My Poor Babies

Kitty age 10 and Bear age 11 Now that Kitty is home she is super clingy and is having stomach aches and head aches. This doesn't surprise me. When we saw her on Tuesday for family therapy she was holding our hands, sitting close, giving lots of hugs and needing lots of reassurance. This is the same way she acted while in residential treatment 2 years ago. She really is just a little girl and this is terrifying for her. Not to mention it brings up a ton of memories and fears. She threw a chair at Biomom and Biomom called the police who came and put Kitty in foster care. Biomom terminated parental rights claiming Kitty was "out of control," and Kitty never went home again. Sunday evening, Kitty hit me. The police came and took Kitty away. Kitty got to come home again, but I can't blame her for fearing history is repeating itself. Bear is feeling the same way. (Sent to me via e-mail on Monday)

Hy mom how is kitty this is kinda getting to day im feeling alittle stresed out and for some reason Im feeling like it my falt in away because I did this so many times to her and the other grils when they were yonger, The makes me think about some of the stuff im trying to forget about and try to move on with my life. Im feeling like i want to cry but i don't any one to weary about me. LOVE YOU MOM I realy apreshat the way you have never gave up on us i think this some thing we needed That we realy never had. THANKS love you mom

Thank for putting up with all the good and bad stuff i ever through at you -- •Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction BEAR

Tonight Kitty wanted me to tuck her in and tentatively asked if she wasn't feeling safe would we send her back to the psych hospital. I assured her that was not an option (she'd told us about the drama and violence and how scary it was), and she confessed she's still having feelings about hurting herself. She assured me that she knew she wouldn't actually hurt herself, but the feeling were there. I stayed with her until she fell asleep. (Yes, we'll be addressing this quickly and I'll do everything I can to keep her safe in the meantime). My poor baby. I think we were assuming things would go back to normal pretty quickly, but she's obviously going to have a long recovery time. I guess there's a good reason why I don't have a job yet

Sorry, Officer!

I had a meeting today to help me get Bear signed up for SSI. I had provided everything but a questionnaire from Bear's special school regarding Bear's functioning, so I ran by and picked it up from the school on my way to the meeting. 

Bear's special school is right off a highway and at that time of day the morning traffic was jammed and barely crawling past. As I was sitting in traffic, I glanced at the questionnaire.

Oh my goodness, it plainly said what we've been insisting for years but couldn't get the school to admit!

Bear is almost finished with 11th grade. His special school has a 5/2 Student/Teacher ratio and he is in almost all special ed classes.

• Reading Level: 8th grade
• Main Level (which I interpret as an overall level): 8th grade
• Written Language Level: 6th grade

{I was so shocked that we had this in writing that, I stupidly got on my cell phone to tell Hubby... just before I slowly crawled past the "end of school zone" sign. *sigh* Wanna guess what happened?}

Serious Problems in:

• Understanding school and content vocabulary
• Reading and comprehending written material
• Comprehending and doing math problems
• Providing organized oral explanations and adequate descriptions
• Expressing ideas in written form
• Learning new material
• Recalling and applying previously learned materials
• Completing class/ homework assignments
• Working at a reasonable pace/finishing on time

Comments:

--- He appears to jump around when he reads: this causes him to miss important information.
--- He can't write down a coherent explanation or conclusion in math unless told word for word what to write down.
--- Bear works slowly and this reduces the amount of material he can complete in a year.

Behavior:
Serious Problems in:

• Expressing anger appropriately
• Following rules (classroom, games, sports) - slight
• Respecting/ obeying adults in authority
• Handling frustration appropriately
• Being patient when necessary - slight
• Using good judgment regarding personal safety and dangerous circumstances
• Identifying and appropriately asserting emotional needs
• Responding appropriately to changes in own mood (e.g., calming self)
• Knowing when to ask for help

Comments:
--- Bear is sometimes oppositional/ defiant with adults. Most of the time he is respectful and compliant at school.
--- Bear tends to let things bottle up inside instead of getting help from adults
--- I have noticed infrequent sleepiness and irritability at school.
--- Bear's disorders seem well-regulated by his medication with occasional isolated incidents involving inappropriate behaviors at school.


THE GOOD NEWS!!
The lady helping us fill out the SSI paperwork thinks we have a VERY strong case and shouldn't have to resubmit (she says the reason most people get turned down the first time is they don't show their proof). (Getting SSI for an Adult Child)

Also, we have Nebraska Medicaid until Bear turns 19 so even if he doesn't get Medicaid through SSI right away, we'll still have meds and stuff covered until the adult Medicaid "kicks in." 

Small problem with that is that the agency through which Bear currently receives psychiatric services does not take private insurance - including Nebraska Medicaid. So while we have meds covered we won't have a psychiatrist to prescribe them! The pdoc might be willing to give us 3 months of refills though since he's not on any Federally controlled substances like Kitty's C*ncerta.

{FYI - While the lights are flashing (or during the designated times if they don't have lights), you cannot use your cell phone in a school zone or on the school campus, unless your car is in a parking space - preferably turned off.)

Letter to Bear's schools

Bear's schools had standardized testing yesterday which really messed up the schedules. The schools couldn't arrange a bus to take Bear from his special school to his regular school so they asked me to drive him. One "advantage" of my not having a job.

I don't know that I really expect anything to come of this, but I decided to send this letter to Bear's schools regarding several calls I received yesterday. Will be interesting to see if Bear gets any consequences from this. Do you think I should have mentioned he's failing two classes as well?

I just wanted to clarify that yesterday I dropped Bear off at school at exactly 2:45pm. At about 3:30pm I received a call from Mr. P {One of the behavior program staff at the regular high school} to confirm this time, as Bear hadn’t gone directly to class as he was told he needed to go. Apparently Bear was confronted by a teacher who thought she saw him during lunch hour, and Bear lied and told Mr. P that he wasn’t dropped off until 3:15pm to hide the fact that he was missing for ½ an hour.

Within a couple of minutes of my talking to Mr. P, I received a call from Bear. He was irate about having been confronted with skipping class, and was trying to deflect this by focusing on the inaccurate accusation of him being at the school at lunch time. I tried to both get him to accept responsibility and calm down. According to his point sheet I was successful on the latter, but I doubt I had any success with the former.

As I told Mr. P, I believe that Bear needs to be held accountable for his attendance and blatant lying to Mr. P. According to Home Access {Online access to kids' attendance and grades that's usually about 48 hours behind}, Bear has been tardy to a class every day for the last 3 school days (although it was my understanding that he actually missed an entire class yesterday - Home Access may not be reflecting that yet). Bear has always shown a need to take advantage of any perceived weakness in the rules and structure and escalate until it is finally noticed and stopped up so that he can feel safe again. How far do we want to let this escalate this time?

Mary TheMom

" Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

Stealing - does it ever end?

Recently I got some Valentine candy in the after holiday sales. The candy had a stuffed animal attached that Bob wanted to give to a friend (she paid me for it). The friend was allergic to chocolate so I got the candy. This was after all the kids had gone to bed (where Bob was supposed to be) and after removing the toy, Bob left the box of chocolates with the torn cellophane on the kitchen counter.

After the kids had left for school the next morning, I realized I'd accidentally left the candy on the counter (I hide all sweets and baked goods for reasons that are about to become apparant). Of course 1/2 the candy was gone. I did ask the other kids (who rarely steal and would tell me if they did), and all of them denied touching the candy. Bear admitted to taking one piece.

For the last few weeks I've been attending NAMI meetings 2-3 times a week so haven't been home much. One night Hubby made tacos, but I'd had a few too many snacks at the meeting so I put my tacos in a plastic bag to have for lunch the next day. Nobody took my tacos.

I admit I complained in family therapy (which Hubby and I attend with Bear), but just a general whining about my chocolate and tacos being missing, not an actual accusation.

This morning Grandma called. Most of the kids had spent Saturday night as usual at her house. Grandma has a cabinet in her kitchen she calls the "Kids' Cabinet." It always has snack food in it (like Ritz Crackers, saltines, hot cocoa, applesauce, Koolaid...). We have one too, but ours has more whole grain "healthier" foods (popcorn for the air popper, honey nut generic cheerios, generic frosted mini wheats...).

Grandma had discovered that Bear had opened a brand new box of Cheerios instead of using the already open one in the Kids' Cabinet... which was annoying, but she could overlook. What upset her was that Bear had gotten into Poppy's Girl Scout cookies, eaten the entire box, carefully put it back together so it looked like it hadn't been touched, and put it back where he'd found it.

Today Bear missed the school bus home again. I asked Hubby to pick him up. When Hubby confronted Bear about the cookies, Bear admitted to eating a few (which wasn't OK since he hadn't asked permission), but denied eating the whole box.

Needless to say, I don't believe him.

I know why he lies and steals. I get it. I really do. But at the same time, if he feels there are no consequences then what's to stop him from escalating?

Today it's food, cell phones and MP3 players. Tomorrow? Now that he's 17, even that can get him in serious trouble. Plus he cannot seem to grasp that if we can't trust him then he'll never get the privileges he wants (driving, going places alone, independence...). Without checking with me first, Hubby took Bear for his first driving lesson last night. He said Bear is not going to be ready to drive for a long, long time.

Possible Consequences:

• LEVELS - like they have in residential treatment centers. Very concrete which works well for Bear, but really requires a major step up on supervision on our parts. Probably need alarms and to go back to locking the pantry. Plus it'd be very difficult to do at Grandma and Poppy's house and Hubby and I are barely even ships passing in the night as it is, we really need the respite.


• Letter of apology


• Pay back $6 (Girl Scout cookies are $3/box and stolen/broken items are reimbursed at double). The grandparents said they only have one chore that Bear is competent to do at their house - digging garden beds - but Bear already does this for "fun." I took the money for my chocolate that he ate out of his allowance, but he still owes over $80 for past stuff so allowance doesn't mean much to him. So it really needs to be extra chores.


• His Promise not to do it again.


• Online shoplifting class I found: http://shoplifting.net/eclass.htm - it's $55 and meets legal requirements so this won't be happening.


• Writing assignment about why he steals. (“I deserve X and am not getting it, so I steal to help fill that hole.” "I'm a bad person so I might as well steal." I used to need to steal to get what I needed, but now I have what I need, so I steal because ___________.)

While I'm at it, he also needs a consequence for "missing" the afterschool bus, which he does on a pretty regular basis which means someone has to go pick him up and he gets unsupervised time at school until they get there (which can be up to 45 minutes to an hour depending on how long it takes him to call me to tell me he missed the bus in the first place and what I'm doing.

To paraphrase the NAMI "Problem Solving Process" we're studying right now, it says you should:

1. Define the problem as specifically as possible and make sure you're only trying to solve one problem at a time (and it should be the one with the highest priority - starting with danger to self or others).


2. List all the things you've tried in the past. Cross out all the ones that didn't work (cause it makes no sense to keep doing something that doesn't work).


3. Enlist others if possible and brainstorm at least 7 more options (bringing the total up to at least 12 options).


4. Pick the choice you want to try first.


5. Pick a backup plan.
   

Bear FAIR Club Assignment

Here’s what I’m thinking about assigning Bear for a FAIR Club Assignment:

Read the Risky Behavior page and answer the questions on a second page.

RISKY BEHAVIOR

Death wish, noun.

• A desire for self-destruction, often accompanied by feelings of depression, hopelessness, and self-reproach.

A suicidal urge thought to drive certain people to put themselves consistently into dangerous situations.

Crime Statistics

• In 1995, 32,130 males age 12 and older were victims of rape, attempted rape or sexual assault.


• Teens 16 to 19 were three and one-half times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape or sexual assault.


• About 44% of rape victims are under age 18


• Murder (homicide), which is the tenth leading cause of death for males in the United States


• Homicide with a firearm was the second leading cause of death of persons between the ages of 10 and 24.


• Two thirds of all 1992 US murders were accomplished with firearms. Handguns were used in about half of all murders. Sharp instruments were used in 17% of murders and blunt instruments in about 6%.


• Over 65% of murders are males killing males.


• Nearly half of murderers were strangers to the victim.


• Saturday was the most popular day-of-the-week to be murdered.


• Murder rates are higher in the afternoon than in the morning, but are highest at night -- climbing steadily from 6 pm, peaking at 11 pm and declining thereafter.

You snuck out and no one knew where you were if something happened to you. Plus, they probably would not even start looking for you until the next day. You also lied to many people about where you were (to their face or by letting them believe something you know wasn’t true), damaging their trust. You were out on a Saturday night, in the dark, in the rain – one of the most dangerous times to be out, especially alone. You got in the car of a stranger.

1. Why do you think we, your parents, want you to be safe? (write 1 paragraph)
2. How do you think we, your parents, would feel if you got hurt or worse? (write 2 paragraphs)
3. Why do you engage in risky, self-destructive behavior? (write two paragraphs)
4. Do you think you will change this behavior? If yes, how (be very specific)? If no, why not? (be very specific) (write 2 paragraphs)
5. Read the Driving Expectations page. List all the expectations that you are having trouble with. 6. Why do you think we require these behaviors before you can drive? (Write at least 2 sentences per expectation)

Teenage brains

I found an interesting study I wanted to share. Why teenagers are more rash, addiction prone, and subject to mental diseases: University of Pittsburgh brain study Could explain a lot.



I have a meeting today with Bear's MHMR mental health case manager and social skills teacher because we've been seeing some instability in his mood (mostly depression) over the last month or so and I'm wondering if we need to make some med changes (his next appointment is not for a couple more weeks so we need to decide if we need to move it up).



This morning I was alone with Bob while I straightened her hair (love this mother daughter time, even though I think her spiral curls are pretty!). I decided to ask her if she had anything to say about Bear's mood/behaviors. I figure the girls see things I don't since they go to school with him. Bob said she knew something about Bear that she hadn't planned to "tattle," but it ticked her off that he'd gotten the privilege of going to the rodeo with some friends (and an adult parent we trust) last weekend when he had snuck out to the movies the weekend before.



TOTAL SHOCK on my part!

A couple of weeks ago, Bear'd asked me if he could go to the movies with some friends. I looked at the fact that he's been skipping and tardy more often then he'd attended classes, and said N.O.! and assumed that was the end of it. Apparently not.

Most Saturdays the kids spend the night at Grandma and Poppy's house and they take the kids to church in the morning (Yes, I know I'm blessed!). That Saturday we'd dropped them off a little early. Allegedly they ate dinner really early, and then Bear went to his "room" and shut the curtains. Bear sleeps on the enclosed porch at my parents house.

At 10:30pm Bear came to the girls' bedroom to get his night meds (room time is 9pm at our house, but the grandparents aren't as strict about it as I am). Kitty apparently knew he was going to the movies and asked him how it went. He told them what movies he'd seen and offered them candy (Bob felt this was a bribe not to tell on him).

Bear told Kitty that the owner of the neighborhood thrift store drove Bear and one of his friends and her girlfriend to the movies. I did call the guy to check out the story and he denied it. This man had a childhood similar to the kids and has befriended Bear, but I generally keep them apart, because the guy is a bit rough around the edges and actually might go behind my back if he thinks I'm being too strict with Bear, but more like letting Bear use a pocket knife, smoke and cuss - not sneaking him out.

I believed the girls, but I didn't want Bear to know that they "tattled" on him because I worry that he'll retaliate. So I have to find a way to at least appear to "find out" almost two weeks after the fact. I asked my parents to search the room Bear uses at their house, because he never throws anything away, but they're clean people and they use this room for meals, so it's clean. They did find a welding mask in a bag that Bear was storing there, and I need to track down where that came from.

Hubby decided to confront Bear about this after he'd gotten ready for bed and was kind of drowsy. I don't think Hubby said anything about the movies, just that we knew Bear had left the house. Bear claimed that he went for a walk and that the grandparents knew it (when Hubby called him on that he said, well they knew he does take walks, but they probably didn't know he was gone that night. He claimed he walked to the neighborhood convenience store and got a ride home (*EEK!*). Bear thinks he's invulnerable because he's a big kid. Hubby never addressed the candy issue.

Our big concerns are -

• If he got away with sneaking out at Grandma's house, what's to keep him from sneaking out of our house?
• Bear needs structure and when the adults around him fail to provide that he feels unsafe. He gets moody and unstable when he's feeling unsafe. He just started EMDR therapy too, so he's probably feeling more unsettled.
• Where did the money come from for the candy since he has no "legitimate" sources of funding (did he steal it, sell his "stolen" Zune...),
• I can see him lying to Kitty just to tease her, but why did he admit to the hitch hiking? - does that mean he assumes he was caught arriving in a car back from somewhere so he thought this was the lesser of two evils? If so... what was the "greater evil" truth, because this was pretty darn scary.
• Where was my developmentally 9 year old child?!

So here's the "charges."

1. lying
2. sneaking out
3. hitch hiking

Consequences I'm considering:

1. At Grandma's he can no longer sleep on the porch, he'll go back to sharing the living room with Ponito. (He doesn't like spending the night at Grandma's and Hubby and I need this downtime so not getting to go to Grandma's is not an option).
2. Grounded for at least 2-3 weeks.
3. FAIR Club assignment on Stranger Danger
4. If we can figure out how to afford it - alarms on his bedroom window and door. We have the system, but it got damaged recently so it's not chirping when someone opens an outside door or window anymore.

Suggestions?

Nip It In the Bud

This is the second letter I've sent to Bear's school this semester (they only started back 7 days ago). I sent it after having received a note from Bear's teacher saying 3 students skipped class on Tuesday, and 2 of them admitted it (wanna bet Bear wasn't the one who admitted it?!). Bear only has 2 classes a day at his regular school (the rest are at his special school).

Maybe they'll respond to this one since they didn't respond to the first.

In the last 7 days of school Bear has had 4 unexcused absences and 2 tardies. Since he only takes 2 classes a day at {regular school} this means out of 7 days of school he only has 14 classes and he was tardy or skipped 6 of them. That's almost 1/2!

One of my daughters heard today that he was driving “his” car to McDonalds. Obviously this is just a rumor at this point, but since he doesn’t have a car or a license, I’m worried where this rumor came from and if he was absent today...

I know he received a referral for skipping Tuesday, can you tell me what his consequences will be?

He has 2 unexcused absences and a tardy in 4th period, if I remember his BIP correctly that means he has a consequence? I know this is a new teacher. Is she aware of this?

Bear appears to think this is all no big deal. I’d like to nip this in the bud if at all possible. We do not want a repeat of last year. What are the next steps?

Mary

"You're Parannoying Me"

Bear doesn't like to be in the same room as other people. Not when he's getting dinner (we tend to serve our plates from the stove) - he'd rather wait until everyone's done. And especially not when he's doing chores. It's hard to find time to talk to him because I can't be cooking while he's washing dishes or chat with him while he's working on something.

Of course he doesn't seek me out very often. He talks best when there is something else to focus on like driving in the car or going on walks. Doing chores near each other would be good too, but he apparently can't handle that.

Today he was in a bad mood. No apparent reason, just that it was morning I guess. I was making lunch and he was sweeping the floor. When he needed to sweep where I was standing I obligingly moved, but that was still a problem apparently. As he mumbled that this was why he hated doing chores when people were in the kitchen (it's hard to find a time when people aren't in the kitchen by the way as this is a 6 person house with teens and the only phone the kids can use is there too, so there's always someone in there), I asked him what the problem was, since I'd moved when he needed me to.

He said, "You're parannoying me." Apparently having someone in the room makes him feel paranoid - which I knew, but I've never heard it phrased that way.

Well off to parannoy him some more since he's doing dishes now and I need to make lunch.

Bear's at it again

The cherry on the top of my no good, horrible day:

This is the e-mail I'm sending to Bear's schools today:

As you may or may not know, I got a call from the [regular] high school today saying Bear was missing. Apparently he did not agree with the ARD (IEP team meeting) team’s decision to enroll him in the Reading 180 class (he had left the ARD early to finish a test so hadn’t been part of that decision I think). Bear apparently went to complain to the counselor and then never made it back to class. [The staff searched everywhere for him]. Luckily, he did manage to make it onto the bus home.

Bear has told me that [the principal of the special school, Mr. C]. says, he “passed the TAKS [state standardized testing] ELA [English/Language Arts] test and therefore doesn’t need this class.” (I’m sure this is not an accurate quote on Bear’s part and
that he is incorrect when he also stated that Mr. C thinks he should be out of the class). FYI, Bear did NOT pass the TAKS test, although it was a close thing. We did determine that the primary issue causing him to fail was the writing, not the reading, but that wasn’t an option for a class and reading is.

I still think this is a good choice for Bear, and he could really use the extra help. By the way, he is threatening to never go to the reading class. I’m sure y’all will reinforce with Bear that skipping class is not a valid solution, and that there will be consequences for his actions today and if it happens again. I sincerely hope we can help Bear understand that this class is beneficial for him, even though he does not “need the credit.”

If you guys at [the regular high school] could pass on a message please, I really want to thank John with [the school's behavior program] for letting me know that Bear was missing, as this has been a big issue in the past and I know it’s hard for you guys. And I also want to thank Cynthia with the AP[Assistant Principal]’s office for going out and making sure that Bear got on his bus and calling me back to let me know he did. Last time he missed his bus the school had already closed for the day by the time we’d realized he was missing, and it saved me a lot of worry and driving to know where he was.

I really appreciate you guys keeping me posted! Thanks again,

Mary Themom (cell ###-####)
" Life isn't about how to
survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

There will be no consequences for this at home since this was a "school thing," but of course it doesn't make me feel all warm and trusting inside either.

Stocking Stuffers

Well I found out where my stocking of chocolate came from! Supportforspecialneeds.com apparently had another giveaway. I found out when I logged on to the site today. Very cool.

Unfortunately Bear ate almost all of my chocolate. :(

Last night I went to get a piece and discovered there was almost none left. When I searched Bear's room this morning while he was in the shower, as expected I found a couple of pieces of candy (and some other contraband). I discussed it with Hubby to decide what the consequences should be.

We decided I should take the treats that Bear got for Christmas and his new camera, and put them in a box, which Hubby decided to place on the dining room table (he told me to tell Bear that it better still be there when Hubby got home from work). Hubby then left for work. Everyone was getting ready to go horseback riding except Bob who'd decided to stay home so Ponito could ride (we only had 3 slots and Ponito had spent the day with a friend last week).

During Christmas break, Kitty's therapist had arranged for some therapeutic riding for many of her patients at a local horseriding stable that works primarily with emotionally disturbed children. The stable owner was already very familiar with Bear who had been attending for years though his special school and said he could ride as well. There was room for one more rider so they let Bob ride last week. I've been loving it because it's 3 hours to talk to other moms of adopted teenage girls with RAD.

While I was finishing getting ready, Bear came out of the shower and apparently discovered his stuff in the box on the table. Bear came to my bedroom door (he's not allowed in our room because he's stolen stuff from our room in the past), and yelled to me in the Master bath, asking me why his stuff was on the table. I told him it was because he had stolen my stocking candy so Dad and I had taken his Christmas stuff. He wanted to know why I thought that he'd taken my candy and I said because I'd realized it was missing and he'd smelled like chocolate in the car on the way to Grandma's the night before so I searched his room. Plus when food goes missing it tends to be him.

As you can imagine, instantly it became about what a horrible person I was for not trusting him. Never mind that he'd actually stolen it! So he told me he was going to ruin my day by not going horseback riding. He knew I would never leave him home alone so no one would get to go. He then stormed off. Even though I didn't even see him, I was shaking like a leaf. I will most definitely be talking to my therapist about EMDR therapy for my PTSD.

So I called Hubby and asked him to turn around and work from home today so Kitty and Ponito could still go to horseback riding therapy. We had to leave before Hubby got back home, and I have to admit I was kind of entertained by Bear's face when he realized we were going anyway (he'd been banging around in the garage as we left, and lifted up the garage door and looked out as we drove away).

Huby said he was on the phone and had his bedroom windows wide open. I don't think I want to know what he was up to.

Hubby talked to him and got very frustrated. I'm not sure what happened, but I know at some point Hubby took the door off of Bear's room. (Hubby apparently did put it back on later). Bear denied everything of course. Said he'd told me he would go after all. Said he didn't take the candy. Said the only reason he took it was because it was the only way he would get any.

Later when we got home, Bear came up to me and said he was sorry he'd acted the way he did. He blamed it on the fact that he found out his great-grandfather had died. He said he found out on Christmas day. He also said he was upset because he wanted to spend time with his latest girlfriend on her birthday (allegedly the day after Christmas), but Ponito had a low-grade fever so we said no company. He then told me she was going to come over this afternoon instead. I said, "umm, no I don't think that's a good idea today after what happened this morning." He wandered off.

Apparently Hubby had told him to stay off the phone and busted him on that a little later.

I have a massive headache so I'm going to bed. Night y'all!

Porn

Just found nasty porn pics on the printer. Apparently the printer wasn't working right when Bear printed them so they printed out later, where luckily Hubby found them instead of one of the other kids.

Went on the kids' computer and discovered Bear's joined many porn sites, is communicating with birth family and found his way around the security program we'd installed (to prevent them viewing porn and other inappropriate sites).

So I went online and changed all of his passwords (he'd given them to me years ago and apparently never bothered to change them) for his e-mails, Facebook, Myspace, and the porn sites. I'm sure I didn't get them all, but he's going to be one ticked off kid when he figures it out. Of course none of them are supposed to exist, so technically he can't complain.

********************************

Hubby decided to confront him on all of this instead of letting him figure it out. *sigh* I wasn't there when they talked, but as usual Hubby asked him to admit what he did (which of course Bear didn't couldn't do). Then Hubby told him what we know. Which of course Bear denied, and said was a mistake, and said he didn't know... and generally... lied... big shock. Hubby is pretty much incapable of consequencing Bear for anything unless: Bear confesses, he caught Bear red handed or he has incontrovertible proof (and even then, if Bear still blatantly denies it, Hubby tries to convince Bear it would be better for him if he admited the truth, which of course doesn't happen).

Still, the end result is the same. Bear thinks he "got away with it," because he argued his way around it" (and therefore will be very angry at the consequences) and Hubby is mad at Bear but won't do anything because he doesn't have "proof," and I do the actual consequencing which makes Bear mad at me. The news this time is that Hubby knew I'd already invoked the consequences before he confronted Bear (so it was too late for Hubby to say I shouldn't), and sweet Hubby told Bear that it was Hubby's idea. Often Bear knows it was all my idea anyway, but this time he may not.

So no FAIR Club type consequencing. Bear will most likely just have to start all over if he wants e-mail, Facebook, or porn accounts. Presumably he'll use different passwords. I left his accounts open for most so he'll have to use different names.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Did I mention that both girls have Facebook accounts too? Kitty had just gotten hers. I discovered this by going on birthmom's Facebook account and on her wall she'd mentioned that now all of her children have Facebook accounts. Bear had "friended" Kitty so I was able to access her account. She had the name of her high school with graduation date on there too. (Bob has that, plus her hometown on there).

Here's the reasons I gave Kitty for why it was a bad idea for her to have a Facebook account:

1. By friending Bear - EVERYone who is his friend has access to her account.
2. Biofamily now know where she lives and what school she goes to (Bear does not keep this secret, and even if he did, their friends don't).
3. By refusing to "friend" biofamily that doesn't mean they won't be able to read your page.
4. She's put pictures on there so everyone knows what she looks like now.
5. You can't control what your friends write. They can give out even more personal details of your life.
6. What others write can be totally inappropriate. Biomom has a conversation about incest in the family on her wall. The picture of one of Bear's "uncles" is of his girlfriend and practically porn.
7. Even I now know almost every detail of Kitty's relationship ups and downs with her ex- boyfriend.

Kitty gave me her passwords and allowed me to close her account. I talked to Bob about it, but while she knows I don't approve, I don't have the same reasons for asking her to close the account and she has chosen not to. I don't feel I have the right to ask it of her. What do you think? Should kids have Facebook accounts?

Warm Fuzzies

Last therapy session, I told Bear he had to bring his journal where he'd been writing his "check ups." Check up was supposed to be writing down a feeling he had felt that day and writing down whom he'd asked for help and the results, then talking to a parent about it, but Bear hadn't been doing that. He'd written down his feelings, but not the rest and he hadn't talked to us about it at all.

He took his journal to therapy and read the one sentence he'd written per day about his feelings. It was mostly about a girl, but that wasn't the point. He talked about his feelings and I suddenly felt more sympathetic toward him. In a way I haven't in a long time. We've told him over and over that talking about what goes on in his head is the only way for us to know if he's making any progress. If he wants us to make any changes he has to prove he is making changes.

These warm fuzzy feelings lasted through him asking to go to a party at the house of an 8th grade girl he claims he doesn't like (and told me he cried last time he was at her house helping her dad with yard work. She's the unofficial photographer of the Horseman school team he is on), and pouting/ brooding when he was told no.

They didn't last through him closing back up for the rest of the week.

I plan to point this out in therapy tomorrow.

No news is good news

Thursday was Bear's IEP / ARD meeting. He said repeatedly that he wasn't going. I knew to just ignore it. When it came time he either would or wouldn't go, and if a big deal wasn't made of it then he probably would not go. Turned out his class was taking a test, so they had him there for just the transition portion.



The transition portion (what Bear plans to do when he graduates) was a waste of time. Basically Bear said he planned to live on his own and work as either an underwater welder (not an option) or a high school ag/shop teacher.



After Bear left I asked the team if they honestly believe Bear could make it though 2 years of junior college and 4 years of college. Those that spoke at all said of course he caaan. The better they knew him, the quieter they were. I pursued the question for quite awhile before I finally got someone to acknowledge the fact that he has to be motivated to do this and willing to ask for help. So in other words, probably not going to happen. I was hoping we could brainstorm some ideas for things he can do that he might enjoy, but we moved on.



It was decided that Bear will continue going to the special school through lunch time and continue with 2 classes at the regular high school in the afternoon. They're going to try to get him in a special reading class since he failed the Language Arts statewide assessment test. Technically it should be writing since that was the part he did the worst on, but that wasn't an option. There was a software accommodation that I had talked to the Occupational therapist about that it was my understanding was supposed to be in place, but no one had done it. That will be looked into.



One thing we talked about was cheating. We have some proof that he was doing it (from the person who he was with when he was supposedly hiding in the woods). Hubby brought this up and the regular ed teacher on the team mentioned a couple of times she'd confronted him with cheating in her class. She seemed to think that since he grinned and acknowledged he was busted that this meant something. We pointed out that there were no consequences and she also realized that he still hadn't turned in the assignment. I think she might be getting a clue.



The teachers said he couldn't really be cheating often because there are only 6-8 kids in his class and they would notice if the assignments matched. It wasn't until Hubby and I were processing later that I realized Bear goes to two different schools. If he takes a class at the public high school then he could get the assignment from a kid in the special school, and vice versa. Plus, he's pretty manipulative, I wouldn't be surprised if he weren't talking people into doing his work for him. He's still using the same books and following the same curriculum as the regular ed kids, just not going into as much detail. He could easily copy their answers on things that match.



All in all it wasn't the best or worst ARD ever.



Afterward we talked to the AP(Assistant Principal) about what was going on with the possible Class B misdemeanor. He said he'd talked to the deputy and even the deputy didn't know what was going to happen. If they decided to press charges then Bear would be picked up from the high school and kept overnight and go in front of a judge in the morning - at which point they would give him a court date, probably 3 months away. Then at that court date it would be decided what his consequences would be ($500-1500 in fines, 0-90 days in jail, and/or possibly community service). Bear wasn't picked up on Friday so the odds are good he won't be charged.

Honestly have no idea if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

It's good in that it won't go on his permanant record. He probably wouldn't have learned anything from it anyway. We don't have to worry about how Kitty would handle it. No having to worry about what would happen with school (what does happen?).

It's bad in that he learns he's going to get away with this kind of behavior without consequences. Yes, he got FAIR Club consequences, and one day of ISS, but he ignores those.

Psychiatrist

"So how long have you had this unhealthy aversion to drinking from the toilet..."

I don't know how I feel about this psychiatrist. Bear was in an extremely surly mood after being forced to sit in ISS all day (in school suspension). The pdoc asked how things were going, and of course Bear said, "Fine." Smart pdoc dug a little and asked how school was going.

At first Bear just said, "Boring," but the pdoc specifically asked about referrals so Bear mentioned the one he got for "sharing an apple." (Dropped it to another student from a second story balcony into a hallway full of people). I hintingly cleared my throat. Bear chose to ignore me. I suggested he might want to mention the current issue. Bear said it was irrelevant (not his word) and had nothing to do with meds. I suggested we leave it up to the pdoc, since it suggested a lack of impulse control that his meds can address. The pdoc wanted to know too so he could decide for himself. Bear refused to tell, but finally said I could if I had to.

The pdoc said it had nothing to do with impulse control (which is BS! The initial event was obviously impulsive and all the rest happened to cover it up), and there were no meds he could recommend, then he promptly made a change to one of Bear's meds.

While he was entering stuff into the computer we all chatted a bit. The pdoc brought up the author Tobias Wolff who wrote his memoirs in This Boy's Life (later made into a movie with Leonardo DiCaprio as Wolff). More specifically the pdoc brought up the time when as a young teen Tobias Wolff and his friends would take the parking brake off parked cars at the top of big hills and watch the cars go crashing to the bottom of the hills, hitting other cars. Even Bear's caseworker protested the pdoc "giving Bear ideas," but the pdoc just said, "Bear already has ideas." Apparently his point was that this misguided, abused teen became an excellent writer, and that Bear had this capability.

The pdoc told another story with a good idea for mischief in it, but I don't remember what it was.

All Bear wanted to talk about was how he didn't want the school to help him get a job (they're talking about getting him life skills classes) and he didn't even want them to teach him anything. He wanted to drop out of school and get his GED. What he really wanted was to go back to the way things used to be (100-200 years ago!) so he wouldn't have to go to school and could hunt and fish in his "butt-flap" all day (Bear is part Native American).

I had to listen to Bear rant all the way home. It triggered my PTSD pretty badly.

Bear is refusing to go to the IEP (ARD) meeting today, because he's "already missed too much class (English)" and this is a hard class for him. We'll see if he shows up. I've found if you just ignore his protests he tends to go anyway. He's defiant, but not that defiant most of the time.

This should be an interesting ARD. We're supposed to be talking about:

• Bear's transition to life after high school (what he's going to be when he grows up)



• Bear's IEP - including one for Behavior



• His placement for the next semester (does he continue at the special school and for how much of the day?)



• We plan to ask for a parent/teacher conference with his regular high school teachers to talk about how best to help Bear (not letting him leave the classroom without an escort, reporting when he doesn't return, tardies, manipulations, breaking projects into smaller components...).

I'll keep y'all posted.

Why Bear is in the FAIR Club

Kids "wrestling" in Grandma's yard. Hopefully Bear has no idea here that Ponito was hurt, but more than likely he was trying to comfort Ponito. Bear just doesn't get that he's so much bigger than the little guy, and Ponito just doesn't get that Bear doesn't have the greatest body awareness and Ponito's safety isn't his first priority. It's like a lion cub playing with a newborn kitten.

Reasons why Bear is in the FAIR Club:

• He skipped class (walked out and never went back) - this is huge after last school year when he was tardy or skipped 3-4 classes a week. He was warned that unlike last year, there would be immediate consequences.




• He missed his bus (this is the second time in less than 2 weeks) - he was warned that unlike last year there would be consequences.




• He did not immediately call to say he'd "missed his bus." So I had no idea where he was or that he needed to be given a ride home (normally we drop everything and go get him).




• He was unsupervised for almost 3 hours at school. Worse, he was unsupervised in shop where there is lots of equipment and things he's never been given safety lessons regarding. (We're assuming this is where all of his injuries came from). The school is freaking on the liability for this one.




• I did not know where he was and I was very worried. There was no way to find out if he was hurt or in trouble.




• He rode home in a car with a teenager I didn't know, who has been driving for an unknown period of time. This seems minor in comparison, but it is against family rules.




• He was home unsupervised for 1/2 an hour or so. In the past he has used this as an opportunity to steal, including getting into medication (which he took to school - presumably to sell).

Most importantly:



He lied.



A lot.



He lied about what happened, where he was, and who he was with.



He apparently expected his friend to lie for him too.



He lied to the police officer.



He wrote a sworn statement that was a total crock of lies. This is the part that will get him a ticket - a Class B misdemeanor. Which means 0-90 days in jail and/or a $500-1500 fine.



Assuming that "A" really exists, he could have gotten A into real trouble with the police.



He lied to the school administrator.



He lied to the SRO (police officer assigned to the school). He told the police officer a LOT of lies. Not just about this event.



When confronted by us and his therapist, he lied some more. (Actually at this point this is part of his illness and I do not know that he even knows the real truth anymore).



Side note: He was told on Wednesday that his Horseman team would not be attending the final game of the year. For some reason the team had decided the week before that for homecoming and the rest of the football season they had to have black felt hats instead of the white ones they'd been wearing. I wasn't able to get him a hat for Homecoming and there wasn't a game the next week. All week I've been looking for an inexpensive hat, but couldn't find one. Thursday evening, after all this happened, Bear told Hubby he HAD to have this hat for school the next day. He'd said he had a friend that worked at a nearby boot store (that carries cowboy hats) who would get him a discount. Apparently that was a lie too.



Bear and Hubby left the house after the police officer left (after 8:30pm) so we had about 5 minutes to celebrateThe hat cost $70 instead of the $40 he'd claimed it would. Hubby bought him the hat. He wore it to school the next day. Hubby found out about the activity being cancelled and Bear knowing for 2 days and still asking for the hat. Since this was the last game of the season he wouldn't need it again. This was one immediate consequence. Bear had to put the hat in our bedroom along with his Zune. Don't know how long he loses them for, that's up to Hubby.

What really happened

Friday, November 5th

From what the school could piece together, talking to D (the kid who witnessed the alleged fight and drove Bear home), Mr. P (the teacher Bear argued with), the teacher of his last class of the day, and viewing the camera focused on the entrance to the shop area and talking to the teachers seen on camera talking to Bear and D... the assistant principal (AP) believes we finally have a pretty accurate picture of what really happened on Thursday. He confronted Bear with this info and got yet another story. He confronted Bear with the facts again (which still conflicted with Bear's new story) and got a third story that was a little more plausible, but still not the whole truth. *sigh*

The SRO (police officer permanently assigned to the school) talked to Bear after Bear'd talked to the AP. He told Bear that if Bear would admit the truth, then he would try to lighten the negative consequences of Bear's false deposition. Now that Bear is legally an adult (you can be criminally prosecuted as an adult at age 17 here in TX), then he could serve jail time for this Class B misdemeanor (0 to 90 days jail time and/or $500-1500 in fines - since neither Bear nor we have any money this would most likely be jail time). Bear went back to the original story. I think he might have thought if he stuck with the original story then he couldn't be prosecuted for making a false statement. Either way, he's now in BIG trouble. (He also trotted out a lot of his old tall tales for this new SRO - "his hands are registered lethal weapons" being one of them).

It's up to the original officer whether or not Bear will be given a ticket. Honestly we think Bear needs to get the ticket, because he needs to understand there are consequences, but I don't know that it will do any good. He's been to juvie. He thinks he can handle it, but of course it's all bluff. He's terrified, but in total denial of that. I don't think he really believes this will really happen. He told us in the car after school on the way to therapy that he was going to, "Sign something on Monday that will close the case." He thinks he can "drop the charges" against the other boy and this will all go away. Of course the other half of this is that it is all MY fault. I'm the one that called the police.

In an emergency therapy session after school (the therapist had previously contacted Hubby and cancelled this week's session. When he got the e-mail regarding this, he rescheduled), we confronted Bear with the video documented proof that his story was a crock of poo.

The actual events:

Bear did get in an argument with Mr. P., but he went to class. Apparently he told the teacher that he was upset and asked to go talk to Mr. V. (the teacher let him go and apparently didn't tell anyone when he didn't return! - this will be addressed in the next IEP meeting). Mr. V wasn't at the shop building (he'd left campus to run errands).

This is the point where Bear's story stops resembling the truth.

The entrance to the shop building is on camera! Bear is first seen entering the shop building within minutes of having been released from class. He and D are then seen hanging out in front of the building and walking in and out (never gone from sight more than a few minutes) until the camera shuts off about 5pm. D verifies that he and Bear worked in the shop until about 5:30pm at which point D had to get home. So he gave Bear a ride home.

D says Bear was not assaulted. Bear did bave a conversation with a kid who wanted Bear to return his homework (Bear had apparently borrowed it to copy), which Bear refused to do, but the argument was verbal - not physical. Most of the marks on Bear can be explained by what might happen to someone who is working with moving a heavy metal smoker (caught on film) and other stuff that would typically happen to an uncoordinated kid unsupervised in a shop class (yes, we will be having major conversations with the school about this as well - they said the room should not have been unlocked after school).

Bear still denied everything!! Hubby tried to get him to admit his lie. I know this bugs Hubby in a big way, but this is sooo futile. Bear is unable to do this, and badgering him about it just causes him to dig in. I finally just stopped it and said we needed to focus on what Bear was going to do now. "Keep moving forward!" Bear basically said he was going to be good. *sigh*

His therapist finally helped Bear come up with a plan. Bear is supposed to talk to the SRO on Monday and tell him a story (the truth! ... but Bear can't admit that), that fits the video evidence*, and see if that will hopefully convince the SRO to put in a good word for Bear that will convince the original deputy to not give Bear a ticket.

*Originally the therapist said Bear should tell the deputy a story that matched our (Hubby's and mine) story. I immediately corrected him and said this was not "our" story this was the school and video evidence. Bear blames me enough for all this as it is. After all it's "my fault" that the police got involved in the first place.

Next post is on consequences. I have no idea what we should give Bear for consequences, but he definitely has to have some. Suggestions?!!

Take care of yourself first

I've been having trouble getting out of the house every day. I get dressed for work, then sit down and start checking my e-mail and Google reader. Next thing I know it's noon. I can do all my work from home except meet with clients and check in with our sales guy. Neither of which is necessary daily (we have maybe one client in a week and the sales guy is very independent), but Hubby wants me to go in daily and focus on a big sales push (which is so the opposite of what I want to do).

Today I was home all day with a whiny, kind of sick, but not really sick child (Kitty has allergies with a touch of a virus according to the doctor - no fever, but she threw up while walking to the school bus. She had to be ordered home after Bob "tattled" on her, because she really wanted to go to school).

Bear came home from school in his usual cranky mood and proceeded to flop down on the couch and start verbally poking everyone.




Then he got on the phone. After 20 minutes on the phone I told him it was time to get off (family rule is 10 minutes). He ignored me. The phone is on the wall in the kitchen and the kids usually sit on a stool at the bar 3 feet away to talk on it. No big deal, but anyone passing by has to lift the cord to get past or they get "clotheslined." I had to pass by several times as I started dinner. He complained that I was "trying to take his head off," because the cord rubbed on his neck every time I lifted it. I responded that he wasn't supposed to be on the phone anyway. I didn't say this a "sweetness and light" tone, but I didn't yell at him either. He muttered under his breath. I walked away.



10 minutes and 2 reminders later he was still on the phone, without his chores done. Finally he got off the phone and came into the room where most of us were sitting which was on his chore list to neaten today. He looked around and stated that everyone needed to pick up their stuff. I told him he could do it (everyone has to pick up other's stuff and wash other people's dishes...). So he huffed and puffed and muttered, and started tossing things at people - most of which didn't belong to them. Then he tried to leave. I called him back and pointed out what still needed to be done (including vacuuming - "I did that a few days ago." "Do it again."). I called him on the muttering. He growled. We both ended up speaking in "irritated" tones to each other.



I redirected him. Repeatedly. He got more and more irritated. I got more and more irritated. He barked at me. I fussed at him. He accused me of wanting him to be perfect. I told him I just wanted him to do a better job. He accused me of thinking he was stupid. I told him if he couldn't figure out what needed to be done then it was my job to tell him what to do. Finally he got it to the point where I could stand to look at it, and I ignored the rest.



Then he walked into the kitchen and asked me to make something special for dinner?!!!


I HATE THE WAY HE MAKES ME FEEL!! As Integrity Singer stated eloquently in a recent post, "THIS IS NOT ME!!" I am NOT this person. I don't want to be this kind of person. I hate that he can make me be this kind of person.



I want to be that happy, slightly manic person again. The one who loved to decorate and give advice. The one who sang when she was in the house alone (Ok, all the rest of the time too). The one who loved to bake and make Halloween costumes. My online friends even gave it a name - MTM Syndrome (MTM=Marythemom). When someone took on multiple projects and did too much they were described as having MTM Syndrome. Now I can't even get my big patootie off the couch to make dinner. I feel like I'm on simmer all the time.



Half an hour later Bear asked if he could have back some of the candy that he'd given me yesterday (he said he'd given me almost all of it). I semi-jokingly called him an "Indian Giver" (there needs to be a better name for this) and told him they were upstairs. He got offended by my "racial comment" and muttered something along the lines of, "if you're going to be like that, then I don't want them anyway," then stormed off to his room.



Hubby finally got home and took over. He got Bear back off the phone and eventually got Bear focused on getting his chores done. Bear tried to lie and say he was done with his chores (when he'd never even started most of them). When confronted by Hubby he was a little confrontational, but did them without too much argument.

********************************

At one point Bear threatened to leave again. I wouldn't chase him.

He really is only 17!

Jeri commented on the fact that Bear didn't look 13/14 in the picture I posted. So I thought I'd show you the pictures I have of my "baby." I only have a few pictures of him when he's young that Biomom gave me. In fact the next youngest picture I have of him he's probably only about age 4/5. He really did hit puberty young. I've heard that's common in kids of trauma.


I found this first picture in Kitty's life book. Bear's life book only had some of his drawings, and I only saw it once. I don't think it made it to Texas. Bear about age 11? Which would make Kitty about age 9 or 10 here. This would probably be after they entered foster care. The little girls are their biosiblings. He was a little chunky then (over 200lbs)! I have another picture of him a little later, but it was so unflattering that I didn't scan it in. His stretch marks are unbelievable.

Bear age 12! This was the first picture I saw of Bear and Kitty (she'd just turned 11). Already shaving and his full height (5'9")


Bear age 13. This was what he looked like the weekend we met him. That's little Ponito in his arms. Hubby behind them, and actually my MIL in the background on the right.

Just turned 14

15th B-day

(the pink wraps are where he had tattoos removed) Don't you love his outfit? The pink Superman cape isn't as noticeable in this picture.

Bear at 16

Bear at 16. The day he was confirmed in the church.



Bear turns 17!

He definitely doesn't look his age, and obviously hasn't in a really long time!

His weight has really fluctuated a lot. His foster father didn't cook so they ate fast food for almost every meal. When we got him, he was well over 200lbs. After 6 months of healthy eating with us, he'd dropped down to 180lbs and looked really healthy (in that respect). He went on Depak*te and gained 5-9lbs a week for the first 4 months or so he was in residential treatment! Since then he's gained and lost kind of depending on what meds he's taking. Ser*quel caused the midnight munchies and he gained quite a bit. A few months ago he was back up to 225lbs, but recently informed me he's down to 210lbs. We have almost no say in what he puts in his mouth, so there's nothing I can do about it.

You're not the only one who can't believe he's only 17 Jeri!

Writing sample

This is a really old writing assignment. I'm not sure how old, but at least a couple of years (so he would have been 14 or 15). Bear HATES writing, and this is probably the longest thing of his I've ever seen written. This was handwritten, not done on the computer. It was really hard to make myself type all the misspellings!!


I got grounded becasue I got lipy and cock a adutud (cocked an attitude) and did'tn stop when you tould me to stop and I also cersd (cursed) over and over agin. I also got grounded for not listening to you and I thretend to run away, and sead I hated gramal (Grandma), Sead I wish I never moved here, Sead I wish I was (forgot the word "dead").

(Not a new paragraph, but obviously written at a different time and otherwise this gets even harder to read- )
I should have sead that I was not having a good day, lestened to you when you sead stop, I also should not have cersd over and over agin, not have got a aditud, also should not sead I wish I was dead, never talked about gramal, I also should not have sead that I (forgot the words "wish I") never moved here but sometimes I can't help my self it's all my falt me and (spelled Kitty's birth name wrong here) don't live with my B.O. Mom. (I have to laugh at this way of spelling biomom!) I geus what Im triing to say is if I would have never got in chruble with the law my sister and I would still live with my B.O.mom but evre time I got in chruble It got wers. When time's come up like this I just don't want to axcept what's going wrong with my life. When I was 7 I thought I was grwon because my B.O.mom never payed atinchon to me I raised all of my sisters and me. My B.O. mom gave birth to me she was on crack I was a crack baby (this isn't actually documented and is actually probably not true according to Biograndma) so was kitty (spelled right this time, but not capitalized). I never lived in a nice home where some one cared about me It's to much to take in at one time. I never had people love me or take care of me the way you gueys take care of me. My Whole life my gole was to get put in prison and Jale, and be a thug It wasent (I wasn't) like the rich kids I didn't want to a good kid or get a job. I never seen my self being welthy. It's just not like me. I geus we cant always get what we want. If I was In the millitary and cocked a adutud with some one I would get dischared (discharged) or have to work exchra.

Love,
Bear

He really appears to have a lot of insight into his life here, but know that he was so "therapized" that everything he wrote was like this. I'm not sure how much is true insight and how much was just repeating what he'd heard for years. Considering his age I'm assuming it was mostly stuff he'd heard a million times in therapy.

It's really weird hearing therapy stuff coming out of little kids' mouths. Listening to a young Kitty saying, "I need to work on my anger management skills."

Smarter than a 6th Grader?

I wanted to share these two recent writing examples by my boys. I realize that Ponito is a little advanced for his age (maybe a lot), but the difference to me is still incredibly striking. These boys are supposedly both doing on-grade level work. That's 5 grades apart. 6th grade for Ponito and 11th grade for Bear. Maybe my expectations for Bear are just too high because Ponito and Bob are very advanced for their age.


This is a song written for an 11th grade English assignment by Bear. I couldn't give you all the exact really weird spacing. He did this on a computer so all the mispellings are apparently because he ignored the spell check. He didn't make a great grade on it, but that was because he didn't do the assigned cover art and he turned it in several weeks late:

The County (supposed to be Country) Funny Boot Song

These boot are made for walking on this arena ground the’ s boots are made for walking stalking the’ s grounds Talking

My stomping grounds this song is not working so I’m going to walk way talking

My life without boots is making all the clowns frown like I’m sailing a way in a talking

Cloud with a big fat gray frown sing some blues about a man without boots

On my head there is thread that looks like bread that I found in my boots

One day I got a knew pair of boots that look just like the bread

On my big fat red head

I have on my head and it said to the boots on with some dreads

I think I’m going crazy so give me my meds because this is all in my Big fat

head that all I have in big fat head I think I’m dead….



This is an essay written by Ponito. Who is just starting 6th grade. It is a FAIR Club assignment he was given for playing a neighbor child's Playstation games which are rated T for Teen (he's only 11). This is very much against the family rules and he knows it. He was told he couldn't have the PS2 back until he'd written a 500 word essay explaining why I should allow it. This was not the first time he'd been caught sneaking around and doing stuff he knows is against the family rules. He and the neighbor boy weren't allowed to play with each other for a week.

Dear mom,

I have never done an essay before, but here it goes. I am not sure about Bear but I am really sorry about what I did! I know what we did was horrible because I should have known not to play a teen rated video game or a shooting game for that matter and we should not have done it but Star Wars Battlefront Two is just so cool I could not resist. Besides for Christmas you got me that Star Wars movie that you thought was a game but it turned out to be a movie. You said that you were going to go and try to get me a Star Wars video game, but you never did so I asked [Neighbor boy] if he could bring his Star Wars Battlefront Two game because his play station two (P.S.2) does not work. So he brought it over and we played but even though it was not in my head I knew I should have asked you!

And now that I have an Eye Toy from K_________ our cousin for the Play Station Two I really want to try that new game from Christmas really badly! And no the camera does not hook up to the computer (he means the internet). I know that you think that I really do not need the Play Station Two but I only tried to live a life without the PS2 to prove that I do not need the play station two to entertain me. I know that my life is good enough without the Play Station 2. Speaking of the play station 2 can we have it back because when I give this to you I am pretty sure that this essay will have 500 words?

Going back to the new game that nobody has ever played in this family, it looks really fun and I now wish that we can play it. Once we get the play station two back that game is the first thing I am going to do!

I also have not played any of the other games in a while like Nascar Thunder 2003 because I mean who does not like racing and flipping cars catching them on fire and I know what you’re thinking why is he saying on how to be destructive but inside me I know not to do this in real life because somebody could get killed if I wreck into them and get into a car crash, Corvette, and Corvette 2 Evolution, Need For Speed 2 because I like to race other people and wreck my car cause it does not make a single dent in the car but in real life if you hit a wall or another civilian’s car it would probably kill you or the other civilian and if not then you or he will get badly injured, ATV 1 and ATV 2 because I like going into the flatland area and flying backwards.

I am promising you that I will never play and/or watch a video game that is rated T for teen or a game that has shooting, cussing, kicking and, or punching or other things that you do not like in video games.

Ponito