FAIR Club, but her world will probably always need to stay small. Honestly the fact that she doesn't protest much makes me think I'm making the right choice.




Paradigm shift:

Old paradigm:

• Behavior is learned from parents
• Children are too young to be diagnosed with mental illnesses
• Parents need to learn to be non-toxic and less permissive
• Child is seeking attention and is manipulatie
• "Acting out" is respone to inner conflict from erly childhood
• The child is ale to act appropriately but won't
• Parents are not asked for input, provider to fix child

New paradigm:
* Behavior results from:

• sensory overload
• distorted perceptions and mood
• inflexibility, anxiety, low tolerance for frustration
• tic, "limbic storms," low impulse control,
• low executive functioning, poor short-term memory,
• difficulty with handwriting, cooordination.

* Child has good and bad days
* Focus on managing the illness
* Parents need extraordinary skills and support

Five Point Sar on Creating Mutual Well-Being

1. Maintain an accurate frame of mind
2. Build a Relationship
3. Give useful consequences
4. Contain/ prevent negative behaviors
5. Coach positie behaviors

How can a traumatized child be expected to engage in reciprocal behaviors (giving) unless first their wounds are healed, they have self love and are willing and able to attach?

• She won't reciprocate because she is wounded.


• She can't reciprocate, because she doesn't know how and has not practiced giving behaviors.

Healing wounds and acting reciprocally are not achieved linearly or sequentially, rather they are achieved at the same time, and one advances the other.

* By the way, a LOT of this stuff is copied directly from Katharine Leslie's power points or books. I realize I haven't been saying this all along, but all of the brilliant stuff is hers and I'm sure all of the mistakes are purely my own.

Community Service

Struggling to Stand - Technically yes, $3/hr is not a fair wage, but we've been very clear that while his consequence is paying us back, we don't actually need $90 of work done, nor do our neighbors. In the past he has incurred big debts and never paid it back (in fact recently I'd given up and deducted it from his allowance/savings). So that is why I've chosen community service instead. If it were about money then he would be getting paid and have to turn it over. The problem is that in our neighborhood some of our neighbors will pay $100 for just a few hours of work. I don't feel guilty, he's worked for less when he was doing lawnwork, and that was a price he negotiated.


All the kids are home from school today because of the holiday so I figured this was a great time to start tackling Bear's hours. Most of the time it's going to have to be done/ and should be done with Hubby (they do need the time together), but Hubby is at work today so I though I'd start with some of the neighbors who are aware of Bear's need for supervision. I am not giving him a choice in who he helps, what he does, or when it gets done (that's not how it works in the real world and he's not really capable of organizing this anyway).



On the phone today I referred to this as community service to a neighbor that doesn't need to know all of his business (the parent of one of my friends), Bear perked up and (after I got off the phone) asked if it could count toward the community service he is supposed to do for ROTC. Bingo! I actually prefer this kind of service (in which I can oversee his supervision) to leaving him on school campus to do who knows what with his friends, so I'm fine with him "double dipping." This means he's "buying into" the project too.


As for the cards... he's sticking with the lie that his pen ran out of ink. I told him I don't believe him. End of discussion.

(The teacher who is responsible for making sure Bear turns in his cards is the one who keeps insisting that Bear doesn't belong in the special school - doesn't keep this a secret from Bear and apparently doesn't check up on Merit students.)

Consequences for Bear

Struggling to Stand has left a new comment on your post, "Stealing":

I too, feel for you. Would it help to know that bio kids can be that bad?

Oh believe me I know, but thanks.

I think that before worrying about consequences of this instance, you should
find out if there has been more alcohol usage. Being a spy, again, checking the
garbage cans. Although the meds he is on may make the signs of alcohol use more
dramatic?

Oh you know how much I love being a spy. *sigh* The only alcohol left in the house is one wine cooler which I hid in the garage (will be drinking that this weekend believe me!), one bottle of unopened champagne and one unopened bottle of red wine (we only drink white) both from who knows how long ago, both sealed, and both in the locked pantry. So if he is still drinking, he is getting it from friends, not us.

I wonder. Does he just play at thinking anything unlocked is his, or does
he really not get the difference? I bet there are social skill games that help
to teach a "kid" the rules for what is personal and what is public. Maybe as a
punishment you make him play these games. If he already knows, it is a
punishment, but if he doesn't already know it helps him learn...

I have no idea what he really "gets," and what he deliberately does. I'm also not sure what he is capable of learning. I'm assuming that he "gets" stealing, because as far as I know he is not stealing from school; however, his sense of entitlement and impulsivity is a different story. Even at school if he can manipulate others into giving him candy or priviliges he will. His special school has commented a couple of times that because he has earned their highest level - "Merit" student, he gets many privileges. They have found him "taking a mile" with these privileges.

He has often used ignorance of a rule as an excuse at school too. For example, he showed up with lunch (before we were on the free lunch program) and snack/soda money. We do not give him money, and the school knows it. They usually warn us when he turns up with extra cash. At one point we discovered that he had quite a little enterprise going. He had talked me into letting him buy Gatorade powder mix and was mixing it up and putting it in water bottles. He's always drunk a lot of liquids so this slid under our radar. He was selling these, and the homemade goodies he was taking from home, to his buddies at school for extra cash. Many of the kids at school are special ed so the school stopped this. He did not get in trouble because he "didn't know any better." Of course his home campus has no such policy so I'm sure this has/will start up again. It's hard for us to catch the selling of the treats because he could be eating them.

Food is an especially sensitive subject. I know kids of trauma have issues with food and hoarding. I've always tried to be super understanding about this. Kitty's meltdowns especially are usually 10 times worse if food is involved. I know that food is a major control issue too, and as a teen whose life was out of control, I have had problems with anorexia myself. I know Bear feels a strong sense of entitlement about many things, but food is at the top of the list.

After reading this comment I searched his room and bathroom again. Not only has he been lying about doing his chores (like cleaning - don't ask how I know!) for several weeks (I know because the moldy tupperware and empty ice cream container I found last time are still in a bag on his floor), but he had an empty bag of caramels on the floor beside his bed. I can only assume that someone forgot to lock the pantry (probably me).

So where do I go from here? Locking everything up is beyond a pain. Our youngest keeps his bike in the garage so every morning someone has to give him the key to get it (he's up before me and Hubby is usually still in the shower when Ponito is ready to go), and then we have to make sure he remembers to lock it all back up (which he occasionally forgets). Bear often gets up before everyone else or after Ponito leaves, eats and who knows what else, and goes back to bed. I want to just alarm Bear's door, but Hubby is still resistant to this.

I hate that the kids live like prisoners in their own home. I can't keep the doors unlocked when Bear is not home because he immediately goes into the unlocked rooms, before I realize he's home and they aren't locked. The lock that keeps Bear out of the garage, also keeps everyone out of the laundry room, which is a pain, and the humidity in there from running the machines with the door shut is beginning to damage the room and everything in it.

As for the alcohol, an idea I have that probably isn't good, but may spawn
better ideas, is to have your husband offer Bear a drink on Thanksgiving or
Chirstmas, but the drink be 90% water, which Bear would discover upon
drinking. Tit-for-tat. "Well, I thought since you put all that water in my
alcohol, that is the way you like it!" or "It isn't nice to sit down to a
good drink and find it is mostly water, is it?"

We talked about this as an option. Beyond the fact that we don't feel comfortable even implying that it is OK for teens to drink alcohol, I'm pretty sure that Bear would bluff his way through it and in his mind this would be yet another example of what horrible parents we are. Hubby even thought about letting him drink all he wants until he gets sick, but of course there are major health, moral and legal issues with this... and we don't think it would be effective either.

I have thought about doing something similar though. Maybe giving him treats, only to find they are half eaten, or letting everyone else have a slurpee and giving him water - with just a bit of what they're getting. Again, I don't think he would make the connection - he would just see it as yet another example of how mean we are and how much we hate him.

Would it be wrong to put laxatives or something similar in a bag of candy in the pantry and "forget" to lock it? Technically it's a logical consequence for stealing and replacing the item with something else.

Passive Aggressive

I have found that Bear is making me very passive aggressive and I hate that feeling.

I've never liked confrontation, and Bear makes confrontation (when Hubby is not present) particularly odious. So I'm finding myself avoiding him more and more, doing detective work to avoid asking him about things (and maybe to deliberately get him in trouble - although it is him who is actually doing the lying and stealing) , complaining about him here and to adult family members, and sniping at him (for example a TV character was commenting on how being called Ma'am made her feel old, and I "subtly" told Hubby, "See, I'm not the only one who feels that way!" Bear resentfully muttered, "I get it Mom." I told him I was talking to Dad not him. Is that a "teachable moment" or a jab? I don't know. He hadn't done it again since I'd asked him not to last time.).

It seems like he is always mad at me, because I am always getting him in trouble and keeping him from doing what he wants to do. He doesn't seem to make the connection that it is him actually doing the stuff for which he is having to deal with the consequences - not me making up punishments just to torture him. He doesn't like that I hold him accountable and don't start with a blank slate (he calls it holding a grudge). I don't like that I seem to be the only one doing so. Don't get me wrong, Hubby always backs me up, and I'm the "expert" in the family so it's kind of natural that the discipline decisions fall on me, but it gets really old to always be the bad guy/ judge and jury (although I appreciate not always having to be the executioner).

I don't like being around Bear and it is showing more and more. I used to be able to keep it from him, but I'm not feeling like being subtle any more. Of course he's not home much so maybe it's not as noticeable... oh, who am I kidding.

Wish I had time to finish these Medicaid applications. It's probably time to amp up my meds again. Kitty is very linked to my moods too so when I'm irritated and/or depressed she is too. She's had several minor meltdowns this last week that under normal circumstances I would have been able to avoid.

Manipulative Bear

Bear tells me that GirlFriend's Mom wants to meet me. Finally! I was beginning to wonder if she had parents. He says he has to be ungrounded by Friday so he can hang out with GF and her mom. He knows I will not allow him to hang out with GF out of my sight unless I approve the adult supervisor.

So I say OK (cause I'm easily manipulated apparently). He says GF's mom is going to go swimming with the family so I have to come (Grandma takes the kids swimming every day at 4pm). OK, I can squeeze that in to my schedule (somehow).

Friday rolls around and around 10am, Bear informs me that GF and her mom will be "in the neighborhood" and will be coming to our house at noon, and is it OK if GF stays with us while her mom runs some errands?

Wait! Noon?!! As in less than 2 hours from now? As in, I'm still in my workout clothes and have a ton of work to get done? As in we'd have to feed them lunch? Nuh uh. No way. She can't come before 1pm.

Wait, what did I just say? No, not 1pm... 2pm at the earliest! I have got to get some work done. (Hubby later, much later, points out that he still managed to arrange this to be 2 hours earlier than originally planned. Somehow that part I missed. Guess I'm still not getting enough sleep).

At 2pm I'm buried in my computer up to my neck. Bear asks Grandma to take him to pick GF up. Mom approved her coming over. (Only later in talking about my day to Hubby do I realize... how did this go from meeting her mom to us going to get her for a date?).

At 3pm I surface, where's the Mom? Oh she had to run some errands. She'll be here around 5:30pm. What?! I have to be at therapy at 5:30pm. So now I won't even be meeting her? I know I'm being manipulated, but the girl is already here and her mom is mysteriously not. Bear assures me the mom will try to be here before I have to leave.

5:15pm. The mom shows up. 7 wet kids running around (my 4, her 1 and my 7 yr old niece and almost 10 yr old nephew). I have to leave to get to therapy. Not exactly a good time to have "the talk" with the woman. We exchange pleasantries and more importantly, phone numbers. And I'm 10 minutes late to therapy.

Skip ahead to Sunday night (cause of course I have no time to call the woman). Bear is talking to GF on the phone and wants to know if he can accompany them while the girl is school shopping. Normally would be an OK activity, but I still don't know if I can trust this woman. After all, she left her daughter unsupervised for most of the Summer in an empty house with teenagers of both sexes running around. So I tell Bear I have to talk to the mom - without him or GF present.

GF's mom informs me that she doesn't like the GF's best friend because the girl is not a good influence and the girl's mother has been known to give the kids alcohol (the girls are 14 and 16). They also let the best friend drive her grandmother's car and she doesn't have a license. Luckily her daughter knows better than to ever get in a car with the girl.

Gotta love Mom networks:

GF's Mom finds out that Best friend drove GF to our house several times. That I know for a fact that the Bestfriend and her little sister were alone with teenage boys in the house and no adults present for most of the Summer (Hubby searched the house once when we couldn't find Bear - we didn't find Bear that time, but there were no adults and Bear's guy friends were there with GF, Bestfriend, and Bestfriend's sister).

GF found out that Bear had skipped over a week of school and we're positive he was with GF for most of that time .

I found out that GF is on the pill (one less worry for me) and was in big trouble last school year for skipping school 47 times (another great role model for my son. Where does he find these girls? I still think he has a sign on his forehead saying "only chicks with major issues need apply!").

Here's the big one - GF's father is NOT DEAD! This was his big excuse for her to come over the day before his birthday even though he was grounded. GF's mom says she's OK with GF saying her dad is dead because he is terminally ill and practically in a coma. GF hasn't seen him in 6 years. I'm OK with her saying he's dead too, but not that he DIED on THURSDAY and she needs support from her boyfriend because her family abandoned her and went to Six Flags.

So...
I banned the Bestfriend and her sister from our house and my kids aren't allowed to talk to them on the phone either. Bear is OK with this because apparently the Best friend has been trying to break Bear and GF up because she's jealous. I've been telling Kitty for weeks that she's too young to hang out with a junior in highschool (Bestfriend) and apparently Kitty hasn't talked to the sister that's closer in age to Kitty in weeks. I don't want the kids around someone who lies to my face (about Bear being at her house), illegally drives and apparently has no problems with taking others with her, and whose parents allow drinking, driving, and leave a 14 year old girl completely unsupervised all Summer.

I told Bear he was grounded for another week and he got extremely upset. I told him I was upset because I feel I can't trust him and he lied about GF's father dying so he could break his grounding. He stated that he shouldn't get grounded for a whole week when he didn't know it was a lie.

After Hubby and I talked it over we decided that the GF was grounded (from him). He can't talk to her on the phone or see her at all for a week.

I still need to discuss ways for him to start building trust again. That's a huge one because I don't think it's possible. He is good for 95% of the time. The problem is during that remaining 5% of the time, he doesn't think about consequences, he just acts.

We tried to explain it to him using the points and level system he has at school and had in treatment. A kid who was trouble all the time is easier to handle in some ways. They struggle and work hard on a daily (or hourly or minute by minute even!) to manage their behavior. They slowly move up the levels (or not). Then there's kids like Bear.

After a short time figuring out how it all works, he quickly goes to the top level and stays there. Everyone keeps insisting, why is this kid even in this program?! But when he does something wrong - it's always huge (drugs, guns, police). Maybe because he's so sneaky it's not until he's under scrutiny that everything comes to light. Sometimes I think he's deliberately sabotaging himself so that he won't be moved out of the restrictive environment that makes him feel safe (while at the same time he's learned he likes it on the top level because it has lots of privileges and it's easier to manipulate the system). Or maybe he needs the structure and restriction of being in a program like this and when we lighten up (like in the Summer time) he can't handle it. Probably all of the above.

So what do I do? I know I need to continue to advocate for him staying in the special program at school. He keeps showing us that he needs it. At home, I think I need to stop bending to the pressure to treat him like a normal 16 year old boy and keep him in a restricted environment. I think he even knows it's what he needs.

Would love any advice for helping him develop the ability to think before he leaps and actually be motivated not to do do something because of the consequences of his actions. He just doesn't get it.

Bearly a lie

Got a call from Bear's school today. Bear has been buying sodas, school lunches, snacks and meals. At his last IEP meeting on Tuesday, apparently I'd mentioned that we are not giving the kids any money. They have put 2 and 2 together and realized he has money he shouldn't.

At first we just thought we finally had proof that he'd stolen money from his little brother's wallet 3 weeks ago (had to be him or Kitty, but we'd had no proof). The more the school director talked to Bear (and me on the phone) the more we realized that he'd spent more than the missing $11. Bear lied several times to the director about where the money came from. The director has been able to discover that Bear has borrowed money from at least 2 friends. Because kids look up to Bear they are willing to give him things (at his special school he is one of only 20 kids and gets a lot of positive feedback about being a good role model).

I almost LOLed when the director asked if we'd had any trouble with him lying in the last couple of years. Of course! I reminded him of several incidents involving the school and mentioned a couple of the more major ones elsewhere. He asked if it was easy to tell if Bear was lying - sure, if there's even the slightest suspicion that he did something wrong and his mouth is moving.

I informed him of Bear's SOP (standard operating procedure).

1. Something is missing or suspected. Bear is questioned. He lies - convincingly.

2. Part or all of Bear's lie is proven false.

3. Bear denies that he made the statement (lie) in the first place. He gets angry that he was accused and accuses his accuser of not having listened or heard him right (to buy him time to come up with an alternative lie).

4. Bear gives alternative lie.

5. Accuser is unable to prove or disprove the lie and the matter is dropped or part or all of Bear's alternative lie is proven false.

Repeat 3-5 - with Bear coming up with more convincing alternative lies the longer he has to think about it.

So here's our method. Research as much as possible without letting Bear know he is suspected of anything. Confront Bear with the consequences of his actions (discipline/punishment). Do not ask him if he did it or why he did it - this only leads to lying. Only question Bear if we already know we are going to have to drop this anyway due to lack of evidence.

The school of course did not do this. They assumed that because there have been many opportunities for Bear to lie and steal, when he did not, that he therefore is a trustworthy person. This is an invalid assumption.

Bear will lie or steal when:

1. He feels he is entitled (He wants it. He knows we won't give it to him. He does not agree with our reasons or thinks that rule should not apply to him).

Ex. It used to be his cell phone. We did not have a right to take it from him. "Everyone" has a cell phone. He has been behaving so he deserves to have his cell phone back. He "needs" his cell phone to text his biodad and biograndma. Mom left the cell phone unattended.

2. He is pretty sure that he won't get caught or blamed.

3. He thinks he is going to get into trouble - self-preservation instinct (sometimes even when he won't get in trouble!)

4. He wants something/ impulse/ poor judgment.

The school is satisfied. They have "caught" him in a lie (first, he told the director that the $10 he spent at Jack in the Box was from his Christmas money. The director asked again, so Bear realized he probably suspected Bear was lying. The story changed to 1/2 the money was from Grandma and 1/2 was borrowed. I had told the director that Bear had no more Christmas money so he knew this was a lie). The director now feels that he has "documented" that Bear has lied, but did not actually confront Bear on this. Confrontation will be up to us. If we actually planned to confront him, Bear would of course deny that he told the director this is where he got the money.

Like the last time something similar occured, the school has "clarified" the issue for Bear. Bear "didn't know" that he wasn't supposed to borrow other's things, and he "didn't know" that he wasn't supposed to sell Gatorade to his classmates. Now he "knows" that he is not supposed to borrow money from his classmates. Bear is a bright kid. He never commits the same "crime" twice. Will be interesting to see what his next trick will be.

Hubby and I argue about whether or not this is part of Bear's illness. I say of course it is. Hubby says it is environmental/ learned behavior. Actually I think it's both. Neither of us think there is a "cure" for this. I question whether or not Bear is capable of understanding consequences, curb his impulsivity, overcome his past, and trust enough to ever get to the point where he no longer steals or lies. Hubby thinks that Bear might avoid lying or stealing if the consequences are severe enough that he decides they are not worth the effort. I don't know. I do think Bear is aware enough to avoid situations where the "punishment" outweighs the reward.

We have decided to give Bear pretty severe consequences, but also make him aware that next time will be worse.

Our standard consequence for stealing or breaking someone else's things is pay back of double the value. In this case Bear took $11 out of Ponito's wallet (which was then hidden, but Ponito did get it back). We don't have a standard consequence for lying.

1. He will be required to do his brother's chores for 2 weeks ($10 if done well).

2. He will be required to give Ponito the remaining $12 from his saved allowance.

3. He will go back to carrying a see-thru backpack or no back pack at all.

4. He will not be allowed to carry a wallet.

5. He will continue to spend the night at Grandma's on Saturday night (something he's told me he doesn't like doing), but they will be closely supervising him.

6. He will not be allowed to go to his own Sunday school. Instead he will have to go to church and adult Sunday school with Poppy.

7. His room will be searched regularly again (although I probably will not tell him this)

8. He will lose the "benefit of the doubt" if things are stolen or missing (I will not be telling Kitty this as I worry she will take advantage)

9. He is already not allowed to go places with his friends unless Hubby or I can be present, but he will be reminded that this definitely does not increase our trust

10. He will be in the FAIR Club until all money is paid back to Ponito.

11. He will be informed that if anything more comes to light at the school, or if there are future issues then he will no longer be allowed to ride home from the public high school on the regular bus, and could potentially lose his ability to attend the public high school.

12. This will definitely delay his being able to eat lunch at the public high school indefinitely. He'll have to continue to eat lunch at his special school.

And then came the fun therapy session with Kitty and Hubby! More to come...

Ever heard the idea...

that the way the child's twos go will be a pretty good indicator of how their teens will be? This terrifies me!!!

Bob at 2, notice how much taller than the other children she is?!

Bob hit the "terrible twos" at 17 months and didn't come out again until age 4.5 years. She about drove me around the bend, and was the reason I "discovered" the internet. When Bob was 2.5 years old, I found a parenting website based on a fantastic book that I credit for being the only reason Bob is alive today. Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. The message board is no longer in existence, but it was great to be able to go somewhere and get support from other parents who's children have painted the dog blue. (This is also how I feel about the Special Needs forum on adoption.com).


How angelic she looks! Believe me, it's an act!

So now that she's entered the "terrible teens" at only 12 - but she does everything early - what do I do with her?!



My family has a strong genetic predisposition to bipolar disorder. My grandfather and his 5 brothers had it and committed suicide. His two sisters probably had it as well. My mom has it, I have it... so when my daughter starts acting moody I have the added worry of - is this adolescent onset of bipolar disorder/ depression? At age 13 my mom remarried, we moved to a more affluent part of town, I was chronically ill with colds and flu (lowered immune system is a standard side effect of depression) so missed tons of school, and within a year I left home to go live with my father. Obviously I was miserable and moody as all get out, with many life-changing reasons, let alone being a teenager. The depression didn't go away though so I look back now and say - "oh yea, that was the start of my issues with depression."

My mom says the same thing happened to her and her mother talked about sending her away, but although her father intervened, he never mentioned he understood because he'd gone through the same thing. Mental illness was taboo. I don't want Bob to spend her teen years miserable if there is anything I can do about it. Obviously teens are moody and miserable, it's part of being a teen, but depression makes it so much worse. Bob doesn't have the same history that Bear and Kitty do (or I did), but this has been a tough couple of years with a lot of life-changing events.

Lately Bob has been moody, miserable and defiant. Normally I'd ignore this, but the problem is she's dragging down Kitty with her. Kitty is feeding off her moods and it's triggering major issues for her - add that to Kitty's biomom recently having a baby, and our two year anniversary (yes, we got the kids 2 years ago today!!!), and all she can talk about is wanting to go back to her biomom. Bob would be happy to drag her all the way there - Bob's been seeing all the downsides to having her new siblings (Kitty isn't allowed to watch Harry Potter and the Tenth Kingdom because they triggers issues for her so no one gets to watch them, I invented the FAIR Club because of the adoption, Bob is no longer the oldest child, Bob doesn't go to public school because of Kitty...). I've tried to point out some of the positives, but she'd rather be miserable.

So last Sunday, Bob refused to go to church. Not a horrible thing in and of itself, but I had to deal with her so I didn't get to go either. It escalated as I kept trying to find a way to get through to her. I tried reasoning, empathy, telling her stories from my childhood, and eventually moved to threatening and consequences. She of course went in the FAIR club, and as it worsened I told her I was taking away her saved allowance (about $45) - no impact, then told her I would empty her room of books - she kept on escalating from pouting to yelling and storming out. At this point Hubby got home from church with the rest of the kids and started trying to talk to her. For awhile she escalated and I loaded up three grocery bags full of her books and put them by the front door. She finally calmed down so I stopped. Later she put the bags back in her room. I saw them, but decided to let it go.

This weekend Bob didn't want to go shopping (wouldn't you know I, the bargain queen, get kids who hate shopping?!), even though it was mostly for clothes for her. She's grown so much and the weather is supposedly changing soon (it's still in the mid-eighties) so she needed cold weather clothes. Bob pitched a fit and refused to go. I tried to stay calm, but really hate it when she cops an attitude like this.

Hubby got involved and talked to her until she calmed down some and went to her room. Hubby then got on my case about allowing Bob to get to me, and always escalating the situation. He blamed me for my inability to listen to Bob and hear her side of it?!! I admit sometimes I get angry and punish Bob by doing things like taking away her books - which didn't help the situation, but I don't know what else to do! I do listen to Bob and her concerns, but sometimes the answer is, "Tough toenails. We all have to do things we don't want to do." Bob does what he says because he's a big, strong Dad and doesn't accept disobedience. When she acts like this should I let her walk all over me? She won't do what I say just because I say it. Hubby doesn't seem to get that. I admit this verbal dressing down in front of my mom and the other kids really hurt my feelings.

When I went in to check on Bob, I found her crying on her bed instead of getting ready to go as Hubby thought she was. I talked to her for awhile, listened to her complaints, said some of the things that Hubby had pointed out might help (mentioning how I'd felt like this at her age), and she finally got up, got her shoes on and got in the car. Soon thereafter though, the attitude returned. She refused to move, ran away from me to sit on the side of the building when it was time to leave, pitched verbal fits, whined and complained, demanded things she knew I wouldn't buy her... and was generally a horrid brat. The sales clerks all marveled at how I managed to stay calm (which I admit made me feel better). What should have taken 2 hours max, ended up taking 5, and we didn't get everything we needed!

On the way home (finally) she became even more verbally defiant. I tried to ignore her, but she kept dragging the other kids into it, especially Kitty. She made sure I knew that there was nothing I could do to consequence her and mentioned getting the books back. (Later I made sure to mention that I allowed her to get the books back.) I told the other children to ignore her, but Kitty wasn't able to. I kept warning Kitty that she shouldn't let Bob get her into trouble, but Kitty was already triggered and started talking about going back to Nebraska and biomom. *sigh*

I know I'm a little depressed right now, and felt that I might have taken Hubby's talking to me in the wrong way, but my mom confirmed that he was obviously criticizing me, and in front of the kids. Hubby tends to discount my mom's opinions because she thinks he is depressed too (has for years) and has suggested anti-depressants to him. He doesn't believe in popping pills for everything (OK, for almost anything) and doesn't really like me taking them either. He felt that my mom was suggesting meds for Bob (she wasn't). Anyway, he's not being the big support he usually is, and when I talked to him about hurting my feelings, he feels crucified (did I mention I agree with my mom that he's probably depressed?!).

Basically I'm at my wit's end. The FAIR Club is insufficient, consequences must be applied or all the other kids see Bob "getting away with" this behavior (as does Bob)and their behavior becomes more defiant. I plan to have Bob read the entire book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens as she reads super fast and this is nowhere near her first offense. I'm thinking of getting Bob into therapy for a little while but truthfully we can't afford the $25 copays. I'm skilled at therapeutic parenting now, but I'm used to the support of meds and a therapist.

OK, this is a really long post. I'm going to stop now. I'll tell you tomorrow how our 2 year anniversary goes!